DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was hoping you might be able to give me an outsider’s perspective on something I’ve been thinking about lately:

Celibacy.

Not taking a vow, or asexuality, and not dealing with involuntary celibacy from not being able to find a partner, but voluntary celibacy, that has lasted longer than anticipated. I should probably explain my situation, now.

When I was a younger man, after an experience that caused me to question what I was doing, who I was doing it with, and why with her specifically (I will only say it involved a bad pseudo-friends-with-benefits breakup, and a rebound fling that I really regret, but is in the past and I’ve dealt with the emotional baggage), I decided that I would start waiting to have sex with anyone until I knew where things where going, and more importantly, that it was someone I actually wanted to be involved with. It became one of my Rules. A Rule that has actually served me pretty well up to now.

In college, I didn’t date very much, and what dating there was, was usually limited to first dates, and a handful of second dates. I never really felt anything with any of these girls, though, even the ones I considered friends before going out with, and because I wasn’t worried about getting laid at the end of the night, I like to think I was able to see more clearly that it wasn’t working.

Now, I’ve stuck with this Rule for a while… and I’m wondering if somewhere along the line I made a mistake setting things in stone. Honestly, I recognize a huge part of that is that I realized how long it’s been since I’ve actually had sex… and, well, to be completely frank (we’re all presumably adults here) pressure is building.

I’m starting to feel a lot like Josh Hartnett towards the end of “40 Days and 40 Nights”… only it’s been about 73 times longer than 40 days.

So it’s been that long since I’ve been with anyone, and my last couple attempts (I’m positive enough not to call them failures, because I do recognize in retrospect I shouldn’t have tried having a relationship with them.) at dating have me thinking… “Maybe I should have just done it, had some fun, and gone forward with a clearer head.” 

Especially the last girl, who… I ended up not seeing after the second date, mainly because things started to get heated really fast on that second date, and even though I stopped to explain to her I wanted to wait a few more dates before having sex, and she said she understood and respected that… she kept going for my belt buckle until I made her stop… I was extremely uncomfortable with that.

Even though I’d never pressure a woman into doing anything she didn’t want to, I know it happens all the damn time, and, I kind of know what it feels like now, so I’m just even more against anything that isn’t enthusiastic consent. I had that thought later in the day, actually… that if the roles had been reversed, that I was her and she was me… there probably would have been a fairly decent chance I would have been raped that night… and that was basically what told me “Don’t go out with her again.”

Which should say something, because I’m almost half wondering if I should have just gone through with it. That is how desperate I’m starting to feel. That maybe I should have had sex with someone who, when sex was on the table, I realized it was a red flag about that person.

That thought has me reeling. I’m wondering if I missed something. Maybe I should have reevaluated this sooner, and maybe I’m missing red flags now, because even though it helped my see them in the past, my Rule might now be causing me to miss them.

I am confused, horny, and seriously considering that some Rules are meant to be broken.

Help?

Sincerely,

Questioning The Rules

DEAR QUESTIONING THE RULES: You know why I really hate 40 Days and 40 Nights?

Because it’s one of the most messed-up movies I’ve seen in a long, long time. There’s not a single thing to recommend to it and just about everyone in it is a cretin. First, you’ve got the main character’s brother – a priest – who seems to have forgotten that part of the point of the priesthood is to provide advice, comfort and support for your flock – especially when, y’know, he’s trying to actually follow some of the rules of your religion. Then there’s the large crew of jerk-asses that he calls his friends for some reason – and a more toxic band of morons you will never see. The writing is hackneyed, relying on some of the hoariest of tropes to maintain stupid drama that can only be kept up if the characters are unable to have a five minute conversation, the “good girl” character is profoundly unsympathetic and then you’ve got the ex.

You know.

The one who rapes the main character. And it’s played for laughs.

And then he has to apologize to his girlfriend. Who’s mad at him. For being raped.

(Stick with me here, there’s a point to all of this.)

