(Doctor’s Note: today’s column involves frank talk about suicide attempts and self-harm)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I turn 25 in less than a month and I have never dated before. I intend to get stared in the near future. In high school I simply wasn’t ready, in college it basically got pushed to the bottom of my priorities list, and after college it took me couple of years to get my career in order and move out on my own.

When I start dating, I want to be able to present myself well enough that the woman I’m seeing won’t realize I’m inexperienced. I’m not saying I want to be dishonest about my past. I’ll be more than willing to reveal to her that I’m new to dating when the time is right. My goal is that when I do reveal this, she’ll be surprised to hear it since the dates went so well. Maybe that’s a lofty goal, but I want to do the best I can.

Is my goal realistic? What are some steps I can take in order to achieve it? What are some common rookie mistakes when it comes to dating and how can I avoid them?

Also, is there a good time for me to reveal to the woman I’m seeing that I’m new to dating? I’m assuming it wouldn’t be a good idea to bring it up on the first date, but maybe a few dates in? Or should I simply not bring it up unless she asks?

Thank you for all that you do.

Sincerely,

Late Bloomer Ready to Bloom

DEAR LATE BLOOMER READY TO BLOOM: Here’s what you need to do LBRB: you need to calm the hell down.

Seriously my dude. I get a letter like yours on pretty much a weekly basis, all full of first timers who’re terrified that women can smell the inexperience on them. Hell, you can go back to my column from Valentine’s Day and see a similar letter from Need An Instruction Manual.

No, seriously. Go back and read it.

But here’s the thing: women aren’t going to give a damn if this is your first date or your five hundredth. They’re not worried about finding a guy who’s two punches on his card away from a free relationship sandwich, they’re worried about finding someone they like.

That dude could be you, if you just slow your roll and quit worrying about trying to pad out your dating resume.

Now like I said: if you go back and re-read my advice to Need An Instruction Manual, you’ll get a lot of the “rules” - as it were - that you’re looking for. But let me give you the TL;DR version.

Here’s what you need to do to make your first date with someone (or your first date ever) incredible: have fun. Seriously. That’s it. Do something fun and offbeat. Other best practices include:

Making sure you’re on a date with HER, not your phone

Asking questions about her and her interests. Focus on getting to know her and connecting with her, not impressing her.

Not getting drunk because you need some liquid courage to calm your nerves.

And just chill. You don’t need to reveal that you haven’t dated much (or at all) and you don’t need to make a big deal out of it. If she asks, tell her what you told me: it wasn’t a priority when you were younger and after college you focused on your career. The only people who’ll make a fuss out of that? Are ass

*es. And you don’t need to spend your precious time on ass

*es.

You’ll be fine. Just do like Frankie says:

Relax.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I could really do with some help right now.

I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years now with a girl who has been a friend since I was in the 9th grade. It’s been 6 years since we’ve known each other.

Before I tell you the problem, I think I should tell you how our relationship came to be so you can understand better. In the 10th grade, both of us were in relationships, with different people. I broke up as I moved away, while and she had a breakup around the time that she was tested positive for hypothyroidism. The guy got scared and broke up with her. She was shattered.

And yet, I was just a friend but I stuck around for her, even though I was in a different city. Our friendship grew deeper thanks to this. Two years ago I finally realized I was falling for her. She felt the same maybe and our long distance relationship began. Yes, a LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. It was ok.. pretty stable. And the first time we met in our relationship was in January. I know it sounds crazy, but that is the truth. Since then, we’ve met a total of 5 times as of today.

Now, for the problem: She is a fantastic person, is pursuing medicine, the same as me, and very hardworking. I thought that she is the one I want to stay with forever, but now I realize that I am just not happy anymore with her. It’s just falling apart. I don’t feel anything like that warm fuzzy feeling called love. I just don’t. But I care for her. A lot.

She’s attempted suicide once before, and I’m afraid that she might harm herself if we DO break up. We had a massive fight once and she slit her wrist. Fortunately, the cut wasn’t deep enough. So she was safe.

I feel I have grown out of this relationship. And I want to look forward to other prospects in life and work towards my career. Please help.

Leaving Long Distance

DEAR LEAVING LONG DISTANCE: Look, LLD, I’m gonna level with you: every relationship is going to even out. You’re not going to have a permanent case of the warmfuzzies for someone, no matter how amazing they are. The early, warm and tingly phase of every relationship fades as the connection you have with them deepens and becomes something different - but no less meaningful - than just the butterflies-in-the-stomach sort of thing.

