DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you normally do dating advice, but I’ve seen you do marriage advice too.

I have been married to my husband for 9 years. We have three kids together.

Back when he and I were dating, I went to visit him out of town (same town where my parents lived) where he had an internship. He wanted to fool around and we really didn’t have a place to go (he was living with my parents for free during his internship) and so he wanted to fool around in the car. When we finally found an empty dark parking lot, he said he wanted to get in the backseat and I told him specifically that I didn’t want to. My ex had sexually assaulted me in a car, and although I didn’t understand that’s what happened at the time, I told my (then) boyfriend that my ex had been “gross” with me in a car and it made me gross out to mess around. This made my boyfriend snap and he started yelling at me “we better not have come out all this way for nothing!” For various reasons I complied. I was scared of losing him, I didn’t know anything about consent, so I just laid there looking at the ceiling while he helped himself to a hand job from me. I wanted to break up with him, but coming from a very abusive home, I quickly blocked what happened and moved on. And we got married. And our marriage sucked but I got pregnant right away.

Fast forward to 2016 during Trump’s election and I finally have the words for what he did to me and I confront him. We fight for weeks but he owns up to it and apologizes sincerely. On New Years Eve we have sex for probably one out of three times that year and I get pregnant. Things are still rough but my hope is that with everything in the open, a new baby on the way, we can turn over a new leaf. We don’t. Once, when we were going to go see a movie with a couple that he knew (he worked with the girl) we got into a fight and he asked what I wanted to do. Crying, I said, “Please, let’s just go home” Well, he pulls up to the movie theatre, gets out and tells me that the couple will drive him home. 

Then I find out that the girl he is working with is moving away. He and I were always very comfortable with each other having opposite sex friends, and he goes to three different going away parties for this girl. I am exhausted and pregnant, plus I am also childcare for our other kids so I stay home. He tells me he’s a social person and when I come home from work and lie in bed, it’s hard on him. So he goes out. Once, while we were watching a movie on his phone, the girl who left his work is lighting up his phone and it’s almost 10pm. She’s sending text after text. I don’t know what they say. But the next day, I look at the texts. Husband and I have always felt fine with having the password for each other’s phones. Once or twice a week, we’d lose a phone and use the other’s phone to call the missing phone. I’d grab his phone if it was close to look stuff up etc.

I see texts that talk about them having lunch together. Daily. She’s talking about crying because she doesn’t want to leave. He tells her he hopes our daughters grow up to be like her. He talks about feminist theory with her. Etc. Nothing sexual. But he did lie. He told me they rarely spent time together. I pressed him on several details about the time they spent together. He lied. And after I asked a few questions about her (he didn’t know I looked through his phone) the next day, he changed his password of two years.

Once I saw that he changed his phone I told him I had seen their conversations. I told him that he had been lying about how much time they were spending together. I told him to stop texting her.

He didn’t. I caught him replying to a text she sent him about something innocuous. And then magically, she didn’t text him anymore. There were other text convos in his phone with other women. One where he told her he likes having deep conversations and low key flirting, but I can tell that she was trying to keep things friendly so I wasn’t as worried about that.

Here’s the thing. He says he didn’t sleep with the woman who he became glued to while I was pregnant. He says he didn’t have feelings for her but when I press, he doesn’t say she didn’t have feelings for him. But he lied and lied and lied to me about how much time they spent together until I told him I read his texts, and his face turned white. “Believe what you want but nothing happened.” And he was trying to making me feel like I was crazy until I had black and white proof. So I have no idea if he really took it too far with this girl.

There are very, very complicated reasons why I haven’t left, but I need to know, from a guy’s perspective, am I making this too much of a big deal?

- Doubting

DEAR DOUBTING:  I realize that you’ve got complicated reasons why you haven’t left but… Jesus H. Zombie, you really need to leave this guy. Honestly, I think you would be infinitely happier if you’d dumped him when he freaked out at you for not wanting to fool around in a way that triggered memories of having been sexually assaulted. This relationship is profoundly toxic under the most generous interpretation and it’s clearly been getting worse over time.

But hey, that’s not what you’re asking me about. You’re asking me about your husband’s behavior and if you’re blowing things out of proportion.

