DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for all you’ve written and done over the years, which has done wonders for my confidence. I’m 29, with no real relationship experience to speak of, but I’ve finally started a real dating life. That said, I’m still figuring out what I want in a partner, and I was wondering if you could speak to one aspect that’s been bothering me.

This weekend, I went on a pre-date at a coffeehouse with a girl I met online – let’s call her “Maxine.” I enjoyed our initial texts; she was genuinely interested in my profile and seemed bright and kind. Our talk over coffee was pleasant, and though we enjoyed sharing pictures of our dogs, there was no spark. At one point I mentioned that I don’t watch much TV these days, at which point she asked “So as a millennial, what do you do for your entertainment life if you don’t binge-watch Netflix?”

We kept the conversation up for almost an hour after my confession, but I knew that date had reached a dead-end. I don’t think the question was a joke; Maxine implied that she watches Netflix plenty. For starters, I did not appreciate being stereotyped (by someone of my own generation, nonetheless), nor do I feel obligated to structure my entertainment choices around a Silicon Valley giant. More to the point, her question reflects a concerning trend I’ve observed in online dating profiles: so many of them are dull carbon copies of the stereotypical millennial. Perhaps even the entitled millennial. On Coffee Meets Bagel, for instance, the most common entries I see in the “I like” section are probably: food, travel, and yes, binge-watching Netflix.

I like good food as much as anyone but we need food to survive, so to name it as your favorite thing is redundant. Most of us only have time to travel a couple times a year if that, and there may be plenty of great stuff on Netflix / Hulu / Amazon but most of it just doesn’t interest me now. The answers to my date’s above question are instead: I photograph stuff with a DSLR, play video games, read literature, and go to the symphony. Naturally, I’m looking for someone who can appreciate and respect those activities. They don’t need to pursue those same activities themselves – that would be boring – but I definitely lean towards the intellectual type. Not an arrogant overachiever, just someone smart and passionate about her own intellectual or artistic pursuits. Those troves of profiles – with no interests beyond food, once-a-year travel, and streaming – are not an encouraging sign. Even Maxine, who is clearly intelligent and put care into her profile, turned out to be a disappointment.

My question is: have I set my standards too high, and am I in fact searching for a girl to fit an impossible template rather than just accepting people as they are? If so, how can I recast my ideas about what I want in a date, and if not, is it rude to be more direct? For example, one of my closest friends (“Carly”) explicitly stated in her old profile that she would only date men with a Master’s degree or equivalent levels of education, or higher. This was not a hard rule, but a way to increase the odds of connecting with someone smart. She met her husband online and they now have a beautiful 8-month-old. Like her, I now want to tread the thin line that separates the snobs from, well, people who think my interests are unsexy or don’t care. I just don’t want to come off as a snob myself while doing so, because that seems to be a weakness of mine. For reference, when I was crafting my own CMB profile, I considered writing that I would appreciate if my date could hold a conversation without abusing “like” as a filler word. Carly was sympathetic but dissuaded me.

I have several friends with similarly arcane interests who have had trouble forming relationships, and so I think any advice you can offer would benefit them as well. Looking forward to hearing back!

– Born in the Wrong Century

DEAR BORN IN THE WRONG CENTURY: There are two things going on here.

The first is a basic flaw in online dating. Dating apps definitely have their uses. They make it easy to meet people you might not encounter otherwise, at a pace that you’re comfortable with. They’re also marvelously convenient. After all, where else can you find a date for Saturday night in your pajamas?

(How they got into your pajamas in the first place is between you and them.)

But at the same time, as easy as it is to filter your potential dates, it’s possible to over-filter. One of the problems with online dating is that we’re not built for it. We aren’t attracted to lists of features, we’re attracted to people. As the sage once said, attraction isn’t brains, children, it’s blood; blood screaming at you to work it’s will. Someone may be perfect for you on paper, but they aren’t right for you in person. You get false positives because you only see one aspect of them. You didn’t see the thousands of minuscule cues that dictate whether you’re interested in them, ranging from their smell to the timbre of their voice to the way they treat the bar staff.

