DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, thank you for your wise, level – headed and sensible columns. They are exceedingly valuable and I took a lot from them.

Here’s the thing, though. I recently (a few months ago) realised that, despite appearances to the contrary, I’m not actually male. While this is rather terrifying, I do think it’s been positive: at the very least, it makes sense of an awful lot of weirdness that I’ve been dealing with over the last few years. And while it definitely left me a bit out of it for a while, I’m moving forward with my transition and things are looking up (seriously, it’s scary how much easier everything is when you know what gender you are, even taking dysphoria into account).

Thing is, now that I’ve come to certain conclusions, dating and relationships have become a whole lot more attractive; I feel confident in myself, whoever I am, and quite honestly, though still a bit wobbly, I think I have the emotional maturity to meet people and form relationships. But actually doing it is massively fraught and confusing.

I never had any idea how to date as a man. I have a bit more of an idea of how to date as a woman, but then again, I think that while I am very much female and feminine, feminine gender roles in our society are a crock of s

t through and through. In short, I have no idea what the social rules are here. I know what I want to do, but that’s not exactly an ideal guide to what I should do.

Added to that is the issue of safety (I’m taking sensible precautions, such as self – defense training, but those only go so far) and the fact that the next few years are going to be a bit odd, with hormones, physical changes, social transition and all that. I’m quite happy putting off dating for a while, but five years is a bit long to wait, I think.

I have many very good friends, who have been brilliant, so I probably don’t have a right to complain, but even the closest friend isn’t quite the same thing as a life partner. I want someone whom I can drink tea with in bed over pastries and terrible newspapers on a Sunday morning. I want someone whom I can cook for and eat with, whom I can cuddle with on a couch after one too many glasses of wine. And with all the crap going on in my life, that just seems ineffably far off.

Apologies for this part – question, part – vent. To boil this down to a question:

How do I do relationships while transitioning? What are the social rules here? How do I meet people who might be interested in a relationship? How does all this work?

Sincerely,

Starting Off On My Journey

DEAR STARTING OFF ON MY JOURNEY: Hey SOOMJ, first of all, it’s great that you’ve found your truth and you’re becoming your authentic self. That’s huge and exciting and terrifying all at the same time. It’s going to be an astounding experience but one that, at the end, I think will be more than worth it.

Now as for your question… well, I’m a cis-gendered straight man, so I’m not going to have the experience or insight that trans men or women would have. So I put out the call to my readers, and here is some of the advice they have for you.

From Puck Von Nida:

“If you are seeing someone who doesn’t respect your transition or wants you to stop. They are toxic dump them. Also you are not a trap. Don’t ever let people tell you that”.

From Nikki:

“It didn’t really dawn on me until much later how much my standards would change during and after transitioning.

People I thought were amazing or good dates before would hit me up, and I’d have changed so much in those months that they were no longer appealing. And that’s okay!”

From Bex G (they/them):

“Biggest thing is being upfront that you don’t know exactly where you may be going. I had one image of who I wanted to be before I transitioned, but a very different one on the other end of the journey. There was someone I was mutually flirting with at the time who is very into androgynous bodies. So when I started to transition, he was looking forward to me going that way. But I didn’t & he got super upset.

Transition is all about ambiguity. And a lot of folks are really supportive of that ambiguity. But some aren’t, & weeding them out at the start is better for both of you.”

From Riley (he/him):

“Have good communication with your partner around sex — it was a super confusing time for me & what I could/couldn’t do sometimes changed wildly. It was good to have patient, understanding partners about that.

Also don’t date assh

*s just because they give you the time of day. I dated/had sex w too many terrible ppl because I thought I didn’t deserve to do better and should take what I could get.”

From Dana (she/her):

“Communication is key. In my opinion, people need to know what’s going on, so that false expectations won’t be a factor. Be clear what you want/like and don’t want/like.  Also, be careful please. There are many toxic people out there, especially so-called ‘chasers’ are a problem.”

From Sarah (she/her):

“Whether or not to be open about your trans status is completely your own call. You’ve cultivated your identity to where you are now. If you want to be up front, do it . If not, then don’t. Also, if you are just starting to date guys, they will say anything just to sleep with you.”

From Bex C (he/him):

“I’m just starting out myself, but I’ve found it easiest to be really open about my transition. It’s the 1st thing in all my dating profiles and I try to casually mention it at least once during the first convo.

