DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I had a question I was hoping an expert could help me answer. I started dating a girl at the beginning of this year. Things were going great, we were highly compatible, she was an interesting conversationalist, and we were both physically and emotionally compatible. Great times were had by all… for about 4 months.

See, about 3 months in I told her that I loved her. I meant it, of course. I sat on my feelings for a bit before expressing them, I wanted to be absolutely sure. She told me she did not feel the same way and wanted to see where things went. I told her that was fine, I did not expect her to feel that way and understood and respected her feelings. Then things changed.

I started noticing that the quantity and quality of text messages diminished. I’ve had this sense before in previous failed relationships but thought I was just being paranoid. We were still great in person, we were still very intimate, and so I ignored the texting thing.

Then about a month later she tells me she needs to talk. She had been doing some thinking and believes that she is a lesbian. I was not sure how to respond to this. I know she’s been in love with a girl in the past, love that was un-reciprocated. She had never been in any serious relationship with a man or woman in the past. She had asserted, when we first started dating, that she was bisexual. Now that was no longer the case. The relationship ended, unfortunately. When asked if something changed after telling her I loved her she said she was filled with dread upon hearing that. She said she wasn’t sure if she could ever feel that way.

I have two questions based on all of this: 1) Should I have told her I loved her? Should I have waited longer, regardless of outcome? 2) When I thought something might have been off would it have benefited me to bring it up in conversation and discuss it? I thought about it and wasn’t sure if it was important enough at the time. I’m trying to learn from mistakes made here as I move forward so any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

– Trying to Learn

DEAR TRYING TO LEARN: I think you’re overthinking things, TTL. People assume that everything in relationships is a linear progression of cause and effect when in reality, it’s really a bit more a ball of wibbly-wobbly timey wimey… stuff.

Yeah, that kind of got away from me.

I’m going to start by saying that three months is seriously early to drop the l-word, particularly if you’d been feeling it for a while before hand. At three months, you’re still balls deep in the honeymoon stage of the relationship where everything about them is amazing from the way they look, to the way their hair smells to the adorable way they chew their food. You’ve got all that new relationship energy flaring up in your brain from the novelty of it all and it feels absolutely incredible… but it can also be pretty fleeting. 9 times out of 10, at three months you haven’t even begun to scratch the surface of who your snuggle-bunny is. Hell, most of the time, you’re probably not even at the “willing-to-fart-in-front-of-them” stage, which as we all know, is a key milestone in any relationship.

So I think telling someone you love them at three months is premature at best, especially if you don’t have enough relationship experience to know the difference between love and limerence. But beyond issues with your mistaking infatuation for romance, telling someone you love them that soon can scare people off.

For many people that can be a sign that you may be the sort of person who overcommits early in the relationship, which is a red flag. People who mistake infatuation for love tend to be displaying lower emotional intelligence or low self-esteem and are hoping to lock the other person down before they could get away. Abusers also tend to declare their love early; for them, it’s a way to manipulate people who’re emotionally vulnerable or inexperienced. They “love-bomb” their targets into lowering their defenses, showering them with expansive declarations of their undying devotion and trying to overwhelm their victims’ Spidey-sense.

The other issue with declaring your love for someone early is that it’s a heavy thing to drop on someone, especially at three months in. There’s a lot of pressure to respond, and if she doesn’t feel the same way you do then things can get awkward. But even if she’s not intimidated or weirded out by it, it can make people stop and reconsider just how they’re feeling about the relationship.

Which I think is what happened to you and your girlfriend. I think that your telling her you loved her may well have made her stop and reexamine her own feelings. Not just her feelings about you specifically but about how she felt about men in general and her sexuality.

Let’s break this down a little. Sexuality tends to fall on a spectrum and people can and frequently do slide around on said spectrum as they gain more insight into themselves and what they want and don’t want. Someone, for example, who’s bisexual may find themselves in periods where they’re more attracted to men or more attracted to women. They may realize that being bi was a pause on the way to identifying as gay or to identifying as straight. They may be bisexual but hetero or homoromantic – that is, they’ll have sex with men and women but have romantic relationships with one gender. Sometimes they be gay but have an occasional sudden (and often unexpected) attraction to someone of the opposite sex and believe that perhaps they are bi instead of just running into one person who flips their switch.

