DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have almost been together a full year. Things are beyond great, we’ve been discussing moving in together, but there is something that causes me to feel uneasy: he is friends with his ex.

When we first started dating I let him know that I was uncomfortable with this. He has assured me that they are only friends, but I still can’t shake this terrible feeling I get – especially, when he texts her often. It used to be where she would call him during our dates, yes he would answer, and then have long conversations about her own relationships and whatnot. She no longer calls him as often..at least when I’m around. But she leans on him as a source of comfort and it irks me.

I don’t ever get the full picture, but from what I hear, from what little he has shared with me, after they dated she fell for someone hard and it ended terribly and her confidence hasn’t been the same. But again, from my perspective, what she’s missing from her romantic relationships she get’s from my boyfriend. A shoulder to cry on, and someone to listen to her, someone that actually listens. My boyfriend is a great listener so I can understand why she would cling to that.

For a couple of months she backed off after he told her he couldn’t be there all the time for her. Slowly it reverted back to them texting often. I don’t feel as though he wants to be with her because he has told me time and time again that he is over her and wants to be with me. I’ve let him know that I have no interest in being with someone that wants to be with someone else, so if his feelings change…just let me know. I want to trust him, and it’s not that I don’t, but this is just so uncomfortable for me.

He values her friendship but this is more than just a typical friendship. I can’t help but feel this jealousy. I can’t see myself being the type of person that would issue an ultimatum because his feelings are important to me. He said he experienced feeling this way when he was dating his ex and she was close friends with her previous ex. I’m sorry I just don’t get being close friends with your ex. So he said he managed to deal with his jealousy and not really let it eat at him. What I also don’t get is, he knows how terrible it feels, so why would you put that upon your current relationship?

I feel this extreme guilt for feeling this way and for making him feel uneasy whenever he does take a call from her. The last thing I want is for him to not feel comfortable around me. But how do I deal with this jealousy? Any advice would be great. Thank you.

Green-Eyed Monster

DEAR GREEN-EYED MONSTER: There’re two different issues going on here, GEM.

The first is that your boyfriend’s ex has some issues with boundaries, and your boyfriend ain’t helping. It’s one thing to still be friends with someone you used to date. It’s another entirely when you ignore basically everything going on in their life at your convenience. Calling on dates, for example, is an issue. Now, I doubt that she’s planning on interrupting your dates. I suspect it’s far more likely that it’s a case that Friday night is the loneliest night of the week and that’s when all the little anxiety gremlins come out to play and she calls your beau in order to get talked down from the metaphorical ledge.

But while it’s sweet that your boy is considerate and wants to make sure she’s ok and provides a shoulder… taking calls on your dates that don’t involve someone actively being on fire isn’t cool. She needs to stop leaning on him quite as much and he needs to stop enabling her.

However, this also brings us to your second problem: you don’t trust your boyfriend. You don’t get why someone would still be friends with someone they used to date and see them still being close as reason for suspicion. However, being friends with an ex is generally a good thing. It’s a mark of who this person is and what they’re like in relationships in general. Yes, the romantic side of the relationship came to an end, but the two of them still had that core of respect and affection for one another that was part of why they were dating in the first place. He’s not running around screaming what an evil harpy she was, she’s not dragging him to everyone who’ll listen. These are pretty reliable indicators as to who he is and what you can expect from him.

And to be perfectly honest: nothing you’ve said in your letter sounds terribly egregious. He’s not lying to you about her, he’s not acting shady or concealing things. Actions speak louder than words and, frankly, he’s acting the way he would with a platonic friend who he used to date.

Don’t get me wrong: I get that you’re uncomfortable. This isn’t a relationship dynamic that you’re used to. But when all signs are pointing to “he’s being a straight-up guy”, then if you want this relationship to work, you really need to be willing to take “yes” for an answer.

Now that having been said: if he doesn’t start enforcing some boundaries with her, that’s cause for concern. Not that he’s going to leave you for her but that he’s letting a friend ride roughshod over him and being inconsiderate to you in the process. That ain’t cool and he needs to knock that the hell off.

