DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’ve been a long time reader, and over the years have used a good number of your suggestions for improving myself, and so wanted to start by saying thank you for the help!

A little information on me, I am a 25 year old fairly recent graduate, in a long term (8 years) relationship with a lovely girl we can call Jane. The two of us purchased a house together about a year ago, and lived together on and off as schedules permitted throughout my time at university. By all means she is fantastic, lovable, sweet, funny, and a whole load of other things. All in all I am quite happy!

So why am I writing for help? Well, I’ve grown and changed a lot as a person since we started dating. This has been a largely positive change in most areas in her eyes, with the exception of one.

While I had grown up largely focusing on monogamous relationships, around 3/4 years back I started to notice I rather enjoyed the prospect of polygamy. I first started to think about this shift in relationship style when I realized as time had gone on I had become less and less prone to jealousy or the general sense of “relational ownership” I had felt when I was younger, and that I greatly enjoyed the idea of being able to express romantic/physical/whatever inclination to more than one party, and wanted Jane to be able to do the same.

Around this time, I asked Jane something to the effect of “Lets say I loved you fully, but also had strong feelings for another person. Do you think it would be possible for me to have feelings of love for both of you?” Jane has always been a bit a somewhat jealous type of person, never doing anything mean or destructive because of it, but none the less reacted not so well to this, assuming that in spite of what I’d said that it meant I did not or would not love her. As a result, after moving beyond the initial tears and fears, I never brought it up again.

Fast forward to the here and now, I still feel the same way. The only difference is that Jane and I have both been becoming increasingly close friends with someone I used to know from my mid teens, who we can call Susan. Back in “the day” Susan and I were never wildly close friends by any means, but were in to the same general music, hobbies, etc, and had hung out together over the years, and have kept in relatively good touch. Recently Susan and I started chatting more, just about random current events, politics, etc. It was a nice talk, and I suggested the three of us have dinner or find a time to hang out some time and catch up. We did so, and progressively one meet up became another, became many more, and we currently all meet up for movies, dinners, drinks, general whatever every weekend. Jane has expressed to me a level of attraction to Susan, and likewise Susan has expressed that she is very romantically interested in both Jane and myself. Susan has also expressed her own non monogamous leanings to both Jane and I.

I have discussed things again recently, and in much more persistent detail with Jane. I have expressed that I think it would be nice to open our relationship up to the possibility of the three of us dating, and that in the event Jane had similar feelings for another, that I (and Susan in this context) would be open to that too, regardless of gender, presentation, etc, so long as we liked them as people.

Long story short, Jane’s response was about as hard a no as it possibly could be. I wasn’t really expecting it to go over especially fantastically, but I’ve tried to improve communication and expression of desires so wanted to at least give it a “proper” try.

Anyways on to my actual problem, which isn’t the one that it probably sounds like it would be based on the stuff above.

I’m not looking for help making a decision of whether I should be with Susan or Jane, as I have already made my mind ages ago that Jane is someone I want to be with no matter what. If that means she is the only someone, and that I will not be following my poly leanings, than so be it. The issue is that even though I can consciously say this, it is something I still really want. I want to be allowed to express romantic feelings for people, and have them reject or receive them, and have that develop however it may. I have very strong feelings for Susan, and would love to act upon those, or similar for potential others in the future.

Basically, the TL;DR question to summarize this is: I am poly leaning and my partner is not. How can I focus more on her, reduce my strong romantic desires, and get myself back into the typical “The One ™” mindset?

Many thanks again!

-Polygamustnot

DEAR POLYGAMUSTNOT: First of all, I think you mean polyamory. If you were calling it polygamy, then it likely sounded to your wife like you were proposing a harem situation, which — as even incredibly experienced daters can tell you — is beyond varsity level and well into the pros in terms of difficulty. Even if she were poly-inclined, I could see that being a hard-as-hell no.

