DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently started a relationship, but ended it not long after. Basically there were three different instances where my instincts kept gnawing at me.

Things were very lovely when they started, but then the first time this “gut” feeling surfaced is when he told me he would be leaving work at a certain time. However, hours before he would have left, I bumped into him at the store, grocery shopping. Talk about coincidences! I also noticed that he was talking away on the phone before he spotted me. I found it a little concerning because I remembered him telling me he doesn’t fancy talking on the phone, unlike myself.

We continued to talk and get close, but then my instincts tugged at me once more. This time, I was at his house, and his driver’s license happen to be lying on the night table. I saw it as soon I stepped into the room, so it was sort of inevitable. From it I discovered that he lied. His first name was correct, but his last name wasn’t what he told me and he had a middle name, despite telling me he didn’t have one. I found this very suspicious and concerning all at once. Why would he lie about such a small thing, and what could he be hiding? 

I didn’t let him know what I saw and what I figured out. I had hoped he would come clean on his own, but he didn’t. Bear in mind, this man is 13 years older than me, so why play games?

The third time my instincts pulled at me once more was when I visited him. We spent some time together, but before getting intimate he told me wanted me to spend the night. I thought “sure!”,  since I have before. After that period of intimacy was over, he just sat on the edge of the bed as if he was contemplating about something. Suddenly he asks me if I would be mad at him if he fed me some food and sent me home. Surprised, I asked why the sudden change of mind. His reason was that he had work in the morning, however, I had to remind him that I had spent the night before even when he had work. His second reason was that he didn’t like when I spent the night because I stay up all night, which was untrue.

This came as a shock because he made no mention or hint in that nature before, and quite frankly a very flimsy excuse.

I ate and I made my home, after which I let him know I had arrived safely. He didn’t respond, then went “ghost” for two days. Then had the audacity to message me asking if that’s it, as if I was the one who went MIA. I was upset, and he couldn’t tell me why he did that, he just could not give an answer. All he could do was say he’s sorry. We didn’t talk for very long after that.

The following day I didn’t hear from him until I opted to say good morning, to which he responded cheerfully, following that he was busy with work. Further in the afternoon I heard from him but briefly as he still continued to say how busy he was at work. I then told him I’d talk to him later on. 

Hours passed, until after midnight he responded to a break up text I had sent. I was concerned because to know that the last time we exchanged words was the afternoon before, and the message he responds to is a break up message. What made it worse is that he responded very soon after. Which means he could have checked in at any time during the night, but chose not to.

After reading all this Dr. NerdLove, do you think I ended things prematurely without properly working through what was going on, or did I let it carry on for way too long?

Sincerely,

Single In The City

DEAR SINGLE IN THE CITY: You know, I’m a fan of the phrase “Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy act^H^H^H a message”, but your situation, SitC is… unique.

The idea of “going with your gut” is a very popular one. It’s one I agree with, actually – with some reservations. There’s something appealing that our gut or our instincts are inherently superior to our rational, intellectual side; we see this play out all the time in the media. Brash James T. Kirk goes by impulse and intuition, even when the cool, logical Mister Spock advises otherwise, and wins the day because Kirk’s guts are very very wise. The maverick cop on the edge gets the criminal or the terrorists because he knows there’s just no time to follow protocol. The investor who picks the risky stock because they know there’s something about it even as everyone tells them not to.

Of course, “going with your gut” doesn’t work if your gut is just wrong. We’ve got a few presidents who’ve proved that point rather handily. So while it’s good to trust yourself when something makes your Spidey-senses tingle, it’s also good to double-check. Especially if it’s an area where you may have been wrong before. The fact that you feel something doesn’t necessarily make it accurate. Lots of times, things like anxiety or confirmation bias can get in the way and color our interpretation of how things are actually playing out.

Now with that having been said, let’s address your specific situation, SitC.

