DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really appreciate the fact that you offer sex positive dating advice. One of my big problem with the pick up community when I started getting into it is that it made me into a somewhat awful individual that didn’t really like women. However, the dilemma remains: How to meet a woman and have some game without being a misogynistic ass worthy of Return of Kings or creepy subreddits?

I’m glad you’re providing other guys with that opportunity. Even though I’m mostly over my hurdles and I’m pretty confident now (I was the very typical nerd in high school), I still enjoy reading your column. It’s important to understand that while there are pretty awful women, they’re not representative of the entire gender/sex (And there’s pretty awful guys too!). 

 I do have a question however. When I start seeing a girl/have just slept with her, sometimes I have some vestiges of oneitis-like behavior return which makes me make poor decisions (Like sending that extra text the morning after or coming on too strong too soon.) Would you have any advice to offer when it comes down to being able to better keep a certain distance in the beginning of the relationship, without closing off completely emotionally?

 In Too Deep

DEAR IN TOO DEEP: I’m going to get to your question in a second, but I want to take a moment to point something out: you’ve basically given yourself a false dichotomy. There really isn’t an inherent divide between “being a good guy” and “having game”. As I’ve said many a time before, being good with women doesn’t also mean that you have to be an asshole. Being willing to flirt, to be sexually forward (especially if you’re prioritizing a sexual relationship or looking for someone who might be up for going home with you that night) doesn’t also mean not respecting women or having to treat them like crap, and being a decent guy doesn’t mean also being a Nice Guy. The example I always like to point to is Jack Harkness from Doctor Who and Torchwood; sexual without being creepy, direct without being rude, flirty without being a dick and above all else: respectful of the people he’s hitting on.

There’s a reason why he’s called Captain Jack Hotness and it’s more than just the fact that John Barrowman is a damned fine-looking man.

Anyway. Getting back to your question.

There are usually two main causes for Oneitis. The first is the classic scarcity mentality – the idea that awesome and desirable women are a limited resource and that each rejection or relationship that doesn’t work out means that you’re one step closer to being Forever Alone. As a result, you (generic you) feel like you need to latch on to each woman that comes along because you have this nagging subconscious feeling that she could be The One and if you don’t lock her down, you’ll lose out forever and never know love/attraction/orgasms like this ever again.

The other tends to be low self-esteem. Much like with a scarcity mentality, it spurs the idea that there are few women out there for you; unlike the scarcity mentality, it’s less that there are few women in general and more that you don’t believe you could do better or find somebody equally as awesome should things not work out. You believe you have to hold onto this woman at all costs because you simply don’t think that there are other women out there who might like you or find you attractive.

In both cases, this usually results in putting the other person on a pedestal as a way of justifying your attraction to them. You’re twitterpated over them, so therefore they must be special and unique. It’s a nicely self-reinforcing feedback loop: you’re in “love” with them so you make them more than what they really are and those artificially inflated virtues make you more attracted to them. Except, in the end, it’s not about them as a person, so much as what they represent: your “only” chance at Twu Wuv.

Of course, it certainly doesn’t help that nerds tend to be overly sentimental hopeless romantics. Geek culture is especially bad about pushing the idea of The One True Love; genre fiction is saturated with the idea of a Perfect Love, one that is Destined and to which nothing else could ever compare. There may be others over time, but in the end, the protagonist’s love life will only truly be fulfilled if they hook up with their One True Pairing – accept no substitutes. Pair those years of cultural conditioning with the aforementioned underlying causes and you end up with a recipe for a nasty case of Oneitis that can come bubbling to the surface from your subconscious at the most inconvenient times.

You have to figure out just why it is you tend to attach too quickly to the women you date/sleep with. In my case, the nasty case of Oneitis that messed me up for years was due to low self-esteem; I thought I’d lucked out finding someone I thought was a Nerd Goddess and there was no way in hell I could ever find somebody that amazing who would actually, y’know, be attracted to me. As I worked on my self-confidence, it was easier to keep in mind that there were many, many women out there who were all amazing and would find me to be awesome too. I found the nagging tendency to want to push too hard or to need the validation from others would fade and I was able to take each relationship as it came.

