DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an asexual woman in her early twenties. As much as I sometimes detest it, I really feel no sexual attraction at all, and I don’t think I ever will. Before I became familiar with the idea of asexuality, I assumed I was heterosexual with a low sex drive… but even back then I hadn’t had much luck in the dating area. I either thought myself too young for a relationship or focused most of my attention on education and hobbies. (I also struggled – and still do – with many self-esteem issues, but back to that later.) Up to this point, I’ve only been in one relationship, in high school – which was long-distance and lasted whole two months. Nothing physical happened, really, except for cuddling and kisses on the cheek.

I suppose it also might be relevant that I struggle with depression, anxiety and a bit of social phobia. Self-esteem issues, originating from not very pleasant experiences from childhood, are also a big factor in my romantic life (or rather: the lack thereof).

The problem is that, well, I do want a relationship. I’m interested in men and want a long-term partner – maybe even marriage at some point. The problem is that, mental health aside, I don’t feel comfortable pursuing a relationship or even encouraging possible affection, because I feel a bit like a fraud. Explaining asexuality to people tends to be awkward, virtually nobody is familiar with the term, and the thought of, for instance, creating a profile on Tinder immediately causes the internal response of “Even if someone does like me, how am I going to explain the ‘no sex’ thing? And what man is going to pursue a relationship with me, knowing that it means no sex at all for as long as we’re together?”. I feel as if I’d be deceiving the guys involved – thinking they’re going to enter a normal relationship and instead being forced to get acquainted with a totally new concept of human sexuality, which means that they’re not gonna get laid.

Now, I do realise that some asexual people opt for a compromise and agree for their partners to fulfill their sexual urges with other people, but I don’t really feel comfortable with that idea. I’d really like to be exclusive with whomever I pursue a relationship with… but that seems like an unattainable thing to dream of.

Working on my mental health is, of course, a priority, but I would really appreciate some advice with how to handle dating while being asexual. Are my worries unfounded? Should I just be more confident with my value as a person and a possible romantic partner?

Thank you so much in advance,

Ace Girl

DEAR ACE GIRL: This is going to be a thorny one and there aren’t any easy or clear-cut answers AG so let me start with this truth: you are absolutely deserving of and worthy of finding love and a relationship that makes you happy.

The tricky aspects come about when you want to define “relationship that makes you happy” and then going about finding one. As much as I promote maintaining an abundance mentality (more on this later), it’s possible to have things in your emotional or romantic make-up that’re going to restrict the size of your dating pool. If you (general you, not you, AG) are exclusively homosexual, then you by definition have restricted yourself to a much smaller pool of potential partners, just by dint of demographics; there are simply fewer gay, bi or pansexual people out there. That’s going to make things tougher.

In your case, being ace is going to cut down the number of potential partners; most people’s definitions of relationships include a sexual component, in one form or another. Now it’s entirely possible to have a companionate marriage – where your sex is de-prioritized or completely unimportant but the other aspects of your connection with your partner take priority instead. However, if you want a sexually exclusive relationship without sex… well, you’re going to have a much harder time finding someone who’s going to be on the same page as you. This isn’t to say it’s impossible, but the number of partners you might be compatible with will be very small indeed.

Now let me be clear: being asexual doesn’t mean that you’re not worth dating or defective. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a lot to offer a potential partner or that there won’t be people who’d be lucky to be in a relationship with you. It just means that you’re not going to be compatible with a lot people… and to be honest, that’s for the best. Trying to make a relationship work with someone you’re fundamentally incompatible with is a recipe for heartbreak and sorrow, especially if you both really want to make things work.

So what about that abundance mentality I was mentioning before, when it’s pretty demonstrable that you’ve got a smaller pool of potential candidates than others? Well, abundance is about more than just playing the numbers, it’s about attitude. Maintaining an abundance mentality helps you develop and maintain your emotional resilience in the face of hard times and difficulties. It helps you not be destroyed by bad luck or dates that didn’t work out and encourages you to take risks that you might otherwise avoid if you believe that each rejection just means you’re one step closer to being forever alone. It means that you don’t get trapped in soul-crushingly toxic relationships simply because you think that’s this or nothing. So even when you can prove that your dating pool is more limited with charts and graphs, it’s still worth developing and maintaining that abundance mentality. Which actually brings us to the practical side of this ramble:

If you want a relationship, then you can and should look for one… just with a willingness to be creative and adapt to your circumstances. And a lot of that adaptiveness means deciding what compromises you are and aren’t willing to make in the name of finding a relationship.

