DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your article from a while back titled Cutoff Culture And the Myth of Closure (nrdlv.co/2zycfwy), and you said in it that people don’t have the right to expect you to talk to them after a breakup under any circumstance. You also said that and that no one is obligated to give closure to another person. I can sympathize with that opinion, but I wonder if it in your opinion also extends to people having the right to end friendships with no need to explain themselves? See, I’ve been seeing this girl for like 6 years. Nothing too serious, we would go out like every 2 months or so (both lazy and not too eager to call first), but then suddenly she said she started seeing someone else, but had been hesitant to tell me. I never minded her seeing other people (which she claims she didn’t do throughout our time going out) – all that mattered to me was that she’d still be available to me. Alas, she said she no longer wanted to do stuff with me. Of course she threw in the classic line about wanting to still be friends and meet up and spend time platonically.

After careful consideration I decided I didn’t want that – I’ve gotten so used to hanging out with her for not just friendly talks but also hanky-panky, that I found such a downgrade unbearable. I texted her some time afterward and she said she wasn’t seeing anyone at the moment, but that she still didn’t want to get back to doing stuff with me. She gave me several reasons, like us not seeing each other often enough (never spoke up about it earlier, I swear!), and me seeing other girls – to which she only made her dismay apparent very shortly before the “breakup”.

Of course I’m not like all those “nice guys” who feel entitled to something. She had every right to not want to do anything with me anymore. But it hurt me, it hurt me bad. I only then realized I had grown really attached to that girl. We both claimed not to want a relationship (which perplexes me all the more considering her sudden desire for exclusivity, while at the same time it not being a relationship, lol), but seeing each other for so long was bound to make at least one of us emotionally attached. Anyway, what I decided to do is to not accept her continuing friendship, but to cut off altogether. As I mentioned earlier, I find this sort of downgrade unbearably degrading, because I don’t really see any value in the relationship, unless it maintains its sexual component. Call it Friend Zone anxiety or whatever – I know many guys do reluctantly keep such friendship and torment themselves, but I just thought it would be better for me (was tempted to say “both of us” for a minute there, but I’m not that noble) to just distance myself from her and forget about her.

The thing is, this reaction was most strongly fueled by pride and dignity (rooted in insecurity, perhaps?). I realize that this rationalization of mine is probably quite misplaced, since the chick had been into me and does consider me attractive. Still, for some reason this fact doesn’t make me feel any less humiliated, and I still feel as if she wanted to Friend Zone me. I know, I know, women don’t Friend Zone men, men do it to themselves for not having the balls to just go away – which I’m trying to do. But some people would also perhaps say that through my own aloofness I’m jeopardizing a valuable friendship. Well the problem is that I don’t do male-female friendship strictly out of the conviction that if a woman sees you as a friend, you’re not good enough to be a lover. And yeah, it’s humiliating too.

So yeah, of course I’m not entitled to sex or even interest from any women, but I believe it’s therefore only fair to say that they are not entitled to my friendship, emotional support etc. I do have the right to refuse to continue a relationship that I feel drains and hurts me. Call it selfish, call it childish, but I just can’t get over the fact that I’m no longer sexually fit for a woman who used to think I was just fine not too long ago.

I just very recently had a similar experience with a long-term “friendship” that started with texting on Badoo, then we met, hugged and kissed and slept in one bed (for some reason I opted not to initiate intercourse, but not sure to what degree it’s a problem in this case), and then I thought that would be the status quo – to my disappointment it turns out that after her recent breakup she doesn’t wanna do stuff with me anymore. We live in different cities so we haven’t seen each other since that last visit, and it’s been almost 2 years. She said she’s not looking for anyone at the moment, that she’s growing jaded and has been through too much. I’m not even sure whether to believe her or she’s just sayin that stuff to not have to tell me she’s not attracted to me anymore (if she ever was). But it disappoints me a lot. She also gave me those classic, humiliating lines like “i really value our friendship, you’re a great human being but I guess that’s it” – and that was my cue to leave.

