DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 32 year old gay man. At least, that’s how I have labeled myself, and my sexual and romantic life has been with men. But I’ve always found some women attractive. More recently, I’ve found myself more and more interested in women. I think now I’m actually now more sexually attracted to women than to men. (It sounds really weird, and it’s been even weirder to live through. But bi people have told me that this experience is really common among them). And I’ve done some things to explore my desires for women — and, yup, they feel as real as any straight guy’s. So I’ve accepted that I’m really bisexual, and I want to make women a part of my life. But the obstacles to doing that seem formidable.

I know that most women won’t date bisexual men. Talking with bi guys on-line, they all have nightmarish stories of constant rejection, so much that some have given up dating women at all. I need to find women who would be open to someone like me. I don’t know how to find them. I know to rule out women who might have some religious or moral objections — no loss there. I also know that I’m open to dating women that many straight men would rule out — older women, “bigger” women (who actually really turn me on, BTW). But I really need some kind of hint as to what women might give me a chance. (FWIW, I am disease-free and would be monogamous in a committed relationship). A bi woman would seem ideal, but a lot of them won’t date bi men either.

I also am intimidated by what I know about the straight dating world. The straight women I know all have horror stories about the things men have done to them. The straight men I know all have stories of frustration finding available women and being subjected to various “head games” by women. But something must work, since most of the people I know are in relationships. I’m also put off by the rigidity of straight dating — the man must initiate, the man must pay for everything, the man is expected to make more money. All of these things are much more flexible in same-sex relationships. I know that women have good reason to be wary of men — I’ve had my own bad experiences with men, so I really understand. But I would probably get frustrated quickly with a woman who expected me to always conform to a fixed role.

I don’t know where this is going. I don’t know whether I want a full-blown romantic relationship with a woman, or something more casual. Unlike a lot of the straight people my age, I’m not looking to get married now! But I know that men wanting to “keep it casual” are a dime a dozen, and women constantly complain about men who won’t commit. Once again, I don’t how to find women who would be interested in a casual relationship where I would still be exploring my sexuality. Maybe a woman who recently got out of a relationship and just wants to have fun would work for me. I might be a better bet for a woman who doesn’t want kids, since I’m now in the stage of life where a lot of women get serious about their biological clocks.

I actually think I could bring a lot to a relationship with a woman. My friends would tell you that I am smart, funny, and charming. I dress well and work out regularly. I have an advanced degree and a solid job. I have plenty of female friends (I haven’t dared to discuss my sexual exploration with most of them, and I wonder how they would take learning that their gay buddy was hot for them — which I am!). I am beginning to think that I am moving into a more heterosexual phase of my life, given how strong my desires for women are. But the obstacles to my achieving fulfillment seem huge — I am scared that I’m going to just end up as another lonely, frustrated guy who dreams of being with women but knows they will never have him.

Bisexual Guy Looking For Chicks

DEAR BISEXUAL GUY LOOKING FOR CHICKS: One of the things that we as a culture have slowly been discovering is that sexuality isn’t binary. Hell, most of the time, it’s not even a spectrum, it’s a combination multi-axis graph and sliding scale and sometimes people will slide around on that graph. While there are folks who are resolutely gay, straight, bi or pansexual, there are also folks who discover that their sexuality has changed over time. Sometimes it’s a case of they’re straight or gay but realize there’s one person who’s outside their preferred gender that just flips their switch and revs their motor. Some times they may be bi or pan but realize that while they may be open to a sexual relationship with people across the gender spectrum, they only have romantic feelings for one gender. And other times, people may start off as completely gay or completely straight and over time discover that their sexuality is more fluid than they realized.

Which is where you are these days, BGLFC. Turns out that your sexuality was more of a moving target than you realized and you’re discovering this new side of yourself. And hey, congratulations on finding these new, fascinating sides of yourself!

Now before we get deep into the weeds here, keep in mind: I’m a straight, cis guy. That’s going to affect my perspective and my dating experiences, so I may have some blindspots and miss things that would be glaringly obvious to someone who’s lived through dating while bisexual. And, as always, I encourage my bi and pan readers to chime in with their own experiences and thoughts in the comments.