And to be perfectly honest, I suspect part of the reason it lasted as long as it did for you was that you were in a long-distance relationship and the time between in-person visits prolonged things.

Don’t get me wrong. This isn’t a judgement on you. The only reason you need to leave a relationship is that you want out. I just don’t want you going through your next string of relationships wondering why each seems to fall apart after the other.

Now, all that having been said: it’s probably for the best that you’re currently long distance with this girl because, frankly, it’s going to cut down on the immediate drama. The fact that she’s slit her writs in a show of drama before is… troubling. There is a certain personality-type – male or female – that will use threats of self-harm in order to get their way or maintain control of their partner. This is especially true if they suspect that their partner is going to leave them. They are, for all intents and purposes, putting you into a hostage situation, where if you leave, they’ll kill a hostage.

The twist is that THEY’RE the hostage.

Unfortunately, however, the only way to get out of that situation is basically to call their bluff. Otherwise, you have to ask yourself: how long you’re willing to stick around to keep them from hurting themselves? A month? A year? Five years? Are you going to have to spend the rest of your life with her for fear that she’ll pull the (metaphorical) trigger if you leave?

Don’t get me wrong. This doesn’t mean that you just up and dump them or leave them in a cruel and capricious fashion. You do owe her a certain amount of dignity and respect. This is why if you’re going to leave, you want to make the break up as quick and clean as possible. Once you’ve decided you want out, then the best thing you can do is end things immediately. Dragging it out is going to be like pulling off a bandage; it’s just going to prolong the agony, especially when your soon-to-be ex looks back on your time together and realizes that you’d been dying to leave.

So if you’re going to do it, do it soon. Call her up – normally I suggest that you do this face to face, but the LDR rules that out – and tell her straight up: you love her, you care for her, but you just can’t be her boyfriend any more. It’s nothing that she’s done, nothing that you’ve done; it’s just that your relationship’s reached its natural conclusion. You appreciate everything that you’ve gone through together, you’ll miss her and you won’t forget any of your time together… but that time’s come to an end and you have to move on.

She’s going to yell. Let her. She’s going to want to argue, to bargain, to demand explanations. Stand firm. You’re ending the relationship, not opening negotiations. The moment you start to engage with her arguments about why you can’t or shouldn’t leave is the moment that you’re making things worse. At that point, it’s no longer a break-up, it’s a contract negotiation, and you’re going to have to fight even harder to make this break-up stick.

Repeat what you’d said: it’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that the relationship has run its course and it’s time for you to go.

And then you leave. You may need to apply the Nuclear Option to make sure that things stick. I know that there’s the impulse to be friends afterwards. It’s a noble impulse. But while you may be friends in the future, you’re not going to be able to instantly make the transition from “lovers” to “friends”. There needs to be time, distance and perspective to let the healing happen and that’s not going to happen overnight. You’re both going to need time away to make that happen.

Now let’s talk about the elephant in the room: whether she’s likely going to actually commit suicide if you leave. I honestly have my doubts; it sounds like her actions last time were more in the “cry-for-help/attention” school of drama. This is going to sound unbelievably callous, but some people WILL use act of self-harm as a threat against their partner, including actually cutting themselves. It’s rare that those attempts are more than for show, but they can be terrifying for the person who’s witnessing them.

So while I don’t think she will ACTUALLY harm herself, it’s not an unreasonable fear to have, and it’s something you would be wise to take into account.

If you’re worried that she might hurt herself when you break up with her, then the best thing you can do is give someone a heads up. It may be that you call her family before you call her. Let them know that you’re about to break up with their daughter and that she may be in a fragile state. If you’re not in contact with her family, then alert her friends – even if it’s just over Facebook. Give them the same notice: you’re leaving her and she’s going to need people around her, especially since you’re worried about what she may do.

If she calls you and threatens to hurt herself and you have reason to believe that she’s serious? That’s when you bring out the big guns and actually call emergency services. This isn’t the sort of thing you can do on your own.

But at the end of the day: you’ve got to do what’s right for you. And it sounds to me like leaving is the best thing that you can do. For the both of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a constant battle with my jerk-brain, and I was wondering if you could help.

