DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I'm a 22 years old student and I'm currently facing difficulties in my social life. Until the past 1 or 2 years, I was living a very asocial life. Even though I'm an introvert, I managed to get back on my feet quickly and I'm pretty happy with my progress. The problem is, living a big part of my life as an asocial person (especially the teenage years) has had almost permanent effects on my personality. Trying to change them for good becomes a frustrating struggle. Let me elaborate.

Nowadays I'm very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I'm a talkative person. But when it comes to dating, since I don't have much experience, I face with lots of problems.

After one or two dates, I struggle too much with trying to find things to talk about and things to do together. But I think I know the reason. A person with an active social life has lots of things to talk about because they have been to lots of events, met many people, gone to many places etc. But someone like me with asocial hobbies realize that you don't have any interesting things to talk about, you don't know much good places to take your date to. You realize how boring you became over the past couple of years.

I'm a guy and I really don't have this problem in my normal day-to-day conversations, especially with guys since we usually have common interests. I mostly struggle during a date with a girl. I don't have much experience with dating and I think I became too boring for a girl to spend time with. Maybe I'm too focused on my approaching career and working too hard. I need to take a break and become a more fun person to spend time with. But the process of trying to change my personality is hard. I'm getting tired, but learning a lot at the same time.

Physically, I'm not a bad looking guy but I can be considered as a shy "good guy", which girls, especially the ones at my age, are not really into. Even worse, I'm very emotional and tend to overthink everything to an extend where it puts me in deep stress and depression. I get attached to a girl very quickly. But girls on the other hand are usually the exact opposite. Since there is always a guy trying to date with them, they don't really care and go with the flow. This kills me because I care about every little detail and overthink everything just to realize the girl does not even remember my age (or any other basic information about me). The reason is, she knows there are plenty fish in the sea. But there aren't plenty for me.

There are other side effects of my introvert personality such as not being able to make eye contact. But in short, I don't know how to date. I want a girl to have fun spending time with me. And I want to be able to transition from casual coffee dates to an actual relationship. I don't really care about casual hookups, I'm looking for a serious relationship. I know I'm young but I'll graduate soon and I'm afraid I won't be able to find the right person.

I fail a lot but keep trying. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,

First Time Unlucky

DEAR FIRST TIME UNLUCKY: Ok FTU, I think you're a classic case of "the problems you have isn't the problem you think you have".

Your biggest issue is that you've made a classic mistake - something that lots of guys before you have made. You're treating dating and socializing like it's a separate part of your life. You've created this false duality: the version of you who's talkative and charismatic when he's "networking", and this person who's shy and retiring when he's "dating".

But the thing is: that's the same person. It's not like you're Dr. Jekyll as long as business cards are being exchanged and Edward Hyde when you're hoping to get a phone number instead. It's still you. It's not even as though they're completely unrelated skills. The principles that affect how that you connect with people when you're networking are exactly the same when you're trying to make friends... or when you're trying to connect with someone on a date, for that matter. They're all forms of fostering relationships; the only difference is the end goal. If you're networking, you're trying to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger professional connection. If you're on a date, you're hoping to build a relationship that will lead to a stronger personal connection. And to be perfectly honest, the changes you need to make to reach these different goals are fairly minor. You're still looking for commonalities, because we instinctively like people who like us. You're still looking to create positive feelings in the other person, because they'll associate you with feeling good. The difference is that, on a date, you're making a point to show sexual or romantic interest and you're sharing a little more about yourself.

Your problem isn't one of personality, or even an inability to change. You've already proven you can change. You said it yourself: "Nowadays I'm very good at networking and communication in general. In fact, I'm a talkative person." Call me crazy, but that sounds like a pretty different person than someone who was incredibly isolated and asocial. But you perceive yourself as someone who Is Not Good With Girls and that makes all the difference.

And it's perception that's the problem. You're making judgments that aren't accurate based on mistaken perception. You see yourself as Not Good With Girls and so you frame every interaction in that mindset. You assume that you're boring and so you come across as boring; you treat conversations as an imposition on women's time and energy. You assume that women are drowning in men's attention and so you have to compete with literally every other man out there. As a result, you're continually convinced that you're losing out to some phantom man. And literally none of that is true.