The gag, of course, is that “hey, Josh Hartnett got laid, it’s not all that bad!”; it’s part of the standard definition of masculinity where men are walking poles looking for any available hole. There’s no question ever about the fact that Harnett’s constantly having people pushing in on his boundaries, ignoring him when he’s telling them “no” and pushing him to give up on something he feels he needs to do for his own emotional health and well-being. Nope, it’s all about the idea that “woah, one dude was able to go cold-turkey, that’s unpossible!” and that apparently being celibate for that long gives him magic orgasm powers.

Now granted, I don’t expect nuanced views of human sexuality from a comedy whose poster is a gag about a dude’s crotch, but it is possible to have a raunchy sex-comedy and manage to actually not treat somebody’s libido as a joke.

So after that long digression, let me bring this back to you, QTR.

You decided that, for your own emotional well-being, you needed to be willing to cut back on sex. You’d decided that you want to wait until there’s at least something going on with the relationship – you don’t specify whether you mean three to five dates, emotional commitment, exclusivity or what, but hey, your junk, your rules. This is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. You have the right to set your standards for sex to what you want them to be and three to five dates – which seems to be the implication later on – isn’t an unreasonable standard, if longer than I would wait personally. Now in full honesty, I think by setting the standard where you did, you may have voluntarily limited your dating pool considerably; a lot of women are likely to think 5 dates is a bit extreme. That’s 5 weeks of dating somebody, assuming a once-a-week date… that’s a lot to (ahem) swallow.

But hey, there are women out there who’d prefer to wait a bit before going to bed with a guy. So that’s not really the issue here.

No, the issue here is the reasons for holding on to that rule in the first place, and when or if it’s time to let it go. On the one (very hairy) hand, you’re backed-up, and being painfully horny is known to inspire dudes into making bad decisions. On the other hand, you’ve been holding on to this rule for eight years now. This is something you started because you were trying to heal from a bad break-up and a regrettable fling. And… dude… I’ve had sex that I’d rather not have had in retrospect, but 8 years is a long damn time to be holding on to that attitude. You say you’ve dealt with the emotional baggage of the events that inspired this rule.

So you have to ask yourself: do you still need this, or are you holding on to it out of habit? Because frankly, it sounds like the latter rather than the former. And to be perfectly honest, I’m kind of wondering if this rule of yours has become a way of trying to insulate yourself from pain by driving people away.

I’m not the one who can make that decision for you. You’re going to have to do some soul-searching about whether the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. If you feel like it’s something that’s benefitting you, then adjust things a little. Be willing to take things on a sliding scale rather than an absolute, arbitrary pre-requisite. Get yourself a Fleshlight or a Tenga to cope with the need to seed and consider looking for women who have the same take-it-slow attitude that you do.

If you decide that perhaps it’s time to be willing to just go out and lay some pipe – and there’s nothing wrong with wanting casual sex – then go for it. If you find that maybe that was a mistake, then you can go back to waiting The great thing about setting rules for yourself is that you can decide when they are or aren’t necessary.

But let me be absolutely clear: that date of yours who kept going for your belt-buckle even after you said no? That ain’t cool. I get that you’re horny as hell and kinda wishing that you’d taken advantage of sex that was being offered – or, let’s be honest, pushed on you – but this was someone who was deliberately pushing past your boundaries. You really don’t want to have sex with someone who feels like she’s allowed to ignore your “no” and hopes that she can change it to a “yes” if she keeps going. Having an erection isn’t permission to say “well, he really wants it, even if he says he doesn’t.” The old “your mouth is saying no, but your body is saying yes” cliché doesn’t excuse anything. If the genders had been reversed, we’d be having a very different conversation right now.

Regardless of whether you decide to continue to wait or to bang out as soon as you get the opportunity, you want to be with someone who knows that no means no and yes means yes.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 22 year old male with no sort of relationship or sex experience. I had a 2 week fling in high-school that started and ended basically without my involvement. Of course I do want to get in a relationship, who doesn’t. But, I have a bit of a problem.

I get nervous, especially about one thing: consent. Now, I am not an evil guy (at least I don’t think so), and as such I don’t want to rape. Raping is not a thing I want to do. If I was doing a rape, I would want to not do that thing. Not just for fear of jail, but because it is a thing I would rather not do. But, I hear many horror stories from the Internet, and they scare me.

