DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in my early 20’s and I don’t know what to do. My love/sex life is already so complicated for me. I have no idea what to do and no matter where I go there just seems to be a dead end and I really want it to work.

So, brace yourself…

I “fell in love” (or lust, or something happened) with a friends boyfriend a couple of years ago, I was a virgin back then and had NO experience with in any way at all. After they broke up, I started dating him (I asked her first, she was okay with it). And lost my virginity. Quickly I realized that the relationship wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I didn’t had the guts to really break up with him, so we were on-off for a long time (lots of feelings got hurt and stuff, but that’s another story). During that time I had sex with another guy. Not because I was attracted to him, but because I wanted to see what else was out there. That was a huge mistake. My body said no the entire time, but I did it anyway. Even twice.  

Since then I have had some one-night-stands, that turned into guys that wouldn’t leave me alone, so I just continued to have sex with them. Because I have no idea if I want to have sex with someone or not. If I am interested in someone, I don’t think of having sex with them, I just like the feelings I get when I think of them (and they are always off limits anyway. Teachers, friends boyfriends, people who do not like me that way, and yes, I have at least learned to ask the last ones now and not just assuming it). During the act of sex, my body is fine. But afterwards I hate myself deeply. Every. Single. Time. Even if I am a hundred precent sure before I do it. Sex is not what I thought it would be. I don’t see why people think it is amazing. And I never have. I don’t even know why I had sex with my boyfriend back then. I think I just felt a pressure to do it (not from him, from myself). I never have orgasms or masturbate (which is why I can’t tell guys how to please me. I don’t even know how myself. And I feel nothing when I try to masturbate. I get bored and frustrated).

I know I have a problem with saying no to people. I am really scared of disappointing them. I also know that I have next to no experience, but no idea how to get it, when I always like the wrong people (who I can’t sleep with without losing my best friends or job, assuming that they would be interested in the first place) and can’t sleep the available people (even myself) without hating myself.

I don’t know what I want or how to figure that out, I think I need some though love and some perspective, because clearly something is wrong here. And I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

~ A frustrated femme

DEAR A FRUSTRATED FEMME: The old joke is that the definition of “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You’re doing the same thing over and over again AFF and you’re getting the same results. That’s why the first thing that you’re going to do is stop dating for a while. You’ve got some serious unpacking to do here before dating or hooking up would be a good idea, and you need to do it without constantly reinforcing the narrative that you’re broken. So it’s time to give yourself a break from a cycle that’s making you miserable and take time to recover and heal.

The first and most obvious issue going on here is about your inability to orgasm. Now there could be any number of causes here and — seeing as Dr. NerdLove is emphatically NOT a real doctor — I am not the one to diagnose them. It could be anything from medications you’re taking — when I was on Zoloft, I couldn’t have an orgasm to save my life — to depression to problems with the nerves themselves. The first thing you should do is go to your OBGYN and have yourself checked out; if you’re completely unable to orgasm, there may be a physical cause, and it’s worth ruling that out before moving on.

But sex is a tricky beast. Sometimes it’s not physical, or not strictly physical.

We tend to think about sex as primarily being about our junk, as though our genitalia were a separate beast with it’s own wants and desires, and it’s not. As much as desire and lust may be about what’s going on in between our legs, it’s equally affected by what’s going on between our ears. We tend to focus on the way that the tingly feeling that screams “READY TO BANG” starts and ends in our pants; we don’t pay as much attention to everything else that combines to affect our libido — our moods, how we feel about ourselves or even how our jobs are going — until things suddenly stop working. Ask any guy who’s been incredibly stressed at work; suddenly even Christina Hendricks covered in baby oil and carrying a bottle of Pappy Van Winkle 18 is just going to leave him trying to shoot pool with a rope.  

Women are just as prone to the libido-killing effects of external (or internal) stresses; the worse you feel about yourself, the less likely you are going to feel like getting busy.

And you have decidedly not been feeling good about yourself. 

