DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I find myself in an interesting position. I’ve just recently graduated from college, and in the morass that is post-school BS, I need some advice with regard to my (admittedly near-nonexistent) love life.

See, I have a friend – let’s call them Alpha – who I got reasonably close with in my last year of school, and we have a lot of the same interests (and issues) in common – we’re both tabletop nerds with heavily self-deprecating senses of humor, we both suffer from some pretty severe anxiety/stress/upwardly messed up brain chemical stuff, and we both have a love of political-heavy sci fi (we have a decently long-running inside joke about House Atreides).

In school, I acknowledged, “hey, they’re real attractive,” but any kind of feelings on my part were muted because A. They were in a very nice relationship with a really great guy and B. any kind of romance/sexual exploration was not on my list of things to solve in school, and my weight and self-esteem issues would have made dating in general unlikely anyway.

But things kind of changed on my part after a mutual friend (and my roommate for half of college) passed away during cancer, and Alpha and I interacted quite a bit and caught up in the aftermath. They and another friend who lives close by said they would be coming to my general area over their break, so we made plans to meet up.

The two showed up, and we had a lot of fun playing tourist in my hometown. I introduced them to my friends, among them a guy we shall call Bravo. Bravo is, shall we say, the flirty type, and so is Alpha; they hit it off pretty quick on that front, and while it didn’t really go anywhere in the end, it was the kick in the nuts that said to me “Oh crap, I’m really into Alpha. Like, a lot more than I thought.”

Things get even more complicated after the visit, when, afterwards, we start confiding in each other over text. This is my real problem; you’ve probably gotten the usual “don’t want to take The Leap and ruin the friendship” line a quadrillion times, but I think in this case it’s justified – we’ve low key become something of a shoulder to lean on for each other and a confidant, with them telling me they have an easy time talking to me and confiding. A lot of the stuff is a bit heavy, but while I’m not going to share any of it, I will say that I don’t think any of it could be considered “flirty.” It is, however, something that I really do value, and has helped my depressed ass on more than one occasion, and I like to think vice versa.

They also accepted my invitation to come hang out with me and my friends on New Years’ Eve, and when I was later in a bit of a self-loathing slump, they pointed out that they were literally blowing off their family to come see me and my friends on NYE, which kind of shocked me in hindsight.

I suppose the summary of my issue is – I’m crushing hard on a friend who I really want to keep as my friend, and whose support and affection means quite a bit to me. They’ve also had a lot of troubles at school, and have been burned before, so I don’t want to accidentally throw any further fuel on that fire and accidentally “Nice GuyTM” them or something, I just want to be there to help provide emotional support when needed. What’s a nerd to do?

Best,

Badly Conflicted Atreides

DEAR BADLY CONFLICTED ATREIDES: Here’s the thing about crushes, BCA: they’re kind of like fire. Some of them burn like a star and some of them are a low flame. Some burn out quickly and some will continue to burn like smoldering coals until something causes it to flare up again.

But regardless of the intensity or the duration, all crushes and attractions need fuel to keep it going. Part of what makes a crush – especially an awkward or inconvenient one – linger for so long is that you keep dumping fuel on them. Sometimes that fuel are the fantasies about dating them – ranging from grade-school behavior like constantly doodling their name to thinking about what it would be like to be in a relationship with them. Sometimes the fuel comes in reinforcement, doing things like constantly checking their Instagram or Facebook feed and looking for thirst traps or evidence that they’re single again. And, paradoxically, sometimes that fuel comes from trying to squeeze those feelings away or obsessing about how goddamn inconvenient it is to have a crush that you don’t really want.

The commonality between all these behaviors is that you’re focusing on the emotions and the feelings of the crush. You’re letting it set up space in your head, rent free. Even when you’re trying to force it away, all you’re doing is constantly reinforcing the idea of “I have feelings for this person.” And to make matters worse, we as a culture don’t really have any sort of narrative of “well, I feel this way but it’s no big deal.” Almost everything we hear about crushes and pants-feels for people are either “It’s awful and you have to repress them” or “yeah, you need to do something about this otherwise it will haunt you forever.”

