(Doctor’s Note: Today’s column involves the generalized discussion of sexual assault.)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Before I start I feel like I should have a trigger warning. That’s the polite thing to do, isn’t it? Well here it is, sexual assault, toxic people and whatnot. I should probably also clarify that this isn’t about personal love or sex or dating, I only care for this person as a platonic friend. Never the less, I’ve held this in for a time and have no people to vent to. Don’t know if my experience will be useful to anyone, or if you’ll have anything useful to say, but it’d feel good to have it out there.

Starting from the beginning I met these two people at approximately the same time, when I started university. One was a guy and future assaulter, let’s call him M, who I became very close friends with. The other was a woman, A, who I never became friends with but who was a pleasant acquaintance. We three, and a few others, became close knit and would often hang out and do stuff together.

The first year went… okay. Pleasant even. Never really got terribly close with A, not for trying however. She did always seem to busy or suspicious to want to hang out one on one together. This didn’t bother me, I was not attracted to her and though she was a good conversationalist who I would like to know better, I respected her wishes. She was also very… pleasing? Anxious? It is hard to explain… a certain air about her that was and is a result of past trauma.

Unbeknownst to me however was that during the spring, close to the end of the term, she was assaulted, (possibly raped, never asked), by M’s friend, whom I had no relation with. On top of that, during the summer break when I was away, M too did something (wouldn’t tell, didn’t ask) which have led to PTSD-adjacent symptoms in A.

The second year was very rough for me. Due to a multitude of reasons I became depressed, which caused my friends to reach out for me, which in turn made me even more depressed (M has a hard time respecting boundaries, and refused to leave me alone). All this culminated in me breaking of contact with all my friends and taking a break for six months. When I came back and reinitiated contact with everyone, A opened up to me, telling me that she had a falling out with our group (due to M) as well as everything mentioned above.

I believed her and kept in contact. Nowadays we talk about family, boundaries, love and her past, as well as perfectly casual and normal stuff. Though she is cautious and doesn’t tell me when she is uncomfortable, I have a good enough read on her that it isn’t much of a problem, and I’ve helped her set boundaries and other stuff too. This sometimes makes me feel more like her therapist than her friend, and it is draining to me.

I can’t really see M as anything other than a misinformed dude, who I’ve known had toxic ideas about sex (the dude literally can’t stop talking about his penis.) and though A still cares about our mutual friends M being around constantly drives a wedge between any relationship they may have.

I am no longer friends with M (thank goodness), but our mutual friends have no idea what happened. Any insinuation that M might not be such a good guy is met with resentment. Even though it has been six months since I came back this still eats away at the back of my mind! What can I do to adjust to my situation? What can I do to be friends with A without having to constantly keep a birds eye view over our relationship? And what can I do to support her and help her develop? Is there any other site which could help me better than a well meaning dating coach in a very awkward situation?

Thanks for listening 

Confused, Concerned and Exasperated

DEAR CONFUSED, CONCERNED AND EXASPERATED: There’re a few things going on here, CCE.

First: it sounds to me like you’re the only person that A can open up to about all of this. Right now, A’s trying to stay in contact with her friends… but doing so means that she also has to be around the guy who assaulted her. Possibly both of them. To make matters worse, they’re still valued members of the social circle, which means that she may not feel like she can talk to anyone else in the group about it. If your friends push back against any indication that M might be anything less than an upstanding guy, then that leaves A feeling lost and isolated, on top of the shame that comes from having been the victim of sexual assault.

Yeah that shame may be pure, unadulterated bulls

t – it’s the fault of M (and M’s friend), not hers – but society is incredibly awful to victims of sexual violence. We tell women over and over again that they’re at fault because boys will be boys, whatcanyado? So right now, you may be the only person who A feels safe around.

And honestly, that says a lot of good things about you.

Second: Yeah, it can be a little exhausting to be the only person someone can rely on – especially when that person is dealing with some legitimate trauma, and doubly so when you’re still recovering from trauma of your own. Very few people talk about the emotional burnout that people in care-taking roles go through, even when those forms of care-taking are long conversations about issues like boundaries and assault. That’s a heavy topic and it weighs on a body. It can be important that you take care of yourself and get a break, and that you have friends that you can decompress and relax with. It’s important for you to spend time with people who care about you, people who you can let your guard down around and not have to be in charge of their emotional state.