(This, incidentally, can go both ways – there’ve been straight people who’ve realized that this one particular penis or vagina just happens to be one they’d be interested in.)

I think your saying the L-word was the catalyst to make her stop and think about things and… well, she realized something about herself that meant that she couldn’t continue dating you.

So the short and dirty answer is that all you did was likely accelerate the timeline on something that was going to happen anyway. Bringing up the fact that she was starting to feel distant wouldn’t have helped. I can guarantee you that she would have had any number of very plausible reasons why she was increasingly unavailable by phone or text.

There really wouldn’t have been anything you could to do change her mind. Ultimately – and honestly I hate the fact that I actually have to spout this cliche – it wasn’t you, it was her.

Which, y’know, sucks. But at the same time, it’s a mixed blessing. Yeah, it’s a shame that the relationship is over; you really liked her and it’s going to hurt that things ended the way that they did. At the core though, all that happened is that something that ultimately couldn’t work ended sooner, rather than later. So what do you take from this? Next time, don’t tell someone you love them three months in. Wouldn’t have made a difference in this case, but it may well prevent a premature end to your next relationship.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been struggling with this problem for the past couple of years and I would really like your advice on this please.

I am a 24 year guy with a job and good friends. I have started exercising again, made new friends at my workplace, go out every weekend etc. I have no dating experience, still a virgin ( I have only gotten far as kissing a girl back in university who had a crush on all my friends and a few lap dances in gentleman’s clubs).

One of my biggest problems is the fact that I have low self esteem and can’t stand up for myself. It has been happening since I was a child and can’t seem to figure out how to deal with it. I have however found the cause ( or at least I think it is) of this problem: the way my parents treat me.

My parents dictate everything I do and I mean everything. They have interfered on what field to work in, what to study in university, the clothes I wear etc. They also make a habit of spoiling me by buying me clothes, cooking my food, scolding me whenever I am out with my friends and I don’t text them to tell them where I am and a million other pathetic reasons. I have been thinking of moving out and renting a place to live on my own so that I won’t have any interference.

I have read every inch of your website and I solely came to the conclusion that I have fallen in the nice guy territory. And from what I gather it is not a good sign, given the fact that I want to kickstart my dating life.

My question is do you think that I have fallen in the nice guy territory because of my parent’s badgering and clingy rubbish? What do you think is the best way to fix such a problem?

Thanks in advance

Confused Tall Guy

DEAR CONFUSED TALL GUY: I think you’re confusing being a Nice Guy with not being assertive, CTG. That’s not the same thing at all. Now, many Nice Guys are passive, but being passive doesn’t make you a Nice Guy. Being a Nice Guy means that you’re trading on the idea that being Nice (rather than nice) is enough to oblige a woman to repay you with sex. So put that whole issue aside for now.

Let’s focus on the real issue here: your folks and your relationship with them. Right now, you’re letting them run roughshod over you and your life and that’s not a good thing. Maybe they’re toxic people who prefer to keep folks under their thumb. Maybe they’re well-intentioned but overenthusiastic and can’t quite take a step back to let you make your own decisions and start your own life without their constant “help”. Either way, they’re smothering your independence and self-esteem. You’re a grown-ass man and they’re still treating you like a child. That needs to change. And since they’re not showing any signs of backing off, it’s time for you to start drawing some lines in the sand.

Now, since you’re talking about going out and getting your own place, I’m assuming that you have a job and aren’t financially dependent on your folks to survive. If not… well, the first thing I would suggest is that you find one and start saving up now. Finances are one of the ways that over-controlling parents keep their children under their thumbs. It’s easier, for example, for parents to demand what you study in college when they can threaten to yank your tuition. The fewer strings they have to pull on, the better off you will be, and making sure that you aren’t relying on their financial support gets rid of many of them.