But a feeling isn’t an obligation, any more than arousal is a mandate. Feelings are just feelings and you can choose to just let them be.

So here’s how you let that inconvenient crush go. First: stop obsessing. Part of what keeps it so at the forefront of your brain is that you worry about what this means. It doesn’t mean anything; it’s just a feeling. So… feel it. Let the sensations of it flow through you like a stream. Don’t try to dam it up, don’t try to divert it. Just… feel it. And as you feel it: note it and name it, like you were noting a plant or a particular scent on the wind. “Oh hey, looks like I’ve got a crush on Alpha. Ok. Anyway, back to what I was doing.” The simple act of noticing it, feeling it and accepting it makes it less of this monumental THING that looms large in your consciousness and more of just one more piece of sensory data. Giving it a name deprives it of its titanic importance. It gives you perspective and distance and allows you to shuffle it along without dwelling so much on it that it becomes distracting.

It’s like any sensation. Your brain has only so much bandwidth to process signals, so once it decides something hasn’t changed, you’ll quit feeling it in order to free up the space. Just as you eventually stop noticing a smell or the way your chair feels underneath your body, the feelings of that crush will simply just… not be as immediately noticeable until you devote more conscious attention to it.

And because you’re able to just notice this crush without losing your mind over it… you deprive it of fuel. You don’t feed the attraction with your attention and you don’t intensify it by trying to compress it and lock it away. You just let it burn itself out in its own time and at its own pace. That may be a couple weeks. That may be a couple months. But it will fade. In time, it’ll just be one more quirk of your friendship with Alpha, something that the two of you can laugh about years down the line.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My situation is pretty specific. I’m a high-schooler in my senior year, and have little experience with women. Not just in the dating sense, but socially, too. I rarely hang out with my female classmates out of my own initiative. This bothers me because, like you said a few times, it’s more important to simply be able to talk to them and gain experience that way in high school for the future. I would love to work on that, but there are a few obstacles, from what I can see.

One is that I’m just naturally quiet. My friends and family assure me I’m just a good listener, but I still feel weird and lost getting into someone’s speech, and then being suddenly hit off-guard with the “hey you seem quiet” or “what do you think” response. This is arguably my greatest fear, and I’m worried I come off as unattractive when it happens. Not to mention my normal way of speech is kinda slurred, and so often I’m asked to repeat myself, which feels weird, too.

The other obstacle is that I live in a country whose official language is not my native tongue (which is English). This makes group conversations in that language especially hard to follow and it usually results in me zoning out, standing at the edge of the group. More often than not, too, whenever someone in my peer group makes a comment or observation in their language, I can’t hear them at first, so I just pretend to understand and nod/smile. I do this instead of asking them to repeat themselves because I’m worried it’ll ruin the flow of conversation and make everything awkward.

Both of these factors just make me the quiet one among my peers, and I worry that if I do try to speak up a bit more, I’ll get ignored or told to shut up. I feel that’s correlated with my slurred speech as well. Basically it’s a bad combination of shyness, introversion and language problems.

So, I’m curious to see what advice you have for me.

Regards,

Silence Is Gold-Plated

DEAR SILENCE IS GOLD-PLATED: First of all, SGP: it kind of sounds like you may have a slight audio processing issue. Considering that you’re trying to translate people’s conversation from their language into English, this isn’t terribly surprising; even people who’re fluent in a language will have moments where they have to run whatever they just heard through the translation program in their heads. There’s nothing shameful about that; it’s just a sign that you’ve actually taken the time to learn a language other than your own. If you need a moment to process something or it helps for them to repeat it so you can understand, then by all means, ask. Let them know that you didn’t quite catch that part and could they say it again? That’s part of how you learn. It’s less embarrassing – and less of an imposition – to ask someone to repeat things than it is to completely miss something that might have been important.

Second: if you’re worried about slurring, you can practice your diction. There may be vocal coaches you can work with in your area who can help you, or you might find exercises on YouTube that can help you get used to speaking clearly. I’ve had friends who’ve essentially trained themselves out of certain speech impediments by practicing imitating Sir Ian McKellan doing famous Shakespeare monologues. And if nothing else, slowing down and making an effort to speak deliberately can help you be understood.

