DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My husband and I are about to reach our ten year anniversary and are in the midst of preparing for a 2,000 mile move. I say both of these things first and foremost because I want it to be known that we are a lifetime couple with no plans of leaving one another.

However, in the past two years, my husband has been feeling neglected. We have sex almost every day, and on the days we don’t, I am made very aware of it.

His work schedule requires him to wake up between 7:30 and 8:30 in the morning. Mine requires me to be awake at 4:30 in the morning. About 90% of the time we don’t have sex, it’s because it is so late at night and I only have about 5 hours to sleep before work.

I am writing to you because we are having sex at least 5 times a week and it is still not enough for him. Any time we do not have sex, he holds it against me for hours, sometimes days.

The problem I am running into is that the more he gets upset or angry with me over these “missed encounters”, the more that sex becomes an act of duty, not intimacy.

I have tried explaining to him that when he gets angry, it lowers my emotional and sexual confidence to a point where I feel like I will never succeed. I have also told him that his reactions to our not having sex are far stronger than his reactions after we do. His response was simply that not having sex is “not an option”. For him to be happy, he must have sex two times a day, and he does not understand why I don’t just “fix the problem” and do as he asks.

I have never asked a friend or a family member about this as I do not want them to judge our relationship. But I need to know what “enough” sex is. Or maybe I need to know how to increase my sex drive or how to plan a sex schedule. Maybe all I need to know is that I am doing an okay job as a wife.

I just need someone to help me because I don’t want to lose my best friend down the line because of unchecked anger or latent resentment.

Any advice would help.

Trouble Brewing

DEAR TROUBLE BREWING: The problem isn’t how often you’re having sex, TB. The problem is the way your husband is acting. Because… well, holy gods, goddesses and assorted minor deities he’s acting like a giant bag of d

ks right now.

Let’s start off with the obvious: you’ve been together for damned near ten years now and you’re still having 5 times a week. That’s not just impressive, that’s downright rare. I know couples who’ve been together a tenth as long as you have who’re having sex five times a month.

The pesky thing about relationships – especially monogamous ones – is that passion tends to fade over time. This is known as the Coolidge Effect; humans have reduced interest in sex with the same partner (or partners) over time only to have that passion renewed when confronted with a new partner. When we partner up exclusively with someone for the long term, we have to confront the fact that our sexual desire for one another can diminish. Despite how this sounds, this is actually something of a feature not a bug; that initial rush of passion and desire (ideally) turns into something deeper and more emotionally intimate and prompts increased bonding on the emotional level. Moreover, there are many ways of rekindling that spark with one’s partner and bringing that “new relationship energy” rushing back.

What can I say? Humans are complex beasties when you get under the hood.

So it’s important to acknowledge for the sake of perspective that the two of you are already having a lot of sex, much more than most couples who’ve been together as long as you two have.

Now in any relationship there’s almost always going to be an imbalance of libidos. Even with two high-libido people, one person is likely going to want it more than another and it’s important to find a compromise that works for both parties. Sometimes that means defaulting to the preferred schedule of the person with the lower sex-drive. Sometimes it means that the person with the lower libido lends a helping hand (or mouth or vibrator or what-have-you) on occasion without having full-on sex. But the important part is that it’s done in a respectful and loving way, with both partners in mutual agreement. As you say: sex is a matter of love and intimacy (not to mention getting one’s rocks off) not a matter of duty and obligation.

And your husband, TB? He’s pretty much being the opposite of respectful and loving. In point of fact: he’s being a little s

t over this. It’s one thing to want more sex than one is getting – some folks want tons and tons of sex and that’s just fine – it’s another entirely when the other partner turns it into a matter of emotional blackmail when she or he doesn’t get their way. And that’s exactly what your husband is doing right how: he’s trying to pressure you emotionally into doing what he wants without any regard for how much this is hurting you. And the fact that he gets angry when you try to explain that to him… well, to be perfectly honest, that’s kind of a huge goddamn red flag.

Look, I’m going to come out and say it: this is at the very least borderline abusive behavior if not actual abuse.

