DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m really appreciating what you’re doing. Your books were quite helpful for me.

I have an issue with post ‘speed dating’ dating and I don’t know what the hell am I doing wrong.

But first things first: I’m a male in my late 20s, I’m rather handsome, maybe not really fit, but I’m working on it. My social circles are non-existent – I have a limited number of friends and many of them are nerds like me, so meeting new people at parties is impossible. (Most evenings I spend alone – reading, gaming etc)

So, I started going to speed dating events. When I have a match, I invite her for a date, usually coffee/beer followed by walk in a park. Usually I get positive feedback: “I think you’re cool”, “I had nice evening” etc., but there rarely is a second date. Also, even if conversations are really awesome, things seldom are sexual, or even flirty.

Am I being too nice? Are our topics too serious? We tend to talk about things like life and philosophy.

I’m confused how to build tension and attraction – how do you even propose a simple kiss? Do I lack courage? Am I playing things too safe? Or maybe I cannot properly read some signals? Or is a first date too early to propose such things?

Need An Instruction Manual

DEAR NEED AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL: I’m not terribly hot on speed dating as a general rule, NAIM. I don’t think it’s necessarily a great way to meet people that you’re compatible with and they’re often set up in a way that makes it harder to connect with people. That having been said, if they’re working for you, then hey go for it. You’re clearly making a good enough of an impression that you’re getting a series of first dates out of the mix. The problem is getting that second date. And there are two potential problems to work on.

The first is that you may not be meeting people you have chemistry with. One of the things that you aren’t going to hear from folks in the dating advice industry is that dating is something of a numbers game. There are people who you just aren’t going to be compatible with, no matter what you do. They’re often perfectly lovely people, but the two of you just won’t mesh on the levels for a sexual or romantic connection. And while you can do a certain amount of pre-vetting as you get to know people, the only way you can get around this is, well, to date.

The second issue is that your dates are pleasant. Nice, even. And that’s a problem.

I know, I know. “What’s wrong with pleasant dates?” Well… it’s that pleasant is, frankly, boring. They’re vaguely pleasing but not terribly exciting or memorable. They’re the dating equivalent of going to a movie and leaving thinking that you don’t feel like you wasted your money, but you’re going to forget all about it as soon as you drink a beer and only remember that you saw it months later when someone mentions that it exists. If you want a second date, you need more than just “pleasant”. You need to give them a reason to want to see you again.

Now you are doing some things right. Getting coffee is a decent start, especially if you can parlay it into another activity. But as a general rule, meeting for coffee is less of a date and more of a pre-date audition. You’re essentially doing your due diligence and seeing if there’s enough interest and compatibility to go on a real date. But in and of itself, they’re not always that great by themselves.

Going for a walk isn’t necessarily bad either. It’s low-investment, both in time and money and it’s active. But at the same time, it can have some drawbacks, especially with the way you’ve been conducting yourself.

But what you’re asking for is a a series of instructions or guidelines for a good first date. With that in mind, here are the Dr. NerdLove guidelines for making sure you have a memorable first date.

First: you want to prioritize fun. One of the most important factors that determines whether you’re going to get a second date with someone is how much they enjoyed themselves while on a date with you. We instinctively prioritize relationships with people whose presence make us feel good. This is what’s known as the Reward Theory of Attraction; the more we feel good with someone, the more time we want to spend with them. We want more of that dopamine hit that we feel when they’re around. So you want to plan dates, especially first dates that maximize the fun potential. There are a number of ways to do this, but the easiest is to plan more novel first dates. We’re novelty-seeking creatures, and everybody and their dog has done the “dinner and a movie” date. Very few people, however, have gone go-karting or take a sushi-making class or play competitive skee-ball. You can even do twists on walk-and-talk dates; you could go hunting for Pokémon, you could visit a farmer’s market or a crafts fair, or conduct a two-person scavenger hunt.  Ultimately, you want to not just stand out from the typical first dates but also to help them enjoy themselves in a way they may not with other people.