But most importantly: there’s nothing wrong with being quiet. One of the things I’m always telling people is that we live in a world filled with people who don’t listen, so much as wait for their turn to speak. We very rarely meet people who actually value our input and opinions. This means that in practice, talking about ourselves tends to bring more pleasure than food or money. Being the person who gives someone their full attention and wants to know what they have to say? That is an incredibly attractive trait in someone.

And being quiet, or slow to speak up doesn’t mean that you look weird or creepy. More often than not, it makes you look thoughtful. You aren’t just rushing in to fling words into the air like audible chaff; you’re taking time to think about what people had to say and what to say in response. That’s a rare trait in this day and age when people (myself included) tend to let their mouths run faster than their brains can keep up.

Plus: there’s always the Silent Bob factor. When you don’t say much, people pay way more attention when you do finally speak up.

So no, I don’t think your friends are going to tell you to shut up or ignore you if you speak up when you have a point. Your friends and peers are far more likely to give you the same consideration that you give them. The ones who do are just marking themselves off as assholes, and life is too short to give a damn about what assholes think.

Just don’t let other people run roughshod over you, just because you’re quiet. There’s a difference between being quiet and being a push-over.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was just reading and watching your videos about ghosted (https://nrdlv.co/2Gv1yyO) and you talk about pre-date dates. How do you ask them without sounding creepy? Like you already got the date wouldn’t you asking to see them in advance be a bit creepy? Also how do you make sure that a date is happening without annoying or nagging them constantly?

Pre-Date Jitters

DEAR PRE-DATE JITTERS: The way you suggest a pre-date without being creepy is that you make it something low-stakes and low-investment and with a definitive cut-off point. People are more likely to agree to meet up if you say “Hey, I’ve got an appointment/interview/client meeting/ what-have-you in your area at 3 today. It’s totally cool if you’re busy, but would you like to grab a cup of coffee/frozen yogurt beforehand?” This implies several things: first, this is (theoretically) coincidental. You’re not seeking them out, you’re in their general vicinity for reasons that have nothing to do with them. So if they say “no, thanks”, it’s not a big deal.

Second: if they do meet up with you and it’s weird or uncomfortable, they know it won’t take up very much of their time. Part of why some people will ghost is the fear that they’re going to be stuck on a date with someone they’re not into for hours and then have to deal with the awkwardness of trying to leave early. When they know it’s going to be 15 minutes at the most, it’s much easier to agree. And if things don’t work out, at the most, they’re out 15 minutes and the price of a cup of coffee, not an entire evening.

As for making sure a date is happening? Just confirm with them the day before. Shoot a quick text that says “Hey, I just wanted to make sure we’re still on for Saturday” or “Looking forward to seeing you!” and you’re good to go.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m really appreciating what you’re doing. Your books were quite helpful for me.

I have an issue with post ‘speed dating’ dating and I don’t know what the hell am I doing wrong.

But first things first: I’m a male in my late 20s, I’m rather handsome, maybe not really fit, but I’m working on it. My social circles are non-existent – I have a limited number of friends and many of them are nerds like me, so meeting new people at parties is impossible. (Most evenings I spend alone – reading, gaming etc)

So, I started going to speed dating events. When I have a match, I invite her for a date, usually coffee/beer followed by walk in a park. Usually I get positive feedback: “I think you’re cool”, “I had nice evening” etc., but there rarely is a second date. Also, even if conversations are really awesome, things seldom are sexual, or even flirty.

Am I being too nice? Are our topics too serious? We tend to talk about things like life and philosophy.

I’m confused how to build tension and attraction – how do you even propose a simple kiss? Do I lack courage? Am I playing things too safe? Or maybe I cannot properly read some signals? Or is a first date too early to propose such things?

Need An Instruction Manual

DEAR NEED AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL: I’m not terribly hot on speed dating as a general rule, NAIM. I don’t think it’s necessarily a great way to meet people that you’re compatible with and they’re often set up in a way that makes it harder to connect with people. That having been said, if they’re working for you, then hey go for it. You’re clearly making a good enough of an impression that you’re getting a series of first dates out of the mix. The problem is getting that second date. And there are two potential problems to work on.