So tell me – is it wrong for me to have maintained a long distance relationship working entirely on the assumption that I’d be able to sleep with that chick in the future, which I totally wouldn’t have done hadn’t I thought she’d let me? I also like her as a person, but obviously I’m cutting off too, which I do feel bad about. But I don’t want a strictly platonic relationship with that girl, I couldn’t bear it. Is what I’m doing within the limits of acceptable behavior here? Or is this the behavior of a damaged person?

I don’t want a platonic relationship with any woman for that matter (except lesbians), as all I’d ever think about when I’m with them is “I wasn’t good enough to be this woman’s lover”. It would bother me even if I wasn’t really attracted to that girl in the first place, it’s more of a pride thing. I just take it as a personal affront if a girl doesn’t find me attractive. I try to handle it with class, never lashing out or saying mean things etc, just saying that in this case there’s nothing more for me here, and leaving. But it’s the principle that I’m more concerned about. Is this sort of pride normal, or is it some artifact of a deep insecurity? Please help!!

Thanks in advance! 

Pride Only Hurts, Never Helps

DEAR PRIDE ONLY HURTS, NEVER HELPS: First of all PJHNH, I think you kind of missed the point of my column on so-called “cutoff culture”. It’s not about “you don’t have the right to expect anyone to talk to you ever again after a break up”, it’s about the demands that many people put on the person who’s breaking up with them. In that case, the aforementioned author was demanding that his ex – someone who, ended their relationship – do more emotional work for him. He was insisting that he had a right to her time and attention because she didn’t break up with him the right way and owed him closure.

Which, frankly, is bulls

t. Much like people who demand closure or explanations from their exes. While I don’t doubt that there are many people who legitimately think they want an explanation (and no, they wouldn’t be happy if they knew), most people use that demand as a way to try to relitigate the relationship and the break up. It becomes a way to keep the break up from being final and keeping their ex in their lives.

So no: you don’t get to set terms on a break up and the person dumping you owes you neither explanation nor closure. It’s nice if they care to give an explanation, but they’re not required to do so, nor do they have obligations to you after the end of the relationship outside of logistical ones like returning property.

But I think that misreading leading into the issue you’re having here. You’ve functionally set yourself up for failure with a lot of your future relationships.

In a lot of letters there comes a sentence that you can literally point to and say “Well there’s your problem”. And hey wouldn’t you know it, there’s this line right here:

“I don’t really see any value in the relationship, unless it maintains its sexual component. ” 

Well, there’s your problem, PJHNH. Your attitude, frankly f

king sucks. You’re treating friendship as a step down from a sexual or romantic relationship with someone. Not only is that not true, but most women who are legitimately offering you friendship are going to be insulted by the idea. That’s a great way to close a lot of doors in your life.

Take, for example, your FWB of six years. When she ultimately decided that she wanted to commit to another guy, you made it clear that her relationship with you was contingent on your being able to sleep with her. In that moment you told her that while you may have enjoyed spending time with her platonically, her primary value to you was as someone you could stick your dick in. That’s going to hurt. A lot. Small wonder that, once she was single again, she didn’t want to fool around with you.

And no, there really wasn’t any contradiction there. She may not have wanted exclusivity with you. Alternately, she may have wanted it but felt like she couldn’t ask for it… and when she found someone who was open for it, she decided to go for them instead. And once your belief clear that male-female friendships are only worth it if sex is an option… well, that’s not really going to charm women into dropping their panties for you, bro. You say you don’t believe that you’re entitled to sex, but goddamn, “I just take it as a personal affront if a girl doesn’t find me attractive” sure as s

t says otherwise.

She didn’t Friend Zone you, my dude. Congratulations: you Friend Zoned yourself.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying you have to be friends with people, or that you have to be friends with someone who gives you the LJBF speech. Not all of those offers are legit; some really are for politeness’ sake. If you feel that, emotionally,  you couldn’t handle being friends with someone you’re attracted to, that’s just fine. A lot of people feel that way, and their feeling are completely legitimate.

