DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, let me say that I love reading your articles.  Your down-to-earth, no-nonsense approach to dating advice is refreshing, and while I’ve not applied a lick of it because college work takes up nearly all of my time right now (silly engineering school), I am looking forward to a day when I can get myself into dating and find somebody to spend my life with.

That being said, love is a fickle mistress, and she’s not too happy with being put on the back burner for so long.  Settle in for a couple paragraphs of back story, because this is more involved than a Spanish soap opera.

So, I’m in sort of my fifth year of college, because I had a bit of a mental break and had to take a year off.  Now I’m back for a quarter to finish my degree, and I get to catch up with my fraternity and what I’ve missed for the time I was gone.  Turns out, in that time, two of my brothers have come out as trans women.  We’re all supportive of them, let em know that they’re still our “brothers” (as it were) and we’ll love ’em no matter what.  So that’s all fine and good.  One of them happens to be one of my best friends, so I get to have a crash course in understanding and accepting what it means to be trans (Christian upbringing, it’s never come up).

Time goes on, and my feelings kinda change.  As she (the one who is among my best friends) continues to transition and presents more and more as female, I have my initial connection of “we like the same things and talking with you is awesome and you’re an amazing person” merging with “you know, you’re actually kinda cute, and the fact that you’ve transitioned has flipped the binary ‘is this person a possible mate?’ switch in my brain” and after some incubation time I’m head-over-heels (that phrase is so strange).

So here I am in love with my trans femme fraternity brother… partner… something. Terminology gets weird here. Anyway, this throws me for a loop, and I start questioning my sexuality, my own gender, etc. etc. etc. and eventually come full circle to “this just is what it is.”  So, somewhere along here (actually before the questioning starts) I tell her pretty directly that I’m romantically attracted to her.  We had a rather long talk one night that mostly consisted of me being all “I’m pretty sure I’m accidentally in love with you” and her responding “well, I can’t say I feel the same way, and I’m only into girls, so…” That’s possibly what sprang my gender-search thing.  I’m not actually sure yet if it’s more something real or something of me wanting to adapt so that I can be with her.

Now then, let’s add another layer of “forget this whole situation” – SHE has a thing for the OTHER trans woman in the fraternity, and they are still kinda feeling out where they are with that.

Take all this and combine in that I have no damn idea how to handle this, and I end up making a scene on a regular basis with my frustrations and taking them out on punching walls and such when I think nobody is looking, and go through regular cycles of ending up in this painful ‘catch 22’ state of mind, and unfairly expecting people to understand and somehow comfort me.  I’ve told a lot of my brothers about this, and they want to be helpful and supportive and crap, but they have no more clue than I do.

So, here I am writing this letter.  What do you think would be a “good” course of action?  A big part of me wants a relationship, and another big part of me doesn’t wanna lose one of my best friends, and yet another big part just can’t take the pain of being so-close-yet-so-far all the time.

Signed,

Really Confused

DEAR REALLY CONFUSED: OK RC, I can see how this would be confusing to you, especially since you’ve never really known anyone who was trans.

All of these major changes to your status quo came in rapid succession, so I can completely understand how all of this can throw you for something of a loop.

But one of the things that it’s worth remembering is that sexuality isn’t binary; in fact, it’s pretty damn complicated; somewhere between a sliding scale and a four-axis graph.

For example: there’s the whole idea of the Kinsey scale with strict heterosexual attraction on one side and strict homosexual attraction on the other and a wide, wide range in between. There’s also the fact that sometimes people will have that one person who flips their switch, despite the fact that this person isn’t the type or gender that they’re normally attracted to.  You may be as straight as the day is long, but there’s just something about Ewan McGregor that gives you sweaty dreams at night. Or you may be gay, but there’s that one woman who stirs up interest when no other woman does. Call it single-target sexuality: it’s not about their gender or your orientation, it’s just something about THEM, specifically. It happens to folks more often than you’d suspect and it makes ’em all go “Woah, what the hell?”

There’s also the fact that gender, like sexuality, tends to be more of a spectrum than a binary. Some folks are more fluid or gender-non-conforming, some folks are trans, some are intersex. If it’s not something that you’ve encountered before, it can seem a little disconcerting at first. Particularly if you meet someone who makes you question your assumptions about yourself and your sexuality.