And by that same token, you can miss out on people who you’re compatible with because they didn’t list things the right way on their profile or because you dismissed them out of hand when you wouldn’t have if you’d met in person.

Which leads us to the second, larger issue.

I think your biggest problem BitWC is that you’re committing some of the same sins that you’re accusing others of. You’re stereotyping people just as you feel like they’re doing to you. The difference is that you’re using them as a way of separating yourself from others, while your date was using them as a way of trying to find commonalities between the two of you. After all, considering that the number of people who consume media on their tablets, phones and laptops, it’s not unreasonable to assume that someone her age was likely to use Netflix instead of Comcast.

But let’s focus on what you said about the most common phrases in online dating profiles.

You’re not wrong in that just about everyone talks about loving travel or watching shows on Netflix. In fact, that’s something I’ve advised people to avoid doing; it’s better to talk about places you’ve been or want to go to instead of just saying you love travel.

But the fact that they don’t express it in a more appealing way – or that they share a common interest – doesn’t make them basic or unintelligent. The problem here is less in how they phrased things and more in how you’re interpreting them.

Take using “like” as a filler. If you listen to a lot of podcasts, you’ll quickly see how many people — smart, articulate people — say “like”, “um” and “ah” as vocal filler. It’s not because they’re unintelligent, it’s because it’s a sort of verbal pause. It’s a way of letting the brain catch up with the mouth. It also is a way of signalling to the other person or people in the conversation that they’re still going; they’re only pausing to think. And so the other parties know to keep listening instead of ramping up to talk.

Once you stop making assumptions about people because of common morphemes or interests, the easier it becomes to connect with them.

Yes, for example, food is a necessity. It’s near the base of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. But the fact that it’s something that we all need doesn’t mean that people don’t love it. For some, food is simply fuel. For others, food is communion. They may derive comfort from eating. They may love the sensual pleasure of particular kinds of food, in the preparation or the consumption.

Food may have a special memory for them or a particular meaning. Or they may simply think that food’s delicious and who doesn’t love to live deliciously?

And then there’s the fact that food and dining is a uniquely communal experience. It’s one that is almost universally tied to hospitality and togetherness. Whether it’s family dinners, sharing a meal on a date or gathering for a celebration, food is a universal experience, something that brings us all together.

The same goes for binge-watching Netflix; in a very real way, it’s become a communal activity. Shows that hit big — Marvel’s Netflix shows, The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, The Great British Bake-Off, true crime documentaries like The Keepers and so forth —  become part of the national conversation. Keeping up with those shows is a way of creating an instant connection with both your peers and strangers. And don’t forget that part of why binge watching is so common is that it’s actively encouraged by streaming services. Shows are now filmed and released with an eye towards watching them in one or a few sittings. Each episode ends and the next starts within five seconds. It’s a deliberate feedback loop designed to keep you engaged.

(And let’s also keep in mind that in this economy, Netflix may be their main access to pop culture. When going to the movies can cost upwards of $20 per person before you even factor in snacks or parking, streaming services are a reasonably priced alternative).

Now none of this means that you have to love these things in order to date. Nor does it mean that you have to drop your standards. You’re welcome to set your must-haves to whatever level you want. But, as with your friend who decided she wanted to only date people with post-graduate degrees, you have to accept that the higher you set your standards, the smaller your dating pool gets. People with Masters’ degrees (for example) are going to be thinner on the ground than someone with a Bachelor’s or Associate’s degree after all.

(And anyone who’s dealt with academia can tell you: degrees don’t mean you’re smart.)

With that having been said, you also a have to recognize that when you’re dismissing people out of hand for having common interests, you’re not giving them the same courtesy that you’re asking of them. You say they don’t have to share your interests, but they have to at least respect them. The same goes with you. If you want someone who can appreciate your love of photography and reading, then you need to be willing to extend the same to their interests.