Second: active first dates beat sedentary ones. One of the quirks of human psychology is that we’re very bad at understanding why we feel the way we feel. Often as not, we feel the physical sensations of a situation and retroactively apply a reason for it. When our hearts are pounding, we’re breathing hard, our palms are sweaty and our mouths are dry, then we might be scared… or we might be aroused. It depends on the context; is there a tiger in the bush, or are we with someone who’s just stupidly hot? We tend to associate the feeling with the person we’re with, instead of the activity, so riding a roller coaster may make your heart pound, but you’ll feel like it’s because of your date.  The nice thing about this is that anything that excites your central nervous system and gets your heart pounding will excite the rest of you. So visiting a haunted house or an escape room might make a better first date than, say, meeting at a cocktail bar.

Third: don’t be afraid to be polarizing. One of the reasons why first dates fizzle is that the conversation is pleasant, but not terribly memorable. This is a mistake a lot of people make: they don’t want to risk talking about potentially divisive or polarizing topics, so they stick to “safe” ones. As a result, you end up having what I call the “Applebees” of conversations. That is, it’s like trying to decide where you want to go to dinner. You both have an idea of what you actually want, but you don’t want to be rude and insist on it, so you toss out options that you’re not crazy about but you think the other person might like. After a little back and forth, you end up settling on a place that you both can agree on – Applebee’s – even though neither of you really want to eat there. It’s just the easiest, least divisive option.

So it is with most first date conversations; you don’t really talk about the subjects that let you get to know the other person on a deep and meaningful level because you don’t want to risk being too polarizing. So you have very pleasant, if not terribly deep, conversations. You’re better to have conversations where you actually get to know people – their favorite vacations, what they would do if they had no fear of failure, even politics or religion – than you are to talk about growing up or their current job.

Fourth: you’re on a date, so act like it. Dates are, by definition, a romantic engagement; you are both there because you’re seeing if there’s enough interest to consider pursuing a romantic or sexual relationship. So while it’s understandable that you might be a little hesitant to flirt or otherwise express interest, not doing so is going to send the message that you’re not actually interested in your date. So while the date may be enjoyable, it ends up being something platonic; you’re essentially telling them that you only like them as a potential friend, rather than a lover.

Now this doesn’t mean that you need to visibly drool over your date or make a pushy ass out of yourself – that’s a different great way to ensure that there’s no second date – but you do need to show that you’re into them. Compliments, flirting, even light physical contact – ranging from taking their hand to a gentle hand on the small of the back – are all ways of indicating your interest with someone.

Just keep in mind, these are best practices, not hard and fast rules. Some dates won’t lend themselves to one rule or another; not every date can be a heart-pumping extravaganza, for example. But as long as you keep these in mind as you go on dates, you’ll find that you’ll have far more success in the future.

Oh, and if it feels like there’s a spark between the two of you? Go for the kiss. And if you’re not sure… then just ask. “So, this feels like it might be time for a goodnight kiss, huh?” or even “I’d love to kiss you right now” are some great ways to make sure that your date wants to kiss you as much as you want to kiss them.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thanks for writing so many good articles, like your ones on chemistry. They’ve been really helpful to a guy like me.

Sometimes I have some extra time on the evenings and weekends. What can I do during that time to bring myself closer to getting a girlfriend?

Some things I’ve tried include reading dating advice sites (helpful, but I need more practice now) and going to coffee shops, bars, and other places to approach women in real life. This hasn’t worked for me just yet.

What do you think I should do?

Ready For The Next Step

DEAR READY FOR THE NEXT STEP: As much as I want you to keep reading through my archives – hey, pageviews are pageviews – you can only learn so much from books, sites and podcasts. There comes a point where rubber has to meet the road, and you have to put what you’ve learned into practice. What I would recommend you do now is spend time practicing socializing. Not just to get dates and meet women, but to just meet people in general. The more socially fluent and calibrated you become, the more at ease you become around people you’re interested in. The more at ease you are, the easier it is to connect with them on a romantic or sexual level.