Keep in mind is that there is no universal value to what women may or may not find excessive; one woman’s “he’s being clingy” is another’s “just right”, while trying to keep a certain distance can come off as “way too aloof” to still others. That extra text the morning after may be too much for one woman, but may be no big deal to another. You have to find the right balance with each person, and that can take some trial and error as you learn to calibrate your instincts. It can help – especially if you’re not looking for an exclusive relationship – to think of them as friends who you happen to sleep with; it can help take the self-imposed pressure of “was that too much?” when you’re texting or talking to your various partners.

TL, DR version: Oneitis is usually a sign that you need to get your head right. Work on the underlying causes and you’ll find that your tendency towards Oneitis will go away.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Kind of a long one here but I will try and give you the condensed version. I find myself in the Friend Zone with a bad case of oneitis for someone that KNOWS exactly how I feel for her. We have been seeing each other for 9 months and have had “the talk” where I received the standard clichés (it’s not you, it’s me) and she told me that she just wanted to be friends.

I was okay with being friends but her behavior has been more than confusing. She knows I am very attracted to her but I have not tried to be romantic or sexual with her since we had the conversation. I have, in fact, fended off HER advances more than once after a night of drinking. (I’m only so strong, I won’t be able to do that every time. I certainly didn’t WANT to fend her off those times either. I was afraid she would wake up with the coyote uglies.)

I have became this woman’s therapist, supposedly the only close male friend she has and she only has a couple of girlfriends that don’t seem very loyal. Every conversation we have involves an abusive ex-boyfriend or the guy that convinced her to go away with him so he could cheat on his wife. (She willingly went because she thought he was going to dump the wife for her, I mean, after all that’s what he had been telling her in texts for the past three months. That’s right, she fell in love by text…)

They were discovered, she was made out to be the town harlot, and now everyone else has moved on except her. She hides out at home, afraid to be seen in public. She uses the excuse of running into someone that was involved with that episode to cancel on me last minute for almost EVERYTHING we plan to do together. I know she has anxiety issues but seriously, cancel at the last minute every time, BY TEXT???

We hardly ever go out and when we do it is to somewhere out of town that she doesn’t think anyone will know us. If we plan on doing something 9 times out of 10 she will cancel on me and it is always last minute and by text. She even stood me up on my birthday. By text…

Now here is the kicker…I ACTUALLY FEEL SORRY FOR HER!!! AND I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HER!!! I feel horrible about all of the things that she has had to go through. I think that she suffers from manic depression. I have been on such an emotional roller coaster with this woman. I don’t know how much more I can take and honestly I don’t know why I have taken as much as I have!

She doesn’t want me but she doesn’t want anyone else to have me. Actually broke down into tears one night when a younger woman said hello to me. She told another attractive single woman that WAS INTERESTED in me that we were dating. She has dated several guys that I know to be low lifes yet I’m not datable. She doesn’t have those feelings for me. However, get a little alcohol in her and she is all over me.

I do not know how much more I can take. I don’t see this ending well if we were to get together. I feel like I am the reason she doesn’t want to be seen in public with me. I am somehow an embarrassment for her. Yet each time I try to step away from her she calls or texts, anything it takes to get my attention again. Once she has it, she doesn’t want it. My self esteem is shot. And for some reason I can’t go nuclear and drop her. I feel really guilty that I would be abandoning her, even though I know the minute the next guy comes along that says the right things to her, I’ll be forgotten. I’m tired of being stood up last minute and feeling like I’m an afterthought. My close friends that have seen the disappointment first hand for the past several months are right but I can’t seem to walk away. What to do? What to do? I know there is no chance of this relationship ever blossoming into what I want it to be. Even if it did turn into something more I don’t know if my self esteem can recover from what it has been through.

What to do?

Mixed Signals

DEAR MIXED SIGNALS: Dump her. Dump her now and never look back.

That sounds harsh I know, but you’re in an awful situation here and it’s not good for either of you. You’re not in the Friend Zone because, frankly, you’re not her friend. This isn’t about how you’re treating her but about how SHE is treating YOU.  Right now, you’re stuck as her emotional anchor and she’s dragging you both down.