On one hand, I keep reading about these thick headed numbskulls that, rather than using physical force, bully and coerce with emotional guilt. On the other, I read about vindictive women who, after the act, decide they want to charge the other with I understand that many of those things may be exaggerated, as is literally everything on the Internet, but it still makes me nervous.

How can I be assured that I can protect not only myself, but any hypothetical partner I may have?

Thanks, 

Nervous

DEAR NERVOUS: First of all my dude: those vengeful women you’re worried about are basically the Africanized killer bee attacks of dating. You get a lot of people fear-mongering and exaggerating the claims because it suits their agenda to do so with no facts to actually back things up. Red Pill bros, Men Going Their Own Way and general misogynists love to cry about false rape claims because they want to sell you a narrative of being in danger at all times. The fact of the matter is, you’re more likely to get hit by lightning – twice – than find someone who decided to accuse you of rape because SCREW YOU PENIS. The vast number of false rape claims (which are already statistically insignificant) aren’t rape accusations – that is, accusing someone of having raped them. Those false claims are that the crime occurred, WITHOUT specifying a person as the rapist.

Second of all: there’s a very easy way to make sure that the person you’re wanting to have sex with wants to have sex with you: ASK HER. Enthusiastic consent is the name of the game, man. Making sure you have a yes and that she’s as down to clown as you are means that you don’t have to worry that you’re crossing a line or doing something you’d never want to do. And this doesn’t have to be a mechanical “may I take off your bra, may I touch your left breast, may I touch your right breast” that a lot of people like to claim. Enthusiastic consent can be sexy as hell – from a breathy “I want to kiss you so badly right now” to a good old fashioned “want to fool around?” can get you where you want to be.

So take a deep breath Nervous and quit over-thinking things. Being considerate of the other person’s comfort and interest and just using your words is all it takes to make sure that your partner is as DTF as you are.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for all you’ve written and done over the years, which has done wonders for my confidence. I’m 29, with no real relationship experience to speak of, but I’ve finally started a real dating life. That said, I’m still figuring out what I want in a partner, and I was wondering if you could speak to one aspect that’s been bothering me.

This weekend, I went on a pre-date at a coffeehouse with a girl I met online – let’s call her “Maxine.” I enjoyed our initial texts; she was genuinely interested in my profile and seemed bright and kind. Our talk over coffee was pleasant, and though we enjoyed sharing pictures of our dogs, there was no spark. At one point I mentioned that I don’t watch much TV these days, at which point she asked “So as a millennial, what do you do for your entertainment life if you don’t binge-watch Netflix?”

We kept the conversation up for almost an hour after my confession, but I knew that date had reached a dead-end. I don’t think the question was a joke; Maxine implied that she watches Netflix plenty. For starters, I did not appreciate being stereotyped (by someone of my own generation, nonetheless), nor do I feel obligated to structure my entertainment choices around a Silicon Valley giant. More to the point, her question reflects a concerning trend I’ve observed in online dating profiles: so many of them are dull carbon copies of the stereotypical millennial. Perhaps even the entitled millennial. On Coffee Meets Bagel, for instance, the most common entries I see in the “I like” section are probably: food, travel, and yes, binge-watching Netflix.

I like good food as much as anyone but we need food to survive, so to name it as your favorite thing is redundant. Most of us only have time to travel a couple times a year if that, and there may be plenty of great stuff on Netflix / Hulu / Amazon but most of it just doesn’t interest me now. The answers to my date’s above question are instead: I photograph stuff with a DSLR, play video games, read literature, and go to the symphony. Naturally, I’m looking for someone who can appreciate and respect those activities. They don’t need to pursue those same activities themselves – that would be boring – but I definitely lean towards the intellectual type. Not an arrogant overachiever, just someone smart and passionate about her own intellectual or artistic pursuits. Those troves of profiles – with no interests beyond food, once-a-year travel, and streaming – are not an encouraging sign. Even Maxine, who is clearly intelligent and put care into her profile, turned out to be a disappointment.

