(Doctor’s Note: today’s letter deals with abusive relationships.)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would normally dispense with the niceties and whatnot, but I feel like I’m in the middle of a potential crisis.

The long story made short is that I’m a 23 year old guy who had just graduated from college with a bachelor’s, and there’s a female friend of mine  – “Annie” — who had recently turned 29 (although if you ask her, she’s around 32 but that’s a detail I’ll get to later).

I’ve become increasingly concerned about her, to put it lightly. We’ve built up a rather strong friendship over the course of well over a year, but it seems like something has been very off over the past few months.

I know this because she was willing to become good friends because she gave me her number to text her (before that, we were DMing each other via Instagram). We’ve shared quite a lot of similar interests in just about a lot of topics (ranging from our favorite movies to particular styles of art), as well as recommended each other various new things to try. We’ve even vented to each other about our more personal secrets.

But like I said, it seems like there’s something rotten in the state of Denmark.

I noticed that Annie wasn’t really reading my messages or my DMs anymore plus her overall activity on Instagram and Tumblr have been significantly reduced, so I decided to email her. Some time ago, I asked her (through email of course) if she would be able to come to my graduation ceremony as well as let me stay over at her place (I graduated with honors and there was a cosplay convention on that same weekend as my graduation, and the con was about a couple of hours from where I live).  I was actually kind of expecting “no” because she wasn’t used to people staying over at her place, nor was she the kind of person to attend events with loud music and tons of people.

(In fact, neither am I, but graduation is pretty much a huge stepping stone that deserves commemoration).

The reason why wasn’t what I expected at all. She declined both offers because as of this writing, she has a fiancé that she’s been with for about three years now, and if her fiancé found out that another guy (even a male friend) took her to an event or let him stay at her place, then in her own exact words, “he would be significantly less than pleased… to put it lightly.” She then added that if her fiancé were to find out that we had been messaging each other as much as we had been in the past, then she would be forced to block me from all social media.

This wasn’t the only strange behavior I’ve seen from her. She has mentioned that she’s incredibly introverted and antisocial, but at least when we were talking more, she would at least take the time to talk when she was available. Not the case anymore. In fact, she was perfectly willing to give me her number in the past, but now it seems like she blocked my number for no apparent reason. She then DMed me on Instagram about that, trying to brush it off as a bug on her phone.

When another friend of mine tried to reach out to Annie, to check if this were a potentially abusive relationship, the she straight-up blocked them.

Finally, her whole demeanor has become a lot more… subdued, to say the least. I remember when we were texting until the wee hours of the night (it helps that she’s a night owl), she would get very emotional and very passionate about various topics. Nowadays, her personality seems to have just deflated into a shadow of her former self. She’s way less emotional now, and has become somewhat impersonal, almost robotic.

I’ve talked to another friend who recently got engaged , and they said that being engaged can come with less engagement with other people (especially on social media). According to them, it does kind of come with the territory. I do figure that’s understandable, except this feels less “guess they can’t stop bangin’” and more “blink twice if your soul is being held in a jar.”

Initially, I just brushed off all of this strange behavior from her because she recently became a business owner who works with several different countries (specifically China). Knowing that and her night owl tendencies, I could understand why she would be less active because I imagine that it’s a very demanding job that requires several hours of commitment. I mean, we’re both adults here, we both have real-world work to do.

In fact, I would even understand her having a fiancé and would have otherwise backed off because that kind of relationship requires a special kind of commitment… if her fiancé in question hadn’t been showing some serious red flags.

I just want to confirm that these are in fact red flags, and that I’m not going crazy:

– Annie telling me that her fiancé would be significantly less than pleased if any guy (including a male friend) took her to an event or let a male friend stay at her place.

– Annie telling me that if her fiancé found out we’ve been messaging each other as much as we had been in the past, then her fiancé would force her to have her block me from all forms of contact

– Her suddenly becoming way more willing to burn bridges with people, even with people she’s called friends for years (I can’t confirm this, but it seems like she’s unfollowed more friends who happened to be abuse survivors)

– Her outright disappearing from all social media and forms of contact (including her removing me from her Pokémon GO friends list for no apparent reason); she mentioned she’s a business owner who works into the wee hours of the night, but this disappearance is unusual even for her (I mean, she’s a diehard Pokémon fan for life!)