So before I get too deep into this, I want to say: good on you for being willing to push her away when she’s drunk and hitting on you. That can be incredibly hard to resist and it says a lot about your character that you’ve been able to turn her down at a time when she’s really not able to give consent. And you’re right: that would be an incredibly bad scene the morning after… because she is one giant toxic mess right now.

I can empathize with her: she’s gone through some heavy crap lately and definitely needs to see a therapist to unpack some anxiety issues. At the same time however, that does not excuse her from being an a

t free life finally begin.

Good luck. And write back so we know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

le to the people who care about her and are trying to support her as best they can. And frankly, she’s treating you like crap. She wants you to herself, to give her the attention and validation she craves but doesn’t give anything back except for pawing at you when she’s trashed. She’s actively sabotaging your love-life because she wants you to be constantly dancing in attendance on her, soaking up all of her drama like the emotional sponge she’s always wanted.

But – and you had to know there was a but coming – you’re letting her do this to you. And, if I may be perfectly blunt, this is going to keep happening to you, even if you do cut things off with her. There are going to be other manipulative, toxic women who are going to walk all over you exactly the same way she does, unless you shape up.

You see, the problem is that you have poor boundaries. You’re permitting her walk all over you without so much as raising your voice in your own defense. Canceling plans at the last minute is a crappy thing to do, but sometimes life happens and there’s nothing you can do. Canceling constantly at the last minute is something that you should never be willing to put up with and would merit a very firm come-to-Jesus meeting long before things had ever gotten to this stage. But you’ve been accepting it and without saying “Hey, that’s a supremely awful way to treat a friend and I won’t put up with this any more,” which only gives her permission to keep doing it, and allows her to just up the stakes in her attempts to keep you around. I mean, Jeebus H. Frog, she’s gone so far as to go out of her way to destroy your chances of dating somebody else. Why in pluperfect hell are you even still TALKING to her?

I get that you like her and want to help her. However, you need to realize that while you’re her friend, she is not YOUR friend. You are letting her suck the life out of you because… well, I’m not entirely sure because quite frankly I can’t imagine the level of bedroom skills it would take to make me stick around in a situation like this. You are not her therapist, her brother, her boyfriend or anything with any sort of responsibility for her. I’m sorry for the hell she’s gone through but frankly, it’s on her head to get her crap together. It is not your duty to fix her, save her or have anything else to do with her. You have an obligation to yourself and you’ve been neglecting it

There is absolutely nothing here for you to salvage and you know it. So first things first: cut her the hell off. Dump her and go full nuclear – cut all ties. Block her on every form of social media you have, erase her number from your phone, delete her texts, block her from calling you at all if you can arrange it. Giving her any entry into your life is just another avenue for her to try to drag you back into her drama. Make sure your friends know too and have your back; do not let her use them as a way to get to you and to talk your happy ass down when you start having the inevitable second thoughts. Shut it down, burn all the bridges and salt the earth; this is the first step in your recovery.

The next step is that you need to start enforcing your boundaries so that you don’t end up in this situation again. Toxic people love folks who have poor boundaries – it’s easier to walk all over them and get what they want. You have to be your own first and best line of defense. You need to be willing to stand up for yourself and not allow her  – or anyone else – to treat you this way.

I have a word for you, and I want you to get used to using it.

“No”.

As in: “No, I won’t put up with your constantly canceling our plans at the last minute.” “No, I won’t tolerate you standing me up.” “No, I won’t accept your being a lousy friend to me.” “No, I won’t put up with this just because I want to sleep with you.”

It can be hard at first, especially if it’s someone you like. You’re going to worry that by saying “no” or calling her out for her bad behavior that you’re going to end up damaging your relationship.

Good.

You SHOULD damage relationships like that. If somebody is going to get upset because you’re willing to stick to your limits and not let yourself be guilted or manipulated into doing something you don’t want to, then you are well rid of them. If they are going to get angry at you because you won’t put up with rude or inconsiderate behavior, then forget ’em, they can go be awful to somebody else.

