DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 39 year old male. I am a research faculty at a prestigious university in the US. I have been married for 10 years, and have two beautiful kids. Me and my wife were lovers and married after ~3 years of courtship. The problem(s) began about year after our second child was born. My wife has been steadily losing interest in sex. We talked about this, and she said she was afraid of getting pregnant, so I had myself snipped. I have no regrets about that decision. But after everything she is just closed off. I have to almost beg to have sex. She said I am aging, and I do not have energy. I am sure on some level she is right. But I feel frustrated. I love her. She loves me, but the physicality in us seems to have ended. About 6 months ago we had a massive fight over this issue. Things were a bit better and then everything went back to being worse. Everytime I broach the subject I come across as a nymphomaniac. But truth be told, I think she is the sexiest woman I know. I do not know what to do.

At My Wits End!!

DEAR AT MY WITS END: Questions about sexless marriages are becoming one of the most common questions I get these days, AMWE and tends to be one of the most divisive topics I get. There is a lot of cultural expectation to tell the person with the higher libido to deal with it because hey, it kinda sucks to have no real interest and have someone pawing at you. But at the same time, this is unfair to someone who wants intimacy with their partner or to treat sex as something that is so unimportant that one should just be able to go without it… right up until they go looking for it elsewhere. Or suggesting that both partners work out an equitable exchange – less sex overall, but the lower libido’d partner giving the higher libido’d partner a helping hand or mouth on occasion.

And then there are the common answers of “well, high-libido-having-person,have you considered doing more $GENDERED_ACTIVITY_HERE, whether it be do more chores (for men, generally) or be more seductive (for women, generally) without considering the vast multitudes of reasons why people quit being interested in sex, all the while trying to tip-toe around answers like “they are just done with sex” or “they are done with sex… with you.”

Needless to say, the expectation to dance around the topic and get blunt makes things frustrating for everyone involved.

But let’s deal with your situation. Before I could give you an answer, I’d want to know a lot more about your circumstances because there more x-factors that affect libido than a loudmouth with a blog can account for. Childbirth, obviously, is a big one; not only does the actual, physical act of giving birth tend to kill one’s desire for sex for quite some time but raising the kid means that couples rarely have the time or energy for sex. To start with: dealing with a squalling ball of constant poop, piss and vomit means that you’re not going to be feeling terribly sexy at the best of times, and that’s without getting into issues like not having a full night’s sleep. When you get a couple hours shut-eye out of every 24, you’re not really going to be interested in doing anything horizontal besides napping.

Other issues like what medication your wife is on would make a difference as well. There are a number of drugs, especially SSRIs, that will absolutely crater your libido to nothing and neither love nor money nor Ryan Gosling stripped naked and dipped in cheese could create so much as a twitch in one’s nethers.

And then there are emotional issues. Not just things like depression but simply feeling neglected or taken for granted; when one partner feels like they’re left doing all the drudge-work or responsibilities for the family, it’s very easy to lose interest in sex. It becomes just one more goddamn chore, no matter how sexy one’s partner thinks they are.

It could be that she’s gotten bored of the sex you’ve been having, especially if it’s not necessarily the sex she wants to have. Or it could just be that she’s done with sex. It may never have been much of a priority for her and two kids later, she’s decided that was enough. Or, and I hate to say it, it could well be that she’s done with sex with you.

I’d also want to know how she feels about her lack of a sex drive. Is she upset about it? Or is this something that she’s ok with?

The varying reasons she has for not wanting to have sex leads me to believe that there’s another, bigger one lurking under the surface that she may not want to actually tell you. Not that her other reasons aren’t equally true but they’re less… confrontational… than what the real reason might be. And unfortunately, that reason may very well be something you can’t do anything about and your coming at her for nookie is just pissing her off because she doesn’t want to tell you how she really feels.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I don’t think you’re the bad guy here. There’s nothing wrong with wanting intimacy and affection from your partner. There’s nothing wrong with wanting sex or wanting sex with your spouse. It’s an important part of making a relationship work. But getting the spark back means figuring out why it’s gone in the first place and just asking for a blowjob ain’t gonna do that.