Similarly, if you feel like it’s just not worth having any sort of a relationship with women if you can’t bang them, that’s legitimate. That’s your belief and you’re welcome to have it.

It’s a STUPID belief, but you do you.

But you’re also going to have to accept that the idea that a strictly platonic friendship is saying “you’re not good enough” is going to cut you off from a lot of relationships – platonic and otherwise. Because here’s the thing dude. Sex isn’t the Super Saiyan form of friendship. The two are entirely separate.

A woman wanting to be friends doesn’t mean that you’re not good enough to screw. Hell, there are plenty of women out there who’ll sleep with a guy but not want to be friends with him. Being friends with someone – real friends, not just acquaintances – means a level of trust and intimacy that other people don’t get. It means that they feel that you’re someone valuable, someone they want in their life. A good friend is rare. Dick, however, is abundant and of low value. And whether that particular woman is interested in you or not, other women will recognize the attitude you’re giving off too. And that’s going to shut down more potential sexual encounters than opening the conversation with “Nice drapes, do they match the carpet, or is it original hardwood?”

If you want to start having relationships that don’t go down in flames, you’re going to have to start recognizing that this prideful idea that a friend is someone who’s not good enough to f

k is bulls

t. The fact that a woman isn’t interested in your dick lower her value, nor does it devalue you. The attitude you cop about it, however, sure as s

t does.

The next time a woman offers you her friendship – without access to her body – and you feel that sting, then you need to realize: that’s just your pride f

king with you. You can either go with your pride, or you can take a chance and interact with that woman like she’s a person.

And like you suggest: that kind of pride never helps. It just hurts.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a position where at some point soon, I’m going have to move far away due to work. As a result, I can’t really be in a relationship. However, I still want to have sex, so I’m looking for friends with benefits arrangements. I have explicitly stated in my OKC and Tinder profiles that that’s what I want, but I have no idea how to do more than that. How would I even bring up the idea without being seen as creepy?

No Strings On Me

DEAR NO STRINGS ON ME: There are two key components to finding a friends-with-benefits relationship, NSOM. The first is, ultimately, a marketing issue: finding people who might be interested and getting your message out to them in an appealing manner.

Trying to achieve this can be tricky. It may seem like a no-brainer to say “hey, I’m only looking for FWBs” on OKCupid and Tinder… and then you spend time watching the tumbleweeds blow through your empty inbox, wondering just what’s wrong. When you’re out looking for a simple, casual relationship, it can feel like you could count the number of potential partners on the fingers of one foot. This often goes hand in hand with the maxim of “women don’t like casual sex”, often reinforced by bros doing “social experiments” on YouTube to prove the point.

The truth is that there are a lot of people out there who’re looking for casual sex or no-strings attached relationships, NSOM, both men and women. Unfortunately, there are also a lot of asshats who’ve all but guaranteed that women are going to never respond to guys who are looking for one. Women on dating sites will be deluged with offers of sex, regardless of what they say they’re looking for in their profiles; women who indicate that they’re looking for a casual or NSA relationship will be hit with a veritable tsunami of free-floating wiener. Whether you’re standing around with a megaphone announcing “My body is available, please form a queue!” or approaching women – in person or online – with an offer of NSA sex, then you’re just one more voice in the chorus of the damned.

So while you’re being clear and upfront – and presumably respectful – in your profile by announcing what it is you’re looking for, the problem is that far too many dudes have poisoned that particular well and even women who might be interested are likely to pass you by, just because they’ve been burned too many times before.

This ties ties into the second component: you need to demonstrate that sex with you will be worth that person’s time. As writer Alana Massey famously said: “C

k is abundant and of low value”; there is no lack of dudes offering to be a woman’s Studly Goodnight at a moment’s notice. The problem is that pretty much all of them suck in bed, and most of them will call her a slut and a whore afterwards. There are multitudes of women out there who would appreciate a casual relationship with a guy – easy companionship, occasional sloppy make-outs and no real expectations of future plans – but the risks involved just aren’t worth the lousy sex that would result.

