DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m 23 and looking for love in the Big Apple. I recently stumbled onto your blog, and I’ve really enjoyed it/found it helpful. I would like some advice. My problem isn’t actually getting girls. I’ve had a couple of girlfriends and can get a date. My problem is pushing them away because I come on too strong.

Here is my most recent “failure.” I met this girl at a bar about a month ago. She was very good looking and we bonded over singing “Jessie’s Girl,” being nerdy, and similar experiences with Greek Life in college, among other things. We talked for a long time, and I was smitten. I got her number and asked her out the next day, and she responded positively. We texted just about every day for two weeks until we actually went on the date (she was busy the weekend after we met so we had to wait). She told me she was really looking forward to it. I was too.

The date started out really well. We took an hour to order food because we couldn’t stop talking to each other long enough to look at the menu, and never ran out of things to say throughout the meal. We had similar interests and personality quirks, so there was obviously chemistry. She told me she was having a really great time near the end of dinner. She offered to pay for part of dinner, but I picked up the check and said, “Maybe if we do this again…” and she cut me off immediately and said, “When we do this again.” And after dinner, I took her to a romantic spot and we kissed, and it was mutually wanted (we both leaned in for it). And I think it was a fine kiss too, before you ask. So all good signs.

And then…I held her hand for like 30 seconds and said I was glad I had met her. And I asked if I could put my arm around her and she said she was okay with it, but I could tell it was awkward. In fact, the whole mood of the date had changed after the kiss and she just seemed more out of place. So when I asked her out again, she told me no because I had come on too strong and it made her freak out.

A month later, I’m still kind of bummed about it. She seemed so into me, and now, I have nothing to show for it. And she was really great, and she was the first girl since my last girlfriend a year ago that I really felt this strong a connection with (and I’ve gone on other dates, but not one this good in a while). So yeah, I was really into her, and I guess that’s my problem: I had fallen head-over-heels for this girl who I had only met twice. And I think even if my acts were relatively tame (I mean, some people have sex on the first date, holding hands shouldn’t be such a big deal), my feelings had shown through.

It’s a common thread too. It’s why online dating is hard for me because I get attached so easily. I’ve said “I love you” fairly quickly in my previous relationships, and my aforementioned last girlfriend had a problem with me doing too much in the relationship, or making too big romantic gestures. That’s not a humble brag, by the way, it’s real problem. I fall for girls very quickly, I give too much or come on too strong too soon, and I end up getting hurt. And it seems the longer I’m single, and even though I have other pursuits in my life to make that time more fulfilling, it becomes harder to reign those feelings in because I just get more excited each time about the prospect of meeting someone.

So I guess my question is this: how do I keep my feelings in check? How do I not get so attached to someone I’ve just met, even if I think they’re an amazing person? How do I care less? Thanks for your advice.

Sincerely,

Wannabe Loverboy

DEAR WANNABE LOVERBOY: It’s not about the act, WTM, it’s the signals behind it.

We’re just gonna go to the tape, because you’ve shown us exactly where you screwed up: “And then…I held her hand for like 30 seconds and said I was glad I had met her. And I asked if I could put my arm around her and she said she was okay with it, but I could tell it was awkward.”

You were doing pretty well… right up to this point. This was a classy date that was going well for everyone involved. But when you got to the “I’m glad I met you” part, it almost certainly sounded to her like you were already treating things like you guys were five or six dates in. That’s the sort of thing you tend to say when you’ve been together for a while, not on a first date.

Here’s your problem: you’re needy as hell. You overcommit too far, too fast and your behavior shows that you seem more interested in locking them down before they can get away than in pursuing a relationship with someone like a grown-ass adult. I get that meeting new people is exciting, but it seems as though you’re mistaking “excitement” for “a love for the ages” – especially if it corresponds with how long you’ve been single. All of that says to me that you have some self-esteem issues that’re getting in the way of your dating. Giving “too much” and making those big, romantic gestures (which only work in movies) suggests that you fear that you don’t have anything about you that would make women want to stay. Instead, you end up trying to bowl them over with these grand declarations of love that just make them incredibly uncomfortable and worrying that you have low emotional intelligence.

