DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I met a pretty nice guy. I wasn’t gonna date him but I liked talking with him until one day he confessed that he used to be the abuser in an abusive relationship. That made me wonder what happens to people like that after their abusive relationship ends. I mean, does being an abuser once or twice make a person dangerous for others for life? With STD you at least know that infecting others is not something infected person wants to do. But being violent and manipulative towards one’s partner seems to be something one must be able to control. Which makes a former abuser into a person that others should keep their distance from. Yet, it seems to be a bit unfair. So, my question is whether trusting the former abuser is no different from trusting someone with criminal record or it requires super extra caution because people rarely change?  

No Need For A Clever Name

DEAR NO NEED FOR A CLEVER NAME: Whoof. This is a tricky one, NNFACN. On the one hand, I have pretty much zero sympathy for people who abuse their partners, either physically or emotionally. It’s a deep violation of the trust that we put in our partners, and the scars that result can last a lifetime. On the other hand, I do believe in redemption and in the potential for people to come back from the Dark Side.

Unfortunately, the “I’m so ashamed, I’ll never do it again” card is an incredibly common play by abusers as a way of manipulating their victims into sticking around – so many that it’s hard to trust someone with an abusive past, even when they were disclosing it to you so you can make an informed decision about your association with them. After all, the world is full of people who are a sucker for a good redemption story.

And yet at the same time, you don’t necessarily want to slap someone down for being honest with you, especially when they’re (hopefully) doing so in good faith.

You can see how it’s possible to tie yourself in knots over this.

So I’m going to be honest: my knee-jerk reaction is “Not just no but HELL no”. But again: I WANT to believe in second chances and people’s ability to change and do better. And on the other, other hand, there are people who eagerly want to take advantage of that belief.

So here’s my thought on the matter: if you’re going to pursue this, you do so with an incredibly skeptical eye and some VERY finely tuned bulls

t detectors. You follow the old Russian proverb: trust… but verify. Someone who has a past as an abuser is someone who needs to be vetted extra carefully — we’re talking CIA levels of carefully —  before entering into a relationship with them. There are many, many questions that need to be answered: what happened, how did he or she start abusing their partner, why did they stop? Were they abused themselves? Did they have specific triggers? Was the abuse part of being addicted to drugs or alcohol? Have they undergone addiction counseling? Anger management therapy? Worked with a psychologist to deal with their underlying issues? Do they have references - exes who can tell you about their relationship?

That is not a joke – being able to talk with former lovers about the (ex) abuser can give you a more rounded picture of what he or she is like and whether or not they fake remorse as part of the abusive cycle, and they’ll have perspective that their ex doesn’t.

The guy will also have to be willing to accept that pretty much everything they do is going to be going under a microscope over the course of a relationship – little things that might be brushed off as happenstance or not a big deal can have vastly different significance when you know the person doing them has a history of emotional abuse. It will be a while, possibly a long while, until their new partner may fully trust them and the ex-abuser will have to accept that he or she is going to be on double secret probation until they’ve proven themselves. And it will take a LOT of proof.

And even then… that may not be fool-proof. Some abusers are very, very good at earning their partner’s trust, and there are many who can play the long game. It’s a good idea to have someone else as a potential sounding board/canary in the coal mine.

But to be honest: this is all theoretical. My idealism is warring HARD with what I’ve seen others experience in abusive relationships. My instinct is still to say “date somebody else.”

At the end of the day: it’s tricky, it’s complicated, and it depends entirely on the individuals involved. I want to believe that people can be redeemed, but I would demand some pretty goddamned extraordinary evidence of change. 

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in an unfortunate situation at the moment. You see, my boyfriend is in an abusive friendship, and I’m not sure how to help him. His friend, who I’ll call “Danny” was a mutual friend of ours for some time. In fact, it’s because of him that my boyfriend and I met! My boyfriend has known Danny for nearly ten years, and considers him his best friend. I met Danny 4 years ago and recently ended our friendship; he started out nice but within the past year became abusive towards me as we became closer friends, and I finally worked up the courage to get out of the relationship and cut him out of my life.