I mean, seriously. Talk to some of the women in your life and you'll realize that not only that there isn't always a guy trying to date them, but that all attention isn't good attention. For a lot of women, all that attention isn't Studly Goodnight asking them out for a night of wine and roses, it's a horde of men saying "Want some dick? Want some dick? Want some dick?" It's like saying that somebody is lucky that people are always offering them food when the food they're offering is moldy garbage.

But you aren't moldy garbage, FTU, you're a tasty gourmet meal... so why are you selling yourself like you're garbage?

Women aren't forgetting information about you because they're swimming in dudes, it's because you're not giving them any reason to remember you. Nobody is going to be interested in dating someone who presents themself as "It's ok if you don't want to date me; I wouldn't want to date me either." There's a reason why Marvin the Android and Eeyore aren't sex symbols, my dude. If you want women to give a damn about you, you need to give a damn about yourself first, not sell yourself short.

So the first step for learning to get better with women for you is learning to live like you give a damn. What is it about you that makes you unique? What makes you special? What would make any woman lucky if she had a chance to date you? And if the answer is "nothing"... then it's time to go out and start finding those things. If you're ashamed of your hobbies, then start finding some new ones. If you love the ones you got, then the key is to find people who love that stuff too.

It's not that you have to be the brightest, shiniest penny. You don't need to appeal to everyone; not only does this foster weak attraction, but it's impossible on its face. As Dita Von Teese once said: you can be the biggest, sweetest, juiciest peach around and some folks just plain won't like peaches. All you need to do is focus on being the best version of yourself. Yeah, this means that you won't be everyone's cup of tea... but you will be somebody's shot of whiskey.

It's not that you need to change your life, FTU, it's that you need to change how you see yourself. You've achieved more than you realize, you're capable of more than you believe and you're stronger and more desirable than you know. You just won't let yourself see it.

Start seeing yourself through different eyes and recognizing how much of a sexy badass you already are and you'll start getting the results you're looking for.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a senior in high school and have been in a relationship with my lovely, wonderful, adorable boyfriend for about a year and a half. We communicate really well, but I'm a little socially awkward and I wanted to see if you could shed some light on a situation that I might be misreading.

My boyfriend is captain of a sports team at the school. He is very close with them and calls them his 'family' on many occasions. He seemed eager to introduce me to them, and though we probably wouldn't usually run in the same social circles, we seemed to get along well enough when in a group.

However, whenever they want to get together with him last minute and we're together, he feels the need to ask them for permission before allowing me to come. Which I get, but they always says yes... He still seems really nervous about me coming, even if it's just to chill, and avoids giving me a direct answer when I ask why. It's not a dude thing either, because the girls and boys teams almost always mingle together. I've asked multiple times if I should just back off and never come to events, so he can spend private time with his team, but he always says that's not necessary, asks permission, and then sits staring at his phone waiting for it.

One time, he held a traditional pre game dinner at his house. I was staying for the weekend, and both my parents were in different states, so I didn't really want to go home and be alone. He said I could stay, but that some of the guys might not like it if I was upstairs. I was shocked. I hid in his room while he brought dinner down to me. I couldn't even leave the room to eat, I guess.

I felt terrible about this situation, and he apologized, but it still felt really wrong. I felt like he was ashamed of me.

What gives? Is there a hint I'm not getting here? Should I back off from his team and just not say anything? What confuses me is I've offered and he's never taken me up on it. This is the only consistent problem we've had.

Dirty Little Secret

DEAR DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: There're a couple of possibilities here, DLS.

The first is that he worries that having his girlfriend around would shake up the vibe of the group, especially if his friends and teammates aren't bringing their significant others to the shindig. Some people worry about being the person who's always dragging their partner to stuff, even when it may not be appropriate for that partner to be there. It's also possible that he worries that by bringing you to things, people might think that you're forcing yourself along or that you're so clingy or needy demand-y that he has to bring you along.

