DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am in my late twenties, and am in a long-term relationship with my first serious boyfriend, “D”. I grew up in a very conservative religious environment, so I was delayed when it came to dating/sex and have experienced a lot of sexual shame. While I had a few very short-lived and not very enjoyable sexual encounters before meeting D, he was the one who “took my virginity” (I hate that phrase but it’s most accurate I guess); I love him and I find our relationship very fulfilling.

I think it’s because of the unconditional love and support that he’s offered me that I was finally able to explore my sexuality, think critically about it, and finally accept that I am a bisexual woman. Unfortunately, being in a monogamous m/f relationship essentially makes this realization moot. When I told D that I am bisexual he was very supportive and said that if I needed to go out and kiss a woman to explore that side of my sexuality, he was okay with it, and I immediately rejected the offer, not wanting to jeopardize the relationship.

The issue is, now I wish I had taken him up on his offer; I love him so much and if I had to choose between exploring my sexuality with women and keeping him, I’d pick him. I’ve thought about bringing up the possibility of my having a short, casual fling or having a threesome with a woman so he can be involved, but I am really afraid that if he isn’t comfortable with it, he’ll feel guilty for taking that away from me (I’m not at all afraid of him being angry with me, but I’m afraid he might feel hurt/inadequate). I jokingly brought up the idea of having a threesome about six months ago, and while he wasn’t hostile towards the idea he didn’t seem interested, so I dropped it.

I am also concerned that maybe my desire to branch out is in part due to our sex life; the sex is frequent and intimate, but not terribly adventurous, though I do try to spice it up every once in a while. Maybe I should focus more on amping up our sex life as-is before trying to explore sex outside of the relationship? Or maybe I should be honest with D about how I’m feeling anyway?

Looking For Options

DEAR LOOKING FOR OPTIONS: You’re presenting yourself with a false dichotomy here, LfO. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t – or couldn’t – pursue both options at the same time. In fact, it would probably be better for the two of you and your relationship if you did.

Opening up a relationship requires trust and communication. Going from a monogamous relationship to an open one has the potential to set off anxiety weasels in everybody’s brains. It’s understandable that someone might worry that this meant that they weren’t enough, that the sex wasn’t good enough or that this was just a delaying action before ending the relationship. Maintaining and working on the sexual connection in the relationship can be a huge part of keeping that relationship alive and healthy… as well as making everyone happier overall. And even if you weren’t thinking about opening things up, spicing up your sex-life together is an important part of a long-term relationship’s success. After all, sexual satisfaction is an important part of relationship maintenance. Getting in the habit of keeping things hot in the bedroom is how you and your partner tap into your inner Gomez and Morticia.

But you should also talk with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling, LfO. Even if you ultimately decide not to pursue something with a woman – either for now, or for the duration of your relationship with D – the other key to a relationship’s success is the ability to be open and honest with one another. Your sexuality is an important part of who you are, and that’s something that you should feel like you can discuss with your partner, without fear of judgement or recrimination. And just talking with him – how it’s part of who you are, what it means to you and your identity, etc. – can be an important way of reassuring him that no, he’s not inadequate or lacking.

It sounds to me like D was being sincere when he was being supportive and offering to let you off the leash. He sounds like a good guy who loves and trusts you, and that’s vital. And while it’s understandable to worry that he was just saying what he felt like he had to… sometimes you have to be willing to take “yes” for an answer and believe your snugglebunny when he tells you that he’s ok with things. I think you can feel safe to talk with him about what exactly it is that you want and need.

Now that having been said, open relationships and consensual non-monogamy are Dating 301. It can be tricky territory to navigate, especially when the two of you are new and inexperienced. You both want to make sure that you’re on the same page, that you both understand exactly what the other wants and needs and that you have the right vocabulary to express yourselves. This is why I would suggest that the two of you do your research, even if you don’t decide to open things up a smidge. I highly recommend checking out Building Open Relationships, More Than Two: An Ethical Guide to Polyamory, and Opening Up: A Guide To Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. These are some of the best guides out there for making your way through the world of ethical non-monogamy and they can be a huge help to even just have the conversation. Just going through the books may be the best way to have the “I want to open things up” conversation, especially if you’re nervous at first. Treat it like a book-club; read one and compare notes and share your thoughts on what the authors had to say about the subject.