Two of the three incidents aren’t necessarily things that I would classify as hinky or bad. Under other circumstances, things like “said he was at work until late but left early” or “Got weird after sex” would get some serious side-eye, but wouldn’t necessarily be relationship-extinction level events. There’re understandable explanations for both of those, including “dude is bad at saying he doesn’t want company/ has other plans/ isn’t comfortable with your staying the night“. Not great explanations, mind you, but understandable ones.

Aaaaaand then we get to the fact that he lied to you about his name.

That, SitC is where my personal Spidey-sense started going off like an airhorn. Like I said: I could see someone being averse to conflict giving ultimately pointless white lies about being unavailable instead of “Hey, I’m just not feeling it.” I can understand why someone might be awkward about saying “You know, I’ve changed my mind, I’d rather you didn’t stay over.”

But lying about his name? That is the point where things cross over from “could be hinky, could be awkward” to “what the hell, actual?” Of all of the reasons I can come up with that would explain why he lied about his name, literally none of them are good. And to be quite honest, finding out that the person I was seeing on the regular had lied about something that serious would be the start of a very pointed and uncomfortable conversation, not waiting to see if it were just… I don’t know, a gag?

And honestly? Something tells me that all the rest of his weird behavior stems out from that. Were I to take a wild stab in the dark, my money would be that you were his side-piece. Lying about his name meant that you couldn’t find him as easily on social media and realize he was with someone else. Lying about being at work would keep you from showing up at a time when he’s with his main squeeze. Telling you he didn’t like talking on the phone would ensure that you didn’t call at an inconvenient time and give the game away – or that you wouldn’t hear his other partner in the background.

His sending you home could well be because he was going to be seeing his other partner the next day. Or he might have been feeling guilty. Or who knows.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter. You were absolutely right to trust your instincts on this. He was acting very strangely, and you clearly were picking up on things. Whatever was going on with your ex, you’re better off not being part of whatever drama he’s caught up in.

Honestly, I would’ve said that finding out he’d lied about his name would be a deal breaker, but that’s me. You recognized things were messed up and you got the hell out. That’s the important part. Now you know that your instincts are pretty damn reliable. And next time, you won’t end up with a guy playing odd games.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 26 year old virgin who’s been on dates, but never had a relationship. I’ve had a history of depression and OCD throughout my life, with my psychiatrist suggesting that the OCD turned into body dysmorphic disorder. I ended up finding a great therapist a few years ago who taught me all about mindfulness and meditation and most importantly writing and journaling. Keeping a gratitude journal every night has been very helpful. After I got my MS degree, I wanted to move to North Carolina and get out of the small rust belt town where I was. So every night before bed I would write down affirmations that I am attracting a job in NC, I am attracting what I want. It was a lot of work to maintain that, work my then current job, and to keep actively job hunting and embracing the turn downs after interviews, but I got a dream job right where I wanted. I learned a lot about confidence in job interviews and how to learn from the negative outcomes. It has been a game changer in how I think about life.

Which brings me to the relationship thing. I mentioned the BDD earlier. I have been an active weight lifter for several years. It’s something I use to combat the depression and it’s become a center point in my life. Through that and changing what I eat I’ve turned myself from skinny fat into sculpted (6 pack abs, big arms, etc). The problem is that I still think I’m not big enough and especially not tall enough (I’m 5’10”). I absolutely understand that looking any certain way will not impress a girl on its own. I go to a gym on a college campus and naturally is crawling with girls in my age group. I want to put myself out there, but that nagging inner critic tells me that I’m not good enough, not tall enough, not big enough. They want the bigger guys at the other end of the room to talk to them, they’ll be disappointed if you talk to them. They’re in college and you’ve been done with college for a few years, you have nothing in common. You’re boring. You get the idea. But people all the time tell me I’m handsome or that they’re jealous of how I look.

Thing is, I understand the flaws in those statements. Whenever I go anywhere (hockey games, the mall, any kind of public place) I look out for couples where the guy is like me (not perfect, not 7 feet tall) and it’s everywhere. I absolutely know that guys like me are just as capable of finding love as anyone else. My best friends are living proof of this. None of them work out, they’re all in way worse shape than me, none of them are especially handsome, but they’re all so confident that they always knock it out of the park with dating and all that. I tell myself (and write most nights) that they all did it and so will I. I’m always looking for counter-evidence to the negative feelings I have about myself and I make note of it in my writings.

