DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was wondering if I could ask you a question on a potentially sensitive issue; to cut a long story short, I’ve recently been diagnosed with Complex PTSD after experiencing a very troubled and traumatic childhood. Whilst I’ve made a lot of improvements over the last few years thanks to getting professional help and challenging myself to become a better man, the one thing I’ve struggled with the most is with dating. Now there’s a whole lot of reasons for that which I’m working through in therapy, but given that you deal a lot with people writing in for dating advice and as someone who also has experience with mental health issues, I’m interested to hear your views on when it’s appropriate to disclose to a potential partner about mental health issues.

From a personal view, I feel conflicted about when is the best time; not that there may ever really be a ‘best’ time for this discussion in the first place. On one hand, I would like to let somebody know as early as possible so that they are able to make a decision about whether they feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone that needs a lot of support, as well as avoiding the possibility that somebody begins to feel emotionally attached but then feels hurt when they learn that I may not feel emotionally ready to do all the things they want me to do with them. At the same time however, I’m aware that my willingness to be immediately open about having C-PTSD may be interpreted by potential dates as a warning sign that I am not ready to take responsibility for my own well-being and looking for a partner to depend all my happiness on, a sign that I have attachment issues (which in all honesty I have the wonderful combination of being avoidantly attached at first with people, then anxiously attached when I trust them, but is something I’m actively working on and I feel that any relationship will be difficult if I don’t admit that and talk through my fears stemming from never having a secure attachment with anyone) or that it’s a red flag for someone who will use his past misfortunes as a manipulative tactic to try and keep a woman in an unhappy relationship. I’m also mindful that whilst I want to protect others as much as possible, I also need to protect myself and declaring something as personal as having a diagnosis may encourage the advances of abusive people.

So what do you think dude? Should I be waiting for a certain level of emotional intimacy before telling someone? Get it out of the way by making light of my situation and writing an amusing anecdote about it on my dating profiles? Make first dates painfully awkward by introducing myself with “Hi my name is Sandy Ravage and I have C-PTSD. On a scale of 1 – 10, how does this affect my chances of getting in your pants”?

Sandy Ravage

DEAR SANDY RAVAGE: The question of when to disclose… well, anything, when it comes to dating can be a contentious one. Lots of arguments have been had, amongst the advice-giving industry and elsewhere, about timelines and disclosure. This gets especially heated whenever the topic involves an issue with serious social stigma attached to it.

There are a lot of sides to the question – on the one hand, our potential dates and partners deserve the right to make an informed decision about whether they want to date somebody. On the other hand, some issues with significant stigma to them – which could range anywhere from physical to mental health to relationship status – can cause people to see the label and not the person. Putting disclosure off for a couple of dates means that people are more likely to get to know one another as individuals instead of whatever stereotype they have in their heads.

But on the third hand (because this issue was exposed to radioactive waste as a child), finding out later on about potential deal-breaking information could be seen as a violation of trust, especially if they’ve started to invest, emotionally.

So needless to say, there aren’t any easy answers to be had.

Now my personal philosophy is that you should time your disclosure based around how quickly this will become an issue. If the issue involves, say, having herpes or HIV, then it’s information that should be disclosed well before sex, and possibly before even sloppy make-outs. Doing it after the two of you have started to get physical – even if the pants haven’t come off yet – could freak people out. If the issue is one surrounding, say, an open relationship, then I think you have more leeway, especially depending on the nature of the relationship you’re pursuing with the other person. A casual fling makes it somewhat less immediately relevant than if you’re with someone who’s looking for someone to settle down with.

In terms of your mental health? Well… that’s going to be tricky, and much of it will depend on how your CPTSD manifests. If this is something that’s going to affect your relationship with them – whether it’s your attachment pattern, the way you respond to stress or potential emotional triggers – then it’s better to disclose earlier than later. Now, if you’re dating casually and there’s no expectation of things going beyond “we hang out on occasion and have a good time”, then I feel you can put it off. But if this is a relationship with a potential for serious commitment, then it’s better to let them know… especially if you need to be careful about how quickly you get attached to someone.

Regardless: this should be part of the Defining The Relationship talk, if you haven’t disclosed it before then.