If you want somebody who will try to engage with you about why you love your passions, then do the same for them. Model for them the behavior you’d like to see. Show them how you’d like them to approach your interests by demonstrating curiosity about theirs. Instead of assuming things about them because they have common interests, see if you can connect with them about why they love the things they do. Just because they binge Netflix doesn’t mean that they’re mindlessly consuming it. Just because they love food doesn’t mean that they’re just shoving Bachelor Chow into their faces. Hone in on the passion and the reasoning behind it.

If they binge shows on streaming services, then why those shows? Is it the characters and their relationships? Is it the way the plot is structured? If they love travel, then why? Where do they love to go? What motivates them and what would their dream vacation be?

If you look beyond your assumptions about what their interests mean, you might be pleasantly surprised to discover that they have intellectual curiosity and ambition that you didn’t expect.

Does this mean that they’re all going to be compatible with you? Not necessarily. Dating is a numbers game, after all. But by not dismissing people out of hand, you’re not needlessly cutting out people who may not be perfect for you on paper… but might be great for you if you look a little deeper. And when you give them the courtesy of looking beyond the surface, you encourage them to do the same for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time advice asker. So I’m 39, a few months shy of the big 4-0, and looking to rejoin the social world and dating scene. I say rejoin because about four years my clinical depression and anxiety combined to make me such a paranoid wreck that I was afraid to go to work because I thought I’d get fired. Naturally I got fired after not showing up, then slowly had me car repo’d and nearly evicted from my apartment (my parents settled with the landlord). So at 35 I had to move in with my parents (in Florida, which is a whole other thing), a horrifying blow to my self esteem, not to mention that my mother and I have a better relationship when we live in separate states than under the same roof. Depression and no health insurance and such stress led me to substance abuse and more fights with my mother (who doesn’t always believe that mental illness is a real thing, something that’s sabotaged alot of my attempts at self improvement).

Things started to look up when after a year and a half I was approved for SSDI (federal disability), which gave me a (not that large) monthly check and more importantly, Medicare insurance which meant psychiatrist and therapist. I got just enough self respect for myself that after another fight with my mother, I up and ran away (actually was scheduled to visit a friend out of state and just never went back home, friend was nice enough to rent me a room for a year). Now through a relative, I’m renting a small house in a not so great neighborhood at reduced rent in exchange for maintenance on it. I’m seeing a good therapist and my medication regimen is … resolving itself. I feel ready to rejoin the world at large as part of my journey to becoming a real adult (back to a job and self sufficiency).

My problem is that I am still on disability and you never realize how often people ask “what do you do” in conversations. Aside from the financial restrictions, there is a lot of stigma around people on welfare (being a white male magically deflects alot but not all of it). It makes my mental illness front and center, whereas in my previous life, I could deflect until I actually thought that a date might lead to more dates. I’m not ashamed of my mental illness, but alot of people are thrown off by it, have strange assumptions about it or just assume I’m faking for the disability (they seriously do not understand how meager it is, or what an ordeal it is to get).

TL;DR question: How would you advise this topic be addressed, or even more general advice for someone in my situation?

Dating While Disabled

DEAR DATING WHILE DISABLED: First of all, DWD, I suggest you go read my advice to Sandy Ravage from a few weeks back, who also wanted to know about how to date while having a mental illness. I’ll tell you the same thing I told him: as a general rule, I believe that the more your condition will affect your relationship together, the sooner you should disclose it. However, if it’s something that isn’t going to be immediately apparent, then in my opinion, there’s nothing wrong with holding off a little so that the other person gets a chance to know you as an individual, rather than as whatever image pops in their mind when they hear words like “disability”.

But let’s take a moment to talk about the practical side of things. The fact that you’re on disability isn’t shameful, nor should you be ashamed of it. One of the things that makes this country great — and hearing people dismiss it makes me grind my teeth in frustration — is how we care for people who are otherwise disadvantaged or may need a hand. The fact that we have services that let you get the help you need and live a life with independence and dignity is a testimony to the dream of America.

Unfortunately, people are people and assholes are gonna ass. So there will be people who’ll look down on you for being on disability.

