DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading the advice you’ve been giving many nerds like myself and I must say it is truly great. I come to you today with a problem that I feel is so simple to resolve but I just can’t see the solution (or maybe I don’t want to). Anyways I just turned 33 and moved from Kentucky to Los Angeles to begin film school in September. In my first class (classes are 1 month long) I had a group project to do. In my group was this girl who I thought was attractive but other than that I didn’t give her much thought. Then we got to talking and things started to change.

The first thing was that I felt as though we had a lot in common. Now of course both being in film school this was probably to be expected. However it wasn’t just that we both loved movies or anything that simple. We basically had extremely similar viewpoints when it came to film. Name a movie we had both seen and our opinions would totally agree with each other. In the beginning I just chalked this up to happenstance. Like I said earlier, people in the same fields generally have the same interests.

Anyways we are working on our projects and sometimes we would give each other a look when other people were dragging things along. She then proceeds to make the comment about how we can communicate with each other through nothing but our looks. (For the record she understood what I was saying way more than I understood what she was).

At this point I started to wonder if she liked me but wasn’t sure. None the less I began to playfully tease her and what not. Well that class ends and we have the weekend off before starting a new class together on the following Monday. Before we go any further I feel that I should mention that she is 22 and lives about 3 hours away, two things I took into consideration as to whether or not she wants a relationship with me.

So class begins Monday and she texts me about where the classroom is. This wasn’t the entirety of our text conversation though as we made a few jokes back and forth. Between classes on Monday, we went with some other people to get lunch but we sat together, with one other person. On Tuesday I took a seat next to her in class. She sent me a funny text about the class, I replied and then I asked her what she was doing for lunch that day. When lunch time came she decided to go hang out in her car and I went to get food.

These last few days we have said simple hellos and what not. I’m trying to not crowd her or come off as a creeper. I’ve sort of felt as though she is trying to distance herself but she isn’t acting differently so that might just be my own insecurities. I also get a little jealous when she talks to other people but I know that’s stupid.

I honestly just don’t know what’s going on. One moment I think that perhaps she does “like” me and the next I begin to wonder if it’s just wishful thinking on my part. I’m also torn because we are going to be in the same classes together for the next 16 months and I don’t want to alienate her or anything because we tend to work well together on projects and such. There’s also the fact that we could very well be work colleagues on day. On the other hand though if she is interested I’d definitely like to give it a shot.

Do you think it’s worth it? Is it possible that she likes me or am I just reading too much into nothing? If I asked her out and she said no would things become weird between us?

Thanks for reading,

Mr. Confused

DEAR MR. CONFUSED: Time to get out of your head, Mr. Confused. You’re overthinking things.

One of the biggest mistakes a lot of people make when it comes to gauging people’s interest is that they spend far too much time trying to read the tea leaves and not enough time actually doing something. It’s totally understandable; you – like many other men – are wanting to avoid an awkward scene where you ask someone out, they say no and suddenly you can’t look them in the eye and everybody’s uncomfortable and you’re wondering whether you need to go to another school.

The problem is that while watching for signs of interest is good, analyzing their behavior like it’s the Zapruder film and you’re trying to prove there was a second gunman isn’t. In fact, most of the time, that’s a procrastination tactic. You’re fooling yourself into thinking you’re actually making progress by doing research when in reality, all you’re doing is spinning your wheels. The problem is that, in dating as in life, fortune favors the bold and the active. The longer you hesitate in asking somebody out on a date, the more lessen the chances that they’re going to say “yes”. Let us start from an optimistic place and assume that she digs you. The longer you wait to ask her out on a date, the message you’re sending is that you aren’t interested in them. Meanwhile, while you’re hemming and hawwing, other people who don’t hesitate are asking her out. Even if she does like you, you haven’t sent any signals or made any moves. So whether she likes you or not, the fact is that you’re not doing anything and other folks are and the odds are that she’ll take the bird in the hand vs. the one in the bush (as it were.)