I have a girlfriend, with whom I’m in a long distance relationship due to our respective work situations (we have over a 13 hour time zone difference). She loves me to death, and I love her to death. However, I cannot stop comparing myself to other guys.

I’m kind of a big guy, and I like doing manly things like lifting weights and shooting guns. She has an ex-boyfriend whom I’ve looked up on social media before, and he is bigger and stronger than I am, has a manlier job than mine, and she’s admitted that he has a bigger dick than I do. And I obsess over all of it.

My brain tells me I’m not good enough for her, and she sexually wants him more, and that she isn’t satisfied by me as a man. I guess my question for you is how do I get past that? Do you have any strategies for me to feel secure in myself, in her adoration for me, and stop projecting my own insecurities on her? Because that’s what I’m doing. She could love me til the end of the earth and back and I still would keep projecting these insecurities onto her, and not being satisfied in myself as a man.

In Competition

DEAR IN COMPETITION: Hoo boy.

There’s a lot to unpack here, IC, and most of it has to do with a lot of cultural bulls

t that you’ve absorbed over the years. Brace yourself, this ain’t gonna be fun.

You have two problems. The first is that you’re insecure. The second is that you’ve tried to compensate for those insecurities by painting over them instead of dealing with them head on. And you’ve done it by diving head-first into the ideas of what you think a man is “supposed” to be.

This is the question that keeps popping up all over the place – most notably in Fight Club – and it continually points to how fragile manhood can be. This constant dick-measuring contest (metaphorical and literal) just drives home the idea that if you don’t hit certain benchmarks, you’re not “a man”.  

Let’s start with the whole “I’m into manly things”. It’s not really relevant to your question. Why did you feel the need to include or qualify it in the first place? Because you’re dealing with insecurity, and insecurity is not “manly”, so there’s this knee-jerk impulse to reassure everyone involved (but mostly you) that you are, indeed a manly man who does manly things. It’s the emotional equivalent of painting over the cracks in a wall and pretending they don’t exist instead of filling them in. It’s a performance, a dance… a masquerade. But inside, you’re the same person you were and you still have those same insecurities.

And the problem with trying to compensate for those insecurities is that when you buy into the idea that those benchmarks are the only thing that define you or make you “attractive”, you’re going to run into people who are even more “manly” than you. There’s always going to be someone who’s taller, more muscular or has a bigger dick. So now their existence diminishes you; it takes away from your “manhood” and makes you lesser. And when you use those same benchmarks to compare yourself with someone in your girlfriend’s life? Well, now you’ve got a self-imposed emotional crisis on your hands. I mean, her ex has a bigger cock than you do! How are you supposed to compete with that?

By building yourself a bridge and getting the hell over it.

Let’s start by talking about attraction. Something that guys buy into is the idea that women are naturally hypergamous; that is, they’re always trying to date “up”. Therefore women will naturally be attracted to – and thus choose – someone who has more of X desired quality, whether said quality is money, looks, abs, social status or giant wang. The problem is that people don’t work like that.

Oh to be sure, there’s always someone, men and women both, who’s looking to trade up. Gold diggers are a thing, as are dudes looking for trophy wives… but in general practice, it’s complete and utter horses

t. Attraction isn’t something that can be measured on a spreadsheet, where if person X has more points than person Y, you go with person X. Attraction is a multi-dimensional axis; somebody may not be the hottest thing since World War III but he or she has other factors that make them appealing. And hands down, one of the things that controls attraction the most is how you make people feel. If people feel good in your presence, they’re going to prioritize their relationships with you. As one of my friends regularly puts it: she married her husband for the entertainment value and she is never bored.

A lot of the things you think make him more appealing to her are in your head. Case in point: penis size. Fun thing about penis size: it has very little to do with sexual pleasure. Take a quick gander at sex toys designed for women; unless they’re a novelty gag toy, they aren’t ginormous monstrosities that look like they’d never fit in a human being. They’re small-to-average sized and designed to stimulate the clitoris and g-spot. Even the largest toys, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, aren’t intended for penetration, they’re designed to provide direct, intense clitoral stimulation.

That is what gives women pleasure, not just the biggest, veiniest cock imaginable. Hell, past a certain size and you’re just poking at the cervix, which women will tell you ain’t fun. While there are women who’re size-queens, most women will tell you that they prefer a lover who understands things like foreplay, oral sex and manual stimulation than a Studly Goodnight with a 14″ monster jamming away like a fleshy jackhammer. That’s porn sex, not real sex and porn sex ain’t that fun.