But here’s what you shouldn’t do: you shouldn’t roll this out as something shameful or a deep dark secret that you hoped you would never have to share. The fact that you have CPTSD doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person, weak or a poor relationship choice; it means that you’ve survived some s

t. You have been through the fires of hell and you’ve got the ashes to prove it. Yeah, you have scars; anyone who’s been through what you’ve experienced would. But the fact that you recognize this, that you are actively getting treatment and working with a therapist and have a solid handle on where you are with your emotional health? Those are all positives. Those are signs that you are someone with their stuff together, who isn’t expecting somebody else to do all the emotional heavy lifting for them. You may have your issues – and hell, so does everyone – but you have actively engaged yours and are doing the work to make things better.

That’s a mark in your favor, as far as I’m concerned.

It may also help to hear from others who’d been there before. Ellen Fornay has an excellent memoir called Marbles about living with a mood disorder, including how she eventually told her partner. Reading her story might give you insight into your own.

So when the time comes, be ready for the Awkward Conversation. Sit down, explain why this is potentially awkward and how you’re concerned they will react. Then explain things clearly and calmly: here’s what happened, here’s why you have your diagnosis, here’s how you’ve been working on it and how you have it under control. Then, give them space. Let them know they can ask questions or share their concerns. And from there, the ball’s in their court.

Maybe they’ll be ok with it. Maybe they’ll decide they need to bail. Either way: their response will tell you everything you need to know. Think of this like your superpower or the Hogwarts Sorting Hat, SR. If they’re not right for you, their response to your telling them will let you know right away.

There will almost certainly be people who will take this as a deal breaker. That may suck, but it’s fine; they’ve shown that they were the wrong people for you and you’re well rid of them. Anyone who’s right for you is going to see this, not as a deal breaker, but as part of what makes you uniquely you.

You’ve got this, SR.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m at a crossroads. One road leads me to a solitude life forgoing any romantic relationships and trying to get back into dating.

Some context: I’m a 27 year old male. I’ve had a few girlfriends. Out of all of them only my last standout, MT and SJ

MT I dated when I was 17. She tried showed me how to love and be loved. I learned valuable life lessons I still carry today. When she left me I lost a lot of my confidence.

SJ I dated when 2 years after MT. I thought I was ready for a new relationship after giving it some time. SJ cheated on me on Christmas day at her mom’s house after she invited me there. I was hurt beyond any physical pain I’ve ever felt. It shattered me. It took me years to eventually pick up the pieces. We talked about it and we are now platonic friends. She tells me she is really sorry about what she did and I accepted it.

I tried thinking about all my relationships and this was my string of logic:

All the women I’ve dated are vastly different.

Most of them eventually left me.

I’m the only common point between these women besides gender.

I must be the problem.

This is pretty much how I arrived at my crossroads. Do I stop dating entirely and focus solely on self improvement and enjoyment or do I leave room open for someone else?

Trying To Make A Choice

DEAR TRYING TO MAKE A CHOICE:

Let me tell you where you’re going wrong, TTMAC: your logic isn’t actually logical. You have a classic case of “right data, wrong conclusion”. You may have all the data, but the fact that you have that data doesn’t mean that you’re drawing the right inference from it all. This isn’t A: God is Love, B: Love is Blind therefore C: Ray Charles is God. This is someone seeing Diogenes running around with a plucked chicken yelling “Behold, a man” and starting a Kentucky Fried Long Pig franchise.

The problem here is that you’ve assumed, like many do, that you’re the center of the universe. That literally everything involving your relationships was about you and only you. There’s no possibility of anything going on in MT or SJ’s lives that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. To pick an example: yes, SJ cheated on you. But did she tell you why she did it? Because even if it was a case of “well I’ve decided to hurt him in the worst way I know how,” then that’s not about you. That would be about her being an asshole.

I mean, let’s talk about some of the steps you’re missing in your logic here. Yes, all of the women you’ve dated are vastly different. So too are the relationships you’ve had with them. Each relationship is it’s own story, as unique and special as the person you’re having it with. And each story is going to come with it’s own unique challenges and issues. Why did you and MT break up? Well, call this a hunch but I suspect a lot of it came from the fact that you were both 17. I have known a lot of people in my time, TTMAC, and the number of folks I know who married and lived ever after with their high-school sweethearts can be counted on the fingers of one hand with enough left over to play Destiny with a keyboard and mouse.