My question is: have I set my standards too high, and am I in fact searching for a girl to fit an impossible template rather than just accepting people as they are? If so, how can I recast my ideas about what I want in a date, and if not, is it rude to be more direct? For example, one of my closest friends (“Carly”) explicitly stated in her old profile that she would only date men with a Master’s degree or equivalent levels of education, or higher. This was not a hard rule, but a way to increase the odds of connecting with someone smart. She met her husband online and they now have a beautiful 8-month-old. Like her, I now want to tread the thin line that separates the snobs from, well, people who think my interests are unsexy or don’t care. I just don’t want to come off as a snob myself while doing so, because that seems to be a weakness of mine. For reference, when I was crafting my own CMB profile, I considered writing that I would appreciate if my date could hold a conversation without abusing “like” as a filler word. Carly was sympathetic but dissuaded me.

I have several friends with similarly arcane interests who have had trouble forming relationships, and so I think any advice you can offer would benefit them as well. Looking forward to hearing back!

– Born in the Wrong Century

DEAR BORN IN THE WRONG CENTURY: There are two things going on here.

The first is a basic flaw in online dating. Dating apps definitely have their uses. They make it easy to meet people you might not encounter otherwise, at a pace that you’re comfortable with. They’re also marvelously convenient. After all, where else can you find a date for Saturday night in your pajamas?

(How they got into your pajamas in the first place is between you and them.)

But at the same time, as easy as it is to filter your potential dates, it’s possible to over-filter. One of the problems with online dating is that we’re not built for it. We aren’t attracted to lists of features, we’re attracted to people. As the sage once said, attraction isn’t brains, children, it’s blood; blood screaming at you to work it’s will. Someone may be perfect for you on paper, but they aren’t right for you in person. You get false positives because you only see one aspect of them. You didn’t see the thousands of minuscule cues that dictate whether you’re interested in them, ranging from their smell to the timbre of their voice to the way they treat the bar staff.

And by that same token, you can miss out on people who you’re compatible with because they didn’t list things the right way on their profile or because you dismissed them out of hand when you wouldn’t have if you’d met in person.

Which leads us to the second, larger issue.

I think your biggest problem BitWC is that you’re committing some of the same sins that you’re accusing others of. You’re stereotyping people just as you feel like they’re doing to you. The difference is that you’re using them as a way of separating yourself from others, while your date was using them as a way of trying to find commonalities between the two of you. After all, considering that the number of people who consume media on their tablets, phones and laptops, it’s not unreasonable to assume that someone her age was likely to use Netflix instead of Comcast.

But let’s focus on what you said about the most common phrases in online dating profiles.

You’re not wrong in that just about everyone talks about loving travel or watching shows on Netflix. In fact, that’s something I’ve advised people to avoid doing; it’s better to talk about places you’ve been or want to go to instead of just saying you love travel.

But the fact that they don’t express it in a more appealing way – or that they share a common interest – doesn’t make them basic or unintelligent. The problem here is less in how they phrased things and more in how you’re interpreting them.

Take using “like” as a filler. If you listen to a lot of podcasts, you’ll quickly see how many people — smart, articulate people — say “like”, “um” and “ah” as vocal filler. It’s not because they’re unintelligent, it’s because it’s a sort of verbal pause. It’s a way of letting the brain catch up with the mouth. It also is a way of signalling to the other person or people in the conversation that they’re still going; they’re only pausing to think. And so the other parties know to keep listening instead of ramping up to talk.

Once you stop making assumptions about people because of common morphemes or interests, the easier it becomes to connect with them.

Yes, for example, food is a necessity. It’s near the base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. But the fact that it’s something that we all need doesn’t mean that people don’t love it. For some, food is simply fuel. For others, food is communion. They may derive comfort from eating. They may love the sensual pleasure of particular kinds of food, in the preparation or the consumption.

Food may have a special memory for them or a particular meaning. Or they may simply think that food’s delicious and who doesn’t love to live deliciously?

And then there’s the fact that food and dining is a uniquely communal experience. It’s one that is almost universally tied to hospitality and togetherness. Whether it’s family dinners, sharing a meal on a date or gathering for a celebration, food is a universal experience, something that brings us all together.