And frankly forget those people. They’re doing you a favor by filtering themselves out of your dating pool. The last thing you need is to waste a nanosecond wondering about how to get the approval of a judgmental asshat.

Here’s the thing: you are more than your job — or your lack thereof. When someone asks you what you do, you don’t necessarily need to tell them “oh, I’m unemployed”. Presumably you have things that you love — hobbies, interests, passions that you pursue regularly. Any of those are a perfectly valid answer to the question of “what do you do”. It may not be how you make your living, but they define you more thoroughly and more accurately than whether or not you have an office job or take part in the gig economy.

Now, if someone starts getting especially curious or wants to know what you do for a living, you can be a bit evasive. You can tell them you have various income streams, you do odd jobs, you work as a handyman (which is, strictly speaking, true) until you feel like they’re someone you can safely open up to. If they’re someone who’s going to judge you about issues that are out of your control… well, then they don’t need the whole story, do they?

But I want you to remember the other thing I told Sandy Ravage. Never let somebody else’s dismissal of your health or your disability get you down. The fact that you’re on disability isn’t a mark of shame, it’s a sign that you’re a goddamn fighter. You have faced a crisis that has broken people and destroyed lives. Yet not only did you survive, but you recovered. You got out of a horrible situation and fought tooth and nail to get the help and resources you need. And while your life may not be wine and roses, you have dragged yourself out of Hell by your fingernails and rebuilt your life and sanity with your bare hands.

That is something you should be proud of. It’s a testimony to your strength, your grit and your resilience. And anyone who’s worth dating will recognize that instead of falling for Calvinist bulls

t and assuming that your situation is the result of weakness or moral failure.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I'm a 22 years old student and I'm currently facing difficulties in my social life. Until the past 1 or 2 years, I was living a very asocial life. Even though I'm an introvert, I managed to get back on my feet quickly and I'm pretty happy with my progress. The problem is, living a big part of my life as an asocial person (especially the teenage years) has had almost permanent effects on my personality. Trying to change them for good becomes a frustrating struggle. Let me elaborate.

Nowadays I'm very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I'm a talkative person. But when it comes to dating, since I don't have much experience, I face with lots of problems.

After one or two dates, I struggle too much with trying to find things to talk about and things to do together. But I think I know the reason. A person with an active social life has lots of things to talk about because they have been to lots of events, met many people, gone to many places etc. But someone like me with asocial hobbies realize that you don't have any interesting things to talk about, you don't know much good places to take your date to. You realize how boring you became over the past couple of years.

I'm a guy and I really don't have this problem in my normal day-to-day conversations, especially with guys since we usually have common interests. I mostly struggle during a date with a girl. I don't have much experience with dating and I think I became too boring for a girl to spend time with. Maybe I'm too focused on my approaching career and working too hard. I need to take a break and become a more fun person to spend time with. But the process of trying to change my personality is hard. I'm getting tired, but learning a lot at the same time.

Physically, I'm not a bad looking guy but I can be considered as a shy "good guy", which girls, especially the ones at my age, are not really into. Even worse, I'm very emotional and tend to overthink everything to an extend where it puts me in deep stress and depression. I get attached to a girl very quickly. But girls on the other hand are usually the exact opposite. Since there is always a guy trying to date with them, they don't really care and go with the flow. This kills me because I care about every little detail and overthink everything just to realize the girl does not even remember my age (or any other basic information about me). The reason is, she knows there are plenty fish in the sea. But there aren't plenty for me.

There are other side effects of my introvert personality such as not being able to make eye contact. But in short, I don't know how to date. I want a girl to have fun spending time with me. And I want to be able to transition from casual coffee dates to an actual relationship. I don't really care about casual hookups, I'm looking for a serious relationship. I know I'm young but I'll graduate soon and I'm afraid I won't be able to find the right person.

I fail a lot but keep trying. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

First Time Unlucky

DEAR FIRST TIME UNLUCKY: Ok FTU, I think you're a classic case of "the problems you have isn't the problem you think you have".