Part of the reason I woke up to the abuse is because, when I talked to my boyfriend about Danny’s negative behavior, he said that Danny had *always* been like that! He had always been exceedingly selfish and demanding of his friends’ time, simultaneously belittling and jealous of their accomplishments, prone to unpredictable verbally violent outbursts, very controlling, and sexually inappropriate (a real creeper). I asked him why he is still friends with Danny if that’s the case, and he says it’s because he believes Danny is actually a good person, he just doesn’t know any better–and that he will one day change. He also says he is one of the few true friends Danny has that haven’t left him, and that everyone needs at least one friend.

My own decision to end my friendship with Danny put some strain on my boyfriend and I’s relationship, but we have mostly worked through it. (It helps that Danny no longer lives in the same state as us, and that I have no contact whatsoever with him.) But, from what my boyfriend tells me, Danny has not changed his behavior, and continues to hurt my boyfriend and treat him abusively. I do not want to pressure my boyfriend to leave a friendship he wants to stay in, especially since it might seem I’m only doing it because I am no longer friends with Danny, or that I somehow want to hurt Danny as “revenge” for abusing me. This isn’t the case, I just want my boyfriend to stop being hurt. How do I–in fact, CAN I?–make him see that he’s in an abusive friendship? And how do I help get him out of it?

Thanks for your help,

Worried

DEAR WORRIED: When we talk about abuse, we almost always talk about it in the context of an abusive relationship – usually romantic or parental. It’s incredibly easy to forget that friends can be abusers as well. In fact, in a lot of ways, it’s harder to rid yourself of an abusive friend because we tend to be so slow to recognize it and when we do, we don’t recognize just how much damage it does. I’ve lost track of how many people I’ve known who’ve had incredibly toxic “friends” and put up with their abuse for years – sometimes decades – because we just don’t have any real cultural recognition of the issue outside of cutesy names like “frenemies”.

Unfortunately, you’re caught in an impossible situation, Worried. You can’t make your boyfriend break up with Danny, any more than a concerned friend can make their best friend break up with their abusive partner. Making ultimatums will only make it worse; it gives Danny ammunition to claim that you’re just “jealous” and to whip out the “I was here first” card to play on your boyfriend’s sense of loyalty. And from the sounds of things, your boyfriend is admirably loyal – even to people who don’t actually deserve his loyalty. You also can’t make him see things the way you do; those years of being Danny’s friend are going to be a powerful filter. You can present the facts to him – point out how much he feels like crap after talking or hanging out with Danny, show him all the ways that Danny abuses him and cuts him down. You can even point out that if you were describing a female friend talking about her abusive boyfriend as “a nice guy who doesn’t know any better” and how “he’ll change some day”, your boyfriend would (probably) be insisting that she should leave his ass ASAP. But in the end it’s not going to do any good because things aren’t going to change until your boyfriend wants them to change. He is going to have to hit the point where he can’t take the abuse any more and recognizes that the only thing he can do is leave.

Now what can you do? Well, the most powerful thing you could do is something you’ve already done: you cut ties with Danny. You refuse to be complicit in the abuse by being part of Danny’s world and letting him manipulate you the way he’s manipulating your boyfriend. The next thing you can do is simply be Team Boyfriend; be the person who supports him, who cares for him and treats him the way he deserves to be treated. He needs someone on his side who can help draw out the poison. But – and I realize that this is going to be hard – you have to be non-judgmental as you do it. You’ve made your case about the way Danny treats him; the next move is your boyfriend’s. It’s ok to get frustrated that he doesn’t see the abuse but at the same time, blaming your boyfriend for not seeing things the way you do isn’t going to help him and will just push him away. You can keep him busy as the two of you build a life together. But the most important thing is simply be there for him. He needs someone to support him and this will be doubly true if and when he finally decides to cut ties. There’s going to be an ugly period as he processes everything that’s happened and he’s going to need your help afterwards.

It’s not going to be easy. In fact, it’s probably going to be pretty damn maddening. You’ll grind your teeth and want to tear your hair out. But in the end… being the support he needs will be the strongest and most important part of helping him break the cycle of abuse.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been dating my good friend for six months now, things with him are going really well. Not only do we have many similar interests but we are also similar in personalities and wave length. And because we were friends first, he knows the real me.

My issue is that after being in so many failed relationships (where I felt like I’ve put in more effort than the guy), I have became rather insecure. Knowing this issue, he still wants to be with me and we are really happy together. We talk about the future often and I don’t feel insecure around him…. but only when I’m with him. The problem is that both our careers require traveling. He also travels for pleasure often (generally without me because scheduling doesn’t work). So for literally half of our relationship, we have been apart.