Your first relationship was a long slow emotionally toxic death-spiral punctuated by a massive guilt-inducing infidelity that you didn’t even get to enjoy. That alone can do a number on a person’s self-esteem. The fact that you’re predominantly attracted to men who are off-limits is pretty telling as well – you’re deliberately setting yourself up for failure by falling for these guys, and the guys you’re choosing to sleep with are almost always guys you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with. Mix that with the way that sex makes you react — curling up in a ball of self-hate — and the way you don’t feel like you have a right to say “no” to people and… well, there comes a point where one wonders if this has become a point of self-harm for you. In many ways, it seems like you’re punishing yourself for being unworthy or undeserving of actual love and affection. But that’s me playing arm-chair psychologist and — again – Dr. NerdLove is decidedly not a real doctor.

This is why I recommend that in addition to talking to a physician, you also talk to a therapist — preferably in conjunction with one another. I think you’ve got emotional issues that need to be sussed out on top of any physical issues you may be having and not only is it killing your sex-life, but it’s burrowing it’s way through your self-esteem and self-worth. If having sex is consistently making you absolutely hate yourself (you don’t mention whether it’s also physically painful for you, which is very relevant), then there’s something going on beyond having sex with dudes who’re lousy lays.

I realize it’s a self-help cliche, but there is truth to the line about how you can’t love others if you don’t love yourself. And right now, it sounds like you don’t even like yourself. I think you’re carrying a lot of pain around right now, AFF, even if you aren’t fully aware of it. You need to work through that pain and whatever’s causing it. Take some time away from dating and get some help in letting it go. Doctor’s orders. Love, sex and relationships will all be waiting for you when you’re feeling better.

Good luck. And check back in so we know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  How does one become better at bantering with people in general, but especially women? After having a conversation with women I almost always come up with something fun or clever to say after my conversation with them is over. It is very difficult for me to be fun and flirtatious on the spot. 

Thanks for your time.

Sincerely,

Mumbles

DEAR MUMBLES: You get better at banter the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: you go south on Park Ave and hang a right on 57th, it’s four blocks down on the left, can’t miss it.

Er… that is, you get better at bantering and flirting by practice. And you practice by talking with people.

You’re experiencing a lot of what’s known as “L’esprit de l’escalier” – literally “staircase wit” – where you’re only able to think of the BEST thing to say long after the opportunity to say it is over. This is because you’re being too hung up on being clever instead of focusing on being in the moment. You’re able to come up with something incredible afterwards because you’re not pressuring yourself to be funny. You’ve only got so much mental bandwidth, and when you’re trying hard to be funny, you’re usually not actually connecting with the other person – which is the whole point of banter. If you’re focused on being funny, you’re going to come off like you’re practicing a bit, not actually having a conversation with somebody. I ran into this a lot in my early days.

This is why I like to recommend that people study improvisation; one of the first things that you learn is not to try to be funny but to react to the scene. Trying to be clever takes you out of the moment. Relaxing and going with the flow lets the real you shine through instead of “Clever You”.

Some people are gifted quipsters. Some are not. I like to flatter myself that I can be funny1 on occasion; one of my best friends is a comedy god who can make people roll on the floor without half trying. Trying to be him would only hinder my ability to connect with people; I’m not being myself, I’m being a bad impression of somebody else.

Now you can work on your banter by studying other funny people. Over on my site, one of the ways I recommend people learn how to banter is by watching old-school screwball comedies like the Marx Brothers films or movies like Bringing Up Baby, The Thin Man or Some Like It Hot; you can get a better feel for the rhythm and pace of some quick banter and let that carry you through. But it really only works if it comes naturally, instead of being forced. So don’t try to force it. Let the conversation flow and let the banter come on its own.

And hey, just because you came up with something after the fact doesn’t mean you can’t use it later. Jot those lines down; sometimes it can help to have some stock ideas that you can adapt to specific situation ready at hand when you start to sputter out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your article on ‘What Do Your Secret Sexual Desires Say About You‘ (https://nrdlv.co/2Lnelni) and was genuinely impressed by the quality of your analyzation and effective translation of the psychology behind it into clear examples. I actually came across your article as I was looking at the rational of whether it was healthy to repress sexual fantasies or to submit to them being ‘part of you’ and accept them and embrace them.

Your article was a superb outline of acceptance of them but I would be interested in a further analysis and answer to the angle of once accepted whether to indulge them or to accept that they are part of you but keep them to yourself. I have a particular situation with my fiancee in regard to the threesome, gangbang and voyeuristic fantasy of watching her with other men. She is open to talking about it and accepts it and we have had a threesome but she is hesitant in letting it become a regular part of our sex life.

