DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently met this girl at a Halloween party, we hit it off and I ended up making out with her before she left the party. So far so good. The next day, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of the past of being unclear with my intentions sent the following message

“Hey,

So I’ll be honest, I don’t know what last night was, but I enjoyed it and I’d like to do it again. So do you wanna get coffee or see a movie sometime, see where it goes?”

She said yes and I ended up hanging out at her place to watch a movie. We talked some more, it was awkward at first but things seemed to be going well. I learned that she was 3 years older than me (she’s 24, I just turned 21) but that didn’t bother me, I’d had bad experiences dating people younger than me in the past and thought this would be a nice change of pace.

This time we hung out also seemed to go well, we made out on her couch, almost had sex but stopped cause her sister was coming over soon and she didn’t want to be caught in the act. No biggie, fair enough. We leave it with her giving me a lift home and making out in her car and agreeing to see each other again soon. So she goes away for the weekend to see her other sister and I go down to Melbourne for my birthday. I try messaging her over the weekend once or twice but she doesn’t respond. I don’t even get a text on my birthday from her which is the least i was expecting. I get back to town and send her a message to see if she wants to hang out. She says she’s babysitting her sister who is in town for work experience, also, no problem. I say “Hey, that’s ok, doesn’t mean we can’t talk right?”  

Then get this message from her:

“Hey, sorry I think you might have got the wrong idea when we met, I just want to be friends, I just thought I’d let you know”

Am I right to be confused? Being ‘just friends’ is certainly not the impression I’ve gotten and I don’t know how to move forward from this. I haven’t had the best luck with women and it’s been 3 years since my last and first girlfriend.

This is the message I sent afterwards which she hasn’t responded to

“Well you can see how I might have got the wrong idea. All I know is that I’ve liked hanging out with you the few times I have, and it felt to me like you did as well. I know jumping into something, whatever that might be can seem daunting but it doesn’t have to be.”

What should I do?

Heartbroken In the Outback

DEAR HEARTBROKEN IN THE OUTBACK: I hate to be the one to say this, but you need to accept that you got rejected and move on.

Here’s what happened:

She was cool with making out with you at the party. She liked you well enough to give a shot hanging out with you and making out some more when you hung out at her place. But then once she had some time and distance… well, she decided she wasn’t so into you after all. It’s hard to say just what flipped that particular switch; maybe your messaging her over the weekend struck her as being needy or clingy. Maybe she was seeing someone else casually at the same time and decided to get serious with them. Maybe she rekindled things with an ex. Maybe you were some naughty fun on the side when she and her significant other were on the rocks. Maybe her sister went all Iago on you and changed her mind.

Or maybe she just decided out of the clear blue sky that you weren’t her type, sloppy make-outs aside. That also happens.

But regardless, it happened and she was trying to give you the wave-off. First, she didn’t respond to any of your texts. As I’m always saying: one unanswered text is happenstance. Twice is worrysome. Three times is a message. No response is a response, after all. When you were back in town and continuing to not pick up what she was laying down, she gave you a more overt “no” by giving you the LJBF speech.

Now it might have been nice if she was more upfront – it would’ve saved you some heartache and her some annoyance – but unfortunately, it happens and you can blame society for this one. As I’ve said many times before: women, even in the 21st century, are socialized to be indirect when it comes to turning men down. They’re taught that they should be as solicitous of men’s feelings – even to the point of sacrificing their own – and as a result, frequently couch rejection in softer terms like “I just want to be friends” or “I’m not in a good place for a relationship right now”. What they mean is no, but saying “no” directly is frequently a risk – occasionally a physical one when the men take things badly.

To be fair: her framing things as “I think you might have gotten the wrong idea” when you’ve had repeated make-out sessions is pretty disingenuous. It absolves her from any part she played in your hook-ups (because I’m assuming this wasn’t because one or both of you weren’t so sloppy drunk that you couldn’t consent… right?) because how could you not see that she was sucking face in a totally platonic fashion? Maybe you missed her mentioning that she wasn’t looking for a serious thing? Dunno, I wasn’t there. And in the end, it doesn’t matter.