What I don’t suggest you do is use a threesome or something similar as your intro to bisexuality. That… is a bad idea in general and one that’s more likely to drop a drama bomb in your lap than it is to actually help. There’s nothing quite as alienating as having a threesome under false pretenses. When someone realizes that the real reason why their partner suggested it was so they could bang someone else – or worse, gets excluded entirely at one point – then you can pretty much see the moment their soul got kicked in the junk. Alternately, there’s the potential to feel like your sexuality is being used as a tool or a show for someone else’s pleasure? Well, that’s more soul-junk kicking.

And that’s before taking the feelings of the special guest star into account.

If the two of you decide you want to have a threesome because you want sexy adventure-times together, then hey, blessings on you both. But as a means of exploring your sexuality? That’s a bad idea.

But at the end of the day, the answer to all of this is what I tell people all the time: communicate, communicate, communicate. The more you can talk – about your sexuality and your sex life – with your lovebun, the happier you two will be over all.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: In my marriage, I have a problem with sex. I am 55, techie, type-2 diabetic and feeling the effects of ED. I am not totally gone but having an erection is not my every day pleasure. When it happenstances, I really feel frisky, but not for too long.

Enter my wife. We have been together about 7 years, last year and change as husband and wife. But don’t think getting married killed sex. It has been coming for a long time.

My wife is, for the lack of a better term, OCD, when it comes to human cleanliness. For instance, if I woke up and have a woody, before I get out of the bed and she happens to be awake at the same, there is no way in hell that we are having sex, because we have sweat all over our bodies and unless we both are squeaky clean, sex is not an option. Also, I like to see my wife, partner in bed a little bit made up. Not like a plain Jane every time. Of course shower takes away any makeup she might be wearing and then she says it is too much work to put make up on or put a pair of silk stocking or sexy shoes or whatever. She just wants to have it her way.

Here is my dilemma. Two people taking a shower, even if together and immediately, getting the water ready and taking the shower and coming out, is at least 10 minutes by my wife’s cleanliness standards. Have I said I experience ED ? Well, in that 10 minutes, my woody turns in to a lump of meat and skin. Also considering her aloof attitude towards what I want combined, makes me sad and uncared for. At which point, even if I want like crazy, getting an erection is not an option. My mental state is no longer there.

I mentioned this to my wife. She knows my condition. I have had diabetes for a long time. So, she did not marry me or get together with me under false pretenses, but this is a progressive condition and it is getting worse, slowly but surely. I went as far as begging her to forego this being squeaky clean stuff, but she doesn’t budge.

Then every few nights, when we are in bed, she asks why we aren’t having more sex. And when I tell her about my condition and her refusal when I was ready, she comes to the same point, if we are not clean, there is no sex. And blames me, not finding her desirable. Reality is, at that point I really do not find her desirable but if I say that to her face, I know I will not be sleeping for the rest of the night, arguing about how she is right and I am wrong and her heightened sense of smell and how I wouldn’t understand this. So, I turn around and go to sleep, frustrated. I don’t even remember when we had sex the last time and under which circumstances it happened. It has been close to 6 months may be a tad more than that.

I don’t want this to go on forever this way, but I am out of reasonable options. I mean, I am not an extremely dirty or smelly person. We live in south end of the US, in a warm climate, but her and I work 8 hours in a well air conditioned offices. My car has a wonderful a/c and so does hers. When we both come home, we are not like two stinky people, dripping sweat from every pore that no one wants to touch. But her mind is not accepting this and I am getting frustrated.

Otherwise, other than this issue and few arguments here and there like all couples have, she is not a bad person. I do not want to leave her just because of sex but I know if I have 5-6 more years of having “some” sex, I do not want to waste it, waiting for her to be “ready”. I am seriously considering paying for a high class call girl to get what I want, every once in a while and I can afford it. Yet it sounds crass.