But let’s talk about you for a second. You, over the course of your growth as an emotional person, have realized that you aren’t as possessive and jealous as you once were. That’s awesome! It’s an inherently good thing to be able to legitimately be secure enough in your relationship with your partner, regardless of whether you’re monogamous or not. And, in theory, you’d be down, should the opportunity arise, with an open or even polyamorous arrangement.  All well and good. We all have wants and fantasies. We all have ideas that we think we would be into, should the opportunity arise. Sometimes, they’re flights of fancy, a willingness to admit that under different circumstances, a particular thing – whether it’s an activity, a relationship change or just a person – might be fun. It’s relatively easy to live with a fantasy even when you know – as you did, after your first conversation with your partner – that it was never going to happen.

Other times, they’re something we discover that we legitimately want, even need. And that’s when things get complicated.

In your case, the problem is that you took it to another level. Hoping to fulfill a fantasy is one thing if it’s just involving you and you alone.  But a relationship means that you share your life with someone and what affects you tends to affect them too… especially if it involves things that are already a hard-limit for your partner. Bringing up your interest in polyamory – after a pretty firm shut-down – wasn’t a great idea in the first place. Bringing it up again, with a specific person this time? That was a pretty damn big mistake. And while you don’t give all the details, I suspect that you were talking this out with Susan long before you brought it up again to Jane. I rather imagine that if Susan had told the two of you together that she’d be open for dating one or both of you, it would have been a very different conversation for everyone involved.

Instead, it seems that you took it upon yourself to start the conversation without asking your partner first. And that was where you screwed up. Now, to be fair: Jane was willing to admit an attraction to Susan. But there’s being willing to say someone’s attractive or sexy, maybe even fantasize about her in the privacy of one’s own mind, but to actually invite her into your relationship in some way, shape or form?

That’s a pretty big NOPE right there.

Before now, you were content with the relationship you had. But now that you’ve opened Pandora’s Box (as it were) of desire and thought, even for a moment, that there was a possibility of making this real, you’re stuck wanting something that you know you can’t have. Now you want to rewind time and try to find some way to shove that knowledge and that desire back in the box. And, I hate to tell you this but… you’re just gonna have to live with it.

Once you realized that there’s a part of you going unfulfilled, there really is no way to not know it. There’s no magical way of thinking that’s going to make you not want something. You’re not going to be able to force yourself to not desire something through sheer force of will or mental trickery. The only thing you can do with these new desires – if you want to maintain your current relationship – is make your peace with it.  Either you’re going to have to accept that the price of entry to your relationship with Jane is that you’re going to have desires that are going to go unfulfilled, or you’re going to have to break up with her.

You say that Jane is the person that you want to be with no matter what. Take that knowledge – understanding that she’s that awesome and that she’s worth what you’ll have to give up to be with her – and find comfort in it. Nobody gets everything they want in a relationship, because people are people and people aren’t perfect. There is no One; there’s the .6 to .8 that you round up to One. You may not get your fantasy, but look at all the amazing things you do get to have instead! If you want to make things work with Jane, that’s going to have to be enough.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an avid reader of yours for the past few years, and I really like your thoughtful perspective. I was wondering if you could help me with a relationship dilemma. I’m a grad student dating another student in my university, and after six months, things have been getting pretty serious. My boyfriend is intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and incredibly supportive—and he’s made it clear that he sees our relationship heading towards marriage and children. He’s the kind of person who brings by homemade soup when I’m sick, gives amazing pep talks, even watches my dog so I could visit family or present at conferences. I love him, but I’m not as completely certain that he’s “the one.” On one hand, I can definitely see us together long-term—we’re on the same page with life goals, conflict styles, vulnerable and open communication, sex, finances, and even hypothetical parenting styles. We’re compatible in many ways, and one of my favorite things is sitting on the porch in a comfortable silence with him, watching the sunset after a long day of teaching or weekend hike.

But on the other hand, he’s so different from the person I’d always imagined I’d end up with. Because we started out as hiking buddies and were friends well before we started dating, things that I would have deemed deal breakers on a first date didn’t seem to matter. He’s eight years older, not particularly religious, messy, smokes weed a few times a month, has tons of tattoos, and he isn’t quite as ambitious or career-focused. I’m a person of faith, uncomfortable with drugs, obsessively clean, and my degree is significantly more marketable. He’s supportive of my own beliefs, only smokes when I’m not around, and helps me mellow out when I get too uptight about school and work (and I’ve helped him with his job applications), so I know these should be non-issues. But I struggle to dismiss them completely. Is it disingenuous to continue dating him when I’m only about 75-80% sure that we’ll make it work long term?

