DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you because I feel like my situation with my boyfriend is somewhat unusual. I’ve been with him for several years, and over the course of our relationship, his breath has gone from occasionally stale to horrible. Like “the funk of 40,000 years” terrible.

I initially approached the problem the way most people do. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or embarrass him so I would just gently offer him gum or mints from time to time. I then started saying things like, “You know I think you might have some food stuck in your teeth because I smell something a little off. Maybe you should just do a little flossing.” No matter what I said or suggested, he seemed unfazed.

Finally, I just came right out and said it, “I’m sorry. I don’t know if you perhaps have some sort of reflux issue or if you just need a teeth cleaning, but your breath is…. funky.” I suggested he see a dentist. He said he had a bad experience the last time he got his teeth cleaned (over 15 years ago!) and unless he develops pain, he’s not going back. I’ve set up cleaning appointments for him anyway, and of course he blows them off.

His breath has gotten so bad that I cringe when he talks to people because I’m afraid that they smell it too. In fact, my fears were recently realized when he and I had a big argument (about something unrelated to his breath) and when I was seeking the advice of my sister she interjected with the non sequitur, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to be mean, but his breath is terrible. Like I have to hold my breath when he talks to me.” I was mortified.

The issue is now becoming a serious source of tension between me and him. If I ask him to go back and use some mouthwash after he brushes his teeth, he replies with a hostile, “Ugh, you and your sensitivity to smells. Get off my back.” I don’t want to micromanage him or treat him like a child, but unless I resort to rubbing Vicks Vapo-Rub under my nose, I don’t know how to get past this problem. It’s bad and I’m desperate for advice.

Stuck In The Bog of Eternal Stench

DEAR STUCK IN THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH: You know, SitBES, people underestimate how powerful scent is. Our sense of smell ties directly to our brain, and affects it in ways we never realize. Casinos and theme parks use sent to subtly manipulate our emotions – to get us excited, to get us calm or put us into more of an adventurous mood. Some scientists think that scent contains subtle indications of genetic compatibility. And of course, there’s the way that things like how we smell are often indicators of social awareness and physical health. So when somebody just doesn’t seem to give a damn about the fact that they smell like an open sewer… well, that’s going to send a very strong message to the people around them.

Your boyfriend seems to be in that camp. Hey, he can’t smell it so clearly it’s the problem for otherpeople. He’s just rocking with his sewage mouth, happy as a dumpster full of spoiled clams. But there are some potentially serious issues here. To start with, chronic halitosis can have a multitude of causes. It could be a sign of basic poor oral hygiene – which your boyfriend definitely has – but there can be other sources. Some forms of halitosis are signs of health problems, ranging from periodontal disease, stones in your tonsils, bacterial infections, gastric disorders or even cancer. The fact that he’s not addressing his breath in any meaningful way could very well lead to having bigger problems than having breath  like the aftermath of a GG Allin concert.

It’s a shame that he had a bad experience with his dentist way back in the day, but it’s going to be an even worse experience when the bones in his jaw start to rot away.

And then there’s the fact that it’s affecting his interpersonal relationships. It’d be one thing if it was a case of stale coffee breath or he smokes and he could pop an Altoid on occasion. But the fact that people literally can’t talk to him is going to handicap him in ways that he hasn’t even begun to consider. Sure, right now friends are grinning weakly and trying very hard to breathe through their skin when they talk to him. But that stink is going to affect his professional life too. How is he going to be able to coordinate with coworkers who can’t stand to be near him? What about when he has to talk to his boss? What about if his job requires him to talk with clients or customers? How many of them are going to be willing to do business with somebody whose breath smells the way Jabba The Hutt looks?

So here’s what you need to do, SitBES. You’ve tried subtle. You’ve tried polite. You’ve tried reasonable requests and doing the work for him. You have been following the Tao of Dalton. But like Dalton said: “Be nice… until it’s time to not be nice.”

Well it’s time to not be nice and apply some loving correction with The Chair Leg of Truth.