But you have to realize is that just getting out of the house isn’t necessarily going to be the end of things. Parents are quite capable of still exerting influence on your life, even when you don’t live under the same roof as they do. There are plenty of parents who can wield weaponized guilt like a scalpel, even from thousands of miles away. Being your own man means standing up and enforcing your boundaries – and that means being willing to make your own decisions and stick to them under the weight of their demands and disapproval. You have to be willing to withstand their disagreements, their criticism or their insistence on getting their way.

You also have to be willing to accept the consequences of your choices. That may mean dealing with their anger or disappointment. It may also mean dealing with the fact that you’re going to make mistakes. You’re human. It’s going to happen. Part of what often makes it hard to step out from under your parents’ control is that someone else is making choices for you – and that means that your failures are ultimately not your fault. It’s easier, less scary. You have what feels like someone to catch you when you fall.

But being willing to risk failure and to get back up and fail better this time is part of taking back your independence.

So how do you do this? You start unlearning this helplessness by taking a stand in small ways. First and foremost: quit letting them dictate your clothes and your social life. You’re a grown-ass man and you don’t need people making decisions for you. You can tell them “I appreciate your opinion, but this is what I’ve chosen to wear. Please stop trying to choose things for me.” It may feel a little absurd – you’re 24 and having to tell your parents to quit trying to decide what you’re allowed to wear – but it’s something easy to act on. It’s that first step on a journey. It’s a very small thing, but those small victories add up quickly and make each, larger victory that much easier.

Moving on to putting up boundaries around your social life is another, significant step. It’s one thing to provide common courtesy if you’re living with them – letting them know you’ll be out late, for example. It’s another entirely to have to continually provide updates on where you are and who you’re with. You can tell them, simply, “I’m an adult. I appreciate that you care, but I don’t need to check in with you.” 

Similarly, it’s nice of them to do things for you like cook or buy you clothes, but you also don’t have to accept it if it comes with strings. You can say “I appreciate your doing this for me, but please stop.”

That phrase “I appreciate X but please stop,” is both your sword and shield. It blunts accusations of being selfish or unappreciative and at the same time gives no wiggle room for people to argue with you. You don’t need to explain. You don’t need to justify your preferences. You want what you want, full stop. As I’ve said before: “No” is a full sentence.

I realize you probably feel foolish. I realize you probably feel like a loser. You aren’t and you’re not. You’re getting a later start than other people have, and that’s fine.  Letting yourself get caught up in infinite, recursive loops of “I should have…” and “why haven’t I…?” are only going to trip you up and make things harder. It doesn’t matter that you’ve waited until now to stretch your wings and assert yourself; it only matters that you’re doing it.

One last word of advice: asserting your boundaries, particularly with your parents, can be stressful. Make sure you have your Team You – your friends and family-by-choice who’ve got your back and will support you and cheer you on during all of this. They’re going to be a valuable source of strength and inspiration during all of this. You may find it useful to talk to a counselor or therapist; they can help if you’re feeling especially bad or ashamed and help you develop scripts for standing up for yourself.

Good luck, CTG. You’re going to be fine. Write back and let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: today’s column involves frank talk about suicide attempts and self-harm)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I turn 25 in less than a month and I have never dated before. I intend to get stared in the near future. In high school I simply wasn’t ready, in college it basically got pushed to the bottom of my priorities list, and after college it took me couple of years to get my career in order and move out on my own.

When I start dating, I want to be able to present myself well enough that the woman I’m seeing won’t realize I’m inexperienced. I’m not saying I want to be dishonest about my past. I’ll be more than willing to reveal to her that I’m new to dating when the time is right. My goal is that when I do reveal this, she’ll be surprised to hear it since the dates went so well. Maybe that’s a lofty goal, but I want to do the best I can.

Is my goal realistic? What are some steps I can take in order to achieve it? What are some common rookie mistakes when it comes to dating and how can I avoid them?

Also, is there a good time for me to reveal to the woman I’m seeing that I’m new to dating? I’m assuming it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring it up on the first date, but maybe a few dates in? Or should I simply not bring it up unless she asks?