So, rather than issuing ultimatums or setting up a scenario where you set up a “it’s her or me” choice (which never goes well, no matter who he chooses) – focus on the rudeness and the boundary issues. Ask him to have some limits in how much access she has to him – especially when it’s time for just the two of you. If he’s always leaping to the phone when she calls, she’s just going to call more. Having some (completely reasonable) limits to how often he has to be dancing in attendance will not only make you feel better, it’s more likely to make her follow the rule of Handle Thine Own S

t… or at the very least, dump her emotional load on someone else.

But for real. If he’s being straight with you and letting you know, in no uncertain terms that he cares for you? Then let yourself believe him. Because if you can’t, it doesn’t matter what he says or does; you’ll always be waiting for disaster to strike.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been to a few of your panels at A-Kon and you seem well equipped for potentially helping my situation. Thank you for your consideration. 

If you asked me when I was going to meet someone special, before that convention, I would say never. A majority of my dating experience comes from my friends or the few unsuccessful dates I’ve had. After 3 years of trying and getting nowhere but hurt fast, I left the scene completely. 

Then I met Lady.

To keep things short; here’s a timeline of events;

Day 1-3, met at convention, never really left each other’s side, I expressed my unwillingness to date.

Day 4-8, tried to stifle crush that I didn’t realize was a crush, constant communication between me and Lady

Day 8, admitted constant thoughts of Lady to her. Lady admitted it was a mutual crush.

Day 9, went to a post-con party with the other people we met. Lady slowly broke my barriers down through the night (I don’t like being touched by anyone, by morning we were cuddling in bed)

Day 10, Lady admits that she has the same feelings for appx. 3-5 other men.

Day 11, we go bowling together with Beard, a friend of hers

Day 15, I go to her house, she admits stronger feelings. Mutual.

Day 21, another party. Lots of her friends there.

Day 26, she visits my place and spends the night.

Day 30, during a meetup with Lady, Beard, my sister and me, she admits she cannot date me due to a co-dependancy on Beard, but not because she is, or would be, dating him.

Other details: 

Lady is extremely flirty, to my very reserved personality.  Her friends, and those I’ve met, have given me the thumbs up. Her closest friend who told her to stop goofing around with others and take this seriously. 

She has been adamant to not use the bf/gf title, and I’ve been patient in that regard, however, made it clear that that is my intent. Has not stopped her from giving me the generic pet names (hun, bae, etc.).

Beard and Lady go way back, and are very intimate with each other, but due to two or three very contrasting lifestyle choices, they will not date. Explicitly stated by both parties.

Here are my questions; 

Am I being a good human by giving her time and space with this? 

Am I trying to move too fast? 

Should I talk to Beard, and try to have an understanding? (We are friends, and on good terms.) 

I’ve chosen to ignore the “equal feelings for other guys” notion on the basis that not everyone’s feelings work the same way, and I cannot control how she feels. Is this a sane solution?

Thank you for your time and patience.

Stuck in the Middle

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE: You’re asking the wrong questions, SitM. Here’s what you really need to ask:

Are you willing to functionally be the side-piece in this arrangement? As much as Lady may like you and as much as you may like her, she’s decided that Beard is her number one priority. Even were she up for a functionally polyamorous relationship – whether with you and Beard or with you and some of those other guys she apparently has a thing for – Beard is her primary emotional partner. Even if things are never official… they’re each the star the other is orbiting, no matter what they call their relationship. While I’m not going to question the depth of the feelings she may have for you, the fact of the matter is that Beard is going to come before you.

This is why your second question has to be: how long are you willing to be in a relationship under these exact conditions with the knowledge that it will never change? Six months? One year? Ten years? And I’m being serious when I say that you can’t go in thinking that you can wait this out; you can’t, because it isn’t going to happen. Not on any time scale that’s not measured in geological epochs.