And honestly? I don’t think you are. Leaving my opinions about whether you should stay married to this guy aside, this is some hinky crap under the most generous of readings. Now, I’m a big believer in the value of close, emotionally intimate friendships, even when they’re between opposite sex friends. If someone is socially inexperienced, this can occasionally cause issues. Because straight men are taught that emotional intimacy is a precursor to (or equivalent to) romantic attraction, and we’re taught that women are the only people we’re allowed to be emotionally intimate with, then this can blur lines. Straight guys will often round up their friendship with women to attraction because… well, we’re actually able to be close with them. It’s not a feeling that a lot of men experience.

There’s also a phenomena known as “work spouses” – people who from an intimate (but platonic) relationship at work. There’s a closeness that can echo a romantic relationship, even when there’s no actual sex or romance involved. But to an outside observer, it could very well seem like they’re an actual couple.

So, under other circumstances, I could see why a really close friendship between a man and a woman could be read as a potential affair or even an emotional affair, even when it’s nothing of the sort.

But these aren’t those circumstances.

First there’s the fact that this has been going on during your pregnancy, at a time when you’re doing all of the work around the house and managing the kids. He’s complaining that your exhaustion is a problem for him because he’s oh so social. That alone is some lousy behavior on his part. Marriage and parenthood are, amongst other things, a series of compromises. Some of those compromises include understanding that when you have kids – and another on the way – then things change. The sex is going to be more infrequent and less involved because nobody’s got the time or the energy. Similarly, socializing is going to take a back seat to child care and household responsibilities. And while it’s good to make time so that you both don’t lose your minds in the process… well, the fact that he’s laying the blame at your feet for not entertaining him after you’ve been working yourself to exhaustion is thoughtless and selfish at best. At worst, it’s contemptuous of you.

The fact that he’s prioritizing his relationship with this woman is telling because it’s coming at a period where he feels he’s not getting his emotional, social and (presumably) sexual needs met. So it seems fairly clear that he’s decided to get those needs met elsewhere.

Now under other circumstances, this could be seen as a smidge selfish but ultimately harmless. But your husband’s behavior isn’t that of someone having a harmless, even slightly flirty friendship with someone he works with. To start with, there’s the contempt he treats you with, including bailing out of the car and declaring that she and her partner would take them home. Then there’s the way he talks with her, sharing intimacy, jokes and the like. This wouldn’t be such a big deal, except for the fact that this is intimacy and closeness that he’s denying to you. He’s neglecting you in order to pursue this relationship with his coworker.

And then there’s the lying. While I’m a believer that even married people have their right to privacy and secrecy from their partners, the fact that he lied to you about the duration and nature of his relationship with her is a pretty big goddamn sign that he knows he’s crossing a line. There’s keeping a secret because you know it would cause unnecessary drama with one’s partner, and then there’s keeping secrets because you know that you’ve breaking someone’s trust. He may not be sleeping with her – and to be honest, I question that – but he knows that what he’s doing ain’t kosher.

This is, of course, compounded by the fact that he’s been texting with other women, including one where he was pretty clearly fishing for more than just conversation. Sure, one can have flirty friendships without compromising a monogamous commitment… but again, this is part of a continuous pattern of behavior on the part of your husband.

But most of all there’s the fact that he’s low-key gaslighting you over this. The insistences that you’re crazy, that you’re overreacting, making too big of a deal of something that’s clearly innocent and moving the goal posts on what “proof” is acceptable all compound his behavior into one giant, toxic sundae.

So, yes, Doubting. This is a big goddamn deal. He may never have put any part of himself into any part of her (and I’m willing to bet that he has), but this is behavior I would be willing to call an emotional affair. If we take his behavior in isolation, then at best, he’s been neglecting you in order to pursue an intimate relationship with someone else. At best. However, we can’t separate it from his history of behavior with you, the contempt he treats you with and the callous disregard for your feelings and the relationship that the two of you share.

So from this guy’s perspective, yeah, you have every right to be pissed about all of this. This is awful, toxic behavior that’s in line with awful, toxic behavior he’s been exhibiting for the duration of your relationship.