First of all, I do it because I hate formally Coming Out to people. But also, I recognize that people don’t always read me as the gender I want them to (in my case: straight dudes thinking I’m a girl) and it’s super important to me to know from the beginning that people I date understand and respect my gender. Also be prepared for surprising shifts in their attractions. Who you’re into and what you like to do with them may change. I got waaaayyyy gayer.”

From Mina (they/her):

“Explain to them that you are transgender. Stealthing can be dangerous. Disclose any triggers that can lead to a dysphoria attack. Things they may ask and you can say no to things like showing a old picture of yourself and awkward question about hormone replacement therapy. Majority of this is from personal experience.

Things may change, fluctuate and evolve. Be who you want to be and who you want to be with that makes you feel you.”

From Zenith (she/her):

“Make it very clear to your partner what you are and are not comfortable with. I started dating someone just before transition who wanted to help me along the way. I made it very clear that things were weird with my body and I wasn’t very comfortable with sex at that moment. Your partner has to realize, no matter how supportive, that there are boundaries and things you cannot do. And if they go back on that, it can cause trouble. We aren’t dating anymore because she couldn’t respect those boundaries when asked to months later.”

And strictly from my limited perspective (so take this with all appropriate levels of salt): take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. This can be a tumultuous time, and you may find what you want and what you can handle will change a lot. There’s nothing wrong with taking a break when you need to. You may start out and realize that you’re not quite ready, and that’s fine. Nor, for that matter, do you need to wait until you are 100% ready, with every single of your ducks in a row. Everybody, male, female or non-binary, gay, pan or straight, goes into dating as a work in progress and continue to be so for all of our lives.

So if you need to take time, then by all means, do so. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend diving in and trying to learn how to swim afterwards – primarily for the safety issues that can surround dating while trans – but if you feel you’re ready, then give it a try. Do what’s right for you, according to your timeline and comfort.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve gone through a lot of self examination this past year and got a handle on emotional intelligence, except for this one issue.

I’m in a 3 year relationship that has been going very well, however this last year has been fraught with relationship ending hurdles, which we seem to have gotten through, although we are, clearly damaged through the other end. I have no doubt that together we can work through and bring our relationship back to how it was, and my partner is all about communication and not leaving things unsaid (when she has an issue).

Last year her ex of apparently not long got in touch to ask her out as he hadn’t realised she was in a relationship (they follow each other on Instagram and she’s more selfie than couple shots). She declined and explained and I thought that was that as he dropped off the radar for a while. I started noticing he likes every photo except for any that are of us together, and she initiated private messages between them.

This has led to a massive jealous streak coming out in me and it’s not been pretty. I looked through her phone without permission and have been seeing just how much contact she has with all of her exes (there are quite a few!). While nothing incriminating, I still have trust issues. At this point I should add that she had issue with how much contact I had with a single friend who I knew was interested, but from my end there was nothing of it but for her I cut this person out as my partner is more important. I compare the two situations and see my partner as craving attention from this guy which is making me feel like I lack something and she is not satisfied. Also, I told her I had been through her phone and asked her to change her passwords so the temptation is not there as this is a huge trust issue.

This led me to counseling and reading about emotional intelligence and it’s worked mostly, but every now and again I see his name pop up and she’s buried in her phone. I’ve told her how I feel, she says I’m immature. It feels secretive. I’ve had a handful of relationships versus her many so I feel it’s inexperience on my part and as such I worry I’m just as disposable.

I want to be able to understand that she is messaging an ex but that’s all it is. Logically there is nothing wrong, but I don’t know how to handle it when the dark thoughts creep in and consume my mind. I feel I should talk to her but I’ve done it so much that she gets pissed about it and its going to end the relationship.

I’ve listened to your jealousy podcast over and over, but how do I stop being jealous and making something out of nothing? Or am I right to have this gut feeling and just draw a line, him or me?  

The Third Wheel

DEAR THE THIRD WHEEL: Lots of couples deal with issues of jealousy; it’s an understandable part of the human experience. Even people in poly relationships have to deal with feelings of jealousy, same as everyone else.

Now, it’s easy to think that the fact that you feel jealous is inherently a bad thing and something that you should try to rise above or simply not feel it. It’s better to think of jealousy as being akin to the “check engine” light of your relationship. It may mean that you just need to tighten the gas cap, or it may mean that you have needs that are going unmet.

Or it may well be that there’s a bigger issue that needs to be addressed, and one that could break the engine if it goes unfixed.