You need to tell your boyfriend, bluntly: “Your mouth smells like every corpse in the La Brea Tar Pits got up and s

t in it. Your breath is like the dump on a hot summer day and it’s absolutely disgusting. And I’m not the only person who thinks so.” Give him the run down of just how many people have told you how much his stank-ass mouth is bothering them. You don’t need to give names, but you sure as hell want to give numbers – especially if they’re people who’re in your life on a regular basis.

Now I will tell you now: he will push back hard. He will insist that you’re exaggerating and that you’re too sensitive to smells. He’ll tell you that nobody said anything to him. This is when you tell him “Yes, but they’re telling me, and I am telling you. And if you care about me at all, then the fact that your breath bothers me this badly should bother the hell out of you.” Feel free to run down some of the potential end results of his never dealing with his breath or taking care of his teeth while you’re at it. If he gets that there’s going to be greater consequences than “Oh well, I guess I’ll deal with green teeth” then maybe he’ll start to do more than look at the toothbrush.

And if this doesn’t penetrate his skull, then it’s time to draw a line in the sand. He sorts out his breath or the relationship changes. No more makeouts, no more sex, no more anything that involves you and his mouth because holy GOD the last thing you want is to have to hold your breath when you’re trying to get freaky.

I hate to suggest things like the Lysistrata Option but honestly, you’re being pushed into a corner here and things just aren’t getting better. And if the idea that his mouth doesn’t get to go anywhere near you isn’t enough to motivate him to clean up his act (and his mouth) then… well, you know which he cares more about: you or his principled stance against oral hygiene.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:I’m reaching out to you for the first time tonight to seek your advice in dealing with my truly horrid housemate.

First, some quick context. I live in an apartment complex that’s primarily targeted at college students, and as such my lease is an individual one. On the plus side, I’m not left holding the bag for an entire other room if somebody should suddenly move out. On the down side, I have absolutely no say in who I live with. In the two years and change that I’ve lived here, I’ve been very lucky. Most of my housemates respected my space as I respected theirs and treated me with the same courtesy I treated them. Then Mr. Entourage moved in. For the purposes of this letter, that’s what I’ll be calling him, since in taste, temperament and self-image he is essentially an Entourage box set brought to life by evil magic.

After an initial transition period where he came across as a nice enough, if rather bro-ish man, Mr. Entourage swiftly and progressively revealed himself to be a creepy, domineering bully. While I was happy to share my cooking tools and cutlery with him, I made them available under the assumption that he’d be courteous in using and caring for them. Instead, mugs, bowls and utensils disappear into his room for days at a time, miraculously reappearing dirty and heaped in the sink when I least expect it. I have never seen him wash dishes, and he only runs the dishwasher if I preload it. He resolutely ignores the trash and recycling, only taking the latter out if it’s actively overflowing. My job keeps me away from home for large chunks of the day, and its schedule is highly variable; I cannot be the only person to take care of the apartment, especially one that’s used as heavily as ours is.

More disturbingly than his general jerkery about housework, Mr. Entourage is an EXTREMELY heavy drinker, and his drinking fuels bursts of passive aggression and garden variety aggression that have scared me so much that I now carry Mace. I have come home and found six-packs in the recycling bin that were not in the fridge that morning. A selection of hard liquor bottles is on steady rotation on the kitchen bar. I’ve seen a full bottle of tequila emptied in under a week. As far as I know, he is not dating anyone, and the only friend who’s ever visited him here is his brother. My other, far more pleasant housemate, generally eats out. By process of elimination, Mr. Entourage has to be the one drinking all of that booze. And when he drinks, his worst self comes to the fore.

When he first moved in, Mr. Entourage asked me to stop using the laundry lines I had installed in our apartment’s main room to avoid power overages. He claimed that other people’s clothes made him so uncomfortable that he had to stay in his room and cancel his plans with his brother. As unusual as that sounded, I did not want to make the apartment unpleasant for him. Thus, for a time, I relied exclusively on my apartment’s dinosaur of a dryer. Sure enough, electricity overages soon flowed in. I spoke to Mr. Entourage about this, and while he was disbelieving (“my brother’s lived here for four years and he’s never had an overage!”) I thought we worked out an agreement that I’d use my lines quickly and discreetly, so that he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable and I wouldn’t have to pay more for clean clothes. I was wrong.