The first is that you may not be meeting people you have chemistry with. One of the things that you aren’t going to hear from folks in the dating advice industry is that dating is something of a numbers game. There are people who you just aren’t going to be compatible with, no matter what you do. They’re often perfectly lovely people, but the two of you just won’t mesh on the levels for a sexual or romantic connection. And while you can do a certain amount of pre-vetting as you get to know people, the only way you can get around this is, well, to date.

The second issue is that your dates are pleasant. Nice, even. And that’s a problem.

I know, I know. “What’s wrong with pleasant dates?” Well… it’s that pleasant is, frankly, boring. They’re vaguely pleasing but not terribly exciting or memorable. They’re the dating equivalent of going to a movie and leaving thinking that you don’t feel like you wasted your money, but you’re going to forget all about it as soon as you drink a beer and only remember that you saw it months later when someone mentions that it exists. If you want a second date, you need more than just “pleasant”. You need to give them a reason to want to see you again.

Now you are doing some things right. Getting coffee is a decent start, especially if you can parlay it into another activity. But as a general rule, meeting for coffee is less of a date and more of a pre-date audition. You’re essentially doing your due diligence and seeing if there’s enough interest and compatibility to go on a real date. But in and of itself, they’re not always that great by themselves.

Going for a walk isn’t necessarily bad either. It’s low-investment, both in time and money and it’s active. But at the same time, it can have some drawbacks, especially with the way you’ve been conducting yourself.

But what you’re asking for is a a series of instructions or guidelines for a good first date. With that in mind, here are the Dr. NerdLove guidelines for making sure you have a memorable first date.

First: you want to prioritize fun. One of the most important factors that determines whether you’re going to get a second date with someone is how much they enjoyed themselves while on a date with you. We instinctively prioritize relationships with people whose presence make us feel good. This is what’s known as the Reward Theory of Attraction; the more we feel good with someone, the more time we want to spend with them. We want more of that dopamine hit that we feel when they’re around. So you want to plan dates, especially first dates that maximize the fun potential. There are a number of ways to do this, but the easiest is to plan more novel first dates. We’re novelty-seeking creatures, and everybody and their dog has done the “dinner and a movie” date. Very few people, however, have gone go-karting or take a sushi-making class or play competitive skee-ball. You can even do twists on walk-and-talk dates; you could go hunting for Pokémon, you could visit a farmer’s market or a crafts fair, or conduct a two-person scavenger hunt.  Ultimately, you want to not just stand out from the typical first dates but also to help them enjoy themselves in a way they may not with other people.

Second: active first dates beat sedentary ones. One of the quirks of human psychology is that we’re very bad at understanding why we feel the way we feel. Often as not, we feel the physical sensations of a situation and retroactively apply a reason for it. When our hearts are pounding, we’re breathing hard, our palms are sweaty and our mouths are dry, then we might be scared… or we might be aroused. It depends on the context; is there a tiger in the bush, or are we with someone who’s just stupidly hot? We tend to associate the feeling with the person we’re with, instead of the activity, so riding a roller coaster may make your heart pound, but you’ll feel like it’s because of your date.  The nice thing about this is that anything that excites your central nervous system and gets your heart pounding will excite the rest of you. So visiting a haunted house or an escape room might make a better first date than, say, meeting at a cocktail bar.

Third: don’t be afraid to be polarizing. One of the reasons why first dates fizzle is that the conversation is pleasant, but not terribly memorable. This is a mistake a lot of people make: they don’t want to risk talking about potentially divisive or polarizing topics, so they stick to “safe” ones. As a result, you end up having what I call the “Applebees” of conversations. That is, it’s like trying to decide where you want to go to dinner. You both have an idea of what you actually want, but you don’t want to be rude and insist on it, so you toss out options that you’re not crazy about but you think the other person might like. After a little back and forth, you end up settling on a place that you both can agree on – Applebee’s – even though neither of you really want to eat there. It’s just the easiest, least divisive option.