My insecurities only get to me when we are apart for too long (more than a week) because he is not good with online communication. Sometimes he forgets to respond. Sometimes he would message me but not in regards to what I just said. Sometimes I would mention a couple of things and he would only comment on one. This is actually not much of an issue when we are both in the same city or if it’s a short trip because we see each other often. I’ll just bring up unaddressed comments the next time I see him and he’s fine in person. But it is a problem when we are apart for too long because I feel like we aren’t having actual conversations… and when we are not in the same city, it’s really one of the few connections we have.

Currently I am out of the country for work and the plan is to be gone for half a year to a year. It’s been a month now and it’s been really hard on me. When he is busy with activities (which is often), he is not responsive at all, especially if he’s on a trip. It makes sense that he wants to be present. I understand that yet I still get insecure. I feel like I am secondary to what he’s currently doing and not important enough to even say hi. He said that statement is unfair and that I am important. We would also Skype when we can but with the time difference (15 hours), plus sleep and work, we have very little over lap time.

I’ve addressed it to him before and he admits that he’s no good at long distance/online dating. I can tell that after our talks though, he’s been trying to be more responsive to me… but since it continues to get brought up even though he tries, he feels that it isn’t something he can change much in the long run.

We have already fought twice within the month in regards to this (this is a lot for us). I can tell that if we continue to constantly fight like this, especially with the distance, it will break us.

Logically, I know he cares for me. Aside from everything else, he’s been making plans to move across the world to be with me even though he doesn’t want to move. But emotionally and irrationally, I still get insecure when he isn’t really responsive. I’m starting to feel like I could be over reacting and it really is a “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of thing.

What do you suggest I do to let go of my insecurities so that it won’t ruin our relationship?

Thank you for your time,

Insecurity Guard

DEAR INSECURITY GUARD: Forgive me for half a moment Insecurity Guard, because you’ve accidentally tripped up on one of my pet-peeves that I see all the time in people. You aren’t doing this, IG, but your situation is close enough that it’s worth mentioning.

I talk a lot about the importance of self-awareness when it comes to dating. Self-awareness is a vital skill; it’s part of what helps us recognize unhelpful patterns in our lives. It’s what makes us conscious about possible issues we may have that might be off-putting to others. It also makes us aware of our good qualities – something that a lot of people1 are very bad at.

But one of the key components of being self-aware of one’s flaws is the willingness to address them. Something I’ve run into frequently – and believe me, this is something that spans all genders and orientations -is the idea that being aware of an issue somehow excuses you from having it. I have heard people say verbatim “Yes, I’m a jerk, but I know I am, so it’s OK.”

Um… no. No it freaking isn’t. “Take me as I am” isn’t a license to be a complete jackass to others. You (generic you) don’t get a pass on awful behavior because you acknowledge that it’s awful. At best, you’re providing a warning to others before they get involved with you. At worst… well, you’re expecting people to forgive you and allow you your awfulness. That’s not how this works. If you’re going to own your behavior, then you have to do something with it… even if that’s dealing with the consequences.

(ahem)

OK, that rant aside, let’s turn back to you, IG. You’re different in this case: you’re saying “hey, I’m kind of an insecure bag of slop and I’d really like to stop being an insecure bag of slop.” And hey: all of us are insecure bags of slop. Everyone’s got their issues and insecurities. Right now, you’re staring yours in the face and looking for a way to make it quit being quite so bad.

The thing is, you don’t have an insecurity problem (well, you do, but that’s not the major component) so much as a long-distance problem. Long distance relationships are hard under the best of circumstances – it’s difficult enough to keep a relationship going when you’re living a couple hours’ drive away. When you’re trying to maintain a relationship with half the goddamn planet between you… well, you’ve chosen to play on Expert Mode without the benefit of a New Game + save.

So before we get started with any of this, the first thing you need to do is change your vocabulary. Words have power, and how we describe things affects how we think of them. So when you’re talking about this, change the verb. You aren’t insecure (active form of “to be”), you’re feeling insecure (active form of “to feel”). When you say “I’m insecure”, you’re saying that insecurity about relationships defines who you are. When you say “I’m feeling insecure”, you’re saying that this is an emotion you’re experiencing, not your permanent state of being.