Then there’s the fact that delaying and procrastinating means that you end up bleeding off the attraction you do have. Hesitation and hoping for others to do the heavy lifting for you isn’t a great look on most people and that initial “ooh, this could be fun” can vanish if you’re not careful.

(Yes, it’d be great if more women made the first move. Unfortunately, gender roles are a bastard and society tends to punish women for being forward. So while we all should work towards a more socially equitable society where everyone feels equally empowered to approach, we also have to deal with the situation as it stands on the ground.)

The other issue is, honestly, most of the time when guys are reading the tea leaves, they already know what the answer is, they just don’t want to hear it. So they spend a lot of time looking for reasons why they’re wrong instead of just accepting that it’s not going to happen.

So what’s going on in your case? Well, it could be that she liked having a classroom buddy to make jokes with and dialed things back when she sensed you were interested in taking things to a more personal level. Or it could just be you’re in an intense program and she’s got her own things going on that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

But the easiest way to resolve this conundrum? Ask her out on a date. Say “hey, I have a lot of fun hanging out with you in class, and I’d love to take you out on a proper date. Would you be interested in doing $COOL_THING this weekend?” Either way, it solves your dilemma. If she says yes, then you’ve got a date. If she says no, then you’ll have your answer and be free to pursue someone who is interested in you. Either way, it actually moves you forward instead of leaving you stuck in this limbo where nothing is happening and you’re just building up more anxiety for no good reason.

You know how you keep it from being awkward if she says no? Don’t make it awkward. Getting turned down for a date isn’t anything to be embarrassed over or to treat as something shameful; it only becomes awkward if someone behaves awkwardly. If she says “no”, then you say “OK, not a problem. See you in class tomorrow” and just behave the same as you have been before. It only gets awkward if you treat her refusal like something shameful or a personal insult; if you suddenly can’t meet her eyes or refuse to talk to her afterwards, then, yeah, it’s gonna be awkward. On the other hand, if you treat her the same as you did before you asked her out? She’ll see that you’re a cool, well-adjusted guy and there’s no reason to feel uncomfortable around you. Most people are going to follow your lead when it comes to potential awkwardness; if you don’t treat it like a big deal, then they won’t treat it like a big deal.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a big fan of your blog, and as I find myself trading fairly new romantic ground, I wanted to ask you for advice.

I consider myself something of a loner, partly by choice and partly because I’m somewhat eccentric. I’m friendly to the people around me, but I infrequently reach out to them. Recently, however, a cute girl in one of my longer classes actually asked me out. I said yes out of curiosity, and to my surprise, when we went out for beers the next day we totally hit it off.

We’ve been dating for a week now (I know, barely any time at all), with things intensifying quickly emotionally (but no sex yet). She’s recently out of a 3 year relationship, and I’ve been off the dating circuit for… almost as long. But I’m having a great time. The thing is, she’s the kind of person who’s super intense and stays busy practically all the time. I, on the other hand, am a laid back geeky slacker type of person, who dislikes planning things in advance and spends plenty of time loafing around.

Therein lies the problem. When I try to make plans with her, I find invariably that she’s made tons of previous commitments while I’m almost always wide open. I’ve ruined previous relationships by being overly clingy, so I’m very conscious of the image I’m projecting here: that I’m always available, that I don’t value my own time, etcetera. What’s the best way to setup a date without seeming like somebody who doesn’t do anything with his life (which I… kind of am)?

Thanks,

Probably Needs to Do More Stuff

DEAR PROBABLY NEEDS TO DO MORE STUFF:

This is simple, PNDMS: you use your words. Instead of worrying about the image you’re projecting, just ask her what her schedule is like.  Say “Hey, I’d like to do this thing with you; when will you be free?” and find a time when she’s available to go on a date with you. You knew what her schedule was like when you started seeing her. You may not like making plans in advance, but that’s going to be part of the price of entry when it comes to dating her. So you’re going to have to learn to roll with it if you want this to work.