The thing you have to realize is that hiding how you feel isn’t going to solve the problem. You (like 99% of the population) are not that good of an actor and it’ll bleed into everything you do. But even if you do successfully hide it, all that’s happening is that you’re masking symptoms, not actually treating the problem. And the problem isn’t falling in love so easily, it’s why you fall that quickly.

You, my friend, desperately need to develop some chill. The biggest thing you need to do is work on your validation – finding the things about you that make you awesome – so that you aren’t so afraid that others are going to leave. This is one of those times when it may help to talk to a counselor in your area; they may be best suited to help you work on identifying and fixing those problem areas.

But overall, the more comfortable you get with your own value and your own self-worth, the more you’ll be able to enjoy that initial limerence for what it is – the thrill of the new – and not confusing it with a grand passion that must be acted upon.

Good luck.

t.

The sooner you learn to forgive yourself, the sooner you’ll be able to heal. And talking with a counselor will be the first step on that path.

Good luck, GOTL. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A few years ago at age 20 I was in a sexually coercive relationship. I only recently found out that that’s even a thing (like a few weeks ago) and that it’s supposed to be equivalent to some sort of assault. Initially I was relieved because it meant I could finally stop feeling guilty and disgusted with myself but then I started realizing what a huge lie I have been living for years.

Side note: I still find it very hard to accept that the sexual coercion thing wasn’t my own fault. I sincerely believed for years that it’s my own responsibility to say no clearly. If I never said no and established my own limits, then how is he supposed to know? Even though I can see why he was an asshole, I still can’t really forgive myself. I feel incredibly guilty and disgusted with myself when I think about my time with him.

Only a few weeks after my coercive relationship ended, I found a new boyfriend who I’m married to now. The problem was that sex felt icky. It made me feel angry, resentful and not turned on at all. I always just ignored that feeling and pretended everything was fine. I didn’t want to tell my new boyfriend I wasn’t in the mood, after all (and feed into the worst cliches about mooching, boring girlfriends). I just read today that there is something called internalized coercion, and that girls are brought up learning that sex is an obligation in a relationship, not a choice. I didn’t realize it at the time but looking back I think this is the way I subconsciously perceived it. I felt guilty when I wasn’t in the mood – and I was never in the mood, so what was I supposed to do? Deny him sex forever?

I’m a good actor. I would let him believe I really really wanted sex when in reality I was creeped out by it. I thought something was wrong with me for not wanting it. I thought that I needed to “just get over it” and stop being such a prude. Sex is a vital part of any relationship, everybody says so. Without it, the relationship dies. There is this saying: Men will use love to get sex and women will use sex to get love.

I thought that was the natural state of things. It was just the way it was.

I love my (now) husband. He is my best friend and I don’t think it’s his fault that he didn’t pick up on my weird relationship to sex. After all, I did absolutely everything I could so he wouldn’t find out. I really acted well. I told him about the things I liked and what I wanted him to do (all lies).

Since I stumbled on the term sexual coercion three weeks ago, I have been cutting back on a lot of the acting. I revealed the lie to myself, so it’s harder to still pretend. I don’t want to. I just want to hug and kiss and never have to deal with his penis again, if I can help it. We don’t have a lot of sex anymore anyway which suits me just fine (he says he is ok with it too when I ask him). I still can’t shed the icky feeling of sex and I don’t want to act like I want it anymore.

I’m not really sure he means it when he says he is fine with less sex or if he just finds me sexually boring now. It sounds genuine enough and I don’t want to keep asking him. I have asked him like 3 times already recently.

Do you think I should tell my husband about my experience? Does he have a right to know or can we go on just fine as it is? It makes me a bit sad that I’m not enjoying sex anymore as I used to have quite a big libido before. How do I tell him now that I feel uncomfortable with sex? Won’t he feel deceived?

By the way, this does not apply to all sex. Once we masturbated together and I really liked that. It’s just not something we do a lot. If the choice is between masturbating together or no sex at all, my husband will usually pick no sex at all. I also really enjoy the heat and the getting turned on when we make out but it’s just still weird for me going further.