Maybe they’ll stop doing whatever little dance they’re doing and actually hook up. Maybe one of them will finally pull the trigger and end things.  Maybe they won’t and this little co-dependent drama of theirs will continue until the stars burn out. But the entire time that you are part of this will be time that you could be spending finding other partners who are just as amazing and don’t come with the same baggage.

If you’re hoping that you’re going to be the special guy that fixes this, then I have news for you: you aren’t. This relationship dynamic existed before you and it will continue long after you’re gone. So unless you’re OK with that? It’s time to move on and find someone who’s actually available.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: If I’ve meet a girl in real life asked how she was and blah blah blah and shook hands, is okay to either Facebook message them or Snapchat them to have conversations, and I’m not one of creepy guys either??

Please help me out Doc.

Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Ask. When in doubt, use your words. “Hey, is it cool if I hit you up on Snapchat?” Otherwise, if you don’t already have an existing relationship with them, you’re not likely to get a great reaction.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question regarding the appropriate time of disclosure pf past sexual trauma in a new relationship. I was molested as a very young girl: the appropriate timing of sharing my story with new friends and more-than-casual acquaintances is apparent to me in the moment, but I have struggled over when to disclose this information to a potential partner.

Since I do still have lingering issues with being touched and certain sexual acts. I feel very strongly that I need have this discussion before I become physically intimate with a new partner. I would as soon disclose it immediately-but the tendency to see survivors of sexual violence as “damaged beyond repair” still runs strong in this culture. I want a boyfriend who sees me as a whole person, not pitiable broken thing. Previously I would time the “I am a survivor of incest” bomb to around the time I have a discussion about using condoms. In other words before anyone is undressed & before I have consented to any sexual activity. It isn’t exactly a first date sort of topic :(…or second..? I don’t feel any lingering shame over my history, it’s mine, I own it, and nobody can hurt me with the bare facts of what was done to me as a child.

I am fairly certain the last thing any man wants to be dealing with on bed is a terrified, hysterical woman who was just triggered in to a fight or flight response. In the past I had a partner who knew my history go past a hard limit I set for him-even knowing that what he was trying to do was one of the types of abuse I suffered, and knowing that I wasn’t OK with that act. That individual was an extremely selfish person. I believe anyone who truly cares for me would not attempt to force me to engage in sexual activities which violate my personal boundaries. Yes, this was a big reason I dumped him shortly thereafter. I thought I had made my experiences and boundaries very clear-but any suggestions about exactly what to say to make “that sex act is a trigger for me and I will not do it” irrefutable knowledge to a new partner would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Wild Wolf Girl

DEAR WILD WOLF GIRL: First and foremost WWG: I want to let you know that I admire your strength. What you went through is incredibly shattering. The fact that you’ve come through it, that you own it and that you have been able to heal is incredible and it’s a testament to how amazing you are.

Understanding when to bring up certain issues can be tricky, especially when it involves sex and sexual abuse. On the one hand, you want to get it out there as quickly as possible – all the better to avoid having them roll over that particular emotional landmine by accident. On the other hand, bringing it up too early can sometimes scare people off. Unfortunately, it’s a cold and hard truth that some people will hear words like “abuse” or “assault” or “incest” and then the person they were talking to isn’t a person any more; now they’re a label. A stereotype. A walking human-shaped void marked “victim” or “survivor” and carrying all of the (imagined) baggage that comes with it. It doesn’t matter that this isn’t who you really are; it’s just how they see you now and no amount of explaining or reasoning can shift their image. It’s not fair and it’s not pleasant for the person who was willing to open up and make themselves vulnerable to someone that he or she hopes may grow to care about them.

So it becomes this delicate balancing act of trying to figure out when is too soon and when it’s too late and it can get incredibly frustrating as there’s no way of knowing in advance who’s going to process the information and move on and who’s going to get hung up and end up seeing a label instead of a person.