The best thing you two can do is to get to a marriage counselor – preferably a sex-positive one who isn’t going to treat your sex drive as the problem – and dig into the underlying causes. But until you can determine the source, whether it be physical, neurochemical, emotional or situational, give your wife a break. Having more fights about why you aren’t having sex isn’t going to solve the problem and will only make things worse. Grab a Tenga, hop onto PornHub and take care of things on your own while you both figure things out. It’s an inconvenience in the short term, but one that may help ensure that you’ll have a long-term.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hi Doc,

I’m very bummed out because women don’t like my photos…I have been putting them on photofeeler to get them rated for online dating and getting awful ratings. I realize that they aren’t professionally done, but I still don’t get how they can be THAT bad. I even think that I look good in them so I am very confused and it’s killing my self confidence!

Please Help!

Not So Hot Or Not

DEAR NOT SO HOT OR NOT:

This is the dating equivalent of “Doctor doctor, it hurts when I do this.”

Well, then stop doing that.

As with the joke, there’s an easy solution here dude: quit putting your pictures up on rating sites. You’re not getting an accurate representation of your actual attractiveness, you’re getting the opinions of bored people who have decided that the best use of their time is to dump on people who aren’t Instagram thirst-traps. Ignoring the fact that sites like that can be gamed really easily by assholes, there are people who will look for anything that isn’t 100% perfection and insist that this makes that person an unlovable troll. You can go through a dozen subReddits and find guys who swear up and down that they wouldn’t bang Megan Fox with a borrowed dick because of her thumbs or that Lupita Nyong’o isn’t hotter than rocket fuel because of her skintone.

Similarly, very minor things, from the way you look at the camera to the angle of the light and shadow on your face can utterly change how you come across in photos. Squinting, a less-than-flattering hairstyle, framing or an awkward pose can make you look night-and-day different from a photo taken five minutes later. If you check out the Tinder roundtable, you can see how much slight differences in photos affect how women feel about the person in them. Take a lesson from women: for every selfie they post, there’s about a dozen on the camera roll that never saw the light of day. Same with professional photographers: you’ll take a metric-assload of photos and discard all but the best. So don’t just treat your dating profile pics like a one-and-done.

Now that having been said, the quality of your photographs can affect a lot too. You may want to consider finding a professional photographer – especially someone who can do candid portraiture – to handle your main profile pictures and add the others in sparingly.

Photofeeler is a useful tool, but only to a limited degree. Don’t rely on it exclusively; you’d do well to also consult with friends whose opinions you trust who you can also trust to be honest without being cruel.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was hoping you might be able to give me an outsider’s perspective on something I’ve been thinking about lately:

Celibacy.

Not taking a vow, or asexuality, and not dealing with involuntary celibacy from not being able to find a partner, but voluntary celibacy, that has lasted longer than anticipated. I should probably explain my situation, now.

When I was a younger man, after an experience that caused me to question what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and why with her specifically (I will only say it involved a bad pseudo-friends-with-benefits breakup, and a rebound fling that I really regret, but is in the past and I’ve dealt with the emotional baggage), I decided that I would start waiting to have sex with anyone until I knew where things where going, and more importantly, that it was someone I actually wanted to be involved with. It became one of my Rules. A Rule that has actually served me pretty well up to now.

In college, I didn’t date very much, and what dating there was, was usually limited to first dates, and a handful of second dates. I never really felt anything with any of these girls, though, even the ones I considered friends before going out with, and because I wasn’t worried about getting laid at the end of the night, I like to think I was able to see more clearly that it wasn’t working.

Now, I’ve stuck with this Rule for a while… and I’m wondering if somewhere along the line I made a mistake setting things in stone. Honestly, I recognize a huge part of that is that I realized how long it’s been since I’ve actually had sex… and, well, to be completely frank (we’re all presumably adults here) pressure is building.

I’m starting to feel a lot like Josh Hartnett towards the end of “40 Days and 40 Nights”… only it’s been about 73 times longer than 40 days.

So it’s been that long since I’ve been with anyone, and my last couple attempts (I’m positive enough not to call them failures, because I do recognize in retrospect I shouldn’t have tried having a relationship with them.) at dating have me thinking… “Maybe I should have just done it, had some fun, and gone forward with a clearer head.” 

Especially the last girl, who… I ended up not seeing after the second date, mainly because things started to get heated really fast on that second date, and even though I stopped to explain to her I wanted to wait a few more dates before having sex, and she said she understood and respected that… she kept going for my belt buckle until I made her stop… I was extremely uncomfortable with that.