Third: you need to remember that you’re NOT a therapist. You’re being a good friend to A, but she needs help that you aren’t equipped to provide. What I’d strongly recommend is that you gently encourage her to talk to a counselor or therapist, especially someone who works in issues relating to sexual trauma. It sounds like you’re in college, which means that you have access to counselors; that may be a good place for A to start, if she hasn’t already. If A doesn’t already have a counselor or doesn’t feel comfortable talking to someone connected to the school, then it may help to point her towards RAINN’s National Sexual Abuse Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE or online.rainn.org. Even though the assaults happened months ago, RAINN has operators who can help A, let her know what her options are and assist her in recovering. It’s completely anonymous and if she’s uncomfortable talking with them over the phone, they have online chat options as well.

Fourth: Whether M is misinformed or not doesn’t change what he did. The fact that he’s “not good with boundaries” or “can’t stop talking about his penis” doesn’t change the fact that he assaulted your friend. Talking about how someone “didn’t understand” only ends up downplaying what he’s done and just serves to isolate and alienate A further. He doesn’t get to skate under “being awkward”. A lot of predators use “I’m just awkward” as an excuse to try to get out of trouble. It’s bulls

t when they do it and it’s bulls

t when M does it. Don’t buy into that.

Fifth: Let A be the one to decide what she wants to do regarding M and M’s buddy. Right now, it doesn’t sound as though she’s told anyone else about what’s happened, and that’s understandable. As I said: there’s a lot of shame and stigma involved in being the victim of sexual assault, and being outed to the group could very well just re-traumatize her. It’s A’s story to tell and A’s decision to make and she needs to make the right decision for her. The best thing you can do is support the choice she makes.

I’m deeply sorry for what’s happened to A, and for the pain it’s causing you as well. It’s a horrible situation and you’re being the friend she needs right now, which is admirable. But it’s important to realize that you have a responsibility to yourself too. Don’t hurt yourself trying to help your friend. That doesn’t help anyone. Give the care and support that you can to A… but see if you can guide her to the help she needs, too.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve put together a profile that represents me well and that women seem to like. I get matches and messages from people who seem really cool. The problem is, I can’t sustain a conversation. I get two or three exchanges, maybe half a dozen, and they just vanish. It’s pretty clear to me that I have no idea what people want to hear.

I promise I’m not being creepy. I’m probably just being boring. I think I’m asking pretty reasonable ‘get to know you’ questions. “Are you from here? What do you think of this town?” “I’m excited about this plan I have, what are you up to?” “You like this genre of music. Do you know this artist? You’re in for a treat. (or You do? You’re cool!)”

I try to express an interest in their lives, while showing that I also have an interesting life. It’s not working, and I really don’t have any idea why. I don’t even enjoy getting a match anymore, as I know how exactly what is going to happen. I’ve been at this all year and only had one date out of at least 30 matches.

I know teasing is an important part of flirting. But I can’t do it. I’m way too genuine. I don’t even talk smack with my closest friends, and I don’t know why I’d want to. One woman I dated suddenly exclaimed “Oh! You don’t know when I’m BS’ing you!” and vanished shortly after. Is this my problem? Do people want to hear BS from a stranger they want to like?

I’m pretty well stuck, and it’s taking it’s toll on my confidence. How can I learn to do this better? Are there transcripts of conversations I could study?

Bumble Fumble

DEAR BUMBLE FUMBLE: One of the issues with dating apps is there’s a lot of noise obscuring the signal, BF. Even on apps where women make the first move like Bumble, there’re a lot of folks who are functionally clogging up women’s messages with crap. Even if we set aside the deluge of dick-picks, the guys who ask for sex by the second message and the unwelcome objectification, there’s a plethora of purposeless texts and messages that send the message that this person isn’t worth her time. The classic example are the messages that start up as “‘sup?”, or “what’re u up to?” but even more involved questions can turn people off.