And here’s the other thing to keep in mind about your girlfriend: yeah, there are folks, including folks she’s seen naked, who’re bigger and taller and stronger than you. Guess what though? She’s not with THEM. She’s chosen you, even though you apparently don’t have the same number of Man Points as her ex. Sometimes you have to tell your jerk brain to shut up and take yes for an answer.

What makes you a man? Acting like a grown-ass adult, not how tall you are or how much you bench. Quit worrying about your Man Points and focus on being you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am dating an Asian girl that has several close male friends, she says they are more like brothers. One of the male friends acted inappropriate at a party, after my girlfriend ate a plate of oysters, with everyone making jokes about oysters being an aphrodisiac, he grabbed her wrist, straightened out her arm, pulled up her sleeve to check her pulse, so he could see how horny she was. Then he repeated this act a second time later in the evening. I talked to my girlfriend about the incident and she said that what he did was wrong, but everyone in the group knows how he acts, so everyone is ok with it. I am not fully with the group, but I do know several of the people and when I discussed what happened they said it was wrong.

I don’t understand why she accepts what he did was wrong, but then tells me it is ok? Also, before we arrived at the party, she asked me to tone down my affection for her because it wasn’t proper for Asians to do things like kissing and holding hands in public, but her friend did much worse and she is saying it is ok because everyone knows how he is. Very confused. What’s going on?

Not Sure How To Respond

DEAR NOT SURE HOW TO RESPOND: Let’s start with the PDA. One of the things to keep in mind is that in a lot of Southeast Asian cultures, outward displays of affection are considered rude and make people uncomfortable. In Korea and Japan, for example, you won’t see couples being overly demonstrable in public; that’s seen as being something that you do when you’re alone. So that’s not all that unusual, especially if she comes from a very traditional or conservative family. Being touchy-feely amongst her friends and family could lead to her having to field a whole host of grief that she’d rather avoid.

But as to what’s going on with her friends at parties? That’s simple: her friends are ass

*es. They feel entitled to her body and to embarrassing her because they think it’s funny and she isn’t stopping them.

This is an issue of boundaries: specifically, she’s not enforcing hers. Unfortunately, this is something that a lot of women go through: putting up with their ass

*e “friends'” antics because “it’s just how they are”. Even in this day and age, women in general are socialized to be overly considerate of men, to not put up a fuss and to go along to get along because it’s “rude” to speak up and refuse. Mix this in with the social pressure of “well, it’s ok because they’re my friends and this is just how it’s always been,” and you have a (partial) explanation for why so many women put up with sh

ty, harassing behavior from people.

Unfortunately, there’s not much that YOU can do, directly. You can and should call out sh

ty behavior when it’s happening, especially when you know it makes your girlfriend uncomfortable.

You can also make it clear that you have her back and support her, especially if she decides she’s had enough and doesn’t want to put up with things. Sometimes part of the reason why people go along with behavior that hurts or humiliates them is because they feel like they’re the only person who objects and they won’t have any support if they speak up. If she knows you’re there to stand up with her, that might give her the courage to finally tell them to knock it the hell off.

However, it’s entirely likely that your girlfriend will protest and say that “it’s ok” even though she’s quietly dying inside and wants to dig a hole in the floor and pull it in after her. Again: this is the sort of whammy that society tends to put on women’s heads - that they’re not allowed to speak up in their own defense, even when they’re manhandled and mistreated by people who are supposedly their friends.

Unfortunately, at the core of things is how your girlfriend feels and wants to do. You can’t MAKE her do anything, whether it’s cut the assh

es out of her life or to start standing up for herself. You can support her and encourage her to enforce her boundaries. You can cheer her on and be her back-up when and if she does push back against the assh

es, because they’ll try to pressure her into giving in.

But ultimately, it’s her her decision as to how to respond to them. That can be frustrating, especially when you feel like the answer is plain and clear cut. It sucks, but at the end of the day, it’s her move to make… and only she can be the one to make it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Unfortunately, I think I need to talk to my father about porn. I’d really rather not, but I think this might be a real problem.