And to be perfectly blunt: every relationship you’re in is going to end. Except eventually there will be one that doesn’t. And you have no way of knowing which one it will be until it happens.

But a relationship ending doesn’t mean that you screwed up somehow, or that it was a failure at all. The fact that you didn’t die in the saddle doesn’t mean that it was all worthless or that you’re a horrible, unlovable person. It just means that this story came to its ending. Not every love story is meant to be an epic poem. Some are just meant to be short stories. Some are meant to be dirty limericks.

And not every relationship ends because you screwed up somehow or that you’re flawed. Many relationships are intended to be fleeting things; they’re right for you for that stage of your life. But as you change and grow, you may well outgrow that relationship. That doesn’t mean that you did anything wrong. That doesn’t meant that you’re an unlovable person. It just means that your relationship was meant for that particular stretch of time and it’s time for you to move to your next adventure.

The fact that it ended doesn’t make it a tragedy or a failure. If you can look back at that relationship with fondness, if you can hold on to that core of respect and affection for your ex, even if you’re not together romantically? That’s a success in my book. Hell, even your relationship with SJ strikes me as a success. Yeah, what she did was cruel and it hurt you. But the fact that the two of you have been able to reconcile, make your peace and and be friends again? That’s pretty goddamn impressive, dude.

I get that you’re hurting. I empathize. And you know, it’s not impossible that some of the relationships failed because of things that you did. But that doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or unlovable. It just means that you’re human, same as the rest of us. So instead of deciding that you’re screwed and flawed, do some real soul searching. Find the areas where you can do better and work on those. But also recognize that it’s not always about you. Relationships end… but they’re not the end. They’re not even the beginning of the end.

They’re just the end of a new beginning.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long story short: we’ve been married 17 years, dated for about ten before that. Sex and kissing and everything else was, frankly, amazing in the first decade or so and, if I’m being honest, it was a strong motivator – but not exclusively – for getting married (I kind of think it always helps if you can make your partner come and they seem to enjoy being with you in bed).

Now, we hit a rough patch – mostly down to me being an a

hole with money – but we fixed things up, we had kids (and yes, I did my bit with through the night feeds and looking after them so my wife could rest), we got on with life and over time, sex dried up and became, at best, a monthly thing. Now, for a while, that didn’t bother me – we were busy, I always assumed we’d get back to where we were – but for the last few years it has really started to bother me.

I’ve brought it up and I’ve been told that she’s just not feeling that much into sex over the last number of years, which while annoying as hell, I can appreciate. I don’t want someone having sex just for the sake of shutting up their partner or for a quiet life. I’ve offered to try and do different things, all rebuffed.

Equally, when I’ve suggested things like we have a night for sex once a week, I’m told that removes the spontaneity of it, tried your tips for date nights and getting the heart racing and it was pretty much scorned as daft, I’ve tried romantic trips away, we have a good supply of babysitters, I’ve suggested that we go to counseling (that was rejected).

(Even when we do have sex, it’s me doing all the work, which again makes me think it’s only being done to shut me up.)

Now, we do do stuff together – though the wife’s preference is for going out with pals, workmates or to the gym (one thing that really annoyed me is when I suggested early morning sex, was told she would be too tired and then she started going to early morning gym classes) – and when she’s with her pals she’s more relaxed than with me (which can often feel more like a night with me, her and her phone, which you can rarely ask what she’s looking at as that bugs her though she has always maintained that she isn’t and hasn’t had any affairs).

So, as we have kids and as we aren’t screaming at each other (though we do often have very different points of view and this is something I’ve noticed more of later) and, to be honest, she is someone I like having in my life, there’s an impasse. It’s a relationship with no sex, no kissing (I could be standing in between the children and she will kiss them and not me) but I can’t see she’s done anything wrong (if anything, I feel like the a

hole here), so it very much feels like a friendship – or housemates – in many ways, which I’m not mad about but it is what it is.

So, the question is this: how do I friend-zone someone that I live with and find incredibly sexy and attractive because that may be the main way to save this relationship. I also need to work out a way of framing this relationship so that I’m not spending hours per day thinking about it and getting frustrated by it, because that – if nothing else – isn’t doing me any favours mentally, so friend-zoning may help and partially stop this marriage feeling so lonely.