To start with, you should do some deep thinking about just why you want an exclusive commitment. If sex is unimportant – or even repulsive – to you, then why would exclusivity be important? Is it because you worry that – even with an open relationship – your partner might want to leave you for someone who isn’t ace? Is it because you don’t know if you’re able to do the emotional balancing that open relationships frequently require? Is it because you’ve grown up with an expectation of exclusivity and you’ve gotten used to the idea versus what you actually want or care about? There’re no right or wrong answers here; you just want to make sure you understand yourself so that you can adjust your dating strategy accordingly. In terms of cold-blooded practicality, being open to a non-exclusive relationship will increase the potential number of candidates; however, in personal terms, this does you no good if non-exclusivity means you’d be carving out slivers of your heart every week.

You’ll have decide whether changing your standards is a compromise that’s worth making or if it’s a change too far.

The other thing I would suggest is that you adjust where and how you’re trying to find people. It may be in your best interest to find someone who is asexual, like yourself – it certainly simplifies the sexuality component of the relationship. I would also suggest that most online dating sites – particularly ones like Tinder – are not a good fit for you; most of the people there are looking for relationships where sex is going to figure in prominently. OKCupid isn’t going to do you much good if 99.999% of the people messaging you are looking for sex, after all. And while you can filter out the obvious bad candidates and search for people whose profiles de-prioritize sex, it’s still going to be looking for a needle in a haystack where the hay looks an awful lot like needles. Now there are ace dating sites or sites where people are looking for relationships where sex isn’t a priority, but you may have better luck simply building your social circle and finding your community. Cultivating a social network gives people a chance to get to know you and see all the wonderful things you have to offer instead of making a decision right off the bat like online dating does. This lets a potential relationship grow organically before they  have to decide whether they think a relationship with you is going to be worth the price of entry.

I’m not going to lie to you, AG: you’re going to have a harder time finding the sort of relationship you’re describing right now than most people will. It may well take you longer to find someone than you’d like. You may decide it’s easier to be single and find other things that fulfill you. It’s going to be up to you to decide whether or not you think the trials are worth it. But whether you do or you don’t: take care of yourself, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Find your Team You, who can provide you with support and encouragement when you need it. You should be your own first priority.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how things are going.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve just started dating a guy with some major sexist hang ups. He’s from another country so some of it’s cultural, but one of the big ones is that he kind of shames me for having slept with him so early (even though he did actually attempt to get me into bed even earlier). I’m not the sort of person who goes in for casual sex normally, so me sleeping with him so soon was unusual for me, but I don’t judge so-called sluts either, if you want to bang people you just met, have at, whether you’re male or female, you’re not hurting anybody. Because of my history he knows I’m not “a slut” but he’s completely blind to the double standard he has with regards to men vs. women in the matter of casual sex. He’s slept with about ten times as many people as I have, and some VERY recently before I showed up. Plus, he slept with me within the same timeframe, so how is that fair? He says that promiscuous people are more likely to cheat, which as well as being a generalization with no basis in fact, is twisted logic that if we were to follow to its conclusion, means he is more likely to cheat on me than me on him. How do I introduce him to the concept of equality in this area without completely bashing him over the head with a feminist tirade? You seem to be good at communicating these ideas. Language is an issue too as you might have guessed.

“Promiscuous” Girl

DEAR “PROMISCUOUS” GIRL: Gonna be honest, PG: I’m kind of wondering whether it’s worth sleeping with someone who’s carting around all of these sexual double-standards. To mis-quote John Waters: if you go home with someone and you find out that they’re carting around a lot of sex-negative, madonna-whore ideas about women and female sexuality, don’t f

k them. I’m also not terribly big on the “…but if you don’t teach me, how will I learn” argument that comes up a lot around matters like these, or the idea that women can or should be the emotional Sherpa to guide dudes out of their awful attitudes while putting up with their BS.

But hey, you know this guy and I don’t. Maybe he’s got qualities that otherwise make up for the fact that he’s kind of a chauvinist pig. Maybe I’m being unfair and there’s a legitimate chance to help this dude see the light. So how do you go about trying to change this guy’s mind without making him feel like going to get the Clockwork Orange treatment from Andrea Dworkin? Well, you challenge his beliefs… carefully.

One of the mistakes that a lot of people make when it comes to arguing with others is that it’s very hard to brow-beat someone into changing their minds; in fact, fighting with them is a great way to invoke the Backfire Effect, which means that they’ll just double-down on what they already believe, evidence be damned. On the other hand, one of the best ways to change somebody’s mind is to let them think it was their idea – to hide the fact that you’re Jedi mind-tricking them by leading them to a place where they start to question their beliefs themselves. It’s part of why the Socratic method is so effective; it feels more meaningful when it’s your own thought.