Thank you for all that you do.

Sincerely,

Late Bloomer Ready to Bloom

DEAR LATE BLOOMER READY TO BLOOM: Here’s what you need to do LBRB: you need to calm the hell down.

Seriously my dude. I get a letter like yours on pretty much a weekly basis, all full of first timers who’re terrified that women can smell the inexperience on them. Hell, you can go back to my column from Valentine’s Day and see a similar letter from Need An Instruction Manual.

No, seriously. Go back and read it.

But here’s the thing: women aren’t going to give a damn if this is your first date or your five hundredth. They’re not worried about finding a guy who’s two punches on his card away from a free relationship sandwich, they’re worried about finding someone they like.

That dude could be you, if you just slow your roll and quit worrying about trying to pad out your dating resume.

Now like I said: if you go back and re-read my advice to Need An Instruction Manual, you’ll get a lot of the “rules” - as it were - that you’re looking for. But let me give you the TL;DR version.

Here’s what you need to do to make your first date with someone (or your first date ever) incredible: have fun. Seriously. That’s it. Do something fun and offbeat. Other best practices include:

Making sure you’re on a date with HER, not your phone

Asking questions about her and her interests. Focus on getting to know her and connecting with her, not impressing her.

Not getting drunk because you need some liquid courage to calm your nerves.

And just chill. You don’t need to reveal that you haven’t dated much (or at all) and you don’t need to make a big deal out of it. If she asks, tell her what you told me: it wasn’t a priority when you were younger and after college you focused on your career. The only people who’ll make a fuss out of that? Are ass

*es. And you don’t need to spend your precious time on ass

*es.

You’ll be fine. Just do like Frankie says:

Relax.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I could really do with some help right now.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with a girl who has been a friend since I was in the 9th grade. It’s been 6 years since we’ve known each other.

Before I tell you the problem, I think I should tell you how our relationship came to be so you can understand better. In the 10th grade, both of us were in relationships, with different people. I broke up as I moved away, while and she had a breakup around the time that she was tested positive for hypothyroidism. The guy got scared and broke up with her. She was shattered.

And yet, I was just a friend but I stuck around for her, even though I was in a different city. Our friendship grew deeper thanks to this. Two years ago I finally realized I was falling for her. She felt the same maybe and our long distance relationship began. Yes, a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. It was ok.. pretty stable. And the first time we met in our relationship was in January. I know it sounds crazy, but that is the truth. Since then, we’ve met a total of 5 times as of today.

Now, for the problem: She is a fantastic person, is pursuing medicine, the same as me, and very hardworking. I thought that she is the one I want to stay with forever, but now I realize that I am just not happy anymore with her. It’s just falling apart. I don’t feel anything like that warm fuzzy feeling called love. I just don’t. But I care for her. A lot.

She’s attempted suicide once before, and I’m afraid that she might harm herself if we DO break up. We had a massive fight once and she slit her wrist. Fortunately, the cut wasn’t deep enough. So she was safe.

I feel I have grown out of this relationship. And I want to look forward to other prospects in life and work towards my career. Please help.

Leaving Long Distance

DEAR LEAVING LONG DISTANCE: Look, LLD, I’m gonna level with you: every relationship is going to even out. You’re not going to have a permanent case of the warmfuzzies for someone, no matter how amazing they are. The early, warm and tingly phase of every relationship fades as the connection you have with them deepens and becomes something different - but no less meaningful - than just the butterflies-in-the-stomach sort of thing.

And to be perfectly honest, I suspect part of the reason it lasted as long as it did for you was that you were in a long-distance relationship and the time between in-person visits prolonged things.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a judgement on you. The only reason you need to leave a relationship is that you want out. I just don’t want you going through your next string of relationships wondering why each seems to fall apart after the other.

