DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve always found myself terrible when it comes to dating, I went through school without ever being in a serious relationship and watching all my friends sort of meet their partners along the way. At age 20 I went to university and started to get a little worried about not meeting anyone who I truly clicked with and them BAM, when I came home for my first year I met someone on Tinder who seemed to tick every box, after going on several dates I asked her out and she said yes.

Sounds wonderful I guess, but then she herself went off to university too, and her course seems to be a lot more time consuming than mine, so spending time with her has become difficult due to her always being busy. Me and her have been working long distance, but I’m finding it’s being much harder than I anticipated, but I genuinely do enjoy spending time with her when I actually get to, albeit as little as it is.

I presume it sounds like your standard long-distance complaint at this point, but it since I started my second year of university I’ve found another girl who has started to display a lot of signs of affection towards me, despite me having mentioned my current relationship to her before. Me and her seem to get along very well, but I still find myself feeling slightly worried when I talk to her, particularly if we’re alone or anything. Recently I’ve found myself torn between these two, unsure whether I just happened to jump at the first opportunity I had for a relationship. I’m not going to sugarcoat it now: being long distance is a lot of work, which has got me thinking that maybe I’m just enjoying being coveted by a woman who lives much more locally for once. But I find myself unsure of what to do in this situation. I don’t want to be some kind of two-timer or cheat on my girlfriend, but I honestly do find myself enjoying spending time with both women in question, the only difference being one lives hours away and I never see and one I see much more regularly and lives closer, or maybe this is just me being tempted by someone else because I’m in a long distance relationship and want someone closer? PLEASE HELP?

Emotionally Confuzzled

DEAR EMOTIONALLY CONFUZZLED: What’s going on is pretty simple: you’re a human. You’ve got an attractive person right there with you, giving you attention. That’s going to make you feel pretty damn good. It flatters your ego, it revs up your sex drive and you’re starting to think about whether it’s better to go with the bird in the hand or go diving back into the bush.

Wait, that came out wrong. Anyway.

Regardless of any underlying relationship issues you may have or any intention of actually acting on those issues, a pretty woman giving you attention and valuing you company is going to trigger a psychological phenomena known as The Reward Theory of Attraction. She makes you feel good and therefor you’re going to instinctively prioritize your relationship with her. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, is fairly distant and you only get to see her rarely. That and the natural difficulties that come with a long-distance relationship mean that the benefits of your relationship with her aren’t necessarily outweighing the drawbacks.

Now, don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean that your relationship with with your girlfriend isn’t as valuable or valid or worth it as the one you currently have with your friend. It just means that right now, it’s completely understandable that one is more tempting than the other. That’s just part of the human experience.

So what do you do about this? Well… frankly, you’re going to have to make that decision yourself. Does the distance and the inconvenience of a long-distance relationship outweigh the time you DO spend with your girlfriend? It’s ok if it is; maintaining a long-distance relationship is difficult, especially when your schedules mean that you rarely get to talk or see each other. Breaking up because the distance was an insurmountable is very understandable. The fact that you’re already interested in somebody who’s close at hand doesn’t make you the bad guy either; it just means that this made you realize that the distance and inconvenience bothered you more than you realized it would.

At the same time, there’s no guarantees that a relationship with the woman at your university is going to do any better. Right now, she’s new and shiny and there’s the thrill of novelty and what the poly community calls New Relationship Energy. That glow can disguise or cause people to overlook relationship deal-breakers that would otherwise disqualify this woman from your dating pool. Or it’s possible that this relationship simply won’t work out in the long term for whatever reason. You have no real way of knowing, except by rolling the dice.

The only thing I will say is that if you’re exclusive with your girlfriend – and I mean that you’ve actually stated this instead of just letting be unsaid – that you end things with her before starting anything up with the other woman. Similarly, if you’re going to stay with your girlfriend, let your other friend know this is why you’re dialing things back.