He’s almost finished with his PhD while I’m still facing another five years of school to get mine—because he’s older, he’s dated more than me and wants to settle down more quickly, most likely while I’ll still be in school. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it does put a little more pressure on me to be sure before he tries to find jobs this year near my next grad program. Is it normal to feel this way in a serious relationship? Am I ethically in the wrong for continuing to be with him when I’m not 100% certain? He’s so supportive, so I feel terrible for having lingering doubts about issues that seem more shallow.

-Of Two Minds

DEAR OF TWO MINDS: I think your problem isn’t that you’re not 100% certain, OTM. I think your problem is that you’re getting hung up on what you think you should want vs. what you do want. I mean, you’ve listed all of these amazing things about him that you love and things that are insanely important to you in terms of long-term compatibility. Hell even by your own words, those dealbreakers of his aren’t a big deal and he goes out of his way to minimize their impact on you.

I’m gonna be honest: I’m not really seeing the downside here other than he’s not quite as much of a neat-freak as you are.

But I’m going to tell you the same thing I just told Polygamustnot above: there is no “The One”. You’re not going to find one person who has every single thing you want in a partner; you’re always going to compromise and accept that everyone you date is going to have their flaws and imperfections. The question isn’t “is this person The One”, it’s “is this person so awesome that I don’t mind the other stuff?” At 75 – 80%, you’re doing pretty damn well. To paraphrase a particular sage: there’s a million fine looking men in the world. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Or homemade soup, for that matter.

And to inject a certain amount of reality: there’s no way to know who is or isn’t going to work in the long-term. Every single relationship you’re going to be in will fail, until one doesn’t… and there’s no real way to predict which one is going to be the one that doesn’t.

But let’s be real here, OTM, your dude sounds pretty awesome. You might wanna hold on tight to him, OTM, because I’m pretty sure there’re going to be some folks in the comments who’ll volunteer as tribute if you decide you can’t make this work.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am a 27 year old male who has never been in a serious relationship, though have had a few flings last about a month. I am a reasonably handsome and pretty fit guy. I’ve never felt the need to necessarily ‘chase’ women – I’m okay with being alone. If I’m out with my buddies and I talk to a lady, great. If I don’t, great. That being said, for a long time my self-esteem and opinion of myself was pretty low, as well as dealing with a self sustained injury to my genitals left me feeling indifferent to the whole dating scene, until recently (thanks in large part to reading your work). I’ve taken steps like upgrading my wardrobe and taking better care of my body/health (everything works as it should).

A few months ago I asked a girl I work with if she wanted to grab some drinks – it was totally platonic, I had the night off and wanted to get out of the house, and she was game. We continued to casually hang and grab drinks every so often, whenever schedules allowed – we are both bartenders working at the same pub. I knew she had been dating a girl for almost a decade (she identifies as bisexual), and didn’t think anything would necessarily happen – until it did. One night as we were hanging out, we got into a little tickling/roughhousing fight, I picked up some serious signs, and made a move. Again, I was under the impression she was still with her girl at this time, although in the moment she did inform me that they were on a break. Great, I thought. A little fun for me! 

Afterwards, working with her continued to be great, no issues, business as usual. We hung out and hooked up again, and at that point she explained what she was looking for: nothing serious, just exploring herself as she figures things out. Here is exactly when I caught some serious feelings.

We continued to go out on dates, having fun, always talking for hours and sharing a lot of laughs. She never checks her phone even though I know it’s being blown up, and always looks great and arrives on time.

One day at work I couldn’t help but notice a fella at the bar took quite the shine to her, and I couldn’t help but notice myself getting very jealous. I felt like it was written on my face and made work awkward, so the next time we went out I felt like I had to apologize. Then the floodgates opened: I basically did everything but propose, venting all my frustrations and unrequited love for her. At the time, it felt like a great weight was lifted. Now, I can’t believe how selfish I was: she’s going through something I can’t imagine, her phone is probably being blown up by her ex, all her girlfriends telling her what she should do, checking in on her, on top of whatever other messages she gets from Tinder or Bumble. My feelings and my problems are my own, not hers. My job should simply be her friend – she’s going through something I can’t imagine and the least I can do is just make her laugh and all.