But nobody says that it has to be an all-or-nothing proposition – tell them everything all at once or tell them nothing. Sometimes dropping a huge emotional download on someone – in this case, that you were abused by a family member – can be hard to handle right off the bat, and doubly so if you do so when sex is seeming imminent. I mean, yes, it’s kind of a mood killer but more to the point, thats a heavy topic to bring up at an emotionally charged time and a lot of people are going to strip some mental gears trying to shift their brains to process this new information.

You are well within your rights to parcel things out on a need-to-know basis as you get to know the other person and as they get to know you. The better we know someone, the less likely we are to only see them as a label. Of course, by that same token, the more you get to know them, the better you are able to determine whether they’re someone you want to share the whole story with.

So let’s talk about a phased disclosure.

As a general rule of thumb, the more likely someone is going to run into a particular issue or step on a particular emotional land mine by accident, the sooner it should be brought up. These tend to be “incredibly important to know” issues. If being touched in certain ways – or at all – is going to trigger you, then that’s something to bring up early on, just so that the other person doesn’t end up traumatizing you without realizing that it was even a possibility. If it’s an issue having to do with sex – things that are very definitive “no, nope, no way in Hell”, then as you said, that should be brought up before sex – and preferably before making out or the clothes come off.

But you don’t have to go into the full explanation right off the bat. Just as you’re allowed to progress physically in a relationship at a rate that is comfortable to you, you’re allowed to do the same emotionally and informationally. You don’t have to share all your secrets with someone right off the bat; you’re allowed to say “hey, listen, just so you know I have a thing about being touched in Y way” to someone in the early stages of dating without having to explain the reasons behind it. You’re establishing a particular boundary and you don’t need an “acceptable” reason for it – you have one, here it is, please don’t cross it. At the same time, don’t lay it out like something that you’re ashamed of or that it’s a big dark secret; here’s a thing, yes I know it can seem a little strange, but it’s no big deal.

When it comes to sex and your limits, you want to bring up the topic before actual naked time is imminent. The immediate need to know information is that there are certain things that are off-limits forever, period, the end. This is when you may want to disclose a little more: that you were abused or assaulted (depending on how you see it or want to refer to it) and these acts will trigger very bad things for you.

When you’re ready to give them the full download, then it’s best to do it at a time when you’re able to sit and talk about it. Most people are going to want a little bit of time to process it; even when they know the vague outlines of what happened, hearing the full details can hit people pretty hard. This is when you want them to understand: you’ve survived it, you own it and while it’s left some scars, you’re not damaged, you’re not broken. You’ve been through the fires of Hell, but you’ve come out the other side.

One of the reasons why disclosing in phases can be a benefit is that not only does it give the other person a chance to get to know you as an individual rather than a label, but it also helps you find out more about what kind of person they are. How do they handle these limits that you’ve set? Do they demand explanations? Do they continually forget (or “forget”) that they’re there? Do they only respect your boundaries if the reason for their existence is “good enough” (for suitably selfish values of “good”)? Or do they accept that this is how you are and simply respect your boundaries because… well, they’re your boundaries and that’s all the reason they need.

All of this is valuable information to have about the person you’re interested in dating. As you said: someone who cares about you is going to respect your boundaries and not try to wheedle or push his way past them. But some people tend to be… sloppy, for lack of a better term, around boundaries; they see them less as a hard “no” and more “point of potential negotiation”. They may assume that these are boundaries that you’ll drop once you get to know them better. Or they may want you to give them the special exception boundary pass because it’s them and clearly they’re more special than the other people you’ve dated. Or they just may not realize (or care) that these boundaries are there for a reason and be careless or thoughtless around them. And then there are people who are utter s

tbags who treat your boundaries less like hard limits and more as though they’re optional because they just really don’t care.

That guy you dated who tried to push you into a sex act he knew you wouldn’t do? There was no way of phrasing things that would’ve made him not push you into things you didn’t want to do. He knew exactly where your boundaries were, he just didn’t care. He was a sh

bag of the first order. The best way to enforce your boundaries with someone like that is to kick them to the curb, immediately and with great force. Anyone who won’t respect your limits has voluntarily self-selected out of the pool of people you want to date.