And here’s the part that really gets under my skin: you’re taking what is very much his problem and internalizing it into something being wrong with you and holy hell, TB, you are not the one at fault there. I want you to understand this. This isn’t about you not being a good wife. Hell, you sound like you’re going above and beyond the proverbial call of duty here. The problem isn’t your libido. The problem isn’t his libido. The problem isn’t about a sex schedule. I mean, with your wonky work schedules, you’re still finding time to have sex five times a week (and I’m really hoping this is sex you’re both enjoying and not something you’re doing to get him off your back). The problem is the the way your husband is treating you over this.

I mean, let’s be honest here – there are plenty of ways the man can get his itch scratched without pressuring you in ways that make you want to curl up and die inside. If he needs to get off twice a day and three times on Sundays, he could easily spring for a Fleshlight or a Tenga and pound away for those times when the two of you are busy. It’s an easy way of satisfying one’s needs when their partner isn’t available. But that’s not the issue.

The issue is that he’s turning this into the club that he’s beating you over the head with.

I’m going to recommend is that you look into some couple’s counseling. You need to be able to express how you feel about this without your husband getting angry and shutting you down. Having a third party may well help facilitate this and hopefully will help the two of you find a way to make things work for the both of you.

You should also look into some private counseling for yourself because you’re internalizing his problems and blaming yourself instead of him.

If he won’t go to counseling and won’t compromise… well look, you say you don’t want to leave him. OK, fine, I’ll try to respect that. But you need to recognize that the way he’s treating you is not healthy. Not for you and not for your relationship. This isn’t about anger or resentment, this is about behavior. Relationships are about communication and compromise… and he’s not doing either.

Right now he’s hurting you. If he’s not willing to talk to you, to listen to your concerns and to work with you, then he’s showing you he doesn’t respect you.  This is not how a friend and lover behaves. This is the behavior of someone who just wants to use you.

Like I said: counseling. For the two of you and for you by yourself. And if he isn’t willing to work at this… well, you have some decisions to make.

Good luck, TB. And please check back in to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a nerd-girl, moderately attractive, so I find myself being the one initiating relationships (and sadly ending them.) Recently I asked out a fellow college student of mine over Facebook. We know each other through a gaming club, but we don’t get to talk much because it’s a large club, and I don’t see him other than that because he’s a theater major and I’m a science major. I decided to ask him out after two jokes he told; one on binary, the other on medieval weaponry.

I asked him if I could buy him a coffee, he responded immediately saying yes, and then we scheduled a time. My main issue is this:

Is it a date?

and

How do I know if he knows it’s a date?

Have I Made A Huge Mistake

DEAR HAVE I MADE A HUGE MISTAKE: There’s a part of me that’s absurdly tempted to link to one of a dozen ongoing hot takes and thought pieces on the whole “kids these days don’t go on dates they just ‘hang out'” idea that goes along with tut-tutting about hook-up culture but honestly? Most of the problem comes from people coasting on the ambiguity of the situation; a sort of Schrödinger’s Date that can be both A Date and Not A Date at the same time, so that one or both parties can save face if it turns out that the other person’s not into them. The irony, of course, is that trying to avoid that fear of rejection actually ends up making things worse as everyone tries to figure out whether this is A Date or not and respond accordingly.

(And then it gets especially bad when you’re dealing with same-sex dates. Is this a friend thing, or are they hoping for some smoochies at the end of it?1 )

But here’s the thing: rejection isn’t as bad as all that. It stings, sure, but like ripping off a bandage, it’s better to do it quick and clean than to drag it out. If someone’s not into you, it’s far better to find out before you’ve invested time and money into them, even if you’re just talking about the span of a half hour and the price of a cup of coffee.

Now, there’re times when it’s more likely that you can assume that a) yes, it’s a date and b) they know it’s a date. Met at a bar? Probably a date. Some flirtiness, some physical contact, especially beyond what most would consider to be friendly-touchy-feely? Almost certainly a date. Person making a point of buying the other person coffee/dinner/what-have-you? Well… there’s a little ambiguity if you squint (or, if like many nerds, you don’t believe that other people could find you attractive) but likely a date.