Challenging him head-on – telling him he’s wrong and a bad person (even though he is)  is a great way to make him get defensive and quit listening. It challenges his culture and world-view and that’s a hard thing to shake. Asking him leading questions, on the other hand, is a great way to start making him recognize the absurdity of what he’s saying – instead of your putting him on the defensive, you’re making him think about things he’s likely never examined critically in his life.

So the next time the matter comes up, talk about it… but from a questioning position, rather than a lecturing one. You want to emphasize that you respect his intelligence and see him as a partner instead of being ignorant. So taking up the point of “more promiscuous people are more likely to cheat,” then you point out to him the same logical fallacy you pointed out to me: doesn’t that mean he’s more likely to cheat on you? If he brings up the idea of women being sluts, then ask what makes the difference between a man with many partners and a woman with just as many. He’s slept with hordes of women, which puts him at far more risk for sexually transmitted diseases than you who’ve had far fewer partners. Why doesn’t this make him dirty? 

(For the record, I hate the idea that having an STI makes you “dirty” or “unclean” which is all kindsa crap. But using his language can sometimes get through in ways that using terms he’s not familiar with so…)

Make him explain the rationalization for it, then point out how it makes no sense. Ask what the magic number is for women – how many partners can she have before she’s a slut? Why is it that one time that makes a difference between a woman and a whore? What’s the evidence for why it’s ok for men to act this way but not women? Don’t accept “that’s just how it is” as an answer; ask why it’s that way. Make him explain it, in detail. Question each part – what evidence is there, why is it “just so”, who says this?

It’s also worth putting a face onto his ideas. Does he realize how insulting he’s being when he’s slut-shaming you for giving in “too quickly” when he’s the one who was pushing for sex. Point out that he was trying to have sex with you much earlier than you agreed to. Doesn’t that make him the asshole for wanting something from you then insulting you for providing it? Why should he want you if you’re “too easy”and – more importantly – why should you want him if he thinks that you’re not as “pure” as other girls? For that matter, isn’t it kind of insulting all around for him to assume that it’s just how guys are to want sex more than women? Are men just animals who can’t control themselves? Are men simply children who need to be reigned in by people more responsible than they are? If so, why should you want to date a child who’s ruled by his penis and needs someone to say “no” to him?

Another thing that’s worth considering is the “enlightened self-interest” angle – showing why his attitude makes things harder for him and why being more enlightened sexually helps create a world where sex is actually more available. I know a lot of people dislike this idea – it can feel like you’re telling dudes to collect feminist cookies in hopes of getting more sex – but studies have shown that demonstrating the material effects of an attitude or belief is one of the better ways to change someone’s mind. You’re not challenging their belief, you’re showing them a better way.

The other thing to do is that you want an alternative explanation to his just-so stories; leaving that informational hole without something else to take its place just means that he’ll fall back onto his original beliefs. It also helps to have a response for the usual tired old arguments. If he brings up the old “a key that opens a lot of locks is a special key, a lock that opens to any key is a bad lock”, then point out that a pencil that goes into many sharpeners gets smaller and more useless. If he goes into evo-psych about humans and primates and alpha males, you can point out that the only primates who have sex outside of estrus are bonobos, who don’t have male-dominated harems. You may want to look into getting copies of books like What Do Women Want and Sex At Dawn that help provide science-backed alternatives to the usual slut-shaming narrative and books like My Secret Garden that may help open his eyes to what women’s sexuality is really like.

It can also be useful to have a guy friend talk to him about it; not only do (sexist) men tend to listen to other men over women, but people in general tend to be more receptive to new information if it comes from someone who’s of the same “tribe”.

But again: that’s all assuming it’s worth making the effort instead of kicking the dude to the curb. Because quite frankly, someone insulting you for “giving it up too quickly” is a pretty good sign that they’re not worth sleeping with in the first place. Your call.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a long time reader and I’ve never needed personalized advice before (happy enough to read your advice to others), but here we are.

I have been dating Alpha for three years and a half now. We started having the best sex of our lives and then discovered we were meant for each other. He is intellectually stimulating in a way my former partners weren’t, he is caring (puts up pretty well with my ups and downs), he makes me laugh and he loves me unconditionally. These things have been there from the start and still are.

However, he’s also got pretty big family issues, he was depressed and addicted to drugs in the past and he probably has some kind of mental health problem – a mood disorder, I’d say. He refuses to seek help because of bad past experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists.

