DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Appreciate the site, and your responses to so many of us trying to figure this whole “desire for romance” thing out. It’s not easy, so thank you.

My question to you regards the idea of “commitment-phobia”. I put it in quotation marks because, while I had heard the term before, I never really knew there was a pattern of behavior associated with the phrase. I just assumed it was what people told themselves/others when they were rejected by someone they fancied so as to alleviate the sting of that rejection. Plus, I know it’s not an actual, clinical diagnosis with criteria that need to be met and so forth so I never really thought it could be a real thing.

Until it happened to me.

I was telling my buddy that the great woman (we’ll call her E) I spent two months with abruptly ended everything and pulled the “I’m not ready for a relationship” card (another phrase I never take at face value, to be honest) out of nowhere. My buddy was aware of how quickly things between myself and E escalated, and upon hearing of her very sudden and unexpected departure, said “yeah dude. She’s afraid of commitment.” After telling him I thought that was bulls

t, he went on to explain that commitment-phobia unfolds exactly how things unfolded with E and I. Commitment-phobes are super, crazy hot for you at the beginning, but the second they feel like a real relationship is forming, with obligations and expectations they’ll need to meet, they leave. They’re terrified of these obligations, these expectations, so goes the theory of commitment-phobia.

I started reading what the internet had to say about commitment-phobia and was floored. Blown away by how SPECIFIC these sites/authors were relaying E’s behavior. Our relationship was textbook commitment-phobia, come to find. We met through a friend of a friend and immediately hit it off. Numbers were exchanged that first night, flirted for about a month before our schedules allowed us to see each other again, and we were off and running. Text messages throughout the day, staying with each other two, three nights a week, dinners cooked, friends met and sex, sex, sex. Each and every time we were alone at either my place or hers, it went down. And SHE initiated virtually all of these things. I never said no to her, despite thinking once or twice that we were moving pretty fast, because I was absolutely crazy about her. She was amazing. We had “the talk” two weeks in, where she told me she thought about some reasons she shouldn’t move things forward with me but that she ultimately decided she had to be with me, she felt for me that much. “There’s no way I can not be in a relationship with you” she said, verbatim. I was absolutely over the moon. Couldn’t have been happier to hear her say that, I was head over heels for this woman.

So, this goes on for two months until one Monday night (she always came over on Mondays after her dance class and stayed the night with me; again, we definitely had a routine of shared time down by this point) she arrives without her overnight bag. I ask why she doesn’t have it, and she tells me we need to talk. My heart immediately sunk. Those are never good words to hear from your woman and sure enough, she did what everyone does when they tell you they “need to talk”. She dumped me. And did it by explaining how perfect a guy I am and that “this isn’t some Tinder fling with you, I think about you way too much, all day, and I can’t have that in my life right now. I’m way too busy starting my career and I’ve been through a lot of changes in life recently. You’re such a good, genuine person and I can’t give you what I know you deserve right now, so I have to end this.”

Crushed, broken-hearted and dejected I told her I wished she felt differently, that I would hope this could be something we actually talked about before she made such a big decision, but her mind was made up. So, I told her how much I cared about her and how awesome I thought our connection was one last time and then let her go.

But she didn’t let me go. Again, according to the patterns of behavior associated with commitment-phobia I read so much about, the commitment-phobe will end the relationship only until the anxiety they feel over being in a relationship and all the expectations with it subside, and then they’ll be back in touch. And E was. Not specifically to get back together, but to ask questions that didn’t need asking, to make comments that didn’t need to be made and just overall being unable to go without being in touch for more than two or three weeks at a time. I ultimately had to tell her not to be in touch with me for any reason, no matter how big or small she thought it was unless it was to discuss the rekindling of our intimate and romantic relationship.

To sum things up, and my question to you, is what I should be making of all of this and are the red flags described in the ideas of commitment-phobia something I need to pay closer attention should I find myself in a similar situation in the future? “If it feels great and is moving quickly because two people legitimately have deep feelings for one another, and they realize this soon, then SHUT IT DOWN because one of you is a commitment-phobe”. That just sounds crazy.