Plus, the more you expand your social circle, the more opportunities you have to meet awesome people. So take that time you have and start getting social. Go to events just to hang out and meet folks and build up those social muscles of yours. You’ll be glad you did.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you because I feel like my situation with my boyfriend is somewhat unusual. I’ve been with him for several years, and over the course of our relationship, his breath has gone from occasionally stale to horrible. Like “the funk of 40,000 years” terrible.

I initially approached the problem the way most people do. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him so I would just gently offer him gum or mints from time to time. I then started saying things like, “You know I think you might have some food stuck in your teeth because I smell something a little off. Maybe you should just do a little flossing.” No matter what I said or suggested, he seemed unfazed.

Finally, I just came right out and said it, “I’m sorry. I don’t know if you perhaps have some sort of reflux issue or if you just need a teeth cleaning, but your breath is…. funky.” I suggested he see a dentist. He said he had a bad experience the last time he got his teeth cleaned (over 15 years ago!) and unless he develops pain, he’s not going back. I’ve set up cleaning appointments for him anyway, and of course he blows them off.

His breath has gotten so bad that I cringe when he talks to people because I’m afraid that they smell it too. In fact, my fears were recently realized when he and I had a big argument (about something unrelated to his breath) and when I was seeking the advice of my sister she interjected with the non sequitur, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be mean, but his breath is terrible. Like I have to hold my breath when he talks to me.” I was mortified.

The issue is now becoming a serious source of tension between me and him. If I ask him to go back and use some mouthwash after he brushes his teeth, he replies with a hostile, “Ugh, you and your sensitivity to smells. Get off my back.” I don’t want to micromanage him or treat him like a child, but unless I resort to rubbing Vicks Vapo-Rub under my nose, I don’t know how to get past this problem. It’s bad and I’m desperate for advice.

Stuck In The Bog of Eternal Stench

DEAR STUCK IN THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH: You know, SitBES, people underestimate how powerful scent is. Our sense of smell ties directly to our brain, and affects it in ways we never realize. Casinos and theme parks use sent to subtly manipulate our emotions – to get us excited, to get us calm or put us into more of an adventurous mood. Some scientists think that scent contains subtle indications of genetic compatibility. And of course, there’s the way that things like how we smell are often indicators of social awareness and physical health. So when somebody just doesn’t seem to give a damn about the fact that they smell like an open sewer… well, that’s going to send a very strong message to the people around them.

Your boyfriend seems to be in that camp. Hey, he can’t smell it so clearly it’s the problem for otherpeople. He’s just rocking with his sewage mouth, happy as a dumpster full of spoiled clams. But there are some potentially serious issues here. To start with, chronic halitosis can have a multitude of causes. It could be a sign of basic poor oral hygiene – which your boyfriend definitely has – but there can be other sources. Some forms of halitosis are signs of health problems, ranging from periodontal disease, stones in your tonsils, bacterial infections, gastric disorders or even cancer. The fact that he’s not addressing his breath in any meaningful way could very well lead to having bigger problems than having breath  like the aftermath of a GG Allin concert.

It’s a shame that he had a bad experience with his dentist way back in the day, but it’s going to be an even worse experience when the bones in his jaw start to rot away.

And then there’s the fact that it’s affecting his interpersonal relationships. It’d be one thing if it was a case of stale coffee breath or he smokes and he could pop an Altoid on occasion. But the fact that people literally can’t talk to him is going to handicap him in ways that he hasn’t even begun to consider. Sure, right now friends are grinning weakly and trying very hard to breathe through their skin when they talk to him. But that stink is going to affect his professional life too. How is he going to be able to coordinate with coworkers who can’t stand to be near him? What about when he has to talk to his boss? What about if his job requires him to talk with clients or customers? How many of them are going to be willing to do business with somebody whose breath smells the way Jabba The Hutt looks?

So here’s what you need to do, SitBES. You’ve tried subtle. You’ve tried polite. You’ve tried reasonable requests and doing the work for him. You have been following the Tao of Dalton. But like Dalton said: “Be nice… until it’s time to not be nice.”