I both live and work with my dad because I am a loser. My dad runs his own business and is well known for giving losers second chances. Our workforce consists mostly of people who stay on because there’s literally nowhere else they could get a job that would pay them as much as we do (not much but better than minimum wage) and my younger brother. My brother is great and probably could get a job anywhere doing anything, but he’s decided to stay on and take care of the family business. My family has been in this town and running this enterprise since the 1700’s. We’re old school, and that’s kind of the problem.

When I was a kid, the whole of what we call the Retail Office was covered in explicitly pornographic images taken from magazines and calendars and glued onto the walls in a kind of collage. There were also toys. One of my earliest memories is trying to explain a certain “nutcracker” to my not yet school aged brother. You can use your imagination. Anyway, my dad never cared if my brother or I saw this stuff. I don’t think it traumatized us any; it was just kind of weird. Most parents go through a lot of effort to try to hide that that sort of thing even exists from their kids. Eventually my mom persuaded him to move all that stuff where the customers wouldn’t see it. Trouble for me is, it’s now in the break room.

I’m asexual but I don’t hate porn. I don’t think people who use porn are bad people. I think girlfriends who demand that their boyfriends give it up are irrational. But I really hate looking at it. It makes me uncomfortable in a way I can’t even fully describe. I hate being in the break room. The worst is when I absolutely have to go in their to deliver paperwork or find an employee and someone wants to stop me so we can have a pleasant chat in front of the wall of boobs. I love that we run a business where our customers are mostly old family friends who come into the break room to hang out with us and that we’re super casual, but I hate talking to older men when there’s a wall of naked women behind me even though everyone pretty much knows about my orientation, or lack there of, and I don’t think they even think of me as being the same species as the women on the wall.

The other day a customer yelled at me to get a haircut and when I went up to chat with him about it he was quite abashed to discover that I was female. I’m tall, skinny, hairy, this sort of thing happens all the time. People have accepted my presence in the yard as a given and treat me more or less the same as all the male employees, which I appreciate. It’s also why I don’t want to cause a stink, especially when I’m the new girl and probably will continue to be for years to come.

I consider my discomfort with the wall of boobs to be a very minor issue but there are two other problems with it. The first is that we have a low level sex offender working for us. His M.O. is going to camp grounds and hiking trails, taking off all his clothes, waiting for unaccompanied women to show up and then streaking past them. He’s been caught and arrested numerous times (I think being arrested is part of his fetish, you’d have to make an effort to be caught in the places where he does this). He’s serving jail time on the weekends, which is apparently a thing you can do. I think he’s harmless but he stinks to high heaven and his hanging around the Admin office when I first started working there made me uncomfortable enough that I mentioned it to my brother. My brother had words with him and I haven’t seen the guy since. To be fair, I think he was hanging around to avoid work and not necessarily because of me, but he really really smells bad. My dad uses this guy as justification for why we need transphobic bathroom laws. What I wonder, is if my dad is so worried about this guy that he thinks he ought to be required to carry his birth certificate before being allowed to use the bathroom, why isn’t he worried about what kind of messages the wall of boobs might be sending him?

The other problem is that it’s embarrassingly unprofessional. This is the hard one. My brother and I have gotten into a lot of fights with my dad and the other employees about this because they’ve always made a point of being unprofessional, anti-corporate might be a better way of putting it. This is an old story around here, kids take over the family business and ruin it by trying to turn it into a copy of a giant mega chain store or something. I sympathize, I really do, but I also think life would be way easier for all of us if we had say paperwork for people to fill out when they want to take time off instead of our current system of employees just leaving whenever they want to and then arguing about it for weeks afterwards. This is the tightrope my brother is walking. He doesn’t have any actual authority but people know he’s going to inherit the business (because I don’t want it) and he’s in a really tricky situation. Everyone’s watching him but he can’t actually change anything. When I talked to him about our admin problems he told me the only thing we can do about it wait for my dad to die. Everyone knows the only reason I have my job is because my mom made my dad hire me. I’m not actually qualified (or good at it) and I don’t have grounds to try to change anything on my own.