Or could E have been legitimately honest when she said she wasn’t ready for a relationship when she did so much, and went so far out of her way to make me think she did, and that she was into me and was in it for the long haul? If that’s the case, how is it possible the idea of her not being ready for a relationship only occurred to her after making it a point to spend as much time with me as she could for two whole months? She’s a mature, adult woman who is HIGHLY educated (38 years old with a Ph.D. in psychology FFS). How could she NOT have known she wasn’t ready for a relationship when we flirted for a month and then she solidified everything herself by bringing up “the talk” and telling me she had to be in a relationship with me?

I’ve had my fair share of experiences with women, I know when they pull the “I’m not ready” card it’s because they’re just not into you, but NOTHING about E’s behavior made me think she wasn’t anything but crazy about me.

What am I missing here?

Signed, 

Victim of Commitment-phobia?

DEAR VICTIM OF COMMITMENT-PHOBIA: Funny thing about women, VCP: sometimes (many times, really) when they say “I’m not ready”, they mean it. It’s not just a polite way of shutting things down and rejecting you, it’s that they really and truly feel like they can’t commit to you. More often than not – and in my experience, the commitment-phobes fall into this category – the issue has far more to do with a state of anxiety than any actual, logical issue.

Now where this anxiety comes from is up for debate. Some people who are commitment-phobic have had traumatic experiences in their relationships and so are afraid of being hurt again. Some have a classic anxious attachment style and start to feel anxiety when they feel that their needs aren’t being met or that their partners are really looking for an excuse to end the relationship. And still others have issues surrounding their own sense of deservedness; they don’t feel that they’re “worthy” of love and so they freak out when they’re in a position to actually be in a relationship.

So why does people like this fall in love so hard, so quickly? Because they crave that connection. They want that relationship, they want love so badly they can taste it. And that feeling is intoxicating. It’s easy to give into the rush, especially if you don’t have much actual relationship experience. But that rush comes with an equally powerful crash. Maybe they’ve experienced that rush before, in a relationship that fell apart and so they’re also afraid of the crash. Maybe they’re terrified by the intensity of their own feelings and worry that this means they’re making a mistake. They could worry that the intensity and the pace means that something is wrong, that this is a bad sign. Or they could worry that the person they’re falling for is falling for an illusion, a mistaken idea of who they are and will inevitably be hurt and angry when they see the reality.

Or they could very well be the sort of person who sabotages their own relationships because they don’t feel like they have a right to be happy.

But what about your ex? How could someone so smart and accomplished and presumably self-aware not realize she’s not ready for a relationship? Well, because anxiety isn’t rational, dude. She very well may have hoped that she was ready only to have her jerk-brain kick in and smack the blinders off. She may have legitimately thought that this time, this time it could work, only to fall into those same self-destructive patterns. Or this may just be how she works and she hasn’t processed that this is her relationship style: burning like a bonfire, but burning out just as quickly.

And you? How can you navigate this scenario if it comes up again?

Well, to start with: don’t play along. You can tap the brakes just as easily as she can. Things may be feel amazing and intense and you two may feel as though you have a passion and a love that nobody has ever experienced before… but that doesn’t mean that you have to go full-tilt boogie with it. You can say “hey, this feels incredible and I love what we have, but I want to slow things down.” You can make the conscious choice to dial things back a little, if only to make sure you’re not rushing into things and letting the joy of limerence overwhelm the rest of you. Wanting to slow things down, not commit early or making the conscious choice to NOT see each other every other day can help give you the breathing room to be a little more rational and less reactive. Having that breathing room can also help someone with anxiety issues get enough space and perspective that they can try to ease their brain-weasels. If they don’t feel that things are rushing to an inevitable, inexorable conclusion, it’s a lot easier to take a breath and a beat and talk themselves off the ledge; doubly so if they can open up to you about their anxiety.