Unfortunately, it’s a truism of dating that there’re going to be false-positives. There’s going to be entitled assh

*s and selfish sh

bags and users. But there’re also awesome, caring, gentle and patient people as well. It’s worth taking time to get to know them while establishing your boundaries. Those boundaries are your filter; the good guys will respect them. They’ll be the ones who understand that you’ve got your history and will let you tell it in your own time. The assholes won’t… and you’ll be well rid of them.

There’re some amazing people out there who can appreciate how incredible you are, WWG. And you’ve got the tools to find them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, thank you for your wise, level – headed and sensible columns. They are exceedingly valuable and I took a lot from them.

Here’s the thing, though. I recently (a few months ago) realised that, despite appearances to the contrary, I’m not actually male. While this is rather terrifying, I do think it’s been positive: at the very least, it makes sense of an awful lot of weirdness that I’ve been dealing with over the last few years. And while it definitely left me a bit out of it for a while, I’m moving forward with my transition and things are looking up (seriously, it’s scary how much easier everything is when you know what gender you are, even taking dysphoria into account).

Thing is, now that I’ve come to certain conclusions, dating and relationships have become a whole lot more attractive; I feel confident in myself, whoever I am, and quite honestly, though still a bit wobbly, I think I have the emotional maturity to meet people and form relationships. But actually doing it is massively fraught and confusing.

I never had any idea how to date as a man. I have a bit more of an idea of how to date as a woman, but then again, I think that while I am very much female and feminine, feminine gender roles in our society are a crock of s

t through and through. In short, I have no idea what the social rules are here. I know what I want to do, but that’s not exactly an ideal guide to what I should do.

Added to that is the issue of safety (I’m taking sensible precautions, such as self – defense training, but those only go so far) and the fact that the next few years are going to be a bit odd, with hormones, physical changes, social transition and all that. I’m quite happy putting off dating for a while, but five years is a bit long to wait, I think.

I have many very good friends, who have been brilliant, so I probably don’t have a right to complain, but even the closest friend isn’t quite the same thing as a life partner. I want someone whom I can drink tea with in bed over pastries and terrible newspapers on a Sunday morning. I want someone whom I can cook for and eat with, whom I can cuddle with on a couch after one too many glasses of wine. And with all the crap going on in my life, that just seems ineffably far off.

Apologies for this part – question, part – vent. To boil this down to a question:

How do I do relationships while transitioning? What are the social rules here? How do I meet people who might be interested in a relationship? How does all this work?

Sincerely,

Starting Off On My Journey

DEAR STARTING OFF ON MY JOURNEY: Hey SOOMJ, first of all, it’s great that you’ve found your truth and you’re becoming your authentic self. That’s huge and exciting and terrifying all at the same time. It’s going to be an astounding experience but one that, at the end, I think will be more than worth it.

Now as for your question… well, I’m a cis-gendered straight man, so I’m not going to have the experience or insight that trans men or women would have. So I put out the call to my readers, and here is some of the advice they have for you.

From Puck Von Nida:

“If you are seeing someone who doesn’t respect your transition or wants you to stop. They are toxic dump them. Also you are not a trap. Don’t ever let people tell you that”.

From Nikki:

“It didn’t really dawn on me until much later how much my standards would change during and after transitioning.

People I thought were amazing or good dates before would hit me up, and I’d have changed so much in those months that they were no longer appealing. And that’s okay!”

From Bex G (they/them):

“Biggest thing is being upfront that you don’t know exactly where you may be going. I had one image of who I wanted to be before I transitioned, but a very different one on the other end of the journey. There was someone I was mutually flirting with at the time who is very into androgynous bodies. So when I started to transition, he was looking forward to me going that way. But I didn’t & he got super upset.

Transition is all about ambiguity. And a lot of folks are really supportive of that ambiguity. But some aren’t, & weeding them out at the start is better for both of you.”