Working with her continued to be great – no lingering awkwardness, still playfully punching/tickling/poking each other, still with the inside jokes about certain annoying patrons. She texted me that night after the date explaining that she was glad to have had that conversation as adults, and stressed nothing would change. 

I let things mellow out for a couple weeks, until last week when I asked her to go bowling. Went great, lots of laughs, grabbed drinks afterwards and hung out all night. Said goodbye with one of my patented big ol’ hugs – the kind where I pick you up with a big bear hug. She always giggles and wraps her legs around me as I squeeze a liiiiiitle bit longer than usual. I felt good after that night, so naturally I had to think and ruin my mood. I notice of late she has been lending her car to a manager of ours who I know doesn’t have one, and is going through a rough patch with his own girlfriend. Obviously I began to think the two of them were an item, which again I felt is/was written all over my face.

I suppose my question is, what do I do? Should I let things calm down for a while/no more dates, and accept the fact I’m back to square one? Should I continue asking her out on dates/hanging when we can? Our schedules make it so that we would only have maybe one day/night off together a week, something she would also know. I should also mention I’ve begun using apps like Youper and Headspace to help process my emotions and have felt much better since starting that.

I feel like I know what answer is right, though hearing it from you would mean a lot more than some BS bro-science stuff from my idiot bro friends.

Regards,

Insert Foot (a) Into Mouth Slot (b)

DEAR INSERT FOOT (A) INTO MOUTH (B): Yeah, you kinda screwed up there, chief. You did so in an understandable way, but you still did it.

But before I get into what you should do about it, let’s talk about jealousy for a second. Jealousy is an emotion that, at its core, is based around insecurity. When you’re jealous of someone (as opposed to when you’re envious of them), you’re worried that that someone is going to take what you have. You feel as though that you just aren’t enough , that you don’t have enough inherent worth or value to hold on to whatever it is you’re afraid of losing… especially when it’s another person. So when you encounter someone that you perceive as horning in on your territory – whether they actually are or aren’t – then you feel those sour emotions bubble up inside you. You start to envision scenarios where your special someone is going to be distracted by the new shiny object and leave you in their rear-view mirror. And because the brain can’t tell the difference between the imaginary and the real, you react to that imagined scenario instead of the real one. So, despite the fact that nothing has actually happened, you’re responding as though you’ve already been dumped.

And so you panic. You flail about. You get angry over this once-and-future betrayal. You latch onto any strategy that you think will give you a last minute reprieve, like a drowning man clinging to a twig. You pick fights to make the break-up finally happen because the anticipation of it is driving you crazy. You cling to the relationship with your fingernails and become defensive and clingy. Or you feelings-vomit all over the place in hopes that maybe the depth of your emotion will sway her to stay.

All of these strategies work about as well as you might expect. Which is to say, about as well as a Change.org petition to demand that Disney reverse The Last Jedi and tell the story right this time. What they often WILL do is torpedo your relationship like the Lusitania.

Now there are a lot of keys to dealing with jealousy, but the most effective is simply understanding that what you feel isn’t always accurate. It’s as much about your mindset and your own sense of self worth as it is about what’s actually going on. This doesn’t mean that believing in yourself makes you immune to jealousy; it just means that you’re better prepared to not overreact. Having faith in your on worth, your value and your attractiveness helps give you the tools that you need to talk yourself down off the ledge; you’re able to take a step back and take an objective look at what’s going on instead of taking the silver in the Olympic long jumping to conclusions. And, if that isn’t enough, that sense of self-worth and value means that you’re able to actually talk it out with your partner.

So let’s get back to your situation, IFIMS. You made two mistakes here.