Not long before Halloween last year, I had to do some laundry that, due to various fabrics, had to be air dried. So I hung them up at night, on the furthest part of the line furthest from Mr. Entourage’s door. When I woke up the next morning, I walked out into the common room to discover that Mr. Entourage had pulled down the line and thrown my clothes around the room. He left a message for me on the whiteboard I’d bought for the fridge, drawn over a doodle I had made of the infamous “Mister Police” Snowman. The message read “BECOME CONSIDERATE OTHER PPL LIVE HERE.” We did not speak for several days, and during the brief moments when we were in the same space, he glared.

It was at that point that I bought the Mace and reached out to my apartment complex’s management to notify them of the problems I had been having. They were not unsympathetic, but could not take action until he did something full-on criminal.

For a time, things seemed to thaw between us (this coincided with his drinking temporarily slowing, if not stopping). And then one night at 2:30 AM he gave me a lengthy, smug lecture about how I should really be more quiet when I have an early morning shift, because he doesn’t like being woken up and he tries to be nice to me.

Although the laundry incident was the most extreme thing Mr. Entourage has ever done, it’s part of a semi-regular pattern of his being incredibly aggressive to anyone and anything. I’ve heard him have screaming match phone calls that have lasted for upwards of 20 minutes, and even watching sports he feels the need to curse and berate the players loud enough for me to hear through a closed door.

Between the aggression, the contempt with which he has treated both me and my time and the occasional moments of creepiness (he suggested we get to know the women in the apartment across the hall “because they’re cute.” They’re 22 at most. He’s 33. When I went on a date, he asked if I “got a smooch” from the woman I was seeing) he’s made living at home actively stressful. His recent weeklong vacation was an unpleasant reminder of how dramatically his presence has affected me, and if anything has made his ongoing presence all the more crummy.

My lease isn’t up until July (and management is wicked when it comes to trying to leave early). He’s actively terrifying at worst and a mental and emotional drag at best. My home is not the safe, restorative place I need it to be because of him.

What do you recommend, either for taking care of myself or for pushing back against his more odious behaviors?

Thanks, 

Increasingly Boxed In

DEAR INCREASINGLY BOXED IN: Your living situation sounds like a nightmare IBI, and it really sucks that you’re having to deal with this. The fact that your building’s management is taking the same hands-off approach that YouTube and Twitter take is just the icing on this particular trash pile. The conduct of their tenants is as much their problem as it is yours. In a very real way, this is an abusive relationship; psychological abuse isn’t just restricted to romantic relationships. Friends, even roommates can be incredibly abusive, and that takes its toll on you – often because so many people discount it as abuse.

Now, if I were you, I’d make two plans. The first is finding ways of dealing with your roommate. Start with going over your rental agreement with a fine-toothed comb; I am more than willing to bet there are a number of clauses in there about community rules and what is considered a violation of your lease. It may also be worth researching your city and state’s tenant’s rights laws; these may give you some leverage if you decide that things are intolerable and you need to break your lease early.

Meanwhile, continue to register your complaints with management. If your roommate – who they assigned to you – is continuing to get drunk and belligerent, then that’s very much their problem. This is especially true if his behavior is severe enough that you feel like you have to tool up just to be in your own apartment. There are many lawyers that handle tenants rights on a sliding scale basis who might be able to help you draft up a suitably impressive letter to management that could provide them with sufficient motivation to deal with your situation. Phrases like “I may have to get my lawyer involved,” tend to make even awful landlords sit up and take notice.

And while they may not be willing to remove Mr. Entourage, they might be able to move you. If the rules of your apartment building involve your landlords assigning roommates, then you may be able to get them to let you move into a different apartment. Make it clear that if a vacancy comes up, you want to be given the chance to switch. That, at least, will get you away from Mr. Entourage.

The other thing that you need to do is find the ways to make your living situation as tolerable as possible until your lease is up. If you can crash with friends, then by all means, start making arrangements to do so. You may also want to consider moving your more important belongings to someplace more secure – whether it’s with a friend, or a storage locker – so that if things get bad enough, you can ditch your apartment without risking your possessions.