So it is with most first date conversations; you don’t really talk about the subjects that let you get to know the other person on a deep and meaningful level because you don’t want to risk being too polarizing. So you have very pleasant, if not terribly deep, conversations. You’re better to have conversations where you actually get to know people – their favorite vacations, what they would do if they had no fear of failure, even politics or religion – than you are to talk about growing up or their current job.

Fourth: you’re on a date, so act like it. Dates are, by definition, a romantic engagement; you are both there because you’re seeing if there’s enough interest to consider pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship. So while it’s understandable that you might be a little hesitant to flirt or otherwise express interest, not doing so is going to send the message that you’re not actually interested in your date. So while the date may be enjoyable, it ends up being something platonic; you’re essentially telling them that you only like them as a potential friend, rather than a lover.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to visibly drool over your date or make a pushy ass out of yourself – that’s a different great way to ensure that there’s no second date – but you do need to show that you’re into them. Compliments, flirting, even light physical contact – ranging from taking their hand to a gentle hand on the small of the back – are all ways of indicating your interest with someone.

Just keep in mind, these are best practices, not hard and fast rules. Some dates won’t lend themselves to one rule or another; not every date can be a heart-pumping extravaganza, for example. But as long as you keep these in mind as you go on dates, you’ll find that you’ll have far more success in the future.

Oh, and if it feels like there’s a spark between the two of you? Go for the kiss. And if you’re not sure… then just ask. “So, this feels like it might be time for a goodnight kiss, huh?” or even “I’d love to kiss you right now” are some great ways to make sure that your date wants to kiss you as much as you want to kiss them.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks for writing so many good articles, like your ones on chemistry. They’ve been really helpful to a guy like me.

Sometimes I have some extra time on the evenings and weekends. What can I do during that time to bring myself closer to getting a girlfriend?

Some things I’ve tried include reading dating advice sites (helpful, but I need more practice now) and going to coffee shops, bars, and other places to approach women in real life. This hasn’t worked for me just yet.

What do you think I should do?

Ready For The Next Step

DEAR READY FOR THE NEXT STEP: As much as I want you to keep reading through my archives – hey, pageviews are pageviews – you can only learn so much from books, sites and podcasts. There comes a point where rubber has to meet the road, and you have to put what you’ve learned into practice. What I would recommend you do now is spend time practicing socializing. Not just to get dates and meet women, but to just meet people in general. The more socially fluent and calibrated you become, the more at ease you become around people you’re interested in. The more at ease you are, the easier it is to connect with them on a romantic or sexual level.

Plus, the more you expand your social circle, the more opportunities you have to meet awesome people. So take that time you have and start getting social. Go to events just to hang out and meet folks and build up those social muscles of yours. You’ll be glad you did.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you because I feel like my situation with my boyfriend is somewhat unusual. I’ve been with him for several years, and over the course of our relationship, his breath has gone from occasionally stale to horrible. Like “the funk of 40,000 years” terrible.

I initially approached the problem the way most people do. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him so I would just gently offer him gum or mints from time to time. I then started saying things like, “You know I think you might have some food stuck in your teeth because I smell something a little off. Maybe you should just do a little flossing.” No matter what I said or suggested, he seemed unfazed.

Finally, I just came right out and said it, “I’m sorry. I don’t know if you perhaps have some sort of reflux issue or if you just need a teeth cleaning, but your breath is…. funky.” I suggested he see a dentist. He said he had a bad experience the last time he got his teeth cleaned (over 15 years ago!) and unless he develops pain, he’s not going back. I’ve set up cleaning appointments for him anyway, and of course he blows them off.

His breath has gotten so bad that I cringe when he talks to people because I’m afraid that they smell it too. In fact, my fears were recently realized when he and I had a big argument (about something unrelated to his breath) and when I was seeking the advice of my sister she interjected with the non sequitur, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be mean, but his breath is terrible. Like I have to hold my breath when he talks to me.” I was mortified.

The issue is now becoming a serious source of tension between me and him. If I ask him to go back and use some mouthwash after he brushes his teeth, he replies with a hostile, “Ugh, you and your sensitivity to smells. Get off my back.” I don’t want to micromanage him or treat him like a child, but unless I resort to rubbing Vicks Vapo-Rub under my nose, I don’t know how to get past this problem. It’s bad and I’m desperate for advice.