The second possibility is that he's embarrassed to have you around. Now I want to insist: this doesn't mean that you are the problem. Some guys, especially in high-school, are stupidly insecure about who they date. For many young guys, the goal isn't to date someone they think is hot and desirable, it's to date someone they think their friends would think is hot and desirable. If he thinks his friends might give him crap for dating you, then he may try to keep you away from them in an out-of-sight, out-of-mind scenario.

The third possibility is that he's embarrassed about them. Maybe they're assholes. Maybe they say stupid and hurtful things and he doesn't want you to hear it.

Or it's possible that you and his friends weren't a great fit and he doesn't know how to talk about it with you.

But I have no way of knowing, especially since I'm not there. The only person who can tell you what's going through his head is him.

(What I can say is that sure, I get that you guys are in high-school but JESUS this dude is handing things badly. Keeping you sequestered in his room all night? What the hell, actual?)

You need to sit your boyfriend down and have an Awkward Conversation with him about this. His behavior is making you feel like he's ashamed of you and you're his dirty secret. You don't deserve to be treated that way, especially by someone you love and who loves you. So it's time for you to explain to him how this behavior makes you feel and how you want an actual answer from him.

Just be ready; the answer you get may not be pleasant, for a multitude of reasons.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A lot of discussions and articles about creepiness often say many things on what not to do. It starts to feel like “Here are 30,00 ways to not approach or flirt with women, don’t do any of them and you have a chance at not being evil”. And it also gets worse when there are also many things that just MIGHT be creepy, and that’s even worse when you’re not good at reading body language, and it makes any social anxiety or self-doubting you may have get even worse.

So what are some examples of ways to approach and flirt with women that are definitely not creepy?

Creep-Anxious Dude

DEAR CREEP-ANXIOUS DUDE: Before we get to your specifics, CAD, I want to talk a little about creepers and the people who obsess about them.

It really shouldn’t be much of a surprise that this question is something that comes up a lot around here. And, to be quite honest, almost every time it comes up, there’re a few dozen people who want to argue about just what makes someone creepy. More often than not, they’re coming from a place of “it’s not fair that I get called creepy but this other person doesn’t.” This inevitably leading to the usual arguments about whether women are creep-shaming dudes , whether being creepy is just about being unattractiveand general lamenting that men just “aren’t allowed to approach women anymore“.

The problem is that almost all of these focus on the wrong things. A lot of the complaints about the supposed stresses of avoiding being an accidental creeper tend to come from people who are complaining about how concerns about being creepy makes it harder for them to approach women. And while I am sympathetic, the reason for understanding what makes somebody creepy isn’t about “your not being evil”, it’s about understanding that men and women have radically different experiences when it comes to dating and meeting people. Men worry about harsh rejections. Women worry about getting raped or murdered.

Guys who display creepy behavior tend to be exhibiting behavior that sets off people’s Spidey-senses. The guy who stands too close, who ignores the signs that someone isn’t interested or doesn’t want to take “I have to go” for an answer all suggest that they may see boundaries and consent as things that happen to other people. Someone who makes sexual or inappropriate comments may not understand the social rules or may be testing to see what they can get away with. Even asking seemingly innocent “getting to know you” questions can, in the wrong context, seem like they’re gathering information.

Now, in fairness, there could be perfectly innocent and understandable reasons behind all of those examples, ranging from some basic social awkwardness to misreading the scene to just not getting why what’s normal for a guy may be threatening for a woman. But they might not be innocent or harmless. That ambiguity puts women into an incredibly awkward position: do they risk being rude? Or do they risk being dead?

This is why the primary key to not being a creeper is basic empathy. The problem is that for a lot of folks, this is just one burden too heavy to bear. It gets in the way of “BUT WE WANTS IT, PRECIOUS.” It creates more scenarios where they may not get what they want… even though practicing some empathy might improve their chances.