And while I get the fear of being clingy, there’s a difference between being a needy ball of slop and having more free time than the other person you’re seeing. One is about constantly trying to occupy her time because you’re afraid she’ll not like you if she has a few minutes to think about it and the other is simply lifestyle differences. Having a more flexible schedule doesn’t make you needy; constantly badgering her for dates or saying “how about tomorrow? Ok, the day after that? OK, the day after that?” on the other hand, is. It’s VERY early days yet and you can’t reasonably expect her to always move heaven and earth to see you when you want. So for now: you propose the date, she proposes the time.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if I could ask you a question on a potentially sensitive issue; to cut a long story short, I’ve recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD after experiencing a very troubled and traumatic childhood. Whilst I’ve made a lot of improvements over the last few years thanks to getting professional help and challenging myself to become a better man, the one thing I’ve struggled with the most is with dating. Now there’s a whole lot of reasons for that which I’m working through in therapy, but given that you deal a lot with people writing in for dating advice and as someone who also has experience with mental health issues, I’m interested to hear your views on when it’s appropriate to disclose to a potential partner about mental health issues.

From a personal view, I feel conflicted about when is the best time; not that there may ever really be a ‘best’ time for this discussion in the first place. On one hand, I would like to let somebody know as early as possible so that they are able to make a decision about whether they feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone that needs a lot of support, as well as avoiding the possibility that somebody begins to feel emotionally attached but then feels hurt when they learn that I may not feel emotionally ready to do all the things they want me to do with them. At the same time however, I’m aware that my willingness to be immediately open about having C-PTSD may be interpreted by potential dates as a warning sign that I am not ready to take responsibility for my own well-being and looking for a partner to depend all my happiness on, a sign that I have attachment issues (which in all honesty I have the wonderful combination of being avoidantly attached at first with people, then anxiously attached when I trust them, but is something I’m actively working on and I feel that any relationship will be difficult if I don’t admit that and talk through my fears stemming from never having a secure attachment with anyone) or that it’s a red flag for someone who will use his past misfortunes as a manipulative tactic to try and keep a woman in an unhappy relationship. I’m also mindful that whilst I want to protect others as much as possible, I also need to protect myself and declaring something as personal as having a diagnosis may encourage the advances of abusive people.

So what do you think dude? Should I be waiting for a certain level of emotional intimacy before telling someone? Get it out of the way by making light of my situation and writing an amusing anecdote about it on my dating profiles? Make first dates painfully awkward by introducing myself with “Hi my name is Sandy Ravage and I have C-PTSD. On a scale of 1 – 10, how does this affect my chances of getting in your pants”?

Sandy Ravage

DEAR SANDY RAVAGE: The question of when to disclose… well, anything, when it comes to dating can be a contentious one. Lots of arguments have been had, amongst the advice-giving industry and elsewhere, about timelines and disclosure. This gets especially heated whenever the topic involves an issue with serious social stigma attached to it.

There are a lot of sides to the question – on the one hand, our potential dates and partners deserve the right to make an informed decision about whether they want to date somebody. On the other hand, some issues with significant stigma to them – which could range anywhere from physical to mental health to relationship status – can cause people to see the label and not the person. Putting disclosure off for a couple of dates means that people are more likely to get to know one another as individuals instead of whatever stereotype they have in their heads.

But on the third hand (because this issue was exposed to radioactive waste as a child), finding out later on about potential deal-breaking information could be seen as a violation of trust, especially if they’ve started to invest, emotionally.

So needless to say, there aren’t any easy answers to be had.

Now my personal philosophy is that you should time your disclosure based around how quickly this will become an issue. If the issue involves, say, having herpes or HIV, then it’s information that should be disclosed well before sex, and possibly before even sloppy make-outs. Doing it after the two of you have started to get physical – even if the pants haven’t come off yet – could freak people out. If the issue is one surrounding, say, an open relationship, then I think you have more leeway, especially depending on the nature of the relationship you’re pursuing with the other person. A casual fling makes it somewhat less immediately relevant than if you’re with someone who’s looking for someone to settle down with.