And you know what? The more you stand up for yourself, the better you’re going to feel. You’ll start to remember that you’ve got worth as a person, not just as somebody’s plaything. You’ll start to realize you’re much stronger than you’ve ever realized. And, more importantly, you’ll start cutting out the toxic, awful people out of your life. Trust me: it will be goddamn amazing.

So do it. Stand up for yourself. Cut her off and let your new, bulls

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do I get out of the friend zone, but, like, in the opposite direction that most people are interested in? How do I stop having a crush without going nuclear (especially in a situation where “going nuclear” would seem to imply finding a different job or asking to be scheduled every shift my crush does not have, which seems fairly extreme)?

Okay, so, I work with a girl and am recovering from a serious case of Oneitis regarding her: Great person. Good friend. Positively loves hanging out with me outside of work. Most of the time, I love hanging out with her too. However, no matter how much I tell myself we aren’t going to work as a couple, I’m apparently not quite prepared to see her with anyone else. She brought a date to our coworkers’ wedding recently, and seemed to be way closer than anticipated with her childhood friend who was allegedly her date mainly to keep her ex from creeping on her. I mean, there were kisses on the lips and hands on the butt between these two, which, in a perfect world, I would accept have nothing to do with me, but which were very painful to watch in the moment.

I mean, barring something drastic like finding a new job, I still have to work with this person, and I do honestly want to be her friend, not one of the many guys out there who “accepts” a woman’s offer of friendship while still pretending there’s a chance they’ll bone if they just solve a certain riddle correctly or whatever, but I don’t quite know how to do that, other than the supremely unpleasant experience of giving it time and hanging out with my crush as she dates people other than me until that pain eventually dies down. Is there a less painful way to go about this, in your experience?

So, what’s the least bad approach to trying to find an honest-to-God friendship where a self destructive crush used to live?

Sincerely, 

Lets Just Be Friends

DEAR LETS JUST BE FRIENDS: t’s good that you want to genuinely be friends, TFZNB, but I’m not gonna lie: you’re basically going to have to either find some separation or deal with the issue of seeing her with someone else.

The key to getting over a crush – or handling any inconvenient emotions, for that matter – is that the last thing you want to do is try to force yourself to not feel something. Trying to force an emotion like limerence into a teeny little box and pretend it doesn’t exist doesn’t work. All you’ve done is shoved everything into a can marked “contents under pressure” and poked a teeny hole in it. At some point those feelings are going to make themselves known, messily and all over the place.

At the same time, you don’t want to try to, say, force yourself to notice her flaws or convince yourself that she ain’t s

t. Not only does that not work unless you already hold her in contempt, but the opposite of a crush isn’t disgust, it’s indifference. All trying to convince yourself that she’s not worth it does is make you angry and upset. So forget that angle too.

Part of the way you handle it without pretending it doesn’t exist or without drowning yourself in the pathos of “WHHHYYYYY WON’T SHE LOVE MEEEEEEEE” is to just… accept it. When you feel those feels come bubbling up, note them, name them and then let them be. Just tell yourself something along the lines of “Welp, there’s my annoying crush on ol Wotzsername (Of the Connecticut Wotzernames)” and then go about your business. “Yup, guess I’m still feeling a bit jealous. Oh well.”

Don’t try to distract yourself, don’t try to pretend it’s not there. Just note it, name it and move on. You’d be amazed at how quickly this can dispel the all-attention-demanding power of a crush… or the pain that comes with unrequited love.

But the other thing you’re going to need is a little distance, for your own emotional self-protection. It’s good that you legitimately want to be friends with her and wish her all the best, but that doesn’t also mean that you need to have “the best” all up in your eyeballs every day. Watching her make out with her new beau – or anyone, really – in the name of “well I have to get over her” is just emotional self-flagellation for no good reason. Now unless she’s bringing her date to work with her, you should be OK. But it may well be worth your time to mute her on social media for a while if she’s in the “schmoopy” stage while you take the time to get over her. You don’t have to completely unfriend her, but making sure that you aren’t having pictures of her sucking face with someone being streamed into your timeline is a good thing. And if circumstances arise that you do have to spend time with her and her squeeze? It’s ok to find reasons to be looking elsewhere (or be elsewhere) if they happen to get affectionate. Hey, look the game’s on that TV on the other side of the room. Hey, what’s going on on Twitter why look #submarining1 is trending I wonder what that’s about.