I go on meetups quite a bit. I mainly use it to go on hikes because I like the outdoors. The most recent group I joined has had a number of cute girls show up. I had a great time meeting them and conversing with them. I put no pressure on myself, I just met new people. Some of them approached me and engaged me without me initiating anything. It was amazing and I felt great about it. I felt like I was drawing in the right kind of people. And I didn’t ask anyone out, don’t worry. I’m going again this weekend.

I plan on having my friends help me take pictures of myself in order to make a match.com profile. As much as I’m trying, I don’t meet new people enough. I’ve avoided online dating because of all the negative things I’ve heard about it from people (both guys and girls) I know who’ve used it, but I need something new. I’m framing it as exposure therapy, that I can put myself out there and it’s not the end of the world if I get a no or a ghost.

I don’t harbor any resentment or bitterness against women (I know the mistakes I’ve made with the various girls I’ve gone out on dates with in the past), I know that where I’m currently at, everything that’s good and bad about my situation, is a product of what’s in my own head. That’s why I was able to get my dream job in my dream location and it’s also why I’m a 26 year old virgin. I’m always working to apply the job stuff to the relationship stuff, it’s hard, but I have to do it if I want it to change.

Do you think I’m on the right track?

Working It Out

DEAR WORKING IT OUT: I’ve read over your letter three times. And here’s what I’ve found:

You’re doing everything exactly right.

Honestly, you should be proud of yourself and the progress you’ve made. You have made incredible strides, working through a whole host of issues and BS to get to where you are. That’s huge, and it speaks a lot to your inner strength and your character.

The only thing I would tell you is that it takes a lot of practice and effort to make quiet those voices in your head. They’re incredibly insidious, because they whisper in your own voice and know exactly where to poke your insecurities with sticks. So don’t feel bad that you’re still having those negative thoughts or self-limiting beliefs. You’re working hard and you’ve come unbelievably far. Take some time to appreciate that.

Through your work, perseverance and a willingness to seek out help when you needed it, you have brought yourself to the precipice of an incredible future. You, my friend, have some amazing times ahead of you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I met one of my best friends in elementary school– he used to be my worst enemy, actually, in that I-will-hate-you-forever kind of way. However, during middle school, we started becoming more friends than enemies, and now we’re both in high school and we have a solid friendship. (We initially bonded over arguments about everything in the nerd spectrum, actually… and still kind of do.)

The problem is that he has a BIG HONKING UNREQUITED CRUSH. On me.

And I don’t want to date him.

The problem is that, ever since we were really little, the entirety of the universe has proclaimed that We Would Make A Cute Couple. Both sets of parents. Pretty much all of our friends, even some of the ones that I have explicitly told “NO I DO NOT WANT TO DATE HIM.” When we were little, both of us said it about the other repeatedly (said crush of his had not, presumably, been in effect by then). I’ve said it in front of him numerous times. When he was little, he said it in front of me numerous times. I continue to say it whenever some of our friends corner us. I say that no, he’s my friend and a nice guy, but I’m not looking for a date right now. Clearly, seriously, politely, and using those exact words.

He, on the other hand, mostly changes the subject.

I’m trying to be nice, but it’s gotten to the point where I’m hitting this guy over the head with it and he’s still doing a lot of things that I don’t want him to do. For example, he’s gotten into the habit of trying to drape himself all over me, like an octopus or a stage curtain. I let it slide the first time because I wasn’t really aware of his BIG HONKING UNREQUITED CRUSH, but then he thought it was OK all the time. Later on I started to shy away from his Yawn-And-Stretch Maneuver arms, as well as pointing it out whenever he tried to do it again (“Dude, you are acting like a possessive octopus.” “Please realize that this should be completely platonic.”) and I thought he finally got the point after it tapered off a little.

Until recently, when he asked if I would like to hold hands with him. I told him no.

“But–”

“Nope. Sorry.”