Sexless in Shoreditch

DEAR SEXLESS IN SHOREDITCH: Whenever someone asks me about why their partner is no longer interested in sex, my first question is almost always “Do they see this as a problem?”

This is an important question to answer because ultimately, it’ll tell you what’s going on. After all, a lot of things can crater a person’s sex-drive: self-esteem issues surrounding age or weight, stress at work or at home, a lack of sleep, depression, certain medications… the list goes on. When you’re talking about a long term relationship, however, there tend to be two primary culprits. The first is boredom and familiarity; humans are novelty-seeking creatures, and even the most passionate relationship will cool over time when the sex is by rote – at the same time, in the same positions, etc.

The second is they’re not interested in sex with you.

And as much as I hate to say it, it sounds like the latter is your problem. It’s one thing if your wife was being an equal partner in trying to get your sex-life back on track. It’s another entirely when it seems like she’s just plain not interested in trying to fix things. And that’s a problem.

Part of what make relationships work are the offers we make to our partners – what Dr. John Gottman calls “emotional bids”. That is, when we suggest something like a date night, we’re making an offer or bid; we’re saying “I would like to do something fun and romantic with you”. The way our partners respond is to either turn towards it or to turn away from it. Agreeing and planning a date night – or suggesting another idea – turns towards the bid and, by extension, us. Ignoring the bid or refusing it, on the other hand, is turning away from it.

That’s what it sounds like your wife’s been doing, SiS. She’s turning away from your repeated emotional bids to work on both your sex life and your relationship. That…. isn’t good. Wanting to go out with friends is one thing; having a life outside of the relationship is actually good for a relationship’s longevity. The rest, however, is incredibly concerning. That lack of affection and the disregard she’s offering for both your feelings and your attempts to work on the relationship are danger signs, indicators that this relationship has deeper problems than just mismatched libidos. The fact that she’s actively disinterested in even going for counseling is even more troubling; that sounds like someone who’s checked out of the relationship entirely and is either coasting along or waiting for it to fall apart on it’s own.

You clearly want to try to save things, which is good. But I’m not sure your wife feels the same way. The best thing you can do is get ready to have an awkward conversation with her about what exactly is going on. You need to be willing to explain not just that you’re sexually frustrated, but how this makes you feel – like you’re alienated from your wife while she’s not interested in you or your relationship. You need to tell her why you feel this way, what you think will change (for the better) if you two work things out and what you’re willing to do. But then you also have to listen to what she has to say and why she feels the way she does. She might still be harboring resentments from that rough patch you mentioned that were never properly treated. There may be other issues from your marriage that’ve been bubbling under the surface that have never come up.

Or she may just be done. Done with sex, done with sex with you, or done with the relationship entirely.

The only way to know is to ask her. And then you have a choice to make: do you continue this as a companionate marriage or do you end things? Do you transition to an open relationship in order to make it possible to stay married? Do you have enough mutual respect and affection for one another that you can continue to live together as co-parents, if not lovers, or is it better for everyone involved – including your children – to start looking into a divorce?

Unfortunately, I don’t have answers for you; you’re going to have to make those decisions yourself. But it all has to start with that conversation. Otherwise, the only place left for this to go is downhill.

Good luck, man.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Since overcoming my social anxiety I’ve been going to Meetups for millennials, festivals, volunteering activities, bars and clubs looking to meet new people and new connections, and it’s been great so far in building platonic relationships with women as well as other men.

However, I’ve noticed that in the sexual/romantic department, I can’t seem to attract women my own age. However, I do seem to draw in women over 45. I’ve had women as old as 65 in bars approach me and ask me dance, and tell how adorable I am. One night in a club woman in her late 40s to early 50s asked me to dance while her husband was asleep in their hotel room above the club. Another time woman in her 50s asked if she could sit on my lap. I’ve NEVER had women my own age approach me in this way. My friends think it’s hilarious because it brings out the inevitable ”cougar” jokes. And in casual conversation older women compliment my looks and tell me how women my own age should be lining up for me. While I find it flattering and somewhat amusing, it frustrates me and hurts my self-esteem that I don’t get same attention from my preferred age group. It’s like I’m sexually invisible to women my own age. I NEVER notice millennial women showing interest in me, they never approach me, ask me to dance or even give off any body language that you frequently write about that invites me to approach them. No eye contact, nothing. It’s like I’m sexually invisible or undesirable to women my own age. I dress to impress, I have a great sense of style, wear clothes that fit, I take care of my body, and I have good hygiene, so I’m not sure what’s going wrong. I just feel like I have more in common with women my own age. If it was my body language then wouldn’t that stop the older women from approaching me as well?