Even though I’d never pressure a woman into doing anything she didn’t want to, I know it happens all the damn time, and, I kind of know what it feels like now, so I’m just even more against anything that isn’t enthusiastic consent. I had that thought later in the day, actually… that if the roles had been reversed, that I was her and she was me… there probably would have been a fairly decent chance I would have been raped that night… and that was basically what told me “Don’t go out with her again.”

Which should say something, because I’m almost half wondering if I should have just gone through with it. That is how desperate I’m starting to feel. That maybe I should have had sex with someone who, when sex was on the table, I realized it was a red flag about that person.

That thought has me reeling. I’m wondering if I missed something. Maybe I should have reevaluated this sooner, and maybe I’m missing red flags now, because even though it helped my see them in the past, my Rule might now be causing me to miss them.

I am confused, horny, and seriously considering that some Rules are meant to be broken.

Help?

Sincerely,

Questioning The Rules

DEAR QUESTIONING THE RULES: You know why I really hate 40 Days and 40 Nights?

Because it’s one of the most messed-up movies I’ve seen in a long, long time. There’s not a single thing to recommend to it and just about everyone in it is a cretin. First, you’ve got the main character’s brother – a priest – who seems to have forgotten that part of the point of the priesthood is to provide advice, comfort and support for your flock – especially when, y’know, he’s trying to actually follow some of the rules of your religion. Then there’s the large crew of jerk-asses that he calls his friends for some reason – and a more toxic band of morons you will never see. The writing is hackneyed, relying on some of the hoariest of tropes to maintain stupid drama that can only be kept up if the characters are unable to have a five minute conversation, the “good girl” character is profoundly unsympathetic and then you’ve got the ex.

You know.

The one who rapes the main character. And it’s played for laughs.

And then he has to apologize to his girlfriend. Who’s mad at him. For being raped.

(Stick with me here, there’s a point to all of this.)

The gag, of course, is that “hey, Josh Hartnett got laid, it’s not all that bad!”; it’s part of the standard definition of masculinity where men are walking poles looking for any available hole. There’s no question ever about the fact that Harnett’s constantly having people pushing in on his boundaries, ignoring him when he’s telling them “no” and pushing him to give up on something he feels he needs to do for his own emotional health and well-being. Nope, it’s all about the idea that “woah, one dude was able to go cold-turkey, that’s unpossible!” and that apparently being celibate for that long gives him magic orgasm powers.

Now granted, I don’t expect nuanced views of human sexuality from a comedy whose poster is a gag about a dude’s crotch, but it is possible to have a raunchy sex-comedy and manage to actually not treat somebody’s libido as a joke.

So after that long digression, let me bring this back to you, QTR.

You decided that, for your own emotional well-being, you needed to be willing to cut back on sex. You’d decided that you want to wait until there’s at least something going on with the relationship – you don’t specify whether you mean three to five dates, emotional commitment, exclusivity or what, but hey, your junk, your rules. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. You have the right to set your standards for sex to what you want them to be and three to five dates – which seems to be the implication later on – isn’t an unreasonable standard, if longer than I would wait personally. Now in full honesty, I think by setting the standard where you did, you may have voluntarily limited your dating pool considerably; a lot of women are likely to think 5 dates is a bit extreme. That’s 5 weeks of dating somebody, assuming a once-a-week date… that’s a lot to (ahem) swallow.

But hey, there are women out there who’d prefer to wait a bit before going to bed with a guy. So that’s not really the issue here.

No, the issue here is the reasons for holding on to that rule in the first place, and when or if it’s time to let it go. On the one (very hairy) hand, you’re backed-up, and being painfully horny is known to inspire dudes into making bad decisions. On the other hand, you’ve been holding on to this rule for eight years now. This is something you started because you were trying to heal from a bad break-up and a regrettable fling. And… dude… I’ve had sex that I’d rather not have had in retrospect, but 8 years is a long damn time to be holding on to that attitude. You say you’ve dealt with the emotional baggage of the events that inspired this rule.

So you have to ask yourself: do you still need this, or are you holding on to it out of habit? Because frankly, it sounds like the latter rather than the former. And to be perfectly honest, I’m kind of wondering if this rule of yours has become a way of trying to insulate yourself from pain by driving people away.