I’m 28 and he’s 26. I’ve got a degree, a nice job, plans for the future, lots of hobbies and tons of friends. He finished high school, dropped out of college, has no work experience, has isolated himself from his friends and, since we’re together, spends his time smoking joints, playing video games/instruments, reading and working on a crazy startup project (already for 2 years) which doesn’t look profitable at all.

I’m the caretaker type and I’ve reeeally tried. I’ve paid for a psychologist, but he stopped going. I’ve offered him love and all the space he needs (he’s a bit antisocial). About a year ago, I started feeling deeply unhappy: we spent almost no time together, no time with my friends ever and he talked all the time about moving together but didn’t seem to be getting anywhere with job/studies. I tried to talk to him many times, even sent him a letter. Nothing worked.

I recently moved out of my parents’ place, sick of waiting for him to get a job.

And then it happened. I went to a music festival and reconnected with a great friend, Bravo. I kind of liked him at university, but he was so difficult, and still is. Amazing, creative, fun to party with, a music connoisseur… but at 31 he’s still trying to finish his degree, has almost no work experience and is a bit of a mess. See a pattern there?

We started talking a lot, dancing and ended up making out while drunk. I felt so guilty. And Bravo doesn’t even remember!

The thing is Bravo and I have been having this weird story for 10 years. All we have had are drunken hookups because he was always so weird and I’ve always thought he found me hot, but he wasn’t interested. Sex has never been great cause he was always so drunk, too. I recently asked Bravo if he was interested in me at university and he was, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask if it was love or lust.

I was the first person with whom he cheated on his only girlfriend. I once kissed him while in a relationship crisis and broke up with the guy the next day. And now this: I’m in a crisis, and here he comes again.

After making out with Bravo and with another random guy, I told Alpha I needed a break. He didn’t think it was a good idea, suddenly realized how unfair he had been to me and surprise! the miracle happened. He got a job, he moved in with me and he started hanging out with my friends. He more or less forgave my infidelity, although he doesn’t know who it was with.

Fast forward two months and Alpha been having problems with getting paid. The little he’s got goes to the startup. I pay for everything. And he refuses to look for another job till they pay him, giving himself excuses. He tries to be tidy and clean around our home, but it’s not his nature. He tries to hang out with my friends, but I can tell he doesn’t enjoy it.

And last weekend I went partying. Bravo was there. My best friend and him are starting something long distance, and I’m happy for them – they’re a bit of a mess, but it might work. They’re two of my favorite people.

While drinking some shots, Bravo told me he’s starting to really like my best friend, and he doesn’t want to, he’s scared, since he always screws these things up. I told him he should really try this time, and also that I wish my boyfriend was partying with us, that things were better and that I loved him very much. We were happy for each other.

One hour later we were unspeakably drunk, kissing each other like teenagers and having to restraint ourselves not to go home together. We were even caressing and all fluffy.

And now I can’t stop thinking about Bravo, about our conversations and about having sex with him. He hasn’t texted me, but has replied to a text I couldn’t help sending. I don’t think Bravo feels the same way, he likes my best friend and it’s so difficult for him to like a girl.

So here I am. Alpha loves me deeply and has started to change (the job!!!), but it seems it’s not enough, and that he’s just doing it for me, not because he really wants to. I don’t want to leave him just when he’s trying so hard and make him move back with his family. I also don’t want to be unfaithful and I’m getting close to that every day.

And Bravo is starting something with my best friend. I don’t think I can compete with her, she’s great at charming guys. And I also don’t want to, since Bravo is basically like Alpha, the same red flags. Just a bit more of a party animal and more social, that’s it. And with a story of infidelity and fear of commitment, which makes him way worse than Alpha. Even if my body and feelings tell me so, I don’t want a relationship with him.

But what’s wrong with us? Why can’t we seem to move on after 10 years and still come back to each other even when it’s the worst idea ever?

What can I do, Doctor? I’m a bit desperate.

Attracted to Peter Pans

DEAR ATTRACTED TO PETER PANS: As similar as Alpha and Bravo are, you’ve got two different issues going on. But let’s start with Alpha.

Alpha is the classic definition of “wasted potential”. It’s not that he’s stupid, shiftless or otherwise a bad guy… it’s just that, at the end of the day, he has no ambition or motivation. He’s in a rut… and he likes his rut. It’s comfortable there. It doesn’t make any real demands of him. And that’s where he’s going to stay, an object at rest until acted upon by an outside force. It’s significant that he only started to change after you said you needed a break: up until now, his coasting along had no consequences. Suddenly, he’s faced with an existential threat to his relationship with you and he realizes that if he wants to date you, then things need to change!