– Her apparently changing her age online to be “older” than she actually is (she has a history of dating men older than she is because she apparently finds herself unable to connect with guys around her own age, but this was well before I came into the picture)

After she told me about all the things with her fiancé and whatnot, I sent her a response email telling her about the potential red flags their relationship is showing, as well as all the strange behaviors that she’s been exhibiting over the past couple of months.

I haven’t heard from her since.

Interestingly enough, as of this writing, she hasn’t even unfollowed me on Instagram (she decided to follow me after her account had gotten hacked by Russian spammers; that was cleared up within a matter of hours), not even after I sent her that last email or after she blocked that friend who reached out to her.

This isn’t like she’s just “unfamiliar” with abusive relationships in the past; if anything, she has quite a history with them. Apparently when she was approximately closer to my age several years ago, she was in an extremely abusive relationship with a man who was about twice her age at that time. She doesn’t really want to talk about the details, but it more or less left her impoverished as soon as she left. Not too long after that, she met another guy and they started dating soon after. This now-ex had psychologically and sexually abused her, including forcing her to take alcohol and hard drugs to force her into caving in. As a result, she ended up alienating people she cared about, did some things that were uncomfortable and stranger for her, and developed C-PTSD as a result.

After all of this, she even created a sort of charity for abuse survivors and even creates hypnosis tapes for those survivors in order to help them recover (she’s a certified hypnotherapist, complete with degrees).

Additionally, I even did some asking around on online forums and chat rooms in order to determine if her fiancé’s behavior was indeed becoming abusive, and the overall consensus was pretty much “yes, the relationship is toxic AF and she should nope the hell out of there ASAP.”

While all of this might be bad enough, here comes the part where I screwed up. After her mentioning that she had a fiancé, I was in panic mode because of past friendships that would cease to exist because that friend would immediately ghost me after that relationship had started (that’s another story entirely), and as a result, I let it slip that I was planning on asking her out someday. At first, I saw her as someone that I could summon up the courage to ask out, but as time passed, I got to know her more and saw her as the good friend I now have, to the point where I simply forgot to ask her out.

As a result, she got scared and put “romantically unavailable” on her Instagram bio (apparently because two other friends had tried to ask her out around the same time; I honestly didn’t know about this until another friend told me).

However, the number-blocking and deletion from her Pokémon GO friends list happened way before I let that slip out, so there’s no correlation here.

Besides, if she had been for fiancé for about that length of time, asking her out would have been a moot point back then.

I know you’re going to summon the Chair Leg of Truth on me for this cardinal sin, but screw it, I honestly don’t care anymore because first and foremost, she’s my friend. I care about her as an individual, and I most certainly care about her safety (especially her safety).

I suppose I could sum it up to that being an inconvenient crush, but who knows? But then again, not knowing is part of the human experience, isn’t it?

It’s just that I really think she’s an awesome person, that’s it. In fact, she’s actually one of the few people I can actually talk to not just about personal items, but also about intellectually stimulating topics in such a way that I really can’t with most other people.

However, I am myself NOT ready for another relationship due to baggage that I won’t get into here (because then this will be a hell of a lot longer than it needs to be). I don’t feel emotionally ready for it, is what I’m trying to say. I even have plans to see a therapist to address this kind of baggage. On top of that, something like “getting into her pants” is NOT something I’ve thought about at all, not when she could be in potential danger.

Besides, it’s not like I can just drop her and move on with my life either, because like I said, her life could potentially be in danger.

In any case, I’ve asked my other friends for advice on what to do about this, and the best advice I’ve received so far is to just give my friend space. That’s… exactly what I did. I haven’t spoken to her in weeks, although I still find myself worrying about her every now and then, to the point where I check up on her to see that she’s doing ok (and that she hasn’t blocked me yet in case I finally decide to reach out to her).

I really don’t know what else to do. I guess I’m just looking for additional insight (especially from a professional), but more important, I just need advice on what I can do for my friend who may have potentially trapped herself into yet another abusive relationship.