So when things are feeling intense and rushed, then have a variation of that Defining The Relationship talk. Share that you are thrilled by everything going on between the two of you, but you want to slow things down a bit so the two of you can catch your breath and savor it all. Choosing to slow down won’t hurt or diminish your feelings for one another, but it can help everyone keep their head at a time when you very much want to lose it.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been nursing a crush on a member of my stunt acting team for a while now (yeah, that’s a wild intro. I swear I wouldn’t mention it if it weren’t relevant). We definitely flirt, but in that way that actors do that may or may not mean anything about our mutual interest in anything more than flirting.

The thing is, on top of being my coworker of sorts, he also has talked when we’ve gone out in a group for drinks after practice about not wanting to have sex before marriage (he wears a purity ring and everything). That’s not something that necessarily bothers me in a potential partner in its most literal definition, but it’s not an attitude I share in my own sexual practices. Mostly, it feels like it has the potential to carry a lot of additional clauses that DO bother me, like wanting to get married pretty quickly or not wanting to do anything sexual at all before marriage. It’s just enough to make the prospect of asking him out feel extra daunting, because I don’t know how much this difference in our personal practices and boundaries around sex translates to a difference in ideas about how dating would even work.

And of course, there are concerns about messing up our work dynamic, particularly in an environment where we need to be comfortable working one-on-one in pretty intimate situations (have you ever faked strangling someone to death? Good Lord). Are there too many complications to try to pursue this beyond enjoying a no-strings work flirt? Or am I just overcomplicating the situation?

Help!

Confused in California

DEAR A CONFUSED IN CALIFORNIA: You’re overcomplicating things CiC. You haven’t just put the cart before the horse, the horse hasn’t even been foaled yet. You’re anticipating a whole host of issues that not only haven’t come up, but aren’t likely to come up for quite some time. You’re still working on whether there’s more to your interacting beyond just flirting for the sake of flirting and yet you’re already thinking about what his no-sex-before-marriage stance might mean for your relationship. That’s quite a few steps beyond where you are at this moment CiC.

Now speaking for myself, that whole purity-ring/virginity-pledge business would be a disqualifier. Sexual compatibility is a vital part of a relationship’s potential and there really isn’t any way to gauge that without, y’know, having sex. You can talk it through all you like, but it’s all theoretical until the rubbers hit the road (as it were), especially when one of you has no experience. The worst time to discover that the two of you have incompatible needs is after you’ve thrown thousands of dollars and legal agreements at the relationship.

But that’s just me. Maybe you feel like there’s enough there that you’d be able to woo that ring straight off his finger. Or maybe you feel like it might be worth exploring if he’s the sort of virginity-pledger that believes in God’s Loophole.

Regardless: those are problems for further down the line than where you two currently stand. Right now, you have a fun, flirty relationship. If that no-sex-before-marriage pledge is a dealbreaker for you – and it certainly sounds like it is – then the best thing is to keep it as a strictly sport-flirting kind of relationship and save flirting with intent for someone who you potentially have an actual future with.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This past week, I went to a very popular vacation spot and ended up running into a minor internet celebrity. He was there with another guy I recognized from his videos and his girlfriend. I tweeted afterward thanking them, and the next day, Minor Internet Celebrity DM’d me.

At first, he simply said he’d like to hang out more and that the next time we’re in each other’s part of the state (about 6 hours by car, 1 by plane), we should hang out. I didn’t have time yet to respond when he clarified that he and his girlfriend are in an open relationship, and would I be interested in going on a date with him sometime?

I said I would, and that I’d let him know when we are in the same area. His Twitter and videos are super feminist, and I am fond of the academic and non-pretentious quality of his work.

That said, I have three questions for you:

1. What are the rules of being the “other person” in an open relationship? I know it’s just one date (heck, he didn’t even say that he wants to sleep with me or anything like that), but while I’m a big fan of his, I want his girlfriend to be very much ok with everything.