But whether it’s just your feels in general or being around her in particular… don’t make a production about it. Note it, name it, and just carry on as normal.

And one more thing to keep in mind: date. Seriously. I know there’s a lot of “get over someone by getting under someone else” out there and there is some value to that… but it has far more to do with realizing that there are other women out there who are just as amazing than just “well, I’m going to plow my feelings into plowing someone else.” The more you can get into the abundance mindset, the easier it is to take the sting out of knowing that your crush – your fleeting, ephemeral crush – isn’t returned.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Longtime reader and huge fan of your work. Thank you for everything.

I am 25 years old, never been in a relationship, living at home, working part time and struggling to stay sane. My younger brother works as an engineer and is doing well and successful with his job. My problem is that he won’t let up criticizing me on everything I do. Not only with my life but also just day to day things. My taste in movies, music, my friends, opinions, how I drive, cleanliness and anything you can imagine. He lives 2 hours away but now comes and stays here every weekend. Its ends up being 3 soul crushing days for me.

The week isn’t much easier. My father lost his job a few years back and verbally takes it out on my mom. He calls her names and blames her for everything. My brother then comes on the weekend and criticizes us on everything. I support her as much I can, but my mom doesn’t deserve this kind of emotional abuse.

I have tried to assert myself calmly but it only ends with him escalating or on very few occasions even turning violent with me to regain control of the situation. I’m starting out as an actor and being around him has started to affect my work with my not being able to practice or land roles. My work to him is a joke and when I told him I wanted to pursue acting, he flat out told me “You’ll never have any success”. My father loves this and sometimes even joins in.

The worst part is I became addicted to porn. It was a crutch and has gotten worse as my life just feels uncontrollable sometimes. Its not my brother or father’s fault, being around them hasn’t made it any easier though.

I had a lot of the problems you write about while growing up such as; social awkwardness, creepy behaviors and trouble landing dates in general. But I work on it relentlessly and have made a ton of progress compared to where I was 4 years ago when I started. I got to counseling and support groups. That too is something my brother can’t stand about me and he constantly takes any opportunity to call me ‘gay’ in a deragatory way for not being sexually aggressive and ogling women at every chance I get. He does this in front of my other family members and they almost believe it from what I see. (Nothing against the LGBT community by the way, everyone deserves to be happy with whoever they love)

I like to think I have something good to give this world. But on Sundays when my brother finally leaves I feel worthless. Like I can’t do anything right and haven’t learned any skills over the years. I feel so alone where I am. I’m saving up to move out but it hasn’t been an easy journey and my addiction has started to drain my savings. I’m not a bad guy, and I want to be happy, where do I go from here?

Best,

Trying to Make it

DEAR TRYING TO MAKE IT: I am so sorry you’re going through this TTMI. Family is supposed to be a refuge against the world, a place of safety and comfort. Unfortunately, all too often, it can be what you need refuge from.

Ultimately, you know what you need to do: you need to get the hell out of there. Sooner, rather than later, before your brother and your father achieve their ultimate goal of crushing the hope out of you so that you’re as miserable as they are. The fact that your brother has had his achievements doesn’t necessarily mean that he values them – not as anything other than a stick to beat people with. It sounds like they’ve been corroded by bitterness, envy and hate and now you and your mother are the safest targets they can find.

So what you need to do is bend your not-inconsiderable will and inner strength to that goal. Which means that the first thing that needs to happen is that you need to cut out the porn.

Here’s the thing about your porn addiction. The problem ain’t the porn. You’re self-medicating, using what you can to get through the misery of what you’re going through. Porn just happens to be your drug of choice. It could just as easily be booze, weed, sex, shopping or anything else that makes you feel just a smidgen of control, a hint of a time when everything isn’t a giant industrial vat of suck.