Thank you for your time.

Stuck in the Middle with a Scorpion

DEAR STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH A SCORPION: Hoo boy. There’s a lot to unpack here, SitMwS and I have a lot of questions.

But let’s take it step by step.

First and foremost: Assuming everything is as you say it is, then yes, it sounds an awful lot like she’s in a toxic, if not outright abusive relationship. A lot of the behavior you’re describing sounds like someone who’s being isolated by an abuser. Take your friend burning so many bridges and cutting back on everybody in her life. While everybody’s different, getting engaged usually doesn’t also involve cutting ties with one’s friend. Someone who’s in an abusive relationship, however, often will suddenly withdraw from friends, from family and from activities they used to love.

This is entirely deliberate. Abusers will frequently try to cut their victims off from friends and family. The more isolated that their victim is, the more they come to rely on the abuser. It also helps keep them under the abuser’s thumb. By cutting their victim off from their friends, the victim has fewer voices warning them about the abuser’s behavior. Just as importantly, if the victim is cut off from her friends and family, then she has fewer available resources and fewer places to turn if and when she decides it’s time to get the hell out.

Abusers will frequently frame this in ways that may seem reasonable. It’s rarely “I don’t want you talking to anyone who isn’t me” – though there are those who will make it about how jealous they get. More often though, abusers will try to poison the well and sew discord and mistrust while convincing their victims to cut ties – the better to inoculate themselves against accusations of abuse. So they’ll frame the request as “they’re bad friends” or “they’re trying to break us up because they’re interested in you” or “they’re trying to turn you against me because REASONS”. This way, if someone tries to point out how awful his behavior is they can say “see, they said exactly what I said they would.”

Unfortunately, if her fiancé IS abusing her, then you played into this narrative by Nice-Guying your way through this. It’s much easier for him to sew doubt and mistrust by pointing out that you were hoping to ask her out at some point. This puts pretty much everything about your relationship with her into question, like asking if you can stay at her place, even knowing she was probably going to say “no”. Now anything you have to say about him is going to be through the filter of “yeah but he wants to date me,” regardless of whether that’s true any more or not.

I also want to come back to something you mentioned earlier: you’re surprised by this because she’s familiar with abusive relationships, having been abused before. This, unfortunately isn’t uncommon; a number of victims of abuse – especially as children – will end up in other abusive relationships. This can actually put something of a whammy on people who find themselves in abusive relationships; they don’t want to believe or accept it because they should supposedly “know better”. They believe they shouldn’t be the kind of person who’d get abused, especially again. It’s incredibly difficult to say “yes, this happened to me”. It’s even harder to say “It happened to me again,” especially to friends who may have pointed it out before. This mix of denial, shame and embarrassment can make it harder for them to decide to get out.

And it is hard to leave an abusive relationship. Abusers are very good at getting into their victims’ heads and convincing them that things are better and it’s all going to be fine now. They’ll lovebomb their victim and reinitiate a honeymoon period where they’re on their best behavior and it can feel like things are getting better. This lasts long enough for the victim to recommit and let their guard down… and then the cycle of abuse begins again. A victim of abuse – physical or emotional – often will leave and go back to their abuser multiple times before they leave for good. This can be maddening for their friends because… well, shouldn’t they know better by now? This cycle of leaving and going back often grinds people down, to the point that they’ll sometimes throw their hands up and say “fine, you know what, you chose this, I’m out.”

Which further isolates the victim.

Now someone call Sir Mix-A-Lot because there’s a huge “but” coming.

BUT. That’s all assuming that’s what’s going on here. Yeah, the activity that you’re describing all sounds like very typical abusive red flags.

They ALSO sound an awful lot like someone who’s trying to wave off a dude she barely knows who’s way more invested in her than she is in him.

You’ve known her for a year and over the course of that year — a year in which you’d been planning to ask her out. That would be a year in which you’ve known she’s had a fiancé.

And her dialing back contact with you has been happening over the course of several months. And the reduction in contact with you seems to have started around the time you invited her to your graduation and asked if you could stay at her place

All this raises other red flags with me.