Full disclosure: I’m a millennial, and I’ll be 31 next month, and my preferred dating age range consists of women between ages 24 and 36, and I’ve never had a relationship. I’ve met a lot of women my own age from these new social activities and I’ve had great conversations with them, and they always express interest in things I’m passionate about, and they say I’m a fun and interesting person to talk to but they never show any interest in taking things to that other ”step.” I’ve known exactly TWO women over the past four years who’ve made offers, but later they admitted the offers were tongue in cheek.

I don’t ask them out because I’m worried that I’m over-perceiving their interest me, or mistaking friendliness for romantic or sexual interest. I read a recent study from UT Austin that looked at single straight millennial women’s comfort when interacting with single straight men vs gay men. The study involved 153 women and all of them showed anxiety when meeting these men for the first time until the men revealed their sexual orientations. The women who were paired with gay men opened up immediately after the men revealed they were gay, whereas the women with straight men showed a lot of discomfort after those men revealed their orientation. One of the authors said that ”single straight women keep their friendliness in check when meeting single straight men for the first because they’re wary of men wanting more than a platonic relationship them.” So that just added to my reluctance to ask out millennial women in my social circle because I’m concerned that will put them off. Or am I just overthinking this?

Then there’s the approaching thing. My feminist lady friends have told me NOT to approach women at parties or bars with dating on my mind because that means I’m sexualizing them and only going by their looks. They tell me to wait until women approach me first. Like I said, that NEVER happens and has never happened. (Except for the older women.)

Another disclosure: I’m completely bald, so I wonder if that factors in. Maybe young women my age think I look too old for them?? Or is it because they have more inhibitions than older women?

I’m not going to use online dating, especially not Tinder or Bumble because, like I said, I’m bald, and I’m only 5’9. Online dating will just hurt my self esteem even further.

So is there a way to make women my own age approach me, and is my preferred age bracket ageist?

Sincerely, 

Younger Than I Look

DEAR YOUNGER THAN I LOOK: A couple things, YTIL.

First of all, the fact that you’re getting that much attention from women is a good thing, regardless of their age. The fact that women are approaching you is a sign that you’ve made quite a bit of progress.

But the reason why these older women are approaching you is because society still tells women that men are supposed to be the aggressors while women are supposed to be the passive recipients. Even today, women who shuck off gender roles tend to be viewed with suspicion (at best) by guys. Those more mature women you’re running into? They’ve reached an age where they have realized that they’re out of f

ks to give and they’re ready to toss social convention out the window. Part of why women reach their sexual peak in their 30s and 40s has far less to do with biology and far more to do with sociology. By the time women reach their 30s, they tend to be more in tune with themselves, more sexually confident and less willing to put up with the BS song and dance routine that still often defines modern dating.

So don’t take their interest as something unusual or unfortunate; it’s a positive sign of your progress.

But let’s talk about the women you’re interested in. I suspect the issue is less that you’re invisible and more that you don’t believe in your own attractiveness. You drop a lot of indicators about how you feel about your looks in your letter – especially your concerns about being 5’9″ and bald. You don’t believe that women are interested in you and so you round those indicators down. Case in point: you talk about the fact that you’re worried that you’re overestimating their interest and that you assume that you’re mistaking friendliness for interest.

That right there is the problem: you’re talking yourself out of believing that they might be interested in you because, well, you don’t believe it’s possible that they might like you. You’re ignoring potential signs because they they didn’t hop into your lap and start to wiggle. Which, honestly, most women aren’t gonna do, regardless of age.