But you know how you can make sure that they know it’s a date? Spell it out for them. Ideally when you’re asking them out, but at least while you’re on the date. If you’re feeling especially shy or awkward about trying to wedge the d-word in, you can always bankshot it with “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you out for a while…”which not only feels less intimidating but allows for both a subtle compliment (you’ve been into him for a bit) but can play on the nerd cliche of “bashfully forward” that many people find appealing.

And if he still doesn’t get it… well, sometimes you just have to beat a person about the head and shoulders with a clue-by-four. Or, y’know. Just plant one on him and hope he doesn’t assume you tripped and just ended up on his lips.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My wife and I have been married for 3 years now. From the very beginning we had an amazing sex life. Our relationship has always been very sexual, pushing the envelope and sex has always been a big part of my life. We have a 2 year old son together now and I love him more than anything in this world.

The issue is that since he was born my wife is more and more a mother and not as much of a sexual partner and it seems to get worse and worse. I understand that things have changed and do not expect 100% of her attention, but I still have needs. We have sex several times a week and she does still humor me with the kinkier things that I like and crave – anal sex, toys, light bondage, etc… but the problem is that it is always a halfhearted attempt in which it is a job to her, therefore, neither of us can fully enjoy any them. Which makes it more of a chore for her the next time, and so on, and so forth.

This has steadily gotten worse and worse. There are some things that I have recently discovered about myself and my sexual desires that I was not aware of before or that I simply put off as wrong or something that others would not accept. These include bi-sexual desires, group sex, swapping, seeing her with anther man, deeper into bondage, d/s roleplay, etc…

We recently vacationed at Desire as kind of a test the waters type of vacation. We agreed that if the situation was right and everyone involved was comfortable we would explore these things together, starting very slowly. Night one, before any water testing was done by either of us, we have an argument because I felt misled after she told me that I was going to have to decide whether it was her (our marriage) or these things. I chose her, obviously.

The problem that I am experiencing is that I cannot simply forget these things. I cannot change my sexual urges. It kills me because I would honestly give her anything in the world she wanted or needed to be happy. It truly makes me happy to make her happy. I feel that her forcing me to make this choice is not fair, and at the same time realize that she did not “sign up for this” from the beginning so it is her choice not to accept it.

Since we have gotten back from our vacation she told me that she hates doing some of the kinkier things we now already do. That she is vanilla and I am becoming more and more um, un-vanilla-y, and that I have to decide if I can live without these things. Not for the time being until things are on solid ground, not until she gets over her trust issues and feels comfortable, Never. (By trust issues I am referring to her family/parents, not in a sexual way. I have never been unfaithful to her either.)

Now I feel like I could never tell her anything else about my sexual desires/kinks/etc… because its like she is disgusted by them. We are living in constant turmoil due to all of this. What do we do? I have asked her if we could open our marriage so that I could get these things somewhere else and she said no. She does not know about my bi-sexual urges. I stayed at work late last night trying to put all of this into words and let her know that it is not just some off the cuff idea I have, that it is actually a need I feel.

As I said, we are still dealing with this issue. So I call her on the way home from work and tell her that I have something I want her to read because I have a hard time expressing myself when I’m upset. She told me “I’ve already told you that you can forget about it completely, forever or we need to get a divorce”. I am not mad because she does not want this, I’m mad because she is forcing me to choose. Am I blowing this all out of proportion and need to just accept what I have? For some reason I am stuck thinking that I cannot have both. Any advice would be extremely helpful.

Sexless in Seattle

DEAR SEXLESS IN SEATTLE: Hoo boy.

These are the letters I hate getting SiS because I can feel the urgency radiating from it, that last-ditch hope that maybe somebody has the magic answers that will make everything better.

And I don’t.

I’m not surprised that your sex life slowed down after your son was born; that’s perfectly normal. Not only are there hormonal changes – in men and women – that crater people’s sex-drives after childbirth, but having children makes sex a logistical nightmare. Child care becomes your number one priority and lesser needs – like, y’know, sleep – tend to fall by the wayside and never quite recover until the kid’s out of the house.