The common denominator in all of these messages is simple: they’re boring. Boredom is the universal sin when it comes to communicating with people you’re interested in – whether you’re texting after having gotten her number or whether you’re messaging her on Tinder or Bumble. And I’m going to be honest with you BF: if the samples you shared are what you’ve been sending to you matches… well, they’re about as exciting as dry toast. The problem is that there’s no zing or spark there. The first two come off as generic, potential copy-pasted messages that get shotgunned to everyone. The third is just… there. I mean, it does give at least an indication that you’ve read their profile, but honestly there’s not much for a potential match to sink her teeth into.

There are two important factors when it comes to sending a message that people will respond to on a dating app.

First, you want to make it clear that you’ve read their profile and you’re not swiping on every profile that you come across.

Second: you need to give them something they will want to respond to. 

This means that you need to engage them on an emotional level; you want to give them something that provokes their interest and tickles the part of their brain that makes them want to know more. So instead of just saying “hey, here’s what I’m doing this weekend,” work off of something from their profile. Find ways to relate to it and show that you two have something in common. For example, do they have things that you can mutually geek out over? That kind of “you love this? I LOVE THIS TOO! LET’S BOND OVER HOW AWESOME THIS IS”, for example, is one way to get the conversation started. “Hey, you dig $BAND? That’s crazy, they were my first concert ever. That was the first time I ever went and got in a mosh-pit before and it was intense! What about you?”

Alternately, can you share something that might make them laugh? Maybe you can share a silly story about something that happened involving a shared interest you two have? Or, for that matter, can you make up something that’s clearly absurd and over the top but will make them laugh and want to play along?

This is part of why teasing is often – not always, just frequently – a component of flirting; it’s a way of engaging people on an emotional level and having some fun together. Now that’s not always somebody’s particular shot of whiskey, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t find other ways to get people in the feels. Teasing, joking and being silly doesn’t require you to not be genuine, nor does it require you to talk s

t. All it means is that you’re gently prodding someone but in a way that says “I like you”.

Now, if you’re having a hard time catching when someone’s joking with you, you may want to ask. Of course, even that can be made into a joke; after all, there are hordes of “not sure if serious” memes out there that get the message across without making you sound like Johnny NoFun.

TL;DR: your biggest problem is that your messages are dull and uninteresting. Find ways to engage with people that hits some positive feelings – humor, cuteness, interesting or ‘cool’ stories – and you’ll start having far more success. Save the “getting to know you” questions until you’re in person. And even then, try to avoid coming across like you’re interviewing them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A couple months ago I asked out two different girls at work. I asked them out about a month apart. They both (politely) turned me down and while I was disappointed, I took them at their word and didn’t pursue anything further.

A couple weeks ago I saw on Facebook (I’m friends with both of them) that one of them had posted some pictures about being bridesmaids in a mutual friend’s wedding. She said something about how a good man is hard to find and she was envious of the bride. The other one commented similarly.

Dr. NerdLove, I’m so mad at them! They rejected me and then they talk about how hard it is to find someone! I know it’s none of my business, and I’m not going to say anything, and I hid both their posts afterwords. I don’t intend to say anything to either of them, and I’ve dealt with rejection before, but the post really hurt! How do I deal with my anger and frustration? Is there something I missed or did wrong that I need to examine? I haven’t engaged with them at all since I asked them out, and we work in different departments so interacting is not an issue. But I still feel double rejection! What can I do?

Still Single Over Here

DEAR STILL SINGLE OVER HERE: Dude. Dude. Take a deep breath. Take another. Let it out slowly.

I understand how upset you’re feeling right now. Here you are, having put yourself out there as a potential paramour to these women and they’ve both turned you down. Now here they both are, talking about how hard it is to find a good man. It’s understandable that you’re left here thinking “what the hell am I, chopped liver?”

But here’s the thing. When you hear someone say ““a good man is hard to find” or something similar, you need to append an unspoken “…that I’m attracted to,” at the end. It’s like when we hear someone say “I wish I could meet a guy like you.” What they’re saying is that you have a lot of qualities that they would like to find in a potential partner except for one: they’re just not attracted to you. So while you may tick a lot of their boxes, you just don’t match the one that’s marked “required”. And as much as you might be a great match for them otherwise… that lack of attraction ultimately means that it’s not going to work for them.

And therein lies the rub. For whatever reason, these women were just not feeling it with you. And while this can feel like a personal judgement on you as an individual, it really isn’t. It doesn’t mean that you did something wrong, or that you’re a flawed person. It doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy of love. It just means that they just didn’t feel that spark with you.