I know if I keep pushing it will eventually become part of our sex life but I find myself feeling guilty as its not really what she wants and I feel I am forcing this on her. She only seems to be open to it to keep me happy and whilst that is wonderful in essence, the root of it seems awful to me.

I have thought recently a lot about letting it go and ignoring it but like other fetishes or fantasies this is a huge part of what turns me on and I would love to share it with her, but again, the turn on would be her enjoying it as well.

The notion of her doing to please me doesn’t sit right.

I guess the notion of what i am asking for you opinion on is whether it is healthy or right to forget or deny your desires or to be open with them and experience them fully?

Thank you

Concerned Kinkster

DEAR CONCERNED KINKSTER: One of the keys to a happy relationship is compromise, CK, and that means in the bedroom as well. Sometimes that means doing things for your spouse that you might take or leave (within reason) but makes them happy and so you take your pleasure from their enjoyment. In fact, the way that many people get into kink is by indulging a kinky partner and discovering that they like it too. Other times, however,  it means accepting that the part of the price of being married to this person is that some things are just off the table.

But one of the things that makes compromise possible is the “within reason” clause. Some things are easier for the disinterested partner to take part in – foot worship, blindfolds, dirty talk, sexting, role-play, etc. – because they’re fairly minimal impact and investment. Others – like threesomes, foursomes and moresomes – are a (forgive me) little harder to swallow for someone who’s not really into them in the first place. The fact that your kinks involve her active participation with other people? That’s probably going to be too far for a lot of people. Your wife might be OK (and I mean genuinely ok, not agreeing to it and dreading the day it happens) on a threesome on occasion as a special gift to you.  But trying to push threesomes, gangbangs and cuckolding into being a regular part of your sex life? That’s a really goddamn big ask for somebody who’s not already into group play and pushing her to agree to it is going to go be outright cruel.

So, you’re probably going to have to accept that these things just aren’t going to be part of your sexual repertoire with your wife.

Now that being said, you might be able to find ways of fulfilling some of these kinks together with your wife if the two of you get a little imaginative. Multiple sex toys, having sex with gangbang porn on in the background, dirty talk and fantasizing about what else is going on while the two of you are having sex… those might all be ways of indulging your fantasies in a way that your wife might also be OK with. Just don’t use it as some sort of training wheels/frog-in-boiling-water way of trying to get her to agree to more when she’s already given you a hard no. You may have to just accept that your gangbang fantasies will have to remain between you and a Brazzers subscription.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am a 35 year old single guy who keeps attracting the wrong kind of girls. Don’t get me wrong, they are not bad, just not my kind. They’re usually not into the same things I am or able to keep up a conversation.

I’m 6’2″ and bald and I used to be chubby but since I started working out I have become quite broad. Since then I seem to interest girls that love dominant manly men while I’m just a nerd; I went to university, play chess and love video games. Some girls even compared me with Vin Diesel. For now I’m trying numerous things: starting conversations about university or video games, wearing nerd-shirts, wearing caps, growing a beard… but I can’t seem to find a good strategy yet to keep the wrong women at bay and get liked by the women I like, an intelligent witty girl.

Help?

Nerd In Jock’s Clothing

DEAR NERD IN JOCK’S CLOTHING:

First, we will pause for a moment to acknowledge everyone who’s going to insist that you have no right to complain because you’re being swarmed with female attention and point out the irony.

See, just as with the idea that “women can get a date any time they want”, being deluged with attention isn’t terribly helpful if it’s not attention from people you want attention from. Case in point: you, NIJC.

Secondly: let’s not get too deep into the subdividing; just because somebody’s a geek doesn’t mean that she doesn’t also love a dominant manly man, nor does someone being a cheerleader or a girly-girl preclude them from being geek to the bone. Even if those incompatible women aren’t necessarily Tardis-sock-wearing Whovians, they might be geek-curious… especially if you introduce them to stuff that speaks to them.

Now let’s deal with your specific situation. Despite the fact that geek interests are mainstream and nerds come in every shape, size and gender, there’re still some lingering stereotypes about how nerds look and act. If you look less like a nerd and more like a 6’2 bodybuilder, people are going to be more likely to assume that you’re actually a jock, with all the attendant ideas about your interests and intellect. One of the reasons why I advocate finding your archetype is because it’s a great way of signaling your tribal affiliation as it were. Want to get more people seeing you as a nerd? Wear your geek cred on your sleeves – literally – is part of how you let others know where your interests lie and people will respond accordingly.