There are a number of things that could be going on here. It could be that your partner is just enjoying reconnecting with an old friend who she just happened to date. Or it could be that she’s enjoying the attention that she’s being given; after all, we all tend to appreciate flirting from someone outside of our relationship. Even when we love our partners to pieces, when they let us know how attractive they think we are, it can feel a little… rote. Like “of course, you say this, you have to.” Hearing it from someone else, even an ex, can be incredibly validating.

Or, it could be that those old feelings are sparking up and there’s trouble on the horizon.

And I’m not going to lie, FLTW: I’m side-eying both of you here. On your end, going through your partner’s phone is seriously uncool. I understand some believe that what you find can retroactively justify things, but it’s still a violation of their privacy. But by the same token, your partner telling you who you can or can’t be friends with is not cool with me, especially when she is doing the same thing you were.

While everyone has the right to their own comfort levels, “It’s ok for me but not for thee” isn’t something I’m cool with unless everyone’s on board. It’s not unreasonable for you to ask for the same consideration from your partner that you gave when she asked you to stop talking to your friend. The fact that she has a previous romantic relationship with him doesn’t change the math in any significant way. Feels are as likely to crop up with a stranger as with an ex.

And the fact that she’s buried in her phone makes it sound like her talking to this guy is taking time away from the two of you – which is a great way to damage the relationship beyond repair.

You’ve burned some trust by going through her phone, FLTW, especially since there wasn’t anything to justify your suspicion. That’s going to affect how she sees the situation. But at the same time, the fact that she’s not looking for someone else’s D doesn’t mean that it’s cool for her to be spending that much time and attention on someone else. The lack of a looming or impending affair doesn’t mean that it’s cool to ignore you or your needs.

So here’s what I’d suggest you do, FLTW: you need to stop being letting her irritation squash your feelings – especially if she’s been unwilling to acknowledge them. You need to sit down with her and have that awkward conversation, where you explain exactly why this situation makes you feel jealous. Be ready with some suggestions about what sort of solutions would work for you and how this would make things better. And then give her space to respond.

But here’s the thing: how she responds is going to tell you a lot about the state of your relationship. If her only response is to get angry and to call you immature, without ever acknowledging her end of things? That’s not good. That’s an indication that she either doesn’t see the problem or isn’t willing to do anything about it.

And if that’s the case… well, you’ve got some serious questions to ask yourself about how long you’re willing to put up with that behavior.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I had a question I was hoping an expert could help me answer. I started dating a girl at the beginning of this year. Things were going great, we were highly compatible, she was an interesting conversationalist, and we were both physically and emotionally compatible. Great times were had by all… for about 4 months.

See, about 3 months in I told her that I loved her. I meant it, of course. I sat on my feelings for a bit before expressing them, I wanted to be absolutely sure. She told me she did not feel the same way and wanted to see where things went. I told her that was fine, I did not expect her to feel that way and understood and respected her feelings. Then things changed.

I started noticing that the quantity and quality of text messages diminished. I’ve had this sense before in previous failed relationships but thought I was just being paranoid. We were still great in person, we were still very intimate, and so I ignored the texting thing.

Then about a month later she tells me she needs to talk. She had been doing some thinking and believes that she is a lesbian. I was not sure how to respond to this. I know she’s been in love with a girl in the past, love that was un-reciprocated. She had never been in any serious relationship with a man or woman in the past. She had asserted, when we first started dating, that she was bisexual. Now that was no longer the case. The relationship ended, unfortunately. When asked if something changed after telling her I loved her she said she was filled with dread upon hearing that. She said she wasn’t sure if she could ever feel that way.

I have two questions based on all of this: 1) Should I have told her I loved her? Should I have waited longer, regardless of outcome? 2) When I thought something might have been off would it have benefited me to bring it up in conversation and discuss it? I thought about it and wasn’t sure if it was important enough at the time. I’m trying to learn from mistakes made here as I move forward so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

– Trying to Learn

DEAR TRYING TO LEARN: I think you’re overthinking things, TTL. People assume that everything in relationships is a linear progression of cause and effect when in reality, it’s really a bit more a ball of wibbly-wobbly timey wimey… stuff.

Yeah, that kind of got away from me.