And honestly, there are going to be people out there who will not like you, no matter what you do, and that’s fine. Yeah, I know, how are you supposed to NOT take that personally? But think about this: how many women do you know out there that just don’t move your needle? How many women are there in your social circle who are great people, but just don’t have that je ne said quois that marks the difference between “nice” and “niiiiiiiice.” You’re not judging them or seeing them as lesser; it’s just that you’re not into them. No harm, no foul.

I mean, trust me, I get it. It’s frustrating. When you hear someone lament being single after you went and made yourself vulnerable to them, it feels like you’re being insulted. But you really aren’t. Many times, people not wanting to date you will have absolutely nothing to do with you. It won’t matter what changes you make, what words you say or how you present yourself. It’s just that you aren’t the droid they’re looking for. And at the end of the day, that’s value-neutral. Attraction is a personal thing, after all. Nobody is going to be attractive to everyone. And they just weren’t attracted to you.

Yeah, I know. It’s like someone kicked your soul in the junk. I’ve been there myself. I’ve literally had women I’ve asked on dates say that to my face. But being angry at them isn’t reasonable, any more than it’s reasonable for the women you haven’t dated to be upset at you for not dating them.

So the best thing you can do is brush off the dust, square your shoulders and tell yourself “OK, that sucked, but I’ll get over it.” Take a deep breath, let it out slowly and let that anger just sink through your body towards your feet, then into the ground and let it dissipate. There will be other opportunities, with women who’ll dig what you have to offer.

Stay cool, bro. You’ll get there.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am not attracted to anyone in my area, not a single one. It’s either the horrible voice or being underweight or overweight, or the terrible personality (I have this one)

It honestly seems like everyone sucks where I am, and it’s the exact same no matter what area I am in.

I have a weekly D&D game and that’s about the extent of my socialising, most of my time is just spent on my computer. Women are an alien species for me, and not the interesting ones with mind powers or incredibly advanced machinery or powerful magics. They’re the boring kind who the whole movie would be spent trying to communicate with them

It also doesn’t help I’ve never asked anyone out yet and likely never will due to the potential reaction (I. E. Public shaming.)

I’m disconcerted by the fact that I am attracted to NO ONE. What the hell kind of robot brain do I have where that is even possible,

It also doesn’t help that I trust very few people outside of my immediate family, and I’mm constantly on my guard for no good reason. I’ve been using dating sites, but even when I see someone with my interests, I pass them as I don’t believe that it is a real profile ( most of the dating profile I’ve seen are blank or nothing of significance) Furthermore, I strongly believe that most dating profiles are elaborate catfishes.

On another note, I am certain that no one is attracted to me, and if anyone asks me out, it is some form of trick.

More to the point, how can I actually care about freaking anything, I say that as my life has ground to a halt, am too busy with school to make any significant changes and I’m sick of the rat race already and I’m not even working yet.

I would love to switch places with me in an alternate universe where I’m a success living in the biggest mansion in the world, but dimensional travellers are played out, just like time travellers (it’s such a bad idea)

I don’t know, I don’t want to be a loser my whole life, but I have no idea how to change this. I’ve been like this so long that I find it difficult to change anything.

Thank you for your assistance

Tired Man

DEAR TIRED MAN: There’s a lot going on here, TM and I think a lot of it is outside what I can do for you. A lot of what I see here are things that are beyond my pay grade. You don’t really need a loudmouth with a blog, you need a counselor or therapist to talk through some of this. Now, what I can tell you is that your issue is one I’ve heard before. Part of the problem sounds to me like a form of anxiety. People tend to think of anxiety as near heart-attacks and freak-outs, when it can manifest in a lot of different ways – low-key dread, a sense of impending doom, belief that everyone is lying to you…

I mean, stop me if this sounds familiar.

Another part of anxiety is how it can lead to avoidance behaviors; you (general you, not you, TM) live in fear of the possibility of an anxiety attack and so you find ways to avoid it ever being a possibility. You find reasons to avoid situations or people because of the stress or the potential of something going horribly wrong.