Now, all that having been said: it’s probably for the best that you’re currently long distance with this girl because, frankly, it’s going to cut down on the immediate drama. The fact that she’s slit her writs in a show of drama before is… troubling. There is a certain personality-type – male or female – that will use threats of self-harm in order to get their way or maintain control of their partner. This is especially true if they suspect that their partner is going to leave them. They are, for all intents and purposes, putting you into a hostage situation, where if you leave, they’ll kill a hostage.

The twist is that THEY’RE the hostage.

Unfortunately, however, the only way to get out of that situation is basically to call their bluff. Otherwise, you have to ask yourself: how long you’re willing to stick around to keep them from hurting themselves? A month? A year? Five years? Are you going to have to spend the rest of your life with her for fear that she’ll pull the (metaphorical) trigger if you leave?

Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean that you just up and dump them or leave them in a cruel and capricious fashion. You do owe her a certain amount of dignity and respect. This is why if you’re going to leave, you want to make the break up as quick and clean as possible. Once you’ve decided you want out, then the best thing you can do is end things immediately. Dragging it out is going to be like pulling off a bandage; it’s just going to prolong the agony, especially when your soon-to-be ex looks back on your time together and realizes that you’d been dying to leave.

So if you’re going to do it, do it soon. Call her up – normally I suggest that you do this face to face, but the LDR rules that out – and tell her straight up: you love her, you care for her, but you just can’t be her boyfriend any more. It’s nothing that she’s done, nothing that you’ve done; it’s just that your relationship’s reached its natural conclusion. You appreciate everything that you’ve gone through together, you’ll miss her and you won’t forget any of your time together… but that time’s come to an end and you have to move on.

She’s going to yell. Let her. She’s going to want to argue, to bargain, to demand explanations. Stand firm. You’re ending the relationship, not opening negotiations. The moment you start to engage with her arguments about why you can’t or shouldn’t leave is the moment that you’re making things worse. At that point, it’s no longer a break-up, it’s a contract negotiation, and you’re going to have to fight even harder to make this break-up stick.

Repeat what you’d said: it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that the relationship has run its course and it’s time for you to go.

And then you leave. You may need to apply the Nuclear Option to make sure that things stick. I know that there’s the impulse to be friends afterwards. It’s a noble impulse. But while you may be friends in the future, you’re not going to be able to instantly make the transition from “lovers” to “friends”. There needs to be time, distance and perspective to let the healing happen and that’s not going to happen overnight. You’re both going to need time away to make that happen.

Now let’s talk about the elephant in the room: whether she’s likely going to actually commit suicide if you leave. I honestly have my doubts; it sounds like her actions last time were more in the “cry-for-help/attention” school of drama. This is going to sound unbelievably callous, but some people WILL use act of self-harm as a threat against their partner, including actually cutting themselves. It’s rare that those attempts are more than for show, but they can be terrifying for the person who’s witnessing them.

So while I don’t think she will ACTUALLY harm herself, it’s not an unreasonable fear to have, and it’s something you would be wise to take into account.

If you’re worried that she might hurt herself when you break up with her, then the best thing you can do is give someone a heads up. It may be that you call her family before you call her. Let them know that you’re about to break up with their daughter and that she may be in a fragile state. If you’re not in contact with her family, then alert her friends – even if it’s just over Facebook. Give them the same notice: you’re leaving her and she’s going to need people around her, especially since you’re worried about what she may do.

If she calls you and threatens to hurt herself and you have reason to believe that she’s serious? That’s when you bring out the big guns and actually call emergency services. This isn’t the sort of thing you can do on your own.

But at the end of the day: you’ve got to do what’s right for you. And it sounds to me like leaving is the best thing that you can do. For the both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a constant battle with my jerk-brain, and I was wondering if you could help.

I have a girlfriend, with whom I’m in a long distance relationship due to our respective work situations (we have over a 13 hour time zone difference). She loves me to death, and I love her to death. However, I cannot stop comparing myself to other guys.

I’m kind of a big guy, and I like doing manly things like lifting weights and shooting guns. She has an ex-boyfriend whom I’ve looked up on social media before, and he is bigger and stronger than I am, has a manlier job than mine, and she’s admitted that he has a bigger dick than I do. And I obsess over all of it.