The same goes for binge-watching Netflix; in a very real way, it’s become a communal activity. Shows that hit big — Marvel’s Netflix shows, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The Great British Bake-Off, true crime documentaries like The Keepers and so forth —  become part of the national conversation. Keeping up with those shows is a way of creating an instant connection with both your peers and strangers. And don’t forget that part of why binge watching is so common is that it’s actively encouraged by streaming services. Shows are now filmed and released with an eye towards watching them in one or a few sittings. Each episode ends and the next starts within five seconds. It’s a deliberate feedback loop designed to keep you engaged.

(And let’s also keep in mind that in this economy, Netflix may be their main access to pop culture. When going to the movies can cost upwards of $20 per person before you even factor in snacks or parking, streaming services are a reasonably priced alternative).

Now none of this means that you have to love these things in order to date. Nor does it mean that you have to drop your standards. You’re welcome to set your must-haves to whatever level you want. But, as with your friend who decided she wanted to only date people with post-graduate degrees, you have to accept that the higher you set your standards, the smaller your dating pool gets. People with Masters’ degrees (for example) are going to be thinner on the ground than someone with a Bachelor’s or Associate’s degree after all.

(And anyone who’s dealt with academia can tell you: degrees don’t mean you’re smart.)

With that having been said, you also a have to recognize that when you’re dismissing people out of hand for having common interests, you’re not giving them the same courtesy that you’re asking of them. You say they don’t have to share your interests, but they have to at least respect them. The same goes with you. If you want someone who can appreciate your love of photography and reading, then you need to be willing to extend the same to their interests.

If you want somebody who will try to engage with you about why you love your passions, then do the same for them. Model for them the behavior you’d like to see. Show them how you’d like them to approach your interests by demonstrating curiosity about theirs. Instead of assuming things about them because they have common interests, see if you can connect with them about why they love the things they do. Just because they binge Netflix doesn’t mean that they’re mindlessly consuming it. Just because they love food doesn’t mean that they’re just shoving Bachelor Chow into their faces. Hone in on the passion and the reasoning behind it.

If they binge shows on streaming services, then why those shows? Is it the characters and their relationships? Is it the way the plot is structured? If they love travel, then why? Where do they love to go? What motivates them and what would their dream vacation be?

If you look beyond your assumptions about what their interests mean, you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that they have intellectual curiosity and ambition that you didn’t expect.

Does this mean that they’re all going to be compatible with you? Not necessarily. Dating is a numbers game, after all. But by not dismissing people out of hand, you’re not needlessly cutting out people who may not be perfect for you on paper… but might be great for you if you look a little deeper. And when you give them the courtesy of looking beyond the surface, you encourage them to do the same for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time advice asker. So I’m 39, a few months shy of the big 4-0, and looking to rejoin the social world and dating scene. I say rejoin because about four years my clinical depression and anxiety combined to make me such a paranoid wreck that I was afraid to go to work because I thought I’d get fired. Naturally I got fired after not showing up, then slowly had me car repo’d and nearly evicted from my apartment (my parents settled with the landlord). So at 35 I had to move in with my parents (in Florida, which is a whole other thing), a horrifying blow to my self esteem, not to mention that my mother and I have a better relationship when we live in separate states than under the same roof. Depression and no health insurance and such stress led me to substance abuse and more fights with my mother (who doesn’t always believe that mental illness is a real thing, something that’s sabotaged alot of my attempts at self improvement).

Things started to look up when after a year and a half I was approved for SSDI (federal disability), which gave me a (not that large) monthly check and more importantly, Medicare insurance which meant psychiatrist and therapist. I got just enough self respect for myself that after another fight with my mother, I up and ran away (actually was scheduled to visit a friend out of state and just never went back home, friend was nice enough to rent me a room for a year). Now through a relative, I’m renting a small house in a not so great neighborhood at reduced rent in exchange for maintenance on it. I’m seeing a good therapist and my medication regimen is … resolving itself. I feel ready to rejoin the world at large as part of my journey to becoming a real adult (back to a job and self sufficiency).