2. Do you have any advice for a fan going on a date with someone they personally consider to be a celebrity? He seems super feminist, but also, but stories like with Aziz Ansari are still very much on my mind, and if this doesn’t go well (not necessarily sexual assault), I don’t want to hate him.

3. Although it’s the thing that’s not allowed to be said, I am a very conventionally attractive young woman. It’s rare that I don’t get some kind of comment about it when I’m in public. He is less conventionally attractive, however, I find his personality very attractive. If I did not already know who he was, I probably would not have agreed to go on a date with him, however, I’m trying to branch out and give people a chance this year. Do you have any advice for someone in this position?

I’ll add that although I look the way I do and am in my mid-20s, I’ve never really had a relationship before. I went to a famously mostly-girls college, and have been told that I come off as very intimidating to most men (I guess fangirling kinda removes the intimidation factor), and when they approach me, relationships are just SO not on my mind that I usually turn them down. I know I’m probably over thinking all of this, but I’m something of a perfectionist and really want to make sure this (if/when it even happens) goes well.

Thanks!

Third Person Singular

DEAR THIRD PERSON SINGULAR: There’re a few things I would suggest as best practices, TPS.

First is that I’d suggest a little due diligence. A lot of folks in open relationships are socially monogamous – that is, they don’t talk about about being open, publicly – for a number of reasons. These can range from things like avoiding familial or social conflict to just preferring to keep their business private… especially if they’re in the public eye. But there’re also people who’ll put themselves out there as being open when they actually aren’t. And while every couple has their own arrangements, from sharing of every single detail to a don’t ask, don’t tell policy, it may not be a bad idea to at least inquire if you can double-check with his girlfriend that this is on the up and up. And while they may have a DADT thing going on, the way he reacts to this entirely reasonable request will at least give you some indications as to whether this is legit.

Second: they may be a minor celebrity, but they’re also a person and – as we’ve seen, people are flawed and complicated. It’s good that he’s a positive person and feminist, but even people who know better make mistakes at times.

So while he’s got his bona fides in his videos and Twitter, don’t let those make you second guess how you feel. Be willing to trust your instincts. Even if you’re feeling a bit fan-girl-y, take things at the pace that you’re comfortable with. Remember: for whatever level of Internet fame he may have, he’s a regular person too; you may admire him but that doesn’t mean that you need to prioritize his approval over your own sense of security. You’re allowed to set your limits and boundaries where you choose and to enforce them as you choose. And if things start to set off your Spidey-sense, don’t feel as though you can’t say “Hey, listen, I’m gonna peace out now.”

Also, you may also want to consider doing a pre-date date as well – a short meetup for coffee or frozen yogurt, where you can decide whether you’re feeling enough chemistry and interest to make it worth going on a full date with him. Think of it as a date test run; if you enjoy yourself enough on this quick meet-up, then plan for a second, more formal occasion for the next time. This also helps mitigate the feeling of “he’s only in town for X amount of time,” which can create this artificial sense of urgency. Yeah, dude may be across the state from you, but if he’s going to be there for longer than 24 hours, he can invest the initial half-hour before you commit to something longer and more involved next time.

Third: You’re already doing what I would suggest – giving someone you found intriguing a chance, even if they weren’t necessarily your physical type. And while his fame – for whatever value of fame there is in being a minor internet celebrity – can be attractive to people, the thing to consider is that you’ve had the opportunity to get to know him… even if it’s at a certain distance removed. Studies have found that while looks help initially, ultimately, somebody’s personality tends to make them more attractive to you in the long run. So if you dig him for his brain, then you may well realize you also want him for his ass because of it.

(And incidentally, gentlemen: this applies to you too.)

And if not, then you’re really not out too much beyond the time and cost of your meal. You gave a dude a chance, it just wasn’t meant to be as it so often can be with dating. And if things do go well, then you may find it worth your time to go out on a date with someone less Internet famous but equally as appealing, personality-wise.