It’s a testament to your wife’s commitment to you and your love-life that she’s been going out of her way to keep you satisfied; she’s putting in some heroic efforts to make things work… especially considering that it’s increasingly clear that she hates doing it.

And therein lies the problem.

What you’ve got here, SiS is a nasty case of sexual incompatibility. You have needs that your wife not only doesn’t share but is apparently actively repulsed by. I’m a big believer in sexual communal strength – what Dan Savage refers to as Good, Giving and Game – being an important part of a relationship but part of being GGG means not doing things that repulse you or otherwise leave you crying in the shower. And it’s pretty clear that your wife has been going above and beyond and doing those things that she can’t stand.

Don’t get me wrong, SiS; I’m not saying you’re the bad guy here. Neither is your wife. The problem is that you want things that your wife can not and will not provide, nor is she interested in opening things up so that you can get your needs met discretely elsewhere. I don’t think it’s right of her to refuse to even listen (or read, in this case) what you have to say about the matter, but it’s fairly clear that she’s drawn the line: she won’t help you satisfy those desires. At the same time, it’s not as though she hasn’t tried – apparently to the point of emotional self-harm – so I can’t fully blame her either. This whole situation is a perfect storm of bad news.

And unfortunately, the only way this whole thing could’ve been to recognize this incompatibility in the first place, before it made everyone involved miserable.  If I had the keys to the TARDIS, maybe we could’ve gone back and you could realize that those half-hearted attempts at keeping you happy were a sign that she couldn’t stand things and you could have addressed this problem earlier.

But I don’t and you can’t.

I hate saying this, SiS, but I think this marriage is effectively over. You want very different things and there really is no way to square this particular circle without causing some pretty severe psychic harm to someone – either you have to suppress your desires or she has to do things that shred her soul. I think the best thing you could possibly do to salvage anything from this relationship is to end things as amicably as possible. It’s not an easy decision to make but I think it’s the kindest; you’re giving each other the freedom to find someone who’s more compatible with you while not trying to raise your son in this family dynamic of tension and turmoil and resentment. It would also mean that you’re in a better position to be if not friends, then at least on good terms, as you work as co-parents to your son.

I wish I had happier advice for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve noticed that I am wasting 1-2 hours of my time talking with my girlfriend every day. To me, it’s just a huge waste of time. I mean I do have other things to get done. When I try to get her to stop talking and tell her I have to go she just gets mad and says “Fine, you don’t want to talk to me, I see how it is” or something similar to that. GOD I HATE TALKING ON THE PHONE. I don’t think I have ever talked to any of my guy friends over the phone for more than 3 minutes.

I do love her. I love her a lot. We meet every weekend and spend great time together. But I don’t like wasting 1-2 hours every day talking about useless stuffs with her.

What should I do? I want to spend less time talking with her on the phone (about 30 mins a day would be good) without hurting her feelings.

Hope you can help, Dr NerdLove.

No Small Talk

DEAR NO SMALL TALK: Phrasing is everything. I get what you’re saying, NST, but I don’t think you realize how you’re coming across – both to me and, more to the point, to your girlfriend.

If you tell your girlfriend that you view talking to her as wasting your time, she’s going to very understandably feel insulted; you’re basically telling her that you find her wanting to share her life with you to be pointless. That’s pretty damn rude, especially for someone you care about.

Personally, I’m of the mind that spending some time sharing your day with your partner isn’t a big deal but hey, that’s how I roll.

Also, it ain’t great when she responds in such a passive-aggressive manner, but you’re the one who wrote in so let’s focus on you.

What you need to do is explain how you feel without insulting her or telling her that you feel her sharing her day with you is a waste. You want to frame it in terms of your communication style, not a judgement on her. Explain that you just aren’t comfortable talking for long periods on the phone, with anyone – it’s just not how you’re wired; once you go past 30 minutes, you start getting antsy. You’d much rather catch up and spend time in person, when you can give her your full and undivided attention, rather than feeling like you’re having to split your time between her and the things you need to get done and not giving sufficient attention to either.