In terms of your mental health? Well… that’s going to be tricky, and much of it will depend on how your CPTSD manifests. If this is something that’s going to affect your relationship with them – whether it’s your attachment pattern, the way you respond to stress or potential emotional triggers – then it’s better to disclose earlier than later. Now, if you’re dating casually and there’s no expectation of things going beyond “we hang out on occasion and have a good time”, then I feel you can put it off. But if this is a relationship with a potential for serious commitment, then it’s better to let them know… especially if you need to be careful about how quickly you get attached to someone.

Regardless: this should be part of the Defining The Relationship talk, if you haven’t disclosed it before then.

But here’s what you shouldn’t do: you shouldn’t roll this out as something shameful or a deep dark secret that you hoped you would never have to share. The fact that you have CPTSD doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, weak or a poor relationship choice; it means that you’ve survived some s

t. You have been through the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it. Yeah, you have scars; anyone who’s been through what you’ve experienced would. But the fact that you recognize this, that you are actively getting treatment and working with a therapist and have a solid handle on where you are with your emotional health? Those are all positives. Those are signs that you are someone with their stuff together, who isn’t expecting somebody else to do all the emotional heavy lifting for them. You may have your issues – and hell, so does everyone – but you have actively engaged yours and are doing the work to make things better.

That’s a mark in your favor, as far as I’m concerned.

It may also help to hear from others who’d been there before. Ellen Fornay has an excellent memoir called Marbles about living with a mood disorder, including how she eventually told her partner. Reading her story might give you insight into your own.

So when the time comes, be ready for the Awkward Conversation. Sit down, explain why this is potentially awkward and how you’re concerned they will react. Then explain things clearly and calmly: here’s what happened, here’s why you have your diagnosis, here’s how you’ve been working on it and how you have it under control. Then, give them space. Let them know they can ask questions or share their concerns. And from there, the ball’s in their court.

Maybe they’ll be ok with it. Maybe they’ll decide they need to bail. Either way: their response will tell you everything you need to know. Think of this like your superpower or the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, SR. If they’re not right for you, their response to your telling them will let you know right away.

There will almost certainly be people who will take this as a deal breaker. That may suck, but it’s fine; they’ve shown that they were the wrong people for you and you’re well rid of them. Anyone who’s right for you is going to see this, not as a deal breaker, but as part of what makes you uniquely you.

You’ve got this, SR.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m at a crossroads. One road leads me to a solitude life forgoing any romantic relationships and trying to get back into dating.

Some context: I’m a 27 year old male. I’ve had a few girlfriends. Out of all of them only my last standout, MT and SJ

MT I dated when I was 17. She tried showed me how to love and be loved. I learned valuable life lessons I still carry today. When she left me I lost a lot of my confidence.

SJ I dated when 2 years after MT. I thought I was ready for a new relationship after giving it some time. SJ cheated on me on Christmas day at her mom’s house after she invited me there. I was hurt beyond any physical pain I’ve ever felt. It shattered me. It took me years to eventually pick up the pieces. We talked about it and we are now platonic friends. She tells me she is really sorry about what she did and I accepted it.

I tried thinking about all my relationships and this was my string of logic:

All the women I’ve dated are vastly different.

Most of them eventually left me.

I’m the only common point between these women besides gender.

I must be the problem.

This is pretty much how I arrived at my crossroads. Do I stop dating entirely and focus solely on self improvement and enjoyment or do I leave room open for someone else?