This isn’t going to get better. No amount of love, effort or children are going to fix a relationship when one partner has so contemptuously checked out. I’m really hoping that you’re asking for my opinion because you’re looking for a casus belli to finally pull the trigger and leave his ass, Doubting. I hope this is the motivation to de-complicate things because, bluntly, you need to DTMFA and GTFO.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 13 year old, in 7th grade. Recently, I wrote an a note to my best friend anonymously in my 3rd period and stuck it in his locker. He read it, and because we’ve been best friends for 4 years, he knew my handwriting and told me he knew it was me…

Not only did I not think about my handwriting, but I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HIS LOCKER COMBO! So he immediately knew it was me. I told him is was a dare so he shrugged it off and we were still hanging out. Then he gave me his number, which is a huge step because he’s not allowed to have girl’s phone numbers, but his parents made an exception for me. So I don’t know whether to ask him out and risk my friendship or not ask him out. I really do like him and we have A LOT in common. I mean, heck, both of us have both of us have all 3 of our electives together. Band, Jazz Band, and Spanish. So IDK what to do…

You tell me…

Crushed Out

DEAR CRUSHED OUT: Honestly, CO, I’m a believer in getting in the habit of owning your feelings for people and being up front about it. Now to be fair: when you’re 13, attraction can feel complicated and weird. Thirteen year olds don’t have a lot of experience on top of the social craziness of junior high and the swirling mass of hormones and your brains changing and maturing. It’s like trying to play chess while riding a rollercoaster at the same time. So you’re not entirely wrong in that confessing your feelings for him might risk your friendship; the teen years are frustrating that way.

But here’s the thing. First of all: you’ve been best friends for years. That’s a pretty solid bond, especially at your age. That makes me think the two of you could pull this off. Second: he gave you his number after he found your note. Something tells me that he didn’t buy your line about it just being a dare. I suspect that he’s low-key trying to tell you he’s kinda into you too. So that’s a positive sign too.

Most importantly though: I think that getting used to telling people you like them instead of hiding it like a deep dark secret will serve you well growing up. Getting in the habit of being willing to act on your feelings early on helps keep you from situations where you’ve had a crush on someone for months or years and now you’re afraid to do anything because you’ve felt this way for so long that it feels like it would destroy you to be turned down. Telling someone you’re interested in them early on or asking them out on a date helps keep you from getting stuck in the middle of wanting to say something but being afraid to. Plus: acting sooner rather than later means that you don’t run the risk of someone else asking them out first.

I’m just sayin’, a whole lotta drama could be avoided if people spoke up about their crushes a lot freaking sooner.

Anyway, I’d suggest telling him you’d like to go out with him and if he’s not interested, hey that’s cool too, nothing’s going to have to change. People will take their lead from how you act. If you don’t act like it’s a big deal, then he won’t treat it like a big deal. And if he says no… well, maybe things will be awkward for a bit, but the two of you can push through that awkwardness and come through as friends on the other side.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is going to be a question that has been talked about a lot all over the internet; I’m writing this since I trust your judgement more than random dudes on Reddit or whatever.

I’m a straight/cis geeky guy from Finland (so sorry about my possibly weird English). I’m 27 and a virgin by pretty much any standard — that is, no physical or emotional intimacy with anyone ever.

To offer some background, I’ve always been really passionate about (and successful with) my studies, work and hobbies, but for the longest I had some serious social anxiety and probably also some form of depression (but I never sought help for it); for most of my university years I didn’t even have any friends. In early 2015 I started to seriously work on my social skills and style (your site and book have certainly helped me with this!) and seeing a therapist. It was roughly a year ago when I started getting actual compliments from my friends at work, sometimes from random people in bars etc.

So I thought about trying online dating and created a profile on OkCupid. Around here OKC is basically known as a dating site that’s especially popular among people who care about issues like feminism and social justice, and are generally left-wing/green, and this is why I joined OKC too.

I found lots of people who looked awesome based on their profiles (and who had high match percentages with me), but looking at their questions, I would very nearly always find that I have a serious red flag in my answers: any question about dating virgins or dealing with virginity comes up as a conflict or mismatch.