But more than anything else: trust your instincts. The fact that you haven’t had relationships before doesn’t mean that you can’t tell when a situation feels weird to you. Otherwise, enjoy yourself and may this be the first of however many awesome dating adventures you have to look forward to.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a teenager, and I have a very close friend of mine (let’s call him Jack) in a relationship with someone that some aspects of which seemed… off to me. They’re mid teens as well, so maybe that discounts much of this just because of the inherent confusion, anger, and other issues that come with, well, BEING A TEENAGER. Regardless I thought I’d send this in.

The two of them have been dating for pushing on 6 months now, and they knew each other as friends for about 6 months before they started dating. They’re semi long-distance, so most of the way they communicate is through text and video-calling.

The crux of the matter is, however, that the person who my friend is dating (I’ll call her Jill) is a girl who has mental health problems. She has anxiety and depression, and maybe more, but it boils down to her being extremely self conscious and very worried about what other people think. And to the best of my knowledge, my friend is there for her as much as he feasibly can be, to reassure her and help her and do all he can. This relationship, to my admittedly small understanding of how this sort of thing works, is a good one… most of the time.

Sometimes, Jill will have a bad day. For whatever reason (it’s often something like someone at school was nasty to her or she just feels bad for some reason) she’ll become hypersensitive, and lash out. On several occasions, Jill will decide that by some action Jack has slighted her, doesn’t want to be around her, or doesn’t like her and she unloads on him. This ends up forcing Jack to drop whatever he was annoyed about- which is almost always a legitimate complaint- and focus everything on comforting her. However, this is complicated by the fact that, for that moment, Jill likely DOES believe that he is trying to hurt her, or really DOES believe that he thinks she’s a sh*t girlfriend. And so it’s a lot harder to hold her responsible for these things, none the least because criticizing her could trigger another panic-induced tide of self doubt or loathing.

This can manifest itself in several ways. For example, Jack might complain about how someone might say something rude or insensitive about him and Jill will replies with “true (laughing emoji)”. She’ll explain why it’s accurate, Jack will say that he doesn’t appreciate her insulting him, she apologizes, and he reminds her that she doesn’t stop saying these things, even when she’s sorry.  Then, Jill stops talking for a few hours, coming back on to say “wait to talk until I’m home and can cry”. 

Then Jack will explain why what she said hurt him and Jill will say he shouldn’t be reminding her that she’s a jerk, that it hurts that he says her apology means nothing, that she’s crying now and he shouldn’t be making her cry. There are several more times, times where he wanted to go to sleep and she was mad because he wouldn’t stay up, times where he said she wasn’t fat and said she shouldn’t say that about herself and got accused of calling her an attention whore.

As far as I know she actually thinks this, at least for the limited time these conversations take place in. But that doesn’t make it any more fair to Jack. It doesn’t seem like he can voice any criticism of her or anything she’s doing for fear of both making her feel bad and her feeling bad turning the discussion on its head.

And, I feel I should stress, this DOES NOT happen very often, I cannot emphasize enough how most of the time things are great between them and how happy they are. But the times when there is trouble…

Maybe this is too long, too much writing. But I think this is not good for Jack when this does happen. I’m asking what you think on the matter, is this abuse or just the complications of someone with anxiety, if it is abuse what could or should be done? Does it matter because they are so happy together so much of the time?

Thanks for your time, 

A Concerned Friend

DEAR A CONCERNED FRIEND:I wouldn’t call it abuse necessarily, but it’s certainly sh

ty behavior, bordering on being toxic. Now to be sure: some of this is the nature of being teens; you’re in a messed up transition period in life where you’re not quite adults but everyone expects you to act like one. You’re not quite kids, but everyone treats you like one. And then to add insult to injury, your brains and bodies are flooded with hormones and chemicals as you start reaching your maturity, you’re not getting enough sleep and you’ve got six billion different kinds of anxiety and no goddamn idea how to process any of it.