So with that in mind: your concerns are reasonable, BGLFC. It seems odd that in the year of our Lord 2019 we’d be in a place where bi and pan people get dumped on by the gay and straight community, but it does happen. There’re a lot of folks who have sh

ty ideas about what it means to be bisexual — that you can’t be satisfied unless you’re in a relationship with people of both (or all) genders at the same time, that you’re actually monosexual and just deluding yourself, that you’re just a stopping point on the way to being fully gay or fully straight… the list goes on and on. The truth is that there are assholes out there and assholes are gonna ass. But the fact that assholes exist doesn’t mean that good people don’t.

There are more good people out there than there are assholes; it’s just that assholes are louder and more visible. The key is to remember that there’s a difference between being more visible and being the majority. It’s especially pernicious when the most visible conforms to your anxieties and fears. It creates a sort of confirmation bias;  you give undue importance to the things that line up with what you already believe and discount the things that don’t conform to those beliefs as being exceptions… if you notice them at all. So when you’re already anxious about trying to start dating in a world you’re unfamiliar with, it’s understandable that you’re going to give greater credence to the nightmare stories. But the fact that they feel more correct doesn’t mean that they are correct. It just lines up with what you expect to hear. And since humans have an inherent bias towards negativity, where negative thoughts or emotions hit us harder than positive ones, it’s natural that those are what you’re going to focus on.

That’s why you have to recognize that some of the fears you have, especially ones that come from second and third-hand stories, are out of proportion to reality. Some of them are simply funhouse mirror versions of reality, where what you’re expecting is a warped, distorted view of how things actually are. Others are letting the negative impressions overwhelm the facts on the ground. Yes, there are women out there who won’t date bi men. That’s not the same as all women, or even the majority. They just loom larger because hey, you’re a bi man. Yes, culturally, guys are taught to be the aggressors. But that doesn’t mean that men have to be the sole active participant while women have to be the passive recipient… and there are plenty of folks on both sides who cheerfully buck those traditions.

Because that’s all they are: traditions. And as a bi man, not only do you stand outside of many of those traditions, but the people you’ll be most compatible with are likely to be non-traditional themselves. Someone who’s comfortable with your sexual fluidity is far less likely to be hung up on traditional gender roles within the relationship.

It’s ok that you’re nervous. You’re entering into a world that’s just different enough from the one you knew to make everything feel new and strange. But while the obstacles that you’re anticipating do exist, there’s a difference between what you fear and what you’re likely to actually encounter. It’s smoke and shadows, making everything look larger, more intimidating and more insurmountable than they actually are. There are things you can do to protect yourself from getting your heart broken. Keep your expectations reasonable at first, without over-investing any one person with too much romantic importance. Maintain and enforce strong boundaries, which will minimize the people who’ll play head games with you. Learn to recognize the people who you’re actually compatible with, not people who you want to be compatible with because hey, they’re hot and some oral would be nice tonight.

But more than anything else: the only way you’re going to overcome these anxieties is to actually put yourself out there and start to confront them. You’re going to need to start actually getting into that dating pool and seeing what the reality is on the ground. You don’t have to dive in head first; you can ease yourself in via apps like OKCupid or Tinder. OKCupid, especially, can be useful for finding women who’re open to dating bi men.

I won’t lie: it can be intimidating. Dating often is, regardless of your sexuality. But intimidating isn’t the same as impossible. Nor is difficult. But nobody promised that it wouldn’t be difficult. They just promised that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, let me say how much I enjoy reading your column. You are funny, smart, and give solid advice. My question is rather simple, but I feel like I am overthinking things.

I am a single 27 year old girl with a very outgoing and witty personality. I make friends all over the place, but I never seem to meet any guys that I want to date. I work two jobs and I’m very involved at my church – so I meet plenty of people, but never anyone that I am interested in or vice versa. I have goals I want to meet and I’m on my way to hitting them. I have had successful relationships in the past. Dating is great – my parents have modeled a great committed relationship to me all my life and it’s something that I want very much, but I feel sort of stuck in my singleness and I don’t like the casual dating thing. I do not want to settle, but work limits my free time right now. What are some things I can do to get myself out there? I’ve tried online dating only to go on bad dates or be ghosted, and mostly get responses from older men looking for a hookup. Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? How can I get myself out there without compromising what I want in a partner? I am feeling very “Forever Alone” as I approach 28.