The first is that you let jealousy get out of control. You’ve been making strides – and you should be justly proud of the progress you’ve made – but you still have those weak spots, those areas where you don’t feel like you’re deserving of love. That’s entirely understandable; everyone has them. The problem is that you let things rage out of control at the first sign of trouble. You saw somebody else liked your FWB and leapt to conclusions so quickly that Barry Allen would’ve told you to slow down, chief. You could stop and examine how she acts when she’s with you – giving you her full attention, dressing up for your your dates, making sure to be absolutely punctual, having a great time with you. You could recognize your own value: you’re a good looking, fit individual who’s put a lot of effort into himself. You could look at all the dates the two of you have been on. But you didn’t. You let things bubble up and then vomited things up over her out of a misplaced sense of guilt.

Being jealous isn’t something to be ashamed of, my dude. It’s just something to manage. Hell, it’s even something you can admit to – in that “yeah I know it’s a little absurd but I feel this twinge of jealousy ‘cuz I like you.” sort of way. But the feelings-dump you made? Not the best.

But it’s the reasons behind the feelings dump that are the real problem. And it’s where you made your major mistake: you didn’t listen to what she told you. She told you up front that she wants something casual, because she’s in a transitory state and wants to just explore her own feelings for a bit. It would be one thing to try to define terms – what does casual mean to her, what should you two expect – but you didn’t. You heard “I don’t want anything serious” and responded with “challenge accepted”.

Now this is a common enough reaction. God knows I’ve done this in my time. But what she was telling you was to adjust your expectations accordingly. If you were going to treat this as a potential committed relationship and get ugly feels over the idea of her possibly dating other folks too, then the best thing you could do would be to bow out. This doesn’t mean that there’s something weak or unmanly about you, it just means that this is a style of relationship that is right for you. But since you went in hoping for something serious, you took that statement as a warning instead. So now instead of being able to just enjoy what you had, you’ve got the germ that would eventually grow and spread into that case of jealousy you’re dealing with.

Which brings us back to where we are now. What do you do now? Well, to start with, I’d suggest figuring out where your head’s at. Taking some time to recognize your value and build up your confidence is important. But just as important is understanding your feelings for her and what they may mean for the two of you.

Knowing that she’s not looking for anything serious – and you clearly want that seriousness – are you going to be able to date her with the understanding that this isn’t heading towards commitment and monogamy? Are you going to be able to enjoy the relationship you have instead of the one that you’re hoping for? If so, then the next step is to talk with your friend. Tell her that you want to figure out where the two of you stand, because you really dig her. Is she still down for casual dates and hook-ups? What does casual mean for her? Does she see this as potentially going somewhere more serious, or is that still off the table for her?

Then, listen to her. Not just “physically hear the words” but actually internalize them, so that you aren’t acting on false or invented hope. If what she has to offer is something you can live with, then hey, awesome. Enjoy your time with her.

But if it isn’t? Then the best thing you can do is enjoy being her friend, even having a flirty friendship, but look for the kind of relationship you need elsewhere.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I just read your column about the reader who wanted to know how to friend-zone his wife, and the bit about “you’re falling victim to a lot of confirmation bias here, all based around the idea that you’re inherently unattractive and that your interest in someone is an unwanted burden that you’re dropping on them like a cat presenting them with a dead mouse” resonated with me. And I think, “Hey, yeah! Why should expressing my interest in a woman be a giant imposition on her?”

But then I thought a little more. Obviously it’s great if she reciprocates, and it’s fine if she’s comfortable giving a kind “Thanks but no thanks.” But then what about the ones who just aren’t comfortable handing out rejection? And that’s without getting into her fear that I might turn aggressive.

How should a guy navigate that minefield? I mean, I understand about not approaching a woman on a bus and so forth, but what about that party scenario? Is it just something I have to live with, that some women will be unhappy that I spoke to them?

– Where’s The Line

DEAR WHERE’S THE LINE: It’s admirable to be concerned about not making women uncomfortable, WTL, but you need to be careful. It’s one thing to want to make sure that you aren’t creeping on someone or that the person you’re flirting with is actually into flirting with you. It’s another entirely to let the fear of “but what if she’s afraid to say no?” become an excuse for paralysis or inaction.