Stuck In The Bog of Eternal Stench

DEAR STUCK IN THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH: You know, SitBES, people underestimate how powerful scent is. Our sense of smell ties directly to our brain, and affects it in ways we never realize. Casinos and theme parks use sent to subtly manipulate our emotions – to get us excited, to get us calm or put us into more of an adventurous mood. Some scientists think that scent contains subtle indications of genetic compatibility. And of course, there’s the way that things like how we smell are often indicators of social awareness and physical health. So when somebody just doesn’t seem to give a damn about the fact that they smell like an open sewer… well, that’s going to send a very strong message to the people around them.

Your boyfriend seems to be in that camp. Hey, he can’t smell it so clearly it’s the problem for otherpeople. He’s just rocking with his sewage mouth, happy as a dumpster full of spoiled clams. But there are some potentially serious issues here. To start with, chronic halitosis can have a multitude of causes. It could be a sign of basic poor oral hygiene – which your boyfriend definitely has – but there can be other sources. Some forms of halitosis are signs of health problems, ranging from periodontal disease, stones in your tonsils, bacterial infections, gastric disorders or even cancer. The fact that he’s not addressing his breath in any meaningful way could very well lead to having bigger problems than having breath  like the aftermath of a GG Allin concert.

It’s a shame that he had a bad experience with his dentist way back in the day, but it’s going to be an even worse experience when the bones in his jaw start to rot away.

And then there’s the fact that it’s affecting his interpersonal relationships. It’d be one thing if it was a case of stale coffee breath or he smokes and he could pop an Altoid on occasion. But the fact that people literally can’t talk to him is going to handicap him in ways that he hasn’t even begun to consider. Sure, right now friends are grinning weakly and trying very hard to breathe through their skin when they talk to him. But that stink is going to affect his professional life too. How is he going to be able to coordinate with coworkers who can’t stand to be near him? What about when he has to talk to his boss? What about if his job requires him to talk with clients or customers? How many of them are going to be willing to do business with somebody whose breath smells the way Jabba The Hutt looks?

So here’s what you need to do, SitBES. You’ve tried subtle. You’ve tried polite. You’ve tried reasonable requests and doing the work for him. You have been following the Tao of Dalton. But like Dalton said: “Be nice… until it’s time to not be nice.”

Well it’s time to not be nice and apply some loving correction with The Chair Leg of Truth.

You need to tell your boyfriend, bluntly: “Your mouth smells like every corpse in the La Brea Tar Pits got up and s

t in it. Your breath is like the dump on a hot summer day and it’s absolutely disgusting. And I’m not the only person who thinks so.” Give him the run down of just how many people have told you how much his stank-ass mouth is bothering them. You don’t need to give names, but you sure as hell want to give numbers – especially if they’re people who’re in your life on a regular basis.

Now I will tell you now: he will push back hard. He will insist that you’re exaggerating and that you’re too sensitive to smells. He’ll tell you that nobody said anything to him. This is when you tell him “Yes, but they’re telling me, and I am telling you. And if you care about me at all, then the fact that your breath bothers me this badly should bother the hell out of you.” Feel free to run down some of the potential end results of his never dealing with his breath or taking care of his teeth while you’re at it. If he gets that there’s going to be greater consequences than “Oh well, I guess I’ll deal with green teeth” then maybe he’ll start to do more than look at the toothbrush.

And if this doesn’t penetrate his skull, then it’s time to draw a line in the sand. He sorts out his breath or the relationship changes. No more makeouts, no more sex, no more anything that involves you and his mouth because holy GOD the last thing you want is to have to hold your breath when you’re trying to get freaky.

I hate to suggest things like the Lysistrata Option but honestly, you’re being pushed into a corner here and things just aren’t getting better. And if the idea that his mouth doesn’t get to go anywhere near you isn’t enough to motivate him to clean up his act (and his mouth) then… well, you know which he cares more about: you or his principled stance against oral hygiene.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:I’m reaching out to you for the first time tonight to seek your advice in dealing with my truly horrid housemate.