If you do be there at the same time as Mr. Entourage, find what ways you can to avoid or ignore him. Noise cancelling headphones or foam ear plugs are both options for when he has his screaming fits. Similarly, you need to start drawing some very firm lines about how much interaction you have with him. You may have to live together, but that doesn’t mean that you have to interact more than is strictly necessary. As awkward as it may be to say it this baldly, tell him “I don’t want to talk about this with you,” when he starts to get into your business. “Did you get a smooch?” “I don’t want to talk about this with you.” “Let’s go get to know those hot chicks.” “No.” “Be more considerate of my fear of hanging clothing” “Don’t touch my stuff.” Be polite, but be firm, be blunt and be distant. If you can keep things to pure necessities and nothing else, it may give you enough of a respite that you can white-knuckle your way through until July.

And if things are bad enough that you can’t stay any longer, start looking at just how much it’ll cost to break your lease anyway and compare it to how much it might cost to sublet from a friend. A couple months of extra rent may be a price you’re willing to pay to get the hell out of Dodge early – especially if two or three months rent is less than taking the hit to your credit report on top of whatever penalties you’d pay for breaking your lease.

It’s an awful situation, IBI, but it’s not completely hopeless. Stand your ground with your roommate until you can get things resolved with management. And if his behavior escalates or gets worse… well, that’s when you GTFO and have several pointed conversations with management about the nature of your living situation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: At some point next year, I plan on moving to a new city to start a graduate degree program. I’m cautiously optimistic about this, as it’ll give me a chance to create a new social network and meet more new people; however, as it stands right now, I’m lacking a social life.

I’m 27 years old and have never had a girlfriend, and I’ve also never really had a close, tightly-knit group of platonic friends; mostly acquaintances. Once I move and attempt to make closer friendships, I’ll inevitably have to admit to these people about how I’ve never really had any close friends. I know that you’ve explained that when admitting something about yourself that people may not like, such as being a virgin (which I also am), you don’t try to show that you’re embarrassed or shameful, but it’s easier said than done. Plus, people talk about their friends constantly, whether they’re old friends or current ones, and if don’t, it’ll stick out like a sore thumb. If I ever have to explain that I’ve never had much of a social life, how do I rationalize or explain it in the best possible way?

Furthermore, when attempting to build a new social circle, I’m uncertain about what ages of people (and gender, as well) to focus on meeting. I’ll be studying speech-language pathology, which is mostly girls. I know this’ll give me a great chance to practice talking to women, but I’m not certain as to how well I could relate to most of them, because I’ll be 28 when I start the program, meaning most of the girls will be much younger than me, and it won’t be as easy to relate to them, seeing as we’re in different stages in life. For the record, I want to mainly focus on building my social circle, and if a relationship develops from it, that’s great. Still, I want other friends as well outside of college. I know there are plenty of other ways to build my social circle, but it’s generally been hard for me to relate to many of my fellow millennials throughout my life. At the same time, though I always found it a little odd trying to make friends with those who are 10 or more years older than me, even though some of our interests may be more compatible. (I like a lot of older TV shows and movies, and particularly love 60s rock music that isn’t just The Beatles.) I’m sure you’ll say something like how I shouldn’t care if there winds up being a significant age difference or a significant amount of girls in my social circle, as long as there’s mutual compatibility, but how do I just stop questioning this, just go for it, and get out and meet new people without any of these thoughts creeping up in my mind?

One more thing: I’ll be where I am right now for about five or six more months before I move. I want to practice my social skills now so it’ll be easier to meet new people after I move, but since I won’t be here much longer, it’ll be hard to develop close friendships. With all of this in mind, what would be the best way to improve socially in my current locale?

Movin’ On Up

DEAR MOVIN’ ON UP: Hey, congratulations on a new start and your graduate program, MOU! It sounds like you’ve got an exciting time ahead of you.  Of course, at the same time it can be kind of intimidating to start over in a new place, so it’s understandable that you’re a little apprehensive. But I think your bigger problem here is that you are seriously overthinking things.