But it’s not that all guys who complain or obsess about creepers and creepiness are guys who don’t care about anything other than getting their piece of ass. There are also folks who are a little too empathetic. They’re the ones who have so much anxiety about it that they end up with a form of hypervigilance. Their anxiety makes them get too deep into their own heads. They overthink everything because they’ve convinced themselves that setting one toe wrong is going to end up with screams and a visit from the slap fairy.

And not even a big toe. Just a little one. A pinkie toe.

Which brings us back to your question, CAD. I can’t give you the answer you’re looking for because you’re coming at this from the wrong place. You’re not asking me about how to not be creepy so much as you’re asking me to relieve your anxieties about it. It’s in the way you describe the situation – from the 30,oo ways to be creepy and the things that might be creepy. You’re in that place where you’re going to overthink everything you do and read too much into everything. I mean, anything can be creepy if you approach it from the right angle. You just have to watch the fan edits that turn kid’s classics like Mary Poppins into a horror movie.

What you need to do, more than anything else, is take a deep breath and relax. Don’t look at this as your being on trial or women are looking for the tiniest thing to call you a creeper and kick you to the curb. Trust me: women are on your side. They want guys the guys they meet to be cool and worth talking to. The women who are looking for a potential boyfriend are hoping that you’re going to be the right one for them.

Taking a moment to look at things from someone else’s perspective – and accepting the validity of their fears and experiences – is really all it takes to avoid 99% of what makes someone creepy when you’re approaching them. This doesn’t mean that you have to be super-woke or so safe that you’re as exciting as white bread and mayo. It just means that you need to put a little thought into things. And even if you do make a mistake, you can pull things back. If you realize you’re pinging her creep radar, then stop. Apologize, take a step back (literally, if necessary) and show through your actions that it was a simple mistake.

Beyond that: learn your flirting style and finding the women you’re most compatible with. The more you are on the same page on the major issues, the easier and more effortless the flirting will be.

You got this, CAD.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 35 year old heterosexual American woman. I haven’t dated/had sex in 8 years.

For a long time in my life, I was attracted to and dated men that I found intellectually awesome, kind and gentle, and able to make me laugh. My pattern was always the same. I would meet a man and immediately find him charming, wait a little to see if the charm wore off, and if it didn’t, I would ask him out.

About 10 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by one of these guys. Initially, I dealt with it poorly (lots of casual sex, no relationships), but I was able to get myself to therapy and have worked through it. I can genuinely say that I am ready to date again. Now I have a lot of interests outside of work where I meet men. I play sports, I work out, I go to social dances regularly, I volunteer for a nonprofit and for my church.

Here is the problem. The dating landscape seems to have changed radically. I have a hard time meeting men in person. Most men that I meet are married. I am now on several dating apps, but I find that my usual pattern doesn’t work anymore. Men that I think are cool on the app end up being boring, or extremely sexually aggressive. Plus, I find it difficult to ‘like’ men who are not conventionally attractive. When I meet a man in person, I like the ‘weird’ looking guys (to me I think they are cute, not weird, but people have told me that the guys I like are weird.) . But online I end up being shallow.

Is there anyway to reframe my behavior on the apps, or to change my approach to meeting men in person? How do I get in the game?

Thank you,

Too Late to Date

DEAR TOO LATE TO DATE: First of all, TLTD, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I’m proud of how much work you’ve put into your recovery and how far you’ve come. It says a lot about your strength and courage that you’ve made so much progress.

So let’s talk about how to best maximize your chances of meeting someone awesome. To start with, you’re doing a lot of things right. As a general rule, I advocate mixing up how you meet potential partners. I’m a big believer that meeting people in person and being on the right dating apps is the best way to tilt the odds in your favor. However, to make this process work for you efficiently and correctly, you have to make sure you’re following some best practices.

Take, for example, the married men you’re meeting. Part of this may be simple demographics; according to the US Census bureau, around 65% of 35 year olds are married. As a result, single people in general are going to be thinner on the ground. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re out of luck, or that you’re meeting the wrong people. While the men you’re currently meeting may be married, they have friends who aren’t. Friends who you may be interested in. Cultivating these married men and building your social circle is how you gain access to other people’s social circles. That, in turn, gives you the chance to meet the folks who are right for you.