Trying To Make A Choice

DEAR TRYING TO MAKE A CHOICE:

Let me tell you where you’re going wrong, TTMAC: your logic isn’t actually logical. You have a classic case of “right data, wrong conclusion”. You may have all the data, but the fact that you have that data doesn’t mean that you’re drawing the right inference from it all. This isn’t A: God is Love, B: Love is Blind therefore C: Ray Charles is God. This is someone seeing Diogenes running around with a plucked chicken yelling “Behold, a man” and starting a Kentucky Fried Long Pig franchise.

The problem here is that you’ve assumed, like many do, that you’re the center of the universe. That literally everything involving your relationships was about you and only you. There’s no possibility of anything going on in MT or SJ’s lives that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. To pick an example: yes, SJ cheated on you. But did she tell you why she did it? Because even if it was a case of “well I’ve decided to hurt him in the worst way I know how,” then that’s not about you. That would be about her being an asshole.

I mean, let’s talk about some of the steps you’re missing in your logic here. Yes, all of the women you’ve dated are vastly different. So too are the relationships you’ve had with them. Each relationship is it’s own story, as unique and special as the person you’re having it with. And each story is going to come with it’s own unique challenges and issues. Why did you and MT break up? Well, call this a hunch but I suspect a lot of it came from the fact that you were both 17. I have known a lot of people in my time, TTMAC, and the number of folks I know who married and lived ever after with their high-school sweethearts can be counted on the fingers of one hand with enough left over to play Destiny with a keyboard and mouse.

And to be perfectly blunt: every relationship you’re in is going to end. Except eventually there will be one that doesn’t. And you have no way of knowing which one it will be until it happens.

But a relationship ending doesn’t mean that you screwed up somehow, or that it was a failure at all. The fact that you didn’t die in the saddle doesn’t mean that it was all worthless or that you’re a horrible, unlovable person. It just means that this story came to its ending. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just meant to be short stories. Some are meant to be dirty limericks.

And not every relationship ends because you screwed up somehow or that you’re flawed. Many relationships are intended to be fleeting things; they’re right for you for that stage of your life. But as you change and grow, you may well outgrow that relationship. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. That doesn’t meant that you’re an unlovable person. It just means that your relationship was meant for that particular stretch of time and it’s time for you to move to your next adventure.

The fact that it ended doesn’t make it a tragedy or a failure. If you can look back at that relationship with fondness, if you can hold on to that core of respect and affection for your ex, even if you’re not together romantically? That’s a success in my book. Hell, even your relationship with SJ strikes me as a success. Yeah, what she did was cruel and it hurt you. But the fact that the two of you have been able to reconcile, make your peace and and be friends again? That’s pretty goddamn impressive, dude.

I get that you’re hurting. I empathize. And you know, it’s not impossible that some of the relationships failed because of things that you did. But that doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or unlovable. It just means that you’re human, same as the rest of us. So instead of deciding that you’re screwed and flawed, do some real soul searching. Find the areas where you can do better and work on those. But also recognize that it’s not always about you. Relationships end… but they’re not the end. They’re not even the beginning of the end.

They’re just the end of a new beginning.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long story short: we’ve been married 17 years, dated for about ten before that. Sex and kissing and everything else was, frankly, amazing in the first decade or so and, if I’m being honest, it was a strong motivator – but not exclusively – for getting married (I kind of think it always helps if you can make your partner come and they seem to enjoy being with you in bed).

Now, we hit a rough patch – mostly down to me being an a

hole with money – but we fixed things up, we had kids (and yes, I did my bit with through the night feeds and looking after them so my wife could rest), we got on with life and over time, sex dried up and became, at best, a monthly thing. Now, for a while, that didn’t bother me – we were busy, I always assumed we’d get back to where we were – but for the last few years it has really started to bother me.

I’ve brought it up and I’ve been told that she’s just not feeling that much into sex over the last number of years, which while annoying as hell, I can appreciate. I don’t want someone having sex just for the sake of shutting up their partner or for a quiet life. I’ve offered to try and do different things, all rebuffed.