No, for real, You are SERIOUSLY overthinking things.

Let’s start with the fact that you haven’t had any close friends. This isn’t the deal-breaker or oddity that you seem to think it is. Lots of folks grow up in circumstances where they simply weren’t in a position to make strong connections with people. Sometimes it was a case of moving constantly, as with children of military families. Sometimes it was due to illnesses or mental health. Still other times it was due to social (or literal) isolation. And other times… well, some folks are just shy and never quite gel’d with people. And that’s fine. It’s not something that you need to apologize for, but it’s also not something that most people are going to notice or even care that much about.

If anyone notices and comments that you don’t talk much about childhood friends or whatnot – and odds are, they won’t – then all you have to say is “Yeah, I didn’t have many close friends growing up” and give a shrug. You can elaborate as necessary, but “I wasn’t a really social kid” will satisfy most people’s curiosity. Lots of people went through that and if they didn’t, they knew folks who did. So you can relax on that score; you’re not going to stand out nearly as much as you think you will.

Next, there’s the question of who to meet – what ages, what genders, etc. And the answer there is simple: “yes”. Should you meet men? Yes. Women? Yes. Non-binary folks? Yes. Folks your age? Yes. Older than you? Also yes. Younger than you? Still yes. You’re going for your post-graduate degree, MOU; you’re going to be surrounded by people of varying ages. Most grad programs tend to be a mix of people in their late 20s, early 30s and even folks in their 40s or 50s. Meeting a wide range of people over all is a good thing; it broadens your horizons, introduces you to people whose lived experiences will differ from yours and teach you a little about yourself in the process.

The fact that most of the people in your program will be women doesn’t mean you’re going to have a hard time relating to them because hey, women aren’t some alien species. Their experiences aren’t so foreign that you won’t be able to understand or relate to them. They put on their pants the same way you do: tying them to the bedposts and being dumped into them by a Rube-Goldberg device when the alarm goes off in the morning. The odds are that you’ll be able to talk about movies (hey, go see Into The Spider-Verse) or what you saw on Netflix just as easily as you would with guys. A lot of making new friends – or even just getting people to like you – is listening and relating.

But honestly, it sounds like you know how to meet folks and make new friends… you are just having a hard time bringing yourself to do it. In fact, it’s that “not being able to relate” issue that seems to be your biggest hang-up. And honestly… I think the problem is that you’re artificially limiting yourself in a lot of ways. It’s fine if you’re making friends who’re older than you – like I said, meeting a wide range of people is generally a good thing – but I wonder if you’re being too rigid in what you’re into. I mean, you say that you have a hard time relating to your fellow millennials, but are you willing to meet them half-way? You may not necessarily like some of the same shows or same music, but have you been willing to say “hey, I’ve usually been into older shows/music/movies/whatever – what would you recommend I check out?” Trust me: there’re many folks who live for introducing new people to their favorites.

(Unless their favorite is The Big Bang Theory. Those people are wrong and should be shunned.)

But more than anything else, you need to develop a case of “f

k-its”. That’s where you stop trying to second-guess yourself or making basing your life about what you think people are going to say or do and just say “f

k it”. Are you friends with too many women? Enh, f

k it. Is it weird that you’re more into the swinging sounds of the 60s than top-40 radio? Enh, f

k it. The ethos of “f

k it” is to quit trying to control everything, to quit trying to min-max your social stats and to quit trying to conform to some arbitrary idea of what your social life should be. It’s to just live in the moment and take each opportunity as it comes, without analyzing it to death or trying to critical-path your way to some imaginary Best Ending. Sometimes you need to just look at the various worries and anxieties and say “you know what? F

k it, I’m doing this” and dive in.