From Riley (he/him):

“Have good communication with your partner around sex — it was a super confusing time for me & what I could/couldn’t do sometimes changed wildly. It was good to have patient, understanding partners about that.

Also don’t date assh

*s just because they give you the time of day. I dated/had sex w too many terrible ppl because I thought I didn’t deserve to do better and should take what I could get.”

From Dana (she/her):

“Communication is key. In my opinion, people need to know what’s going on, so that false expectations won’t be a factor. Be clear what you want/like and don’t want/like.  Also, be careful please. There are many toxic people out there, especially so-called ‘chasers’ are a problem.”

From Sarah (she/her):

“Whether or not to be open about your trans status is completely your own call. You’ve cultivated your identity to where you are now. If you want to be up front, do it . If not, then don’t. Also, if you are just starting to date guys, they will say anything just to sleep with you.”

From Bex C (he/him):

“I’m just starting out myself, but I’ve found it easiest to be really open about my transition. It’s the 1st thing in all my dating profiles and I try to casually mention it at least once during the first convo.

First of all, I do it because I hate formally Coming Out to people. But also, I recognize that people don’t always read me as the gender I want them to (in my case: straight dudes thinking I’m a girl) and it’s super important to me to know from the beginning that people I date understand and respect my gender. Also be prepared for surprising shifts in their attractions. Who you’re into and what you like to do with them may change. I got waaaayyyy gayer.”

From Mina (they/her):

“Explain to them that you are transgender. Stealthing can be dangerous. Disclose any triggers that can lead to a dysphoria attack. Things they may ask and you can say no to things like showing a old picture of yourself and awkward question about hormone replacement therapy. Majority of this is from personal experience.

Things may change, fluctuate and evolve. Be who you want to be and who you want to be with that makes you feel you.”

From Zenith (she/her):

“Make it very clear to your partner what you are and are not comfortable with. I started dating someone just before transition who wanted to help me along the way. I made it very clear that things were weird with my body and I wasn’t very comfortable with sex at that moment. Your partner has to realize, no matter how supportive, that there are boundaries and things you cannot do. And if they go back on that, it can cause trouble. We aren’t dating anymore because she couldn’t respect those boundaries when asked to months later.”

And strictly from my limited perspective (so take this with all appropriate levels of salt): take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. This can be a tumultuous time, and you may find what you want and what you can handle will change a lot. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break when you need to. You may start out and realize that you’re not quite ready, and that’s fine. Nor, for that matter, do you need to wait until you are 100% ready, with every single of your ducks in a row. Everybody, male, female or non-binary, gay, pan or straight, goes into dating as a work in progress and continue to be so for all of our lives.

So if you need to take time, then by all means, do so. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend diving in and trying to learn how to swim afterwards – primarily for the safety issues that can surround dating while trans – but if you feel you’re ready, then give it a try. Do what’s right for you, according to your timeline and comfort.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve gone through a lot of self examination this past year and got a handle on emotional intelligence, except for this one issue.

I’m in a 3 year relationship that has been going very well, however this last year has been fraught with relationship ending hurdles, which we seem to have gotten through, although we are, clearly damaged through the other end. I have no doubt that together we can work through and bring our relationship back to how it was, and my partner is all about communication and not leaving things unsaid (when she has an issue).

Last year her ex of apparently not long got in touch to ask her out as he hadn’t realised she was in a relationship (they follow each other on Instagram and she’s more selfie than couple shots). She declined and explained and I thought that was that as he dropped off the radar for a while. I started noticing he likes every photo except for any that are of us together, and she initiated private messages between them.

This has led to a massive jealous streak coming out in me and it’s not been pretty. I looked through her phone without permission and have been seeing just how much contact she has with all of her exes (there are quite a few!). While nothing incriminating, I still have trust issues. At this point I should add that she had issue with how much contact I had with a single friend who I knew was interested, but from my end there was nothing of it but for her I cut this person out as my partner is more important. I compare the two situations and see my partner as craving attention from this guy which is making me feel like I lack something and she is not satisfied. Also, I told her I had been through her phone and asked her to change her passwords so the temptation is not there as this is a huge trust issue.