Ending either relationship doesn’t say anything about you as a person or about the success or failure of your relationship with that person. The fact that you didn’t die in the saddle (as it were) doesn’t mean that your relationship with your girlfriend was a failure. After all, every relationship you’re in will end, until one doesn’t. If you’re able to be cordial, if not friends with them afterwards and look back on your time with them fondly, then that relationship wasn’t a failure; it just means that it came to its natural conclusion.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m currently a senior in college, and I’m spending the next year studying abroad in a rural area in Japan. The thing is, that I’m 23 now and until this year I’ve never had any kind of intimacy with a woman, and I really feel it’s holding me back daily. This last year I have made leaps and bounds in making progress and being more forward about my interest instead of playing the “nice” guy friend that hides his intentions. Even when I’m busy I see around me constantly couples and it kind of burns me out. I am my own person, and do things, and I can make friends easily, but I can’t become anything more ever. The intimacy I speak of is just maybe a kiss, if that, and then I don’t hear from them again. I just can’t get girls to stick around and it really makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

The culture is also a bit of a stepping stone, as I’m a black male here and there is kind of a bad stereotype about us here, and so I feel like I have to strive to be nicer to get people to trust me, and then I end up not being interesting. It is so hard to find the middle ground, because as much as my friends say don’t worry about it, it’s very much a real thing here when meeting people in an outside social group. On another note, since the culture is different should I conform to it, is the question I ask myself daily, because it’s simply the opposite than American culture, as they have a strong “inside” vs. “outside” mentality, and it makes this problem already a bit more difficult to handle.

This makes me cut off people extremely quick, much more than I used to do, so I run out of friends/romantic interests. I used to wish I didn’t have feelings and life would be so much easier, but I know that’s not an option so I’m just trying to find a way to deal with feelings that should be natural, but I can’t fulfill them. I know there is no reason not for me to be able to reach these goals, but I just have no idea about what I’m doing, just what I feel.

Is there any advice you might have for me, Doc? I’m not blaming anyone but myself on this, but just getting to a better place instead of remaining in the same old area is my foremost objective. I want to be more fulfilled in my life and really enjoy my experience here rather than feeling like I’m in the wrong place.

-I’m So Annoyingly Messed Up

DEAR I’M SO ANNOYINGLY MESSED UP: There’re a few questions buried in here, ISAMU. Let’s roll it from the top, ok?

To start with: you’re socially inexperienced and – reading between some fairly obvious lines – a virgin. That’s not a big deal unless you make it one. I totally get that you’re feeling left behind and looking at the happy couples around you with envy, but it’s that feeling that you need to catch up is going to trip you up. When you’re focused on this one part of yourself like a laser, you’re going to tense up and that’s going to make it harder to do anything else successfully. Think of it like playing video games; there’s that one spot you can’t get past and the more that you focus on your frustration, the worse you end up doing. Then, when you take a break, do something else and come back to it later when you’re refreshed, you blow straight past it like it’s nothing.

That’s what’s going on with you right now. You’re trying to get past this one area and it’s frustrating you so much that you’re starting to slip up on things that you know you can handle. So take a deep breath, relax and just… be. Don’t try to get a girlfriend or experience. Just live your life in such a way that it lets you be the cool, fun and interesting person you know you can be. You’ll have your opportunities to date, kiss, screw and everything else and it will all come much more easily when you stop focusing on what you don’t have and enjoy what you do.

I mean, come on! You’re studying abroad in Japan! How freaking cool is that? You’re going to have all sorts of experiences and adventures on that trip that’ll lead to some awesome stories later. Hell, I missed my chance to do that in college (ironically, because I had a girlfriend… and I really shouldn’t have) so I’m jealous of you right now.

Now straight talk: being a foreigner in a very socially homogenous culture like Japan means you’re going to stand out like a sore thumb and some people are going to treat you like an oddity. This doubly and triply so as an African-American in a rural area. And in fairness: Japan’s got issues when it comes to racial stereotypes, especially when it comes to black people, and (again) when you get outside of the large metropolitan areas, you may well be the first black person some of them will ever have seen outside of TV or movies. That’s going to lead to some seriously uncomfortable moments at times and I can imagine that there will be times you’re going to feel the need to slap on a grin and pretend that it doesn’t bother you nearly as much as it really does.