I also suspect that there’s an element of self-sabotage in there too; you buy into your brother and father’s “this is why you suck” and don’t believe you deserve happiness or success and so you cut yourself off from your own escape.

But right now you can’t afford the luxury of an addiction, not if you’re going to get out like you need to. So porn, especially paid porn, has to go. Tell yourself that it’s just for now; as soon as you’re out of there, you can go on a porn binge the likes of which the world has never seen. You will pay all the money to your favorite camgirl or buy the Caligula Would Blush level membership at PornHub… just as soon as you’re in your own place. Remind yourself of how good it’ll feel to masturbate in a place where your brother can’t go.

All the money you’d spend on porn, all the money you’re not spending on immediate needs – has to go to a “get the f

got, oh well,” in such  a way that it takes the satisfaction out of his abuse while still protecting yourself. Call it passive-aggressive resistance. It’s like punching mud; when your blows just… sink in, it absorbs energy but disperses the impact and leaves you exhausted from the effort.

While this is going on, you need to surround yourself with Team You – your friends and family by choice if not by blood. These are the people who have your back, who love you and support you and can help you remember to hope. They’re going to be your lifeline while you finish gathering your resources for your eventual escape. And if some of them can let you couch-surf with them or hook you up with people who you can stay with, so much the better. That’ll get you out of the house that much sooner and you’ll be further on your path to both escape and recovery.

And once you’re out? Stay out. You have the right to set your boundaries wherever you damn well choose and if those boundaries means your asshole brother doesn’t get to be part of your life, then by God so be it. You don’t have to see him ever again if you don’t want. You can set up your own plans to see your mother and the rest of your family can go f

k out” fund. In fact, it’s probably best if your GTFO fund is a savings account, one that you can’t just dip into at will, to help cut down on the “Well just this once,” indulgences that drain your bank account.

Of course, none of this is going to help if you let your  self-esteem get ground into dust while you’re making your escape plan. So, like any prisoner about to break out, you need to keep your head down and not make waves. Your brother clearly needs to be in control and wants you to submit. This is part of why he gets violent; he wants you to give in and will try to force you to if he has to. But you can give the appearance of docility while holding onto the core of your ideals. You can roll with the emotional punches and take the sting out of them  – “you’re right, I’ll never succeed. I’m probably a f

k themselves.

And who knows. Maybe your getting out will be the sign to your mom that she needs to GTFO too. Because neither of you deserve the abuse that’s being heaped on you.

But like they say on airlines: make sure your own oxygen mask is secure before helping others with theirs. You can’t help her until you’re safe and secure. So trade your porn consumption for the future you need. Find things that will satisfy your soul and give you solace instead while you bend your very being to getting out and making a better life for yourself. Because that life is out there. It’s within reach. You just need to stay strong and hold on to hope. You’ll get there, man. You’re going to be ok.

Be sure to write back, so we know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, let me say that I love reading your articles.  Your down-to-earth, no-nonsense approach to dating advice is refreshing, and while I’ve not applied a lick of it because college work takes up nearly all of my time right now (silly engineering school), I am looking forward to a day when I can get myself into dating and find somebody to spend my life with.

So, I’m in sort of my fifth year of college, because I had a bit of a mental break and had to take a year off.  Now I’m back for a quarter to finish my degree, and I get to catch up with my fraternity and what I’ve missed for the time I was gone.  Turns out, in that time, two of my brothers have come out as trans women.  We’re all supportive of them, let em know that they’re still our “brothers” (as it were) and we’ll love ’em no matter what.  So that’s all fine and good.  One of them happens to be one of my best friends, so I get to have a crash course in understanding and accepting what it means to be trans (Christian upbringing, it’s never come up).

That being said, love is a fickle mistress, and she’s not too happy with being put on the back burner for so long.  Settle in for a couple paragraphs of back story, because this is more involved than a Spanish soap opera.