Well it’s time to not be nice and apply some loving correction with The Chair Leg of Truth.

You need to tell your boyfriend, bluntly: “Your mouth smells like every corpse in the La Brea Tar Pits got up and s

t in it. Your breath is like the dump on a hot summer day and it’s absolutely disgusting. And I’m not the only person who thinks so.” Give him the run down of just how many people have told you how much his stank-ass mouth is bothering them. You don’t need to give names, but you sure as hell want to give numbers – especially if they’re people who’re in your life on a regular basis.

Now I will tell you now: he will push back hard. He will insist that you’re exaggerating and that you’re too sensitive to smells. He’ll tell you that nobody said anything to him. This is when you tell him “Yes, but they’re telling me, and I am telling you. And if you care about me at all, then the fact that your breath bothers me this badly should bother the hell out of you.” Feel free to run down some of the potential end results of his never dealing with his breath or taking care of his teeth while you’re at it. If he gets that there’s going to be greater consequences than “Oh well, I guess I’ll deal with green teeth” then maybe he’ll start to do more than look at the toothbrush.

And if this doesn’t penetrate his skull, then it’s time to draw a line in the sand. He sorts out his breath or the relationship changes. No more makeouts, no more sex, no more anything that involves you and his mouth because holy GOD the last thing you want is to have to hold your breath when you’re trying to get freaky.

I hate to suggest things like the Lysistrata Option but honestly, you’re being pushed into a corner here and things just aren’t getting better. And if the idea that his mouth doesn’t get to go anywhere near you isn’t enough to motivate him to clean up his act (and his mouth) then… well, you know which he cares more about: you or his principled stance against oral hygiene.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:I’m reaching out to you for the first time tonight to seek your advice in dealing with my truly horrid housemate.

First, some quick context. I live in an apartment complex that’s primarily targeted at college students, and as such my lease is an individual one. On the plus side, I’m not left holding the bag for an entire other room if somebody should suddenly move out. On the down side, I have absolutely no say in who I live with. In the two years and change that I’ve lived here, I’ve been very lucky. Most of my housemates respected my space as I respected theirs and treated me with the same courtesy I treated them. Then Mr. Entourage moved in. For the purposes of this letter, that’s what I’ll be calling him, since in taste, temperament and self-image he is essentially an Entourage box set brought to life by evil magic.

After an initial transition period where he came across as a nice enough, if rather bro-ish man, Mr. Entourage swiftly and progressively revealed himself to be a creepy, domineering bully. While I was happy to share my cooking tools and cutlery with him, I made them available under the assumption that he’d be courteous in using and caring for them. Instead, mugs, bowls and utensils disappear into his room for days at a time, miraculously reappearing dirty and heaped in the sink when I least expect it. I have never seen him wash dishes, and he only runs the dishwasher if I preload it. He resolutely ignores the trash and recycling, only taking the latter out if it’s actively overflowing. My job keeps me away from home for large chunks of the day, and its schedule is highly variable; I cannot be the only person to take care of the apartment, especially one that’s used as heavily as ours is.

More disturbingly than his general jerkery about housework, Mr. Entourage is an EXTREMELY heavy drinker, and his drinking fuels bursts of passive aggression and garden variety aggression that have scared me so much that I now carry Mace. I have come home and found six-packs in the recycling bin that were not in the fridge that morning. A selection of hard liquor bottles is on steady rotation on the kitchen bar. I’ve seen a full bottle of tequila emptied in under a week. As far as I know, he is not dating anyone, and the only friend who’s ever visited him here is his brother. My other, far more pleasant housemate, generally eats out. By process of elimination, Mr. Entourage has to be the one drinking all of that booze. And when he drinks, his worst self comes to the fore.

When he first moved in, Mr. Entourage asked me to stop using the laundry lines I had installed in our apartment’s main room to avoid power overages. He claimed that other people’s clothes made him so uncomfortable that he had to stay in his room and cancel his plans with his brother. As unusual as that sounded, I did not want to make the apartment unpleasant for him. Thus, for a time, I relied exclusively on my apartment’s dinosaur of a dryer. Sure enough, electricity overages soon flowed in. I spoke to Mr. Entourage about this, and while he was disbelieving (“my brother’s lived here for four years and he’s never had an overage!”) I thought we worked out an agreement that I’d use my lines quickly and discreetly, so that he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and I wouldn’t have to pay more for clean clothes. I was wrong.