But while that may help explain why teenagers are walking drama generators, it doesn’t excuse some of the behavior you’re describing here. Neither, for that matter, does whatever mental health issues Jill may have. The fact that she’s dealing with depression or anxiety – which, as someone who suffers from depression himself, I have a lot of sympathy for – doesn’t give her license to be an a

hole. And things like refusing to take responsibility for insulting her boyfriend or making his not-unreasonable request that she do more than just apologize are a

hole behaviors.

There are a lot of people out there who will turn any criticism about their behavior into a diatribe about how mean everyone is. It’s a way of deflecting blame and responsibility and trying to force people into having to disregard their own complaints in order to now comfort and reassure the “injured” party. It can be infuriating, especially when somebody has a legitimate reason to be upset; now they’re left feeling like the a

hole… even when they know what’s going on. And for someone who’s young and not necessarily secure in themselves? It’s one that leave them feeling like they have no out or no way to be heard.

Which is where you come in ACF. It sounds like Jack could use somebody in his corner and point out that, while it’s good that things are happy most of the time, when they’re not, it’s really not. He could use someone he could talk to, someone who can tell him when his problems are legit and be willing to listen to him when he needs to vent.

And, importantly, someone who’s willing to tell him when his girlfriend is being an a

hole to him and that it’s ok to be upset when someone treats him this way.

Now I’m not saying that you need to be pushing Jack to dump Jill. Mostly because it probably wouldn’t work; there’s no better way to get two teenagers to stick together like lovesick barnacles than to try to pull them apart. But also because, honestly, this tends to be a self-correcting problem; the relationships you have in your teen years are like a Zack Snyder film: exciting on the surface, full of sturm and drang and fall apart if you even look at it cross-eyed. But that doesn’t mean that it can’t be painful, or that it can’t create a precedent for the future.

So the best thing you can do is be both a sounding board and a reality check for Jack. Let him know when his complaints are real and when the way that Jill treats him is bad. Back him up when he feels ready to confront her and be his support when he wavers. And when it seems like she’s manipulating him, be the guy to call it out so he can stand firm.

And if he starts to have doubts about things with Jill… well, you can be there to give him your two cents about it all.

Be his friend, ACF, because that’s what he’s going to really need down the line.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There is something where I think you haven’t spent much words on before (or I may have missed it), of which I would find your view on the matter interesting.

I see a number of your visitors seem to be jealous of men who are professionally very successful (for the extreme example, you mentioned Elon Musk on your blog recently). I understand that, in principle, women can find such success attractive. Now, I’ve noticed that for these men (I partially include myself here, though I am far from an Elon) who have a rather high responsibility, there are some other ‘problems’.

The thing is that the more you have a public function or a leadership role, the more you should be a good example and people expect you to behave with much dignity and responsibility. This seems to mean that you have essentially less space to maneuver when hitting on women, though. And mistakes can have a larger impact. This combines with the fact that many people who are professionally or academically successful have little time to hang out in bars and have had little time for these things during their studies as well, meaning having less experience.

Finally, in such leadership positions you can afford less to come over as sexually frustrated or so, you should always remain calm, be happy for the others and certainly avoid being jealous.

I definitely would consider myself as a nerd, in the sense of having been the smart kid without many friends at high school. When it comes to social intelligence and physical attractiveness, I used to be horrible but think I moved to acceptable over the last few years. Now, towards the end of my twenties, I am comfortable around women, but still have limited physical experience.

At parties, I see many women primarily seem to go for guys that are tall, handsome, smooth and good dancers; rather than for their vision on the future of mankind or so. When I do attempt competing with such ‘natural players’, I often seem to end up coming off either as too arrogant or too calculating.

Do you have good suggestions, either specifically to me or more general?

Thanks, 

Another Anonymous Messenger

DEAR ANOTHER ANONYMOUS MESSENGER: as so often happens, AAM, this is a case of “the problem you think you have isn’t the problem you actually have”.