Of course, that’s a first step. The second is that, if you want to date a particular “type”, you have to go find them. Hunters don’t just wander around hoping to run into a deer (if you will forgive a problematic metaphor) , they go to places where they know deer gather; feeding spots, watering holes, etc. So if you want to date nerds, you have to go where the nerds are: comic stores, gaming stores, anime clubs, book stores, geek conventions, etc. Join a gaming group – or even organize one. Find geeky MeetUp interest groups. Go to trivia nights, especially ones organized by groups like Geeks Who Drink.

Just be sure that you’re not prowling through those groups like a shark in heavily chummed waters. Picking people up in your social circle can be a loser’s game if you’re just using these groups for finding dates and not, y’know, actually being part of the group.

As for keeping the wrong women “at bay”, there’s not really a way to keep people from approaching that doesn’t turn off everyone. Closed body language and refusal to give indicators of interest like making eye contact are all ways of sending “don’t approach” messages, but if you’re in a group, that can push away people you want to meet too. Unless they’re refusing to leave you alone, being polite but distant generally works for signaling your disinterest. Most women are better socialized to pick up on these sorts of indirect cues and will get the hint. You can also leave just about every interaction with “Well, it was nice meeting you. Bye!” and walking away.

But if you find someone who seems smart but isn’t necessarily into the same things you are already? It might not be a bad idea to see if she’s open to trying geeky things – especially entry-level geek dates like board games. You might awaken nerdy passions within her that she never had.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a tough situation. A couple weeks ago, a close friend of mine, who I’ve known for 6 years, told me she was deeply in love and asked me to be her boyfriend.

I told her I needed time to think about it.

The truth is that I’ve been in love with her for some time, but at the same time I have the goal to stay a virgin until marriage. I want a virgin wife, which means I should be virgin as well; otherwise I would be a nasty hypocrite. How can I overcome jealousy? Do you think is wrong to discard possible partners based on virginity?

Maybe Yes, Maybe No

DEAR MAYBE YES, MAYBE NO: You can choose to date or not date someone for any reason you want, MYMN. There’s no Council of Relationships that judges your criteria for passing someone over and vetoes your choices. You can do it because they have ugly toes or because he won’t wear the hat when you play Actress and the Bishop. So yes, you can discard a potential partner because they’re not a virgin.

I just think that’s a stupid reason to pass up on a relationship.

I mean, there’s the sheer practicality of trying to find someone who’s a) a virgin and b) wants to stay that way until marriage; these days, you’re talking about somewhere between 5% – 15% of the population in total. This shrinks considerably if you keep to a strict definition of virginity (i.e. none of God’s Little Loophole, etc.). But then there’s the question of what means more to you: a relationship with someone you’ve loved for a long time now, or wanting a relationship with a virgin? I mean, I have my opinions on the matter, but ultimately the only person who gets to decide that importance is you.

So I’d suggest that you should do some serious thinking about just why virginity is so important to you. Is it because of religious beliefs? Is it because you have some ingrained (and, honestly, mistaken) ideas about female sexuality? Is it because you’re worried about how someone more experienced than you will judge your performance? Is it just because of sheer jealousy?  Weigh those answers against the fact that you have had feelings for this person for years and now she’s feeling the same way about you. Is giving up the goal of being with a virgin (or your own virginity) an acceptable price for a dream you’ve had for some time?

Only you can decide these things. So think carefully.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve got a neediness problem.

Let me start from the beginning; things are going great! I’ve gotten more confident about myself and less reserved about expressing my interest in women, and that’s led to dates with really cool, attractive people. Although I still at times struggle with my insecurities, I’m laid back enough in public that they don’t stop me from getting attention from people I’m interested in.

The problem starts when sex and intimacy arrive on the scene. Once I’ve seen somebody naked enough times, I can’t help but get invested in them, and once I’m invested in someone, my insecurities kick into high gear. You see, I have a long-standing and deep-seated fear that the people who like me will just suddenly… stop liking me. So things that were innocuous before I started to get invested, like cancelling dates or going radio silent for short periods, start to feel really concerning. I start to wonder “is this person losing interest in me?” and it makes me really, really anxious.