But honestly, in your case I suspect it’s pretty simple. You and your best friend have always had chemistry – otherwise you wouldn’t be best friends – and affection for one another. It’s just the nature of that affection has changed because your perception of her has changed. But when you get right down to it, she’s the same person you’ve known all this time. It’s not that she’s suddenly changed into a woman; she’s always been a woman and now she’s finally able to make her exterior match who she is inside.

That’s why your switch got flipped. Before, while she was presenting as male, you accepted her as male and weren’t attracted to her. Now that she’s transitioning and she’s finally becoming her authentic self, you’re seeing her with new eyes. In a way, it’s almost like you’re being introduced to someone new and familiar at the same time.

That chemistry and affection is still there in the mix and  now that you see her as a woman – the one she’s always been inside – you’re responding to that.

So yeah, RC: you’re still straight. No question there. You’re attracted to women. Your friend’s a woman. You’re just starting to realize that your definition of “woman” is a little wider than you previously realized.

So what should you do?

Well, that’s going to be the part you aren’t going to like.

Unfortunately, the best thing you can do is, frankly, learn to let go of your romantic feelings for her. She may be living her truth after finally coming out as trans… but that truth also includes the fact that she’s a lesbian and that’s not going to change any time soon.

(And to forestall the obvious comments: no, she wasn’t a straight dude who became a woman. She was always a queer woman; she just was assigned male at birth. Her sexuality didn’t change, she’s just finally able to confirm her gender.)

Add to the fact that she’s currently exploring a relationship – possibly even one that’s been building for years – and well… I sympathize with you, but you’ve fallen in love with someone who just isn’t going to love you back. Not in the way that you hope she will, in any case. It would be exactly the same if she were a cisgendered lesbian rather than a trans one.

You’re frustrated and angry, which is understandable. I mean, being stuck in a situation where someone you love doesn’t love you back sucks. But the way you’re dealing with that frustration is self-destructive at best and kind of terrifying to people around you at worst. No amount of lashing out is going to change the facts on the ground, but it WILL guarantee that you’ll lose your friendship and push people away from you.

If you don’t want to lose your friendship, you’re going to have to learn how to channel and re-direct those frustrations NOW, so that you don’t lash out at HER. Punching walls has a nasty tendency to start turning into punching people and destroying property in anger is a GET THE HELL OUT SO FAST YOU LEAVE A HUMAN SMOKE CLOUD BEHIND signal to others.

And honestly, even if we could guarantee that you’d stick to hitting things that you’re allowed to hit — literal punching bags, say — bouts of rage that end up with hitting things aren’t productive. Expressing anger and frustration like that tends to make you even MORE angry and frustrated. You’re just reinforcing an already ugly cycle.

Instead, you might want to consider exercise as a way of venting the angry energy that comes from that pain; throwing that frustration into running or weight training is going to be a hell of a lot healthier all around, and the physical exertion is a great way of turning your brain off for a while. Getting lost in the physicality of your own body and letting the exhaustion sap away your ability to think about anything other than getting a shower and collapsing is a great way of not constantly dwelling on your broken heart.

You may also want to talk to a counselor while you’re still in school. Getting some professional advice on how to handle your anger in a productive way will go a long way to making your life better over all.

The other thing you’re going to want to do is to get some distance. After all, if being around her hurts you (and, I want to stress, it’s a natural, even understandable, to feel this way… provided you recognize that being angry at her isn’t going to help you) then the best thing to do is step away for a little while until you’re better able to handle things. Let her know exactly what you’re doing and why: that you care about your friendship, but you’re not going to be able to be a good friend to her while you’re still wrestling with these feelings for her. So you need to pull back a little bit until you’ve got a handle on things. Make sure she understands that this isn’t anything she’s done; this is strictly about you and your feelings and you’re planning on being back some day.

And then… you get some space. You don’t have to go full nuclear option on her, but you should dial things back considerably. After all, it’s hard to get some distance and let things fade when you’re constantly checking her Facebook and Twitter statuses and Instagram uploads. It’s ok to send out a ping every now and then – an email, say – so she knows that you’re still around and that you’re still friends – but don’t let this be a way of poking at the wound… and trust me, you’re going to want to poke at it. You’ll convince yourself that you’re just checking to see if things are healed yet, but what you’re actually doing is trying to keep it open because you’re still holding onto hope that maybe she’s not interested in her partner anymore and maybe she’s interested in men now and perhaps now’s your chance. And all that’s going to happen is that you’re going to see she’s with somebody – maybe the same person, maybe not, maybe something serious, but maybe not – somebody who is not you and it’s going to rip your heart out and stomp it on the ground. And you’re going to be back at square one again.