And so they do. For a little while. The problem is that Alpha likes his ruts and he’s starting to settle into a new one. He may not be stoner slacker he used to be, but he’s gone back into autopilot again. He’s done enough to assure himself that the threat to his relationship has been removed and now he’s ready to get back to coasting. And that’s where he’s going to stay until there’s yet another threat to motivate him again.

But really, why shouldn’t he? As it is, there are no downsides to his behavior. He’s got you paying all of the bills and taking care of him like he’s a child. He’s got his minimal-effort life, just the way he likes it.

The problem is that he’s not a child, you’re not his mom and, frankly, you’ve got your own life to lead. It’s not your job to keep cracking the whip on him every time he’s about to settle into a new comfy rut. That way lies the path to resentment and bitterness on both sides: for you because you keep having to manage his life for him, and for him because suddenly you’re the taskmistress and harridan that keeps him from enjoying a fine indica and some Red Dead Redemption 2 marathons.

Then there’s Bravo. Bravo is like that song that gets stuck in your head. You may not think about it for years, but suddenly there it is again, that little refrain you keep hearing on repeat. The reason why those refrains get stuck in our head is because they’re incomplete; you didn’t get the closure of hearing the entire song so now you’ve just got the hook running in a constant loop. Like an earworm, Bravo is unfinished business. Yeah, you’ve had your drunken makeouts, but the emphasis has been on “drunk”. You two are clearly attracted to one another, but neither of you is willing to act on that attraction without the benefits of a little social lubrication. Maybe it’s because you recognize that Bravo is ultimately a bad scene and that there can’t be anything but a fling. Maybe it’s because neither of you is willing to take ownership of your attraction and need the convenient excuse of “what’s in that drink?” But whatever the reason is, Bravo is, in his own way, like Alpha: wasted potential. A potential good time, granted. But still only potential.

So what now?

Well, if I’m perfectly honest, my advice would be to ditch both of them. You’re presenting this as a choice between Alpha and Bravo and frankly, that’s a false dichotomy.

Alpha’s potential is vast, but he doesn’t need a girlfriend so much as a manager; he needs someone to put boot to ass and make him remember that he’s a grown-ass adult who has responsibilities. At the end of the day, the only thing that seems to motivate him is to hold the relationship hostage, and that’s not good for anyone. As awesome as Alpha may be otherwise, he’s going to be a millstone around your neck. Having to be responsible for him is going to make it that much harder to live your own life. Life is hard enough when you’re trying to live it on your own. Having to live it for two – especially for someone who doesn’t want to be an active participant – is just too much to ask. Even parents understand that at the end of the day, your job is to stop being a parent. Alpha needs to fly on his own, not drago you down with him.

Bravo on the other hand, is mostly appealing by contrast. Yeah, you two may have sizzling chemistry together, but right now his biggest draw is that he’s the opposite of Alpha. He’s dynamic where Alpha is passive, but that’s honestly about where it ends. And considering how many times that Bravo has cheated, or come close to cheating on his partners… well, I hope I shouldn’t have to point out that this it’s own box of red flags. Sure, they’ve all been with you… but that’s still a bad sign. He blows up every relationship he’s been in, and if he were to actually start one with you, then odds are that this pattern will continue to repeat itself.

Your best option is to leave both of them behind you and find yourself a guy who’s worth dating. Someone who’s emotionally healthy, has some actual ambition and drive and has his life together. Someone who isn’t like either of these guys in your life.

Really, if I were to be blunt, I’d say that you should dump Alpha, finally bang Bravo sober and then move the hell on. You deserve better than both of these guys, ATPP; you should find yourself a man instead of a couple of boys.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a situation that’s been in my head for days.

Thing is: I’ve been in the relationship with this girl. We’ve dated for few months, haven’t done anything further than kissing. Days ago I saw a receipt inside a bag, it turned out my girlfriend had bought a pregnancy test from a local shop. I was kinda shock and decided to do some Googling about the situation. Now, I don’t know if there is any other use of a pregnancy test, I haven’t talked to her about this. But is it what I think that is? Has she been with another guy?

Before I go ask her about this and try to understand the situation in a polite way, I just wanna hear some words from you Doc.

Thank you.