But I think the big reason why you don’t like the people around you… mostly seems to be that you don’t really like yourself. Like Baleful Eye back in October, you sound like you’ve got a lot of internalized self-loathing, which is often a symptom of depression – something that tends to come as part of the sucky benefits package of anxiety. It’s easier to dismiss the people around you as fakes, phonies and scam artists than to let them get close to you and risk the inevitable rejection that obviously will be coming because hey, who could possibly be interested in someone as awful as you.

And I have to tell you: I have been there, I have done that and I know that particular feeling very well. I’ve dealt with chronic depression for most of my life and I can tell you first hand: there is no voice more believable than the one depression uses because it’s your voice. It’s dripping poison in your ear, jabbing you in all of the places that you are the most sensitive because it knows damned good and well where you have the least armor. It crawls into your head and tells you that your worthless, that there’s no point to anything, that there’s nothing that you could do. There’s no point in trying because nothing can change or improve. This is your life and it will be this bad or worse until the end.

But here’s the thing: anxiety is a liar. Depression is a liar. It is bulls

t that only sounds like truth because it tells you things that you fear, and it does so with your voice. Change is possible. Improvement is possible. I can tell you this with 100% certainty because hey, I’ve done it. I have been where you are, I have been in the hole you are in right now and I have climbed the ever-loving hell out.

I won’t lie to you: it’s hard. It’s maddening even. It takes a lot of work and – worse – a lot of random chance. One of the frustrating things about depression and anxiety is that they’re all so damn personal that there’s no one way to deal with it. For some, cognitive behavioral therapy works. Talk therapy works for others. Still others need medication to get the worst of it under control… and even then, it takes time to find the medication and the dosage that works for you. And some people need a combination of all of the above.

And you know what: that’s fine. Finding that one way didn’t work for you doesn’t mean that you’re a hopeless case, it just means that you need a different form of help. The important part is getting help in the first place.

Now, I’ve done a few things, like exercise and mindfulness meditation, that I’ve found help get your brain under control that may be worth trying to take the edge off things. But to be perfectly honest, you need to be talking to a proper therapist. You’re in college which can actually make things easier; you have access to health services through your school, which often includes mental health. And if they don’t have someone on campus, they can almost certainly recommend someone to you. But keep in mind: just as in dating, having a connection with your therapist is important. If you two aren’t clicking and you don’t feel that they understand you or aren’t giving you the help that you need, you can find someone else. Don’t be afraid to advocate for your own needs; you know what’s going on in your head better than anyone else.

This will get better. Once you get some of this under control, I think you’ll find your outlook on life, the universe and everything changing for the better.

It will be ok.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started a relationship, but ended it not long after. Basically there were three different instances where my instincts kept gnawing at me.

Things were very lovely when they started, but then the first time this “gut” feeling surfaced is when he told me he would be leaving work at a certain time. However, hours before he would have left, I bumped into him at the store, grocery shopping. Talk about coincidences! I also noticed that he was talking away on the phone before he spotted me. I found it a little concerning because I remembered him telling me he doesn’t fancy talking on the phone, unlike myself.

We continued to talk and get close, but then my instincts tugged at me once more. This time, I was at his house, and his driver’s license happen to be lying on the night table. I saw it as soon I stepped into the room, so it was sort of inevitable. From it I discovered that he lied. His first name was correct, but his last name wasn’t what he told me and he had a middle name, despite telling me he didn’t have one. I found this very suspicious and concerning all at once. Why would he lie about such a small thing, and what could he be hiding? 

I didn’t let him know what I saw and what I figured out. I had hoped he would come clean on his own, but he didn’t. Bear in mind, this man is 13 years older than me, so why play games?

The third time my instincts pulled at me once more was when I visited him. We spent some time together, but before getting intimate he told me wanted me to spend the night. I thought “sure!”,  since I have before. After that period of intimacy was over, he just sat on the edge of the bed as if he was contemplating about something. Suddenly he asks me if I would be mad at him if he fed me some food and sent me home. Surprised, I asked why the sudden change of mind. His reason was that he had work in the morning, however, I had to remind him that I had spent the night before even when he had work. His second reason was that he didn’t like when I spent the night because I stay up all night, which was untrue.

This came as a shock because he made no mention or hint in that nature before, and quite frankly a very flimsy excuse.