My brain tells me I’m not good enough for her, and she sexually wants him more, and that she isn’t satisfied by me as a man. I guess my question for you is how do I get past that? Do you have any strategies for me to feel secure in myself, in her adoration for me, and stop projecting my own insecurities on her? Because that’s what I’m doing. She could love me til the end of the earth and back and I still would keep projecting these insecurities onto her, and not being satisfied in myself as a man.

In Competition

DEAR IN COMPETITION: Hoo boy.

There’s a lot to unpack here, IC, and most of it has to do with a lot of cultural bulls

t that you’ve absorbed over the years. Brace yourself, this ain’t gonna be fun.

You have two problems. The first is that you’re insecure. The second is that you’ve tried to compensate for those insecurities by painting over them instead of dealing with them head on. And you’ve done it by diving head-first into the ideas of what you think a man is “supposed” to be.

This is the question that keeps popping up all over the place – most notably in Fight Club – and it continually points to how fragile manhood can be. This constant dick-measuring contest (metaphorical and literal) just drives home the idea that if you don’t hit certain benchmarks, you’re not “a man”.  

Let’s start with the whole “I’m into manly things”. It’s not really relevant to your question. Why did you feel the need to include or qualify it in the first place? Because you’re dealing with insecurity, and insecurity is not “manly”, so there’s this knee-jerk impulse to reassure everyone involved (but mostly you) that you are, indeed a manly man who does manly things. It’s the emotional equivalent of painting over the cracks in a wall and pretending they don’t exist instead of filling them in. It’s a performance, a dance… a masquerade. But inside, you’re the same person you were and you still have those same insecurities.

And the problem with trying to compensate for those insecurities is that when you buy into the idea that those benchmarks are the only thing that define you or make you “attractive”, you’re going to run into people who are even more “manly” than you. There’s always going to be someone who’s taller, more muscular or has a bigger dick. So now their existence diminishes you; it takes away from your “manhood” and makes you lesser. And when you use those same benchmarks to compare yourself with someone in your girlfriend’s life? Well, now you’ve got a self-imposed emotional crisis on your hands. I mean, her ex has a bigger cock than you do! How are you supposed to compete with that?

By building yourself a bridge and getting the hell over it.

Let’s start by talking about attraction. Something that guys buy into is the idea that women are naturally hypergamous; that is, they’re always trying to date “up”. Therefore women will naturally be attracted to – and thus choose – someone who has more of X desired quality, whether said quality is money, looks, abs, social status or giant wang. The problem is that people don’t work like that.

Oh to be sure, there’s always someone, men and women both, who’s looking to trade up. Gold diggers are a thing, as are dudes looking for trophy wives… but in general practice, it’s complete and utter horses

t. Attraction isn’t something that can be measured on a spreadsheet, where if person X has more points than person Y, you go with person X. Attraction is a multi-dimensional axis; somebody may not be the hottest thing since World War III but he or she has other factors that make them appealing. And hands down, one of the things that controls attraction the most is how you make people feel. If people feel good in your presence, they’re going to prioritize their relationships with you. As one of my friends regularly puts it: she married her husband for the entertainment value and she is never bored.

A lot of the things you think make him more appealing to her are in your head. Case in point: penis size. Fun thing about penis size: it has very little to do with sexual pleasure. Take a quick gander at sex toys designed for women; unless they’re a novelty gag toy, they aren’t ginormous monstrosities that look like they’d never fit in a human being. They’re small-to-average sized and designed to stimulate the clitoris and g-spot. Even the largest toys, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, aren’t intended for penetration, they’re designed to provide direct, intense clitoral stimulation.

That is what gives women pleasure, not just the biggest, veiniest cock imaginable. Hell, past a certain size and you’re just poking at the cervix, which women will tell you ain’t fun. While there are women who’re size-queens, most women will tell you that they prefer a lover who understands things like foreplay, oral sex and manual stimulation than a Studly Goodnight with a 14″ monster jamming away like a fleshy jackhammer. That’s porn sex, not real sex and porn sex ain’t that fun.