My problem is that I am still on disability and you never realize how often people ask “what do you do” in conversations. Aside from the financial restrictions, there is a lot of stigma around people on welfare (being a white male magically deflects alot but not all of it). It makes my mental illness front and center, whereas in my previous life, I could deflect until I actually thought that a date might lead to more dates. I’m not ashamed of my mental illness, but alot of people are thrown off by it, have strange assumptions about it or just assume I’m faking for the disability (they seriously do not understand how meager it is, or what an ordeal it is to get).

TL;DR question: How would you advise this topic be addressed, or even more general advice for someone in my situation?

Dating While Disabled

DEAR DATING WHILE DISABLED: First of all, DWD, I suggest you go read my advice to Sandy Ravage from a few weeks back, who also wanted to know about how to date while having a mental illness. I’ll tell you the same thing I told him: as a general rule, I believe that the more your condition will affect your relationship together, the sooner you should disclose it. However, if it’s something that isn’t going to be immediately apparent, then in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with holding off a little so that the other person gets a chance to know you as an individual, rather than as whatever image pops in their mind when they hear words like “disability”.

But let’s take a moment to talk about the practical side of things. The fact that you’re on disability isn’t shameful, nor should you be ashamed of it. One of the things that makes this country great — and hearing people dismiss it makes me grind my teeth in frustration — is how we care for people who are otherwise disadvantaged or may need a hand. The fact that we have services that let you get the help you need and live a life with independence and dignity is a testimony to the dream of America.

Unfortunately, people are people and assholes are gonna ass. So there will be people who’ll look down on you for being on disability.

And frankly forget those people. They’re doing you a favor by filtering themselves out of your dating pool. The last thing you need is to waste a nanosecond wondering about how to get the approval of a judgmental asshat.

Here’s the thing: you are more than your job — or your lack thereof. When someone asks you what you do, you don’t necessarily need to tell them “oh, I’m unemployed”. Presumably you have things that you love — hobbies, interests, passions that you pursue regularly. Any of those are a perfectly valid answer to the question of “what do you do”. It may not be how you make your living, but they define you more thoroughly and more accurately than whether or not you have an office job or take part in the gig economy.

Now, if someone starts getting especially curious or wants to know what you do for a living, you can be a bit evasive. You can tell them you have various income streams, you do odd jobs, you work as a handyman (which is, strictly speaking, true) until you feel like they’re someone you can safely open up to. If they’re someone who’s going to judge you about issues that are out of your control… well, then they don’t need the whole story, do they?

But I want you to remember the other thing I told Sandy Ravage. Never let somebody else’s dismissal of your health or your disability get you down. The fact that you’re on disability isn’t a mark of shame, it’s a sign that you’re a goddamn fighter. You have faced a crisis that has broken people and destroyed lives. Yet not only did you survive, but you recovered. You got out of a horrible situation and fought tooth and nail to get the help and resources you need. And while your life may not be wine and roses, you have dragged yourself out of Hell by your fingernails and rebuilt your life and sanity with your bare hands.

That is something you should be proud of. It’s a testimony to your strength, your grit and your resilience. And anyone who’s worth dating will recognize that instead of falling for Calvinist bulls

t and assuming that your situation is the result of weakness or moral failure.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I'm a 22 years old student and I'm currently facing difficulties in my social life. Until the past 1 or 2 years, I was living a very asocial life. Even though I'm an introvert, I managed to get back on my feet quickly and I'm pretty happy with my progress. The problem is, living a big part of my life as an asocial person (especially the teenage years) has had almost permanent effects on my personality. Trying to change them for good becomes a frustrating struggle. Let me elaborate.

Nowadays I'm very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I'm a talkative person. But when it comes to dating, since I don't have much experience, I face with lots of problems.

After one or two dates, I struggle too much with trying to find things to talk about and things to do together. But I think I know the reason. A person with an active social life has lots of things to talk about because they have been to lots of events, met many people, gone to many places etc. But someone like me with asocial hobbies realize that you don't have any interesting things to talk about, you don't know much good places to take your date to. You realize how boring you became over the past couple of years.