It’s almost impossible to talk to my dad. Everyone I know is terrified of him. I can’t even explain why because he’s not a bad person but it’s not just family. Nobody at work ever wants to talk to him either. People come to me to get me to go tell my dad things. My mom thinks it’s because he’s unpredictable. You never know how he’ going to take anything and sometimes he flips out at you when you’re just trying to help. He doesn’t stay mad for very long, generally, but he’s got a way of yelling at a person that makes you feel small. I’ve been yelled at in the past. I’ve had fights with bosses and school administrators and my very formidable grandmother and nobody has ever made me feel as bad as my dad can make feel. I don’t understand it. My brother won’t even talk to him at all and they work in the same room all day. I don’t even dare mention that the wall of boobs makes me feel weird. I don’t even know how to start. I asked my mom about it but she says you have to pick your battles very carefully, at least the customers aren’t seeing this stuff any more.

This all came to a head yesterday when there was a postcard with a naked woman on it in the mail. I’m 90% sure it was an ad. I threw it out and my dad’s secretary flipped out at me, even though it’s an expected part of my job to sort the mail and I’ve been reprimanded for failing to recognize adverts and dispose of them in the past. She got it out of the trash and propped it up on the desk, where it’s stayed, sitting in between the photo of my brother with his first turkey and the portrait of me from senior year of high school. I’m not great at math to begin with and it’s especially hard when I have a pair of nipples staring at me. I am trying to work in a goddamn office. If the damned thing stays there I will snap and tear it up, damn the consequences.

Sincerely,

Not In My Office

DEAR NOT IN MY OFFICE: Alright, before I get into this, NIMO, let’s be clear. The problem isn’t the porn. The porn’s a symptom. The problem is your father and that’s what we need to address here. So, let’s get down to it, shall we?

First and foremost, NIMO: you’re not a loser. Not for living with your father, nor for working for the family business. There’s nothing wrong with either of those, especially at a time when the economy is still in shambles for anyone who’s not managing a hedge fund.

Secondly: you’re not unreasonable for feeling uncomfortable at work. Yeah, there’s an old-school-manly-men-doing-manly-things air to collages of boobs all over the break-room walls. It’s also, as you say, pretty damn unprofessional, even when it’s in an area where only employees go. And while you may be the only employee who has a problem with this, that doesn’t make your issue with it illegitimate. Just because you don’t feel like you’re in a position to complain doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to be uncomfortable or upset – both by the decor or by the way you’re treated.

Unfortunately, the harsh truth of the situation is that it does mean that there may well not be much that can be done about it. If everyone else is either cool with it or goes along to get along, there’s not really going to be much impetus to change outside of a legal challenge. It doesn’t sound to me like this is necessarily a route you want to take, but it is an option. But like I said: just because everyone else isn’t bothered by you doesn’t mean that you have to pretend it doesn’t bother you.

The problem is two-fold. The first is that your father is set in his ways and doesn’t want, nor sees the need to change – either his inefficient business practices or his wall o’ nudes. The second is that your father is his frankly abusive behavior. Those sudden outbursts of anger and rage are designed to keep people in line. Believe me, they’re not nearly as random or unpredictable as you may think. In fact, I’m willing to bet that they coincide with moments where he feels his authority has been challenged or questioned. After all, it’s not as though he’ll flip out when someone does something he wants, now is it?

So I would suggest you check out “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry, Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft for some insight into your father’s behavior as well as ways on handling not just him but his outbursts. This will help give you some much-needed tools for maintaining your sanity in your relationship with your father and how to handle him at work and at home.

With that being said, I think what you need to do is tell your father the same things you’ve told me. In fact, you could pretty much cut and paste major sections of this letter and present it to him. It might help to frame it as just getting this issue off your chest, even if you’re not expecting anything to change. There might be ways of reassigning you to have a more customer-facing role or a position within the company that doesn’t require you spending so much time at the office or in the break room. But even if there isn’t, registering your complaint is important. This way, at least, you’re on the record with how you feel, even if you’re not in a position to affect any material change while he’s still working there. It’s important to establish and your boundaries, in your personal and professional life.

It may also help for you and your brother to make your case together. This way, the two of you will be able to support one another when you go to talk to your father. Presenting a united front can help the two of you buttress the other in the face of your father’s temper tantrums as well as make your arguments more effective in general. Both you and your brother are set up to fail; any authority the two of you may have in your respective jobs is undercut by your father and the way he runs the company. Being willing to step up and present your case may not make a difference, but it could also be first step to making effective change. The right pebble in the right place can start an avalanche after all.

(If your brother really is being groomed to be heir-apparent at the company, he has his own issues with your father’s management style; being a figurehead this early on is a great way to make him effectively powerless when he does take over. King Tommen, anyone?)