No Date, No Life

DEAR NO DATE, NO LIFE: First things first: there’s no settling down without settling for, NDNL, and that’s as true with life as it is with dating. When you have multiple goals that you’re pursuing, sometimes those goals are going to conflict with one another.

One of the hardest things about dating is the same as anything else you want to do in life: paying the opportunity cost. There are only so many hours in the day, and any activity you do is going to have to come at the expense at other things you want to do. Having two jobs and being incredibly involved at your church is going to eat up a lot of your time, especially if you want to make sure you have time to do other things like, say, sleep. So that’s going to have to be something you take into consideration as you decide how you want to conduct your love life. You have to decide where your priorities are and what you’re willing to give up in order to achieve them.

If you decide that, seeing as you’re close to your goals – and I assume you mean professionally – then it may make sense to you to focus on those for now and let dating be a lesser priority until you’re not busier than a one-legged woman in an ass-kicking contest. If you really want to find a guy you really click with, that will likely mean deprioritizing other areas in your life. Maybe it means you take longer to achieve those goals. Maybe it means not being quite so involved in your church. Or it may mean learning to be cool with a more casual relationship until you have the time to really invest in something more committed.

The thing to keep in mind is that any of these priorities is just fine, if that’s what you want. If you feel like your time is best spent locking down those goals, then that’s awesome; go get your money! If you feel like you want to pursue love more than your career, then hop on the love train and let’s go. It all depends on what you feel is best and most important for you.

There are ways of meeting dudes beyond lousy Tinder dates. The friends you’re making may not be people you want to date, but they very well may know the guys you would. It certainly wouldn’t hurt to ask if they have any single friends that you might click with. It may also be worth your time to broaden your approach by leveraging your interests and your passions to meet people in person. You’re more likely to find someone you dig at a MeetUp for something you really enjoy than rolling the dice on Tinder or hitting the bars.

And remember: it’s ok if you want to put off relationships for a bit. While it’s understandable that our culture’s obsession with living in your 20s can put a whammy on your head, you have time. Despite any bulls

t you may hear – from men and women alike – about being too old or waiting too long, there’s no such thing as “too late” for love. People fall in love and get married in their 30s, 40s, 60s and 80s. While yeah, some people do die without finding love, you have no idea if that’s going to be you until you actually die.

Now with that having been said: it’s important to recognize that finding a relationship isn’t the end of the story. If you want to keep that relationship, you have to be willing and able to invest in it. And if you don’t have the time to do so… well, meeting the right guy in the right place doesn’t matter if it’s not also the right time.

It can take a little time to figure out just where you want your priorities to be. But just remember: they’re your priorities. You’re allowed to set them where and how you feel is best.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met this girl last summer as a tour guide while I was on vacation. My grandpa talked me into asking her out before we left town, so I gathered up the courage and ended up taking her out two nights in a row, only to sadly leave the next morning…8 hours away back home. We stayed in touch and texted/snap chatted daily, skyping or calling occasionally. I realized from the start something grand was in the midst here, the chemistry was flawless…or so I thought.

I made the massive mistake of not kissing her before I left to go back home. Luckily, she teased me about it in our many all-night-conversations. I managed to make it back for a couple days in September (we met in June). I traveled down with some work friends and stayed with them the first night, going to hang out with my girl then returning, after FINALLY kissing her of course. However, the second night she invited me to stay at her place. We were sitting around watching TV when things started to get hot and heavy. She climbs on top of me and straddles my lap while we make out. We go for a while, and I realize there’s no soldier standing at attention…if you catch my drift. She becomes rather frantic and scurries off to the bathroom.

Now I had recently gotten out of a 3 year relationship that January, she had just come out of a 2 year one in May. I had one other failed attempt with a girl I knew from high school back in May that I simply brushed off as being due to alcohol.

I explained to her that it had nothing to do with her, and that I was just nervous because it had been so long. So we left it at that and I returned back home the next morning. We continued to talk to every day and gradually made conversation about my dreadful embarrassment. I knew by now that I was without a doubt head over heels for this girl. So I knew this problem HAD TO GO.

I began to worry about it in my spare time, in work, and even in classes. “What do I do if it happens again”, ” how can I make sure I do everything right next time and leave her fully satisfied”.

I returned to visit in October, she allowed me to stay with her at her apartment. Things were grand, as they always are, except in the bedroom. Where I faced the same anxious thoughts, leading to the same outcome. I knew it had to be something on a grander scheme than just nerves. So I went searching.