A little woo-woo, new-agey? Yeah, a little. But trust me on this: it works.

Now to handle this properly, it requires a two-pronged approach. The first is dealing with your feelings of insecurity. The second is working on how to make your new LDR work between you and your sometimes incommunicative boyfriend.

In the first: well, I’m going to give you my standard disclaimer: Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor. And if these feelings of insecurity are really overpowering you and causing you serious distress, the best thing you can do is talk to a therapist. They’re going to be better positioned to help you deal with those issues over the long-term. Depending on where you are, there may be resources available to you (especially if you’re in a sane country that has national health-care… unlike the US) that you should see about taking advantage of. If there aren’t, there are still options you might be able to use. Over on my Tumblr, I’ve written up a list of affordable therapy alternatives, many of which are online or have heavy online components.

But one thing I will suggest is retraining your brain. Intellectually, you know you have nothing to worry about. Emotionally, however, your heart isn’t listening to your intellectual side and that’s leading you into these recurring thought-patterns that tell you something’s gone drastically wrong and everything’s about to go tits-up. So what you need to do is learn to break those patterns. When you get into one of those downward spirals of thought-maelstroms what you need to do is acknowledge that you’re feeling something (again, feeling, not are) and consciously reframe the situation. When you’re thinking “He’s not responding to me, he doesn’t think I’m important enough to respond to,” you consciously say “No, he’s busy and a little forgetful. I’m just feeling insecure. If he were in the same city, I’d just talk to him about it later.” Repeat this to yourself every time you start to spiral into feelings of insecurity; it’ll soon become automatic and help calm you down.

You may also want to look into mindfulness meditation; this can be a good way to be more aware of your thought-patterns and emotional triggers, which is the first step towards being able to break them.

Now for making the long-distance issue work, your boyfriend has to understand the facts of life here. When you’re doing an LDR, communication is more important than ever. When you don’t have things like body language and physical proximity to communicate feelings and emotions or reassurance, then you need to make what you say, when you say it and how you say it an even higher priority than it is when the two of you are in person.

First: learn to embrace asynchronous communication. Back in ye olden days before we had things like the Internet and cheap long-distance calling plans, most of us who did the LDR thing had to rely on writing letters. Like, physical, lick-the-envelope-stick-a-stamp-wait-by-the-mailbox letters. And in complete honesty… that could actually enhance things. Getting a letter from my LD girlfriend (who was in New Jersey, not Canada, thank you very much) would be the high point of my day; checking the mail was kind of exhilarating. But now that we can have nigh-instantaneous communication with anyone in the world at any time… we’ve got kind of spoiled.

So it’s time to use your words… and by that I mean write some emails. Letter writing is a fine-art and one that was celebrated between couples separated by distance and circumstance. It lets you have full conversations full of longing and emotion, even if you’re not having them in real-time. It also makes it easier to point out that hey, your honeybun didn’t respond to this particular part of your last missive, maybe he could get on that hmmm?

Texting is another way you can keep the lines of communication open, even when you’re literally on opposite sides of the world. If you have a smartphone, something like What’s App can save you the cost of sending texts internationally (which, incidentally, is a damn racket and I despise cellphone providers for milking us like this) and allow you to continue the conversation at your convenience. Plus: if he’s taking a bit to get back to you – longer, that is, than the 15 hour time difference might account for – then you can give him a gentle poke to respond to when he gets up.

Also: schedule Skype sessions to make sure there’s overlap. These are too important to just let them happen. Yeah, you’re on a 15-hour time difference and you have different responsibilities that can make this hard. This is why you want to schedule these dates and stick to ’em like glue. I’d recommend picking a time when you’re both going to be able to stay up late (or get up stupid early) – a weekend is ideal for this – and then alternate who gets up when. On even sessions, he stays up while you call him up at a reasonable hour in your locale. On odd sessions, you get the late night/early morning while he calls from a normal time. This helps keep the burden from being completely on one of you and leaving you feeling drained and cranky and more likely to resent his “can’t-be-bothered-to-skype-you-at-O-Christ-Hundred” ass.