You had some fun times, they didn’t last as long as you would’ve hoped. It sucks, but there’s really not much to do but pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on to the next make-out session.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader but first time really asking a question. When do you just ask the girl out? When do you decide to ask? I’m not afraid to ask I just never know when to ask.

My example is last night, I went to my coworker’s last day karaoke party and gender imbalance is a bit high. It was only her and 6 dudes but her friend stopped by. We have a good time singing and I occasionally talk to her lady friend. Eventually we actually do start having a conversation. We flirt, we talk I even set up this whole thing where the rest of the night her goal is to get another $1 so I’ll exchange one of my $2 bills with her. It’s playful and fun.

Of course sometimes we split apart for a bit sometimes. I have to go a bathroom, I’m talking to someone else, she wants talk to my coworker who she’s friends with. Whatever. But she decides to bail early at the exit of the next bar. Now, I realize I could have just asked her for her number right here but I’m not so courageous that I could ask in front of all my coworkers. Maybe this the problem? But I’m not really sure how to ever set up the asking. Am I putting too much emphasis on the actual asking? Should I just stop giving a crap about being rejected in front of people? Should I just work it in the conversation earlier?

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Biting The Bullet

DEAR BITING THE BULLET: Don’t overthink things. If you’re having fun, tell her that you’re having fun and you’d like to see her again. When in doubt, you can always pre-seed a potential date by bringing up an event that you’re looking forward to, then inviting her to come with you later on in the evening.

As for the “asking her out in front of people” issue: don’t sweat it. Most people aren’t paying attention to your conversation, and even fewer are going to notice and/or care that you’ve asked someone out. Same applies if she turns you down; as long as you don’t make a giant production out of it, then nobody else will either.

If she says no, you smile, shrug, and say “ok, cool, thought I’d ask” and then change the subject like it’s no big deal. If you’re especially nervous about doing this in front of people – and can’t find an excuse to get some air together or get a drink or what-have-you – then just create some intimate space by physically positioning yourself with your back to the rest of the group as you talk to her. Instant social privacy.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading the advice you’ve been giving many nerds like myself and I must say it is truly great. I come to you today with a problem that I feel is so simple to resolve but I just can’t see the solution (or maybe I don’t want to). Anyways I just turned 33 and moved from Kentucky to Los Angeles to begin film school in September. In my first class (classes are 1 month long) I had a group project to do. In my group was this girl who I thought was attractive but other than that I didn’t give her much thought. Then we got to talking and things started to change.

The first thing was that I felt as though we had a lot in common. Now of course both being in film school this was probably to be expected. However it wasn’t just that we both loved movies or anything that simple. We basically had extremely similar viewpoints when it came to film. Name a movie we had both seen and our opinions would totally agree with each other. In the beginning I just chalked this up to happenstance. Like I said earlier, people in the same fields generally have the same interests.

Anyways we are working on our projects and sometimes we would give each other a look when other people were dragging things along. She then proceeds to make the comment about how we can communicate with each other through nothing but our looks. (For the record she understood what I was saying way more than I understood what she was).

At this point I started to wonder if she liked me but wasn’t sure. None the less I began to playfully tease her and what not. Well that class ends and we have the weekend off before starting a new class together on the following Monday. Before we go any further I feel that I should mention that she is 22 and lives about 3 hours away, two things I took into consideration as to whether or not she wants a relationship with me.

So class begins Monday and she texts me about where the classroom is. This wasn’t the entirety of our text conversation though as we made a few jokes back and forth. Between classes on Monday, we went with some other people to get lunch but we sat together, with one other person. On Tuesday I took a seat next to her in class. She sent me a funny text about the class, I replied and then I asked her what she was doing for lunch that day. When lunch time came she decided to go hang out in her car and I went to get food.

These last few days we have said simple hellos and what not. I’m trying to not crowd her or come off as a creeper. I’ve sort of felt as though she is trying to distance herself but she isn’t acting differently so that might just be my own insecurities. I also get a little jealous when she talks to other people but I know that’s stupid.