Your biggest issue is that you've made a classic mistake - something that lots of guys before you have made. You're treating dating and socializing like it's a separate part of your life. You've created this false duality: the version of you who's talkative and charismatic when he's "networking", and this person who's shy and retiring when he's "dating".

But the thing is: that's the same person. It's not like you're Dr. Jekyll as long as business cards are being exchanged and Edward Hyde when you're hoping to get a phone number instead. It's still you. It's not even as though they're completely unrelated skills. The principles that affect how that you connect with people when you're networking are exactly the same when you're trying to make friends... or when you're trying to connect with someone on a date, for that matter. They're all forms of fostering relationships; the only difference is the end goal. If you're networking, you're trying to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger professional connection. If you're on a date, you're hoping to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger personal connection. And to be perfectly honest, the changes you need to make to reach these different goals are fairly minor. You're still looking for commonalities, because we instinctively like people who like us. You're still looking to create positive feelings in the other person, because they'll associate you with feeling good. The difference is that, on a date, you're making a point to show sexual or romantic interest and you're sharing a little more about yourself.

Your problem isn't one of personality, or even an inability to change. You've already proven you can change. You said it yourself: "Nowadays I'm very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I'm a talkative person." Call me crazy, but that sounds like a pretty different person than someone who was incredibly isolated and asocial. But you perceive yourself as someone who Is Not Good With Girls and that makes all the difference.

And it's perception that's the problem. You're making judgments that aren't accurate based on mistaken perception. You see yourself as Not Good With Girls and so you frame every interaction in that mindset. You assume that you're boring and so you come across as boring; you treat conversations as an imposition on women's time and energy. You assume that women are drowning in men's attention and so you have to compete with literally every other man out there. As a result, you're continually convinced that you're losing out to some phantom man. And literally none of that is true.

I mean, seriously. Talk to some of the women in your life and you'll realize that not only that there isn't always a guy trying to date them, but that all attention isn't good attention. For a lot of women, all that attention isn't Studly Goodnight asking them out for a night of wine and roses, it's a horde of men saying "Want some dick? Want some dick? Want some dick?" It's like saying that somebody is lucky that people are always offering them food when the food they're offering is moldy garbage.

But you aren't moldy garbage, FTU, you're a tasty gourmet meal... so why are you selling yourself like you're garbage?

Women aren't forgetting information about you because they're swimming in dudes, it's because you're not giving them any reason to remember you. Nobody is going to be interested in dating someone who presents themself as "It's ok if you don't want to date me; I wouldn't want to date me either." There's a reason why Marvin the Android and Eeyore aren't sex symbols, my dude. If you want women to give a damn about you, you need to give a damn about yourself first, not sell yourself short.

So the first step for learning to get better with women for you is learning to live like you give a damn. What is it about you that makes you unique? What makes you special? What would make any woman lucky if she had a chance to date you? And if the answer is "nothing"... then it's time to go out and start finding those things. If you're ashamed of your hobbies, then start finding some new ones. If you love the ones you got, then the key is to find people who love that stuff too.

It's not that you have to be the brightest, shiniest penny. You don't need to appeal to everyone; not only does this foster weak attraction, but it's impossible on its face. As Dita Von Teese once said: you can be the biggest, sweetest, juiciest peach around and some folks just plain won't like peaches. All you need to do is focus on being the best version of yourself. Yeah, this means that you won't be everyone's cup of tea... but you will be somebody's shot of whiskey.

It's not that you need to change your life, FTU, it's that you need to change how you see yourself. You've achieved more than you realize, you're capable of more than you believe and you're stronger and more desirable than you know. You just won't let yourself see it.

Start seeing yourself through different eyes and recognizing how much of a sexy badass you already are and you'll start getting the results you're looking for.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a senior in high school and have been in a relationship with my lovely, wonderful, adorable boyfriend for about a year and a half. We communicate really well, but I'm a little socially awkward and I wanted to see if you could shed some light on a situation that I might be misreading.