Jerk Brain Running In Circles

DEAR JERK BRAIN RUNNING IN CIRCLES: I think my first question would be… are you sure you’re in a relationship with her? If you’ve been on a few dates and all you’ve done is kiss, then I’d be kind of curious to know exactly how she would define the relationship. To be sure, everyone gets to define their relationship how they want and if that’s just how you two roll for now then more power to you… but this wouldn’t be the first time that I’ve heard someone who rounded up their situation to “dating” when the other person didn’t see it that way.

My second question would be: have you two ever actually had the exclusivity talk? I’ve also run into issues where one partner thought they were exclusive simply by dint of having gone on so many date; the other partner didn’t see it that way.

But let’s assume the answer to both is “yes”. In that case… well, I still don’t have any real answers for you because hey, I’m not there. There are plenty of reasons why she might have bought a pregnancy test that don’t mean that she’s cheating: she may well have slept with someone before the two of you got together and suddenly realized she was late. She may be buying it for a friend or family member who’s having a pregnancy scare but can’t get a pregnancy test for a multitude of reasons.

Or she slept with someone while you two were dating and now she’s worried that she may have gotten knocked up.

The only way you’re going to get an answer is to talk to her, not me.

If you want to know – and you may not want to know – is to ask her. But that’s up to you. I would suggest that the two of you have a “where is this relationship going” talk; at the very least, you should make sure that you’re both on the same page. But as for why she got the test? You’re going to have to decide for yourself how badly you want that answer, or if you’d be happier shoving that down the memory hole and pretending you didn’t see anything. Especially if it was a one-time mistake and not a pattern of behavior.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently I got a message from a friend saying she was back in town for the foreseeable future, working just along from me, and wanted to meet up for friendly drinks.

What she doesn’t know is that about 4 years prior, at a low point when I was struggling (and losing, badly) against debilitating depression, shame and self-loathing, I developed a terrible, terrible case of oneitis for her after some awkward, post-night-out kissing. That was all it took to prompt me into an obsession that kept on for nearly two years. On the surface I was her awkward grumpy friend she once had a slip-up with, who she liked getting drunk and being weird with. But underneath, I was deeply unhappy, lonely, neurotic, having suicidal thoughts and obsessing over her every day. Oh, and we were work colleagues!

It was messed up, but thankfully things changed. She moved away, I started therapy, my life got a little better, slowly. I didn’t see her for a long time. I still thought about her sometimes, but when I heard she had started a serious relationship I was happy to have another reason to put her out of my mind. When a mutual friend tried to tell me they’d broken up, I just didn’t want to know. I just kept making progress, getting better at making the most of the ups and recovering from the downs. I still having a nonexistent love life and a lousy job, but I’m proud of the progress I’ve made, because I’ve started learning how to value my own feelings and enjoy being me, in spite of everything.

But now that she’s back and I’m staring down the idea of seeing her again, I’m realising that I never fully cured my oneitis, and I still feel inadequate when I think about seeing her. My mental health has taken a bit of a dive as a result. I know I don’t want to be with her but I’m still really attracted to her. I feel like I couldn’t possibly be myself around her. I feel like her opinion of me matters more than my own, like I need to please her but never could. Which is insane, because I haven’t felt this subservient to anyone else I’ve had feelings for, and because she was always a loving, supportive friend to me. It almost feels like I’m getting dragged backwards to that darker time in my life, just as I was learning how to trust myself.

What I want most is to stop worrying and just be as honest as possible with a view towards getting out of each other’s lives so I can let go of how I feel about her once and for all. After all that time apart it hardly feels like much of a loss. But I feel like a part of me is worried about hurting someone who was always just a kind, supportive friend, while another is scared of being judged by her. I’m also worried I won’t be able to properly explain this to her, or that it won’t give me the closure I’m hoping for, or that I’ll just be making the wrong move entirely.

The added kicker is that she isn’t to blame for any of this, and has no idea I ever felt this way. Every day we saw each other, I was lying about how I felt. I’m definitely ashamed of it, and kind of scared of making it all real by talking about it.

I suppose what I’m asking is, what’s the best way for me to resolve this thing and put old obsession behind me?

Link to The Past

DEAR LINK TO THE PAST: My question for you, LTTP, is “what does this woman represent to you?”

One of the reasons why we get stuck with a case of Oneitis  – getting hung up on one person who has no interest in dating us – is because we invest that person with meaning and importance that goes beyond who they are as a person. They aren’t just a human being to us any more; they’re the avatar of some specific belief or need that we feel is lacking in our lives. Many times it’s because we’ve invested so much in them emotionally that we can’t imagine life without them; we have made them so important that we treat them as our last and only hope for love. There may be millions of other women out there in the world, but there’re none like her, nobody who could possibly mean what she means or do what she does. She is the only person we could love or who could love us back.