If she’s not down for trying to keep things to 30 minutes at a time, perhaps you can reach a compromise. Maybe you can email back and forth, when you’re able to control the pace and respond when you’re not feeling like you need to work on other things. Perhaps you could text.

Just don’t tell her that you find talking to her for longer than 30 minutes to be a waste. That’s just going to be insulting no matter how you phrase it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m almost a 40 years man and I’m in a relationship for about 20 years with a woman almost my age.

We’ve got our moments of pain and the last year we decided to break it because there were too many problems. She was depressed, not diagnosed but it was evident: she stopped taking care of herself, stopped working, we stopped having sex, we stopped doing things together. It went on for 4 years.

I tried to help without success, I tried to take her to a doctor but she didn’t want to so… I did not cheat or anything, but I was not happy and tried to search someone else, so I left her. We kept in touch.

In the meantime she changed, a lot, she found a job, lost some pounds, she was back to the living and I fell in love again. Now we’re back together and now I’m happy, but also worried.

We have a lot of common interests, we’re watching movies, playing games, nerding out all day long, cuddling and having sex often, but she seems interested only in my head and not the rest of me.

I have to say that I started taking care of myself too, building some muscles, taking a haircut once a month, but she’s not interested in all of that, and this bugs me. A lot.

I always point out how beautiful and intelligent she is (and she is, believe me), but she never compliment me on anything, and I need to know if she likes me. I mean: she says yes when I ask directly but then points out that it’s not fair that she have to comfort me on my confidence problems. I’m as confident as the next guy, but obviously never hearing some feedback makes me wonder if I have some issues with my appearance or anything else. She never say anything mean about me, physically at least.

I even asked her why she doesn’t do anything to seduce me, maybe some makeup, flirt a little, some lingerie, but she gets angry, accusing me of wanting to take her out of her comfort zone, and saying that it’s stupid to ask that an intelligent woman like herself to do such things. And this is bulls

t I think, the issue must be something else.

To be honest it does not take a big toll on my confidence, and I don’t feel abused or stuff like that, but after 20 years would be nice to feel seduced and sexy for my significant other, it would give me some peace. The sex is great but that’s not everything I think. I don’t know, I feel like I need some reassurance that everything’s really ok.

I thought that maybe she’s just shy, or insecure, or maybe a consequence of her depression. But as I said going to a doctor is not something she’ll do, no matter how much I insist.

I’m just worried that our relationship will end again because she’s not really into me.

Need To Feel Wanted

DEAR NEED TO FEEL WANTED: OK NTFW, let’s start with the obvious: your wanting to feel wanted and appreciated by your girlfriend is completely legitimate and reasonable. It’s easy to say “of course she likes you, she’s your girlfriend, isn’t she?”, but as the saying goes, you’re not just a person, you’re also a piece of meat. You want to feel wanted by the person you love… and you’re not getting that from her.

And that, honestly, is not an unreasonable thing to ask for from your partner. It’s one thing if you’re a bottomless pit of need, constantly looking to your girlfriend for validation and never taking “yes” for an answer. And it’s not that you don’t believe that she doesn’t like you – after all, people rarely spend so much time with someone they don’t like.

But you, like a lot of people, would like some feedback. You’d like a little appreciation for the work you put into taking care of yourself. You’d like a little flirtiness, a little playfulness, some sense that she desires you, the way that you desire her. And yeah, if the sex is great, then the desire may be there… but there’s still something different about hearing someone you lust after tell you that they want to climb you like a tree.

So what we have here is a situation where you have emotional needs that aren’t getting met. And again: that’s real. That’s a legitimate need. And it sucks that you’re feeling this lack.

Now, where I think you’re wrong is in the origin of the problem. I don’t think the issue is that her depression has come back. Nor, for that matter, do I think that it’s a case of her feeling shy or insecure.

I think the issue is, at its core, that this isn’t how she expresses her affection for others.