It’s just all the normal penetrative stuff that makes me feel weird, especially when it reminds me of my old relationship. My husband for example gets turned on by holding me down and I have successfully acted for 3,5 years now that I liked it (because I didn’t like anything, so why not just go all in), so it’s pretty overwhelming suddenly having to explain to him how I was just lying to him the whole time and I’m actually not ok with a lot of things we do in bed.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe you can help me see the situation more clearly. I appreciate any insight or advice. I do realize you are not a psychologist – I guess I’m looking for advice on how to not kill my relationship with my husband at this point. Thanks for any insight you might have.

Gone On Too Long

DEAR GONE ON TOO LONG: ’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you, GOTL. It’s awful that you went through all of that, and I’m glad that you’ve found a measure of comfort in realizing what has happened to you.

But now that you’ve had that revelation, there are three things I want you to do. And I’m going to warn you now: none of them are going to be easy. In fact, almost all of it is going to suck in ways things haven’t sucked before. But it’s still necessary.

First: I want you to talk to a therapist or counselor about what happened to you. You have a lot of internal conflict bound up in what happened to you and most of that is far outside the remit of a loudmouth with a blog, like me. Talking with a mental health professional will help you untangle a lot of the whammy that was put on you about female sexuality as you grew up and help you realize that your abuse was not your fault. The American Association of Sexual Educators Counselors and Therapists has a referral directorythat can help you find a counselor in your area.

Second: You need to talk to your husband. He has a right to know what’s going on – especially since right now, he has no clue why you’re suddenly not interested in penetrative sex. As far as he knows, everything was fine and then suddenly it wasn’t. That can be confusing, even painful for someone. For all they know, it was their fault and they don’t know how to make it right.

But more importantly: letting him know what’s up with you is important because, well, you’ve been tricking him, and in ways that aren’t fair to him. As far as he knew, you enjoyed your power-exchange as he was holding you down. I suspect that if he knew that you were dying a little inside every time, he would never have asked to do it. Letting that secret go on for so long now means that when he does find out, it’s going to really hurt him. That’s pain you could’ve avoided earlier on if you’d been straightforward with him.

The other thing to consider is that, by being honest with him and telling him everything, you empower your relationship to actually change. Right now, he feels like he’s being offered not-sex or no sex. And while yes, there’s more to sex than penetration, he’s seeing this as you losing interest in him. Realizing that the problem isn’t him but the penetration might make him more open to other forms of sex – including that mutual masturbation you found so hot.

Being honest means that you can also have open discussion about other ways he can get his needs met. His going behind your back and having an affair is more likely to damage the relationship than it would be for you two to be honest and let him be honestly non-monogamous instead. That openness can release the tension of his love for you but his desire for sex, instead of being told that he’s now stuck being celibate.

Will this save your relationship with your husband? Maybe. Maybe not. But continuing to keep this from him will destroy it.

Third: you need to forgive yourself. You were abused. The fault wasn’t that you let yourself be abused, the fault was with the person who abused you. End of story. And – remember, Doctor NerdLove isn’t a real doctor, so take this with suitable amounts of salt – I kind of suspect that some of your willingness to fake an interest in sex with your husband may be some form of self-punishment. You “let” yourself be abused, so you “deserve” to have this happen to you. That’s bulls

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I used to believe that beauty is subjective and different people like different things. But that’s complete bullshit and there are certain features that would make a guy attractive for any girl. It’s just how it is.

Dimples, nice smile, warm eyes etc. I have none of those. My face is an egg, I have a weird look in my eyes,  and despite weighing 70kg and being 1.85m tall my face is still chubby and when I smile I look like a disabled person. No girls would ever look at me, and none ever told me I’m good looking, cute etc. Except from my mom and grandmother which doesn’t count. My friends keep telling me I have a great personality but let’s face it, personality is irrelevant if you don’t look good.

And I’m guilty of liking only very pretty, cute, hot, sexy girls who everyone would agree they are good looking. And none of these girls would look at me. Not even average girls don’t. I never saw a girl looking at me. I’m almost 18 and I never ever dated a single girl, never held hands with one and never kissed one. And even if through a miracle a girl I find hot likes me, I’ll probably hardly fail to flirt with her since I HAVE 0 EXPERIENCE and I’ll just look like and idiot. And boom, there it goes.