I’m not the one who can make that decision for you. You’re going to have to do some soul-searching about whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. If you feel like it’s something that’s benefitting you, then adjust things a little. Be willing to take things on a sliding scale rather than an absolute, arbitrary pre-requisite. Get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga to cope with the need to seed and consider looking for women who have the same take-it-slow attitude that you do.

If you decide that perhaps it’s time to be willing to just go out and lay some pipe – and there’s nothing wrong with wanting casual sex – then go for it. If you find that maybe that was a mistake, then you can go back to waiting The great thing about setting rules for yourself is that you can decide when they are or aren’t necessary.

But let me be absolutely clear: that date of yours who kept going for your belt-buckle even after you said no? That ain’t cool. I get that you’re horny as hell and kinda wishing that you’d taken advantage of sex that was being offered – or, let’s be honest, pushed on you – but this was someone who was deliberately pushing past your boundaries. You really don’t want to have sex with someone who feels like she’s allowed to ignore your “no” and hopes that she can change it to a “yes” if she keeps going. Having an erection isn’t permission to say “well, he really wants it, even if he says he doesn’t.” The old “your mouth is saying no, but your body is saying yes” cliché doesn’t excuse anything. If the genders had been reversed, we’d be having a very different conversation right now.

Regardless of whether you decide to continue to wait or to bang out as soon as you get the opportunity, you want to be with someone who knows that no means no and yes means yes.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 22 year old male with no sort of relationship or sex experience. I had a 2 week fling in high-school that started and ended basically without my involvement. Of course I do want to get in a relationship, who doesn’t. But, I have a bit of a problem.

I get nervous, especially about one thing: consent. Now, I am not an evil guy (at least I don’t think so), and as such I don’t want to rape. Raping is not a thing I want to do. If I was doing a rape, I would want to not do that thing. Not just for fear of jail, but because it is a thing I would rather not do. But, I hear many horror stories from the Internet, and they scare me.

On one hand, I keep reading about these thick headed numbskulls that, rather than using physical force, bully and coerce with emotional guilt. On the other, I read about vindictive women who, after the act, decide they want to charge the other with I understand that many of those things may be exaggerated, as is literally everything on the Internet, but it still makes me nervous.

How can I be assured that I can protect not only myself, but any hypothetical partner I may have?

Thanks, 

Nervous

DEAR NERVOUS: First of all my dude: those vengeful women you’re worried about are basically the Africanized killer bee attacks of dating. You get a lot of people fear-mongering and exaggerating the claims because it suits their agenda to do so with no facts to actually back things up. Red Pill bros, Men Going Their Own Way and general misogynists love to cry about false rape claims because they want to sell you a narrative of being in danger at all times. The fact of the matter is, you’re more likely to get hit by lightning – twice – than find someone who decided to accuse you of rape because SCREW YOU PENIS. The vast number of false rape claims (which are already statistically insignificant) aren’t rape accusations – that is, accusing someone of having raped them. Those false claims are that the crime occurred, WITHOUT specifying a person as the rapist.

Second of all: there’s a very easy way to make sure that the person you’re wanting to have sex with wants to have sex with you: ASK HER. Enthusiastic consent is the name of the game, man. Making sure you have a yes and that she’s as down to clown as you are means that you don’t have to worry that you’re crossing a line or doing something you’d never want to do. And this doesn’t have to be a mechanical “may I take off your bra, may I touch your left breast, may I touch your right breast” that a lot of people like to claim. Enthusiastic consent can be sexy as hell – from a breathy “I want to kiss you so badly right now” to a good old fashioned “want to fool around?” can get you where you want to be.

So take a deep breath Nervous and quit over-thinking things. Being considerate of the other person’s comfort and interest and just using your words is all it takes to make sure that your partner is as DTF as you are.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for all you’ve written and done over the years, which has done wonders for my confidence. I’m 29, with no real relationship experience to speak of, but I’ve finally started a real dating life. That said, I’m still figuring out what I want in a partner, and I was wondering if you could speak to one aspect that’s been bothering me.

This weekend, I went on a pre-date at a coffeehouse with a girl I met online – let’s call her “Maxine.” I enjoyed our initial texts; she was genuinely interested in my profile and seemed bright and kind. Our talk over coffee was pleasant, and though we enjoyed sharing pictures of our dogs, there was no spark. At one point I mentioned that I don’t watch much TV these days, at which point she asked “So as a millennial, what do you do for your entertainment life if you don’t binge-watch Netflix?”