I honestly just don’t know what’s going on. One moment I think that perhaps she does “like” me and the next I begin to wonder if it’s just wishful thinking on my part. I’m also torn because we are going to be in the same classes together for the next 16 months and I don’t want to alienate her or anything because we tend to work well together on projects and such. There’s also the fact that we could very well be work colleagues on day. On the other hand though if she is interested I’d definitely like to give it a shot.

Do you think it’s worth it? Is it possible that she likes me or am I just reading too much into nothing? If I asked her out and she said no would things become weird between us?

Thanks for reading,

Mr. Confused

DEAR MR. CONFUSED: Time to get out of your head, Mr. Confused. You’re overthinking things.

One of the biggest mistakes a lot of people make when it comes to gauging people’s interest is that they spend far too much time trying to read the tea leaves and not enough time actually doing something. It’s totally understandable; you – like many other men – are wanting to avoid an awkward scene where you ask someone out, they say no and suddenly you can’t look them in the eye and everybody’s uncomfortable and you’re wondering whether you need to go to another school.

The problem is that while watching for signs of interest is good, analyzing their behavior like it’s the Zapruder film and you’re trying to prove there was a second gunman isn’t. In fact, most of the time, that’s a procrastination tactic. You’re fooling yourself into thinking you’re actually making progress by doing research when in reality, all you’re doing is spinning your wheels. The problem is that, in dating as in life, fortune favors the bold and the active. The longer you hesitate in asking somebody out on a date, the more lessen the chances that they’re going to say “yes”. Let us start from an optimistic place and assume that she digs you. The longer you wait to ask her out on a date, the message you’re sending is that you aren’t interested in them. Meanwhile, while you’re hemming and hawwing, other people who don’t hesitate are asking her out. Even if she does like you, you haven’t sent any signals or made any moves. So whether she likes you or not, the fact is that you’re not doing anything and other folks are and the odds are that she’ll take the bird in the hand vs. the one in the bush (as it were.)

Then there’s the fact that delaying and procrastinating means that you end up bleeding off the attraction you do have. Hesitation and hoping for others to do the heavy lifting for you isn’t a great look on most people and that initial “ooh, this could be fun” can vanish if you’re not careful.

(Yes, it’d be great if more women made the first move. Unfortunately, gender roles are a bastard and society tends to punish women for being forward. So while we all should work towards a more socially equitable society where everyone feels equally empowered to approach, we also have to deal with the situation as it stands on the ground.)

The other issue is, honestly, most of the time when guys are reading the tea leaves, they already know what the answer is, they just don’t want to hear it. So they spend a lot of time looking for reasons why they’re wrong instead of just accepting that it’s not going to happen.

So what’s going on in your case? Well, it could be that she liked having a classroom buddy to make jokes with and dialed things back when she sensed you were interested in taking things to a more personal level. Or it could just be you’re in an intense program and she’s got her own things going on that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

But the easiest way to resolve this conundrum? Ask her out on a date. Say “hey, I have a lot of fun hanging out with you in class, and I’d love to take you out on a proper date. Would you be interested in doing $COOL_THING this weekend?” Either way, it solves your dilemma. If she says yes, then you’ve got a date. If she says no, then you’ll have your answer and be free to pursue someone who is interested in you. Either way, it actually moves you forward instead of leaving you stuck in this limbo where nothing is happening and you’re just building up more anxiety for no good reason.

You know how you keep it from being awkward if she says no? Don’t make it awkward. Getting turned down for a date isn’t anything to be embarrassed over or to treat as something shameful; it only becomes awkward if someone behaves awkwardly. If she says “no”, then you say “OK, not a problem. See you in class tomorrow” and just behave the same as you have been before. It only gets awkward if you treat her refusal like something shameful or a personal insult; if you suddenly can’t meet her eyes or refuse to talk to her afterwards, then, yeah, it’s gonna be awkward. On the other hand, if you treat her the same as you did before you asked her out? She’ll see that you’re a cool, well-adjusted guy and there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable around you. Most people are going to follow your lead when it comes to potential awkwardness; if you don’t treat it like a big deal, then they won’t treat it like a big deal.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a big fan of your blog, and as I find myself trading fairly new romantic ground, I wanted to ask you for advice.