The key to making sure that you’re not an unwelcome presence when you’re talking to someone you’re interested in is to pay attention to them and be mindful of their comfort. Are you up in their personal space, or are you keeping a respectful distance? Are they giving you open, relaxed body language or are they crossing their arms or holding an object across their body like a shield? Are they giving you their full attention, or are they constantly looking at their watch or glancing about the room? Do they seem engaged in the conversation – participating fully and with enthusiasm – or are they giving short, brusque answers? These are all ways of gauging how into you they are and how comfortable they feel.

Similarly, if you ask them out on a date, do they give you a reason why they can’t, without suggesting another, specific time or place? Generally, if someone is interested in you but has a reason why they can’t see you on that particular day, they’ll suggest a time when they would be available. If they just give you the reason – she’s busy, she’s not ready to date, she has another event planned that day – without suggesting an alternative, then she’s trying to turn you down. These are what’s known as a “soft no” – a polite way of turning somebody down without outright saying “no, not interested”. Accepting these as the gentle refusal they’re intended to be means that you won’t be upsetting her or making her feel uncomfortable.

Just pay attention and be mindful, WTL and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m 23 and looking for love in the Big Apple. I recently stumbled onto your blog, and I’ve really enjoyed it/found it helpful. I would like some advice. My problem isn’t actually getting girls. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends and can get a date. My problem is pushing them away because I come on too strong.

Here is my most recent “failure.” I met this girl at a bar about a month ago. She was very good looking and we bonded over singing “Jessie’s Girl,” being nerdy, and similar experiences with Greek Life in college, among other things. We talked for a long time, and I was smitten. I got her number and asked her out the next day, and she responded positively. We texted just about every day for two weeks until we actually went on the date (she was busy the weekend after we met so we had to wait). She told me she was really looking forward to it. I was too.

The date started out really well. We took an hour to order food because we couldn’t stop talking to each other long enough to look at the menu, and never ran out of things to say throughout the meal. We had similar interests and personality quirks, so there was obviously chemistry. She told me she was having a really great time near the end of dinner. She offered to pay for part of dinner, but I picked up the check and said, “Maybe if we do this again…” and she cut me off immediately and said, “When we do this again.” And after dinner, I took her to a romantic spot and we kissed, and it was mutually wanted (we both leaned in for it). And I think it was a fine kiss too, before you ask. So all good signs.

And then…I held her hand for like 30 seconds and said I was glad I had met her. And I asked if I could put my arm around her and she said she was okay with it, but I could tell it was awkward. In fact, the whole mood of the date had changed after the kiss and she just seemed more out of place. So when I asked her out again, she told me no because I had come on too strong and it made her freak out.

A month later, I’m still kind of bummed about it. She seemed so into me, and now, I have nothing to show for it. And she was really great, and she was the first girl since my last girlfriend a year ago that I really felt this strong a connection with (and I’ve gone on other dates, but not one this good in a while). So yeah, I was really into her, and I guess that’s my problem: I had fallen head-over-heels for this girl who I had only met twice. And I think even if my acts were relatively tame (I mean, some people have sex on the first date, holding hands shouldn’t be such a big deal), my feelings had shown through.

It’s a common thread too. It’s why online dating is hard for me because I get attached so easily. I’ve said “I love you” fairly quickly in my previous relationships, and my aforementioned last girlfriend had a problem with me doing too much in the relationship, or making too big romantic gestures. That’s not a humble brag, by the way, it’s real problem. I fall for girls very quickly, I give too much or come on too strong too soon, and I end up getting hurt. And it seems the longer I’m single, and even though I have other pursuits in my life to make that time more fulfilling, it becomes harder to reign those feelings in because I just get more excited each time about the prospect of meeting someone.

So I guess my question is this: how do I keep my feelings in check? How do I not get so attached to someone I’ve just met, even if I think they’re an amazing person? How do I care less? Thanks for your advice.

Sincerely,

Wannabe Loverboy

DEAR WANNABE LOVERBOY: It’s not about the act, WTM, it’s the signals behind it.

We’re just gonna go to the tape, because you’ve shown us exactly where you screwed up: “And then…I held her hand for like 30 seconds and said I was glad I had met her. And I asked if I could put my arm around her and she said she was okay with it, but I could tell it was awkward.”