But what about your dating apps? Well, my first question would be to ask which apps you’re on. Different dating apps have different cultures and encourage different kinds of relationships. Tinder is faster-paced and more hook-up focused. OKCupid is more of a free-for-all, but with an eye towards casual relationships. An app like Bumble or Hinge may serve you better. It doesn’t eliminate on the sh

ty behavior – assh

es are always going to ass – but the culture of the apps are more relationship-oriented.

There’s also the fact that apps tend to hit that weird psychological quirk known as “the paradox of choice”. The more choices we have, the less happy we are because we get hit with FOMO. Yes, these are all good options… but what if there’s one that’s even better? Can you be sure that you’re getting the best possible option? What if you commit to one person and realize another possibility may hit more of your checklist?

Unfortunately, there is no way of avoiding this, outside of limiting your potential choices through filters. What you need to do instead is move things off the apps and into real life. For all that we live in an increasingly digital society, we are bad at connecting with each other online. We’re built for in-person interaction, and there are layers of nuance and communication that simply can’t come across digitally.

Which, in fact, is part of why you like the weirder guys in person and not on the apps. In person, you are seeing them as holistic beings, not just a bad picture and what they wrote in their profile. Yes they may be a little unconventional, but you’re seeing much more of them. You’re picking up on other signals, signals that can’t come through the digital lines. You don’t get a feel for the timbre of their voice or the way that they smell. You can’t see the way that they shift their weight when they’re thinking or the little unconscious gestures they make. All you have are pictures and text and, frankly, a lot of guys aren’t great at conveying their personality through text.

And they’re even worse at taking pictures.

So, TL;DR: you’re on the right track. The key is – as I often tell guys – to look a few steps beyond the people you’re meeting initially. They may not be your future Princes Charming, but they very well may be the person who leads you to them. And as for online dating: make sure the apps you’re using match up with your relationship goals and personality and be more decisive. If you have good rapport going with someone, meet up for a pre-date date – a 15 minute meet-up for coffee or frozen yogurt or something in order to do your dating due diligence. Are they who they say they are? Do you have good chemistry in person? Do you feel safe around them? If yes, then make a plan for meeting up for a proper date.

Not many people will tell you this, but dating is often as much a numbers game as it is about chemistry or compatibility. Meeting the right people is always a gamble. But if you play the game correctly, you can tilt the odds in your favor.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 28 year old straight female who just got out of a 10 year emotional and physically abusive relationship and I realize that a lot of relationship advice hindered my ability to leave.

I woke up to the fact that what I was experiencing wasn’t “normal” and was able to extricate myself from a very harmful situation, but now in the post mortem, I’m questioning what had happened and how I stayed in something that was so obviously bad for me for so long. 

A part of it is simply not knowing what was normal. You don’t see couples fighting or making up so its hard to know what kinds of things happen on the inside. I always felt like it was normal to be yelled at and called names when my husband got his feelings hurt or was feeling stressed out, and I just felt like it was my own self control that made it so I didn’t do those things back to him. I’m actually thankful for the physical abuse in some twisted way because I KNEW that wasn’t normal and after massive bruises, I had the courage to leave. 

I also have a problem because in our cultural narrative of an abuser, they are someone who is cunning and planning. They know what they are doing and are going for a specific reaction, while my husband’s abuse seemed more about his emotions getting out of control and him reacting in an awful way. This convinced me that he wasn’t an abuser for a long time. 

But another part of it was reading about relationship advice. It seemed like most of what I was reading was telling people to not be so picky, that nobody is perfect, there is no “one”, that all couples fight, and it felt like maybe the types of things happening in my relationship were just the normal trials of coupledom. Wanting more felt like I was asking for too much. Yes “All couples fight” but do all couples resort to insults, put downs and swearing? 

I guess long story short, I’m starting to venture out into the dating world and I’m wondering how I can reconcile “these are normal couple fights and problems” with getting in over my head with someone who is an abuser and would take advantage of me? There were dozens of red flags and moments where alarm bells should have (and did) go off in my mind telling me to leave, but I always gave the benefit of the doubt, much to my detriment. 