I ate and I made my home, after which I let him know I had arrived safely. He didn’t respond, then went “ghost” for two days. Then had the audacity to message me asking if that’s it, as if I was the one who went MIA. I was upset, and he couldn’t tell me why he did that, he just could not give an answer. All he could do was say he’s sorry. We didn’t talk for very long after that.

The following day I didn’t hear from him until I opted to say good morning, to which he responded cheerfully, following that he was busy with work. Further in the afternoon I heard from him but briefly as he still continued to say how busy he was at work. I then told him I’d talk to him later on. 

Hours passed, until after midnight he responded to a break up text I had sent. I was concerned because to know that the last time we exchanged words was the afternoon before, and the message he responds to is a break up message. What made it worse is that he responded very soon after. Which means he could have checked in at any time during the night, but chose not to.

After reading all this Dr. NerdLove, do you think I ended things prematurely without properly working through what was going on, or did I let it carry on for way too long?

Sincerely,

Single In The City

DEAR SINGLE IN THE CITY: You know, I’m a fan of the phrase “Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy act^H^H^H a message”, but your situation, SitC is… unique.

The idea of “going with your gut” is a very popular one. It’s one I agree with, actually – with some reservations. There’s something appealing that our gut or our instincts are inherently superior to our rational, intellectual side; we see this play out all the time in the media. Brash James T. Kirk goes by impulse and intuition, even when the cool, logical Mister Spock advises otherwise, and wins the day because Kirk’s guts are very very wise. The maverick cop on the edge gets the criminal or the terrorists because he knows there’s just no time to follow protocol. The investor who picks the risky stock because they know there’s something about it even as everyone tells them not to.

Of course, “going with your gut” doesn’t work if your gut is just wrong. We’ve got a few presidents who’ve proved that point rather handily. So while it’s good to trust yourself when something makes your Spidey-senses tingle, it’s also good to double-check. Especially if it’s an area where you may have been wrong before. The fact that you feel something doesn’t necessarily make it accurate. Lots of times, things like anxiety or confirmation bias can get in the way and color our interpretation of how things are actually playing out.

Now with that having been said, let’s address your specific situation, SitC.

Two of the three incidents aren’t necessarily things that I would classify as hinky or bad. Under other circumstances, things like “said he was at work until late but left early” or “Got weird after sex” would get some serious side-eye, but wouldn’t necessarily be relationship-extinction level events. There’re understandable explanations for both of those, including “dude is bad at saying he doesn’t want company/ has other plans/ isn’t comfortable with your staying the night“. Not great explanations, mind you, but understandable ones.

Aaaaaand then we get to the fact that he lied to you about his name.

That, SitC is where my personal Spidey-sense started going off like an airhorn. Like I said: I could see someone being averse to conflict giving ultimately pointless white lies about being unavailable instead of “Hey, I’m just not feeling it.” I can understand why someone might be awkward about saying “You know, I’ve changed my mind, I’d rather you didn’t stay over.”

But lying about his name? That is the point where things cross over from “could be hinky, could be awkward” to “what the hell, actual?” Of all of the reasons I can come up with that would explain why he lied about his name, literally none of them are good. And to be quite honest, finding out that the person I was seeing on the regular had lied about something that serious would be the start of a very pointed and uncomfortable conversation, not waiting to see if it were just… I don’t know, a gag?

And honestly? Something tells me that all the rest of his weird behavior stems out from that. Were I to take a wild stab in the dark, my money would be that you were his side-piece. Lying about his name meant that you couldn’t find him as easily on social media and realize he was with someone else. Lying about being at work would keep you from showing up at a time when he’s with his main squeeze. Telling you he didn’t like talking on the phone would ensure that you didn’t call at an inconvenient time and give the game away – or that you wouldn’t hear his other partner in the background.

His sending you home could well be because he was going to be seeing his other partner the next day. Or he might have been feeling guilty. Or who knows.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You were absolutely right to trust your instincts on this. He was acting very strangely, and you clearly were picking up on things. Whatever was going on with your ex, you’re better off not being part of whatever drama he’s caught up in.