Now the 3 year relationship I was in prior cannot be classified by any me as as “good”. It was an early infatuation brought on by high school shenanigans that made me think I had found the big “L”. Well I ended up fooling around on her, and never told her until I discovered my problem I’m coming with to you today.

I had a brief moment of relief, managed to go back in November and have halfway decent, but not really, sex with this woman I had fallen so deeply for. Still not what either of us wanted though, and she firmly believed I wasn’t attracted to her. Which could not be more wrong.

So we never really hit the “relationship” phase and both agreed that nothing was off limits and we would just classify ourselves as what we had become, which was best friends. Well knowing that I still had a “problem” I wanted to test the waters and see just how big of a problem this was. So I went for a visit to the ex. Not a problem in sight. Actually more clarity that I knew it wasn’t because of buried feelings for her, but nonetheless, the sex was still fun, no problems on my part.

I went back in December and managed to have slightly, but still not great, sex with her. “What is missing from this that makes it easy to just rip off her clothes any hour of the day” I kept thinking to myself. How can someone I find so deeply beautiful, sexy, and astounding be so hard to just pick up and lay down.

So we see each other in February, and the end of April with still little to no real drive in my bones, all the while my anxious thoughts telling me something was wrong with me, and the constant fear that I would mess something up. I arrive the first of May and stay with her for 3 weeks straight. We become close than I ever could have imagined, and the sex definitely got better. She told me later on though, that I left her feeling undesirable because of my lack of physical affection in public, during the day, or just anywhere in general and that it felt like a “white-bread” relationship. We had also decided to try the whole “relationship” badge on while I was there for the summer.

So I struggled and beat myself up over hearing this from the girl I so deeply care about. “How could I do this, I’m so stupid for making her feel this way, she doesn’t deserve this”. So I tried to be more affectionate, only to find my thoughts holding me back, wondering if I’d do something wrong or let her down again.

The love continued to grow though, she traveled with me back to my hometown and I helped move her home for the remainder of the summer. Her home being 3 hours from where her college and my internship were. We made trips to see each other on weekends and finally we dropped the big “L” bomb one weekend at her parents house. I knew it was real.

Well summer has come and gone and I’m now back at college, still talking to her everyday. I went back for a visit last week after being home for about 3 weeks, I notice those irrational fears creeping back in my head, “there’s not much time to spend now, better make it all count” “don’t let her down”. Sure enough, I let her and myself down, big time. I was never able to fully do ANYTHING the whole 3 days I was there. Leading her to become quite tired of trying to counsel me through this.

So I returned back feeling worse than ever, hating myself more than ever, and entering a very depressive state. She told me before I left that she wanted to go back to how things were before summer, meaning that we kinda take the title off and give each other the freedom to do whatever…this hurt me…a lot. I honestly don’t believe she’ll do anything, but it gives her a sort of control to make her feel better and I’ll take anything at this point to not lose her.

I’m going tomorrow to talk to my school counselor, just to try and figure something out. She’s losing patience, and I’m losing my grip.

PLEASE HELP!!

Sincerest regards, 

Good Ol’ Fashioned Lover Boy

DEAR GOOD OL’ FASHIONED LOVER BOY: You know, GOFLB, normally I would have edited the ever-loving hell out of your letter for space. But I left it as it was for a very specific reason. Can you guess why that is?

Here’s a hint:

“gradually made conversation about my dreadful embarrassment”

“So I knew this problem HAD TO GO”

“‘What do I do if it happens again’”

”’how can I make sure I do everything right next time and leave her fully satisfied’”

“Where I faced the same anxious thoughts, leading to the same outcome”

“So I went for a visit to the ex. Not a problem in sight.”

“I notice those irrational fears creeping back in my head,”

“‘there’s not much time to spend now, better make it all count’”

“‘don’t let her down’”.

“Sure enough, I let her and myself down, big time.”

You know damn good and well why you’re having these problems. You just don’t seem to quite get it.

Fun thing about penises, GOFLB: they’re prima-donnas. When you get one that decides that everything isn’t just right? Then they’re going to refuse to work, or they’re going to half-ass it out of protest. And you, my dude, have created a prima-donna in your pants.