I’m going to start by saying that three months is seriously early to drop the l-word, particularly if you’d been feeling it for a while before hand. At three months, you’re still balls deep in the honeymoon stage of the relationship where everything about them is amazing from the way they look, to the way their hair smells to the adorable way they chew their food. You’ve got all that new relationship energy flaring up in your brain from the novelty of it all and it feels absolutely incredible… but it can also be pretty fleeting. 9 times out of 10, at three months you haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of who your snuggle-bunny is. Hell, most of the time, you’re probably not even at the “willing-to-fart-in-front-of-them” stage, which as we all know, is a key milestone in any relationship.

So I think telling someone you love them at three months is premature at best, especially if you don’t have enough relationship experience to know the difference between love and limerence. But beyond issues with your mistaking infatuation for romance, telling someone you love them that soon can scare people off.

For many people that can be a sign that you may be the sort of person who overcommits early in the relationship, which is a red flag. People who mistake infatuation for love tend to be displaying lower emotional intelligence or low self-esteem and are hoping to lock the other person down before they could get away. Abusers also tend to declare their love early; for them, it’s a way to manipulate people who’re emotionally vulnerable or inexperienced. They “love-bomb” their targets into lowering their defenses, showering them with expansive declarations of their undying devotion and trying to overwhelm their victims’ Spidey-sense.

The other issue with declaring your love for someone early is that it’s a heavy thing to drop on someone, especially at three months in. There’s a lot of pressure to respond, and if she doesn’t feel the same way you do then things can get awkward. But even if she’s not intimidated or weirded out by it, it can make people stop and reconsider just how they’re feeling about the relationship.

Which I think is what happened to you and your girlfriend. I think that your telling her you loved her may well have made her stop and reexamine her own feelings. Not just her feelings about you specifically but about how she felt about men in general and her sexuality.

Let’s break this down a little. Sexuality tends to fall on a spectrum and people can and frequently do slide around on said spectrum as they gain more insight into themselves and what they want and don’t want. Someone, for example, who’s bisexual may find themselves in periods where they’re more attracted to men or more attracted to women. They may realize that being bi was a pause on the way to identifying as gay or to identifying as straight. They may be bisexual but hetero or homoromantic – that is, they’ll have sex with men and women but have romantic relationships with one gender. Sometimes they be gay but have an occasional sudden (and often unexpected) attraction to someone of the opposite sex and believe that perhaps they are bi instead of just running into one person who flips their switch.

(This, incidentally, can go both ways – there’ve been straight people who’ve realized that this one particular penis or vagina just happens to be one they’d be interested in.)

I think your saying the L-word was the catalyst to make her stop and think about things and… well, she realized something about herself that meant that she couldn’t continue dating you.

So the short and dirty answer is that all you did was likely accelerate the timeline on something that was going to happen anyway. Bringing up the fact that she was starting to feel distant wouldn’t have helped. I can guarantee you that she would have had any number of very plausible reasons why she was increasingly unavailable by phone or text.

There really wouldn’t have been anything you could to do change her mind. Ultimately – and honestly I hate the fact that I actually have to spout this cliche – it wasn’t you, it was her.

Which, y’know, sucks. But at the same time, it’s a mixed blessing. Yeah, it’s a shame that the relationship is over; you really liked her and it’s going to hurt that things ended the way that they did. At the core though, all that happened is that something that ultimately couldn’t work ended sooner, rather than later. So what do you take from this? Next time, don’t tell someone you love them three months in. Wouldn’t have made a difference in this case, but it may well prevent a premature end to your next relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been struggling with this problem for the past couple of years and I would really like your advice on this please.

I am a 24 year guy with a job and good friends. I have started exercising again, made new friends at my workplace, go out every weekend etc. I have no dating experience, still a virgin ( I have only gotten far as kissing a girl back in university who had a crush on all my friends and a few lap dances in gentleman’s clubs).

One of my biggest problems is the fact that I have low self esteem and can’t stand up for myself. It has been happening since I was a child and can’t seem to figure out how to deal with it. I have however found the cause ( or at least I think it is) of this problem: the way my parents treat me.

My parents dictate everything I do and I mean everything. They have interfered on what field to work in, what to study in university, the clothes I wear etc. They also make a habit of spoiling me by buying me clothes, cooking my food, scolding me whenever I am out with my friends and I don’t text them to tell them where I am and a million other pathetic reasons. I have been thinking of moving out and renting a place to live on my own so that I won’t have any interference.

I have read every inch of your website and I solely came to the conclusion that I have fallen in the nice guy territory. And from what I gather it is not a good sign, given the fact that I want to kickstart my dating life.