There’s no timeline on when you’ll be over her, and you shouldn’t try to force yourself into one. Artificial deadlines only encourage you to make bad decisions and to decide that you’re more over her than you actually are, and that’s a recipe for heartbreak. You’ll know when you’re ready to bring her fully back into your life when you realize that you can see her with somebody else and it doesn’t hit you like a hammer to the chest and leave you unable to breathe. And then you’ll realize that the fact that she loves you as a friend is far more important than the fact that she doesn’t see you as a lover… and you can pick up where you both left off.

And – as hard as this is going to be while you’re trying to get over her – you’re going to want to date. Not anything serious – the last thing you want to do is let somebody else be your substitute for her; that’s unfair to both of you – but enough to remember that there are lots of other amazing women out there, women who want what you have to offer. And who knows: you may find someone else who you have equally serious chemistry with, who digs you and everything about you… and you’ll be dying to introduce her to your best friend because it’s important that she meet the other amazing people in your life.

I’m not gonna lie. It’s gonna suck. But in the end, it’ll be OK. You’ll be OK. And you’ll have preserved your friendship.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a video game developer and have been married for over 5 years now. I met my wife when I was in college and, while we have always had a great relationship, I feel we’re very out of sync sexually. I was a virgin when we met, so I started with a lack of experience. Over the years our sexual activity has sort of been painted in to a corner. To explain it in several points:

– We both want the other to be more dominant. I’m driven to please her, but what she wants is for me to tell her what I want, which is for her to tell me what she wants, which is for me to tell her what I want… endless loop. I have tried to be more dominant, but I don’t feel like myself in those moments. It’s also difficult for me to compartmentalize that sort of behavior, and so outside of the bedroom I feel regret for treating my wife disrespectfully. I’m afraid this will only become worse if I take that role farther.

– When I’m aroused the speech center of my brain literally shuts down. She wants me to talk more during the act. I have really tried to improve at this but, while I disparately try to form words, nothing comes out.

– I often try to lead in to sex with a sensual massage, but when all she wants is a massage I feel like a rejected pervert at the end. Sometimes she’ll offer a hand job out of pity, but this feels like I’ve been rejected and inconvenienced her. Because I know that there’s a decent chance I’ll be rejected it makes me not want to be affectionate like this at all.

And so, while we have a very fun and loving relationship, our sex has shut down in a weird stalemate. I’ve tried bringing up the topic, but she sees it as a problem with her not being interested at that moment, rather than a broader problem that’s been getting worse. We’ve tried mixing things up with porn or games or toys, but these added a layer of complication that didn’t work quite right the first time out. I’m willing to retry things and improve, but often she’s very averse to giving things a second chance.

But I’m not trying to put the blame on her. I grew up very socially-awkward and so I’ve often lacked the skills I need to interact with humans, especially those I care about most. I’m out of ideas and I hope you can provide a new perspective to help me think about what I can do to improve the situation. Thanks for your time.

- Probably Overthinking Things

DEAR PROBABLY OVERTHINKING THINGS: You’ve got a couple of issues here but they’re all stemming from the same place: you’re not really communicating and you’re trying to let the sex just happen.

It’s understandable; we’re all taught that sex is supposed to be as spontaneous and improvisational as possible and trying to plan it out is a crime against passion and romance. When we think about trying to schedule sex, we tend to assume this is going to make it feel rote and mechanical; if you have to schedule times to have sex, then that means that you just aren’t as attracted to your partner as when the mood magically strikes out of the clear blue sky and you just have to bang out right then and there.

The problem with this belief is that not only does it make it pretty damn difficult to actually work out issues like “who’s going to dominate whom”, but you’re also causing yourselves a ton of stress when the sex just doesn’t happen… you’re not in the mood or she’s not, your schedules are conflicting, what-have-you.

As a result, there’s not a lot of sexing going on and a lot of frustration and despair happening instead.