(whiny) “Aww, why don’t you just give in?”

This, in particular, set off a Giant Red Flag for me. I told him no, seriously, twice and he then tried to somehow persuade me into holding hands with him??? (For the record: he is not a touchy-feely person with his other friends and I haven’t ever seen him hold hands with any of his other friends.) Please stop it, Friend with Crush. 

How do I get this guy to get the point that no I do not want to date him? I have basically hit him over the head with it, but he won’t stop trying. 

— Gamer Girl Needs a Break!

DEAR GAMER GIRL NEEDS A BREAK: You know, there are times I really regret talking about how to escape the Friend Zone.

(Standard disclaimer: There is no “friend zone”. There are just people who don’t want to date you.)

A critical part of trying to make the jump from friend to lover is understanding that sometimes it’s just not going to happen no matter how badly you may want it, and the only thing to do is let it go like a goddamn adult. Unfortunately, there are people who insist on pushing and pushing and pushing and then complain to me when they’ve ended up alienating their friend entirely. 

Case in point: your buddy, GGNaB. This is a guy who doesn’t get it and you need to crack a clue-by-four over his head. Repeatedly if necessary.

You can start by establishing some boundaries. From the sounds of things and the examples you’ve given me, you’ve been trying to be as polite about telling him to back off with out actually saying the words “Back the hell off” and making them stick. You need to draw a very clear line in the sand, not just with the Octopus, but with his cheer squad as well and be ready to enforce it.

Here’s what you say:

“I don’t want to date you. I am not attracted to you, I have not ever been attracted to you, I’m not going to be attracted to you and I need you to stop trying. I don’t appreciate it when you start trying to get physical with me, I REALLY don’t appreciate it when you don’t take ‘no’ for an answer and to be perfectly honest, you are making it hard for me to want to stay friends with you. Either you build yourself a bridge and get over me, or we’re not going to be friends any more because it’s not fair to me that you keep making ‘why won’t I date you’ a condition of our being friends.”

That is the end of the discussion. Don’t let him whine, debate, derail or otherwise try to get you to soften your position because there’s nothing else that needs to be said. Repeat “I’m not interested in discussing this any further” and walk the hell away if he insists on continuing. 

You’re already seeing someone with some serious boundary issues – continually doing the “oh I’m just going to drape my arm around you because we’re friends (please accept my boner)” or asking you to “give in” (ugh) and if you don’t shut him down hard, then things are only going to get worse. The more you let him get away with without comment or pushback, the more he will be seeing this as tacit permission to continue.

This means that you need to be willing to act on your ultimatum. If you tell him that you’ll cut him off and don’t follow through, it’s only going to tell him that you’re not serious and that he’s got another chance to wear you down.

If he can’t get past his crush enough to act like a grown-ass man, then he’s proving that he’s not really your friend. If he doesn’t care enough about your comfort or your wishes, then you need to be willing to cut ties. It’s not fair that your friendship has to come with a side of aggravation and clingy, needy BS.

The same goes with all of your friends. You need to be willing to stand up for Team You and tell everybody else that either they can get with the program or they can back the hell off.

Hopefully this will be the wake-up call that your friend needs to straighten the hell up and move on. Otherwise, it’s time to dump him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m delving a bit in my past here, not because it still hurts me (not anymore its been awhile) but because I want to figure out what kind of situation it was and how it potentially happened.

I’ve been watching your videos on YouTube about “Nice Guys” and although it’s different, I think I may have acted a bit like a Nice Guy… even though I either tell the girls I like them, or just don’t go through with it and get over it.

But me and the this one particular girl, we were just friends, and it was like best mates (I’m from the UK). There was a two year difference but it wasn’t a problem, plus she had a boyfriend who I am still friendly with. But one day their relationship started to sour and eventually they split up, but I didn’t take advantage of it because I’m a bit weary of younger girls anyway and I didn’t fancy her.