Equally, when I’ve suggested things like we have a night for sex once a week, I’m told that removes the spontaneity of it, tried your tips for date nights and getting the heart racing and it was pretty much scorned as daft, I’ve tried romantic trips away, we have a good supply of babysitters, I’ve suggested that we go to counseling (that was rejected).

(Even when we do have sex, it’s me doing all the work, which again makes me think it’s only being done to shut me up.)

Now, we do do stuff together – though the wife’s preference is for going out with pals, workmates or to the gym (one thing that really annoyed me is when I suggested early morning sex, was told she would be too tired and then she started going to early morning gym classes) – and when she’s with her pals she’s more relaxed than with me (which can often feel more like a night with me, her and her phone, which you can rarely ask what she’s looking at as that bugs her though she has always maintained that she isn’t and hasn’t had any affairs).

So, as we have kids and as we aren’t screaming at each other (though we do often have very different points of view and this is something I’ve noticed more of later) and, to be honest, she is someone I like having in my life, there’s an impasse. It’s a relationship with no sex, no kissing (I could be standing in between the children and she will kiss them and not me) but I can’t see she’s done anything wrong (if anything, I feel like the a

hole here), so it very much feels like a friendship – or housemates – in many ways, which I’m not mad about but it is what it is.

So, the question is this: how do I friend-zone someone that I live with and find incredibly sexy and attractive because that may be the main way to save this relationship. I also need to work out a way of framing this relationship so that I’m not spending hours per day thinking about it and getting frustrated by it, because that – if nothing else – isn’t doing me any favours mentally, so friend-zoning may help and partially stop this marriage feeling so lonely.

Sexless in Shoreditch

DEAR SEXLESS IN SHOREDITCH: Whenever someone asks me about why their partner is no longer interested in sex, my first question is almost always “Do they see this as a problem?”

This is an important question to answer because ultimately, it’ll tell you what’s going on. After all, a lot of things can crater a person’s sex-drive: self-esteem issues surrounding age or weight, stress at work or at home, a lack of sleep, depression, certain medications… the list goes on. When you’re talking about a long term relationship, however, there tend to be two primary culprits. The first is boredom and familiarity; humans are novelty-seeking creatures, and even the most passionate relationship will cool over time when the sex is by rote – at the same time, in the same positions, etc.

The second is they’re not interested in sex with you.

And as much as I hate to say it, it sounds like the latter is your problem. It’s one thing if your wife was being an equal partner in trying to get your sex-life back on track. It’s another entirely when it seems like she’s just plain not interested in trying to fix things. And that’s a problem.

Part of what make relationships work are the offers we make to our partners – what Dr. John Gottman calls “emotional bids”. That is, when we suggest something like a date night, we’re making an offer or bid; we’re saying “I would like to do something fun and romantic with you”. The way our partners respond is to either turn towards it or to turn away from it. Agreeing and planning a date night – or suggesting another idea – turns towards the bid and, by extension, us. Ignoring the bid or refusing it, on the other hand, is turning away from it.

That’s what it sounds like your wife’s been doing, SiS. She’s turning away from your repeated emotional bids to work on both your sex life and your relationship. That…. isn’t good. Wanting to go out with friends is one thing; having a life outside of the relationship is actually good for a relationship’s longevity. The rest, however, is incredibly concerning. That lack of affection and the disregard she’s offering for both your feelings and your attempts to work on the relationship are danger signs, indicators that this relationship has deeper problems than just mismatched libidos. The fact that she’s actively disinterested in even going for counseling is even more troubling; that sounds like someone who’s checked out of the relationship entirely and is either coasting along or waiting for it to fall apart on it’s own.

You clearly want to try to save things, which is good. But I’m not sure your wife feels the same way. The best thing you can do is get ready to have an awkward conversation with her about what exactly is going on. You need to be willing to explain not just that you’re sexually frustrated, but how this makes you feel – like you’re alienated from your wife while she’s not interested in you or your relationship. You need to tell her why you feel this way, what you think will change (for the better) if you two work things out and what you’re willing to do. But then you also have to listen to what she has to say and why she feels the way she does. She might still be harboring resentments from that rough patch you mentioned that were never properly treated. There may be other issues from your marriage that’ve been bubbling under the surface that have never come up.