I’m a huge believer in the power of communication, so I try to channel that discomfort into honest conversation in the format of “It’s not your fault but I’m feeling a little insecure because of X, is everything alright with us?” The problem is that my rather transparent need to be validated turns the perceived problems into actual problems, and often directly causes people to lose interest in me. They get the sense that “oh, this guy is way more invested in this than I am” and all of a sudden that girl I was so excited about is telling me she’s “too busy to see me”.

My question is, how do I deal with these insecurities or channel them in ways that don’t damage my relationships? Because at this point the feelings themselves have become a source of dread; I worry that when I start to falter I’ll say something needy-sounding and bugger things up, and thinking thoughts like that makes me even more insecure.

Thanks,

Trying To Play It Cool

DEAR TRYING TO PLAY IT COOL: The thing about neediness is that it’s all about your self-worth. One of the causes of neediness is that you don’t value your own opinion and put too much stock into somebody else’s. How they act, how they behave, how they treat you becomes a critical part of your self-identity because you see them as being the alpha and omega of your own worth. If they ghost you, it’s a referendum on all your failures and flaws as a human being.

But the only reason they have this power is because you’ve given it to them. And in your case, TTPIC, that’s exactly what you’re doing.

Most of the time I will tell people that you can’t logic your way out of a problem. But in this case… you kinda can. Here’s the thing, TTPIC: the only thing that has changed between when you were confident and able to overlook minor issues is the context. Before, this person was a stranger; if they suddenly quit calling or texting you back, then it didn’t matter. You knew there were more people out there. Since you weren’t tying your self-worth into their behavior, you’re able to be more rational and realize that some people are kinda flakey or sometimes they may not be as quick to return a text as you might like. You can honestly tell yourself “well, they’re probably busy” or “enh, we’ll get together later” because their presence isn’t your end-all, be-all.

But as soon as sex enters the equation… well now it’s about you and your self-esteem. Attracting them isn’t the validating part for you; it’s the actual sex. And if you’ve sunk that much into “well they like me enough to want to see me naked”, then any hints that they might not want to see you naked any more is potentially devastating. Hence, the over-investing. Hence, the panic. Hence, pushing too hard for validation.

You need to get better at finding your internal validation, so that you’re not relying on other people’s interest to define your worth. The fact that you’re sleeping with someone doesn’t make you a better or more worthy person; it just means that you’re someone they wanted to have sex with. That’s ultimately neutral; women aren’t Mjolnir. They don’t have “Whomsoever should part these thighs, should they be worthy, will be granted the power of SCORE” embroidered on their underwear. By gifting someone you are only just starting to know with such monumental importance, you’re going to freak them out. When you’re asking someone “is everything alright with us” when there’s barely an “us”, you’re telling them that you’ve leapt a little too far ahead.

So here’s what you need to do: you need to slow your roll and learn to not be quite so giving with your power. It’s good to let your partner validate you, but first they need to actually be your partner. When your jerkbrain starts kicking into high gear like that, take a step back. Ask yourself “ok, if I wasn’t sleeping with this person, what would I think?” Remind yourself of how you would think if this were someone else and not your hopeful snugglebunny. Alternately, treat it as though you were giving advice to someone else. What would you tell your best friend if they came to you with this exact scenario.

And then let yourself believe it. Look at their behavior before you got this invested and afterwards. Is it any different? Then there’s nothing to worry about and you can relax because their reasons are likely the same as they were before you started sleeping together.

I get that fear, TTPIC. But it’s irrational and it’s self-fulfilling if you push at it. The best thing you can do is continue being the same confident person you were at the beginning and realize that the problem isn’t that they’re suddenly not liking you any more, it’s that you’re rounding things up to “relationship” a little too quickly. Slow things down, let them take their natural course and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  have two problems that I suspect are related. The first is fairly mundane: I get friendzoned a lot. I’m not talking about the kind of friendzone where you pretend to be friends with someone because you’re too chicken to make a move. I’m talking about the kind of friendzone where after a date or two they decide they just want to be friends with you. Now I know most of the time it’s a blow off, but in my personal experience a significant fraction of the time they actually do want to be friends, and in fact several of the closest friends in my life currently are women who’ve friendzoned me. This is extremely frustrating for me, not in the least because it’s always a little surprising. I rarely go on bad dates. In fact, on the date itself, I usually have a good time, and I feel like she’s having a good time too, and I go home feeling like it was a successful date, only to have her say when I ask her out on a second or third date that she just wants to be friends. I don’t think I’ve ever gone on a third date in my life, and I’m 35.