Am I really being unreasonable here ? What is your take on this situation ? Do you have any suggestions regarding how to approach this subject without bringing my marriage to an end?

Sexless in Somewhere South

DEAR SEXLESS IN SOMEWHERE SOUTH: I have four suggestions.

The first is to talk with your doctor about potential options for treating your erectile dysfunction. ED is a common issue for men with type-2 diabetes, but it’s not an insurmountable one. The fact that you DO have erections – even if they’re infrequent – is a good sign. The issue is the duration and the timing. There’re a number of potential options for you. The obvious answers are Viagra or Cialis. The less obvious answer is a cock-ring, possibly paired with a vacuum pump device. The medication gives you a wider window of opportunity, where any delay means that your get-up-and-go has got up and went. You may not be erect the entire time you and your wife are in the shower, but it does mean that you’ll be able to rise to the occasion afterwards. The pump and the ring, on the other hand, will help get an erection and keep it while you wait for your wife to finish cleaning up. The pump helps draw the blood into the spongey tissues of the penis, causing an erection, while the ring keeps the blood from flowing back out, leaving you with a hard-on for longer than you might have otherwise. Both of these mean that you won’t have a ten-minutes-or-nothing scenario while you wait for your wife to finish up and come back out.

Second: stop letting sex just happen. One of the biggest mistakes people make when it comes to long-term sexual satisfaction is that they treat sex as something that can only happen spontaneously. This is easy during the early days, when everything is fresh and new and you’re banging out on every flat surface in the house. It’s a little harder when you’ve been together for a while and your schedules mean that you’re tired and she’s had a long day at work and…. As a result, sex tends to take a back seat to, well, literally everything else. Scheduling a time for sex may sound unromantic, but it’s anything but. It means that you are prioritizing sex. You’re specifically carving out time for the two of you to get freaky; that means that you’re clearing the decks and making sure that everything is in readiness. Your wife has enough time to get a shower and put on some sexy lingerie – especially if she gets started before you get there – and you have time to pop a pill or apply the devices to make sure that you’ll be able to perform on demand.

Plus, when the two of you know that you’re going to have sex, there’s all that delicious antici…

…

…pation

to be had, which makes it even hotter.

Third: dude, just bang in the shower, problem solved.

Fourth: you two need to talk to a sex-positive relationship counselor to help manage the disconnect in your sex life. Having a trained third party to facilitate the discussion and provide ways for the two of you to resolve your differences may be exactly what you need to get to the bottom of this disconnect that the two of you have. If you haven’t had sex in six months and nobody is willing to budge… well, needless to say, that’s a problem. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has an excellent referral directory on their site that can help you find a licensed and trained therapist in your area.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You’ve mentioned you once lost a relationship with someone you thought was the perfect match and the love of you life. This just happened to me, and it is absolutely soul-crushing. On the one hand, it’s reassuring to know it happens and people can come out on the other side. And I know about the things I should be doing right now, like taking care of myself and trying to focus on things I enjoy and healing.

But it’s been a month and a half and while I am doing a little better than a month ago when I was an absolute wreck, it still hurts badly and constantly. I am still angry and confused and hurt and heartbroken and it is so hard to move on with my life and let it go. These things take time, but is there any way to not feel so broken in the meantime? I’m glad I cared about something so much and was vulnerable, but the pain is sometimes unbearable. And now not only do I have some trust issues due to some of the things she said to me that turned out to not be true, but I’ve lost all my confidence. I know I have a lot to offer, but my dating experience has not been a fruitful one and it really sucks to feel unwanted and undesirable.

How do I get my confidence back? How can I find the REAL love of my life without this forever hanging over my head and my heart? Please help.