Straight talk: a lot of the things you describe could be someone who’s giving soft excuses as to why she doesn’t want you visiting or staying over or wanting to dial back her relationship because you’ve been getting way too intense for her comfort.

Frankly, it wouldn’t be the first time that somebody wanted to turn down a crush and shifted the blame to a jealous partner. The increasing ways she’s disconnected from you – and the lame excuses – could be depression, it could be a way of trying to put boundaries between the two of you… the possibilities are fairly robust. Her withdrawing from the various friends could well be because she’s getting tired of a bunch of folks getting wound up by someone telling her that she’s being abused.

The truth is that there’s a lot that’s pretty damn ambiguous here. First of all, you’re getting a tiny sliver of her life and extrapolating worlds of information from that without any real justification for those conclusions.

There are loads going on that you don’t see and that you don’t know. And let’s be honest here: you’ve got some motivated reasoning going on here to want it to be abuse and not just her rejecting you.

But before everyone gets angry in the comments, all of the things I just mentioned? That’s part of what makes it so damn hard for an outsider who wants to help and support their friend. All of the potential ambiguity, the potential other reasons for the suspicious behavior… all of that muddies the water and makes it hard to know how to respond. And even if you are 100% correct, they may not see it that way yet.

That’s why the hardest part for someone on the outside is that, at the end of the day, there’s very little that you can do to get somebody out of an abusive relationship before they’re ready. You can’t “rescue” someone from an abusive relationship. The only person who can make the decisions for their life is them. The only thing you can do is provide support and a non-judgemental space. If she comes to you – IF – and asks for help, then you can provide her with resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 and help her create a safety plan. But those have to be her choice, and pushing her could very well push her away.

So if you’re right and she’s being abused, then you’re going to have to accept there’s not much you can do. Check out the resources for friends and family of domestic abuse victims at the National Domestic Violence Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/help/help-for-friends-and-family/). Call them yourself if you want to talk out potential options and how you can best help your friend if she asks for it. You can contact her and let her know that you care, that you’re worried about her, that you’ll always be there if she needs you and that she can reach out to you at any time for any reason.

But then… you have to leave the ball in her court.

Hopefully you’re wrong. Hopefully this is all a wacky misunderstanding and everything is just fine and there’s a logical and sensible reason for all of this. But if there isn’t… well, the best thing you can do is be the friend she needs, when she needs it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25-year-old woman in a weird place in my dating/sex life right now. For a long time, I thought I was a lesbian, until about a year ago when I dated a guy. Unfortunately, I was so anxious about how to be good in a relationship/sexual with a guy, I kind of sent it to it’s doom. Then I went on a date with another guy about six months later and I was kind of coerced into sleeping with him, and he was the first guy I slept with and this gave me even more anxiety.

To help me get over my sexual anxiety with guys, I started having a friends with benefits thing with someone I trusted would actually respect my sexual wishes and wouldn’t make me feel like I couldn’t have input. Now though, the thing seems to be that guys ONLY seem to want sex from me. The last date I went on, I thought I really connected with the guy, but he kept pushing for me to sleep with him, and probably was being way too sexual for a first date (I.E. talking about how he had a boner).

So I guess, my questions are: 1. Does having a friends with benefits situation mean that guys I might date in the future will consider me slutty?, 2. How do I tell if a guy wants to date or just wants sex? and 3. How do I let a guy know whether I want sex or just dating in terms of body language or without being too direct?

Any help would be appreciated.

Bewitched, Bewildered and Befuddled

DEAR BEWITCHED, BEWILDERED AND BEFUDDLED: Here’s something I want you to realize: you’re not alone in this. Like other folks who’ve written in — this week even — you’ve had a fairly circuitous route to your sexuality. As I’ve said before, sexuality isn’t as carved in stone as we like to think. It’s not even a spectrum, so much as it is a multi-axis graph and series of slides. Some people may be staunchly heterosexual or homosexual, some may be bi or pansexual and some folks may slide around attraction over time… just as it seems to have been in your case. That can be an inadvertent source of confusion and anxiety, especially if you’ve spent most of your life identifying one way or another.