You were doing pretty well… right up to this point. This was a classy date that was going well for everyone involved. But when you got to the “I’m glad I met you” part, it almost certainly sounded to her like you were already treating things like you guys were five or six dates in. That’s the sort of thing you tend to say when you’ve been together for a while, not on a first date.

Here’s your problem: you’re needy as hell. You overcommit too far, too fast and your behavior shows that you seem more interested in locking them down before they can get away than in pursuing a relationship with someone like a grown-ass adult. I get that meeting new people is exciting, but it seems as though you’re mistaking “excitement” for “a love for the ages” – especially if it corresponds with how long you’ve been single. All of that says to me that you have some self-esteem issues that’re getting in the way of your dating. Giving “too much” and making those big, romantic gestures (which only work in movies) suggests that you fear that you don’t have anything about you that would make women want to stay. Instead, you end up trying to bowl them over with these grand declarations of love that just make them incredibly uncomfortable and worrying that you have low emotional intelligence.

The thing you have to realize is that hiding how you feel isn’t going to solve the problem. You (like 99% of the population) are not that good of an actor and it’ll bleed into everything you do. But even if you do successfully hide it, all that’s happening is that you’re masking symptoms, not actually treating the problem. And the problem isn’t falling in love so easily, it’s why you fall that quickly.

You, my friend, desperately need to develop some chill. The biggest thing you need to do is work on your validation – finding the things about you that make you awesome – so that you aren’t so afraid that others are going to leave. This is one of those times when it may help to talk to a counselor in your area; they may be best suited to help you work on identifying and fixing those problem areas.

But overall, the more comfortable you get with your own value and your own self-worth, the more you’ll be able to enjoy that initial limerence for what it is – the thrill of the new – and not confusing it with a grand passion that must be acted upon.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few years ago at age 20 I was in a sexually coercive relationship. I only recently found out that that’s even a thing (like a few weeks ago) and that it’s supposed to be equivalent to some sort of assault. Initially I was relieved because it meant I could finally stop feeling guilty and disgusted with myself but then I started realizing what a huge lie I have been living for years.

Side note: I still find it very hard to accept that the sexual coercion thing wasn’t my own fault. I sincerely believed for years that it’s my own responsibility to say no clearly. If I never said no and established my own limits, then how is he supposed to know? Even though I can see why he was an asshole, I still can’t really forgive myself. I feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself when I think about my time with him.

Only a few weeks after my coercive relationship ended, I found a new boyfriend who I’m married to now. The problem was that sex felt icky. It made me feel angry, resentful and not turned on at all. I always just ignored that feeling and pretended everything was fine. I didn’t want to tell my new boyfriend I wasn’t in the mood, after all (and feed into the worst cliches about mooching, boring girlfriends). I just read today that there is something called internalized coercion, and that girls are brought up learning that sex is an obligation in a relationship, not a choice. I didn’t realize it at the time but looking back I think this is the way I subconsciously perceived it. I felt guilty when I wasn’t in the mood – and I was never in the mood, so what was I supposed to do? Deny him sex forever?

I’m a good actor. I would let him believe I really really wanted sex when in reality I was creeped out by it. I thought something was wrong with me for not wanting it. I thought that I needed to “just get over it” and stop being such a prude. Sex is a vital part of any relationship, everybody says so. Without it, the relationship dies. There is this saying: Men will use love to get sex and women will use sex to get love.

I thought that was the natural state of things. It was just the way it was.

I love my (now) husband. He is my best friend and I don’t think it’s his fault that he didn’t pick up on my weird relationship to sex. After all, I did absolutely everything I could so he wouldn’t find out. I really acted well. I told him about the things I liked and what I wanted him to do (all lies).

Since I stumbled on the term sexual coercion three weeks ago, I have been cutting back on a lot of the acting. I revealed the lie to myself, so it’s harder to still pretend. I don’t want to. I just want to hug and kiss and never have to deal with his penis again, if I can help it. We don’t have a lot of sex anymore anyway which suits me just fine (he says he is ok with it too when I ask him). I still can’t shed the icky feeling of sex and I don’t want to act like I want it anymore.