Dumped, Dejected and Dismayed

DEAR DUMPED, DEJECTED AND DISMAYED: Man, I’m sorry this happened to you 3D. It’s always rough when a relationship falls apart, especially one that you thought was The One. It’s like getting kicked in your soul’s crotch. It hits you on a deep and personal level, feeling like you’ve just been weighed and measured and found wanting. Now you’re left questioning everything. Was any of it real? Did they mean anything they said? Was this whole thing just one horrifying performance, a WestWorld-esque fraud where the reality is just a bunch of people telling you what you want to hear.

But here’s the thing, 3D: the fact that it feels like this doesn’t mean it’s true. I hate to trot out the phrase but feelz aren’t always realz, my dude. You’re dealing with the fact that a major part of your life has come to a sudden and unexpected halt. When you’re in a relationship, you’re no longer just 3D, you’re 3D+TheirPartner. The longer you’re together, the more that’s part of who you are; you start to reorder your life around being in that relationship, with that person. When the relationship comes to an end – especially one you didn’t anticipate – that identity and that life is suddenly gone. Now after having spent months or years getting into a particular groove, you’re suddenly finding that you’re 3D again and what does this all mean?

In a real way, you’re like someone who’s lost a limb. Your brain has carved a groove around your life with your ex. Now you have to relearn life without them and that’s hard. But no matter what it may feel like “hard” isn’t the same thing as “impossible”.

Well, the answer of “how do I get back to NOT feeling like hammered crap” is in relearning who 3D is. This means taking time to get familiar with you you are. Not who you were, who you are, now that you’ve gone through this. And if you don’t know… well, then this is your opportunity to decide who you are and shape your life accordingly. It’s time to start working on yourself, doing things that are good for you. Not just that make you feel good in the moment (or just numb the pain) but that have measurable, positive effects on your life. This is one of the reasons why I always recommend hitting the gym in the wake of a break-up; not only can the treadmill or the elliptical runner or lifting weights be a sort of moving meditation, but they’re things that you can do that are good for you. You’re working on your health and getting and shape instead sitting around and feeling like a gross lump.

While you’re at it: lean on your friends. Rebuild the connections that you let slide while you were with your partner and strengthen the ones that are already there. Your friends are a source of support in this time and it’s good to remind yourself that you’re still loved and appreciated.

This is also the time to throw yourself into a new hobby or interest. Maybe you’ve always had the idea that you wanted to learn a new language or start playing guitar. Now is the time to start. It gives you something to occupy your brain instead of playing endless games of “what if”. Plus: it makes you a more interesting, more well-rounded person… which helps you find new relationships down the line.

But the most important thing you can do, 3D, is give yourself time. It’s only been a month and a half. That’s not a long time in the scheme of things, and it’s unreasonable to expect that you’re going to be magically all better virtually no time at all. You need to let yourself heal, 3D and you can’t do that if you keep picking at the scab. It’s going to hurt while your heart knits itself back together and your wounds close. You will grieve. That’s fine. That’s natural. But it will fade over time. It will be gradual, sure. But one day you’re going to realize that you don’t feel so bad. Yeah you may not be at 100% yet… but it doesn’t suck as much either. It’s like when you’ve had a headache because you had it for so long that you only realize it by it’s absence.

So take your time, 3D. Work on yourself, connect with your friends and occupy your brain. These will all help ease the pain so that you can let time and perspective do their work. Because it will get better. I promise.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Love the column! It’s given me a lot of food for thought over recent months as I begin to seriously consider dating as a fun, healthy thing to do rather than a way to fill a hole in my life.

I’ve made a lot of positive changes lately in my life in general as well as my attitude towards dating. I try to adopt an abundance mentality. I’m beginning to feel that the only chances you’re guaranteed to blow are the ones you don’t take. If I’m out and feeling anxious or sad about my prospects, I’ll turn my phone off and engage with humans rather than hide in a corner checking Twitter and cursing my genetics (which I imagine wasn’t particularly attractive behaviour). I have trouble believing that someone with my face has ever been sent signals, but I’ve actually done okay historically with people out-right telling me they like me or having friends say ‘do you remember that time I hit on you?’ years later which I was oblivious to due to my self-esteem, so it’s a reasonable assumption that perhaps at least some strangers see something attractive about me for reasons I wish I knew and believed.