First, some quick context. I live in an apartment complex that’s primarily targeted at college students, and as such my lease is an individual one. On the plus side, I’m not left holding the bag for an entire other room if somebody should suddenly move out. On the down side, I have absolutely no say in who I live with. In the two years and change that I’ve lived here, I’ve been very lucky. Most of my housemates respected my space as I respected theirs and treated me with the same courtesy I treated them. Then Mr. Entourage moved in. For the purposes of this letter, that’s what I’ll be calling him, since in taste, temperament and self-image he is essentially an Entourage box set brought to life by evil magic.

After an initial transition period where he came across as a nice enough, if rather bro-ish man, Mr. Entourage swiftly and progressively revealed himself to be a creepy, domineering bully. While I was happy to share my cooking tools and cutlery with him, I made them available under the assumption that he’d be courteous in using and caring for them. Instead, mugs, bowls and utensils disappear into his room for days at a time, miraculously reappearing dirty and heaped in the sink when I least expect it. I have never seen him wash dishes, and he only runs the dishwasher if I preload it. He resolutely ignores the trash and recycling, only taking the latter out if it’s actively overflowing. My job keeps me away from home for large chunks of the day, and its schedule is highly variable; I cannot be the only person to take care of the apartment, especially one that’s used as heavily as ours is.

More disturbingly than his general jerkery about housework, Mr. Entourage is an EXTREMELY heavy drinker, and his drinking fuels bursts of passive aggression and garden variety aggression that have scared me so much that I now carry Mace. I have come home and found six-packs in the recycling bin that were not in the fridge that morning. A selection of hard liquor bottles is on steady rotation on the kitchen bar. I’ve seen a full bottle of tequila emptied in under a week. As far as I know, he is not dating anyone, and the only friend who’s ever visited him here is his brother. My other, far more pleasant housemate, generally eats out. By process of elimination, Mr. Entourage has to be the one drinking all of that booze. And when he drinks, his worst self comes to the fore.

When he first moved in, Mr. Entourage asked me to stop using the laundry lines I had installed in our apartment’s main room to avoid power overages. He claimed that other people’s clothes made him so uncomfortable that he had to stay in his room and cancel his plans with his brother. As unusual as that sounded, I did not want to make the apartment unpleasant for him. Thus, for a time, I relied exclusively on my apartment’s dinosaur of a dryer. Sure enough, electricity overages soon flowed in. I spoke to Mr. Entourage about this, and while he was disbelieving (“my brother’s lived here for four years and he’s never had an overage!”) I thought we worked out an agreement that I’d use my lines quickly and discreetly, so that he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and I wouldn’t have to pay more for clean clothes. I was wrong.

Not long before Halloween last year, I had to do some laundry that, due to various fabrics, had to be air dried. So I hung them up at night, on the furthest part of the line furthest from Mr. Entourage’s door. When I woke up the next morning, I walked out into the common room to discover that Mr. Entourage had pulled down the line and thrown my clothes around the room. He left a message for me on the whiteboard I’d bought for the fridge, drawn over a doodle I had made of the infamous “Mister Police” Snowman. The message read “BECOME CONSIDERATE OTHER PPL LIVE HERE.” We did not speak for several days, and during the brief moments when we were in the same space, he glared.

It was at that point that I bought the Mace and reached out to my apartment complex’s management to notify them of the problems I had been having. They were not unsympathetic, but could not take action until he did something full-on criminal.

For a time, things seemed to thaw between us (this coincided with his drinking temporarily slowing, if not stopping). And then one night at 2:30 AM he gave me a lengthy, smug lecture about how I should really be more quiet when I have an early morning shift, because he doesn’t like being woken up and he tries to be nice to me.

Although the laundry incident was the most extreme thing Mr. Entourage has ever done, it’s part of a semi-regular pattern of his being incredibly aggressive to anyone and anything. I’ve heard him have screaming match phone calls that have lasted for upwards of 20 minutes, and even watching sports he feels the need to curse and berate the players loud enough for me to hear through a closed door.