So your approach has to be two-fold. First: fine tune your profiles. Were I you, I’d leave explicit mentions about FWBs out. You can send the message of what it is you are looking for without hitting that particular NOPE button. To start with, you should pick the “short term dating” option on OKCupid; not only is that literally true in your case – you’re moving at some point, so you aren’t up for anything long-term – but most people will (correctly) assume you’re talking about a more casual, less committed relationship.

Think of the story your dating profile tells – are you telling the story of a man looking for that special someone to settle down with and find that house in the suburbs with the white picket fence? Or are you someone who’s on the move, who isn’t putting down roots and wants to find someone who’s on the same page? The way you fill out your profile questions contributes to this; are you painting a picture of someone who’s potentially husband material or as someone whose lifestyle is fun but more high-speed, low drag?  Are your pictures lining up with those goals? Are they showing a guy who’s out having adventures? Or are they cozy and domestic – showing you playing with your cute niece or nephew, cooking in the kitchen, hanging out with your sweet Grandma?

The same goes with your Tinder profile. Are you talking about yourself and the kind of person you’re looking to meet, or do you have something short, funny and pithy? The former tends to imply relationship, the latter is slightly more indicative of someone not looking for Mrs. Right. “I have strong opinions about breakfast tacos” or “Living for pinball and margaritas,” often work far better than “I’m not looking for anything serious”, which has come to mean “I never want to actually define what that means as long as it keeps you coming around.”

Crafting your profile this way will not only help you find people who’re more likely to be on the same page as you, but will also mean that your likely to actually go on dates; you won’t be giving off the Douchebag Alert that drives women away before they have a chance to get to know you.

And going on dates is going to be important, because this will be how you build the connection with your potential FWBs. First, you’ll be doing your dating due diligence – testing for chemistry and interest – after all, the last thing you want is to be meeting women who just don’t rev your motor. You’ll also be in a position to build the sexual tension and chemistry that will tell women that yes, you would be fun in the sack. But most importantly, you’ll be able to show that while you’re a great potential lay, you’re also a gentleman. One of the most important – and sadly neglected – aspects of trying to find a casual relationship is creating a sense of safety and respect.

One of the biggest reasons why guys have a hard time finding casual sex is that they tend to focus on the short term, immediate goal: get her into bed as soon as humanly possible. They want to bang that night, if not sooner. As a result, they often push too hard, too quickly and ultimately snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. A woman who might have said “yes” on the second or third date will almost certainly say “no” to a guy who can’t be patient. That impatience is frequently a sign that he’s more concerned with getting laid than he is about her comfort or sense of security. The best and most successful lovers out there are the ones who create a space where women feel safe and empowered to say yes, rather than badgering her to give in.

It’s on these dates, incidentally, that you have the chance to lay out what it is that you have to offer. You can make it clear that you’re going to have to move in the not-too-distant future and so any relationship with you will come with an expiration date. This knowledge will help filter out matches who are going to be looking for something longer-term. Just as importantly, it sets expectations accordingly: you may be a good friend and a great time, but you’re not boyfriend material. For many women, this is ideal; it’s some short term fun without the expectation of demands on her time or independence. Just be sure that the dates you go on are the fun, exciting type, not the “isn’t it romantic?” type; it’s easy to end up sending mixed signals if you’re essentially dating on automatic.

But you can’t just rely on subtext; you are going to have to have a Defining The Relationship talk with any potential partners. After all, a casual relationship is a relationship. So too is a FWB relationship. You want to make sure that both of you are on the same page and that you both have the same expectations and definitions as one another.

And don’t forget: just because you’re moving doesn’t mean that you can’t have a relationship with long-term potential. If a long-distance relationship isn’t your bag, then hey, that’s cool too… just don’t artificially limit yourself because you assume that anything you start now can’t last beyond moving day.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started a new job. When I was going through the intake process, I hit it off with the person who explained everything to me. We have similar interests and she seems to enjoy my sense of humor. Since then we’ve become very fast friends. We have in depth conversations about who we are as people, and just seeing how we’re alike and different. Not surprisingly, I soon caught feelings.