Of course, this is going to lead to something of an adjustment period as you start getting used to the social mores of dating men in addition to/ instead of women. You’re used to one set of experiences when it comes to dating and now you’re dealing with something that’s familiar, yet just different enough to be anxiety-producing – a dating uncanny valley as it were. This is can take some getting used to; the skill-sets are essentially the same, but the applications can be different enough to be confusing. Gender roles, particularly surrounding dating, can be a pain in the ass that way.

And let’s be fair: you have some legit reasons to be anxious. Not only are you exploring a different side of yourself, but you’ve had some seriously awful experiences.

But hey! You bounced back from that and you then went and found a good guy to be with – someone who was caring and respectful, listened to you and deferred to your limits and wishes. That’s awesome. 

Unfortunately, the guys afterwards… not quite as awesome. But here’s the thing: there’s a difference between correlation and causation, B3. The issue isn’t that you had a FWB relationship with someone and now everyone thinks you’re a slut, the problem is that you seem to be dating jerks.

The first thing you should be doing is figuring out some screening techniques to filter out the jackasses sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately, part of the way you learn to filter out these goombas is through experience. Womp womp.

Learning how to tell guys who just want sex versus those who want a relationship is something you learn over time. People of all genders come on a spectrum; there will be guys who will be very obvious about just wanting to fuck and there will be guys who are so restrained that you’ll wonder if they actually see you as a potential partner or just a good friend. There will be guys who will fake wanting to date just so they can get sex and there will be guys who are super-sexual but who’re totally down with something committed. Most of the time, you figure out who’s who by their behavior; are they respectful, or are they pushy? Do they acknowledge your boundaries, or do they take every opportunity to tell you what they want from you?

Let’s take the dude you mention in your letter. You thought you were connecting with this guy. He, on the other hand, seemed to think that this connection was going to be leading straight to his bed and he was being a pushy ass about it. I’m all in favor of some sexy flirting and banter, but there’s flirting and then there’s being an asshat. There’s a time and place for bringing up one’s boner (i.e. heavy make-out sessions). Trying to steer the conversation to sex when you’re not down? Asshat behavior.

Now, I do have a couple questions for you. You’re worried that guys will think you’re a slut because you’ve had a FWB relationship… but how, exactly are they finding this out? If you’re laying out your sexual history – especially on a first date – they might be assuming that you’re signaling that you’re looking for more of the same. As a general rule, if you (general you, not you, B3) are talking about sex a lot on a date – sex you’ve had, sex you’d like to have, etc – it’s likely going to be seen as a sign that you’re down to bone. Which is awesome if you are, but if not, you’re going to end up with some confusion. Same thing with signaling that you’re just looking to date – if you’re bringing up kids, marriage and vacation plans on a first date, people will assume that you’re looking to settle down ASAP, even if that’s not what you mean.

Keep in mind: trying to establish the kind of relationship you’re looking for on a first or even third date can be difficult; one person’s “this is totally casual” is another’s “we’re feeling out potential commitment”.

One of the things I think may be causing you problems is the assumption that wanting to fuck and wanting to date are two entirely different beasts. There can be a lot of overlap there; many, many happy long-term relationships have started out of one-night stands and casual relationships. But if you want to take things at a relaxed pace – totally understandable considering your history and anxieties surrounding sex – then make sure to maintain your boundaries. Having boundaries is part of how you filter out the asshats. Good guys will respect your limits, and the guys who want the same things you do will proceed at the pace you want. As

*les will push and push (case in point, Captain BonerTalk); feel free to kick these dudes to the curb.

But honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being direct and up front with what you want. Letting someone know you want to bone is fairly easy. Signaling that you want to date through body language is… kinda awkward and uncertain. Holding back on sleeping with someone isn’t any more reliable a sign that you’re headed to commitment than sleeping with them on the first date is a sign that you’re not. Guys who’re uncomfortable with your being straightforward about what you’re looking for are demonstrating to you that you’re likely not compatible in the first place.