The thing is, you’re falling victim to a lot of confirmation bias here, all based around the idea that you’re inherently unattractive and that your interest in someone is an unwanted burden that you’re dropping on them like a cat presenting them with a dead mouse. This means that you’re taking the wrong lessons from a lot of places, including your friends. Take the advice about not approaching women at bars and parties: this is bad advice. Bars and parties are explicitly social spaces, places where people go to see and be seen, to meet, mix and mingle. It’s understood that at parties and bars (assuming we’re not talking about things like professional networking events) that people are going to be social, to talk to strangers and possibly even strike up a relationship with them. That doesn’t mean EVERYONE is going to be interested in talking to strangers, but it’s part of the context of the scene. And the fact is that humans are visual creatures. Men and women both size people up by a multitude of factors, including their looks. Appearance counts towards initial attraction (though, critically, it becomes less important over time as you get to know them). You can’t tell that somebody’s a Rhodes Scholar by the way they dress, after all. Treating them as a sexual object is something to avoid – they’re a person – but the fact that you find them sexually attractive based on how they look? That’s fine and normal.

But like I said: this is confirmation bias. You’re taking the wrong lessons (and worse advice) from things, misinterpreting conclusions and ultimately cutting yourself off from potential dates and relationships. You don’t want to approach people and you also don’t want to do online dating. So… what’s left? Because sitting around and doing nothing clearly isn’t working for you either.

So you’re average height for a guy and bald. That’s fine. Neither of these is a dealbreaker, nor does it mean that you’re cursed by the universe. Some women may not date you because you’re bald, sure, but there will always be women who won’t date you for any number of reasons. Nobody out there – not Ryan Gosling, not Michael B. Jordan, not Lewis Tan – is going to appeal to everyone. Being bald is a polarizing look… and that’s a good thing. It means that the people who are into you are going to be really into you. As I’ve said before: you don’t want to be everybody’s cup of tea, you want to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. You’re better to find the people who crave you, not multitudes who think you’re ok.

You have to be willing to accept and believe in your own value and to put yourself out there. Stop talking yourself out of success, stop overthinking things and start being an active participant in your own love life.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Appreciate the site, and your responses to so many of us trying to figure this whole “desire for romance” thing out. It’s not easy, so thank you.

My question to you regards the idea of “commitment-phobia”. I put it in quotation marks because, while I had heard the term before, I never really knew there was a pattern of behavior associated with the phrase. I just assumed it was what people told themselves/others when they were rejected by someone they fancied so as to alleviate the sting of that rejection. Plus, I know it’s not an actual, clinical diagnosis with criteria that need to be met and so forth so I never really thought it could be a real thing.

Until it happened to me.

I was telling my buddy that the great woman (we’ll call her E) I spent two months with abruptly ended everything and pulled the “I’m not ready for a relationship” card (another phrase I never take at face value, to be honest) out of nowhere. My buddy was aware of how quickly things between myself and E escalated, and upon hearing of her very sudden and unexpected departure, said “yeah dude. She’s afraid of commitment.” After telling him I thought that was bulls

t, he went on to explain that commitment-phobia unfolds exactly how things unfolded with E and I. Commitment-phobes are super, crazy hot for you at the beginning, but the second they feel like a real relationship is forming, with obligations and expectations they’ll need to meet, they leave. They’re terrified of these obligations, these expectations, so goes the theory of commitment-phobia.

I started reading what the internet had to say about commitment-phobia and was floored. Blown away by how SPECIFIC these sites/authors were relaying E’s behavior. Our relationship was textbook commitment-phobia, come to find. We met through a friend of a friend and immediately hit it off. Numbers were exchanged that first night, flirted for about a month before our schedules allowed us to see each other again, and we were off and running. Text messages throughout the day, staying with each other two, three nights a week, dinners cooked, friends met and sex, sex, sex. Each and every time we were alone at either my place or hers, it went down. And SHE initiated virtually all of these things. I never said no to her, despite thinking once or twice that we were moving pretty fast, because I was absolutely crazy about her. She was amazing. We had “the talk” two weeks in, where she told me she thought about some reasons she shouldn’t move things forward with me but that she ultimately decided she had to be with me, she felt for me that much. “There’s no way I can not be in a relationship with you” she said, verbatim. I was absolutely over the moon. Couldn’t have been happier to hear her say that, I was head over heels for this woman.

