DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In all likelihood, I am an autistic person. I have not been diagnosed, but self-testing, identification with other people with autism and the testimony of people I trust suggests, yeah, I’m autistic. And that’s okay – I actually like having that prism to see and maybe understand the world through.
However, at this point, I’ve spent literal decades feeling like an ugly weirdo. I’ve done okay with relationships, but it feels like it’s been completely by accident and I’ve always pretty much needed people to sit on my lap or just say that they like me (or both!)
I hear so much about how people look at people in social situations and consider them or playfully flirt and I don’t think I’ve ever been on the receiving end of that. And that really hurts, because it feels like neurotypical people who can present themselves well (I do take care of myself and try to dress stylishly, at least within my subculture) exist in a different world to me while I’m behind glass. I don’t know which I’d prefer – that I’m ill equipped to detect signals or that I’m never on the receiving end of them.
I know I think “oh, hey, that person is cute” or “she’s really funny” after interactions, but it really brings me down I’m just static to people I meet. I guess my question is – is it possible to be that invisible? I do try to be funny and ask questions of people and maintain hobbies and interests but it can feel like wearing a “person suit” sometimes.
Thanks, Doc
Can’t Click “Not A Robot” In Good Faith
DEAR CAN’T CLICK “NOT A ROBOT”: f you’re a regular reader, NAR, or even a fairly new one, you may notice how many people – both neurotypical and the various flavors of neurospicy – have issues with picking up on signs of interest or the fact that people are flirting with them. This isn’t something that’s only reserved for folks who are neurodiverse, it’s something everyone experiences. Some of it is just down to people not knowing how to recognize flirting or interest, but a lot of it is down to how we feel about ourselves.
After all, if you think you’re an unf--kable homunculus, you’re going to have a much harder time believing that other people could have all kinds of sweaty pantsfeels for you. And if you do see someone who seems interested, you’ll be much more inclined to assume that you’re misreading things, that you’re overestimating their interest or that you don’t know if you can trust your own judgement.
However, I think you’re missing something important: you’re autistic. That’s information you didn’t have before, information that directly affects your understanding of your own life and experiences.
I’ve talked before about what it was like for me to be formally diagnosed as having ADHD – suddenly, a lot of what frustrated and perplexed me growing up made much more sense. It was like wiping the fog off a window and finally being able to see things clearly; I had a much better understanding about why I struggled with some things or reacted in certain ways.
So it is with your coming to the realization that you’re autistic. Think of finally having that label as being a key that unlocks new understanding of your life and your past – and, just as importantly, your future. Now that you know this about yourself and how this affects you, you’re able to fold this into your understanding of yourself. Considering how autism makes it difficult to understand social cues, doesn’t it make sense that you may have missed out on signals that were less overt than “sat in your lap and started to wiggle”? Doesn’t it make sense that you felt weird or out of synch with the world around you? You were a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, sanding off bits of yourself until you managed to squeeze into an imperfect fit. Small wonder that you felt ugly and weird; you were trying to be something you weren’t. That discomfort was as much about not being your authentic self – or, rather, not realizing what your authentic self actually was and thus not understanding why everything was such a poor fit for you.
It’s less of an “ugly duckling” situation and more of a cat being raised by dogs. You could make it work, but it wasn’t going to be a smooth or easy process and it was going to involve a lot of frustration and misunderstandings.
By that same token, because you know this about yourself now, you’re in a better position to advocate for what you need for better understanding and comprehension. Sure, you’re still going to struggle to pick up on some things… but now that you know that this is an issue for you, you can actually work with that. You can, for example, tell people that you need them to be blunt with you or that you prefer they do X if they need you to understand them. You can ask for clarity when you need it and advocate for yourself and your needs.
It’s hard to fill a need if you don’t realize that need is there in the first place, after all. It’s hard to adjust your view of the world when you don’t realize you’re not seeing it clearly in the first place. You now have so much new and more complete understanding of yourself that it’s almost like you’ve evolved into a different person. But it’s more that you’re finally taking off weights that you never realized were there.
There is, obviously, going to be an adjustment period. Just having the label isn’t going to change a lifetime of ingrained habits and behaviors after all. You’ve been wearing that mask for so long that it’s going to take time to get used to not having it. So you need to give yourself some grace, some compassion and have patience as you adjust. You’re going to be carving some new grooves and developing new patterns and behaviors – ones that will actually meet your needs and serve you in ways that the previous ones didn’t.
So I think what you need to start by forgiving yourself for not knowing this about yourself. After all, you can’t always know what you don’t know. Now that you know this, you can take a different approach and figure out how to navigate the world in ways that actually work for you. It will take time – and you should give yourself that time. And while the world is still hard for people who aren’t neurotypical, I think that now you know this about yourself, you’re going to find that life is going to be very different from now on… and much better for you.
You’re doing great, NAR. You just need to give yourself some time to adjust to this new perspective. You’ve got this.
All will be well.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com