Other times it’s because of what their presence in our lives means. She represents validation, especially if she’s socially desirable. Whether it’s her looks, her status, her fame, fortune or some other quality, the fact that she wants to date us means that we must be something special. It’s a way of saying “look at how awesome I am, because I can get a woman of this caliber.”

But the problem is that as much as people may want to round that feeling up to love… that ain’t it at all. It’s never about her as a person, it’s about what she represents. It’s about what’s lacking in your life.

So the first step to curing your Oneitis is to figure out what you are missing, LTTP. It sounds to me like what your friend represents is love, affection and support at a time when you desperately needed it. Throw in some sloppy make-outs, and it’s not hard to see why you link those feelings with her specifically. She was, in a way, a guardian angel for you, coming to you in your darkest hour. And because you invested so much importance and glorious purpose, you feel like you have to live up to a certain ideal for her. You feel as though you have to have this over-the-top life in order to be “worthy” of her, this woman who gripped you tight and pulled you from perdition. And so you’re in this double-bind. On the one hand, you want her because she represents that moment of passion. On the other, you fear that you aren’t good enough. So here you are, torn in two directions: obsessed with her but scared of disappointing her. Since she’s become this divine figure, her judgement is all-important. If she were to see you, measure you and find you wanting… well, wouldn’t that just be reaffirming that you’re nothing but scum who doesn’t deserve to crawl on this planet?

Here’s the thing though, LTTP: all of that isn’t true. It’s your own cosmology, this view that only exists in your head. It has nothing to do with reality or all the work that you’ve put in. And let’s make no mistake: you’ve put in a lot of work. Which, to be quite honest, makes your obsession and fear somewhat frustrating. You’re invalidating all the hard work you have done, the way that you have dragged yourself out of the muck because you don’t see that as being at all equivalent to one make-out session after a few too many drinks.

You need to start recognizing your own value, LTTP and the importance of how much you’ve done for yourself. The more that you can look at where you are and where you’ve come from, how hard you’ve fought and how much you’ve accomplished, the less you’ll feel that you need to supplicate yourself before her.

And just as importantly is that you need to recognize that this version of her you have in your mind right now doesn’t actually exist. You’ve put her on this pedestal and, in a way, invalidated her humanity. You’ve created this supernatural being in the place of a woman who farts, stubs her toe and gets zits, just like you do.

Hopefully, you’re still talking to your therapist. One of the best things you can do is talk about your friend with them and these complicated feelings that your friend’s return has brought up. That might get you some clarity and help resolve a little of the anxiety you’re feeling. Just as importantly, since they’re in a better position to judge where your head’s at, they’d be better able to tell you whether meeting up with your friend would be a good idea or not.

What I don’t think you need to do is explain any of this to her. Like you said: none of this is her fault, and dumping this on her is only going to cause unnecessary pain and confusion. That’s a cruel thing to do to someone who’s been trying to be a good and supportive friend to you. Instead, I think what you should do is work on accepting her as a person. A kind person, someone who clearly cares for you and has been a source of support… but just a person. Not somebody who’s opinion is more important than yours, not somebody who you need to impress or who has life-or-death power over your self-esteem. The more you can take her down from this pedestal you’ve erected and see her for who she really is, the less of an awesome and terrible figure she’ll be.

And at that point, you’ll be in a better position to know what happens next. Maybe you’ll be able to have a more honest friendship with her, free from the stresses of your Oneitis. Maybe the two of you will drift out of one another’s lives again, as sometimes happens.

But regardless of how your relationship evolves or changes, you’ll be free. You’ll have been able to let go of your oneitis and feel the strength and confidence you need to move forwards and find your own worth and validation.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do you get women to respond and move from online dating to communicating on non-online dating means? I say this as I always read bios and use puns (not name related, bio related) and fill it with relevant information, but t never seems to do much good.

Each message is tailored towards the individual, I suppose I need a better approach. Now the big problem I have is by letting the conversation (when I get a reply) go waaaay too long and not getting the conversation off the dating site via a phone number or a Facebook account or something.

It couldn’t hurt to hit the gym, update my pictures and show off a little by getting some nice photos done in a scenic locale with a drone, just adding set dressing to the profile picture too.

Also I think I’ve gotten a little bored with online dating, it’s so disconnected from actual interaction that it’s difficult for me to care at all about it.