My boyfriend is captain of a sports team at the school. He is very close with them and calls them his 'family' on many occasions. He seemed eager to introduce me to them, and though we probably wouldn't usually run in the same social circles, we seemed to get along well enough when in a group.

However, whenever they want to get together with him last minute and we're together, he feels the need to ask them for permission before allowing me to come. Which I get, but they always says yes... He still seems really nervous about me coming, even if it's just to chill, and avoids giving me a direct answer when I ask why. It's not a dude thing either, because the girls and boys teams almost always mingle together. I've asked multiple times if I should just back off and never come to events, so he can spend private time with his team, but he always says that's not necessary, asks permission, and then sits staring at his phone waiting for it.

One time, he held a traditional pre game dinner at his house. I was staying for the weekend, and both my parents were in different states, so I didn't really want to go home and be alone. He said I could stay, but that some of the guys might not like it if I was upstairs. I was shocked. I hid in his room while he brought dinner down to me. I couldn't even leave the room to eat, I guess.

I felt terrible about this situation, and he apologized, but it still felt really wrong. I felt like he was ashamed of me.

What gives? Is there a hint I'm not getting here? Should I back off from his team and just not say anything? What confuses me is I've offered and he's never taken me up on it. This is the only consistent problem we've had.

Dirty Little Secret

DEAR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: There're a couple of possibilities here, DLS.

The first is that he worries that having his girlfriend around would shake up the vibe of the group, especially if his friends and teammates aren't bringing their significant others to the shindig. Some people worry about being the person who's always dragging their partner to stuff, even when it may not be appropriate for that partner to be there. It's also possible that he worries that by bringing you to things, people might think that you're forcing yourself along or that you're so clingy or needy demand-y that he has to bring you along.

The third possibility is that he's embarrassed about them. Maybe they're assholes. Maybe they say stupid and hurtful things and he doesn't want you to hear it.

Or it's possible that you and his friends weren't a great fit and he doesn't know how to talk about it with you.

But I have no way of knowing, especially since I'm not there. The only person who can tell you what's going through his head is him.

(What I can say is that sure, I get that you guys are in high-school but JESUS this dude is handing things badly. Keeping you sequestered in his room all night? What the hell, actual?)

You need to sit your boyfriend down and have an Awkward Conversation with him about this. His behavior is making you feel like he's ashamed of you and you're his dirty secret. You don't deserve to be treated that way, especially by someone you love and who loves you. So it's time for you to explain to him how this behavior makes you feel and how you want an actual answer from him.

Just be ready; the answer you get may not be pleasant, for a multitude of reasons.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

The second possibility is that he's embarrassed to have you around. Now I want to insist: this doesn't mean that you are the problem. Some guys, especially in high-school, are stupidly insecure about who they date. For many young guys, the goal isn't to date someone they think is hot and desirable, it's to date someone they think their friends would think is hot and desirable. If he thinks his friends might give him crap for dating you, then he may try to keep you away from them in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind scenario.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A lot of discussions and articles about creepiness often say many things on what not to do. It starts to feel like “Here are 30,00 ways to not approach or flirt with women, don’t do any of them and you have a chance at not being evil”. And it also gets worse when there are also many things that just MIGHT be creepy, and that’s even worse when you’re not good at reading body language, and it makes any social anxiety or self-doubting you may have get even worse.

So what are some examples of ways to approach and flirt with women that are definitely not creepy?

Creep-Anxious Dude

DEAR CREEP-ANXIOUS DUDE: Before we get to your specifics, CAD, I want to talk a little about creepers and the people who obsess about them.

It really shouldn’t be much of a surprise that this question is something that comes up a lot around here. And, to be quite honest, almost every time it comes up, there’re a few dozen people who want to argue about just what makes someone creepy. More often than not, they’re coming from a place of “it’s not fair that I get called creepy but this other person doesn’t.” This inevitably leading to the usual arguments about whether women are creep-shaming dudes , whether being creepy is just about being unattractiveand general lamenting that men just “aren’t allowed to approach women anymore“.