Time goes on, and my feelings kinda change.  As she (the one who is among my best friends) continues to transition and presents more and more as female, I have my initial connection of “we like the same things and talking with you is awesome and you’re an amazing person” merging with “you know, you’re actually kinda cute, and the fact that you’ve transitioned has flipped the binary ‘is this person a possible mate?’ switch in my brain” and after some incubation time I’m head-over-heels (that phrase is so strange).

So here I am in love with my trans femme fraternity brother… partner… something. Terminology gets weird here. Anyway, this throws me for a loop, and I start questioning my sexuality, my own gender, etc. etc. etc. and eventually come full circle to “this just is what it is.”  So, somewhere along here (actually before the questioning starts) I tell her pretty directly that I’m romantically attracted to her.  We had a rather long talk one night that mostly consisted of me being all “I’m pretty sure I’m accidentally in love with you” and her responding “well, I can’t say I feel the same way, and I’m only into girls, so…” That’s possibly what sprang my gender-search thing.  I’m not actually sure yet if it’s more something real or something of me wanting to adapt so that I can be with her.

Now then, let’s add another layer of “forget this whole situation” – SHE has a thing for the OTHER trans woman in the fraternity, and they are still kinda feeling out where they are with that.

Take all this and combine in that I have no damn idea how to handle this, and I end up making a scene on a regular basis with my frustrations and taking them out on punching walls and such when I think nobody is looking, and go through regular cycles of ending up in this painful ‘catch 22’ state of mind, and unfairly expecting people to understand and somehow comfort me.  I’ve told a lot of my brothers about this, and they want to be helpful and supportive and crap, but they have no more clue than I do.

So, here I am writing this letter.  What do you think would be a “good” course of action?  A big part of me wants a relationship, and another big part of me doesn’t wanna lose one of my best friends, and yet another big part just can’t take the pain of being so-close-yet-so-far all the time.

Signed,

Really Confused

DEAR REALLY CONFUSED: OK RC, I can see how this would be confusing to you, especially since you’ve never really known anyone who was trans.

All of these major changes to your status quo came in rapid succession, so I can completely understand how all of this can throw you for something of a loop.

But one of the things that it’s worth remembering is that sexuality isn’t binary; in fact, it’s pretty damn complicated; somewhere between a sliding scale and a four-axis graph.

There’s also the fact that gender, like sexuality, tends to be more of a spectrum than a binary. Some folks are more fluid or gender-non-conforming, some folks are trans, some are intersex. If it’s not something that you’ve encountered before, it can seem a little disconcerting at first. Particularly if you meet someone who makes you question your assumptions about yourself and your sexuality.

But honestly, in your case I suspect it’s pretty simple. You and your best friend have always had chemistry – otherwise you wouldn’t be best friends – and affection for one another. It’s just the nature of that affection has changed because your perception of her has changed. But when you get right down to it, she’s the same person you’ve known all this time. It’s not that she’s suddenly changed into a woman; she’s always been a woman and now she’s finally able to make her exterior match who she is inside.

That’s why your switch got flipped. Before, while she was presenting as male, you accepted her as male and weren’t attracted to her. Now that she’s transitioning and she’s finally becoming her authentic self, you’re seeing her with new eyes. In a way, it’s almost like you’re being introduced to someone new and familiar at the same time.

That chemistry and affection is still there in the mix and  now that you see her as a woman – the one she’s always been inside – you’re responding to that.

So yeah, RC: you’re still straight. No question there. You’re attracted to women. Your friend’s a woman. You’re just starting to realize that your definition of “woman” is a little wider than you previously realized.

So what should you do?

Well, that’s going to be the part you aren’t going to like.

Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is, frankly, learn to let go of your romantic feelings for her. She may be living her truth after finally coming out as trans… but that truth also includes the fact that she’s a lesbian and that’s not going to change any time soon.

(And to forestall the obvious comments: no, she wasn’t a straight dude who became a woman. She was always a queer woman; she just was assigned male at birth. Her sexuality didn’t change, she’s just finally able to confirm her gender.)

Add to the fact that she’s currently exploring a relationship – possibly even one that’s been building for years – and well… I sympathize with you, but you’ve fallen in love with someone who just isn’t going to love you back. Not in the way that you hope she will, in any case. It would be exactly the same if she were a cisgendered lesbian rather than a trans one.