My question is do you think that I have fallen in the nice guy territory because of my parent’s badgering and clingy rubbish? What do you think is the best way to fix such a problem?

Thanks in advance

Confused Tall Guy

DEAR CONFUSED TALL GUY: I think you’re confusing being a Nice Guy with not being assertive, CTG. That’s not the same thing at all. Now, many Nice Guys are passive, but being passive doesn’t make you a Nice Guy. Being a Nice Guy means that you’re trading on the idea that being Nice (rather than nice) is enough to oblige a woman to repay you with sex. So put that whole issue aside for now.

Let’s focus on the real issue here: your folks and your relationship with them. Right now, you’re letting them run roughshod over you and your life and that’s not a good thing. Maybe they’re toxic people who prefer to keep folks under their thumb. Maybe they’re well-intentioned but overenthusiastic and can’t quite take a step back to let you make your own decisions and start your own life without their constant “help”. Either way, they’re smothering your independence and self-esteem. You’re a grown-ass man and they’re still treating you like a child. That needs to change. And since they’re not showing any signs of backing off, it’s time for you to start drawing some lines in the sand.

Now, since you’re talking about going out and getting your own place, I’m assuming that you have a job and aren’t financially dependent on your folks to survive. If not… well, the first thing I would suggest is that you find one and start saving up now. Finances are one of the ways that over-controlling parents keep their children under their thumbs. It’s easier, for example, for parents to demand what you study in college when they can threaten to yank your tuition. The fewer strings they have to pull on, the better off you will be, and making sure that you aren’t relying on their financial support gets rid of many of them.

But you have to realize is that just getting out of the house isn’t necessarily going to be the end of things. Parents are quite capable of still exerting influence on your life, even when you don’t live under the same roof as they do. There are plenty of parents who can wield weaponized guilt like a scalpel, even from thousands of miles away. Being your own man means standing up and enforcing your boundaries – and that means being willing to make your own decisions and stick to them under the weight of their demands and disapproval. You have to be willing to withstand their disagreements, their criticism or their insistence on getting their way.

You also have to be willing to accept the consequences of your choices. That may mean dealing with their anger or disappointment. It may also mean dealing with the fact that you’re going to make mistakes. You’re human. It’s going to happen. Part of what often makes it hard to step out from under your parents’ control is that someone else is making choices for you – and that means that your failures are ultimately not your fault. It’s easier, less scary. You have what feels like someone to catch you when you fall.

But being willing to risk failure and to get back up and fail better this time is part of taking back your independence.

So how do you do this? You start unlearning this helplessness by taking a stand in small ways. First and foremost: quit letting them dictate your clothes and your social life. You’re a grown-ass man and you don’t need people making decisions for you. You can tell them “I appreciate your opinion, but this is what I’ve chosen to wear. Please stop trying to choose things for me.” It may feel a little absurd – you’re 24 and having to tell your parents to quit trying to decide what you’re allowed to wear – but it’s something easy to act on. It’s that first step on a journey. It’s a very small thing, but those small victories add up quickly and make each, larger victory that much easier.

Moving on to putting up boundaries around your social life is another, significant step. It’s one thing to provide common courtesy if you’re living with them – letting them know you’ll be out late, for example. It’s another entirely to have to continually provide updates on where you are and who you’re with. You can tell them, simply, “I’m an adult. I appreciate that you care, but I don’t need to check in with you.” 

Similarly, it’s nice of them to do things for you like cook or buy you clothes, but you also don’t have to accept it if it comes with strings. You can say “I appreciate your doing this for me, but please stop.”

That phrase “I appreciate X but please stop,” is both your sword and shield. It blunts accusations of being selfish or unappreciative and at the same time gives no wiggle room for people to argue with you. You don’t need to explain. You don’t need to justify your preferences. You want what you want, full stop. As I’ve said before: “No” is a full sentence.

I realize you probably feel foolish. I realize you probably feel like a loser. You aren’t and you’re not. You’re getting a later start than other people have, and that’s fine.  Letting yourself get caught up in infinite, recursive loops of “I should have…” and “why haven’t I…?” are only going to trip you up and make things harder. It doesn’t matter that you’ve waited until now to stretch your wings and assert yourself; it only matters that you’re doing it.