The problem is that almost all of these focus on the wrong things. A lot of the complaints about the supposed stresses of avoiding being an accidental creeper tend to come from people who are complaining about how concerns about being creepy makes it harder for them to approach women. And while I am sympathetic, the reason for understanding what makes somebody creepy isn’t about “your not being evil”, it’s about understanding that men and women have radically different experiences when it comes to dating and meeting people. Men worry about harsh rejections. Women worry about getting raped or murdered.

Guys who display creepy behavior tend to be exhibiting behavior that sets off people’s Spidey-senses. The guy who stands too close, who ignores the signs that someone isn’t interested or doesn’t want to take “I have to go” for an answer all suggest that they may see boundaries and consent as things that happen to other people. Someone who makes sexual or inappropriate comments may not understand the social rules or may be testing to see what they can get away with. Even asking seemingly innocent “getting to know you” questions can, in the wrong context, seem like they’re gathering information.

Now, in fairness, there could be perfectly innocent and understandable reasons behind all of those examples, ranging from some basic social awkwardness to misreading the scene to just not getting why what’s normal for a guy may be threatening for a woman. But they might not be innocent or harmless. That ambiguity puts women into an incredibly awkward position: do they risk being rude? Or do they risk being dead?

This is why the primary key to not being a creeper is basic empathy. The problem is that for a lot of folks, this is just one burden too heavy to bear. It gets in the way of “BUT WE WANTS IT, PRECIOUS.” It creates more scenarios where they may not get what they want… even though practicing some empathy might improve their chances.

But it’s not that all guys who complain or obsess about creepers and creepiness are guys who don’t care about anything other than getting their piece of ass. There are also folks who are a little too empathetic. They’re the ones who have so much anxiety about it that they end up with a form of hypervigilance. Their anxiety makes them get too deep into their own heads. They overthink everything because they’ve convinced themselves that setting one toe wrong is going to end up with screams and a visit from the slap fairy.

And not even a big toe. Just a little one. A pinkie toe.

Which brings us back to your question, CAD. I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for because you’re coming at this from the wrong place. You’re not asking me about how to not be creepy so much as you’re asking me to relieve your anxieties about it. It’s in the way you describe the situation – from the 30,oo ways to be creepy and the things that might be creepy. You’re in that place where you’re going to overthink everything you do and read too much into everything. I mean, anything can be creepy if you approach it from the right angle. You just have to watch the fan edits that turn kid’s classics like Mary Poppins into a horror movie.

What you need to do, more than anything else, is take a deep breath and relax. Don’t look at this as your being on trial or women are looking for the tiniest thing to call you a creeper and kick you to the curb. Trust me: women are on your side. They want guys the guys they meet to be cool and worth talking to. The women who are looking for a potential boyfriend are hoping that you’re going to be the right one for them.

Taking a moment to look at things from someone else’s perspective – and accepting the validity of their fears and experiences – is really all it takes to avoid 99% of what makes someone creepy when you’re approaching them. This doesn’t mean that you have to be super-woke or so safe that you’re as exciting as white bread and mayo. It just means that you need to put a little thought into things. And even if you do make a mistake, you can pull things back. If you realize you’re pinging her creep radar, then stop. Apologize, take a step back (literally, if necessary) and show through your actions that it was a simple mistake.

Beyond that: learn your flirting style and finding the women you’re most compatible with. The more you are on the same page on the major issues, the easier and more effortless the flirting will be.

You got this, CAD.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 35 year old heterosexual American woman. I haven’t dated/had sex in 8 years.

For a long time in my life, I was attracted to and dated men that I found intellectually awesome, kind and gentle, and able to make me laugh. My pattern was always the same. I would meet a man and immediately find him charming, wait a little to see if the charm wore off, and if it didn’t, I would ask him out.

About 10 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by one of these guys. Initially, I dealt with it poorly (lots of casual sex, no relationships), but I was able to get myself to therapy and have worked through it. I can genuinely say that I am ready to date again. Now I have a lot of interests outside of work where I meet men. I play sports, I work out, I go to social dances regularly, I volunteer for a nonprofit and for my church.