And if you want to be ready to hit the ground running when you get to your new city? Then by all means, start now. Start cultivating a curiosity about people. Make small-talk with folks when you have the chance. You’re sitting at the counter at a restaurant? Ask your server how their day is going. You’re standing in line at Starbucks? Make an observation about the situation and see about getting a conversation started. Go to Meet Up events for things that interest you and talk with the people there. Get in the habit of talking to people and being interested in what they have to say. The more you make this part of your life now, the easier it will be to adapt it to your new life in your new home.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Internet dating is a world of many many fish in the sea. Very quickly I find myself dating lots of women at once (I know, no sympathy for me!). What I’m not sure about is how to go from there forwards. Because the thing about those first few months of romance is that physical attraction makes our brains crazy. All the red flags just look like flags, as Bojack says. Do I date several women for several months each until the thrill wears off and then evaluate, or do I try to be pickier at the beginning? Or am I discovering I’m just naturally someone who likes lots of relationships, and might be non-monogamous?

Too Many Choices

DEAR TOO MANY CHOICES: It sounds like you’ve only just started dating, TMC, because that honeymoon phase of the relationship doesn’t make you stupid. It just means that you’re caught up in the thrill of the new. The fact that something’s new and exciting doesn’t mean that all of your blood has pooled in your pants and didn’t leave enough for your brain. It just means that things are bathed in the warm light of “I just got laid a LOT” and sometimes you’re willing to overlook things that don’t reach a certain threshold.

Now that doesn’t mean people haven’t made stupid decisions because of what the non-monogamists call New Relationship Energy. But it certainly doesn’t mean that your picker is broken for the first six months.

But before you get to that, one thing you may need to do is sort out your dating patterns.

See, everyone’s got their patterns when it comes to dating. Some are serial monogamists, who tend to zero in on one person at a time. Some people like to play the field, casually dating a few people without expectation of seriousness or commitment. Some people will go on a couple of dates with different people as they look for compatibility and relationship potential while others just want some no-strings-attached hook-ups. And yeah, there’re folks who are non-monogamous or who have lots of love to give and can handle multiple emotional commitments at once.

And – this is something folks often don’t realize – many times, folks will bounce through several different patterns. Sometimes it’s a case of being the kid in a candy store; you’re overwhelmed by the options so you want to try them all, before you realize that maybe you’re more of a one-at-a-time guy. Other times it could be that you just got out of a relationship and the idea of committing to anyone gives you the screaming ab-dabs. Or you may have only just realized that you have options and you want to explore that side of yourself for a while.

Here’s the other thing that happens: some folks get overwhelmed and won’t settle down because they have a bad case of FOMO. Yeah, the person they’re dating is great… but what if there’s someone even better?  They get worried that they haven’t made the PERFECT choice and so they’re always on the look-out for the possibility that there may be another, better option on the horizon.

Now based on what you’ve said… you sound a little like right now, you like being the guy who has the chance to date lots of women. And hey, as long as everyone involved understands that’s what this is, then more power to you! But one thing you’ll discover pretty quickly is that while you may be down for dating many people at once, a lot of folks are cool only cool with that at first. As you get to know one another and the relationship progresses, they’re going to want to know if this is a relationship with a future, or if you’re still in your “try everything once” phase. And so the question of “Wait and see who I’m most suited for” may get answered for you by women who aren’t willing to wait while you compare them against other choices.

So here’s what I think: I think you need to figure out what you want. This may mean having a series of short-term relationships. And you know what? There’s a lot of value in STRs. We tend to treat relationships as failures if they aren’t multi-decade epics that end when someone dies, but short term relationships definitely have their place too. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just short stories.

Some are just dirty limericks.

So take some time and figure out what you want, not what you think you’re supposed to want. And trust me: what you’re “supposed” to want can be “BANG ALL THE THINGS” just as easily as “find a nice girl, settle down, get married, have 2.5 kids and a house in the suburbs”. The more you get to know yourself and what you want, the more you’ll figure out the dating pattern that works best for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all, thank you for all your work, it’s really interesting and I’ve been kind of addicted to reading your articles since I found out about them!

I’m a 21 year old Computer Science student from Portugal and I don’t really have a specific question, but my romantic and sex life is pretty null right now, so I tought you could help.