One last word of advice: asserting your boundaries, particularly with your parents, can be stressful. Make sure you have your Team You – your friends and family-by-choice who’ve got your back and will support you and cheer you on during all of this. They’re going to be a valuable source of strength and inspiration during all of this. You may find it useful to talk to a counselor or therapist; they can help if you’re feeling especially bad or ashamed and help you develop scripts for standing up for yourself.

Good luck, CTG. You’re going to be fine. Write back and let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: today’s column involves frank talk about suicide attempts and self-harm)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I turn 25 in less than a month and I have never dated before. I intend to get stared in the near future. In high school I simply wasn’t ready, in college it basically got pushed to the bottom of my priorities list, and after college it took me couple of years to get my career in order and move out on my own.

When I start dating, I want to be able to present myself well enough that the woman I’m seeing won’t realize I’m inexperienced. I’m not saying I want to be dishonest about my past. I’ll be more than willing to reveal to her that I’m new to dating when the time is right. My goal is that when I do reveal this, she’ll be surprised to hear it since the dates went so well. Maybe that’s a lofty goal, but I want to do the best I can.

Is my goal realistic? What are some steps I can take in order to achieve it? What are some common rookie mistakes when it comes to dating and how can I avoid them?

Also, is there a good time for me to reveal to the woman I’m seeing that I’m new to dating? I’m assuming it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring it up on the first date, but maybe a few dates in? Or should I simply not bring it up unless she asks?

Thank you for all that you do.

Sincerely,

Late Bloomer Ready to Bloom

DEAR LATE BLOOMER READY TO BLOOM: Here’s what you need to do LBRB: you need to calm the hell down.

Seriously my dude. I get a letter like yours on pretty much a weekly basis, all full of first timers who’re terrified that women can smell the inexperience on them. Hell, you can go back to my column from Valentine’s Day and see a similar letter from Need An Instruction Manual.

No, seriously. Go back and read it.

But here’s the thing: women aren’t going to give a damn if this is your first date or your five hundredth. They’re not worried about finding a guy who’s two punches on his card away from a free relationship sandwich, they’re worried about finding someone they like.

That dude could be you, if you just slow your roll and quit worrying about trying to pad out your dating resume.

Now like I said: if you go back and re-read my advice to Need An Instruction Manual, you’ll get a lot of the “rules” - as it were - that you’re looking for. But let me give you the TL;DR version.

Here’s what you need to do to make your first date with someone (or your first date ever) incredible: have fun. Seriously. That’s it. Do something fun and offbeat. Other best practices include:

Making sure you’re on a date with HER, not your phone

Asking questions about her and her interests. Focus on getting to know her and connecting with her, not impressing her.

Not getting drunk because you need some liquid courage to calm your nerves.

And just chill. You don’t need to reveal that you haven’t dated much (or at all) and you don’t need to make a big deal out of it. If she asks, tell her what you told me: it wasn’t a priority when you were younger and after college you focused on your career. The only people who’ll make a fuss out of that? Are ass

*es. And you don’t need to spend your precious time on ass

*es.

You’ll be fine. Just do like Frankie says:

Relax.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I could really do with some help right now.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with a girl who has been a friend since I was in the 9th grade. It’s been 6 years since we’ve known each other.

Before I tell you the problem, I think I should tell you how our relationship came to be so you can understand better. In the 10th grade, both of us were in relationships, with different people. I broke up as I moved away, while and she had a breakup around the time that she was tested positive for hypothyroidism. The guy got scared and broke up with her. She was shattered.

And yet, I was just a friend but I stuck around for her, even though I was in a different city. Our friendship grew deeper thanks to this. Two years ago I finally realized I was falling for her. She felt the same maybe and our long distance relationship began. Yes, a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. It was ok.. pretty stable. And the first time we met in our relationship was in January. I know it sounds crazy, but that is the truth. Since then, we’ve met a total of 5 times as of today.

Now, for the problem: She is a fantastic person, is pursuing medicine, the same as me, and very hardworking. I thought that she is the one I want to stay with forever, but now I realize that I am just not happy anymore with her. It’s just falling apart. I don’t feel anything like that warm fuzzy feeling called love. I just don’t. But I care for her. A lot.

She’s attempted suicide once before, and I’m afraid that she might harm herself if we DO break up. We had a massive fight once and she slit her wrist. Fortunately, the cut wasn’t deep enough. So she was safe.

I feel I have grown out of this relationship. And I want to look forward to other prospects in life and work towards my career. Please help.