(And in fairness: having to pretend to not be bothered is going to REALLY grate on your nerves, and for good reason. All the more reason to find friends who are going to treat you like a person and not a stereotype.)

But at the same time: being nice to others isn’t the same as being boring. You don’t have to present a bland version of yourself to fit in or be accepted; it just means being patient and understanding. You can be a pleasant person without being passive or a milquetoast or pretending that you don’t have a personality. Adapting to the local culture as best you can is one of the best ways to do this; making the effort not only shows respect, but doing so will make others feel more comfortable in your company. I suspect that being quick to cut people off means you’re cutting people out of your life who might otherwise be pretty damn cool once they get the chance to know you and vice versa. Yes, there’s going to be adjustments and there’s going to be people who deserve to be cut off… but not everyone does. Learning to tell the difference is an important part of building your social calibration.

But more than anything else, you need to relax. You’re in the middle of what can be an awesome adventure if you give it half a chance. If you’re caught up in whether or not you have had – or are going to find – a relationship, you’re going to miss out on so damn much. Let things be and just focus on enjoying everything that your situation has to offer. Enjoy getting to experience another culture in such an intimate, immersive way. Embrace the culture, explore the area and take full advantage of being a college student abroad. Right now you want to collect experiences and stories and just be your natural awesome self. That will serve you far better – and make you a more interesting, attractive person – in the long run. And that will help you find the intimacy and relationships that you’re longing for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m sure you get a bunch of emails from confused college students, but I think this one might be a little out of the ordinary. So here goes, and please forgive my confused ramblings. I’m in college, and I have a good friend who I’m going to call X.

We were at a party, a pretty low-key one (I LOATHE traditional college basement keg parties with a burning fiery passion, you have no idea), and we were all varying levels of intoxicated. I was still pretty lucid; despite being a little heavyset, I’m kind of a lightweight, and I’d kind of reached that “still lucid and in control, but the room is wobbly a bit” stage which is when I know it’s time to cut myself off if I want to get home in one piece.

So over comes X, I’m pretty sure sloshed out of her mind, and starts coming on to me pretty hard – physical proximity, hand in some… uncomfortable places, pretty much everything short of just crawling on top of me. She kept making some not-so-subtle references that even my brick wall-level of social stupidity couldn’t stop. Eventually I just flat out told her that I wasn’t going to put out. She seemed pretty cut up about that and left the party not soon after.

Thing is, while this girl is jaw-droppingly attractive, I had a few hangups. 

– It really wasn’t a good place, 

– It was an even worse time, 

– We were both varying levels of drunk, 

– I’m a virgin and that was definitely not the right time to punch my card, 

– I consider her to be a platonic friend, and, MOST IMPORTANTLY: 

– She has a boyfriend back home, who I’ve met and is pretty much a great guy, and they’ve been dating for a few years now (they met in high school, and we’re all juniors).

I don’t blame her for something she did under the influence of alcohol, because I’m pretty sure she genuinely loves this guy, but it’s still a little worrying.

My question isn’t “Should I pursue a relationship?” because holy crap, no, bad idea, creeper move, et cetera. It’s “How do I deal with the idea that someone I consider to be a friend may have something more in mind, despite having a boyfriend?” She hasn’t said anything about it, and says she doesn’t remember much from the party, but the situation is never far away when we interact these days, and I would truly regret losing my friendship with her because of a drunken indiscretion.

I don’t know. I guess I’m asking how I should deal with this situation in a way that leaves all parties unhurt.

– Confused And A Bit Nervous

DEAR CONFUSED AND A BIT NERVOUS: First of all, CaBN: you did the right thing all around. First of all: knowing your limits and when to stop drinking is a valuable skill to cultivate, especially in college. This means you can enjoy a little inebriation without being at a point of doing something you’ll regret later, on top of your hangover (and trust me: I have been there, done that and puked on the t-shirt). More importantly though is recognizing that your friend was too drunk to consent, even as she was all but climbing into your lap and wiggling. Ignoring questions of whether hooking up would’ve caused unnecessary drama, she was in a place where consent was more or less impossible. So, good for you man.