So here’s what you need to do:

You need to work all of this out in advance. Now, to emphasize what I said earlier: I realize this seems like the antithesis of a happy sex-life but stick with me.

You’re a programmer who works in video game development; you should be familiar with the value of pre-production and production scheduling. You don’t just start building a game with no idea of where you’re going or what milestones you need to hit by when.

The same thinking applies to sex, especially sex in a long-term relationship.

To start with, the two of you need to sit down at a time when sex is absolutely NOT going to happen and talk about how you’re feeling about your sex life, what exactly it is that the two of you want and how you can satisfy your needs.

This is one of those times when you need to be careful about how you phrase things, especially to avoid making your wife feel as though it’s all her fault and putting her immediately on the defensive; you want to use a lot of “I feel” and “I would like” statements to emphasize where you’re coming from without being accusatory.

You want to keep this at a time when sex isn’t going to be an issue because it can be difficult to have a conversation about sexual issues when you’re trying to actually bang out. Plus, as you said: if you have a problem maintaining an erection and speaking coherently at the same time, you don’t want to mumble and stumble your way through trying to explain what your needs are and why this issue has been upsetting you.

It’s important that you two take turns here. You will want to take this in stages. First, you explain why this is something you need to talk about with her and what it is that you worry will happen by bringing it up (such as her judging you or feeling upset by your explaining why you’re unsatisfied). Then you explain what your needs are and why you feel that they aren’t getting met.

Next, you explain what it is that you need, how you would like to see things work out and how things would improve if you both did this.

And then, once you’ve said your peace, you then say: “…and what about you?” Then let her share her side of things. Be sure to give her the same attention and courtesy that she gives you. Don’t interrupt, don’t interject to “clarify” things, even if you feel that they’re factually wrong. Let her talk about how she feels and then, once she’s finished, ask questions and make sure you’re both on the same page.

Then and only then will you two be ready to start finding the compromises and work-arounds to get your sex life to the place where you want it to be.

And here are some thoughts on just how you can compromise and both of you meet your needs.

You both want the other to take more of a dominant role during sex… fine. You both can. You just have to alternate who’s going to be in charge. Even days, you’re the dom, odd days, she’s the dom, you get the first half of the week, she gets the second, whatever. Figure out a schedule that works for you both and just switch the roles. Even if one of you isn’t necessarily getting what he or she wants that time, the anticipation of what you’re going to do (or be on the receiving end of) next time can be intoxicating.

If you’re worried about not being able to separate being more dominant during sex with your daily lives together, add another layer to it that’s the signal that this is when you’re supposed to be “in charge”. It could be something as simple as a costume piece or background music, but it should be something that isn’t part of your day to day experience. As long as she’s wearing the pearls and the apron and nothing else, you are now the surly husband who’s going to get what he wants from his wife OR ELSE. When the pearls and apron (or what-have-you) are gone… life goes back to normal.

Similarly, she wants you to talk more during sex? Plan it out. Write out a scenario, memorize it, start going through it during sex. Can’t decide what to say? Didn’t have something planned out in time? Keep it simple and obvious: tell her what you’re about to do, tell her what you’re doing and tell her what you did. Short and simple: “Tell me you like it”. “Give me that $BODY_PART” “I’m going to $SEX_ACT you until you scream.” She’s not expecting Oscar Wilde or Thoreau levels of discourse and poetry while you’re having sex. She just wants some passion and intensity.

Now here’s for the part that’s going to seem a little awkward at first.

After you’ve negotiated your issues, you’re going to want to make a schedule for sex – date, time and location – and stick to it, even if one or the other isn’t necessarily feeling it at the time. It can feel weird – after all, you’re treating sex like a scheduled meeting at work – but it puts you into the rhythm (as it were) of sex on a regular basis and it brings a higher-level of importance to actually making the time for it. This will also help with your worries about being rejected when you want to make a move.

Now here’s something you need to understand: you shouldn’t feel like a pervert because you want to have sex; there’s nothing wrong with having a libido and being sexually attracted to your wife. It does sound like the two of you have communication issues – just because you’re trying to lead into sex with a sensual massage doesn’t necessarily mean that she knows that’s where you’re going… and it also doesn’t sound like she’s very good at telling you that she’d rather just have the massage this time before you get too far into it.