Not long before Halloween last year, I had to do some laundry that, due to various fabrics, had to be air dried. So I hung them up at night, on the furthest part of the line furthest from Mr. Entourage’s door. When I woke up the next morning, I walked out into the common room to discover that Mr. Entourage had pulled down the line and thrown my clothes around the room. He left a message for me on the whiteboard I’d bought for the fridge, drawn over a doodle I had made of the infamous “Mister Police” Snowman. The message read “BECOME CONSIDERATE OTHER PPL LIVE HERE.” We did not speak for several days, and during the brief moments when we were in the same space, he glared.

It was at that point that I bought the Mace and reached out to my apartment complex’s management to notify them of the problems I had been having. They were not unsympathetic, but could not take action until he did something full-on criminal.

For a time, things seemed to thaw between us (this coincided with his drinking temporarily slowing, if not stopping). And then one night at 2:30 AM he gave me a lengthy, smug lecture about how I should really be more quiet when I have an early morning shift, because he doesn’t like being woken up and he tries to be nice to me.

Although the laundry incident was the most extreme thing Mr. Entourage has ever done, it’s part of a semi-regular pattern of his being incredibly aggressive to anyone and anything. I’ve heard him have screaming match phone calls that have lasted for upwards of 20 minutes, and even watching sports he feels the need to curse and berate the players loud enough for me to hear through a closed door.

Between the aggression, the contempt with which he has treated both me and my time and the occasional moments of creepiness (he suggested we get to know the women in the apartment across the hall “because they’re cute.” They’re 22 at most. He’s 33. When I went on a date, he asked if I “got a smooch” from the woman I was seeing) he’s made living at home actively stressful. His recent weeklong vacation was an unpleasant reminder of how dramatically his presence has affected me, and if anything has made his ongoing presence all the more crummy.

My lease isn’t up until July (and management is wicked when it comes to trying to leave early). He’s actively terrifying at worst and a mental and emotional drag at best. My home is not the safe, restorative place I need it to be because of him.

What do you recommend, either for taking care of myself or for pushing back against his more odious behaviors?

Thanks, 

Increasingly Boxed In

DEAR INCREASINGLY BOXED IN: Your living situation sounds like a nightmare IBI, and it really sucks that you’re having to deal with this. The fact that your building’s management is taking the same hands-off approach that YouTube and Twitter take is just the icing on this particular trash pile. The conduct of their tenants is as much their problem as it is yours. In a very real way, this is an abusive relationship; psychological abuse isn’t just restricted to romantic relationships. Friends, even roommates can be incredibly abusive, and that takes its toll on you – often because so many people discount it as abuse.

Now, if I were you, I’d make two plans. The first is finding ways of dealing with your roommate. Start with going over your rental agreement with a fine-toothed comb; I am more than willing to bet there are a number of clauses in there about community rules and what is considered a violation of your lease. It may also be worth researching your city and state’s tenant’s rights laws; these may give you some leverage if you decide that things are intolerable and you need to break your lease early.

Meanwhile, continue to register your complaints with management. If your roommate – who they assigned to you – is continuing to get drunk and belligerent, then that’s very much their problem. This is especially true if his behavior is severe enough that you feel like you have to tool up just to be in your own apartment. There are many lawyers that handle tenants rights on a sliding scale basis who might be able to help you draft up a suitably impressive letter to management that could provide them with sufficient motivation to deal with your situation. Phrases like “I may have to get my lawyer involved,” tend to make even awful landlords sit up and take notice.

And while they may not be willing to remove Mr. Entourage, they might be able to move you. If the rules of your apartment building involve your landlords assigning roommates, then you may be able to get them to let you move into a different apartment. Make it clear that if a vacancy comes up, you want to be given the chance to switch. That, at least, will get you away from Mr. Entourage.