Thanks for your time

Confused About ‘Normal’

DEAR CONFUSED ABOUT NORMAL: Alright CAN I have to start this off by telling you how unbelievably proud I am of you for getting the hell out of that situation. Don’t punish yourself for not knowing that you were in an abusive relationship sooner than you did. You got out and you’ve been healing. That’s the important part. The fact that you want to make sure it doesn’t happen to you again? Also incredibly important. I’ll say it again: I’m proud of you for getting out of there.

Now, let’s talk a little about how to recognize an abusive relationship.

Yeah, people in relationships fight to one degree or another. It’s pretty much an inevitability in any relationship – platonic or otherwise – that doesn’t involve clones or stuffed animals. You have two (or more) people, which means you’ve got two (or more) opinions. Sometimes those opinions are going to conflict. Sometimes the conflict can be loud and unpleasant. For some couples, their dynamic is a more or less continual chain of explosions – big blow-ups followed by big make-ups. For others, it’s intense discussions. But there’s arguing about, say, who gets to decide what to watch on Netflix and emotional abuse.

I’ve written before about toxic and abusive relationships before, but one of the keys is simply: how do you feel about your partner? Do you feel like you can never do anything right and that they’re always blaming you for things that go wrong? Are they always undermining you, cutting you down, reminding you of how useless you are or how you should be grateful that you’re with them? Do you feel like you have to apologize for them to others because they “don’t understand”? Do they make you constantly question your own judgement and worry that you’re overreacting or making too much out of an issue? Are you afraid of them? These are all signs of abuse. You know this. Your own Spidey-Sense was telling you this was a bad scene. But let’s be honest here: it’s understandable that you brushed off your own alarm bells. Women are socialized constantly to question their own judgement, to believe their instincts are wrong and to give people the benefit of the doubt.

Now let’s talk a little about your husband’s behavior and the behavior of abusers. A lot of people, men and women both, will blame their abusive partner’s behavior on their temper and say that it wasn’t directed, just them flipping out. The first thing I’d want to know – and if you want, you can write back in or tell me in the comments – is when he flipped out, did he ever break, damage or threaten his own possessions? Because I’m willing to bet a fair amount of money that no, he did not.  A lot of abusers will use the appearance of a temper to help obscure the true meaning behind their behavior. It’s not that he’s abusing you, it’s just that he’s got a hair-trigger and you should’ve known better, etc.

Part of what makes this work in their favor is that most of us don’t want to admit that we may be in an abusive relationship. We all want to think that we’d never let that happen to us, that we could recognize it and get the hell out as soon as we saw the first hints that things may not be kosher. This mentality – which is pretty damn universal – is part of what leads to people saying “he doesn’t mean to hurt me,” in all seriousness. We are very, very good at convincing ourselves to continue believing what we already want to believe… and nobody wants to believe that they’re in love with a monster. We tell ourselves that “this is just what relationships are like”, and that it’s not that unusual or that bad. You get used to it, you learn how to avoid it, life’s OK as long as you’re very, very careful.

Abusers know this. And they will deliberately use this against their victims. The more they can keep things murky enough, the more we will try to assume the best possible motivation behind it. It can be very hard to break out of that mindset and realize that you’re being abused.

However, let us, for the sake of argument assume that it’s true – that he wasn’t deliberately targeting you. That he really was some sort of rage-monster, thrashing about randomly whenever he Hulk’s out. This is still abuse. If he’s in such a state that he can go from zero to poop-flinging gorilla and just smash anything within arm’s reach, then he is not safe to be around other people.  The fact that he would continue to assume that no, it’s ok as long as other people don’t piss him off – thus putting the burden on you to monitor him instead of getting help to fix himself is still abuse. “I lose control” is not an excuse for hurting people, physically or emotionally.