Between the aggression, the contempt with which he has treated both me and my time and the occasional moments of creepiness (he suggested we get to know the women in the apartment across the hall “because they’re cute.” They’re 22 at most. He’s 33. When I went on a date, he asked if I “got a smooch” from the woman I was seeing) he’s made living at home actively stressful. His recent weeklong vacation was an unpleasant reminder of how dramatically his presence has affected me, and if anything has made his ongoing presence all the more crummy.

My lease isn’t up until July (and management is wicked when it comes to trying to leave early). He’s actively terrifying at worst and a mental and emotional drag at best. My home is not the safe, restorative place I need it to be because of him.

What do you recommend, either for taking care of myself or for pushing back against his more odious behaviors?

Thanks, 

Increasingly Boxed In

DEAR INCREASINGLY BOXED IN: Your living situation sounds like a nightmare IBI, and it really sucks that you’re having to deal with this. The fact that your building’s management is taking the same hands-off approach that YouTube and Twitter take is just the icing on this particular trash pile. The conduct of their tenants is as much their problem as it is yours. In a very real way, this is an abusive relationship; psychological abuse isn’t just restricted to romantic relationships. Friends, even roommates can be incredibly abusive, and that takes its toll on you – often because so many people discount it as abuse.

Now, if I were you, I’d make two plans. The first is finding ways of dealing with your roommate. Start with going over your rental agreement with a fine-toothed comb; I am more than willing to bet there are a number of clauses in there about community rules and what is considered a violation of your lease. It may also be worth researching your city and state’s tenant’s rights laws; these may give you some leverage if you decide that things are intolerable and you need to break your lease early.

Meanwhile, continue to register your complaints with management. If your roommate – who they assigned to you – is continuing to get drunk and belligerent, then that’s very much their problem. This is especially true if his behavior is severe enough that you feel like you have to tool up just to be in your own apartment. There are many lawyers that handle tenants rights on a sliding scale basis who might be able to help you draft up a suitably impressive letter to management that could provide them with sufficient motivation to deal with your situation. Phrases like “I may have to get my lawyer involved,” tend to make even awful landlords sit up and take notice.

And while they may not be willing to remove Mr. Entourage, they might be able to move you. If the rules of your apartment building involve your landlords assigning roommates, then you may be able to get them to let you move into a different apartment. Make it clear that if a vacancy comes up, you want to be given the chance to switch. That, at least, will get you away from Mr. Entourage.

The other thing that you need to do is find the ways to make your living situation as tolerable as possible until your lease is up. If you can crash with friends, then by all means, start making arrangements to do so. You may also want to consider moving your more important belongings to someplace more secure – whether it’s with a friend, or a storage locker – so that if things get bad enough, you can ditch your apartment without risking your possessions.

If you do be there at the same time as Mr. Entourage, find what ways you can to avoid or ignore him. Noise cancelling headphones or foam ear plugs are both options for when he has his screaming fits. Similarly, you need to start drawing some very firm lines about how much interaction you have with him. You may have to live together, but that doesn’t mean that you have to interact more than is strictly necessary. As awkward as it may be to say it this baldly, tell him “I don’t want to talk about this with you,” when he starts to get into your business. “Did you get a smooch?” “I don’t want to talk about this with you.” “Let’s go get to know those hot chicks.” “No.” “Be more considerate of my fear of hanging clothing” “Don’t touch my stuff.” Be polite, but be firm, be blunt and be distant. If you can keep things to pure necessities and nothing else, it may give you enough of a respite that you can white-knuckle your way through until July.

And if things are bad enough that you can’t stay any longer, start looking at just how much it’ll cost to break your lease anyway and compare it to how much it might cost to sublet from a friend. A couple months of extra rent may be a price you’re willing to pay to get the hell out of Dodge early – especially if two or three months rent is less than taking the hit to your credit report on top of whatever penalties you’d pay for breaking your lease.

It’s an awful situation, IBI, but it’s not completely hopeless. Stand your ground with your roommate until you can get things resolved with management. And if his behavior escalates or gets worse… well, that’s when you GTFO and have several pointed conversations with management about the nature of your living situation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)