You have an issue I see a lot in guys, especially guys who don’t have as much social experience as they’d like. Many times, they’ll spend a lot of time developing their grand unifying theory about How Relationships Work. The problem is that, more often than not, these theories have less to do with actual experience and more to do with confirmation bias. It’s easy, for example, to think that “nice guys” are disadvantaged in dating as women chase after assholes when “asshole” gets defined as “guy who got the woman I wanted to date”. As tempting as it is to believe that our observations are objective recordings of reality, the truth is that we take the little that we see and craft narratives that allow them to conform to our already-extant beliefs. We assume we see the whole picture when, in reality, we barely see even a tenth of it and fill in the rest with what we assume to already be true. This is how we end up with dudes who have developed a literal modern day form of phrenology to explain why they can’t get laid.

The idea that being a “leader” or having “status” constrains you is… kind of obviously BS on its face. I mean, all you have to do is look at the United States government for examples to the contrary. When former congressmen become infamous for posting pictures of their pajama parties on social media (and paying sexual harassment suits with taxpayer money) or offering to “inseminate” their staffers, the idea that people in positions of power find themselves restrained in how they behave is kind of absurd. If anything, having power and status gives them more license to act out, often with even less fear of repercussions than they had before. Not to mention there are all the various celebrities and politicians who’re notoriously horny on main.

I’m also not sure where you got the idea where people who are professionally or academically successful have less experience or less social success. While there’re always going to be folks who’ve treated charisma as their dump-stat, who chose to forgo socializing for studying or who are just socially awkward but academically gifted, the truth is that there are just as many entrepreneurs, scientists, professors, lawyers, and finance-bros out at the bars as mid-level managers and office workers. Nor, for that matter, are bars the only places where you can go to meet women.

(And if you don’t think that academics don’t drink and party, then I have no idea where the hell you went to school because goddamn some of their conferences are lit)

But let’s get to your real issue: the fact that women are choosing “players” instead of you. Here you are with your “visions of the future of mankind” and these dudes are there with their abs and their hair and their dancing… what do they have that you don’t?

I mean… besides her number.

Well, the answer is that those players makes women feel good. They’re fun to talk to, they’re entertaining and they’re engaging with her on an emotional level, because when folks are at a party, they’re there to have fun. Yeah, there’re going to be folks who love to discuss deep topics… but those still have to be fun conversations, not just one dude trying to show off how hung his brain is. When you describe women going off with the players and not the guy with a “vision for the future of mankind”, you conjure images of the stoner at the party who really wants to discuss their new philosophical insight with someone who’s really there to rage.

And honestly, the way that you describe “competing” with “natural players” does make you sound a little arrogant. I mean, if I’m catching the vibe that you’re looking down your nose at those players in your letter, I can almost guaran-damn-tee that women are getting a double dose when you’re talking with them in person. And, as someone who thought he was “competing” with naturals back in my bad old days, let me share some insight with you. First: you’re not “competing” with anyone. This isn’t about points on a spreadsheet, it’s about someone asking themselves “Am I into this person right here in front of me, Y/N?” It’s not that Captain TightPants and Studly GoodNight have higher point totals, it’s that you’re not that person’s particular flavor of yum. And, from one nerd to another:  you will never get anywhere by bad-mouthing the folks who seem to be doing better than you. All that you’ll do is come off as bitter and resentful and confirm that she’s right to not want to date you.

If you want more social and romantic success, you need to start letting go of your ideas of How Things Work and accept that maybe you’ve been going about things the wrong way. Instead of expounding on your grand vision, focus on connecting with people. Spend less time trying to “compete” and more time learning how to enjoy yourself and help other people have fun too. Trust me: not only will you do better socially, but you’ll have far more fun in the process.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I turned 18 last year ad have finished high school and am going into college in just 2 weeks. I am not particular afraid of this new experience since this is bound to happen and I just have to face it. However, even though I can face this I have a problem with the idea of dating. See I have never been in a relationship and it takes a lot of courage for me to even ask a girl out. I have managed to ask girls out before, albeit through text, it usually end up with rejection which I should have honestly expected.