The other thing to keep in mind: dating men as someone who’s bi or pansexual isn’t really all that different from dating women. There may be some adjustments – after all, some guys are seriously uptight about gender roles and performance when it comes to relationships, while others are more flexible – but you’ve done this before. The plumbing may be different but the hearts are the same.

So establish your boundaries, B3 and find the pace that you’re comfortable with. Find the guys who’re willing to respect them. And don’t be afraid to advocate for what you want, whether it’s sex or something more long-term.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ll keep this brief – I just turned 28 years old and am not looking for a serious relationship. Not now. I am currently working on some things in my life. The past couple of years have been a struggle for various reasons, and while I’ve kicked my ass to the point where I’m doing better, I still have to Improve myself mentally and physically before I can have something to offer.

That said, I am concerned about my future dating prospects. Lots of people from work, old colleagues from school, old friends and so on, are getting engaged and married. This is a surprise to me, as I assumed most people my age would wait till their mid-30’s, and now I’m worried. Forget about being in a serious relationship – I’ve never even dated. Anxieties, social and sexual got in the way, although when I look back I can’t think of anyone I knew who would have been compatible. Suddenly, I’ve been obsessively reading about when the right age to marry is. Apparently, it’s 28-32! Each year past that is 5% more likely to end in divorce! That gives me less than four years to date enough people before I’m sure I’ve found a compatible partner to share my life with! I’m not even dating material yet!!!!Of course, I’m self aware enough to know that some people marry late. But it’s less common, and I’m deeply frightened that by the time I’m ready, it will be harder to find someone, because there will be fewer people my age that haven’t tied the knot.

I think you’ll tell me that everyone goes at their own pace, based on other articles I’ve read on this site. You’ll also tell me that there’s no cutoff point to losing virginity. But I don’t care about my virginity. I don’t just want to get laid in a one night stand. I want to find someone to share my life with. With that in mind… should I be concerned?

I don’t want to rush into a relationship and end up with someone incompatible or abusive – something my Mom’s warned me about. But I also am depressed about the thought of spending my life alone.

Any feedback or advice – about dealing with this anxiety, about challenges that I can expect, or whether it’s too late and I should just give up (ha ha just kidding please don’t tell me it’s too late) – will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for all the work you’ve done, and for reading this far!

Regards,

Roadblocked

DEAR ROADBLOCKED: Alright, I want to give you a little secret, Roadblocked. This is something that I’m not supposed to tell you about marriage, so I need you to lean in close. Ready?

The right age to get married is… when you’re ready.

That’s it.

There is no magical formula about the “ideal” time to marry because what makes a marriage “work” has nothing to do with age and everything to do with the people involved. There’s no age that is going to divorce-proof your marriage because there’s no such thing. The whole “X% more likely” is horses

t. It’s trying to apply statistics and math to social issues by people who understand neither. Every relationship you have will eventually end, until one doesn’t.

And the fact of the matter is: the fact that your relationship ended – even if you got divorced – isn’t a bad thing. It doesn’t mean that your relationship failed; it just means it came to its conclusion. We all grow and change over time, and sometimes a relationship that is right for us at one part of our life isn’t going to be right for us in the future. That doesn’t mean that it was bad or you did anything wrong; it just means that it was what you needed at that time in your life and now you’ve both grown past it and it’s time to begin the next stage of your adventure.

And if you’re self-aware to know that people don’t necessarily marry at 32, then you should also know that people find themselves single again at 33… and at 43… and 53. Getting married young doesn’t mean that they’re forever off the market. Marriages end, partners pass away, people realize that their partner isn’t the person they should be with. Nor does it mean that they won’t want to date someone who hasn’t been married before. People who’ve been married before get married to people who’ve never been married before all the goddamn time.

You, my friend, need to take a long, deep breath. You’re losing your shit over patently false information and robbing your own future happiness for no reason. You have no reason to rush. All you’re losing right now is a good night’s sleep because you’re freaking yourself out. Slow down and relax. Take your time, date around and find people you really click with. Love and marriage will come in time… but not if you rush into it because you’re trying to beat a clock that doesn’t actually exist.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently stumbled on your article on being an older virgin from a Google search. I have been morbidly obese all my life, and I am a virgin at 41. I am putting all my energy into an aggressive weight loss program at the minute, as well as addressing other issues in my life. In preparation of my weight-loss regimen, I stacked up on Men’s Health mags. I read constantly on all aspects of life. Which includes sexuality.