Honestly, I would’ve said that finding out he’d lied about his name would be a deal breaker, but that’s me. You recognized things were messed up and you got the hell out. That’s the important part. Now you know that your instincts are pretty damn reliable. And next time, you won’t end up with a guy playing odd games.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 26 year old virgin who’s been on dates, but never had a relationship. I’ve had a history of depression and OCD throughout my life, with my psychiatrist suggesting that the OCD turned into body dysmorphic disorder. I ended up finding a great therapist a few years ago who taught me all about mindfulness and meditation and most importantly writing and journaling. Keeping a gratitude journal every night has been very helpful. After I got my MS degree, I wanted to move to North Carolina and get out of the small rust belt town where I was. So every night before bed I would write down affirmations that I am attracting a job in NC, I am attracting what I want. It was a lot of work to maintain that, work my then current job, and to keep actively job hunting and embracing the turn downs after interviews, but I got a dream job right where I wanted. I learned a lot about confidence in job interviews and how to learn from the negative outcomes. It has been a game changer in how I think about life.

Which brings me to the relationship thing. I mentioned the BDD earlier. I have been an active weight lifter for several years. It’s something I use to combat the depression and it’s become a center point in my life. Through that and changing what I eat I’ve turned myself from skinny fat into sculpted (6 pack abs, big arms, etc). The problem is that I still think I’m not big enough and especially not tall enough (I’m 5’10”). I absolutely understand that looking any certain way will not impress a girl on its own. I go to a gym on a college campus and naturally is crawling with girls in my age group. I want to put myself out there, but that nagging inner critic tells me that I’m not good enough, not tall enough, not big enough. They want the bigger guys at the other end of the room to talk to them, they’ll be disappointed if you talk to them. They’re in college and you’ve been done with college for a few years, you have nothing in common. You’re boring. You get the idea. But people all the time tell me I’m handsome or that they’re jealous of how I look.

Thing is, I understand the flaws in those statements. Whenever I go anywhere (hockey games, the mall, any kind of public place) I look out for couples where the guy is like me (not perfect, not 7 feet tall) and it’s everywhere. I absolutely know that guys like me are just as capable of finding love as anyone else. My best friends are living proof of this. None of them work out, they’re all in way worse shape than me, none of them are especially handsome, but they’re all so confident that they always knock it out of the park with dating and all that. I tell myself (and write most nights) that they all did it and so will I. I’m always looking for counter-evidence to the negative feelings I have about myself and I make note of it in my writings.

I go on meetups quite a bit. I mainly use it to go on hikes because I like the outdoors. The most recent group I joined has had a number of cute girls show up. I had a great time meeting them and conversing with them. I put no pressure on myself, I just met new people. Some of them approached me and engaged me without me initiating anything. It was amazing and I felt great about it. I felt like I was drawing in the right kind of people. And I didn’t ask anyone out, don’t worry. I’m going again this weekend.

I plan on having my friends help me take pictures of myself in order to make a match.com profile. As much as I’m trying, I don’t meet new people enough. I’ve avoided online dating because of all the negative things I’ve heard about it from people (both guys and girls) I know who’ve used it, but I need something new. I’m framing it as exposure therapy, that I can put myself out there and it’s not the end of the world if I get a no or a ghost.

I don’t harbor any resentment or bitterness against women (I know the mistakes I’ve made with the various girls I’ve gone out on dates with in the past), I know that where I’m currently at, everything that’s good and bad about my situation, is a product of what’s in my own head. That’s why I was able to get my dream job in my dream location and it’s also why I’m a 26 year old virgin. I’m always working to apply the job stuff to the relationship stuff, it’s hard, but I have to do it if I want it to change.

Do you think I’m on the right track?

Working It Out

DEAR WORKING IT OUT: I’ve read over your letter three times. And here’s what I’ve found:

You’re doing everything exactly right.

Honestly, you should be proud of yourself and the progress you’ve made. You have made incredible strides, working through a whole host of issues and BS to get to where you are. That’s huge, and it speaks a lot to your inner strength and your character.

The only thing I would tell you is that it takes a lot of practice and effort to make quiet those voices in your head. They’re incredibly insidious, because they whisper in your own voice and know exactly where to poke your insecurities with sticks. So don’t feel bad that you’re still having those negative thoughts or self-limiting beliefs. You’re working hard and you’ve come unbelievably far. Take some time to appreciate that.

Through your work, perseverance and a willingness to seek out help when you needed it, you have brought yourself to the precipice of an incredible future. You, my friend, have some amazing times ahead of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)