In my area I found *one* (1) woman who had a fair amount of answers and didn’t seem to consider virginity a deal-breaker, but I had a very low match percentage with her for other reasons.

So my virginity is a huge, huge deal. I should mention that apart from some Muslim immigrants, there are basically no people in my country who abstain from sex for religious reasons, which maybe explains why it’s unheard-of to be a virgin in your 20s, unlike in the US. I was really discouraged by this experience and ended up not messaging anyone.

So what should I do? I’m obviously not going to pick up some random girl from a nightclub who is too drunk to notice that I’m inexperienced, nor would I expect to learn anything from an experience like that. Is it unethical to try to seriously date someone while you’re hiding something that you KNOW would be a dealbreaker if they knew?

Never Been Kissed

DEAR NEVER BEEN KISSED: First of all, I want to give you full credit, NBK: you’re doing everything right. You’ve made a lot of improvements to your life and you’re dealing with some of those emotional issues in the best way possible. So, straight up: congratulations. You’ve made a lot of progress, and you should be proud of what you’ve achieved and the work you’ve been putting in. I want to see you continue to improve, so let’s get you over this particular hurdle.

As is frequently common, I think the problem you’re having is different from the problems you think you’re having, NBK. You seem to be having a lot more issues with things in theory rather than in practice. Right now, you’re letting your impression of how people may react get in the way of taking the plunge and starting some conversations. And hey, I get it; you’ve been living with the idea that being a virgin is shameful for a long time and it can seem like these mismatches are giant dealbreakers. To which I would say… maybe they are. But maybe they aren’t.

Now, before I get too deep into the weeds with OKCupid’s system (which, in fairness, gets tweaked fairly often), let’s talk a little about virginity and disclosure.

First: there’s really nothing shameful about being an older virgin. Most of the stigma surrounding virginity tends to spring from toxic ideas surrounding masculinity – though God knows that women get hit with this too. Some people are late bloomers. Some people had life-circumstances that precluded sex or relationships. A very good friend of mine was a virgin until marriage; he and his wife are deliriously happy and have a horde adorable kids now. Life is nothing if not full of wondrous variety.

But here’s the thing: right now, the only person who’s really getting on your case about your virginity… is you. There’s a lot of self-directed shame here, and I think you’ve absorbed a lot of BS myths surrounding being a virgin. You had a later start than people and that’s fine. Life’s not a race and there aren’t any prizes for being on the left side of the loss-of-virginity bell curve. It’s not going to make that much of a difference in your relationships; everyone starts from the same place, and any relationship is a learning process. Your lack of experience is only going to be as much of a detriment as you let it be. Even when it comes to the physical side of things, as long as you’re willing to listen, take directions and be as mindful of your partner’s pleasure as your own, you can still be an amazing lover.

So should you tell people? Or should you conceal it?

As a general rule, I’m pro-disclosure. If there’s something about you that might be polarizing – which could be anything from severe food allergies, to having kids, to being in an open relationship, to whether you have herpes – then yes, I usually suggest being up front about it and mentioning it so that people can make informed decisions about whether or not they may want to date you.

However!

I’m also conscious that stigma is a thing and can often cause people to recoil reflexively from folks who might be a great partner if the first person didn’t have that knee-jerk reaction. So while I’m pro-disclosure, I tend to give a certain amount of wiggle-room. I don’t necessarily feel that everything needs to be disclosed up front. I think that it’s not unreasonable, especially on the first or second date, to not bring things up that aren’t immediately relevant. That’s not to say that you get carte blanche to hide it or lie about it or never bring it up… but to my mind, it’s not unreasonable to give someone the chance to get to know you before they make their decision about said issue. Obviously, you do disclose to them – you want to give them the option to decide whether to continue seeing you or not – but sometimes getting to know a person helps break through the stereotype of “People who do/have X are all like this!” Or it might help them realize that said deal-breaker isn’t quite as important in the scheme of things with this particular person.

So, I don’t think that you’re committing any great sin by leaving the fact that you’re a virgin off your dating profile. You have my blessing to ditch all your answers and start over.

One of the nice things about OKCupid’s questions is that you can skip them if they’re likely to decrease your match percentages.