The other thing that you need to do is find the ways to make your living situation as tolerable as possible until your lease is up. If you can crash with friends, then by all means, start making arrangements to do so. You may also want to consider moving your more important belongings to someplace more secure – whether it’s with a friend, or a storage locker – so that if things get bad enough, you can ditch your apartment without risking your possessions.

If you do be there at the same time as Mr. Entourage, find what ways you can to avoid or ignore him. Noise cancelling headphones or foam ear plugs are both options for when he has his screaming fits. Similarly, you need to start drawing some very firm lines about how much interaction you have with him. You may have to live together, but that doesn’t mean that you have to interact more than is strictly necessary. As awkward as it may be to say it this baldly, tell him “I don’t want to talk about this with you,” when he starts to get into your business. “Did you get a smooch?” “I don’t want to talk about this with you.” “Let’s go get to know those hot chicks.” “No.” “Be more considerate of my fear of hanging clothing” “Don’t touch my stuff.” Be polite, but be firm, be blunt and be distant. If you can keep things to pure necessities and nothing else, it may give you enough of a respite that you can white-knuckle your way through until July.

And if things are bad enough that you can’t stay any longer, start looking at just how much it’ll cost to break your lease anyway and compare it to how much it might cost to sublet from a friend. A couple months of extra rent may be a price you’re willing to pay to get the hell out of Dodge early – especially if two or three months rent is less than taking the hit to your credit report on top of whatever penalties you’d pay for breaking your lease.

It’s an awful situation, IBI, but it’s not completely hopeless. Stand your ground with your roommate until you can get things resolved with management. And if his behavior escalates or gets worse… well, that’s when you GTFO and have several pointed conversations with management about the nature of your living situation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: At some point next year, I plan on moving to a new city to start a graduate degree program. I’m cautiously optimistic about this, as it’ll give me a chance to create a new social network and meet more new people; however, as it stands right now, I’m lacking a social life.

I’m 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend, and I’ve also never really had a close, tightly-knit group of platonic friends; mostly acquaintances. Once I move and attempt to make closer friendships, I’ll inevitably have to admit to these people about how I’ve never really had any close friends. I know that you’ve explained that when admitting something about yourself that people may not like, such as being a virgin (which I also am), you don’t try to show that you’re embarrassed or shameful, but it’s easier said than done. Plus, people talk about their friends constantly, whether they’re old friends or current ones, and if don’t, it’ll stick out like a sore thumb. If I ever have to explain that I’ve never had much of a social life, how do I rationalize or explain it in the best possible way?

Furthermore, when attempting to build a new social circle, I’m uncertain about what ages of people (and gender, as well) to focus on meeting. I’ll be studying speech-language pathology, which is mostly girls. I know this’ll give me a great chance to practice talking to women, but I’m not certain as to how well I could relate to most of them, because I’ll be 28 when I start the program, meaning most of the girls will be much younger than me, and it won’t be as easy to relate to them, seeing as we’re in different stages in life. For the record, I want to mainly focus on building my social circle, and if a relationship develops from it, that’s great. Still, I want other friends as well outside of college. I know there are plenty of other ways to build my social circle, but it’s generally been hard for me to relate to many of my fellow millennials throughout my life. At the same time, though I always found it a little odd trying to make friends with those who are 10 or more years older than me, even though some of our interests may be more compatible. (I like a lot of older TV shows and movies, and particularly love 60s rock music that isn’t just The Beatles.) I’m sure you’ll say something like how I shouldn’t care if there winds up being a significant age difference or a significant amount of girls in my social circle, as long as there’s mutual compatibility, but how do I just stop questioning this, just go for it, and get out and meet new people without any of these thoughts creeping up in my mind?

One more thing: I’ll be where I am right now for about five or six more months before I move. I want to practice my social skills now so it’ll be easier to meet new people after I move, but since I won’t be here much longer, it’ll be hard to develop close friendships. With all of this in mind, what would be the best way to improve socially in my current locale?