In preparation of my new bod, I decided to tackle the Men’s Health Big Book of Sex. I plan on losing my virginity with my new bod. I know that getting laid won’t be an issue, because there a lot of options out there. Unfortunately, reading the aforementioned Book of Sex, I found out something i never realized before. The male penis angles on erection to hit the G-Spot. It’s angled the most at the ages between 20 and 30. After that, it loses its angle gradually. In addition, there are other flaws that begin to hinder male sexuality including increased refraction times, etc.

My question now is; is it even worth it to lose my virginity after 40? The woman I am with certainly won’t be as happy with my biological shortcomings (no pun intended) and I’m not so sure I will be as happy with them either.In addition, it seems all the best years of sex are now far behind me on the field of life. I never have dated, or even kissed, a woman. That means all the memories I could have had of being 18 and in love, or 20 and in love, etc. are gone. And the physical element of my sexuality is slowly being destroyed as well. Should I even try at this point?

Waited Too Long

DEAR WAITED TOO LONG: You need to ditch the book, WTL because you’re getting some bad advice and it’s going to your head. All those “biological shortcomings” you’re thinking of are bulls

t and it’s just scaring you out of pursuing the life and goals you’ve always wanted.

Let’s start with the angle of yer dangle: it means precisely diddly-squat when it comes to pleasing women. Here’s the part that apparently got left out of the manual there: most women don’t – and some can not –  achieve orgasm from penetration. In fact, the obsession with penetration and the idea that this is the real or “right” way to make women come is why a lot of guys are really bad in bed. While you will occasionally find someone who does get off from penile penetration, most women aren’t going to, regardless of whether your penis is at an angle, straight ahead, curved like a banana or bent like a twisty straw. And just like penises are different, every woman’s vagina is going to be different too. Just as some guys are large and wide and others are narrow and short, women’s vaginas are going to be differing sizes and lengths. There isn’t going to be one “perfect” angle because deviance is the norm when it comes to your junk.

Not to denigrate my fellow penis-havers, but the magic stick ain’t all that magical. Here’s what will help women get off: deep, full kissing, using your hands and fingers and good oral sex. That, more than anything else, is going to be what it takes to please a woman.

You know what else is going to please her? Listening skills. Being able to take direction with an open mind and a willingness to learn; when a woman tells you “do this there, touch me like that, use this amount of pressure”, they want you to do exactly that and not be the guy  – like so many others they’ve slept with – who’ll keep doing what they were doing before or stop doing what they asked and do something else. Other things you can do: get comfortable with using toys. Try new ways of having sex that don’t prioritize penetration. And, critically: not losing your damn mind if things don’t go perfectly. Refraction times aren’t a problem when you’ve got two hands and a can-do attitude. A penis that doesn’t perform the way you might want in the moment is nothing compared to a guy who isn’t threatened by a Magic Wand or a Silver Bullet.

Seriously man: you’ve been putting in a lot of hard work and that’s admirable, but you’re spending more time convincing yourself that you’re going to fail before you even try. All you’re doing is robbing yourself of your future happiness by inventing new and bulls

t ways to be miserable. Love doesn’t mean less because you found it in your forties instead of your twenties. Sex isn’t less good because you didn’t start as a tween. You didn’t “miss out”, you’re not getting “second class” love and affection.

All that’s happening is you’re going to be dealing with love and sex at a time when you have more life experience and emotional maturity than other people did. Spend less time thinking about what you could or “should” have had and take that time and energy looking forward to the amazing things you will have.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Let’s get my basic history out of the way: I am a 23-year-old guy with at least two mental disorders. I spent a few years after high school unemployed, and just now started a job in retail. I never had a girlfriend in high school, and I’ve been on exactly one date my whole life (to see Iron Man 3). I still live with my family, and I don’t know how to drive. I’m also a singer in my church band (a Christian visiting a website about dating and sex, yeah yeah.).