The second problem, which I only recently became aware of, is that apparently everyone (erroneously) thinks I’m gay when they first meet me. I had noticed before that people thought I was gay from time to time, which I didn’t think much of, but recently when a date was friendzoning me, she mentioned that she thought I was gay before I asked her out. I was debriefing on this with a friend (a friendship that came out of a friendzoning incidentally) and she laughed and said she had the same reaction when I asked her out too. I polled my friends, and all of them–to a person–said that they assumed I was gay at first. A handful even said that their other friends had made the same mistake and asked them for confirmation. To be clear, I don’t mind this for any homophobic reason. I don’t really care if men or lesbians think I’m gay, but it’s really inconvenient that basically every straight woman I meet thinks I am. For one, it makes it difficult to read and send signals. If a woman I’m trying to flirt with thinks I’m gay, anything but the most overt come on is going to go over her head. Conversely, a woman who’s vibing with a gay man she just met looks very similar to a woman interested in a straight man in terms of things like her receptiveness to physical contact, the strength of his hold on her attention, willingness to share contact information, etc.

I can’t help but think my first and second problems are related. Not to say that the reason I’m constantly friendzoned is that women think I’m gay, exactly. After all, most of them would be tipped off when I asked them out, and the ones I meet on dating apps probably assume I’m straight from the jump. What concerns me is the likelihood that the same vibe I give off that pings people’s gaydar is also a turn off to women I go on dates with–that somehow I’m performing masculinity wrong in some way that renders me unf

kable. I might be amenable to making changes, but I’m not clear where this vibe is coming from. I fit very few of the gay stereotypes. I’m not especially nattily dressed. I’m not into musical theater or fashion. I don’t have a lisp or anything. I don’t know what I could do that wouldn’t read as “closeted gay man trying to overcompensate” or “straight man deeply insecure about his masculinity”. Any advice you could offer in this matter would be welcome.

Sincerely, 

Your Gaydar Sucks

DEAR YOUR GAYDAR SUCKS: Without seeing you in action, YGS, I can’t tell you much about what’s going on. It would be better for you to ask your friends just what it was that you do that makes them think you’re gay at first. It may be that something in the way you behave strikes people as being a bit campy or femme presenting. This isn’t terribly unusual or uncommon; there’s even a TVTrope about this called “Camp Straight”. It may also be that the way you behave seems flirtier with men than with women. Like I said: I’m not there, so I can’t tell you. It may well end up being something that you don’t want to try to fight; the things that throw up a false ping may well be things you like about yourself; in that case, it’s better to just be comfortable with it than to try to be more performatively butch.

I do, however, notice, that you say it’s straight women who seem to be thinking you’re gay. I’m assuming you’d mention if there were some gay men who thought you were gay too. That suggests to me that it may be the way you behave with people that’s causing them to question things. I actually had issues with that, back in my time. In my early days in the PUA scene, I had a number of women I approached tell me that they thought I was gay at first. This almost always came down to two issues: I would come in to the interaction super high energy, and I was friendlier than I was flirty. So a high-energy guy, who’s not giving off any “I want you” vibe but wants to talk and says things to make people laugh? It came off a bit more like a campy stereotype. Once I toned down the excitement to “good mood” instead of “excitable golden retriever puppy on sugar” and was willing to flirt and demonstrate interest, the confusion disappeared.

Now with all that being said: it’s entirely possible, even likely, that the issues you’re having with first dates (but no second ones) has less to do with whether people think you’re gay or not and more to do with the date itself. The likelier issue is that women think you’re not into them… or that they’re just not into you. If you’re being a little too “respectful” or non-sexual on your first dates, that can also give people the wrong message. They’ll assume that either you’re not interested, or that there’s just no physical spark to go with the emotional one and decide that they aren’t interested. So put some effort into developing that physical chemistry too, even if it’s in a low-key way.

But like I said: start with polling your friends and see what it was that baffled their gaydar. Then decide if those are things you want to try to change or if you would rather work around them instead.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)