We kept the conversation up for almost an hour after my confession, but I knew that date had reached a dead-end. I don’t think the question was a joke; Maxine implied that she watches Netflix plenty. For starters, I did not appreciate being stereotyped (by someone of my own generation, nonetheless), nor do I feel obligated to structure my entertainment choices around a Silicon Valley giant. More to the point, her question reflects a concerning trend I’ve observed in online dating profiles: so many of them are dull carbon copies of the stereotypical millennial. Perhaps even the entitled millennial. On Coffee Meets Bagel, for instance, the most common entries I see in the “I like” section are probably: food, travel, and yes, binge-watching Netflix.

I like good food as much as anyone but we need food to survive, so to name it as your favorite thing is redundant. Most of us only have time to travel a couple times a year if that, and there may be plenty of great stuff on Netflix / Hulu / Amazon but most of it just doesn’t interest me now. The answers to my date’s above question are instead: I photograph stuff with a DSLR, play video games, read literature, and go to the symphony. Naturally, I’m looking for someone who can appreciate and respect those activities. They don’t need to pursue those same activities themselves – that would be boring – but I definitely lean towards the intellectual type. Not an arrogant overachiever, just someone smart and passionate about her own intellectual or artistic pursuits. Those troves of profiles – with no interests beyond food, once-a-year travel, and streaming – are not an encouraging sign. Even Maxine, who is clearly intelligent and put care into her profile, turned out to be a disappointment.

My question is: have I set my standards too high, and am I in fact searching for a girl to fit an impossible template rather than just accepting people as they are? If so, how can I recast my ideas about what I want in a date, and if not, is it rude to be more direct? For example, one of my closest friends (“Carly”) explicitly stated in her old profile that she would only date men with a Master’s degree or equivalent levels of education, or higher. This was not a hard rule, but a way to increase the odds of connecting with someone smart. She met her husband online and they now have a beautiful 8-month-old. Like her, I now want to tread the thin line that separates the snobs from, well, people who think my interests are unsexy or don’t care. I just don’t want to come off as a snob myself while doing so, because that seems to be a weakness of mine. For reference, when I was crafting my own CMB profile, I considered writing that I would appreciate if my date could hold a conversation without abusing “like” as a filler word. Carly was sympathetic but dissuaded me.

I have several friends with similarly arcane interests who have had trouble forming relationships, and so I think any advice you can offer would benefit them as well. Looking forward to hearing back!

– Born in the Wrong Century

DEAR BORN IN THE WRONG CENTURY: There are two things going on here.

The first is a basic flaw in online dating. Dating apps definitely have their uses. They make it easy to meet people you might not encounter otherwise, at a pace that you’re comfortable with. They’re also marvelously convenient. After all, where else can you find a date for Saturday night in your pajamas?

(How they got into your pajamas in the first place is between you and them.)

But at the same time, as easy as it is to filter your potential dates, it’s possible to over-filter. One of the problems with online dating is that we’re not built for it. We aren’t attracted to lists of features, we’re attracted to people. As the sage once said, attraction isn’t brains, children, it’s blood; blood screaming at you to work it’s will. Someone may be perfect for you on paper, but they aren’t right for you in person. You get false positives because you only see one aspect of them. You didn’t see the thousands of minuscule cues that dictate whether you’re interested in them, ranging from their smell to the timbre of their voice to the way they treat the bar staff.

And by that same token, you can miss out on people who you’re compatible with because they didn’t list things the right way on their profile or because you dismissed them out of hand when you wouldn’t have if you’d met in person.

Which leads us to the second, larger issue.

I think your biggest problem BitWC is that you’re committing some of the same sins that you’re accusing others of. You’re stereotyping people just as you feel like they’re doing to you. The difference is that you’re using them as a way of separating yourself from others, while your date was using them as a way of trying to find commonalities between the two of you. After all, considering that the number of people who consume media on their tablets, phones and laptops, it’s not unreasonable to assume that someone her age was likely to use Netflix instead of Comcast.

But let’s focus on what you said about the most common phrases in online dating profiles.

You’re not wrong in that just about everyone talks about loving travel or watching shows on Netflix. In fact, that’s something I’ve advised people to avoid doing; it’s better to talk about places you’ve been or want to go to instead of just saying you love travel.