I’m not really sure he means it when he says he is fine with less sex or if he just finds me sexually boring now. It sounds genuine enough and I don’t want to keep asking him. I have asked him like 3 times already recently.

Do you think I should tell my husband about my experience? Does he have a right to know or can we go on just fine as it is? It makes me a bit sad that I’m not enjoying sex anymore as I used to have quite a big libido before. How do I tell him now that I feel uncomfortable with sex? Won’t he feel deceived?

By the way, this does not apply to all sex. Once we masturbated together and I really liked that. It’s just not something we do a lot. If the choice is between masturbating together or no sex at all, my husband will usually pick no sex at all. I also really enjoy the heat and the getting turned on when we make out but it’s just still weird for me going further.

It’s just all the normal penetrative stuff that makes me feel weird, especially when it reminds me of my old relationship. My husband for example gets turned on by holding me down and I have successfully acted for 3,5 years now that I liked it (because I didn’t like anything, so why not just go all in), so it’s pretty overwhelming suddenly having to explain to him how I was just lying to him the whole time and I’m actually not ok with a lot of things we do in bed.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe you can help me see the situation more clearly. I appreciate any insight or advice. I do realize you are not a psychologist – I guess I’m looking for advice on how to not kill my relationship with my husband at this point. Thanks for any insight you might have.

Gone On Too Long

DEAR GONE ON TOO LONG: ’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you, GOTL. It’s awful that you went through all of that, and I’m glad that you’ve found a measure of comfort in realizing what has happened to you.

But now that you’ve had that revelation, there are three things I want you to do. And I’m going to warn you now: none of them are going to be easy. In fact, almost all of it is going to suck in ways things haven’t sucked before. But it’s still necessary.

First: I want you to talk to a therapist or counselor about what happened to you. You have a lot of internal conflict bound up in what happened to you and most of that is far outside the remit of a loudmouth with a blog, like me. Talking with a mental health professional will help you untangle a lot of the whammy that was put on you about female sexuality as you grew up and help you realize that your abuse was not your fault. The American Association of Sexual Educators Counselors and Therapists has a referral directorythat can help you find a counselor in your area.

Second: You need to talk to your husband. He has a right to know what’s going on – especially since right now, he has no clue why you’re suddenly not interested in penetrative sex. As far as he knows, everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn’t. That can be confusing, even painful for someone. For all they know, it was their fault and they don’t know how to make it right.

But more importantly: letting him know what’s up with you is important because, well, you’ve been tricking him, and in ways that aren’t fair to him. As far as he knew, you enjoyed your power-exchange as he was holding you down. I suspect that if he knew that you were dying a little inside every time, he would never have asked to do it. Letting that secret go on for so long now means that when he does find out, it’s going to really hurt him. That’s pain you could’ve avoided earlier on if you’d been straightforward with him.

The other thing to consider is that, by being honest with him and telling him everything, you empower your relationship to actually change. Right now, he feels like he’s being offered not-sex or no sex. And while yes, there’s more to sex than penetration, he’s seeing this as you losing interest in him. Realizing that the problem isn’t him but the penetration might make him more open to other forms of sex – including that mutual masturbation you found so hot.

Being honest means that you can also have open discussion about other ways he can get his needs met. His going behind your back and having an affair is more likely to damage the relationship than it would be for you two to be honest and let him be honestly non-monogamous instead. That openness can release the tension of his love for you but his desire for sex, instead of being told that he’s now stuck being celibate.

Will this save your relationship with your husband? Maybe. Maybe not. But continuing to keep this from him will destroy it.

Third: you need to forgive yourself. You were abused. The fault wasn’t that you let yourself be abused, the fault was with the person who abused you. End of story. And – remember, Doctor NerdLove isn’t a real doctor, so take this with suitable amounts of salt – I kind of suspect that some of your willingness to fake an interest in sex with your husband may be some form of self-punishment. You “let” yourself be abused, so you “deserve” to have this happen to you. That’s bulls

t.

The sooner you learn to forgive yourself, the sooner you’ll be able to heal. And talking with a counselor will be the first step on that path.

Good luck, GOTL. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)