But let’s be real: this is a pretty intolerable situation. So I need to ask: how long are you willing to put up with this? Let’s game this out a little. Are you willing to deal with this for the next six months? The next year? The next five years? The next ten years? Are you really willing to sit around and eat s

t over and over again until your father either retires or gets carried out of the office? I would suggest that you quietly start putting out feelers for other jobs and setting aside as much of each paycheck as you can afford as part of a “find your own place” fund. Finding a job and a living situation that doesn’t require putting up with, frankly, abusive behavior from your father will go a very long way towards saving your sanity and soul.

Good luck, NIMO. Let us know how it all goes.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if you could shoot me your two cents on how to help my situation. I’m a 15 year old who goes to an all boys catholic school on a scholarship and doesn’t get out much, as a) I can’t drive yet and b) only plays one fall sport unaffiliated with the school. I don’t use Snapchat or Instagram or any of that, and the last time I even saw a girl my age was about 3 months ago.

I understand that good looks and clothes have an impact on dating, but my family doesn’t have the money to buy nice clothes since I’d probably outgrow them in a year anyways. I’m the image of a nerd: skinny, and totally clueless in terms of females and social life. I recently tore my ACL playing hockey so my already low levels of social activity are in the crapper.

I have no idea what the hell to do about any of this and could really use some help, if you’ve got the time.

Stuck In The Middle Without You

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITHOUT YOU: OK, SITMWY, I’m gonna give you advice you’re probably not gonna like, but it’s the advice you need right now:

First of all: don’t refer to women as “females”. It’s dehumanizing in general and, at best, makes you sound like a Ferengi.

Second of all: don’t sweat the dating thing right now.

Yeah, I know: that probably sounds like the exact opposite of what you want. You’re surging with hormones, you’re getting boners from a stiff breeze and every cell in your body is screaming for action. I imagine your friends and classmates are all making a big production about who’s dating whom, which affiliated schools have the hottest girls, who’s gone how far, etc. There’s a ton of pressure to get on board and join the rest of your peers in the “gonna get some” train.

Here’s the thing though: dating in high-school? It’s kinda bulls

t. Pop culture loves to sell the idea that high-school is the most important time in your life and that you need to be all over finding yourself a girlfriend because it’s going to change your life, everybody needs to get laid before they graduate, etc. In reality: nobody has any clue what they’re doing. Everyone’s confused and scared and it’s one giant damn quagmire as everyone tries to sort out social rules that don’t resemble the real world so much as it does a 4 year stint in prison.

So what should you do instead? Quit worrying about dating and focus more on you. Right now, you’re in a position to do something most of your peers won’t: to invest in your future. You should spend less time worrying about getting laid now and more about setting yourself up for getting laid when you get to college. So how do you do that? By laying the groundwork for becoming the person you want to be.

Start building the habits that are going to serve you well for a lifetime. For example: you don’t need to worry about buying “nice” clothes, so much as understanding what looks good on you. If you focus on fit and versatility instead of price, you can find build an awesome wardrobe at Goodwill. Similarly, don’t sweat finding a girlfriend so much as making friends. Getting more accustomed to building your social circle and navigating other people’s is going to put you in an advantage in future years where networking is going to be even more important. It doesn’t seem like much now, but simply being comfortable talking to people – including women – is going to help far more than any amount of studying flirting theory.

You actually have a pretty good base to start from, SITMWY. As much as nerds love to dump on sports, team sports are good ways of developing yourself physically and emotionally. Building habits around healthy eating and exercise will get you in shape, keep you healthy and make you feel better. You don’t need to be a jock by any stretch of the imagination, but if you have a love of a sport, playing it is a great way of pursuing your passion. Those passions are going to be a big part of what makes you attractive to others. Cultivate your intellectual curiosity. Pursue some interests just because they seem cool to you and you have the time to indulge in them. Get involved with some clubs or meet-ups for teens and get used to meeting people who share your interests.

And over all: just relax. You’re 15. There’s a lot ahead of you and it will all come in time – from driving to girls to college to life in general. You’re barely even at the starting line. Those opportunities will come to you. And by putting in the work now, you’ll be in the perfect position to take advantage of them when they do arrive.

(And hey: if you want an additional head start, get yourself a copy of my book “New Game +: The Geek’s Guide To Love Sex and Dating”. You’ll be ready to hit the ground running when the time comes.)

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)