But the fact that they don’t express it in a more appealing way – or that they share a common interest – doesn’t make them basic or unintelligent. The problem here is less in how they phrased things and more in how you’re interpreting them.

Take using “like” as a filler. If you listen to a lot of podcasts, you’ll quickly see how many people — smart, articulate people — say “like”, “um” and “ah” as vocal filler. It’s not because they’re unintelligent, it’s because it’s a sort of verbal pause. It’s a way of letting the brain catch up with the mouth. It also is a way of signalling to the other person or people in the conversation that they’re still going; they’re only pausing to think. And so the other parties know to keep listening instead of ramping up to talk.

Once you stop making assumptions about people because of common morphemes or interests, the easier it becomes to connect with them.

Yes, for example, food is a necessity. It’s near the base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. But the fact that it’s something that we all need doesn’t mean that people don’t love it. For some, food is simply fuel. For others, food is communion. They may derive comfort from eating. They may love the sensual pleasure of particular kinds of food, in the preparation or the consumption.

Food may have a special memory for them or a particular meaning. Or they may simply think that food’s delicious and who doesn’t love to live deliciously?

And then there’s the fact that food and dining is a uniquely communal experience. It’s one that is almost universally tied to hospitality and togetherness. Whether it’s family dinners, sharing a meal on a date or gathering for a celebration, food is a universal experience, something that brings us all together.

The same goes for binge-watching Netflix; in a very real way, it’s become a communal activity. Shows that hit big — Marvel’s Netflix shows, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The Great British Bake-Off, true crime documentaries like The Keepers and so forth —  become part of the national conversation. Keeping up with those shows is a way of creating an instant connection with both your peers and strangers. And don’t forget that part of why binge watching is so common is that it’s actively encouraged by streaming services. Shows are now filmed and released with an eye towards watching them in one or a few sittings. Each episode ends and the next starts within five seconds. It’s a deliberate feedback loop designed to keep you engaged.

(And let’s also keep in mind that in this economy, Netflix may be their main access to pop culture. When going to the movies can cost upwards of $20 per person before you even factor in snacks or parking, streaming services are a reasonably priced alternative).

Now none of this means that you have to love these things in order to date. Nor does it mean that you have to drop your standards. You’re welcome to set your must-haves to whatever level you want. But, as with your friend who decided she wanted to only date people with post-graduate degrees, you have to accept that the higher you set your standards, the smaller your dating pool gets. People with Masters’ degrees (for example) are going to be thinner on the ground than someone with a Bachelor’s or Associate’s degree after all.

(And anyone who’s dealt with academia can tell you: degrees don’t mean you’re smart.)

With that having been said, you also a have to recognize that when you’re dismissing people out of hand for having common interests, you’re not giving them the same courtesy that you’re asking of them. You say they don’t have to share your interests, but they have to at least respect them. The same goes with you. If you want someone who can appreciate your love of photography and reading, then you need to be willing to extend the same to their interests.

If you want somebody who will try to engage with you about why you love your passions, then do the same for them. Model for them the behavior you’d like to see. Show them how you’d like them to approach your interests by demonstrating curiosity about theirs. Instead of assuming things about them because they have common interests, see if you can connect with them about why they love the things they do. Just because they binge Netflix doesn’t mean that they’re mindlessly consuming it. Just because they love food doesn’t mean that they’re just shoving Bachelor Chow into their faces. Hone in on the passion and the reasoning behind it.

If they binge shows on streaming services, then why those shows? Is it the characters and their relationships? Is it the way the plot is structured? If they love travel, then why? Where do they love to go? What motivates them and what would their dream vacation be?

If you look beyond your assumptions about what their interests mean, you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that they have intellectual curiosity and ambition that you didn’t expect.

Does this mean that they’re all going to be compatible with you? Not necessarily. Dating is a numbers game, after all. But by not dismissing people out of hand, you’re not needlessly cutting out people who may not be perfect for you on paper… but might be great for you if you look a little deeper. And when you give them the courtesy of looking beyond the surface, you encourage them to do the same for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time advice asker. So I’m 39, a few months shy of the big 4-0, and looking to rejoin the social world and dating scene. I say rejoin because about four years my clinical depression and anxiety combined to make me such a paranoid wreck that I was afraid to go to work because I thought I’d get fired. Naturally I got fired after not showing up, then slowly had me car repo’d and nearly evicted from my apartment (my parents settled with the landlord). So at 35 I had to move in with my parents (in Florida, which is a whole other thing), a horrifying blow to my self esteem, not to mention that my mother and I have a better relationship when we live in separate states than under the same roof. Depression and no health insurance and such stress led me to substance abuse and more fights with my mother (who doesn’t always believe that mental illness is a real thing, something that’s sabotaged alot of my attempts at self improvement).