Or she may just be done. Done with sex, done with sex with you, or done with the relationship entirely.

The only way to know is to ask her. And then you have a choice to make: do you continue this as a companionate marriage or do you end things? Do you transition to an open relationship in order to make it possible to stay married? Do you have enough mutual respect and affection for one another that you can continue to live together as co-parents, if not lovers, or is it better for everyone involved – including your children – to start looking into a divorce?

Unfortunately, I don’t have answers for you; you’re going to have to make those decisions yourself. But it all has to start with that conversation. Otherwise, the only place left for this to go is downhill.

Good luck, man.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Since overcoming my social anxiety I’ve been going to Meetups for millennials, festivals, volunteering activities, bars and clubs looking to meet new people and new connections, and it’s been great so far in building platonic relationships with women as well as other men.

However, I’ve noticed that in the sexual/romantic department, I can’t seem to attract women my own age. However, I do seem to draw in women over 45. I’ve had women as old as 65 in bars approach me and ask me dance, and tell how adorable I am. One night in a club woman in her late 40s to early 50s asked me to dance while her husband was asleep in their hotel room above the club. Another time woman in her 50s asked if she could sit on my lap. I’ve NEVER had women my own age approach me in this way. My friends think it’s hilarious because it brings out the inevitable ”cougar” jokes. And in casual conversation older women compliment my looks and tell me how women my own age should be lining up for me. While I find it flattering and somewhat amusing, it frustrates me and hurts my self-esteem that I don’t get same attention from my preferred age group. It’s like I’m sexually invisible to women my own age. I NEVER notice millennial women showing interest in me, they never approach me, ask me to dance or even give off any body language that you frequently write about that invites me to approach them. No eye contact, nothing. It’s like I’m sexually invisible or undesirable to women my own age. I dress to impress, I have a great sense of style, wear clothes that fit, I take care of my body, and I have good hygiene, so I’m not sure what’s going wrong. I just feel like I have more in common with women my own age. If it was my body language then wouldn’t that stop the older women from approaching me as well?

Full disclosure: I’m a millennial, and I’ll be 31 next month, and my preferred dating age range consists of women between ages 24 and 36, and I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve met a lot of women my own age from these new social activities and I’ve had great conversations with them, and they always express interest in things I’m passionate about, and they say I’m a fun and interesting person to talk to but they never show any interest in taking things to that other ”step.” I’ve known exactly TWO women over the past four years who’ve made offers, but later they admitted the offers were tongue in cheek.

I don’t ask them out because I’m worried that I’m over-perceiving their interest me, or mistaking friendliness for romantic or sexual interest. I read a recent study from UT Austin that looked at single straight millennial women’s comfort when interacting with single straight men vs gay men. The study involved 153 women and all of them showed anxiety when meeting these men for the first time until the men revealed their sexual orientations. The women who were paired with gay men opened up immediately after the men revealed they were gay, whereas the women with straight men showed a lot of discomfort after those men revealed their orientation. One of the authors said that ”single straight women keep their friendliness in check when meeting single straight men for the first because they’re wary of men wanting more than a platonic relationship them.” So that just added to my reluctance to ask out millennial women in my social circle because I’m concerned that will put them off. Or am I just overthinking this?

Then there’s the approaching thing. My feminist lady friends have told me NOT to approach women at parties or bars with dating on my mind because that means I’m sexualizing them and only going by their looks. They tell me to wait until women approach me first. Like I said, that NEVER happens and has never happened. (Except for the older women.)

Another disclosure: I’m completely bald, so I wonder if that factors in. Maybe young women my age think I look too old for them?? Or is it because they have more inhibitions than older women?