Hopefully she isn’t responding to your overtures with “Fine, I’ll jerk you off if that’ll get you out of my hair”; she should be saying “hey, I’m not really in the mood at the moment, but here, let me help you out.” At the same time, you shouldn’t treat the handjob necessarily as a second-rate replacement for sex or a pity-induced orgasm. Part of what makes for a successful sexual relationship – part of what Dan Savage calls GGG or “good, giving and game” means giving your partner a cheerfully helping hand (or mouth, or cleavage, or vibrator) when one or the other of you is in the mood and the other isn’t. You don’t present it as a tiresome obligation akin to scooping the litter-box, you present it as “I care about you and your needs and I want to help you meet them as best I can.”

TL;DR version: Negotiate a way of the two of you meeting your sexual needs, create a sex schedule and keep to it and work on those communication skills.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in my early 20’s and I don’t know what to do. My love/sex life is already so complicated for me. I have no idea what to do and no matter where I go there just seems to be a dead end and I really want it to work.

So, brace yourself…

I “fell in love” (or lust, or something happened) with a friends boyfriend a couple of years ago, I was a virgin back then and had NO experience with in any way at all. After they broke up, I started dating him (I asked her first, she was okay with it). And lost my virginity. Quickly I realized that the relationship wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I didn’t had the guts to really break up with him, so we were on-off for a long time (lots of feelings got hurt and stuff, but that’s another story). During that time I had sex with another guy. Not because I was attracted to him, but because I wanted to see what else was out there. That was a huge mistake. My body said no the entire time, but I did it anyway. Even twice.  

Since then I have had some one-night-stands, that turned into guys that wouldn’t leave me alone, so I just continued to have sex with them. Because I have no idea if I want to have sex with someone or not. If I am interested in someone, I don’t think of having sex with them, I just like the feelings I get when I think of them (and they are always off limits anyway. Teachers, friends boyfriends, people who do not like me that way, and yes, I have at least learned to ask the last ones now and not just assuming it). During the act of sex, my body is fine. But afterwards I hate myself deeply. Every. Single. Time. Even if I am a hundred precent sure before I do it. Sex is not what I thought it would be. I don’t see why people think it is amazing. And I never have. I don’t even know why I had sex with my boyfriend back then. I think I just felt a pressure to do it (not from him, from myself). I never have orgasms or masturbate (which is why I can’t tell guys how to please me. I don’t even know how myself. And I feel nothing when I try to masturbate. I get bored and frustrated).

I know I have a problem with saying no to people. I am really scared of disappointing them. I also know that I have next to no experience, but no idea how to get it, when I always like the wrong people (who I can’t sleep with without losing my best friends or job, assuming that they would be interested in the first place) and can’t sleep the available people (even myself) without hating myself.

I don’t know what I want or how to figure that out, I think I need some though love and some perspective, because clearly something is wrong here. And I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

~ A frustrated femme

DEAR A FRUSTRATED FEMME: The old joke is that the definition of “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You’re doing the same thing over and over again AFF and you’re getting the same results. That’s why the first thing that you’re going to do is stop dating for a while. You’ve got some serious unpacking to do here before dating or hooking up would be a good idea, and you need to do it without constantly reinforcing the narrative that you’re broken. So it’s time to give yourself a break from a cycle that’s making you miserable and take time to recover and heal.

The first and most obvious issue going on here is about your inability to orgasm. Now there could be any number of causes here and — seeing as Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a real doctor — I am not the one to diagnose them. It could be anything from medications you’re taking — when I was on Zoloft, I couldn’t have an orgasm to save my life — to depression to problems with the nerves themselves. The first thing you should do is go to your OBGYN and have yourself checked out; if you’re completely unable to orgasm, there may be a physical cause, and it’s worth ruling that out before moving on.

But sex is a tricky beast. Sometimes it’s not physical, or not strictly physical.

We tend to think about sex as primarily being about our junk, as though our genitalia were a separate beast with it’s own wants and desires, and it’s not. As much as desire and lust may be about what’s going on in between our legs, it’s equally affected by what’s going on between our ears. We tend to focus on the way that the tingly feeling that screams “READY TO BANG” starts and ends in our pants; we don’t pay as much attention to everything else that combines to affect our libido — our moods, how we feel about ourselves or even how our jobs are going — until things suddenly stop working. Ask any guy who’s been incredibly stressed at work; suddenly even Christina Hendricks covered in baby oil and carrying a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle 18 is just going to leave him trying to shoot pool with a rope.  