As we’ve been talking, she mentioned she recently ended a bad relationship. Because of that, she’s working on herself and thinking about what she wants in a partner. I am fine with only being friends, she’s just that great to be around, without trying to backdoor that into something more. 

So I don’t have a particular overabundance of experience, but I do know that making a big showy confession about how I feel is exactly the wrong thing to do.

The options I see are:

a) Tell her how I feel, let her know any response is fine, and that there is no pressure to change what she’s doing for me.

b) Not tell her and stay friends. Then start looking at other people for potential partners.

I appreciate any advice you might be able to offer.

Secret Crush

DEAR SECRET CRUSH: I’m generally opposed to the idea of  “tell X person you have a crush on them” because, frankly, it’s kind of passive.

“Hey, I’ve got a crush on you.” OK… and? What do you expect them to do, now that they have this knowledge? The feelings-confession, no matter how sincere or heartfelt, tends to put the onus on the other person to take the next step, which is a bit of a dick move. This is why I generally advise people to skip the confession step and move directly to ASK THEM OUT ON A DATE ALREADY. The “I’m interested in you,” tends to be implied when you’re asking somebody out on a clear and unambiguous date. It’s baked into the whole process; one rarely goes out on dates with people they’re not interested in.

Now in terms of your specific situation, I think the best move in this case is to be friends and date around. If she’s telling you that she’s just out of a recent relationship and “working on herself”, then she’s giving you the wave-off. Either she can tell you’ve got a crush on her, or she’s pre-emptively letting you know that she’s just not down with dating you, just in case. Regardless: it’s a pretty clear sign that she’s not feeling it and your time and emotional energy will be spent pursuing people who are available.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a huge fan of your work and I feel like you’ve really helped me advance as far as dating goes. Using your advice I started online dating (using OkCupid) a few years ago and I found out that there are women out there that find me desirable, which I found to be amazing because I’m not conventionally attractive in the slightest (I’m 5’7, Babyfaced, and slightly chubby). I’ve gotten a lot of likes, had messages responded to, had several first dates, and last year even had a girl ask to kiss me. Sadly that same girl rejected me after three dates because she suddenly lost interest (she said it was because she loses interest in relationships really quickly and that that was why she hadn’t had relationships before, I don’t really believe that and think she was just letting me down easy but, whatever).

The problem is it seems like the online dating environment is evolving in such a way that greatly disadvantages guys like me. Apps like Tinder have long since overtaken OkCupid in popularity and to be successful on that app you absolutely have to be strongly conventionally attractive or you won’t get anyone to swipe right. You don’t get to make the first move and your profile is basically meaningless which unfortunately means I can’t make up for my appearance with a thoughtful first message or a well-written profile. And of course OkCupid is changing itself to be more like Tinder: your messages are basically invisible unless you both like each other, you can’t see who’s visited your profile, and you can only see who likes you if you buy a subscription. I’m terribly afraid that people like me or going to be forced out of online dating and that I’ll lose the only way I have to find a relationship. Of course, the obvious solution would be to try and get dates in real life, but there a couple of problems with that. For one, trying to hit up strangers just sounds wrong, I can’t think of anything that would scream “I’m a Creep and Probably a Rapist” more than trawling through town hitting up random women who look single. And the second issue is… well…

I don’t have any friends. There, I said it. It’s not like I’m not socially functional, I have a ton of acquaintances, usually from places I’ve worked, who I’ve joked with, helped out, and had long conversations with. Hell, there are coworkers who’ve basically told me their life story in the time I’ve known them. I’ve also taken steps to make friends in the past: I’ve gone to Meetups, started two Meetup groups of my own, even scheduled a hang out with a coworker once. But all of these fell through due schedule conflicts, groups dying out, and personal conflicts (the coworker I hung out with has recently broken up with his long-time girlfriend and isn’t currently in the mood to hang out).