I’ll find myself at 25 still a virgin unable to find “love”. I’m still trying to accept the idea I’ll die alone but its hard. And no, I’ll not find love at 30 or 22 or whatever, and no I will not pay for escorts. If I don’t find anyone until I’m 18, thats too late. I’ll completely give up searching “love” and I’ll just join some satanic cult and listen to suicidal songs or something. All my friends have had girlfriends and I’m the only one who, whenever people talk about relationships and girls get “You don’t know anything about this” , “just don’t say anything, you’re still a virgin wtf dude” and so on.

I tried improving myself and I still do. The more I try to look good, the uglier I realise I become. When I try becoming good at something, I always fail. I know it because I tried getting new skills and stuff but it’s pointless because no matter how hard I try, I’m useless at everything. I tried dating apps, but even in my best pics, I look bad. I got only a couple of matches from average-ugly girls. The problem is that I’m an useless ugly piece of shit with standards. I’ve got too high standards. I don’t care the least about a girl’s personality unless she looks as good as a Korean model.

To understand how big of a problem it is, I wouldn't be able to walk out on the street or in a mall with an average looking girl. I’ll be ashamed of doing that. I think it's the fact that I’m ugly and frustrated and never liked by anybody makes me like that. It’s because I lack looks that I crave only very good looking girls, and I just don’t know what to do and how to deal with being ugly and shit.

Huckin’ Fugly

DEAR HUCKIN’ FUGLY: Hoo boy. Let’s roll this one from the top, shall we?

We’ll start with the most obvious issue: you’re 18. I realize this sounds dismissive, but I’m being serious here. I remember exactly what it was like to be 18. 18 is a lousy age; you’re theoretically an adult, but you’re at the tail end of the social hell that is high-school, your brain is still bouncing around in a stew of hormones and you have the undeserved certainty in your grasp of how the world works of a college student who discovered Communism and veganism at the same time, despite having next to zero actual life experience. So everything is a crisis, the world is always ending and you’ve got more overwrought drama than three seasons of Riverdale.

So it’s really goddamn easy to declare that it’s the sexual apocalypse and you’re doomed to die a virgin despite being 18. I was absolutely, hands down, knew-it-in-my-bones sure that I was going to be able to drink before I ever had sex. I knew this with the certainty of someone who has hopped in the TARDIS and went forward in time to verify it personally.

I was, incidentally, completely goddamn wrong. I may have sworn up and down that I could see every step of the next five years with perfect clarity, but I was wrong. And you’re not any more prescient than I was.

(But, listen chief, as long as you’re telling the future, could you look up the lottery tickets? The Powerball prize pool’s going up again and I’ve got my eye on a sweet, sweet rebuilt ’67 Mustang…)

Now, you’re convinced that you’re going to be a virgin by 25. Let’s see if we can fix that, shall we?

Personally, I’d suggest starting by suggesting that you dial back the histrionics. I get that you are feeling things strongly – I refer you back to the whole “18 years old” thing – but the truth is: if I had a nickel for every dude who told me that he made Quasimodo look like a Men’s Health model but turned out to be completely average looking, Elon Musk and I would be having mecha fights outside of Los Angeles right now. So take a deep breath. Take another. Hold it. Let it out slowly.

Now let’s begin.

Your biggest problem isn’t your looks, it’s your attitude. You’ve thrown your hands up in defeat over a future that you don’t know and can’t know. In fact, the way that you’re talking makes me suspect that you’ve been spending time on incel boards. But whether you’re hanging out with the Incels or just assh

t. All that you’re doing is emotional self-harm, the psychological version of cutting. The only difference is that you’re cutting your soul and your self-esteem, not your flesh.

And that needs to stop. If you want to find love and lose your virginity before all-is-lost-woe-and-alack, then the first step is to stop treating self-harm as a path to truth instead of intellectual mutilation.