Women are just as prone to the libido-killing effects of external (or internal) stresses; the worse you feel about yourself, the less likely you are going to feel like getting busy.

And you have decidedly not been feeling good about yourself. 

Your first relationship was a long slow emotionally toxic death-spiral punctuated by a massive guilt-inducing infidelity that you didn’t even get to enjoy. That alone can do a number on a person’s self-esteem. The fact that you’re predominantly attracted to men who are off-limits is pretty telling as well – you’re deliberately setting yourself up for failure by falling for these guys, and the guys you’re choosing to sleep with are almost always guys you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with. Mix that with the way that sex makes you react — curling up in a ball of self-hate — and the way you don’t feel like you have a right to say “no” to people and… well, there comes a point where one wonders if this has become a point of self-harm for you. In many ways, it seems like you’re punishing yourself for being unworthy or undeserving of actual love and affection. But that’s me playing arm-chair psychologist and — again – Dr. NerdLove is decidedly not a real doctor.

This is why I recommend that in addition to talking to a physician, you also talk to a therapist — preferably in conjunction with one another. I think you’ve got emotional issues that need to be sussed out on top of any physical issues you may be having and not only is it killing your sex-life, but it’s burrowing it’s way through your self-esteem and self-worth. If having sex is consistently making you absolutely hate yourself (you don’t mention whether it’s also physically painful for you, which is very relevant), then there’s something going on beyond having sex with dudes who’re lousy lays.

I realize it’s a self-help cliche, but there is truth to the line about how you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. And right now, it sounds like you don’t even like yourself. I think you’re carrying a lot of pain around right now, AFF, even if you aren’t fully aware of it. You need to work through that pain and whatever’s causing it. Take some time away from dating and get some help in letting it go. Doctor’s orders. Love, sex and relationships will all be waiting for you when you’re feeling better.

Good luck. And check back in so we know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  How does one become better at bantering with people in general, but especially women? After having a conversation with women I almost always come up with something fun or clever to say after my conversation with them is over. It is very difficult for me to be fun and flirtatious on the spot. 

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

Mumbles

DEAR MUMBLES: You get better at banter the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: you go south on Park Ave and hang a right on 57th, it’s four blocks down on the left, can’t miss it.

Er… that is, you get better at bantering and flirting by practice. And you practice by talking with people.

You’re experiencing a lot of what’s known as “L’esprit de l’escalier” – literally “staircase wit” – where you’re only able to think of the BEST thing to say long after the opportunity to say it is over. This is because you’re being too hung up on being clever instead of focusing on being in the moment. You’re able to come up with something incredible afterwards because you’re not pressuring yourself to be funny. You’ve only got so much mental bandwidth, and when you’re trying hard to be funny, you’re usually not actually connecting with the other person – which is the whole point of banter. If you’re focused on being funny, you’re going to come off like you’re practicing a bit, not actually having a conversation with somebody. I ran into this a lot in my early days.

This is why I like to recommend that people study improvisation; one of the first things that you learn is not to try to be funny but to react to the scene. Trying to be clever takes you out of the moment. Relaxing and going with the flow lets the real you shine through instead of “Clever You”.

Some people are gifted quipsters. Some are not. I like to flatter myself that I can be funny1 on occasion; one of my best friends is a comedy god who can make people roll on the floor without half trying. Trying to be him would only hinder my ability to connect with people; I’m not being myself, I’m being a bad impression of somebody else.

Now you can work on your banter by studying other funny people. Over on my site, one of the ways I recommend people learn how to banter is by watching old-school screwball comedies like the Marx Brothers films or movies like Bringing Up Baby, The Thin Man or Some Like It Hot; you can get a better feel for the rhythm and pace of some quick banter and let that carry you through. But it really only works if it comes naturally, instead of being forced. So don’t try to force it. Let the conversation flow and let the banter come on its own.

And hey, just because you came up with something after the fact doesn’t mean you can’t use it later. Jot those lines down; sometimes it can help to have some stock ideas that you can adapt to specific situation ready at hand when you start to sputter out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)