There’s a lot of talk about “love languages” and the way that we tell our partners how we feel. Some do so through touch, others through acts of service. Some do it verbally and others do it through gifts or attention or presence. The problem arises when you have two people who don’t necessarily express their feelings in languages that the other person recognizes.

I suspect that what your girlfriend says and what you can hear are two different things. And that can be a problem. When you have two people who can’t at least understand each other’s language – as it were – then you have cases where someone’s needs aren’t getting met, even when the other person is trying to fulfill them.

And I suspect that some of this may arise from the fact that your girlfriend doesn’t find certain things necessary or desirable. The bit about her moving out of her comfort zone or being too intelligent to be seductive or wear lingerie is telling. A lot of times, we can treat sex and sexuality as being the opposite of intelligence; look at the stereotype of the blonde bimbo. She’s got a dynamite body and lips that could make a preacher kick in a stained glass window, but the light in her eyes is shining through the hole in the back of her head.

So it could well be that your girlfriend believes that being sexy or seductive isn’t something “smart” girls do; it’s the mark of a bimbo. And it could also be that she has some insecurities about her body or her sexuality that she masks by choosing to believe that they’re silly and dumb and beneath her.

Or… those could just not be things she values. She may not bring up your body or your looks because it doesn’t really factor into her appreciation for you. She may very well want you for your brain instead of your ass. And that just may be how she’s wired, and there’s nothing to be done about it.

Regardless of the reason, you two need to have a conversation about your needs. You’re not happy with how things are going and, frankly, things aren’t going to change on their own. So it’s time to have The Awkward Conversation, where you tell her what you’re afraid of, what you need, why things would be better if you two did the things that you need… and then give her space to share her view on things. If she doesn’t understand why you’re asking for the things you’re asking for, she may not realize how much you’re hurting. And if you don’t understand her side of things, then you may keep asking for things in ways that she can’t understand or for things that she can’t give.

This can be scary. It can bring up potential minefields in the relationship. It may reveal that the two of you just can’t meet each other’s needs. But it’s also the only way you can resolve things, ‘cuz it sure as hell ain’t going to solve itself.

But unless the two of you can get a decent translation of the other’s language?

Well, it’s just going to leave both of you annoyed and unfulfilled.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Should you bother staying friends with someone who all but ghosted you the moment he started dating someone? I’ve got a friend who started dating his roommate within weeks (maybe days) of moving in with her. Not long after that, he pretty much stopped hanging out with EVERYONE he knew. Most of us haven’t seen him ages, although he exists given that he occasionally contacts us. But he never seems eager or willing to spend time with us beyond the token response agreeing that we should do something some time…

Anyways, as somebody who spent so much time hanging out with this guy to the extent that folks asked me if there was something between us, I find it a bit disappointing that the guy would drop his closest friends the moment he started getting his dick wet, but if I’m not worth his time, I feel like he’s not worth mine anymore.

I probably won’t outright cut him out of my life, but I probably won’t put any effort into things anymore. So the real question is: Am I making the right choice?

Cheers!

– To Absent Friends

DEAR TO ABSENT FRIENDS: My dude, your friend is going through a fairly standard phase. He’s twitterpated. He’s hung up on the sex. He’s deep within the honeymoon period of a new relationship, when everything is amazing, his girlfriend is the most magical creature in the world and he gets erections that could break concrete just thinking about the curve of her neck.

This happens a lot – especially when you’re young and and new to dating. Folks get blissed out and spend all their time with their new squeeze because they’re mainlining dopamine straight to the pleasure centers of the brain.

Now there can be times when abandoning his friends is a sign of being isolated by an abusive partner, and that’s something to watch out for.

But odds are higher that he’s just caught up in the thrill of the new and banging out with someone hot.

What do you do? Give your boy some time. He’ll come back around again. The sex will slow down, the novelty will start to fade, and he’ll come up for air again and he’ll start to be more social again. So keep the lines of communication open and let him know you all still want to see him. Sex is exciting and can steal your attention away, but close, intimate friendships between men are rare and important. Don’t let something as silly as a new girlfriend come between the two of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)