I'm a guy and I really don't have this problem in my normal day-to-day conversations, especially with guys since we usually have common interests. I mostly struggle during a date with a girl. I don't have much experience with dating and I think I became too boring for a girl to spend time with. Maybe I'm too focused on my approaching career and working too hard. I need to take a break and become a more fun person to spend time with. But the process of trying to change my personality is hard. I'm getting tired, but learning a lot at the same time.

Physically, I'm not a bad looking guy but I can be considered as a shy "good guy", which girls, especially the ones at my age, are not really into. Even worse, I'm very emotional and tend to overthink everything to an extend where it puts me in deep stress and depression. I get attached to a girl very quickly. But girls on the other hand are usually the exact opposite. Since there is always a guy trying to date with them, they don't really care and go with the flow. This kills me because I care about every little detail and overthink everything just to realize the girl does not even remember my age (or any other basic information about me). The reason is, she knows there are plenty fish in the sea. But there aren't plenty for me.

There are other side effects of my introvert personality such as not being able to make eye contact. But in short, I don't know how to date. I want a girl to have fun spending time with me. And I want to be able to transition from casual coffee dates to an actual relationship. I don't really care about casual hookups, I'm looking for a serious relationship. I know I'm young but I'll graduate soon and I'm afraid I won't be able to find the right person.

I fail a lot but keep trying. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

First Time Unlucky

DEAR FIRST TIME UNLUCKY: Ok FTU, I think you're a classic case of "the problems you have isn't the problem you think you have".

Your biggest issue is that you've made a classic mistake - something that lots of guys before you have made. You're treating dating and socializing like it's a separate part of your life. You've created this false duality: the version of you who's talkative and charismatic when he's "networking", and this person who's shy and retiring when he's "dating".

But the thing is: that's the same person. It's not like you're Dr. Jekyll as long as business cards are being exchanged and Edward Hyde when you're hoping to get a phone number instead. It's still you. It's not even as though they're completely unrelated skills. The principles that affect how that you connect with people when you're networking are exactly the same when you're trying to make friends... or when you're trying to connect with someone on a date, for that matter. They're all forms of fostering relationships; the only difference is the end goal. If you're networking, you're trying to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger professional connection. If you're on a date, you're hoping to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger personal connection. And to be perfectly honest, the changes you need to make to reach these different goals are fairly minor. You're still looking for commonalities, because we instinctively like people who like us. You're still looking to create positive feelings in the other person, because they'll associate you with feeling good. The difference is that, on a date, you're making a point to show sexual or romantic interest and you're sharing a little more about yourself.

Your problem isn't one of personality, or even an inability to change. You've already proven you can change. You said it yourself: "Nowadays I'm very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I'm a talkative person." Call me crazy, but that sounds like a pretty different person than someone who was incredibly isolated and asocial. But you perceive yourself as someone who Is Not Good With Girls and that makes all the difference.

And it's perception that's the problem. You're making judgments that aren't accurate based on mistaken perception. You see yourself as Not Good With Girls and so you frame every interaction in that mindset. You assume that you're boring and so you come across as boring; you treat conversations as an imposition on women's time and energy. You assume that women are drowning in men's attention and so you have to compete with literally every other man out there. As a result, you're continually convinced that you're losing out to some phantom man. And literally none of that is true.

I mean, seriously. Talk to some of the women in your life and you'll realize that not only that there isn't always a guy trying to date them, but that all attention isn't good attention. For a lot of women, all that attention isn't Studly Goodnight asking them out for a night of wine and roses, it's a horde of men saying "Want some dick? Want some dick? Want some dick?" It's like saying that somebody is lucky that people are always offering them food when the food they're offering is moldy garbage.

But you aren't moldy garbage, FTU, you're a tasty gourmet meal... so why are you selling yourself like you're garbage?

Women aren't forgetting information about you because they're swimming in dudes, it's because you're not giving them any reason to remember you. Nobody is going to be interested in dating someone who presents themself as "It's ok if you don't want to date me; I wouldn't want to date me either." There's a reason why Marvin the Android and Eeyore aren't sex symbols, my dude. If you want women to give a damn about you, you need to give a damn about yourself first, not sell yourself short.