So, this goes on for two months until one Monday night (she always came over on Mondays after her dance class and stayed the night with me; again, we definitely had a routine of shared time down by this point) she arrives without her overnight bag. I ask why she doesn’t have it, and she tells me we need to talk. My heart immediately sunk. Those are never good words to hear from your woman and sure enough, she did what everyone does when they tell you they “need to talk”. She dumped me. And did it by explaining how perfect a guy I am and that “this isn’t some Tinder fling with you, I think about you way too much, all day, and I can’t have that in my life right now. I’m way too busy starting my career and I’ve been through a lot of changes in life recently. You’re such a good, genuine person and I can’t give you what I know you deserve right now, so I have to end this.”

Crushed, broken-hearted and dejected I told her I wished she felt differently, that I would hope this could be something we actually talked about before she made such a big decision, but her mind was made up. So, I told her how much I cared about her and how awesome I thought our connection was one last time and then let her go.

But she didn’t let me go. Again, according to the patterns of behavior associated with commitment-phobia I read so much about, the commitment-phobe will end the relationship only until the anxiety they feel over being in a relationship and all the expectations with it subside, and then they’ll be back in touch. And E was. Not specifically to get back together, but to ask questions that didn’t need asking, to make comments that didn’t need to be made and just overall being unable to go without being in touch for more than two or three weeks at a time. I ultimately had to tell her not to be in touch with me for any reason, no matter how big or small she thought it was unless it was to discuss the rekindling of our intimate and romantic relationship.

To sum things up, and my question to you, is what I should be making of all of this and are the red flags described in the ideas of commitment-phobia something I need to pay closer attention should I find myself in a similar situation in the future? “If it feels great and is moving quickly because two people legitimately have deep feelings for one another, and they realize this soon, then SHUT IT DOWN because one of you is a commitment-phobe”. That just sounds crazy.

Or could E have been legitimately honest when she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship when she did so much, and went so far out of her way to make me think she did, and that she was into me and was in it for the long haul? If that’s the case, how is it possible the idea of her not being ready for a relationship only occurred to her after making it a point to spend as much time with me as she could for two whole months? She’s a mature, adult woman who is HIGHLY educated (38 years old with a Ph.D. in psychology FFS). How could she NOT have known she wasn’t ready for a relationship when we flirted for a month and then she solidified everything herself by bringing up “the talk” and telling me she had to be in a relationship with me?

I’ve had my fair share of experiences with women, I know when they pull the “I’m not ready” card it’s because they’re just not into you, but NOTHING about E’s behavior made me think she wasn’t anything but crazy about me.

What am I missing here?

Signed, 

Victim of Commitment-phobia?

DEAR VICTIM OF COMMITMENT-PHOBIA: Funny thing about women, VCP: sometimes (many times, really) when they say “I’m not ready”, they mean it. It’s not just a polite way of shutting things down and rejecting you, it’s that they really and truly feel like they can’t commit to you. More often than not – and in my experience, the commitment-phobes fall into this category – the issue has far more to do with a state of anxiety than any actual, logical issue.

Now where this anxiety comes from is up for debate. Some people who are commitment-phobic have had traumatic experiences in their relationships and so are afraid of being hurt again. Some have a classic anxious attachment style and start to feel anxiety when they feel that their needs aren’t being met or that their partners are really looking for an excuse to end the relationship. And still others have issues surrounding their own sense of deservedness; they don’t feel that they’re “worthy” of love and so they freak out when they’re in a position to actually be in a relationship.

So why does people like this fall in love so hard, so quickly? Because they crave that connection. They want that relationship, they want love so badly they can taste it. And that feeling is intoxicating. It’s easy to give into the rush, especially if you don’t have much actual relationship experience. But that rush comes with an equally powerful crash. Maybe they’ve experienced that rush before, in a relationship that fell apart and so they’re also afraid of the crash. Maybe they’re terrified by the intensity of their own feelings and worry that this means they’re making a mistake. They could worry that the intensity and the pace means that something is wrong, that this is a bad sign. Or they could worry that the person they’re falling for is falling for an illusion, a mistaken idea of who they are and will inevitably be hurt and angry when they see the reality.

Or they could very well be the sort of person who sabotages their own relationships because they don’t feel like they have a right to be happy.