The other day, I came to a rather depressing realization: this is what the rest of my life is going to be.

The rest of my existence is going to be spent at work and at home, and being at Walmart for nine hours means I’m not really interested in leaving the house for anything. I don’t drink and I hate loud noise, so bars and clubs are out. Even if I moved out and learned to drive, none of that would change.

All the friends I’ve ever made have scattered to the four winds; I no longer have anyone to hang out with in person. I don’t think that coworkers and customers can be friends, so as far as I can tell, I’m never going to be able to make new ones.

And a confession: I’m a hopeless romantic. Even if I never believed I could maintain one, I’ve always wanted to be in a relationship. Not a crazy girl who drags me out of my shell, but someone who’s willing to join me in it. But, well, you have to be friends first, and since I don’t have any way of making friends in my age group (everyone in church is middle-aged [and married] or underaged), I don’t feel like I’ll ever have a chance to meet someone.

Honestly, though, I feel like it should be ridiculous that I’m even upset by this. It ultimately doesn’t really matter if I never make a friend or find love. But in the moment, it’s depressing as hell to realize that you’re going to be completely alone for the rest of your life.

All Out of Love

DEAR ALL OUT OF LOVE: Dude. Dude.

You are twenty three. You aren’t at the end of the road, you’re starting your life right now. The odds that your life is going to be exactly the same for the next 50 to 70 years with no changes is so infinitesimal that I don’t think we actually have numbers to express it.

Unless, that is, you don’t do anything.

Fun thing is that you are the driver of your own destiny, the captain of your future. You and you alone are in the position to shape what the years to come will be. So if you choose to not change your circumstances, then yes, nothing will change. But that will be because of the choices you’ve made, not because you’ve been uniquely screwed by God, the Universe, the Force or Loki Laufeyson.

So if you want things to be different, then it’s on you to make things different. And unlike a lot of people: you’re in a strong position to make some changes. You’re relatively debt free. You, from the sound of things, have few regularly recurring expenses. This means that you’re in a position to actually pull up stakes and make massive changes in your life with greater ease than a lot of other people.

I want you to imagine a future you actually want to have. Picture it in all it’s technicolor glory. Maybe it’s a girlfriend or wife and the house with the white picket fence. Maybe it’s more friends and an active social life. It may be a new job that doesn’t suck the life out of you. And once you can see it so vividly that you can reach out and touch it: write down how you’re going to get there. Take up a pen and some paper – because writing by hand activates a different part of your brain than typing – and start writing down concrete steps that will get you to where you want to be. Things that you aren’t doing now.

You might start by learning to drive; even if you don’t have a car, having your driver’s license opens up avenues to you that you don’t currently have. If the day comes that you decide you want the flexibility that a car can bring you, you’ll be ready. Another may be socking away money into a savings account so you have a cushion for your future. Putting part of your paycheck towards a new place to live or even a new city to move to will give you something you can point to and say “see? SEE? I’m building towards something.” It’ll also give you safety and security to find another job that doesn’t suck like a jet-powered vacuum cleaner.

You might start by making a point of making new friends – actively seeking them out instead of waiting for them to drop into your lap. Contrary to what you think, your co-workers can make good friends, and even if they’re not your future bestest of buds, they can introduce you to new people who might. They can expose you to new and exciting opportunities – for socializing, for networking, for getting out of the rut you’ve found yourself in and for dating. And if for whatever reason you can’t be friends with them… you can find friends elsewhere. Join local clubs and meet-ups. Find a church with a younger, more vibrant community that speaks to you. Go out and do stuff because not doing anything between going to work and going home isn’t going to change things.

And don’t assume that going to bars and clubs or drinking is required for friendship or romance. There are many, many places where you can meet amazing women that don’t involve going to places you hate.

You aren’t stuck being forever alone dude. All that’s happened is that you’ve given up. And if that’s what you want to do, that’s cool. But it doesn’t sound like it to me.

So if you want to change that future you’re picturing, you’re going to have to get back up and start taking active control of your life instead of assuming that it’s all been carved in stone. Because it hasn’t. You’re in control. You have options. You have potential. Just reach out and take it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)