It started the first time you couldn’t get it up. After all, the definition of “panic” is “the second time you can’t get it up for the first time”. You care about this woman… and that’s kind of the problem. Notice how you didn’t have any trouble banging one out with your ex? That would be because you couldn’t give a six-legged rat’s ass about what she thinks. She’s your ex, you’re just looking to prove your junk works. One roll in the hay later and hey what do you know, your one-legged soldier can stand at attention just fine.

But when it comes to your dream girl… no joy. You have gotten so far into your own head about how perfect this all has to be that it can’t be perfect. You have created a self-fulfilling prophecy: you worry that your junk isn’t going to work because your junk doesn’t work and then lo and behold… it doesn’t work. Which then makes you worry that it’s not going to work and then it doesn’t. Now you’re freaking out because you can’t get it up, she’s freaking out because she’s convinced that it means something about her which is freaking her out and…

Well.

So. Long story short: you’ve basically taught yourself to be incapable of getting erections or penetrating this woman.

Please notice very carefully that I said “penetrate”, not “have sex with”. Because hey, guess what? There’s more to sex than just your penis. Hey, your penis doesn’t work the way you wish it did. OK, fine. But there are scores of people who have non-functioning or non-existent penises who have bed-rocking, mind-blowing sex.  You can take a few tips from them, ‘cuz you know what doesn’t go soft at inconvenient moments and drives women crazy when used properly? Your tongue. Your hands. Worried that you can’t get off with her – or that it’s going to go too quickly? Get familiar with vibrators and other sex toys. There are any number of ways that you can bang out with your honey, even at times when your penis is refusing to cooperate.

The sooner you take the pressure off your penis to perform, the less you define both your manhood and your relationship by having an erection that could punch through concrete, the more likely you are to get your hard-ons back. Stop treating this like an end-all, be-all and just enjoy things without the pressure to perform and you’ll be just fine.

And failing all of that? You can always smoke a bowl and let your anxieties drift away.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a straight woman, and about a year and a half ago I met a fella named “Sam”. The connection was intense and immediate. Trick is, I was married at the time to “Kyle” but seriously depressed and unsatisfied in that arrangement. I had been trying for years to work on the marriage but Kyle had stopped participating. It felt like I was living with a friendly roommate whom didn’t care if I ever orgasmed or if I was having any fun in the relationship. Seriously. No good sex for like over a decade. And boy did I try! So anyway, along comes Sam and he’s super attentive, touchy and I develop feelings for him that I’ve never felt before. From the moment I meet him Sam is texts me everyday. I decide after about 3 months of this attention that I am going to have an affair. The affair felt like a thing I needed to do for me. I just needed to feel good for a moment after years of feeling awful. We finally get down to it and it’s freaking amazing. He’s literally all the things I’ve wanted in a lover and a friend. After a few weeks of passion, Sam has to return home. We write long letters, cry tears, and feel all the feels together.

I go to therapy for a while and with my doctor, decide that divorce is actually what I want. So I leave my husband and begin work on a new life. This whole time Sam continues texting me everyday. I do some traveling and, admittedly, lose it a little bit as my life crumbles around me and start relying on Sam to feel sane. He is seemingly doing the same thing with me as he is dealing with some crazy family crap. This is all happening but at some point I sense that Sam is pulling away, which is ok. I’m fine with “just friends” if he’d just say that. I understand that people’s feelings and situations change. Instead, he continues texting regularly and being flirty but at a superficial level. It’s super confusing.

After a few months we decide that he’ll come visit me and I literally get the text “let’s meet up and have some sex!” so I’m feeling pretty good about my chances. What I’d really like to happen is to have some fun with a person I trust within an intimate friendship. We don’t live in the same state and I’m uninterested in a long-distance commitment. So he comes to visit and does all the things that make me believe that sex is going to happen. He gets into bed with me, much cuddling, hand holding, intimate talk but when I finally try to put the moves on him he tells me that he’s not ready for that type of attention. He would love to make me feel good but he can’t do it now. I am crushed. I let him know that his actions have led to my confusion and if he wants to be friends he needs to stop touching me and stop with the flirting. He does neither for the rest of the trip. After I express that I’m uncomfortable with him being unable to respect my boundaries. He tells me that I should just accept love in the way that it comes or I’m going to have a hard time of it. I think this is utter BS.