Leaving Long Distance

DEAR LEAVING LONG DISTANCE: Look, LLD, I’m gonna level with you: every relationship is going to even out. You’re not going to have a permanent case of the warmfuzzies for someone, no matter how amazing they are. The early, warm and tingly phase of every relationship fades as the connection you have with them deepens and becomes something different - but no less meaningful - than just the butterflies-in-the-stomach sort of thing.

And to be perfectly honest, I suspect part of the reason it lasted as long as it did for you was that you were in a long-distance relationship and the time between in-person visits prolonged things.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a judgement on you. The only reason you need to leave a relationship is that you want out. I just don’t want you going through your next string of relationships wondering why each seems to fall apart after the other.

Now, all that having been said: it’s probably for the best that you’re currently long distance with this girl because, frankly, it’s going to cut down on the immediate drama. The fact that she’s slit her writs in a show of drama before is… troubling. There is a certain personality-type – male or female – that will use threats of self-harm in order to get their way or maintain control of their partner. This is especially true if they suspect that their partner is going to leave them. They are, for all intents and purposes, putting you into a hostage situation, where if you leave, they’ll kill a hostage.

The twist is that THEY’RE the hostage.

Unfortunately, however, the only way to get out of that situation is basically to call their bluff. Otherwise, you have to ask yourself: how long you’re willing to stick around to keep them from hurting themselves? A month? A year? Five years? Are you going to have to spend the rest of your life with her for fear that she’ll pull the (metaphorical) trigger if you leave?

Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean that you just up and dump them or leave them in a cruel and capricious fashion. You do owe her a certain amount of dignity and respect. This is why if you’re going to leave, you want to make the break up as quick and clean as possible. Once you’ve decided you want out, then the best thing you can do is end things immediately. Dragging it out is going to be like pulling off a bandage; it’s just going to prolong the agony, especially when your soon-to-be ex looks back on your time together and realizes that you’d been dying to leave.

So if you’re going to do it, do it soon. Call her up – normally I suggest that you do this face to face, but the LDR rules that out – and tell her straight up: you love her, you care for her, but you just can’t be her boyfriend any more. It’s nothing that she’s done, nothing that you’ve done; it’s just that your relationship’s reached its natural conclusion. You appreciate everything that you’ve gone through together, you’ll miss her and you won’t forget any of your time together… but that time’s come to an end and you have to move on.

She’s going to yell. Let her. She’s going to want to argue, to bargain, to demand explanations. Stand firm. You’re ending the relationship, not opening negotiations. The moment you start to engage with her arguments about why you can’t or shouldn’t leave is the moment that you’re making things worse. At that point, it’s no longer a break-up, it’s a contract negotiation, and you’re going to have to fight even harder to make this break-up stick.

Repeat what you’d said: it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that the relationship has run its course and it’s time for you to go.

And then you leave. You may need to apply the Nuclear Option to make sure that things stick. I know that there’s the impulse to be friends afterwards. It’s a noble impulse. But while you may be friends in the future, you’re not going to be able to instantly make the transition from “lovers” to “friends”. There needs to be time, distance and perspective to let the healing happen and that’s not going to happen overnight. You’re both going to need time away to make that happen.

Now let’s talk about the elephant in the room: whether she’s likely going to actually commit suicide if you leave. I honestly have my doubts; it sounds like her actions last time were more in the “cry-for-help/attention” school of drama. This is going to sound unbelievably callous, but some people WILL use act of self-harm as a threat against their partner, including actually cutting themselves. It’s rare that those attempts are more than for show, but they can be terrifying for the person who’s witnessing them.

So while I don’t think she will ACTUALLY harm herself, it’s not an unreasonable fear to have, and it’s something you would be wise to take into account.

If you’re worried that she might hurt herself when you break up with her, then the best thing you can do is give someone a heads up. It may be that you call her family before you call her. Let them know that you’re about to break up with their daughter and that she may be in a fragile state. If you’re not in contact with her family, then alert her friends – even if it’s just over Facebook. Give them the same notice: you’re leaving her and she’s going to need people around her, especially since you’re worried about what she may do.

If she calls you and threatens to hurt herself and you have reason to believe that she’s serious? That’s when you bring out the big guns and actually call emergency services. This isn’t the sort of thing you can do on your own.

But at the end of the day: you’ve got to do what’s right for you. And it sounds to me like leaving is the best thing that you can do. For the both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)