But hey, you want hard truths, I’ll give ’em to you. And here’s a hard truth for you: most of the issues you’re complaining about aren’t things something that are actually happening to you. You’re making broad worst-case-scenario assumptions based off of confirmation bias and your belief that you’re inherently unlovable and unf

e-infested sections of Reddit, the best thing you can do right now is log the hell out of them. I realize that it can feel like you’re facing harsh truths and peeling the pleasing lies, but that’s not what you’re actually doing. You’re engaging in what YouTuber ContraPoints famously calls “Masochistic Epistemology”: if it hurts, it must be true. But the fact is, that’s bulls

kable. You’re drawing conclusions based on things that you assume to be true with no facts actually in evidence. And to add to the self-loathing morass, you’re not considering that there are likely explanations that don’t have anything to do with you. Case in point: no girl besides your family has told you that you’re handsome? I’m not surprised. Not because you’re ugly but because for the most part women don’t tell random dudes they’re handsome; not unless they’re already in a relationship with them. In fact I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times a woman I wasn’t dating spontaneously told me I looked good.

Once. It’s happened exactly once.

I’ve gotten more compliments from pissed-off incels than I’ve gotten from women.

You want to know why they aren’t telling you that you’re hot on toast? Because we live in a culture that actively discourages it. We live in a culture that teaches us that male sexuality is aggressive, even predatory. Men are supposed to be the ones who make the advances and who take the lead when wooing women. Women are supposed to be passive and receptive, not to act but to be acted on. When women flout gender roles, guys get uncomfortable. Men almost immediately assume far more interest than actually exists, or presume that it’s a trick or a trap. I mean, if a woman were to tell you, HF, that you were actually attractive, would you believe her? Or would you immediately assume that she’s setting you up for an especially cruel joke?

So no, most women aren’t going to tell you that you’re hot. That has nothing to do with your looks and everything to do with the world we live in. We live in a world where male beauty was historically valued but hardly a priority and where men are currently discouraged from validating one another about how they look. Women, on the other hand are incredibly vocal and supportive of their friends, even strangers, in no small part because they don’t have the specter of “fag” looming over their heads. So you’re left without validation, without reassurance or comfort; your guy friends can’t provide it because guys are uncomfortable with expressing emotion or appreciation and women can’t provide it because guys freak out at them when they do.

Here’s another truth: your looks are incredibly malleable.

While you can’t do anything about your bone structure or your overall frame, it is almost mind boggling at how much minor changes can affect how you look. You talk about your chubby, egg-like face. This is less of an issue than you realize. At 18, you almost certainly aren’t done changing. The odds that the chub you still have on your face will melt away as you hit your 20s is rather astoundingly high, especially with your height and current weight. But even if it doesn’t, it’s incredibly easy to change the way that you look with even small changes. If you’re upset about the way that your face and head is shaped, simply changing your hair style can work wonders; anyone who’s been watching Queer Eye can tell you to never underestimate the transformative power of a hair cut. Letting the hair on top keep some length and allowing for some volume on the sides goes a long way towards adjusting the shape of your head and balancing things out. Similarly, some square or rectangular eyeglasses can give structure to a face that might need a bit more width towards the top. If you’re worried about a narrow jaw-line, consider a well-trimmed beard to fill things out.

But what about your ability to flirt? You have no experience to draw from! Well no s

t, but you do need to consider the vibe that you give off to others. If the only thing that you care about is superficial beauty, then why should anyone want to spend time with YOU? If you’re willing to dismiss people’s existence  – to see associating with them as shameful because they don’t pass the “You Must Be This Hot To Ride” test – then you’re ensuring that folks aren’t going to want to spend any time with you, regardless of whether you have an egg-shaped head or you wake up the next morning looking like Idris Elba.

But here’s the most important truth: you can change all of this. Like Ebenezer Scrooge pleading in his grave, you are not, in fact, out of time. You can take steps today that will change the trajectory of your life and help you become not just the man you want to be, but find the love and experience you’re looking for. But if you want to find love before you’re 25? Then you need to commit to making some changes. Not to your looks, but to your heart and your soul and your life.

Start with where you’re spending your time. Get the ever-loving f

t. Neither did I, chief. I had no game whatsoever growing up. I was awkward and uncomfortable and I didn’t find relationships so much as stumble into them. And that first one… well, I’ve written about that toxic situation at length before. Hell, even after my Long Dark Night of the Soul, my Batman moment when I fell into the PUA scene, didn’t immediately fix things for me. The fact that I now had a script to work from didn’t magically give me the gift of gab. In order to get better at flirting, I had to go out and practice flirting. That meant doing a lot of experimenting, trying to find the flirting style that worked best for me and, yes, being willing to make mistakes and look like an idiot. Nobody gets good at something, whether it’s sport or social skills, without putting in the work. If you want to get better at flirting, then you’re going to have to go out there and risk looking like a fool. It may be uncomfortable, but the question remains: are you willing to endure that discomfort in order to get better?