I guess my concern is this: despite believing in abundance and taking chances, what if I still screw up every opportunity? Trying my best is no guarantee that I won’t die lonely and bitter and it’s crippling to think I won’t be intimate with another ever again. I do think my confidence is growing, but I’m not sure it could stand repeated rejections and therefore the confirmation of every negative thing I believe about myself, despite knowing on an intellectual level that it’s not necessarily a value judgement about me or my appearance and working on ways to improve my own self-validation. I do think I’m good at accepting rejection and have formed good genuine friendships with people things haven’t worked out romantically with.

I’ve come off of dating apps because I started to believe that quiet spells are confirmations that I’m ugly and/or boring/weird (although I swipe on very few people, I don’t find myself particularly interested on many people on them) and I become depressed. How do I build resilience when my self-esteem demons are being roused? Is it possible that some of us just don’t ‘qualify’ for dating?

– Not Quite Human Yet

DEAR NOT QUITE HUMAN YET:Here’s my answer to what-if questions NQHY: what if a meteorite fell out of the sky and the resulting impact triggered the caldera under Yellowstone Park? Now not only is most of middle-America wiped out but the ensuing nuclear winter would cause a mini ice-age even greater than the Year Without a Summer that was caused by Mount Tambora exploding.

I bring this up because, honestly, What-If’ing is a pointless exercise. You can what-if yourself into literally any scenario because you’re not being realistic. You’re being pessimistic and assuming the worst; it only feels like you’re being realistic because our brains have an inherent negativity bias. All you’re doing is playing self-destructive fantasies that sound right to you because they conform to the beliefs you already have. 

And folks who play these What-If games never really stop to ask themselves: “what if I’m wrong?”

I mean, let’s circle back around to something you said in your letter, NQHY:

“…but I’ve actually done okay historically with people out-right telling me they like me or having friends say ‘do you remember that time I hit on you?’ years later…”

You’ve got evidence right there that folks think you’re hot piece of prime beef. And I get it: it can be hard to accept that people think you’re attractive. You want to dismiss it when your friends say it because they have to, don’t they? Trust me: I’ve been there, done that and the best compliment I may have ever gotten came from someone who was pissed I was telling incels they had hope.

There’re a lot of ways to build emotional strength, NQHY, but part of what you need to do is stop looking for bulls

t excuses to undercut your self-esteem. Part of the reason you’re getting radio silence on dating apps is because that’s standard operating procedure; there’s a lot of noise and many people – women especially – get overwhelmed. As a result, you’re going to send a lot of messages out into the void. But the other reason is you aren’t doing anything either. From your own letter:

“…although I swipe on very few people, I don’t find myself particularly interested on many people on them)…”

The lack of action is coming from inside the house, man.

You’ve made a lot of progress, NQHY and you should be proud of it. So quit letting BS ideas undercut all the hard work you’ve been doing. You’ve got a lot going for you, if you’d just let yourself believe it. Start recognizing all those times that you’ve been sabotaging your own worth and build yourself up. Be the friend that you need, man. You deserve better than what you’re allowing yourself to have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: This letter contains discussion of suicide)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 30 year old guy who is in his first real relationship. I had essentially given up the idea of ever having a relationship, and was honestly quite happy with my “forever alone” status. I’m a semi-professional sportsman and my only other experience with dating was with a teammate when I was 21. We were both so far in the closet we could have been on a ship with Prince Caspian, so it didn’t end well.

Yet now I seem to be in a relationship with a nice, sweet, well adjusted guy who is a few years younger than me and… likes me. Z is attracted to me. Thinks I’m funny. Doesn’t care that I am essentially a hot mess who spends way too much time with his foam roller and is never going to make the major leagues.

And I don’t know what to do about it. I have come out in a low-key way, and although I’m not waving a rainbow flag, everyone in my team knows I’m gay and is okay with it. Particularly when I wasn’t seeing anyone.

I don’t know how to be a boyfriend. I don’t even know if I’m attracted to Z, or if I’m just attracted to the fact he wants me. (I’m not conventionally attractive, being somehow both bald and effeminate.) 