So, because I’m a sucker, I figure that he just needs more time. Maybe he just feels weird about my divorce and our affair? I’d give up on him if he would stop contacting me all the time. I start to pull away. I go on dates and find a fun lover to get me out of the funk. Fast forward a few months and he keeps on mentioning that I should visit him. He tells me his libido is back. He tells me that he misses my breasts. He buys a new bed and sends pictures. I agree because why not see this thing through? My expectations are super low though. All I want to do is go and have a nice time. Sex isn’t necessary and I’ve made my boundaries clear.

So now I’m there. He has a new bed but I’m on an air mattress that he gets into every morning and presses his morning erection against me. Neck kisses. The whole jam. I let it happen thinking that he wouldn’t do it to me all again. Pfft. There is no sex and he starts getting super grumpy. I leave disappointed, rejected, confused and just totally done with the situation. After a last text, I tell him that I don’t like the way I’m being treated and I’d like to step back and take an extended break with hopes that we’d reconnect in the future as friends. I don’t think he’s a monster and I do think he actually cares about me but I can’t keep throwing love down the Sam hole. It’s all just too unhealthy for me.

He did text me last week and I responded but it was too soon and I went back to my silence when he replied. I just need to get my brain together without him intruding into my day to day. As of now, I’m unsure if I’ll ever reach out to him again. I guess my question is, what the hell happened? I truly don’t think I did anything wrong or offensive but I don’t understand his behavior at all. I know I made the right choice to step away by why do I keep on thinking about him all the time?

Thanks, 

Confused and Hopefully Done

DEAR CONFUSED AND HOPEFULLY DONE: When things in your relationship suddenly change, it can be worth examining what else has changed at that time. And in your case… I suspect it was your marriage. More specifically, it was the fact that you were somebody else’s wife.

There are a lot of guys who will cheerfully bang the hell out of a married woman… but lose all interest when she’s actually not married any more. This could be for any number of reasons; they get an ego-boost from getting convincing somebody to cheat, they like the extra-hard orgasms they get knowing that she’s also sleeping with someone else, they prefer to bang women who’re completely unavailable to them… the list goes on and on.

Considering that Sam starts pulling away around the same time you start getting your life together and leave your husband? This, I suspect is not a coincidence. Now that you’re a free woman again you might have expectations of him… like, y’know, maybe actually dating. Doesn’t matter that you don’t actually want to tie him down; a lot of guys tend to think that EVERY woman is just angling to trap them into a relationship.

So why is he still being all flirty and lovey-dovey with you if he doesn’t actually want you? Who knows. It could be he’s backburner-ing you, keeping you interested just in case he decides that he happens to ride into town and decides that getting laid would be nice that night. He might be a manipulative jackass who just gets off on knowing that you want him. He could very well not realize he’s doing this and be somewhat frustrated and mystified why he can’t get interested enough to sleep with you.

Thing is: none of that matters. His reasoning is well and truly secondary to this truth: this is a toxic situation and the best thing you can do is cut your losses and go.

Why do you keep thinking about him? Because we as a species hate ambiguity and unclosed circles. His behavior makes no sense to you and so your brain is running around trying to figure out why. But at the end of the day: he’s just a dick. So let that be your answer: he acts like that because he’s a dick.

Let that be your closure and consign him to the Halls of Lovers Past. You had some good times, some naughty fun and emotional validation at a time when you needed it, but then it came to an end. Turns out he’s a dick and you’re well rid of him.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 38 year old woman that has only participated in monogamous relationships in my life. Until D. D has been a friend of mine for about 5 years and 2 months ago we both admitted that we’ve had crushes on each other for years, but we both assumed the other wasn’t interested. We started dating and for the most part this is one of the healthiest relationships I’ve ever had. So there’s only one catch.

D is polyamorous. I knew this long before we started even thinking about dating and when we first began hooking up he already had two partners. His more recent partner, N, is also poly and she took the news of me becoming part of his polycule with minimal insecurities. His other partner, J, on the other hand…

J is not polyamorous and plays a lot of head games with D. She tells him that she doesn’t mind that he’s poly but when he started seeing N and me, she guilt tripped him by telling him “I just wish I was good enough for you.” When he and I started dating she completely freaked out and insisted he call it hanging out because dating was what they do, not he and I.