I had my first relationship at my senior year at high-school four years ago and we broke up two years ago, and ever since, I haven’t had any romantic or physical connection with a woman. I still don’t know how it happened, because all the effort of how we got together was made by her, and now I feel like I don’t have any experience in charming a girl. I’m a very social anxious guy and I suffered a lot of rejections meanwhile and I hardly get any dates. I think this is because I can never keep it cool.

Every time I actually engage in an interesting conversation, I end up too attached to the girl to the point of always wanting to start a conversation whenever I’m bored or needy. I also tend to shift the conversation very quickly to be about feelings and personal stuff. This can cause them to see me only as a friend or even worse, stop talking to me, because I was creepy or needy. Either way, I never feel any signs of attraction and this is deepening the problem. This usually leads to me just being straight forward with them and getting rejected every single time. It’s hard for me to find a reason to why I feel like this with women, I consider myself a well rounded person, with hobbies, friends, etc…

Thanks for your time!

Anxious Anonymous

DEAR ANXIOUS ANONYMOUS: You have a very common problem, AA, but not quite in the way that you think. Yeah, that anxiety attack you have causes you to lose your cool, but that’s more of a symptom than a cause.

The issue is two-fold. The first is that you – like most socially anxious, awkward people – are empathic. In fact, you’re a little too empathic. You – like your socially anxious brothers and sisters – get really, reallyworried about what people are thinking, if you’re bothering them, etc. On the one hand, this is noble and considerate of you. On the other hand, it gets very awkward for everyone involved because now you’re radiating anxiety in every direction and people pick up on that. You’re busy imagining all those worst-case scenarios that start with your saying “hi” and end up with your face plastered all over social media with an alert about how you’re the creepiest creeper ever to creep.

The other issue is that you’re putting way too much importance on the woman you’re talking to. Now don’t get me wrong: I’m sure she’s amazing. However, she’s not the only amazing woman out there. Hell, she’s probably not the only amazing woman within a 500 ft radius of you. The problem is that you’re treating her as though she were the only chance you have to find a relationship for the remainder of your life. As a result: you get caught up in a cycle where you seriously over-invest in them – both for representing your Last Chance Ever but also for the validation they give you.

So what do you do?

Well to start with, you’re going to learn to calm yourself down in the moment. As I’ve said before: your brain takes it’s cues from your body. If you keep control of your body, you can control your mind. So the first thing you want to do is practice breathing techniques. When you’re feeling anxious, focus on your breath. Breath in slowly, to the count of four. Hold it for the count of three. Then breathe out again for another count of four. Repeat this over and over – just breathing in, holding it, and breathing out again. This will help slow down your nervous system and lower your heart rate; that, in turn, will help you calm down. You may worry that this may make you seem distracted or keep you from responding as quickly as you might feel like you should. It will – it takes practice until you can do this without having to concentrate – but this is actually a bonus. Forcing you to take your time means that you won’t just blurt out whatever comes to mind or make sudden and awkward conversational transitions. Taking time to pause before replying to what the other person has said will also have the bonus of making you seem more considerate and charismatic; you’ll come across as taking time to really think about what they said instead of just waiting for your turn to talk.

But that’s just the physical issues. You also need to work on the mental and emotional side of the issue. And the way you do that is simple: you have to start practicing being outcome independent. Part of why you get so anxious and lose your cool is because you treat each conversation as a sudden-death quicktime event, where if you don’t do everything perfectly, everything in your life will come crashing down around you. As a result: everything is huge. It is vital. You are on the cusp of ruining it all!

So instead of trying to impress this person or win them over, you’re going to take dating or attraction off the table. Your only concern is just having a fun conversation. That’s it. You don’t need to impress them. You don’t need them to like you for more than just the span of 10 to 15 minutes or so. Did you have fun talking to them? Did they have fun talking to you? Cool, mission accomplished. You can walk away with your head held high.

Learning to become outcome independent and letting a conversation just be a conversation is important because it turns off that fear of failure and any catastrophe that may come with it. By getting in the habit of just relaxing and enjoying a conversation, things will flow more effortlessly. You won’t be as worried about impressing her because you’ll be able to focus on just connecting with her as a person. You won’t be as panicked because the worst that happens is that you excuse yourself and move on; all that you’ve lost was 15 minutes that you would’ve otherwise spent browsing Reddit or Facebook or what-have-you.