But honestly, I don’t really feel the need or desire for friends anymore. Most of my hobbies are solo pursuits: playing single player video games, reading, relaxed hiking, and biking, watching anime and youtube videos, collecting albums from obscure and forgotten bands, etc. I play guitar sometimes but I’m nowhere good enough to play in a band (if I could even find anybody in town with similar musical tastes). I have a good relationship with my family who I currently live with (I’m not a loser, I have a fulltime job and I’m getting my Masters in Library Science; I’m just staying to save money till I graduate) and thanks to my psychiatrist I have meds to deal with my anxiety issues. Besides, having someone to occasionally hang out with if I’m not too busy, I want physical affection (no, not just sex, but hugging, kissing, cuddling, etc.) and someone who sees me as something special, someone who finds me to be an attractive person instead someone cool enough to watch youtube videos with for a couple hours.

But of course, the only way for me to date if online dating stops being an option would be to meet people through friends. I don’t think it a good idea to make “friends” just so I could meet women, that would be unfair to my “friends” and probably wouldn’t work anyway. Besides, making friends takes a long time, several years probably, and as someone who’s almost 26 and never had a girlfriend, I’m not sure I want to wait till I’m deep in my 30s before I can even attempt to date, especially since my chances will have dropped dramatically by then. So I guess my question is, what should I do? Can I adapt to new online dating environment? Do I just need to suck it up and ask strangers out in real life? Do I have to spend the next several years making friends and hope I eventually meet a girl?

Thank you,

Loner Boy

DEAR LONER BOY: Here’s the thing, LB: your biggest problem seems to be that you don’t want to actually put in the effort. I’m not gonna lie, you’re coming off with an attitude of “we’ve tried nothing and now we’re all out of ideas.”

Let’s start with online dating. You’re frustrated. I get it. Online dating can frequently be frustrating because, honestly, a lot of dating sites are set up in ways that make it hard for folks to actually connect. A lot of the recent trends in dating apps and sites have been attempts to mitigate that frustration and make it a more enjoyable – or at least teeth-grindingly annoying – experience. So while I think OKCupid’s recent changes aren’t great, the double opt-in system does help cut down on a lot of bulls

t by trying to get the signal-to-noise ratio under control. And you aren’t wrong in that Tinder is more visually oriented… but that doesn’t mean that you’re just SOL. To start with, you can start by taking better photos. Getting more comfortable with the camera, knowing how to find your angles and how to show yourself off to your best effect all go a long way towards transforming your photos from “nice” to “niiiiiiice”.

But at the same time, you don’t need to be on Tinder. Different dating apps have different cultures and different approaches to how to connect people. Bumble, for example, focuses on having women take the initiative and make the first move. Hinge, on the other hand, focuses on messaging and lets users like and comment on things from people’s profiles in order to get the conversation started.

Or… you could do what most people do and meet potential dates out in your day to day life. Because, straight talk my dude: even in 2018, most people don’t meet their partners on dating apps. Most people tend to meet their partners either through activities… or through friends. Y’know. The thing you just said you don’t want to do.

But part of your problem is that you’re treating finding dates as the end-goal of making friends, as opposed to a pleasant side effect of having a robust social life. It’s not that you’re going around just trying to make connections so that you can go hit on every woman they know – that is a great way to fire up the Creeper Signal – it’s that you’re meeting people who you enjoy spending time with, who give you a strong emotional support system and and who enrich your life. And let’s be real here: not having many – or any – friends hurts you on multiple levels. There’s an honest-to-God loneliness epidemic going on right now and it’s literally killing people. Having few or no friends is worse for your health than smoking.

And to be honest: your hobbies are solo by default, not by definition. There’s nothing that says you can’t go riding bikes or relaxed hikes with others; hell, you can probably find a dozen Meetups specifically about going on leisurely strolls or bike rides. Plenty of folks like going hunting for records or hanging out and watching anime. These are all things you could do with friends, should you so choose.

You also have a weird vision of how the whole “friendship” process works. The idea that you need to know somebody for years before you’re friends – and before they may introduce you to other friends of theirs – is another one of those times where I’m left wondering where you got that idea because it sure as hell isn’t in practice. Yes, friendships develop over time and it takes time to go from “acquaintance” to “friend”… but the idea that this is a multi-year process that must be completed before any other friendship benefits can be accrued makes me suspect that you’ve taken a lot of the wrong conclusions from think-pieces about friendship.