So the first step for learning to get better with women for you is learning to live like you give a damn. What is it about you that makes you unique? What makes you special? What would make any woman lucky if she had a chance to date you? And if the answer is "nothing"... then it's time to go out and start finding those things. If you're ashamed of your hobbies, then start finding some new ones. If you love the ones you got, then the key is to find people who love that stuff too.

It's not that you have to be the brightest, shiniest penny. You don't need to appeal to everyone; not only does this foster weak attraction, but it's impossible on its face. As Dita Von Teese once said: you can be the biggest, sweetest, juiciest peach around and some folks just plain won't like peaches. All you need to do is focus on being the best version of yourself. Yeah, this means that you won't be everyone's cup of tea... but you will be somebody's shot of whiskey.

It's not that you need to change your life, FTU, it's that you need to change how you see yourself. You've achieved more than you realize, you're capable of more than you believe and you're stronger and more desirable than you know. You just won't let yourself see it.

Start seeing yourself through different eyes and recognizing how much of a sexy badass you already are and you'll start getting the results you're looking for.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a senior in high school and have been in a relationship with my lovely, wonderful, adorable boyfriend for about a year and a half. We communicate really well, but I'm a little socially awkward and I wanted to see if you could shed some light on a situation that I might be misreading.

My boyfriend is captain of a sports team at the school. He is very close with them and calls them his 'family' on many occasions. He seemed eager to introduce me to them, and though we probably wouldn't usually run in the same social circles, we seemed to get along well enough when in a group.

However, whenever they want to get together with him last minute and we're together, he feels the need to ask them for permission before allowing me to come. Which I get, but they always says yes... He still seems really nervous about me coming, even if it's just to chill, and avoids giving me a direct answer when I ask why. It's not a dude thing either, because the girls and boys teams almost always mingle together. I've asked multiple times if I should just back off and never come to events, so he can spend private time with his team, but he always says that's not necessary, asks permission, and then sits staring at his phone waiting for it.

One time, he held a traditional pre game dinner at his house. I was staying for the weekend, and both my parents were in different states, so I didn't really want to go home and be alone. He said I could stay, but that some of the guys might not like it if I was upstairs. I was shocked. I hid in his room while he brought dinner down to me. I couldn't even leave the room to eat, I guess.

I felt terrible about this situation, and he apologized, but it still felt really wrong. I felt like he was ashamed of me.

What gives? Is there a hint I'm not getting here? Should I back off from his team and just not say anything? What confuses me is I've offered and he's never taken me up on it. This is the only consistent problem we've had.

Dirty Little Secret

DEAR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: There're a couple of possibilities here, DLS.

The first is that he worries that having his girlfriend around would shake up the vibe of the group, especially if his friends and teammates aren't bringing their significant others to the shindig. Some people worry about being the person who's always dragging their partner to stuff, even when it may not be appropriate for that partner to be there. It's also possible that he worries that by bringing you to things, people might think that you're forcing yourself along or that you're so clingy or needy demand-y that he has to bring you along.

The second possibility is that he's embarrassed to have you around. Now I want to insist: this doesn't mean that you are the problem. Some guys, especially in high-school, are stupidly insecure about who they date. For many young guys, the goal isn't to date someone they think is hot and desirable, it's to date someone they think their friends would think is hot and desirable. If he thinks his friends might give him crap for dating you, then he may try to keep you away from them in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind scenario.

The third possibility is that he's embarrassed about them. Maybe they're assholes. Maybe they say stupid and hurtful things and he doesn't want you to hear it.

Or it's possible that you and his friends weren't a great fit and he doesn't know how to talk about it with you.

But I have no way of knowing, especially since I'm not there. The only person who can tell you what's going through his head is him.

(What I can say is that sure, I get that you guys are in high-school but JESUS this dude is handing things badly. Keeping you sequestered in his room all night? What the hell, actual?)

You need to sit your boyfriend down and have an Awkward Conversation with him about this. His behavior is making you feel like he's ashamed of you and you're his dirty secret. You don't deserve to be treated that way, especially by someone you love and who loves you. So it's time for you to explain to him how this behavior makes you feel and how you want an actual answer from him.

Just be ready; the answer you get may not be pleasant, for a multitude of reasons.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)