The last I saw her properly was a few years ago I think, and for some reason not only did she split away from him but also drifted away from me for no apparent reason. I did get a bit worried because she did have other problems (I only talked to her about it, I didn’t want to get involved in any of it though). It didn’t help that she only communicated through a mutual friend and was using words like “back off” and “give me space”, which in my limited knowledge is something your partner says, and we were just best mates, borderline platonic.

Now I do admit at some point I thought I had a crush on her, but I didn’t and I’m glad I realized it was platonic because I had never had that relationship before so i didn’t now what it was.

Anyway after that she just cut off all communication, I did ring her a few times but no answer. I never knew what made her end our friendship considering the great times we had, I was kinda depressed about it for quite a while for some reason, it was kinda like losing a partner but worse because this is a girl who is the sister I always wanted in a way! So I thought of what she might have done to me, like maybe she was being depressed too, or bitchy or I don’t know. Maybe I was being full on? I don’t know. I just want to know what kinda situation this is, cos it has only really happened once and its puzzled me for ages! Literally I have never heard anything from her since.

Help?

Confused Ex Friend

DEAR CONFUSED EX-FRIEND: So you’re a good example of what the previous letter was talking about, which means in this case that you’re going to be something of a warning to others. You had a friend who was trying hard to establish some boundaries and - when you didn’t listen - cut you off entirely.

Here’s a hint: when someone says “back off” or “give me space”, you back off and give them space. Doesn’t matter that you weren’t dating; not having sloppy-makeout privileges doesn’t grant you immunity from respecting someone’s boundaries. This is especially true if she’s gone so far as to have somebody else doing all of the communication. She made made it very clear what she needed from you. You chose to ignore that and, well, you can see what happened.

Why did she drift away from you after her break up? Who knows. Maybe they divvied up the social circle and he got you while she got someone else. Maybe she associated you with bad memories of that relationship. Maybe she just really needed some time to hermit up and heal on her own terms. You’re not going to know, and the best thing you can do is make peace with the fact that sometimes there are no easy, clean-cut answers.

It sucks that things ended like that and you lost a friend, but now at least you know to do better the next time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently met this girl at a Halloween party, we hit it off and I ended up making out with her before she left the party. So far so good. The next day, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of the past of being unclear with my intentions sent the following message

“Hey,

So I’ll be honest, I don’t know what last night was, but I enjoyed it and I’d like to do it again. So do you wanna get coffee or see a movie sometime, see where it goes?”

She said yes and I ended up hanging out at her place to watch a movie. We talked some more, it was awkward at first but things seemed to be going well. I learned that she was 3 years older than me (she’s 24, I just turned 21) but that didn’t bother me, I’d had bad experiences dating people younger than me in the past and thought this would be a nice change of pace.

This time we hung out also seemed to go well, we made out on her couch, almost had sex but stopped cause her sister was coming over soon and she didn’t want to be caught in the act. No biggie, fair enough. We leave it with her giving me a lift home and making out in her car and agreeing to see each other again soon. So she goes away for the weekend to see her other sister and I go down to Melbourne for my birthday. I try messaging her over the weekend once or twice but she doesn’t respond. I don’t even get a text on my birthday from her which is the least i was expecting. I get back to town and send her a message to see if she wants to hang out. She says she’s babysitting her sister who is in town for work experience, also, no problem. I say “Hey, that’s ok, doesn’t mean we can’t talk right?”  

Then get this message from her:

“Hey, sorry I think you might have got the wrong idea when we met, I just want to be friends, I just thought I’d let you know”

Am I right to be confused? Being ‘just friends’ is certainly not the impression I’ve gotten and I don’t know how to move forward from this. I haven’t had the best luck with women and it’s been 3 years since my last and first girlfriend.

This is the message I sent afterwards which she hasn’t responded to

“Well you can see how I might have got the wrong idea. All I know is that I’ve liked hanging out with you the few times I have, and it felt to me like you did as well. I know jumping into something, whatever that might be can seem daunting but it doesn’t have to be.”

What should I do?

Heartbroken In the Outback

DEAR HEARTBROKEN IN THE OUTBACK: I hate to be the one to say this, but you need to accept that you got rejected and move on.