Movin’ On Up

DEAR MOVIN’ ON UP: Hey, congratulations on a new start and your graduate program, MOU! It sounds like you’ve got an exciting time ahead of you.  Of course, at the same time it can be kind of intimidating to start over in a new place, so it’s understandable that you’re a little apprehensive. But I think your bigger problem here is that you are seriously overthinking things.

No, for real, You are SERIOUSLY overthinking things.

Let’s start with the fact that you haven’t had any close friends. This isn’t the deal-breaker or oddity that you seem to think it is. Lots of folks grow up in circumstances where they simply weren’t in a position to make strong connections with people. Sometimes it was a case of moving constantly, as with children of military families. Sometimes it was due to illnesses or mental health. Still other times it was due to social (or literal) isolation. And other times… well, some folks are just shy and never quite gel’d with people. And that’s fine. It’s not something that you need to apologize for, but it’s also not something that most people are going to notice or even care that much about.

If anyone notices and comments that you don’t talk much about childhood friends or whatnot – and odds are, they won’t – then all you have to say is “Yeah, I didn’t have many close friends growing up” and give a shrug. You can elaborate as necessary, but “I wasn’t a really social kid” will satisfy most people’s curiosity. Lots of people went through that and if they didn’t, they knew folks who did. So you can relax on that score; you’re not going to stand out nearly as much as you think you will.

Next, there’s the question of who to meet – what ages, what genders, etc. And the answer there is simple: “yes”. Should you meet men? Yes. Women? Yes. Non-binary folks? Yes. Folks your age? Yes. Older than you? Also yes. Younger than you? Still yes. You’re going for your post-graduate degree, MOU; you’re going to be surrounded by people of varying ages. Most grad programs tend to be a mix of people in their late 20s, early 30s and even folks in their 40s or 50s. Meeting a wide range of people over all is a good thing; it broadens your horizons, introduces you to people whose lived experiences will differ from yours and teach you a little about yourself in the process.

The fact that most of the people in your program will be women doesn’t mean you’re going to have a hard time relating to them because hey, women aren’t some alien species. Their experiences aren’t so foreign that you won’t be able to understand or relate to them. They put on their pants the same way you do: tying them to the bedposts and being dumped into them by a Rube-Goldberg device when the alarm goes off in the morning. The odds are that you’ll be able to talk about movies (hey, go see Into The Spider-Verse) or what you saw on Netflix just as easily as you would with guys. A lot of making new friends – or even just getting people to like you – is listening and relating.

But honestly, it sounds like you know how to meet folks and make new friends… you are just having a hard time bringing yourself to do it. In fact, it’s that “not being able to relate” issue that seems to be your biggest hang-up. And honestly… I think the problem is that you’re artificially limiting yourself in a lot of ways. It’s fine if you’re making friends who’re older than you – like I said, meeting a wide range of people is generally a good thing – but I wonder if you’re being too rigid in what you’re into. I mean, you say that you have a hard time relating to your fellow millennials, but are you willing to meet them half-way? You may not necessarily like some of the same shows or same music, but have you been willing to say “hey, I’ve usually been into older shows/music/movies/whatever – what would you recommend I check out?” Trust me: there’re many folks who live for introducing new people to their favorites.

(Unless their favorite is The Big Bang Theory. Those people are wrong and should be shunned.)

But more than anything else, you need to develop a case of “f

k-its”. That’s where you stop trying to second-guess yourself or making basing your life about what you think people are going to say or do and just say “f

k it”. Are you friends with too many women? Enh, f

k it. Is it weird that you’re more into the swinging sounds of the 60s than top-40 radio? Enh, f

k it. The ethos of “f

k it” is to quit trying to control everything, to quit trying to min-max your social stats and to quit trying to conform to some arbitrary idea of what your social life should be. It’s to just live in the moment and take each opportunity as it comes, without analyzing it to death or trying to critical-path your way to some imaginary Best Ending. Sometimes you need to just look at the various worries and anxieties and say “you know what? F

k it, I’m doing this” and dive in.