So learn to calm yourself down and just let things be what they are. Don’t get hung up on needing everyone to like you or to impress every person you meet. Enjoy some pleasant conversation, maybe make a new friend or two and just let things be. This will help that well-rounded, appealing person in you to shine forth.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So there’s this girl I’ve known for about 2 months, but have been talking to daily for over a month. The first date we went on, she asked me out.

We haven’t seen each other for over a month, because I’m a homebody and haven’t gotten around to thinking of a good date to go on with her. We still talk pretty much every day, and she even initiates conversations a lot of the time.

This past Friday, I messaged her on Facebook asking her what she was doing after work tonight. She said a friend of her’s was picking her up. I told her that I wanted to hang out with her because it’s been a while. She then replies back saying that she doesn’t know what she was going to get into with said friend, and would let me know. We kept on talking Friday night until her friend picked her up. She randomly messaged me at 3AM Saturday morning saying “My phone died.” I replied later that afternoon saying “That sucks. What are you up to?” – She didn’t reply until SUNDAY saying “Just working, what about you?”. I replied back saying “Same here. Working on this project.” Then I never got a response.

I really do like her. I felt like I could have put in more effort to hang out with her. It wasn’t like I was blowing her off, I was still talking to her, I just never really got around to asking her out. Well, I did invite her to a social group event Friday before last, that she said yes to, but that event had to cancel.

What’s strange is we were talking a lot up until this past weekend, now I feel like she completely wrote me off and I don’t know why. I really do like her, and I’d like to at least attempt to salvage what is left.

Initiate Recovery Mode

DEAR INITIATE RECOVERY MODE: Ok, couple of things.

First of all, for future reference: you don’t need to put a lot of effort into putting together “good dates”. Most dates are fairly simple affairs – you’re going and doing things that are fun together. Maybe that’s going to the zoo. Maybe that’s getting coffee and playing board games. Maybe it’s playing pool or seeing a comedy show or racing go-karts. Maybe it’s just a walk on a gorgeous day. Don’t let trying to find something “perfect” become the enemy of the “pretty good”.

Now as for what’s going on:

She’s not that interested in you, romantically. She clearly still digs you as a friend – and that speaks volumes to your connection together – but at the moment she’s not feeling it when it comes to going on a date. You can see it pretty clearly in her responses to you. As a general rule, when people are interested in someone, we tend to make definite plans with them. If we already have plans for a specific day, we’ll tend to try to find another time when we can get together. A “Well, I’ll have plans but we’ll see” is a pretty textbook example of a “soft no”; it’s a way of saying “nah, thanks” without being direct and risking hurting the other person’s feelings.

(It also doesn’t help when, during a conversation, you don’t give the other person anything to work with. “Same here, working on a project” doesn’t really spur a response, especially if the other person isn’t really motivated to keep up her end of things. Even a little humorous exaggeration -“trying to keep myself from dying of boredom as I pound this project into shape” – is more likely to prompt a response.)

The why of it is harder to discern. It certainly doesn’t help that you never asked her out on a second date; to most people, never suggesting another date is a pretty good indication that no, you’re not interested. As a result, she may well have assumed that you didn’t like her enough to ask her out again and ratcheted her interest down to “friend” instead of “potential snuggle-bunny”.

It could also be that she just wasn’t feeling it after the first date, so she wasn’t going to pound on your metaphorical door for a second.

Now, the question remains: can you salvage things with her?

Well… you can try. At this point, it’s more of a Hail Mary pass, than anything else; you’ll basically be throwing something out there against the odds and hoping that you’ll get lucky. Making it clear that you want to go on a date – not “hanging out” or “getting together” but a date – might make her realize that you’re actually interested in her. You might even explain that you took so long in getting back to her because you were trying to come up with a “good” date and just kind of got hung up on ideas instead of just asking her out.

But like I said: you’re probably just out of luck here. In the long run, it’s a better bet to chalk this up to a learning experience and not make the same mistakes next time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)