Here’s a more important truth: your looks aren’t going to hold you back. Not in the way that you think. Because, contrary to what you insist, your personality matters far more than you realize, much more than your looks do. 

I mean, William H. Macy is married with kids and he looks like Droopy Dawg. Steve Buscemi, he of the disturbing eyes, is married, with kids. Patrick Fischler, a man whose entire career is “that creepy looking dude” is, you guessed it, married with children. And I don’t know if you’ve seen Geoffry Arend, the guy that Christina Hendricks married, but let’s be real: People’s Sexiest Man he ain’t.

Except your personality? It kinda sucks, my dude. I mean, I get it. You’re 18. That’s an age that’s gonna exhaust people because you have that combination of energy, free time and self-generated drama. But the way that you go about is going to turn people off, no matter how much your face changes. You’re complaining about your looks and your lack of love, but you’re immediately turning around and insisting that women who aren’t the hottest of the hot aren’t worth your time. As much as you are longing for love and acceptance and possibly someone to look beyond your appearance – and let’s not forget that you’re not the most reliable judge here – you’re being as cruel and judgmental as the women you imagine are rejecting you. You’re not willing to extend the compassion and caring to others that you wish people would extend to you. And while I’m not saying that you need to lower your standards, the way you go about expressing them tells women everything they need to know about you as a person.

You say that you could care less about a woman’s personality unless she’s a 9 or a 10. You’d be ashamed to be seen with a woman who’s “merely” average. Why would any woman, regardless of her beauty, want to date someone who’s that casually cruel? That’s the ugliness you should be concerning yourself with, not the shape of your face or the way that you smile.

Which reminds me: you REALLY need to drop “…like a disabled person” comparisons from your vocabulary. That sort of ableism ain’t helping your case either.

Like I said, this doesn’t mean that you need to lower your standards to “just barely above non-existent” or any such bulls

k off whatever boards you’re reading that’ve been dripping poison in your ear and encouraging you to slice up your self-esteem and spend some time around people who actually love and care about you. If your friends are the ones telling you to STFU because you’re a virgin? Then get a better class of friend, because those guys sound like assh

*s. You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. So ask yourself: what kind of person do you want to be? One who has love to give, who supports and cares for others? Or who casually dismisses people for bulls

t reasons? The people you surround yourself with, the places where you spend your time… these all directly affect who you are as a person. If you want to be a quality, high-value man, then you need to put some serious thought into where you invest your time and your friendship.

Next, get thee to a therapist. You’re drowning in self-loathing my dude and it’s poisoning everything about you. You need to spend some time talking about these feelings and these issues with an actual, honest-to-God mental and emotional health professional. One of the most important qualities to have in order to date is to be in good working order, emotionally and the fact is: you ain’t there. The sooner you start talking to a counselor or therapist, the sooner you can unpack these feels, dig into the source and learn how to let go of all that pain.

After you’ve spent time with a therapist and working on your mind, THEN you can start to work on your dating skills. And the only way you can do that is to go out into the field. Now, there are some best practices to follow; I’ve written literal books on the subject (New Game +: The Geek’s Guide to Love, Sex and Dating - available from Amazon and iTunes!). But at the end of the day, there is no way to grind out those levels in social skills without actually using them. So you’re going to need to take risks, make mistakes, collect some scars and just put yourself out there. It’ll be hard. It’ll be uncomfortable. But at the end of the day, it will be worth it.

Things aren’t as bad as you think they are, HF. You’re not doomed by genetics or cursed by a twist of fate. You’re just young, with a bad attitude and a heart full of pain. The sooner you fix those, the sooner you’ll be in a good place to start finding the love you’re looking for.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am in a happy relationship of nearly 5 years, I love my girlfriend and we are both very happy. Around 1 year ago I felt like I needed more close relationships with other people. I told my girlfriend I was polyamorous and that although I loved her, I wanted more than one intimate relationship.

It has since been a year that I have told her how I feel but we have swept it under the rug. This is because she would not be happy with me having more than 1 romantic relationship and I don’t want to leave her.