Also: you were right. While there’re plenty of ways to lose one’s virginity, a drunken fumbling hook-up ain’t one you necessarily want. Especially with the attendant drama that would come with it.

Now how do you deal with this? Well… mostly you don’t.

Here’s the thing: you’re making some assumptions that aren’t necessarily warranted by the facts. I know, in vino veritas and all that but you don’t want to round up drunken behavior to “clearly she wants more.” She was hitting on you, yes… but that doesn’t mean that she necessarily has more in mind. The thing to remember about alcohol is that it’s a disinhibitor and magnifier; it’ll amplify thoughts or feelings that’re otherwise not terribly significant and tear down the walls that’d keep you from acting on them otherwise. So if we assume she thinks you’re cute and was feeling a bit horny and lonely, a drunken haze can turn that from “well he’s cute” to “yeah, some oral WOULD be nice tonight” to “Bet CaBN’d do me *hic*!”

However, in the cold, bruised, hungover light of sobriety, one tends to look back on the things they did the night before and think “oh God, did I actually do that?” And trust me: that’s ten different kinds of embarrassment and humiliation that’s a lot harder to power through than awkward flirting mistakes. And if she does remember her actions at the party… well it’s a lot easier to feign having been blackout drunk and hope everyone buys it, and just lets things get swept under the rug. Which I suspect is what your friend is doing.

So the best, friendship-preserving-est thing you can do in this case? Play along with her and let that moment be stuffed down the memory hole. Take it as a compliment that she thought of you when her drunk self decided it was hook-up time, but let sober-her keep up the illusion that nothing happened. Years later, it can be something the two of you laugh about. But for now… it was all just a bad dream and she’ll thank you for running with that story.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: At the beginning of the year I had started seeing a girl who I had spent a long time talking to on Tinder at the end of the year previous. We had both hit it off before meeting face-to-face, and given how we went to the same University we decided to see how we enjoyed each other’s actual company. We got along really well, but I think we both were (Self-admittedly) not at a place where we could have an actual meaningful relationship with one another.

We still kept things going though for a few months, and communicated fairly well. We had shared a lot about our pasts, particularly our exes, one of which was continually bothering her with abusive post-breakup messages (Her words, not mine, I knew nothing about the guy), and even though we never called each other boyfriend and girlfriend we kept seeing each other primarily because we got along so well. There were some growing pains associated with scheduling hanging out, and also myself attending therapy due to my own stresses and things. It was by far the most intimate set of experiences I had ever had with somebody, which made it feel all the worse whenever she decided to cut things off. We met up one day and she told me she didn’t want to continue because it was apparent to both of us that ‘feelings’ were actually starting to become a real thing. Of course I had been having feelings develop, probably a bit faster than she had because that tends to be how my brain works, and on the day despite being pretty visibly torn up we parted ways amicably and I didn’t even turn around when walking away.

Only the thing is, for longer than I’d like to admit I guess I hadn’t really gotten over her. Maybe it was the intimacy thing, or maybe it was all the stresses of work and school that made me feel like I needed to have her back, but I tried to not let that want take over my actions, even though my thoughts would often drift to her at all hours of the day when I really didn’t want them to.

When we did cut things off, she was also kind of vague about what she had ‘needed to do’ in order to ‘better herself’ as we promised each other we would do. She didn’t tell me what, and she seemed pretty emotional at the idea so I didn’t pry her even though I really wanted to. I kept thinking about that for months, and I still kind of do.

So fast-forwarding through the last few months leading up to now, she’d play on my mind all the time and I’d even (Stupidly) find myself drawn to message her or check her Facebook page, because I had (Stupidly) never got around to unfriending her. So this kept going, and just as I was feeling good about my current schedule/workflow/basically lots of stuff, I’m scrolling through FB and suddenly BOOM, ‘Your Ex is in a relationship. With her Ex’.