And here’s the other thing to keep in mind about your girlfriend: yeah, there are folks, including folks she’s seen naked, who’re bigger and taller and stronger than you. Guess what though? She’s not with THEM. She’s chosen you, even though you apparently don’t have the same number of Man Points as her ex. Sometimes you have to tell your jerk brain to shut up and take yes for an answer.

What makes you a man? Acting like a grown-ass adult, not how tall you are or how much you bench. Quit worrying about your Man Points and focus on being you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am dating an Asian girl that has several close male friends, she says they are more like brothers. One of the male friends acted inappropriate at a party, after my girlfriend ate a plate of oysters, with everyone making jokes about oysters being an aphrodisiac, he grabbed her wrist, straightened out her arm, pulled up her sleeve to check her pulse, so he could see how horny she was. Then he repeated this act a second time later in the evening. I talked to my girlfriend about the incident and she said that what he did was wrong, but everyone in the group knows how he acts, so everyone is ok with it. I am not fully with the group, but I do know several of the people and when I discussed what happened they said it was wrong.

I don’t understand why she accepts what he did was wrong, but then tells me it is ok? Also, before we arrived at the party, she asked me to tone down my affection for her because it wasn’t proper for Asians to do things like kissing and holding hands in public, but her friend did much worse and she is saying it is ok because everyone knows how he is. Very confused. What’s going on?

Not Sure How To Respond

DEAR NOT SURE HOW TO RESPOND: Let’s start with the PDA. One of the things to keep in mind is that in a lot of Southeast Asian cultures, outward displays of affection are considered rude and make people uncomfortable. In Korea and Japan, for example, you won’t see couples being overly demonstrable in public; that’s seen as being something that you do when you’re alone. So that’s not all that unusual, especially if she comes from a very traditional or conservative family. Being touchy-feely amongst her friends and family could lead to her having to field a whole host of grief that she’d rather avoid.

But as to what’s going on with her friends at parties? That’s simple: her friends are ass

*es. They feel entitled to her body and to embarrassing her because they think it’s funny and she isn’t stopping them.

This is an issue of boundaries: specifically, she’s not enforcing hers. Unfortunately, this is something that a lot of women go through: putting up with their ass

*e “friends'” antics because “it’s just how they are”. Even in this day and age, women in general are socialized to be overly considerate of men, to not put up a fuss and to go along to get along because it’s “rude” to speak up and refuse. Mix this in with the social pressure of “well, it’s ok because they’re my friends and this is just how it’s always been,” and you have a (partial) explanation for why so many women put up with sh

ty, harassing behavior from people.

Unfortunately, there’s not much that YOU can do, directly. You can and should call out sh

ty behavior when it’s happening, especially when you know it makes your girlfriend uncomfortable.

You can also make it clear that you have her back and support her, especially if she decides she’s had enough and doesn’t want to put up with things. Sometimes part of the reason why people go along with behavior that hurts or humiliates them is because they feel like they’re the only person who objects and they won’t have any support if they speak up. If she knows you’re there to stand up with her, that might give her the courage to finally tell them to knock it the hell off.

However, it’s entirely likely that your girlfriend will protest and say that “it’s ok” even though she’s quietly dying inside and wants to dig a hole in the floor and pull it in after her. Again: this is the sort of whammy that society tends to put on women’s heads - that they’re not allowed to speak up in their own defense, even when they’re manhandled and mistreated by people who are supposedly their friends.

Unfortunately, at the core of things is how your girlfriend feels and wants to do. You can’t MAKE her do anything, whether it’s cut the assh

es out of her life or to start standing up for herself. You can support her and encourage her to enforce her boundaries. You can cheer her on and be her back-up when and if she does push back against the assh

es, because they’ll try to pressure her into giving in.

But ultimately, it’s her her decision as to how to respond to them. That can be frustrating, especially when you feel like the answer is plain and clear cut. It sucks, but at the end of the day, it’s her move to make… and only she can be the one to make it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)