This was the point where I put my foot down. I made it very clear that if I’m taking a chance on being with someone who is poly, I refuse to be part of a situation where his other partner tries to diminish and erase me. D is very bad at standing up for things that he wants, but when it became clear that I was not going to stay in this relationship if he continued to allow her to try to make me gone, he talked to her and made it clear that we are both his girlfriends and she needs to accept it if she wants to be with him. And she’ll pretend to be fine for awhile, then have another freak out where he just has to take care of her, especially when she knows he and I or he and N are spending time together.

So at this point we have an ongoing pattern of her being emotionally manipulative and sometimes even abusive in order to try and get him away from me and N. And for me it’s beyond frustrating. I’ve legitimately reached the point where if he brings her up I mentally cringe because I don’t know if telling him he needs to get away from her is a line I can cross as his other girlfriend. I don’t think I’m jealous of her because it doesn’t bother me at all when he talks about or spends time with N. But when I know he’s gonna be with her I get angry and nauseous. She doesn’t have to be my friend, but I deserve better then J constantly ignoring or trying to erase my value to D.

Any thoughts or advice would be really appreciated.

Thanks!

Polyamory Is Confusing

DEAR POLYAMORY IS CONFUSING: So let’s put this out there right away, PiC: no, you’re not being jealous and J is absolutely crossing a line. Several lines. She’s running up and down a football field at this point.

Here’s the thing about poly relationships: there are many, many ways of doing them. There are triad relationships where everyone is dating one another. There are poly relationships where two parties are both dating a third, while not involved with one another. Some poly relationships are hierarchical with a primary partner, while others have everyone on the same footing. And if you’re going to be in a poly relationship, you need to be pretty clear up front over what kind it is. 

Which leads to the problem that you and N are having with J. You two entered this relationship under the expectation of being equal. J clearly has other ideas. And the problem is that your boy D doesn’t seem to be willing to actually follow the rules that you are all presumably working under.

Now the biggest problem here is that J is poly under duress. It’s clear that this is the only way that she can have a relationship with D and she has, technically, agreed to it. And since she’s not happy being poly, she’s determined to do whatever she can to control the situation. D may be poly, but J is trying to make sure that he’s only poly in name. If she had her way, you two wouldn’t be in the picture at all. And since she knows she can’t just demand that D dump you both, she’ll just try to manipulate him and occupy all his time.

Now I’ve seen this literal situation play out before and I’m here from the future to tell you that this is going to end badly for everyone, messily and all over the place. The only question is how long it’s going to take and how much screaming and crying is going to result.

In an ideal world, D would realize that he needs to actually put his foot down — not in the half-assed way he’s been doing it thus far, but laying down firm boundaries, letting J know that if she’s going to be in this relationship, she has to quit playing stupid head games.

But it’s not an ideal world, so you and N are going to have to have a come-to-Jesus meeting with him about this. J’s head games affect the two of you, so the two of you need to present a united front. The two of you need to tell D exactly how J has been screwing with the two of you, and how it’s affecting your relationship with him. It’s not right, it’s not cool and it’s materially affecting everyone.

And while it may not seem fair… it may be necessary for you and N to consider throwing down an ultimatum. He doesn’t necessarily have to dump J (but he should) but he sure as hell needs to be willing to stand up to her.

Why talk to D and not confront the source directly? Well… because honestly, it’s not going to do anything. J wants you gone. She’ll quite cheerfully claim ignorance or try to flip it around on you and then go running to D and claim that you are bullying her. J is a habitual line-stepper and gaslighter and while have no real problem making this about how you’re actually the baddies in this situation.

Plus: while D isn’t the only person in this relationship, he is the one who’s refusing to stand his ground or enforce his boundaries.

N is your ally and fellow victim of this BS. Talk to her. Make common cause. And then the two of you confront D with this. And if he’s not willing to stand up to one of his partners in the name of preserving and improving his relationships… well, then maybe he’s not somebody you should be in a poly relationship with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 30. Never been in a relationship. I’m considered good looking. However I’m deaf but I don’t sign.

I have no problems whatsoever getting dates online. I’ve gotten much better on my dates. More daring, more in charge. More confident. But the problem is…I never seen the women again. The dates never lead to third or a formation of a relationship.

We chat lots online, they’re very very keen on me.

We meet for a date, have a great time. I’m leading them. We connect.