Not gonna lie, Doc, I was really taken aback. I was jealous, pissed, sad, confused, basically everything. Thankfully I was always pretty good handling that stuff so, I messaged her saying basically, “Hey, I saw you’re with somebody else now. I hope that goes well.” and also that I was now choosing to remove her from my social medias, a step I acknowledge I probably should have done quite a while ago.

I guess my problem in this instance was, well, I can’t/never will really understand exactly what compelled her to get back with her ex when she had made it clear to me she didn’t feel like being in any relationship, hence our splitting. I know that’s a dangerous line of thinking and probably not worth it, but my brain can’t help but feel like it’s being fooled around with. This has gotten me very anxious and raised a lot of questions; the most prominent few being: ‘Is even opening up to anybody worth it?’, ‘Do I make myself an easier target by showing affection to people?’, ‘Is this even how a man is supposed to respond?’ because I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve heard a lot of contradictory answers for that last one. So yeah, I assuming that thinking too deeply in to these negative emotions can potentially only lead to a lot of bad things like hating all girls, feeling more insecure, never opening up again, and whilst know all these are really bad…

Part of me feels like it WANTS to feel that way…maybe because it’s easier perhaps…I don’t know, I can come up with lots of potential answers to things but I’m never really confident enough to go for any one wholeheartedly…

I’d very much like your thoughts on whether these sensations are normal/work-throughable, and what your advice may be to help go forward.

Thanks a bunch,

Random Irish Guy

DEAR RANDOM IRISH GUY: Here’s the thing about dating that a lot of people don’t like to talk about: there’s a lot of random chance involved. It’s not just chance in meeting someone but meeting them at the right time. Sometimes you can meet someone who’s awesome and perfect for you, but when you or they are at a point in your lives where a relationship just isn’t feasible, no matter how much you might want one. There’re times when, yes, you may like someone but realize that you’re in a place where catching feels would just be a bad idea. It may be recognizing that you’re falling for someone at a time when you don’t have the emotional bandwidth… or it may be one person realizing that their casual partner is starting to be a bit less casual.

And that leads to another cold truth: when someone says “I’m not interested in anything serious right now,” there’s usually a silent “…with you” attached to the end. This doesn’t mean that they don’t like you – especially if you two were dating and hooking up – but it does mean that they’re interested in a specific kind of relationship. And from the sounds of it, you wanted a more committed one than she did. And in that case, the kindest thing to do was to end it sooner, rather than later. It may have hurt like a mother, but breaking things off quickly and cleanly was a lot kinder than letting things continue on until you were far more invested and the break up would be even worse all around.

As for why she went back to her a

le ex? Well… the short version is: people are goddamn complicated and their decisions aren’t always going to make sense to folks on the outside. There’s almost always more to the story than we know or will ever know. Maybe he turned over a new leaf. Maybe the power of nostalgia brought her back and she’s not ready to leave the cycle of “break up, get back together, break up again”. There’s really no way of knowing and so you’re going to have to just make your own closure here.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you were being used, RIG. I think she was up for one kind of relationship, you were up for another and she recognized that things were just going to get more painful the longer it went on. Unfortunately… that’s dating for you. It’s a full contact sport, and sometimes it’s just going to suck for a bit. So the best thing you can do: accept that it happened, mourn the end of the relationship and let it go so you can move on.

There’re other women out there, women who’re right for you and in the right place in life for the relationship you’re looking for. You just have to find them.

Good luck, man.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 25 and been reading your website for over a year. For about that same time, I’ve been dating my girlfriend, L, 23. This has been the first great, stable relationship for me in a long time.

Now she is bisexual with a stronger preference towards women. I’m still a virgin where she has had intercourse been with women but not men. She’s gone down on an ex-boyfriend and decided she prefers receiving oral than giving it. She prefers to wait until we’re married, not for religious purposes, but more of being ready for men. We have fooled around, dry humping, my performing oral on her, mutual masturbation, etc.