I consider myself something of a loner, partly by choice and partly because I’m somewhat eccentric. I’m friendly to the people around me, but I infrequently reach out to them. Recently, however, a cute girl in one of my longer classes actually asked me out. I said yes out of curiosity, and to my surprise, when we went out for beers the next day we totally hit it off.

We’ve been dating for a week now (I know, barely any time at all), with things intensifying quickly emotionally (but no sex yet). She’s recently out of a 3 year relationship, and I’ve been off the dating circuit for… almost as long. But I’m having a great time. The thing is, she’s the kind of person who’s super intense and stays busy practically all the time. I, on the other hand, am a laid back geeky slacker type of person, who dislikes planning things in advance and spends plenty of time loafing around.

Therein lies the problem. When I try to make plans with her, I find invariably that she’s made tons of previous commitments while I’m almost always wide open. I’ve ruined previous relationships by being overly clingy, so I’m very conscious of the image I’m projecting here: that I’m always available, that I don’t value my own time, etcetera. What’s the best way to setup a date without seeming like somebody who doesn’t do anything with his life (which I… kind of am)?

Thanks,

Probably Needs to Do More Stuff

DEAR PROBABLY NEEDS TO DO MORE STUFF:

This is simple, PNDMS: you use your words. Instead of worrying about the image you’re projecting, just ask her what her schedule is like.  Say “Hey, I’d like to do this thing with you; when will you be free?” and find a time when she’s available to go on a date with you. You knew what her schedule was like when you started seeing her. You may not like making plans in advance, but that’s going to be part of the price of entry when it comes to dating her. So you’re going to have to learn to roll with it if you want this to work.

And while I get the fear of being clingy, there’s a difference between being a needy ball of slop and having more free time than the other person you’re seeing. One is about constantly trying to occupy her time because you’re afraid she’ll not like you if she has a few minutes to think about it and the other is simply lifestyle differences. Having a more flexible schedule doesn’t make you needy; constantly badgering her for dates or saying “how about tomorrow? Ok, the day after that? OK, the day after that?” on the other hand, is. It’s VERY early days yet and you can’t reasonably expect her to always move heaven and earth to see you when you want. So for now: you propose the date, she proposes the time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if I could ask you a question on a potentially sensitive issue; to cut a long story short, I’ve recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD after experiencing a very troubled and traumatic childhood. Whilst I’ve made a lot of improvements over the last few years thanks to getting professional help and challenging myself to become a better man, the one thing I’ve struggled with the most is with dating. Now there’s a whole lot of reasons for that which I’m working through in therapy, but given that you deal a lot with people writing in for dating advice and as someone who also has experience with mental health issues, I’m interested to hear your views on when it’s appropriate to disclose to a potential partner about mental health issues.

From a personal view, I feel conflicted about when is the best time; not that there may ever really be a ‘best’ time for this discussion in the first place. On one hand, I would like to let somebody know as early as possible so that they are able to make a decision about whether they feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone that needs a lot of support, as well as avoiding the possibility that somebody begins to feel emotionally attached but then feels hurt when they learn that I may not feel emotionally ready to do all the things they want me to do with them. At the same time however, I’m aware that my willingness to be immediately open about having C-PTSD may be interpreted by potential dates as a warning sign that I am not ready to take responsibility for my own well-being and looking for a partner to depend all my happiness on, a sign that I have attachment issues (which in all honesty I have the wonderful combination of being avoidantly attached at first with people, then anxiously attached when I trust them, but is something I’m actively working on and I feel that any relationship will be difficult if I don’t admit that and talk through my fears stemming from never having a secure attachment with anyone) or that it’s a red flag for someone who will use his past misfortunes as a manipulative tactic to try and keep a woman in an unhappy relationship. I’m also mindful that whilst I want to protect others as much as possible, I also need to protect myself and declaring something as personal as having a diagnosis may encourage the advances of abusive people.