Here is the problem. The dating landscape seems to have changed radically. I have a hard time meeting men in person. Most men that I meet are married. I am now on several dating apps, but I find that my usual pattern doesn’t work anymore. Men that I think are cool on the app end up being boring, or extremely sexually aggressive. Plus, I find it difficult to ‘like’ men who are not conventionally attractive. When I meet a man in person, I like the ‘weird’ looking guys (to me I think they are cute, not weird, but people have told me that the guys I like are weird.) . But online I end up being shallow.

Is there anyway to reframe my behavior on the apps, or to change my approach to meeting men in person? How do I get in the game?

Thank you,

Too Late to Date

DEAR TOO LATE TO DATE: First of all, TLTD, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m proud of how much work you’ve put into your recovery and how far you’ve come. It says a lot about your strength and courage that you’ve made so much progress.

So let’s talk about how to best maximize your chances of meeting someone awesome. To start with, you’re doing a lot of things right. As a general rule, I advocate mixing up how you meet potential partners. I’m a big believer that meeting people in person and being on the right dating apps is the best way to tilt the odds in your favor. However, to make this process work for you efficiently and correctly, you have to make sure you’re following some best practices.

Take, for example, the married men you’re meeting. Part of this may be simple demographics; according to the US Census bureau, around 65% of 35 year olds are married. As a result, single people in general are going to be thinner on the ground. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re out of luck, or that you’re meeting the wrong people. While the men you’re currently meeting may be married, they have friends who aren’t. Friends who you may be interested in. Cultivating these married men and building your social circle is how you gain access to other people’s social circles. That, in turn, gives you the chance to meet the folks who are right for you.

But what about your dating apps? Well, my first question would be to ask which apps you’re on. Different dating apps have different cultures and encourage different kinds of relationships. Tinder is faster-paced and more hook-up focused. OKCupid is more of a free-for-all, but with an eye towards casual relationships. An app like Bumble or Hinge may serve you better. It doesn’t eliminate on the sh

ty behavior – assh

es are always going to ass – but the culture of the apps are more relationship-oriented.

There’s also the fact that apps tend to hit that weird psychological quirk known as “the paradox of choice”. The more choices we have, the less happy we are because we get hit with FOMO. Yes, these are all good options… but what if there’s one that’s even better? Can you be sure that you’re getting the best possible option? What if you commit to one person and realize another possibility may hit more of your checklist?

Unfortunately, there is no way of avoiding this, outside of limiting your potential choices through filters. What you need to do instead is move things off the apps and into real life. For all that we live in an increasingly digital society, we are bad at connecting with each other online. We’re built for in-person interaction, and there are layers of nuance and communication that simply can’t come across digitally.

Which, in fact, is part of why you like the weirder guys in person and not on the apps. In person, you are seeing them as holistic beings, not just a bad picture and what they wrote in their profile. Yes they may be a little unconventional, but you’re seeing much more of them. You’re picking up on other signals, signals that can’t come through the digital lines. You don’t get a feel for the timbre of their voice or the way that they smell. You can’t see the way that they shift their weight when they’re thinking or the little unconscious gestures they make. All you have are pictures and text and, frankly, a lot of guys aren’t great at conveying their personality through text.

And they’re even worse at taking pictures.

So, TL;DR: you’re on the right track. The key is – as I often tell guys – to look a few steps beyond the people you’re meeting initially. They may not be your future Princes Charming, but they very well may be the person who leads you to them. And as for online dating: make sure the apps you’re using match up with your relationship goals and personality and be more decisive. If you have good rapport going with someone, meet up for a pre-date date – a 15 minute meet-up for coffee or frozen yogurt or something in order to do your dating due diligence. Are they who they say they are? Do you have good chemistry in person? Do you feel safe around them? If yes, then make a plan for meeting up for a proper date.

Not many people will tell you this, but dating is often as much a numbers game as it is about chemistry or compatibility. Meeting the right people is always a gamble. But if you play the game correctly, you can tilt the odds in your favor.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)