I think that if you want to hold off on talking about your virginity until you and your date have had a chance to connect and see if there’s any chemistry, you’re well within your right to do so. Just remember: when you do bring it up, don’t roll it out like it’s something awful that you’re ashamed of. It’s not a drawback, it’s a bonus. Like I always say: people tend to take their cues about issues from you. If you present it as no big deal – hey, you were focused on school! – then 9 times out of 10, they won’t treat it like a big deal either. And the 1 out of 10 who does have a bad reaction? They’ve shown that they were someone you didn’t want to be dating in the first place. They learned one thing about you and you learned everything about them.

But let’s talk about those matches you haven’t been messaging. See, one of the things about OKCupid’s match percentage calculations is that people can weight their responses. They can say that an issue is Very Important, Somewhat Important or A Little Important. The heavier they weight their answer, the more it subtracts from your match percentage. So if you have a high match score with someone, but your questions about sexual experience don’t line up? It’s pretty clear that these issues don’t rank so highly in their list of Must-Haves that it throws you out of the running. For all you know, they very well may be thrilled by the idea of being somebody’s first… but now you’ll never have a chance to find out because you decided that they could never be into you.

So whether you do or don’t change your answers, don’t let your pre-suppositions about how other people will react keep you from taking a chance. If you never ask anyone out, you’ll never find the awesome people who aren’t concerned with how many people you have or haven’t slept with.

TL;DR – If you want to leave out that you’re a virgin, then go ahead. But your virginity is nothing to be ashamed of, and you really shouldn’t let your fear keep you from simply trying to start those conversations.

Good luck, NBK. And write back to let us know how things are going for you.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a freshman (19 years old) at a small American liberal arts college. So far, college life has been going really well for me; I’m making friends, engaging myself academically, and doing extracurriculars. But there’s still something I can’t figure out.

I never dated in high school, and I can’t get myself to ask anyone out here at school either. I guess a lot of it comes from a pathological desire not to be creepy; since I can’t be 100% sure that girls are interested in me, I don’t want to ask anyone I know out. Making people uncomfortable is the last thing I want to do.

I’m a little worried. It seems like lots of people are really sexually active; like everyone I know but me is getting it on all the time. Does the fact that I haven’t engaged anyone romantically yet mean that I’m somehow a bad person or that I need help? My college does offer free therapy, but I’d feel bad using that resource if it takes time away from those who need it more than I do. I guess I’m just confused and a little worried about my future, in terms of sexuality and romantic stuff.

Slightly Worried College Kid

DEAR SLIGHTLY WORRIED COLLEGE KID: First of all, SWCK: use the resources you have available to you. College can be a confusing, stressful time. Most people are out on their own for the first time and that can leave a lot of people feeling lost and adrift. Those counselors are there specifically to help you unpack these issues and develop the skills to navigate this strange new world you’re in. So don’t hesitate to take advantage of them – especially now when it’s free.

Second: aside from having some needless anxiety, there’s really nothing wrong with you. Like I was telling Never Been Kissed: the fact that you don’t have much relationship experience doesn’t mean anything other than “you don’t have much relationship experience,” and that’s not a bad thing. Some folks come to it later than others. I didn’t lose my virginity until well into my sophomore year, so you’re hardly the last American virgin.

And something to keep in mind: college isn’t the all-encompassing sex-fest that a lot of people think it is. It sure as hell can feel like it, especially when you feel like you’re being left out of the party. But the fact you’re not neck deep in strange doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with you or that you’re the only person who’s not taking part.

But let’s talk creepers for a second. There’s nothing creepy about wanting sex, nor is there anything creepy about asking somebody out on a date, even if you’re not 100% sure they’re into you. You have to use your best judgement and take a chance. And if you get shot down… well, it stings, but it’s not the end of the world. Plus: part of the way you learn to read people and develop your ability to tell who’s into you and who isn’t is by asking and seeing who says yes and who says no.

I’ve covered the topic of creepers in almost exhaustive detail at this point, but there’s a fairly simple way to avoid being creepy: just be mindful of the person you’re talking to. And if you realize you’re making someone uncomfortable, then just apologize and adjust your behavior accordingly. I talked about how you can avoid creepy behavior on a recent episode of the podcast, so go give it a listen.