I know Z’s not my type, I know the sex hasn’t been great, but he’s inexperienced and I always seem to wind up trying to sleep with him on match days, so if it doesn’t get done quickly I get agonizing cramps in several major muscle groups because sex after hours of intense exercise is not as easy as it should be.

And there’s a complication.

I recently went on my first tour since Z and I became Facebook official. We talked beforehand and agreed that I would get a tour pass – but he didn’t want to hear about it. What goes on tour stays on tour. (It’s the sporting equivalent of what happens in Vegas, and is honestly the way about half the pro sportsmen I know manage their love lives.)

On tour I met A, and over the course of a week we hooked up. When I first hooked up with him I didn’t realise his actual age – 19. To my shame, I didn’t call a halt to it when I found out how young he was. I remembered myself at 21 and tried to be the kind of person I would have wanted.

What followed was three weeks of this teenager messaging me, trying to get me to tell him I loved him. I was friendly, I was supportive, I told him he didn’t need to be afraid of coming out, that although we lived on opposite sides of the world I would be there for him as much as I could.

Four days before I flew home A killed himself.

I found out about it because immediately prior he messaged me saying he loved me, and after a day and several missed messages, when I called him his mother answered.

I fell apart. I don’t even remember my last game, or getting to the airport. There was no one I could talk to, because the team prefer their token homo not to mention his sexuality, and because A hadn’t told anyone he liked guys.

And I’ve come back to not being able to tell Z what happened. It’s our agreement, what goes on tour stays on tour – only dead boys follow you home so much more than living ones.

I’m seeing a counselor but due to expense, I can’t keep it up. I also can’t keep something else up, which is making Z think I don’t want him anymore. Instead I’m making excuses and getting more and more hyperactive whenever I see him to hide the fact that I am completely messed up here – I’m out of my depth in this relationship, and I’m hurting so bad for a boy I cared for and, to be frank, a boy I could so easily have been.

Should I just break up with Z – who deserves better – and go back to my comfortable life of being alone? Should I tell him what happened, even if he doesn’t want to hear? Should I keep trying to pick myself up, going to the counseling I can’t afford, and hoping that as time goes by I’ll feel more human? But even if I do… I still won’t have any idea how to function in this relationship.

Dare I say it, Dr. NerdLove, you’re my only hope?

Yours,

Didn’t Come Home

DEAR DIDN’T COME HOME: Alright DCH, I’m going to start off by saying that I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this. Part of what makes suicide so tragic is that it doesn’t just affect the victim, it affects the people in their life too.

Now I also should note that this is the sort of thing that’s above my pay grade. Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor, and this is the sort of thing that you should be talking about with a therapist. And honestly, that’s where you should be putting your priority. Your counselor will almost certainly be willing to work with you on a sliding scale or finding a way to make these sessions affordable to you. Failing that, there are other options out there for finding low cost – or even free – therapy. There are a number of resources out there for how to find help you can afford, and I strongly suggest you research them.

Now here’s my question: what, exactly, are you talking about with your therapist? I ask because these issues you bring up are all tangled together into one giant gordian knot; you may be picking at one particular string when you really need to cut straight through the middle. So let me start with the obvious.

What happened to A is not your fault.

Let me say that again for emphasis: what happened to A is NOT YOUR FAULT. Tattoo this backwards on your forehead so you can see it in the mirror when you wake up.

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You aren’t responsible for what he did and it wasn’t – nor should it be – your job to monitor him 24/7 just in case he was having suicidal thoughts. “A” had problems, problems that are, unfortunately, common to young LGBTQ folks without a support structure. It’s a tragedy that he died so young, but that’s NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s a cruel detail of his death that he had latched onto you so tightly – far beyond what’s reasonable for a no-strings, on-the-road hook-up. But neither the fact that you slept with him, nor his feelings for you, make you responsible for him or his life. Yeah he was young – so very young – but he was also 19. He may not have been the most mature person, but he also wasn’t a child placed into your care.