I’m not going to use online dating, especially not Tinder or Bumble because, like I said, I’m bald, and I’m only 5’9. Online dating will just hurt my self esteem even further.

So is there a way to make women my own age approach me, and is my preferred age bracket ageist?

Sincerely, 

Younger Than I Look

DEAR YOUNGER THAN I LOOK: A couple things, YTIL.

First of all, the fact that you’re getting that much attention from women is a good thing, regardless of their age. The fact that women are approaching you is a sign that you’ve made quite a bit of progress.

But the reason why these older women are approaching you is because society still tells women that men are supposed to be the aggressors while women are supposed to be the passive recipients. Even today, women who shuck off gender roles tend to be viewed with suspicion (at best) by guys. Those more mature women you’re running into? They’ve reached an age where they have realized that they’re out of f

ks to give and they’re ready to toss social convention out the window. Part of why women reach their sexual peak in their 30s and 40s has far less to do with biology and far more to do with sociology. By the time women reach their 30s, they tend to be more in tune with themselves, more sexually confident and less willing to put up with the BS song and dance routine that still often defines modern dating.

So don’t take their interest as something unusual or unfortunate; it’s a positive sign of your progress.

But let’s talk about the women you’re interested in. I suspect the issue is less that you’re invisible and more that you don’t believe in your own attractiveness. You drop a lot of indicators about how you feel about your looks in your letter – especially your concerns about being 5’9″ and bald. You don’t believe that women are interested in you and so you round those indicators down. Case in point: you talk about the fact that you’re worried that you’re overestimating their interest and that you assume that you’re mistaking friendliness for interest.

That right there is the problem: you’re talking yourself out of believing that they might be interested in you because, well, you don’t believe it’s possible that they might like you. You’re ignoring potential signs because they they didn’t hop into your lap and start to wiggle. Which, honestly, most women aren’t gonna do, regardless of age.

The thing is, you’re falling victim to a lot of confirmation bias here, all based around the idea that you’re inherently unattractive and that your interest in someone is an unwanted burden that you’re dropping on them like a cat presenting them with a dead mouse. This means that you’re taking the wrong lessons from a lot of places, including your friends. Take the advice about not approaching women at bars and parties: this is bad advice. Bars and parties are explicitly social spaces, places where people go to see and be seen, to meet, mix and mingle. It’s understood that at parties and bars (assuming we’re not talking about things like professional networking events) that people are going to be social, to talk to strangers and possibly even strike up a relationship with them. That doesn’t mean EVERYONE is going to be interested in talking to strangers, but it’s part of the context of the scene. And the fact is that humans are visual creatures. Men and women both size people up by a multitude of factors, including their looks. Appearance counts towards initial attraction (though, critically, it becomes less important over time as you get to know them). You can’t tell that somebody’s a Rhodes Scholar by the way they dress, after all. Treating them as a sexual object is something to avoid – they’re a person – but the fact that you find them sexually attractive based on how they look? That’s fine and normal.

But like I said: this is confirmation bias. You’re taking the wrong lessons (and worse advice) from things, misinterpreting conclusions and ultimately cutting yourself off from potential dates and relationships. You don’t want to approach people and you also don’t want to do online dating. So… what’s left? Because sitting around and doing nothing clearly isn’t working for you either.

So you’re average height for a guy and bald. That’s fine. Neither of these is a dealbreaker, nor does it mean that you’re cursed by the universe. Some women may not date you because you’re bald, sure, but there will always be women who won’t date you for any number of reasons. Nobody out there – not Ryan Gosling, not Michael B. Jordan, not Lewis Tan – is going to appeal to everyone. Being bald is a polarizing look… and that’s a good thing. It means that the people who are into you are going to be really into you. As I’ve said before: you don’t want to be everybody’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. You’re better to find the people who crave you, not multitudes who think you’re ok.

You have to be willing to accept and believe in your own value and to put yourself out there. Stop talking yourself out of success, stop overthinking things and start being an active participant in your own love life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)