You’re frustrated and angry, which is understandable. I mean, being stuck in a situation where someone you love doesn’t love you back sucks. But the way you’re dealing with that frustration is self-destructive at best and kind of terrifying to people around you at worst. No amount of lashing out is going to change the facts on the ground, but it WILL guarantee that you’ll lose your friendship and push people away from you.

If you don’t want to lose your friendship, you’re going to have to learn how to channel and re-direct those frustrations NOW, so that you don’t lash out at HER. Punching walls has a nasty tendency to start turning into punching people and destroying property in anger is a GET THE HELL OUT SO FAST YOU LEAVE A HUMAN SMOKE CLOUD BEHIND signal to others.

And honestly, even if we could guarantee that you’d stick to hitting things that you’re allowed to hit — literal punching bags, say — bouts of rage that end up with hitting things aren’t productive. Expressing anger and frustration like that tends to make you even MORE angry and frustrated. You’re just reinforcing an already ugly cycle.

Instead, you might want to consider exercise as a way of venting the angry energy that comes from that pain; throwing that frustration into running or weight training is going to be a hell of a lot healthier all around, and the physical exertion is a great way of turning your brain off for a while. Getting lost in the physicality of your own body and letting the exhaustion sap away your ability to think about anything other than getting a shower and collapsing is a great way of not constantly dwelling on your broken heart.

You may also want to talk to a counselor while you’re still in school. Getting some professional advice on how to handle your anger in a productive way will go a long way to making your life better over all.

The other thing you’re going to want to do is to get some distance. After all, if being around her hurts you (and, I want to stress, it’s a natural, even understandable, to feel this way… provided you recognize that being angry at her isn’t going to help you) then the best thing to do is step away for a little while until you’re better able to handle things. Let her know exactly what you’re doing and why: that you care about your friendship, but you’re not going to be able to be a good friend to her while you’re still wrestling with these feelings for her. So you need to pull back a little bit until you’ve got a handle on things. Make sure she understands that this isn’t anything she’s done; this is strictly about you and your feelings and you’re planning on being back some day.

And then… you get some space. You don’t have to go full nuclear option on her, but you should dial things back considerably. After all, it’s hard to get some distance and let things fade when you’re constantly checking her Facebook and Twitter statuses and Instagram uploads. It’s ok to send out a ping every now and then – an email, say – so she knows that you’re still around and that you’re still friends – but don’t let this be a way of poking at the wound… and trust me, you’re going to want to poke at it. You’ll convince yourself that you’re just checking to see if things are healed yet, but what you’re actually doing is trying to keep it open because you’re still holding onto hope that maybe she’s not interested in her partner anymore and maybe she’s interested in men now and perhaps now’s your chance. And all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to see she’s with somebody – maybe the same person, maybe not, maybe something serious, but maybe not – somebody who is not you and it’s going to rip your heart out and stomp it on the ground. And you’re going to be back at square one again.

There’s no timeline on when you’ll be over her, and you shouldn’t try to force yourself into one. Artificial deadlines only encourage you to make bad decisions and to decide that you’re more over her than you actually are, and that’s a recipe for heartbreak. You’ll know when you’re ready to bring her fully back into your life when you realize that you can see her with somebody else and it doesn’t hit you like a hammer to the chest and leave you unable to breathe. And then you’ll realize that the fact that she loves you as a friend is far more important than the fact that she doesn’t see you as a lover… and you can pick up where you both left off.

And – as hard as this is going to be while you’re trying to get over her – you’re going to want to date. Not anything serious – the last thing you want to do is let somebody else be your substitute for her; that’s unfair to both of you – but enough to remember that there are lots of other amazing women out there, women who want what you have to offer. And who knows: you may find someone else who you have equally serious chemistry with, who digs you and everything about you… and you’ll be dying to introduce her to your best friend because it’s important that she meet the other amazing people in your life.

I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna suck. But in the end, it’ll be OK. You’ll be OK. And you’ll have preserved your friendship.

All will be well.