But let’s talk about you, DCH. More specifically, let’s talk about who you’re NOT. You aren’t God. You aren’t Superman, either. You’re not Professor X, Stephen Strange, Reed Richards, The Beyonder, the Doctor, or a member of the Green Lantern Corps. You’re a man, the same as the rest of us.

Right now the guilt you’re inflicting on yourself is guilt for not being superhuman. You’re blaming yourself for, what, not being able to read his mind? For not being able to fly around the world in time to slap the pills out of his hand and some sense into his head? For not being a trained therapist with years of experience who can both recognize potentially suicidal behavior, and talk someone down from the metaphorical ledge? Because that’s not just unrealistic, that’s UNREASONABLE. You are not only shouldering the responsibility for someone else’s choices, but for not being able to somehow bend the laws of space and time, and for not having years of training and education. You are taking on guilt for things that literally no person on Earth could do.

I’m gonna be blunt, man. This isn’t on you, it’s on A. You did everything right. You were supportive, you were kind and you were giving. You did your best to follow what Dan Savage calls “the campsite rule”: leaving the other person better than you found them. The fact that A had issues – issues that were both not your responsibility nor something that you could do anything about – doesn’t change that.

But more to the point: I think you’re punishing yourself for reasons besides A’s suicide. I think you’re punishing yourself for daring to be happy. I think you’re punishing yourself for thinking that someone – several someones, in fact – could want you or find you desirable. I strongly suspect that you view yourself like Daedalus; in your arrogance you flew too high to the sun and that you deserve this guilt for your hubris.

Because here’s what I’m seeing: I’m seeing someone who doesn’t believe he has a right to love or affection. Someone who seems to believe that there’s only one way to be attractive and who is hurting himself because he doesn’t measure up to an arbitrary standard that he’s inflicting on himself for no goddamn reason.

I’m going to be even more blunt: I’m wondering how many of your problems with Z are because you don’t feel like you’re allowed to have a relationship and be happy, and you insist on doing things in the least healthy ways possible. Is your relationship with Z doomed? I have no clue because frankly this is coming through the filter of “I don’t deserve to be happy” and that’s affecting literally everything you’re doing. The sex isn’t great? I’m not surprised. Great sex is the sort of thing that requires active communication, not just hoping that things work out. It sounds like you’re not communicating. Like, at all

I mean, look at the way you’ve refused to tell Z what’s going on. “What happens on tour, stays on tour”? Yeah, that applies to things like “I got some action from a fan of the team after the away game”, not “someone I slept with killed himself and it’s tearing me up inside”. You’re taking this promise to an unreasonable extreme and you’re hurting Z because he has no goddamned clue that you’re going through this. Which do you think is better, violating the supposed sanctity of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy of on-the-road hook-ups or letting your partner think there’s something wrong with the two of you because you won’t open up and let him in?

Look man, you have gone through hell. You are a reasonable person who’s gone through an incredibly unreasonable series of events. But what you’re doing now is only making things worse. You’re beating yourself up for sins you haven’t committed and denying yourself the healing you need because… well I don’t know. Because you seem to feel like you haven’t suffered enough for existing, apparently.

You need to stop holding all of this in, man, and the first step to all of this is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for feeling unsure. Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being God. Forgive yourself for the fact that you hooked up with someone you probably shouldn’t have, for reasons you couldn’t possibly have known. And forgive yourself for not being whatever bulls

t vision of perfection you seem to think you are supposed to be. You need to practice some radical self-compassion, man because you’ve been hurting for too long when you didn’t need to be. It’s time to put down the burdens that aren’t yours and learn to live again.

Then get the hell on the phone with your therapist, book your next session immediately if not sooner, and then TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. It’s time to stop flagellating yourself, accept the heart break and let the healing begin. That compassion you had for A, the “boy you could have been”? You need to start having that compassion for the man YOU are NOW.

You’re stronger than you know, NCH. You can get through this. You just need to reach in and find that strength to open up and let go.

You’re going to be ok. I promise. Write back and let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)