So talk to your counselors about your anxiety, and go out and be social. You’ll be just fine.

I promise.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Last fall I moved across country for school. I met a girl in my class and we were getting along fairly well. We would often talk during class and occasionally text outside of class. Christmas break came and we both went off to be with our families. During my travels home I saw something that I know she would like so I took a picture and sent it to her. She replied back saying that I was officially her best friend. I was okay with this because at the time I didn’t really have any friends having just moved there. A few days before New Year’s I saw that a band we both liked was coming to a venue near our school. I texted her to ask if she wanted to go and she declined “saying she would be out of town.” I found this strange knowing that we would be in class then but chucked it up to her getting the dates wrong. She did in fact go on the trip just a few weeks later. At this point though I thought things were still good between us.

Here is where they start to get murky. After New Year’s but before we went back to school I sent her a text asking if she was enjoying her break. Now sometimes it would take her a few days to respond to a text but she always did. Except this time she didn’t. I saw her in class the following week for only one day (we are in different sessions so we only see each other once or twice a week). She came in and sat down by me and we talked for a few minutes before class started. At that time I began working on a project that had to do with our respective future careers and texted her to see if she wanted in on it. Days go by and no response but I see her in class the next week and she says sorry for not getting back to me and that I should text her the details. I do this but once again she doesn’t respond. She then starts sitting away from our small little group of friends we had. This goes on for a few weeks before I finally decide to just talk to her cause I thought “hey she’s my friend.” We talk and everything seems fine and normal, we even do our thing where we communicate just with looks during class. She also told me at this time that she had been very busy so I figured that’s why she hadn’t gotten back to me on the project.

It’s now about the end of January and we are in class together. During the break I try to talk to her and she seems to be a bit cold and distant. I don’t force the issue and at the end of class simply say good bye. This was the last time we talked. She is being her normally friendly self with other people but she seems to be avoiding me.

At this point I think I should tell you about something I found out about her. After our January class finished she took her short weekend trip and posted a picture of where she was on Instagram. I liked the picture and then searched something that she had tagged and found her tumblr page. On her tumblr page I noticed that she had a lot of similar interests to me, even more than I thought, in fact it almost seems like we are in some ways very much the same. I also noticed that she would post things about getting hurt, feeling alone and wishing she was beautiful. I wanted, and still do, to tell her that I think she is the wonderful, beautiful person but I didn’t know how to say “hey I was creeping on your tumblr page the other day and blah blah blah.”

So, just this past Monday when I got to class the seat by her was empty and I took it. I said hi to everyone and she just ignored me. Another guy from our friend group asked if she had any big plans for V-day weekend. She said something like how she was expecting to get a lot of date options and she would totally be doing something. It sounded sort of sarcastic and coupled with the fact that she had posted on her tumblr a few weeks earlier about how she often faked being happy on the outside and hurting on the inside makes me almost certain she was being sarcastic. This was of course enforced when just two days ago she said that she would be spending her V-day slow dancing in her room with a mop.

Anyways last Wednesday I for some reason, basically I missed her and wanted to talk to her sent her the following text “Hey (her name), I know we see each other all the time but it seems like we haven’t talked in a while and I just wanted to say hi.” She never responded. Saw her in class this past Friday and once again she ignored me. Friday night she removed me from her Facebook friends. I see her again in class in a few days I don’t know what to say or do.

I want to tell her so much, about how I understand her feelings of loneliness and giving parts of yourself to people and them just hurting you but then I think that if she doesn’t even want to acknowledge me she surely doesn’t want anything from me and it hurts. I want to tell her how beautiful I think she is and that I want her to be truly happy. We have so much in common and I was so happy when she said we were gonna be best friends. I feel like I’ve done something to hurt her but I can’t figure out what it is.

I just don’t know what to do.

Bewitched and Bewildered

DEAR BEWITCHED AND BEWILDERED: Long story short BB: You were seriously overestimating the level of friendship the two of you had. A text like “You’re officially my best friend” is (almost always) friendly teasing hyperbole, not a declaration of intent.