In addition, what are some good hobbies to make me more interesting to women, as so far, videogames, tabletop roleplaying games, reading, movies and old TV shows from the 70’s to early 2000’s aren’t exactly hot button topics as half the people I talk to haven’t even heard of the stuff that I like. This isn’t even obscure anime neither (although I love me my anime), it’s mainstream stuff…although I would be a very happy man If I could meet someone who liked the Viewtiful Joe or Chibi-Robo series…or even knew what they were as even my roleplaying buddies haven’t heard of either.

I could have more success when convention season rolls around again, potentially. This isn’t even really an aversion to getting absolutely drunk, as thats fun as hell! It’s about being able to connect with people when sober, be it over a computer screen or face-to-face.

I think part of my reasons for not being able to get dates is I’m actually fairly boring. I go to work, play my tabletop rpgs, play video games, write some source material for a book I’m writing, go to sleep, go to work etc.

Now I’m comfortable in the life I have, no complaints there but it sure could do with some excitement, and that would be more likely to draw women to me. Strange as it may seem, I should get into sewing, knitting, DIY, something practical as there’s nothing better than a freshly painted wall or some newly repaired socks.

Or I could go skydiving, deep sea diving or NASCAR driving (or at least stock car racing or something). Maybe a good mix of the dangerous and non-dangerous would be a good idea.

Anyway, if you have got any ideas for interesting hobbies then please let me know!

Thank you,

Ordinary Guy

DEAR ORDINARY GUY: OK OG, you’ve conflated about four different issues into one casserole of a dating crisis. The problem with this approach is that by mixing things all together like this, you’ve ended up obscuring the actualproblems and ended up inventing new ones for yourself.

I mean, you basically answered your own question in your second paragraph. Your biggest problem is that you don’t actually make your move when you have a chance. Now, in fairness, this is a problem a lotof guys have: they play it entirely too safe. They want to be 110% sure that there’s a connection and that the person they’re talking to is going to say “yes” when he asks her on a date. But not only is this neverassured, it ends up working against them. Emotions follow their own laws of physics, just like physical objects do. Call it NerdLove’s First Law of Emotional Dynamics: Attraction is an object in motion… and like an object in motion, it’s going to lose momentum if there’s nothing propelling it forward. Just as friction bleeds the momentum away from a physical object, time bleeds away the emotional momentum of attraction. If you aren’t driving that attraction forward, then that attraction is going to fade on its own.

That’s why it’s important to move things off the app and into the physical world as quickly as possible The longer you take to ask someone on a dating app for an actual date, the more likely it is that their attraction is going to fade and they’re going to end up going out with someone else. If you’ve had some solid back-and-forth conversations with someone you met on Tinder or OKCupid, then there’s no reason to notpropose meeting up. The worst that happens is that they say no, and then you’ve saved time and emotional energy that you would’ve squandered by waiting longer.

Your other questions are an indicator that either you’re approaching the wrong women or you’re having some issues with your own identity. One of the mistakes that a lot of guys make is that they think they have to live a specific lifestyle or have particular hobbies or achievements in order to date. The problem with this outlook is that it encourages guys to live inauthentic lives and pursue women that they’re not actually compatible with. It doesn’t do you any good to take up hobbies that you don’t actually like in order to meet women; even if you do start having more social success and meeting more women, you’re not necessarily meeting the right women for you. And trust me when I tell you from experience: there’s nothing more frustrating than when you’re meeting tons of people and none of them are actually people you can connect with.

You need to make a point of trying to find women that you’re actually compatible with, who you share commonalities and values with. One of the best ways to do this is to find ways of exploring your hobbies and interests in ways that brings you in contact with other people who share those interests. There are, after all, plenty of women out there who loves anime and video games and video games about anime. And if you like crafting or making things with your hands, then sure, knitting or sewing could be useful. You could even combine your interests and start getting into cosplay or constructing costumes and props for cosplayers.

If you legitimately want to find more hobbies to be more interesting, then by all means, do that. Finding new and interesting hobbies is a great way to build a more attractive lifestyle – even if it’s just for your own enjoyment. Just make sure that you’re exploring things that actually speak to you instead of trying to live somebody else’s idea of an attractive lifestyle. You want to present your best self, not somebody else’s.

And just as an aside: I realize you were probably making a joke about getting trashed in order to talk with women, but that’s… a bad idea. I speak from personal experience when I tell you that too much alcohol and flirting mix about as well as nitroglycerine and a centrifuge. Yeah, alcohol can be a social lubricant, but it’s really easy to end up with too much lubricant. And then you’ve got an even bigger mess on your hands.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)