And if you want to be ready to hit the ground running when you get to your new city? Then by all means, start now. Start cultivating a curiosity about people. Make small-talk with folks when you have the chance. You’re sitting at the counter at a restaurant? Ask your server how their day is going. You’re standing in line at Starbucks? Make an observation about the situation and see about getting a conversation started. Go to Meet Up events for things that interest you and talk with the people there. Get in the habit of talking to people and being interested in what they have to say. The more you make this part of your life now, the easier it will be to adapt it to your new life in your new home.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Internet dating is a world of many many fish in the sea. Very quickly I find myself dating lots of women at once (I know, no sympathy for me!). What I’m not sure about is how to go from there forwards. Because the thing about those first few months of romance is that physical attraction makes our brains crazy. All the red flags just look like flags, as Bojack says. Do I date several women for several months each until the thrill wears off and then evaluate, or do I try to be pickier at the beginning? Or am I discovering I’m just naturally someone who likes lots of relationships, and might be non-monogamous?

Too Many Choices

DEAR TOO MANY CHOICES: It sounds like you’ve only just started dating, TMC, because that honeymoon phase of the relationship doesn’t make you stupid. It just means that you’re caught up in the thrill of the new. The fact that something’s new and exciting doesn’t mean that all of your blood has pooled in your pants and didn’t leave enough for your brain. It just means that things are bathed in the warm light of “I just got laid a LOT” and sometimes you’re willing to overlook things that don’t reach a certain threshold.

Now that doesn’t mean people haven’t made stupid decisions because of what the non-monogamists call New Relationship Energy. But it certainly doesn’t mean that your picker is broken for the first six months.

But before you get to that, one thing you may need to do is sort out your dating patterns.

See, everyone’s got their patterns when it comes to dating. Some are serial monogamists, who tend to zero in on one person at a time. Some people like to play the field, casually dating a few people without expectation of seriousness or commitment. Some people will go on a couple of dates with different people as they look for compatibility and relationship potential while others just want some no-strings-attached hook-ups. And yeah, there’re folks who are non-monogamous or who have lots of love to give and can handle multiple emotional commitments at once.

And – this is something folks often don’t realize – many times, folks will bounce through several different patterns. Sometimes it’s a case of being the kid in a candy store; you’re overwhelmed by the options so you want to try them all, before you realize that maybe you’re more of a one-at-a-time guy. Other times it could be that you just got out of a relationship and the idea of committing to anyone gives you the screaming ab-dabs. Or you may have only just realized that you have options and you want to explore that side of yourself for a while.

Here’s the other thing that happens: some folks get overwhelmed and won’t settle down because they have a bad case of FOMO. Yeah, the person they’re dating is great… but what if there’s someone even better?  They get worried that they haven’t made the PERFECT choice and so they’re always on the look-out for the possibility that there may be another, better option on the horizon.

Now based on what you’ve said… you sound a little like right now, you like being the guy who has the chance to date lots of women. And hey, as long as everyone involved understands that’s what this is, then more power to you! But one thing you’ll discover pretty quickly is that while you may be down for dating many people at once, a lot of folks are cool only cool with that at first. As you get to know one another and the relationship progresses, they’re going to want to know if this is a relationship with a future, or if you’re still in your “try everything once” phase. And so the question of “Wait and see who I’m most suited for” may get answered for you by women who aren’t willing to wait while you compare them against other choices.

So here’s what I think: I think you need to figure out what you want. This may mean having a series of short-term relationships. And you know what? There’s a lot of value in STRs. We tend to treat relationships as failures if they aren’t multi-decade epics that end when someone dies, but short term relationships definitely have their place too. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just short stories.

Some are just dirty limericks.

So take some time and figure out what you want, not what you think you’re supposed to want. And trust me: what you’re “supposed” to want can be “BANG ALL THE THINGS” just as easily as “find a nice girl, settle down, get married, have 2.5 kids and a house in the suburbs”. The more you get to know yourself and what you want, the more you’ll figure out the dating pattern that works best for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)