So what do you think dude? Should I be waiting for a certain level of emotional intimacy before telling someone? Get it out of the way by making light of my situation and writing an amusing anecdote about it on my dating profiles? Make first dates painfully awkward by introducing myself with “Hi my name is Sandy Ravage and I have C-PTSD. On a scale of 1 – 10, how does this affect my chances of getting in your pants”?

Sandy Ravage

DEAR SANDY RAVAGE: The question of when to disclose… well, anything, when it comes to dating can be a contentious one. Lots of arguments have been had, amongst the advice-giving industry and elsewhere, about timelines and disclosure. This gets especially heated whenever the topic involves an issue with serious social stigma attached to it.

There are a lot of sides to the question – on the one hand, our potential dates and partners deserve the right to make an informed decision about whether they want to date somebody. On the other hand, some issues with significant stigma to them – which could range anywhere from physical to mental health to relationship status – can cause people to see the label and not the person. Putting disclosure off for a couple of dates means that people are more likely to get to know one another as individuals instead of whatever stereotype they have in their heads.

But on the third hand (because this issue was exposed to radioactive waste as a child), finding out later on about potential deal-breaking information could be seen as a violation of trust, especially if they’ve started to invest, emotionally.

So needless to say, there aren’t any easy answers to be had.

Now my personal philosophy is that you should time your disclosure based around how quickly this will become an issue. If the issue involves, say, having herpes or HIV, then it’s information that should be disclosed well before sex, and possibly before even sloppy make-outs. Doing it after the two of you have started to get physical – even if the pants haven’t come off yet – could freak people out. If the issue is one surrounding, say, an open relationship, then I think you have more leeway, especially depending on the nature of the relationship you’re pursuing with the other person. A casual fling makes it somewhat less immediately relevant than if you’re with someone who’s looking for someone to settle down with.

In terms of your mental health? Well… that’s going to be tricky, and much of it will depend on how your CPTSD manifests. If this is something that’s going to affect your relationship with them – whether it’s your attachment pattern, the way you respond to stress or potential emotional triggers – then it’s better to disclose earlier than later. Now, if you’re dating casually and there’s no expectation of things going beyond “we hang out on occasion and have a good time”, then I feel you can put it off. But if this is a relationship with a potential for serious commitment, then it’s better to let them know… especially if you need to be careful about how quickly you get attached to someone.

Regardless: this should be part of the Defining The Relationship talk, if you haven’t disclosed it before then.

But here’s what you shouldn’t do: you shouldn’t roll this out as something shameful or a deep dark secret that you hoped you would never have to share. The fact that you have CPTSD doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, weak or a poor relationship choice; it means that you’ve survived some s

t. You have been through the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it. Yeah, you have scars; anyone who’s been through what you’ve experienced would. But the fact that you recognize this, that you are actively getting treatment and working with a therapist and have a solid handle on where you are with your emotional health? Those are all positives. Those are signs that you are someone with their stuff together, who isn’t expecting somebody else to do all the emotional heavy lifting for them. You may have your issues – and hell, so does everyone – but you have actively engaged yours and are doing the work to make things better.

That’s a mark in your favor, as far as I’m concerned.

It may also help to hear from others who’d been there before. Ellen Fornay has an excellent memoir called Marbles about living with a mood disorder, including how she eventually told her partner. Reading her story might give you insight into your own.

So when the time comes, be ready for the Awkward Conversation. Sit down, explain why this is potentially awkward and how you’re concerned they will react. Then explain things clearly and calmly: here’s what happened, here’s why you have your diagnosis, here’s how you’ve been working on it and how you have it under control. Then, give them space. Let them know they can ask questions or share their concerns. And from there, the ball’s in their court.

Maybe they’ll be ok with it. Maybe they’ll decide they need to bail. Either way: their response will tell you everything you need to know. Think of this like your superpower or the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, SR. If they’re not right for you, their response to your telling them will let you know right away.

There will almost certainly be people who will take this as a deal breaker. That may suck, but it’s fine; they’ve shown that they were the wrong people for you and you’re well rid of them. Anyone who’s right for you is going to see this, not as a deal breaker, but as part of what makes you uniquely you.

You’ve got this, SR.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m at a crossroads. One road leads me to a solitude life forgoing any romantic relationships and trying to get back into dating.