And one more thing about your boyfriend: I want you to send him the link to this article and make him read it because it’s goddamn important to note that a relationship isn’t about one person doing the work. Remember what I said earlier about how self-awareness isn’t an excuse? That applies to him. Just because he “knows he’s not good at the LD thing” doesn’t mean he’s suddenly forgiven from having to put some goddamn effort in. He sounds like he doesn’t want to make any changes because he doesn’t want to be inconvenienced. To which I reply: “Cowboy the hell up already!”

Because let’s face it: you know you feel insecure about relationships, especially while you’re forcibly separated. You’ve let him know that this is an issue for you and you’re making a point of trying to handle your crap. If he cares about you and about making this relationship work, then he has to be willing to handle HIS crap too. Working on being more supportive, more communicative and more responsive is not that high of a bar to clear, especially when it’s for somebody he purports to care about and wants to have a future with. If he’s just not willing to put in the work – if his only response is to throw his hands up and say “Hey, I told you I’m not good at this LDR stuff, so you can’t expect more from me – then he’s telling you that he’s prioritizing his convenience over your relationship.

And if that’s the case… well, I hate to say it, but you’re better off without him.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an odd situation at hand that definitely needs advice from an expert.

A bit of backstory, I’ve known “Se” since we were in college, and I fell hard for her. The only problem was that she’s a lesbian. Back in the day, I hadn’t had a girlfriend, but I worked up the courage to ask her out. She didn’t quite reject me, she just said that at that moment, she couldn’t. Since i’m an idiot, I burned bridges with her and moved on with my life. In the meantime, I feel that I’ve acquired experience with my past girlfriends, and I’m a bit better at the subject.

Since November, we reopened communication, and it’s been great. Turns out she just got out of a serious relationship and for whatever reason she thought of me. She told me that she misses me, since then we’ve been hanging out a lot, going to the cinema, eating and that sort of things.

But now we’re more touchy than ever, getting real close and personal. We’ve been cuddling for hours at my place, sending us texts about how much we like each other, and how much we miss each other, but I’m kinda scared about my next move. I’m dying to kiss her and roll the dice once more. Now that we have a trip to the beach in the horizon, I really don’t know what to do. I really, really like her, and it’s evident to me that she also likes me. I don’t know if she does it in a relationship kinda way, but she has feelings for me, that much I know.

I need help with this. The only question in my head (as Van Halen once said), “It’s got what it takes, so why can’t this be love?”

Thanks

So Confused

DEAR SO CONFUSED: let’s talk a bit about sexuality and sexual identities.

One of the (many) things that isn’t covered in sex ed these days is that sexuality is fluid. There’re gay people, straight people, bisexual people, pansexual people (that is: people who don’t believe in the gender binary and are attracted to individuals regardless of gender) and everything in between… and some people will slide around a little in their sexual identity. There are people, gay or straight, who may discover that they’re attracted to a specific person outside of their preferred gender. There are guys who like trans women because they are turned on by the idea of a woman who also has a penis. There’re straight people who will say “a mouth is a mouth” and accept a blow-job from a gay guy while they close their eyes and think of Christina Hendricks.  And there are gay men and women who’ve discovered to their surprise that they may be more bisexual than they previously thought.

So in the strictly hypothetical sense, it’s possible that your friend is bisexual or sexually fluid and open to a relationship with a man.

HOWEVER.

It’s equally as likely that she just feels comfortable with you as a friend. There are many forms of love; not just eros (love of the body) but agape (romantic contentment) and philia (platonic affection for friends).  You can love someone, enjoy your time with them and be open about missing them when you’re platonic friends, not just when you’re both in romantic love.

But what about the cuddles?

Well, women are socialized to be more touchy-feely in general, but especially with people they’re close to, and it’s entirely possible that she feels comfortable cuddling with you because she sees you as someone safe who respects her boundaries.

Or hey. It could mean she’s a little more fluid than she thought and you’re in a Chasing Amy situation. I doubt it, but it’s possible.

So how do you sort this out without ruining your friendship? By using your words. You just ask her. Say “Hey, I feel like I’m picking up on a vibe here and you can feel free to tell me I’m nuts, but I just want to make sure I’m not misreading things. I’m really enjoying our friendship, but at times it feels like maybe there’s more? It’s cool if I’m wrong, because I really appreciate what we have; I just want to make sure whether I’m just completely off base.”