This led me to counseling and reading about emotional intelligence and it’s worked mostly, but every now and again I see his name pop up and she’s buried in her phone. I’ve told her how I feel, she says I’m immature. It feels secretive. I’ve had a handful of relationships versus her many so I feel it’s inexperience on my part and as such I worry I’m just as disposable.

I want to be able to understand that she is messaging an ex but that’s all it is. Logically there is nothing wrong, but I don’t know how to handle it when the dark thoughts creep in and consume my mind. I feel I should talk to her but I’ve done it so much that she gets pissed about it and its going to end the relationship.

I’ve listened to your jealousy podcast over and over, but how do I stop being jealous and making something out of nothing? Or am I right to have this gut feeling and just draw a line, him or me?  

The Third Wheel

DEAR THE THIRD WHEEL: Lots of couples deal with issues of jealousy; it’s an understandable part of the human experience. Even people in poly relationships have to deal with feelings of jealousy, same as everyone else.

Now, it’s easy to think that the fact that you feel jealous is inherently a bad thing and something that you should try to rise above or simply not feel it. It’s better to think of jealousy as being akin to the “check engine” light of your relationship. It may mean that you just need to tighten the gas cap, or it may mean that you have needs that are going unmet.

Or it may well be that there’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed, and one that could break the engine if it goes unfixed.

There are a number of things that could be going on here. It could be that your partner is just enjoying reconnecting with an old friend who she just happened to date. Or it could be that she’s enjoying the attention that she’s being given; after all, we all tend to appreciate flirting from someone outside of our relationship. Even when we love our partners to pieces, when they let us know how attractive they think we are, it can feel a little… rote. Like “of course, you say this, you have to.” Hearing it from someone else, even an ex, can be incredibly validating.

Or, it could be that those old feelings are sparking up and there’s trouble on the horizon.

And I’m not going to lie, FLTW: I’m side-eying both of you here. On your end, going through your partner’s phone is seriously uncool. I understand some believe that what you find can retroactively justify things, but it’s still a violation of their privacy. But by the same token, your partner telling you who you can or can’t be friends with is not cool with me, especially when she is doing the same thing you were.

While everyone has the right to their own comfort levels, “It’s ok for me but not for thee” isn’t something I’m cool with unless everyone’s on board. It’s not unreasonable for you to ask for the same consideration from your partner that you gave when she asked you to stop talking to your friend. The fact that she has a previous romantic relationship with him doesn’t change the math in any significant way. Feels are as likely to crop up with a stranger as with an ex.

And the fact that she’s buried in her phone makes it sound like her talking to this guy is taking time away from the two of you – which is a great way to damage the relationship beyond repair.

You’ve burned some trust by going through her phone, FLTW, especially since there wasn’t anything to justify your suspicion. That’s going to affect how she sees the situation. But at the same time, the fact that she’s not looking for someone else’s D doesn’t mean that it’s cool for her to be spending that much time and attention on someone else. The lack of a looming or impending affair doesn’t mean that it’s cool to ignore you or your needs.

So here’s what I’d suggest you do, FLTW: you need to stop being letting her irritation squash your feelings – especially if she’s been unwilling to acknowledge them. You need to sit down with her and have that awkward conversation, where you explain exactly why this situation makes you feel jealous. Be ready with some suggestions about what sort of solutions would work for you and how this would make things better. And then give her space to respond.

But here’s the thing: how she responds is going to tell you a lot about the state of your relationship. If her only response is to get angry and to call you immature, without ever acknowledging her end of things? That’s not good. That’s an indication that she either doesn’t see the problem or isn’t willing to do anything about it.

And if that’s the case… well, you’ve got some serious questions to ask yourself about how long you’re willing to put up with that behavior.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)