But what about your ex? How could someone so smart and accomplished and presumably self-aware not realize she’s not ready for a relationship? Well, because anxiety isn’t rational, dude. She very well may have hoped that she was ready only to have her jerk-brain kick in and smack the blinders off. She may have legitimately thought that this time, this time it could work, only to fall into those same self-destructive patterns. Or this may just be how she works and she hasn’t processed that this is her relationship style: burning like a bonfire, but burning out just as quickly.

And you? How can you navigate this scenario if it comes up again?

Well, to start with: don’t play along. You can tap the brakes just as easily as she can. Things may be feel amazing and intense and you two may feel as though you have a passion and a love that nobody has ever experienced before… but that doesn’t mean that you have to go full-tilt boogie with it. You can say “hey, this feels incredible and I love what we have, but I want to slow things down.” You can make the conscious choice to dial things back a little, if only to make sure you’re not rushing into things and letting the joy of limerence overwhelm the rest of you. Wanting to slow things down, not commit early or making the conscious choice to NOT see each other every other day can help give you the breathing room to be a little more rational and less reactive. Having that breathing room can also help someone with anxiety issues get enough space and perspective that they can try to ease their brain-weasels. If they don’t feel that things are rushing to an inevitable, inexorable conclusion, it’s a lot easier to take a breath and a beat and talk themselves off the ledge; doubly so if they can open up to you about their anxiety.

So when things are feeling intense and rushed, then have a variation of that Defining The Relationship talk. Share that you are thrilled by everything going on between the two of you, but you want to slow things down a bit so the two of you can catch your breath and savor it all. Choosing to slow down won’t hurt or diminish your feelings for one another, but it can help everyone keep their head at a time when you very much want to lose it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been nursing a crush on a member of my stunt acting team for a while now (yeah, that’s a wild intro. I swear I wouldn’t mention it if it weren’t relevant). We definitely flirt, but in that way that actors do that may or may not mean anything about our mutual interest in anything more than flirting.

The thing is, on top of being my coworker of sorts, he also has talked when we’ve gone out in a group for drinks after practice about not wanting to have sex before marriage (he wears a purity ring and everything). That’s not something that necessarily bothers me in a potential partner in its most literal definition, but it’s not an attitude I share in my own sexual practices. Mostly, it feels like it has the potential to carry a lot of additional clauses that DO bother me, like wanting to get married pretty quickly or not wanting to do anything sexual at all before marriage. It’s just enough to make the prospect of asking him out feel extra daunting, because I don’t know how much this difference in our personal practices and boundaries around sex translates to a difference in ideas about how dating would even work.

And of course, there are concerns about messing up our work dynamic, particularly in an environment where we need to be comfortable working one-on-one in pretty intimate situations (have you ever faked strangling someone to death? Good Lord). Are there too many complications to try to pursue this beyond enjoying a no-strings work flirt? Or am I just overcomplicating the situation?

Help!

Confused in California

DEAR A CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA: You’re overcomplicating things CiC. You haven’t just put the cart before the horse, the horse hasn’t even been foaled yet. You’re anticipating a whole host of issues that not only haven’t come up, but aren’t likely to come up for quite some time. You’re still working on whether there’s more to your interacting beyond just flirting for the sake of flirting and yet you’re already thinking about what his no-sex-before-marriage stance might mean for your relationship. That’s quite a few steps beyond where you are at this moment CiC.

Now speaking for myself, that whole purity-ring/virginity-pledge business would be a disqualifier. Sexual compatibility is a vital part of a relationship’s potential and there really isn’t any way to gauge that without, y’know, having sex. You can talk it through all you like, but it’s all theoretical until the rubbers hit the road (as it were), especially when one of you has no experience. The worst time to discover that the two of you have incompatible needs is after you’ve thrown thousands of dollars and legal agreements at the relationship.

But that’s just me. Maybe you feel like there’s enough there that you’d be able to woo that ring straight off his finger. Or maybe you feel like it might be worth exploring if he’s the sort of virginity-pledger that believes in God’s Loophole.

Regardless: those are problems for further down the line than where you two currently stand. Right now, you have a fun, flirty relationship. If that no-sex-before-marriage pledge is a dealbreaker for you – and it certainly sounds like it is – then the best thing is to keep it as a strictly sport-flirting kind of relationship and save flirting with intent for someone who you potentially have an actual future with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)