You want to make sure that she understands a) that she’s free to tell you that you’re misreading things (if that’s what’s going on) and that b) you’re good with being friends in the event that you are wrong. After all: it was your freak-out at her rejection last time that lead to the two of you being out of touch with one another. So when/if she reminds you that she’s gay… be cool this time. Just say “OK, I just wanted to make sure,” and let it go. Don’t make your being friends contingent on your feelings for her; that’s not fair to her, and it’s a great way to actually ruin a friendship.

You’ve got a good thing going with your friend, even if it’s not necessarily the relationship you’d prefer. That’s something worth holding on to, even if you wish it could be different.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently had to block a guy on Facebook… 

We met at an event I was hosting and when he messaged me (after finding out I was single), I told him I wasn’t ready to date. He said he wasn’t either; he just wanted to be friends….

Over the last two months I’ve encountered the same situation with other guys, where I’d tell them I wasn’t ready to date, they asked to just be friends and we’d chat for a while only to find they kept pushing me to meet them or start dating. I would end up telling them flat out I wasn’t interested and then when they wouldn’t take “no” for an answer I’d end up blocking them because they obviously weren’t respecting my boundaries.

So now this guy comes along with the same song and dance, and naively I assumed maybe this guy would be different (Lesson learned! No more adding guys to my Facebook unless I’m willing to date them!).

On the first day he messaged me eight times in 4 hours without me even having responded. The next day was the same thing and I was having flashbacks to my previous Facebook encounters; so I told him to tone it down and back off a bit. I reiterated that I wasn’t ready to date. He listened and toned down on the amount of messages.

During this time I was working on self improvement and healing so I would be able to date again. I feel I’m almost ready to enter back into the dating world and this weekend I have an event where there is the potential to meet some single guys, but it felt like my new Facebook buddy was still trying to make a connection and I wanted to make it clear to him that I wasn’t interested in dating him. He’s a nice guy, but that initial contact screamed “I’m needy! Please pay attention to me!!” and that’s not what I’m looking for in a guy….

And it felt like he was still trying to flirt! He would send me pictures of his drawings; everyday! He would comment on a Facebook post I made, like the same Facebook post and then bring up the Facebook post again in a private message. There were several emotion icons in every email and  he would keep saying how appreciative he was that I was his friend….

Today I decided to be honest and tell him that I have no interest in actually dating him. I don’t want to drag that baggage into a new relationship and I don’t want this guy getting good hurt if in three months he sees I’ve changed my status to “in a relationship”; especially if this entire time he was hoping I would see the light and pick him.

I flat out told him that I wasn’t interested and was concerned that he was still hoping to more than friendship….

He was angry! How dare I accuse him of wanting to be more than friends? Why didn’t I believe him? He told me he was tired of my BS and I was being paranoid.

Once again, I blocked another guy on Facebook. Afterwards though I found myself wondering if I had actually misinterpreted his contact as flirting. Not that is really matters now; I’ll hopefully never hear from him again, but I feel like I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that maybe I’ve lost touch with what flirting is.

Was I right to assume he was still hinting at wanting more than friendship?

Thanks!

Dazed and Confused

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED: Honestly DaC, it’s a little hard for me to say definitively one way or the other without having been there to see the posts and the context. So I’m of two minds.

On the one hand, it’s entirely possible that you were a little hypersensitive – with good reason, to be sure – to the possibility that he was flirting with you. It’s entirely possible that he was a bit on the awkward side and more enthusiasm than grace – like the human equivalent of a golden retriever puppy stumbling over it’s oversized paws. If he was making a good-faith effort to tone things down after you asked him, I could see him feeling a bit put out when he was trying – in his awkward way – to be a friend.

That having been said, his reaction sounds over-the-top for the situation, and if he flips out that hard over being told “hey, it feels like you’re getting flirty again and that’s really not something I’m interested in…” then not only does it seem like a case of “he doth protest too much,” but weeding out someone who’s generally unpleasant and sets your Spidey-senses tingling.

In the future… honestly, like Private Number last week, I’d say let yourself be a little more on your guard and a little more hesitant to add people to Facebook if you don’t know them well. It’s possible that you’re a little hyper-vigilant, but that’s not a reason to ignore your instincts either. You can’t prevent dudes from pulling the Platonic Friend Back Door Gambit and trying to Nice Guy their way into your pants, but you can limit the access they have to you in your day to day life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)