Have amazing conversation. I’m a gentleman who has everything planned, no doubts. Take them to places that I know they will like.

We hold hands, kiss, flirt. Spend hours talking and laughing. Sometimes I take them back to mine for you know what (with the intention of seeing them again). We make plans to meet again. They text me they’ve had a great time and thank you. They say I’m a great kisser. One girl said she couldn’t wait to see me next week.

Then a few days later…radio silence! I try to text the woman…I can tell they’re disinterested, more flakey. Their texts are shorter. Boring. I ask then what’s up? They either say nothing or they will say “you’re such a great gentleman but no spark” “I’ve had a fantastic time but no chemistry sorry.” “I don’t have time to date sorry or I’ve met someone else”

It’s getting me so frustrated and so depressed . I’ve been on 85 dates this year with different women and this keeps happening. I want a relationship, I’m sick of dating so many different women only for them all to disappear or to tell me I’m a great gentleman but not for them. I can’t seem to be for anyone! I want to be the chooser not the chaser.

Could you please help me? I’ve tried reading all your books but it doesn’t seem to cover my issue. I’m really really desperate as I’m getting older. All of my friends have partners, married. Kids etc.

I’ve asked my family and my friends about my issue and they think it’s my deafness that is subconsciously putting them off.

Thanks

Hard of Feeling

DEAR HARD OF FEELING: These are the questions I hate getting, HoF because there isn’t really a clear answer. I’m not there to silently spy on your dates, so I can’t really say what it is that you may or may not be doing that puts people off. Generally, if someone’s going to ghost you, it’s because they’ve lost interest or they weren’t that interested in the first place.

It’s one of the frustrating truths about modern dating that many times, we tend to have a hard time telling people that we’re not interested. It’s a lot easier to just say “yeah, I’d love to do this again” even when you know damn good and well that you’re not going to call again. It’d be nice if people could muscle up and say what they actually mean… but they don’t. And that leaves many of us confused and frustrated and having to try to figure out just where things went wrong.

That means looking for points of commonality. And in this case, those seem to be few and far between. When they seem engaged and enthusiastic on those dates — even coming back to your place for the you know what in the you know where with the you know who — and still lose interest afterwards, then we have a couple of possibilities, none of them fun.

First is to accept that yes, it’s possible that your being hard of hearing is turning people off. They may be ok in the moment, but what’s acceptable in the short term — over the span of a couple hours, even for a hook-up — may not be something they think they can handle in the long-term. The potential inconveniences of dealing with someone who can’t hear may start to sink in the more they think about seeing you again. That may well be the dealbreaker for them.

Alternately, it may be how you handle the dismount… er, as it were. Some folks are great on the first date, but get less appealing over time. Sometimes they let the charm drop or they turn out to be complete dicks. And then there’s the guy who tried to drag  the world to hell after he slept with someone. But that’s another story never mind. It’s possible that there’s something that you do after the first date that turns people off and that’s why they start getting less and less interested.

Or it could be that you’re not great at maintaining the vibe or excitement after that first date. You may get a little too clingy or enthusiastic, expecting (or giving) levels of intimacy and closeness that aren’t warranted by the relationship you have. You may not be texting with the same charm or verve that you were beforehand. Or you might be not be texting at all except to try to set up the next date.

Of course there’s the possibility that they’re just not enjoying the sex or the dates.

But it could also be none of those things. As frustrating as it may be, it could just as easily be that you’ve had a string of bad luck, with people who weren’t compatible with you in the long term. Dating is a numbers game, and sometimes you are going to get a lot of false positives — especially over online dating — and first dates to nowhere. Sometimes the problem has absolutely nothing to do with you and the only thing you can do is grit your teeth and keep trying.

Which is the most likely? Unfortunately, I can’t tell you. If you have the opportunity, then I’d suggest talking with friends who know you, friends who you can trust to give it to you straight. If you have an ex or two that you’re on good terms with, then getting their input could be valuable.

Otherwise? It’s time to do some journaling and some A/B testing. Keep a detailed journal of your dates, what you said, how you said it, what you did, everything. Over time, you may see patterns develop that you couldn’t see otherwise. And as you track your results, try doing things differently. See what happens if you change up your routine or the way you usually handle your dates. It may well be that making changes will get you the results you’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)