Here’s what happened:

She was cool with making out with you at the party. She liked you well enough to give a shot hanging out with you and making out some more when you hung out at her place. But then once she had some time and distance… well, she decided she wasn’t so into you after all. It’s hard to say just what flipped that particular switch; maybe your messaging her over the weekend struck her as being needy or clingy. Maybe she was seeing someone else casually at the same time and decided to get serious with them. Maybe she rekindled things with an ex. Maybe you were some naughty fun on the side when she and her significant other were on the rocks. Maybe her sister went all Iago on you and changed her mind.

Or maybe she just decided out of the clear blue sky that you weren’t her type, sloppy make-outs aside. That also happens.

But regardless, it happened and she was trying to give you the wave-off. First, she didn’t respond to any of your texts. As I’m always saying: one unanswered text is happenstance. Twice is worrysome. Three times is a message. No response is a response, after all. When you were back in town and continuing to not pick up what she was laying down, she gave you a more overt “no” by giving you the LJBF speech.

Now it might have been nice if she was more upfront – it would’ve saved you some heartache and her some annoyance – but unfortunately, it happens and you can blame society for this one. As I’ve said many times before: women, even in the 21st century, are socialized to be indirect when it comes to turning men down. They’re taught that they should be as solicitous of men’s feelings – even to the point of sacrificing their own – and as a result, frequently couch rejection in softer terms like “I just want to be friends” or “I’m not in a good place for a relationship right now”. What they mean is no, but saying “no” directly is frequently a risk – occasionally a physical one when the men take things badly.

To be fair: her framing things as “I think you might have gotten the wrong idea” when you’ve had repeated make-out sessions is pretty disingenuous. It absolves her from any part she played in your hook-ups (because I’m assuming this wasn’t because one or both of you weren’t so sloppy drunk that you couldn’t consent… right?) because how could you not see that she was sucking face in a totally platonic fashion? Maybe you missed her mentioning that she wasn’t looking for a serious thing? Dunno, I wasn’t there. And in the end, it doesn’t matter.

You had some fun times, they didn’t last as long as you would’ve hoped. It sucks, but there’s really not much to do but pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on to the next make-out session.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader but first time really asking a question. When do you just ask the girl out? When do you decide to ask? I’m not afraid to ask I just never know when to ask.

My example is last night, I went to my coworker’s last day karaoke party and gender imbalance is a bit high. It was only her and 6 dudes but her friend stopped by. We have a good time singing and I occasionally talk to her lady friend. Eventually we actually do start having a conversation. We flirt, we talk I even set up this whole thing where the rest of the night her goal is to get another $1 so I’ll exchange one of my $2 bills with her. It’s playful and fun.

Of course sometimes we split apart for a bit sometimes. I have to go a bathroom, I’m talking to someone else, she wants talk to my coworker who she’s friends with. Whatever. But she decides to bail early at the exit of the next bar. Now, I realize I could have just asked her for her number right here but I’m not so courageous that I could ask in front of all my coworkers. Maybe this the problem? But I’m not really sure how to ever set up the asking. Am I putting too much emphasis on the actual asking? Should I just stop giving a crap about being rejected in front of people? Should I just work it in the conversation earlier?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Biting The Bullet

DEAR BITING THE BULLET: Don’t overthink things. If you’re having fun, tell her that you’re having fun and you’d like to see her again. When in doubt, you can always pre-seed a potential date by bringing up an event that you’re looking forward to, then inviting her to come with you later on in the evening.

As for the “asking her out in front of people” issue: don’t sweat it. Most people aren’t paying attention to your conversation, and even fewer are going to notice and/or care that you’ve asked someone out. Same applies if she turns you down; as long as you don’t make a giant production out of it, then nobody else will either.

If she says no, you smile, shrug, and say “ok, cool, thought I’d ask” and then change the subject like it’s no big deal. If you’re especially nervous about doing this in front of people – and can’t find an excuse to get some air together or get a drink or what-have-you – then just create some intimate space by physically positioning yourself with your back to the rest of the group as you talk to her. Instant social privacy.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)