I been fine with this, understanding her and all. She once made a comment that she finds the male genitalia disgusting. Recently she’s discovered so I asked if she was ready for sex but seems she still really much prefers women, saying she’d rather not do guys and suggested we do an open relationship or become polyamorous and find a bi-girl to be our third in a triad so we both get what we want. Us to be fulfilled sexually while maintaining our emotional connection and also having a three-way.

I was fine with it, truly, being patient and also supportive but I always felt like why am I here if she might not even sleep with me? I was never about it, I was all about the emotional side. Things aren’t made better by the fact we’ve been long distance for the past 4 months due to school and well traveling for a family member’s funeral. Why commit this long with a girl who’s said my junk is disgusting? Who isn’t exactly factor my needs of wanting to have full on intercourse with her after this long? We got into a huge argument over this one and aren’t talking to each other at the moment.

– Waiting to Start

DEAR WAITING TO START: Hoo boy, there’s a lot to unpack here, my dude. So let’s break it down a little:

First: She doesn’t want to go down on you. Fair do’s some women don’t like it or have an aversion due to a bad experience.

Next: She wants to wait until you’re married before you have sex as a way of being ready to sleep with a man.

This is an odd choice, but ok, some people prefer to wait. I don’t think it’s the wisest of ideas, but hey, to each their own. That’s her boundary, and we need to respect it.

Next: She finds penises disgusting.

Um…

Finally: She’s decided she doesn’t really want to sleep with a guy and is suggesting a threesome/poly relationship with another woman before you’ve even had intercourse together…

… right. Sure. Ok.

WTS, allow me to introduce you to my friend, The Chair Leg of Truth. Because I think you know damn good and well what’s going on here.

Look, female sexuality is famously fluid; the Kinsey scale is more of the Kinsey slide and people (and women in particular) often move up and down that scale over the course of their lives.

On occasion, a life-long lesbian will discover that she’s into guys too – or just one particular guy. A gay man may discover that there’s one particular woman who, for whatever reason, just does it for him. A straight woman will realize that she’s attracted to women as well.

And occasionally a bi or pansexual woman will realize that she’s not bi at all.

Your girlfriend isn’t bi. She’s gay. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have feelings for you, but she’s very clearly not into dudes sexually. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re going to be breaking up sooner rather than later. She’s asking for your permission to find the girl she’s going to dump you for under the pretext of trying to help your relationship. An open relationship is going to very quickly become a closed relationship… with somebody else. 

Polyamory isn’t the answer here either; to start with, it’s varsity level relationship management and you’ve barely started warming the bench. Moreover, a poly triad requires honesty and trust… and right now, she’s NOT being honest with you. She’s holding onto the relationship for reasons of her own – she may not be ready to admit to herself that she’s gay, she may be trying to avoid hurting you – but it’s going to come crashing down pretty soon.

You want someone who’s into you, not somebody who’s leaning on you while she comes to terms with who she really is. The best thing you can do for the both of you is to end it now. The clean break heals the fastest and it’ll be easier for the two of you to possibly salvage a friendship if you do it before bitterness and resentment creeps in. Give her a call – I’m giving you a pass to do this via the phone since you’re long distance at the moment – and call it quits. Then move on with your life. There will be other women, and university is one of the best places to find them.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a college student. I’m female, and pretty physically acceptable according to other people and my time at the gym. However, I’ve got the natural social skills of a chatty rock, and even though I’ve gotten better at being friendly and normal since I started college, I don’t have a lot of friends, and I’ve never dated. (I’m not that broken up about the dating thing. It just seemed like something I should mention.)

Now. A few weeks ago, I started playing with the Quidditch team. Some of us hang out after practice, and I really like the group. One of the guys, however, has a habit of trying to pick up all the girls in order of whoever he finds hottest and hearing “no thank you” as “flirt harder,” and of the three or four girls who stick around after practice… well, he hasn’t been as into the ones who aren’t me. It wouldn’t work out, Doc; he’s looking for something more serious than I want with ANYONE right now, and I’m just not attracted to him no matter how much he touches me or talks up his looks and history. 