This is a dilemma. She is the girl I want to marry. However I feel like I need to discover what I really want, and I don’t think I’ve been given a chance to do this. I don’t want her to be unhappy.

I have since told my girlfriend that I am happy with monogamy, because I feel so strongly about her and I really want our relationship to work.

Thank you for reading!

More Love To Give

DEAR MORE LOVE TO GIVE: Let me make sure I have this straight, MLTG because your phrasing’s a bit ambiguous. You want a poly relationship because you want to find what you actually want, is that right? Because, quite frankly, the way you phrase things makes it sound like you’re saying you want to play the field to figure out what actually want while still having your girlfriend. And… that’s kind of a problem in general. It’s a really BIG problem if that’s how you pitched it to your girlfriend.

Now to back up a little bit, let’s talk about the difference between an open relationship and a polyamorous one. An open relationship in general means that you’re not sexually exclusive to your partner; the specifics and the rules involved tend to vary from couple to couple, but it tends to be more about sexual relationships. A polyamorous relationship, on the other hand, is not having an emotionally exclusive relationship with your partner.  Again, the style tends to vary dramatically from couple – some poly groups are equilateral triangles where everyone’s involved with the other equally, others involve a single person who’s with two (or more) partners who are not involved with each other. All variations can get pretty complicated pretty quickly and require some serious social calibration, emotional intelligence and incredibly clear and open communication with everyone involved. A polyamorous relationship – regardless of the structure – is dating on steroids and all the stresses and duties of a relationship are multiplied. It can seem awesome from an outside perspective – the harem fantasy, anyone? – but in real life it can explode very quickly and all over the place.

If you seriously want to pursue a non-monogamous relationship, I suggest you do your research. Read The Ethical Slut, Opening Up and More Than Two, so that you’ll have the toolset and the vocabulary to negotiate and manage an open or poly relationship. Maintaining a polyamorous relationship is varsity-level dating when it’s poly from the start. Trying to turn a long-term, monogamous relationship into a poly one is basically pro-level dating. The idea of opening up a relationship sexually is often easier, interestingly enough; there’re more cultural models for getting some on the side than there are for the idea that you can have romantic love for more than one person at the same time.

And that’s part of what’s going to make things difficult. Your girlfriend went into this relationship – quite reasonably – assuming that you and she were on the same page. Making that big of a change to the terms of your relationship? Especially if the two of you haven’t had any sort of serious discussion about how it would work and what it would look like? That’s going to be a very hard shift to make.

So that’s one problem right there. Now here’s the other:

You’ve basically kicked it back under the rug and said “never mind, just kidding.” If polyamory is something you seriously want to pursue, then that really was a bad precedent to set. While I get that this seems like best way to make things work with your girlfriend, you’ve basically given yourself a short-term fix to a long-term problem. If you’re not genuinely OK with monogamy… well, all you’ve done is set yourself up for a break-up down the road instead of ending it now, before things get more entangled and harder to end cleanly. It’s also going to suck more for your girlfriend, especially if she thinks that the entire time you were with her, you were wishing you could be with someone else… even if that’s “someone else as well“.

You’re going to have to make a decision, MLTG: which do you want more? Your relationship with your current girlfriend? Or a polyamorous one? You’re not going to be able to have both.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a bit of a complicated sexual and emotional situation that I’m looking for some insight into. There’s a lot of NSFW detail in here, but it’s important to understanding the situation.

So I’m a cis woman and my partner of almost a year (since March 2015) is a trans woman, K. She’s assigned male at birth and pre-gender-affirmation surgery. My relationship with her is the longest one I’ve ever had (my previous longest was two months, to give you an idea of my background).

When we first started dating, I was able to give K two to three orgasms in one session – with some down-time in between, of course, but still pretty closely timed. That gradually stopped, and for the past few months (I’m not sure exactly when), orgasm has been almost exclusively “one-and-done” for her…at least when we’re together.

See, K and I also made the decision to open up our relationship in early September. We started out by getting together on two separate occasions for a threesome with a cis-woman friend of hers, G, who also had a couple dates with K without me there. During the threesomes K was obviously able to orgasm much more than with me alone, which made sense. However, that was also the case when K and G had solo dates; K was able to have multiple orgasms in one night with G, but that is no longer something that K does with me.