With that all being said what has happened with these situations is that the next day I would hear about the rejection by other people. Here is an example, in middle school….,yes middle school.., I asked this girl out who i had know for over six years over text and was met back with “I have a boyfriend”. I didn’t think to much of it, but the next day of class literally every girl in my class ended up approaching me about it to make fun of me. This killed my self-confidence, but I got over it eventually. Fast forward to high school and I kinda did the same thing only this time with Snapchat and did not get a response. Which I understood it was a pocket rejection. But again the next day I had to hear about this story.

Oh boy was this one crazy. What happened was this girl in particular went into the homework club room, which I usually hang out in but was not present that day, to ask out loud to every girl to turn me down. And let me tell you, when they say a girls can be harsh I think that is an understatement. I don’t really want to go into detail about what was said since I do not want to get angry again when writing this, but suffice to say I got let down and had to hear about though my peer around me.

With all that being said now if I see someone who I am interested in and I started getting thoughts of asking them out, my mind starts to freeze and remember those bad experiences I had. This worries me since I am off to college, where people will be hooking up and I don’t really know what to do since I am afraid of just freezing up.

It is all really confusing to me at the moment so any advice and thoughts would really help.

Mr. Freeze

DEAR MR. FREEZE: Hey, I’m sorry you went through that MF. The school experience tends to blow for just about everybody. The folks who say that high-school is the best time of your life either peaked too early or really don’t remember what school was like.

But you’re out. It’s over. It’s time to move forward and leave that all in the past. Because right now, you’re treating middle school and high-school as though it were a reflection of reality. Middle school and high-school don’t resemble the real world so much as a maximum security prison. You’ve got hundreds of sleep-deprived, over-caffinated balls of anxiety and insecurity – all of whom are in the middle of hormone-fueled identity crises – confined in too-small spaces and being monitored by people who aren’t paid nearly enough for the job they have to do. The result is less “developing real-world social skills” and more “apes with anxiety throwing their poop everywhere”.

We play stupid status games and mock people because we’re all notoriously insecure and have no goddamn idea what we’re doing but we desperately want a place to belong. So we put on acts of performative cruelty and arrogance in ways to make ourselves feel better and to try to secure our place in the pecking order. Fortunately, most people manage to grow out of that stage post haste as they actually start to become secure in who they are.

(I say most because, there are always a

holes and hey, a

holes gonna a

.)

Now there are a lot of ways to start undoing the damage and pain you felt in school, but the quickest and easiest is to start to deprogram your own brain. You need to take those memories and strip them of their ability to hurt you by editing those worst-case scenarios in your head. You want to change the narrative in your head by playing it out differently. When you imagine those moments, don’t try to resist them. Instead, let them play out. Then play it again but change it up. Picture it like a movie from the 1910s, with cue cards and plinky piano music.  Now imagine it again… except everybody’s heads have started to expand like balloons. Or their heads are shrinking and their voices are getting higher and squeakier. Now picture it but every time someone tries to insult you, they end up singing “Day-O” by Harry Belafonte. Each time you picture it, add another layer of absurdity and abstraction. By doing this, you’re breaking the association between that memory and the emotional states it provokes. After all, how could you feel hurt when the Mean Girl in high-school keeps insisting that daylight come and she wanna go home?

The more you break those associations, the less power it has over you and the less you’ll fear it. And this is good because, ultimately the only way through your fears are to confront them. You’re going to have to get comfortable with the possibility of being rejected because… well, it’s gonna happen. Nobody goes through life without being shot down. But, paradoxically, the more you can face rejection without letting it destroy you – or letting it turn you into an angry rage monster – the less rejection you’ll face in the future.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)