But let’s be real here: Bruce Banner types like this are so goddamn rare as to be rage-unicorns. Abusers may not be mustache-twirling cartoon villains or supremely calculating Hannibal Lecter types but they don’t just “accidentally” abuse people. They may not have a complete road-map about what they’re doing and why, but they know damn good and well that they’re behaving in a way that pushes their victims to do what the abuser wants. The “I just get so angry I can’t help myself” dance – usually with an encore performance of “Oh god I’m so sorry, I’m scum, I’m awful, you should get away from me” self-flagellating immediately after is a very, very common display. It’s especially insidious because even the breast-beating, cloth-rending apology puts the onus on you; it’s designed to make you comfort them for their bad behavior. They get you coming and going and keep you off balance.

And then they’re on their best behavior, convincing you that maybe this time they’re sincere. For a while. And then it all happens again.

Is this because they’ve got everything planned out to a fare-thee-well? Not always. But they know that it works and they will use it again and again and again.

In case it isn’t clear, I want to make this very, unbelievably obvious and I want you to write this down somewhere prominent so you can see it every goddamn day: it’s not your fault. Your husband was an abusive bastard. You didn’t make him abuse you. You aren’t at fault because you didn’t see things or listen to your instincts. You aren’t to blame because you didn’t recognize it earlier or because you didn’t leave before you did. It. Is. Not Your. Fault. Nothing excuses abuse. “Nobody’s perfect” doesn’t mean you should put up with someone mistreating you. Not wanting a partner who puts you down, intimidates you or hurts you isn’t “being too picky”, it’s the very definition of “comes standard with all models”.  All couples may fight but insults, threats and emotional manipulation are all signs that things are wrong and it’s time to go.

You have your instincts, CaN and they’re clearly good ones. You just have to trust yourself and let yourself listen to them.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My situation is that I’ve been in a relationship with “Angela” for the past 3 1/2 years. Some of that was long distance and the other was live in. There is a 10 year age difference, I’m 38, she 28. We come from different backgrounds and cultures. To get to the point. When we met, within a short period of time she knew that I had religious ties to an organization in my past. I even have a tattoo associated with this belief. In the beginning and basically for the past 3 years she hasn’t really had any objections until recently. Now, it’s a huge problem. She gets so angry that I believe in something she thinks is ridiculous and can’t understand why I just don’t see her point of view and give it up or be less religious. I should add, I’m perfectly tolerant of her atheism, I have no issue with her and don’t get upset with her about it. Live and let live is my motto. This is why it’s so hard to hear the things she says and it causes huge arguments because I, according to her don’t change my belief. Today it has come to a crunch, where I basically had to argue chapter 18 of the charter of Human Rights that gives me the right to believe what I want. She still doesn’t get it and blames it on me.

What do I do?

Man Of Faith

DEAR MAN OF FAITH: What do you do? You break up with her, right the hell now. You dump her so hard her grandparents divorce retroactively.

It’s one thing to not be a fan of organized religion personally; it’s another to berate and insult other people because they are - and vice versa. This is doubly true when it comes to your (general “you”, not you, MOF) partner in a relationship. You may not share their belief (or lack thereof). You may even think that it’s absurd. You don’t even have to respect their beliefs, but if you love and care for them and want the relationship to work then you need to respect that they believe that way. If you’re both intractably set in your ways, being willing to live and let live is going to be key to lasting happiness.

But when one partner uses their faith or (again) lack thereof as a cudgel to start fights and insult their partner? It’s time to peace the righteous hell out.

The problem here isn’t your faith or her atheism, it’s her. It would be one thing if this were an occasional (good-natured) debate, or if you could disagree without it escalating to full-scale arguments. Hell, if it hadn’t been escalating, I’d say maybe you two could work things out and find a sort of detente, an agree-to-disagree arrangement and just politely pretending the difference isn’t there. But the fact that she is continually bringing your faith up and attacking you for not abandoning it? That’s abusive behavior, it’s getting worse and it’s time to get out.

This isn’t about the incompatibility of different beliefs. This is about one partner abusing the other and this isn’t going to get better.

Dump her. Dump her right now. You deserve better than this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)