To be fair, making friends does get harder once you’re out of college. But “harder” isn’t the same thing as impossible. It just means that, like most things in life, you’re going to have to go out and make an effort. You’re going to have to find folks who you’d want to hang out with, make an effort to get to know them, connect with them and foster and maintain that burgeoning friendship. That’s gonna take time and effort.

Rather like dating, actually.

Now hey, maybe you’re being real with me when you say that you don’t really want or need friends. Maybe you’re actually cool rolling solo, rather than just being resigned to it or feeling like you’ve given up. If that’s the case then hey, awesome. You do you. But then you’re back to square one: where are you going to find someone to date? Because honestly, my dude, you’re not going to find a girlfriend without putting in the effort. If you don’t want to use online dating sites, then that’s your call. Lots of folks don’t like ’em and that’s totally legitimate. But if that’s the case, then you are going to have to be proactive about meeting people. That may mean making cold approaches at bars or clubs. It may mean meeting people via activities you enjoy. Or it may mean friends introducing you to someone that they think you’d hit it off with.

But whether you choose any one approach or a mixture of them, you’re going to have to get proactive about it. Because women aren’t going to just drop into your lap out of the clear blue sky and the love of your life isn’t going to randomly slam into you while she’s running late to class, no matter what anime has taught you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was hoping that you could help me with some toxic emotions I’m feeling.

One of my friends recently started dating a friend. We had had some casual hook ups before but had decided to pull back from hooking up to just close friends. She starts dating another guy and I get these really toxic emotions of jealousy and feeling betrayed. I feel like I’ve been replaced as a friend (she doesn’t talk to me as much or as intimately as before) and after I’ve hung out as a group with them, I get some negative emotions after seeing them interact. I know these emotions aren’t right and I’m happy for her to be happy and with someone that makes her happy; is there any you have to help me sort out those negative emotions?

Third Wheel

DEAR THIRD WHEEL: The easiest way to work through jealousy is to figure out just what it is that’s bothering you. A lot of jealousy is based on fear, and the fear of loss in particular. In this case, I suspect that the underlying fear is that you’re being pushed out. Your friend’s dating someone new and now your friendship doesn’t feel as close as it used to. This relationship, which was incredibly important to you, seems to have been put on the backburner while she’s off with this new guy. Now you’re wondering: was any of this real? Were you really friends, or were you her emotional crutch, someone who was just there to provide intimacy and companionship until the “real” thing came around?

It’s an entirely understandable feeling. But at the same time… it’s not an entirely logical one. It’s easy to jump to conclusions when feelings are involved, but it’s worth taking a moment to stop and think about things. Your friend just started dating someone new. This means that she’s in the middle of the honeymoon period with her new beau. Right now her brain’s getting flooded with oxytocin and dopamine that’s all going straight to the pleasure centers of her brain. She is, quite literally, getting high from his presence, just like we all do during those initial giddy months with someone new. It’s not surprising that she’s letting her other relationships slide a little; this tends to happen when folks get twitterpated over a new relationship.

But that doesn’t automatically mean that she’s deprioritizing you or isn’t as close with you. It just means that, like everyone in the throes of a new partner, she’s caught in her own little world and it’s rapidly running out of oxygen. So for right now, if you want to keep this friendship going, then you need to make the effort and reach out. Try to make a point of getting together to hang out. Hit her up and say “Hey, it feels like we haven’t hung out in forever, we should go do $THING and catch up.” Not only does this remind her that she’s been neglecting her friends – just a little – but it also sets the tone: you want to reconnect and maintain that closeness you’d had before. With luck, the two of you can schedule some hang time and rekindle some of the closeness and intimacy you had.

I suspect that once you don’t feel like your friend is being taken away from you, you won’t be feeling as possessive, angry or jealous when you see her and the new guy together. He won’t be a threat to your friendship; he’ll be the guy who’s making your friend happy.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)