Things started to look up when after a year and a half I was approved for SSDI (federal disability), which gave me a (not that large) monthly check and more importantly, Medicare insurance which meant psychiatrist and therapist. I got just enough self respect for myself that after another fight with my mother, I up and ran away (actually was scheduled to visit a friend out of state and just never went back home, friend was nice enough to rent me a room for a year). Now through a relative, I’m renting a small house in a not so great neighborhood at reduced rent in exchange for maintenance on it. I’m seeing a good therapist and my medication regimen is … resolving itself. I feel ready to rejoin the world at large as part of my journey to becoming a real adult (back to a job and self sufficiency).

My problem is that I am still on disability and you never realize how often people ask “what do you do” in conversations. Aside from the financial restrictions, there is a lot of stigma around people on welfare (being a white male magically deflects alot but not all of it). It makes my mental illness front and center, whereas in my previous life, I could deflect until I actually thought that a date might lead to more dates. I’m not ashamed of my mental illness, but alot of people are thrown off by it, have strange assumptions about it or just assume I’m faking for the disability (they seriously do not understand how meager it is, or what an ordeal it is to get).

TL;DR question: How would you advise this topic be addressed, or even more general advice for someone in my situation?

Dating While Disabled

DEAR DATING WHILE DISABLED: First of all, DWD, I suggest you go read my advice to Sandy Ravage from a few weeks back, who also wanted to know about how to date while having a mental illness. I’ll tell you the same thing I told him: as a general rule, I believe that the more your condition will affect your relationship together, the sooner you should disclose it. However, if it’s something that isn’t going to be immediately apparent, then in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with holding off a little so that the other person gets a chance to know you as an individual, rather than as whatever image pops in their mind when they hear words like “disability”.

But let’s take a moment to talk about the practical side of things. The fact that you’re on disability isn’t shameful, nor should you be ashamed of it. One of the things that makes this country great — and hearing people dismiss it makes me grind my teeth in frustration — is how we care for people who are otherwise disadvantaged or may need a hand. The fact that we have services that let you get the help you need and live a life with independence and dignity is a testimony to the dream of America.

Unfortunately, people are people and assholes are gonna ass. So there will be people who’ll look down on you for being on disability.

And frankly forget those people. They’re doing you a favor by filtering themselves out of your dating pool. The last thing you need is to waste a nanosecond wondering about how to get the approval of a judgmental asshat.

Here’s the thing: you are more than your job — or your lack thereof. When someone asks you what you do, you don’t necessarily need to tell them “oh, I’m unemployed”. Presumably you have things that you love — hobbies, interests, passions that you pursue regularly. Any of those are a perfectly valid answer to the question of “what do you do”. It may not be how you make your living, but they define you more thoroughly and more accurately than whether or not you have an office job or take part in the gig economy.

Now, if someone starts getting especially curious or wants to know what you do for a living, you can be a bit evasive. You can tell them you have various income streams, you do odd jobs, you work as a handyman (which is, strictly speaking, true) until you feel like they’re someone you can safely open up to. If they’re someone who’s going to judge you about issues that are out of your control… well, then they don’t need the whole story, do they?

But I want you to remember the other thing I told Sandy Ravage. Never let somebody else’s dismissal of your health or your disability get you down. The fact that you’re on disability isn’t a mark of shame, it’s a sign that you’re a goddamn fighter. You have faced a crisis that has broken people and destroyed lives. Yet not only did you survive, but you recovered. You got out of a horrible situation and fought tooth and nail to get the help and resources you need. And while your life may not be wine and roses, you have dragged yourself out of Hell by your fingernails and rebuilt your life and sanity with your bare hands.

That is something you should be proud of. It’s a testimony to your strength, your grit and your resilience. And anyone who’s worth dating will recognize that instead of falling for Calvinist bulls

t and assuming that your situation is the result of weakness or moral failure.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)