I do enjoy talking to this guy in groups, and I’d like him for a friend even though I’ve told him I won’t date him, but his advances are making it difficult for me to cultivate other relationships in the group—for example, he started talking to me about something unrelated while I was in the middle of a conversation with some other girls, and kept repeating himself until I turned to him and said I was trying to have a discussion here. While my focus is on making friends, there have been a couple guys I’ve wanted to hit on. Guess how easy it’s been to talk to them one-on-one. Go on, guess. 

My problem, Doc, is that I don’t think I’m established enough as a group member to initiate a Come to Jesus talk about how he needs to take no for an answer and stop blocking out me without making it weird between me and everyone else. We usually treat his skirt-chasing as a joke. I’m pretty sure getting him alone to discuss it would be received as a sign of interest. You write a lot about subtle ways to increase someone’s attraction to you. Have any insight on how to shut someone down without making a big production out of it or ignoring them entirely?

– Golden Snitches Get Stitches

DEAR GOLDEN SNITCHES GET STITCHES: In every group – especially amongst nerdy ones – there tends to be at least one person who has boundary issues and doesn’t understand that the first rule of other people’s conversations is that you don’t just barge into them.

(I could tell you stories. Oh how I could tell you stories.)

Sometimes they’re creepers who are only kept in the group due to Geek Social Fallacices, sometimes they’re an otherwise good guy who just needs to be smacked across the nose with the clue-by-four until they learn. But whether it’s a creeper, a guy with an annoying crush or just plain old Captain Oblivious, it’s obnoxious as hell and it annoys the living hell out of everyone around him.

Now I totally get not wanting to cause a scene amongst your new friends; after all, geeks are notoriously drama averse. I can totally understand fearing that by initiating the Come To Jesus meeting with the Would-Be Weasley might lead to your being kicked out of the group for the sin of “causing drama” even when it’s ultimately somebody else’s fault. But at the same time: you’ve got to stand up for you. You have to be your first and last line of social defense and that means being willing to tell your boundary-ignorant buddy to step the hell off.

So here’s how you handle things.

To start with: talk to your friends, especially your new female friends, about Captain Come-On’s behavior. Mention to them that it’s starting to legitimately bother you and find out whether other people feel the same way or how they handle it. You may very well find that there are others who feel the same way you do but don’t necessarily feel empowered to bring it up. It’s generally good to let others know how you’re feeling, so it doesn’t look like you’re just suddenly exploding at their teammate for no good reason.

Plus, it helps you find your Team You to have your back when you do have your mini-confrontation.

Next time he does this, excuse yourself from the original conversation and take him aside. Don’t lead him off alone, just a few steps away from the person you were talking to. Explain to him firmly that he’s being obnoxious and rude, that you’re trying to have a conversation with people and you don’t appreciate his interrupting it or trying to barge into it, the way he keeps touching you or humble-bragging about his various conquests. Let him know that his behavior is making it extremely difficult for you to be his friend and if he doesn’t cut it out right-the-hell-now, you’re not going to be interested in talking to him at all. Don’t let him rationalize, deflect or otherwise shirk responsibility; this isn’t a dialogue, it’s a download. You’re letting him know very clearly where your boundaries are and he needs to respect them.

And be willing to follow through with your threat to not talk to him. Next time he pulls his barging-in schtick, tell him “We’ve talked about this. I’ve told you to stop. Now stop.” If he continues to pester you, be willing to cut him out of the conversation via body language and positioning. Turn your back on him, edge him out of the group so that he’s on the outside trying to reach in. If need-be, take your conversation elsewhere and leave him behind.

It can be hard standing up for yourself when you’re relatively new to the group and the person you’re dealing with is an established member. But at the end of the day, you have to be your own advocate and guardian and that means being willing to enforce your boundaries even in the face of potential drama.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)