(Granted, this can be dependent on the individual’s personality, but you can take this as a fairly reliable rule of thumb.)

You seem like the sort of person folks sometimes refer to as a golden retriever of a man – full of enthusiasm and good intentions but not quite aware of just how that enthusiasm and intentions are coming across. Part of this means that you missed signs that she was trying to give you the brush-off without saying so. Taking longer and longer to respond (if she does at all) and sitting away from you and the group are all ways that she was trying to ease away without having an awkward “hey, let’s not” conversation. It’s not the greatest or most helpful way of getting the message across, but it’s something lots of folks do and part of social calibration is learning how to recognize those signs.

In all likelihood, she either found you to be exhausting or – like Dazed and Confused from last week and Private Number the week before – she got the “I wanna date you” vibe from you and wasn’t interested. It’s impossible to tell without crawling into her brain and poking at the squishy bits and, ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. People can decide to set their limits where they choose and she clearly decided she wasn’t interested in being Facebook friends with you.

(It could well be that she saw that you’d been poking through her Instagram and Tumblr and got the stalker vibe. If so… well, now you know what not to do next time)

So what do you do about this? I hate to say it, but you accept her wishes and just let her do her thing. It’s sweet and all that you feel like you understand her after reading her Tumblr but believe me the last thing you want to do is tell her all these things about her that you got from stalking her social media profile.Doesn’t matter that she’s put it out there for people to read; Tumblr is often a place folks try to work through their feelings semi-anonymously, not for potential suitors to glean tricks for winning their hearts. Doubly so if her posts are more mopey-college-poetry rather than true confessions of depression and the like.

Sorry dude. Best thing you can do is take some lessons from this and slow your roll for next time.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: As a 21 year old college male that never gets laid, I have all the time in the world to think about random stuff. This is something that I was just thinking about recently: Why are men expected to pay for everything on the first date? Now I’m not saying that all or even most women expect men to pay for everything, I’m saying that there’s at least enough women out there that do expect it or for it to be a thing to think about.

Personally for me, I don’t think men should have to pay for everything on the first date. It should be 50-50. It just doesn’t make logical sense to me to HAVE to give a stranger that I probably spoken to once or twice before hand, a free meal, entertainment, transportation, etc., just to get to know them and have a good time. If it was something that I wanted to do, that’s fine and that’s on me, but to be required or expected to do it is silly in my mind. It makes me feel as if going out on a date with them is intruding their day and I should pay for the time I used.

The reason why I write you is not just for the reason why men are expected to pay but also if a man should pay or not in general.

sincerely,

CheapCheep

DEAR CHEAPCHEEP: Logic has nothing to do with it.

The tradition of dating as we know it is a very recent phenomenon; it’s barely over a hundred years old. Most courtship rituals, even in Western societies, tended to be more formal or rules-clad affairs and tended to be conducted in the homes of the folks involved.

The other thing to keep in mind is that men for the most part were expected to be the providers; this tended to be equal parts social mores (and beliefs about women’s capabilities for work, intellect and the belief that women were supposed to be stay-at-home child-rearers) with the fact that through most of history, women didn’t have the resources or opportunities for economic emancipation and self-reliance. Hell, women in the US couldn’t have their own bank accounts until the 1960s and the Equal Credit Act – which gave women the right to apply for credit without requiring a male cosigner – was only passed in 1974.

Then you mix in the ideas of a commodity model of sex, where guys paying for dates was seen as “obligating” women to put out… 

So, long story short: the expectation of men paying on dates is born out of tradition based out of patriarchal sexism and really dodgy ideas about sex.

Now about who should pay for a date: that’s fairly simple. First date, the person who did the inviting pays. Next date, the other person can pay, or they can go half-and-half. If you’re meeting for drinks, you can alternate rounds; you get the first round, she gets the next, etc. There’re relatively few women these days who believe that men should pay for everything and they tend to be very traditional. 99.999% of women in general will offer to pay at least half while on the date. It’s up to you to decide whether to allow it, but it’s generally considered polite to do a back and forth of “I couldn’t possibly/ no I insist”.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)