Some context: I’m a 27 year old male. I’ve had a few girlfriends. Out of all of them only my last standout, MT and SJ

MT I dated when I was 17. She tried showed me how to love and be loved. I learned valuable life lessons I still carry today. When she left me I lost a lot of my confidence.

SJ I dated when 2 years after MT. I thought I was ready for a new relationship after giving it some time. SJ cheated on me on Christmas day at her mom’s house after she invited me there. I was hurt beyond any physical pain I’ve ever felt. It shattered me. It took me years to eventually pick up the pieces. We talked about it and we are now platonic friends. She tells me she is really sorry about what she did and I accepted it.

I tried thinking about all my relationships and this was my string of logic:

All the women I’ve dated are vastly different.

Most of them eventually left me.

I’m the only common point between these women besides gender.

I must be the problem.

This is pretty much how I arrived at my crossroads. Do I stop dating entirely and focus solely on self improvement and enjoyment or do I leave room open for someone else?

Trying To Make A Choice

DEAR TRYING TO MAKE A CHOICE:

Let me tell you where you’re going wrong, TTMAC: your logic isn’t actually logical. You have a classic case of “right data, wrong conclusion”. You may have all the data, but the fact that you have that data doesn’t mean that you’re drawing the right inference from it all. This isn’t A: God is Love, B: Love is Blind therefore C: Ray Charles is God. This is someone seeing Diogenes running around with a plucked chicken yelling “Behold, a man” and starting a Kentucky Fried Long Pig franchise.

The problem here is that you’ve assumed, like many do, that you’re the center of the universe. That literally everything involving your relationships was about you and only you. There’s no possibility of anything going on in MT or SJ’s lives that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. To pick an example: yes, SJ cheated on you. But did she tell you why she did it? Because even if it was a case of “well I’ve decided to hurt him in the worst way I know how,” then that’s not about you. That would be about her being an asshole.

I mean, let’s talk about some of the steps you’re missing in your logic here. Yes, all of the women you’ve dated are vastly different. So too are the relationships you’ve had with them. Each relationship is it’s own story, as unique and special as the person you’re having it with. And each story is going to come with it’s own unique challenges and issues. Why did you and MT break up? Well, call this a hunch but I suspect a lot of it came from the fact that you were both 17. I have known a lot of people in my time, TTMAC, and the number of folks I know who married and lived ever after with their high-school sweethearts can be counted on the fingers of one hand with enough left over to play Destiny with a keyboard and mouse.

And to be perfectly blunt: every relationship you’re in is going to end. Except eventually there will be one that doesn’t. And you have no way of knowing which one it will be until it happens.

But a relationship ending doesn’t mean that you screwed up somehow, or that it was a failure at all. The fact that you didn’t die in the saddle doesn’t mean that it was all worthless or that you’re a horrible, unlovable person. It just means that this story came to its ending. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just meant to be short stories. Some are meant to be dirty limericks.

And not every relationship ends because you screwed up somehow or that you’re flawed. Many relationships are intended to be fleeting things; they’re right for you for that stage of your life. But as you change and grow, you may well outgrow that relationship. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. That doesn’t meant that you’re an unlovable person. It just means that your relationship was meant for that particular stretch of time and it’s time for you to move to your next adventure.

The fact that it ended doesn’t make it a tragedy or a failure. If you can look back at that relationship with fondness, if you can hold on to that core of respect and affection for your ex, even if you’re not together romantically? That’s a success in my book. Hell, even your relationship with SJ strikes me as a success. Yeah, what she did was cruel and it hurt you. But the fact that the two of you have been able to reconcile, make your peace and and be friends again? That’s pretty goddamn impressive, dude.

I get that you’re hurting. I empathize. And you know, it’s not impossible that some of the relationships failed because of things that you did. But that doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or unlovable. It just means that you’re human, same as the rest of us. So instead of deciding that you’re screwed and flawed, do some real soul searching. Find the areas where you can do better and work on those. But also recognize that it’s not always about you. Relationships end… but they’re not the end. They’re not even the beginning of the end.

They’re just the end of a new beginning.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)