K and I did close up our relationship in October when school got busier, but in the past month we have reopened it, again with G being K’s friend-with-benefits. It’s still the case that K is able to go for multiple rounds every evening she spends with G alone, but not when she’s with me alone. Now obviously, this makes me feel like total crap.

My brain is telling me I used to be attractive enough and exciting enough to make her want me, but now we’ve been together long enough that I’m boring and unattractive to her, and that’s never going to change. I’ve brought these concerns to K, and she’s 1) felt guilty as hell that I feel unwanted, and 2) tried to tell me that it’s not “better” with G than it is with me; it’s just different, and she still does desire me sexually even though we interact differently now. It’s just really hard for me to believe this – after all, there’s a quantitative difference between one orgasm and two or three, right? And one is simply measurably better than the other.

I don’t know what to do at this point. Our relationship has always been very honest and supportive, and I don’t want to ruin it with my own irrational insecurity on this issue. I simply don’t know what I could do to make myself believe that I’m desirable and exciting again. K suggested watching porn for extra stimulation so she can go a second round with me, and we tried that, but it ended up making me feel even worse because it’s a reminder that she used to be able to do that with only me being the stimulation, and now I’m no longer exciting enough to make that happen.

Literally anything you have to say would be appreciated here.

Thanks for your time,

Going Back for Seconds

DEAR GOING BACK FOR SECONDS: Your jerkbrain’s going nuts, GBS and it’s making you miserable. Let me help you out a little.

First and foremost: sexual desire and performance is a strange beast in mammals. We’re sexually wired in all sorts of weird ways that cause a lot of stress because our genitals don’t always play nice with our social mores. K’s not wrong when she says “it’s different”. This is actually a factor of biology, and something that trips people up all the time in long-term relationships. In scientific circles, the way we respond sexually to new partners vs. the same partner is known as the Coolidge Effect; it describes the way that the dopamine spike from sex drops when people mate repeatedly with the same partner. In layman’s terms: our bodies start getting used to our partners as we get more familiar with them and the novelty fades. Being with a new partner ramps the dopamine spike back up because, well, they’re new and different.

But new and different doesn’t mean better. It just means different. Similarly, familiar doesn’t mean worse or boring. Those are labels your jerk-brain is throwing up because it’s trying to tell you that something’s wrong and it’s all your fault.

You’re going through something every couple goes through. Sexual passion ebbs and flows in a relationship. It’s hot and heavy in the early days, then settles into something less frantic but more intimate over time… but it can come right back too. The fact that you’re at a (relatively) low ebb has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship, your feelings for one another or how attractive you are to each other. It’s just part of a cycle that everyone goes through.

Second of all: Don’t conflate the number of orgasms or length of the refractory period with the quality of the orgasms or the strength of the connection. How many times a person orgasms or how are dependent on so many factors that are completely separate from attraction that you can’t really make any qualitative statements about “what they mean”. Hell, people with penises and prostates tend to have stronger orgasms, with correspondingly higher levels of ejaculate, when they believe their partner’s had sex with someone else. This serves as a way to flush out the competitor’s sperm. It also happens to feel good, in the way that only a mind-blowing orgasm can. That doesn’t mean that they suddenly find their partner that much more attractive; it’s just a weird quirk of being a primate.

So let’s put number of orgasms aside and look at behavior. It doesn’t sound like K’s neglecting you sexually or that she’s avoiding sex with you in order to sleep with G. In fact, it sounds like K’s doing a fair amount of work to make things work – and that’s more important than how many times she orgasms with one person or another.

In fact, K’s doing one of the things I advise couples to do when the passion starts to dip: she’s bringing more novelty into the experience. Watching porn together is one of the ways for couples to change things up. You might also try having different kinds of sex – experimenting with kink, sexting, dirty talk, taking it to new and different places (literally)… getting out of the tried and true and trying the new and different to kick off the same chemicals you had shooting through your brains when you first got together.

But let’s focus on this fact: she’s trying to show you that she still finds you attractive. Sometimes you have to be willing to take “yes” for an answer and realize your jerkbrain is a lying liar as what tells lies.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)