DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You’ve mentioned you once lost a relationship with someone you thought was the perfect match and the love of you life. This just happened to me, and it is absolutely soul-crushing. On the one hand, it’s reassuring to know it happens and people can come out on the other side. And I know about the things I should be doing right now, like taking care of myself and trying to focus on things I enjoy and healing.

But it’s been a month and a half and while I am doing a little better than a month ago when I was an absolute wreck, it still hurts badly and constantly. I am still angry and confused and hurt and heartbroken and it is so hard to move on with my life and let it go. These things take time, but is there any way to not feel so broken in the meantime? I’m glad I cared about something so much and was vulnerable, but the pain is sometimes unbearable. And now not only do I have some trust issues due to some of the things she said to me that turned out to not be true, but I’ve lost all my confidence. I know I have a lot to offer, but my dating experience has not been a fruitful one and it really sucks to feel unwanted and undesirable.

How do I get my confidence back? How can I find the REAL love of my life without this forever hanging over my head and my heart? Please help.

Dumped, Dejected and Dismayed

DEAR DUMPED, DEJECTED AND DISMAYED: Man, I’m sorry this happened to you 3D. It’s always rough when a relationship falls apart, especially one that you thought was The One. It’s like getting kicked in your soul’s crotch. It hits you on a deep and personal level, feeling like you’ve just been weighed and measured and found wanting. Now you’re left questioning everything. Was any of it real? Did they mean anything they said? Was this whole thing just one horrifying performance, a WestWorld-esque fraud where the reality is just a bunch of people telling you what you want to hear.

But here’s the thing, 3D: the fact that it feels like this doesn’t mean it’s true. I hate to trot out the phrase but feelz aren’t always realz, my dude. You’re dealing with the fact that a major part of your life has come to a sudden and unexpected halt. When you’re in a relationship, you’re no longer just 3D, you’re 3D+TheirPartner. The longer you’re together, the more that’s part of who you are; you start to reorder your life around being in that relationship, with that person. When the relationship comes to an end – especially one you didn’t anticipate – that identity and that life is suddenly gone. Now after having spent months or years getting into a particular groove, you’re suddenly finding that you’re 3D again and what does this all mean?

In a real way, you’re like someone who’s lost a limb. Your brain has carved a groove around your life with your ex. Now you have to relearn life without them and that’s hard. But no matter what it may feel like “hard” isn’t the same thing as “impossible”.

Well, the answer of “how do I get back to NOT feeling like hammered crap” is in relearning who 3D is. This means taking time to get familiar with you you are. Not who you were, who you are, now that you’ve gone through this. And if you don’t know… well, then this is your opportunity to decide who you are and shape your life accordingly. It’s time to start working on yourself, doing things that are good for you. Not just that make you feel good in the moment (or just numb the pain) but that have measurable, positive effects on your life. This is one of the reasons why I always recommend hitting the gym in the wake of a break-up; not only can the treadmill or the elliptical runner or lifting weights be a sort of moving meditation, but they’re things that you can do that are good for you. You’re working on your health and getting and shape instead sitting around and feeling like a gross lump.

While you’re at it: lean on your friends. Rebuild the connections that you let slide while you were with your partner and strengthen the ones that are already there. Your friends are a source of support in this time and it’s good to remind yourself that you’re still loved and appreciated.

This is also the time to throw yourself into a new hobby or interest. Maybe you’ve always had the idea that you wanted to learn a new language or start playing guitar. Now is the time to start. It gives you something to occupy your brain instead of playing endless games of “what if”. Plus: it makes you a more interesting, more well-rounded person… which helps you find new relationships down the line.

But the most important thing you can do, 3D, is give yourself time. It’s only been a month and a half. That’s not a long time in the scheme of things, and it’s unreasonable to expect that you’re going to be magically all better virtually no time at all. You need to let yourself heal, 3D and you can’t do that if you keep picking at the scab. It’s going to hurt while your heart knits itself back together and your wounds close. You will grieve. That’s fine. That’s natural. But it will fade over time. It will be gradual, sure. But one day you’re going to realize that you don’t feel so bad. Yeah you may not be at 100% yet… but it doesn’t suck as much either. It’s like when you’ve had a headache because you had it for so long that you only realize it by it’s absence.

So take your time, 3D. Work on yourself, connect with your friends and occupy your brain. These will all help ease the pain so that you can let time and perspective do their work. Because it will get better. I promise.

All will be well.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Love the column! It’s given me a lot of food for thought over recent months as I begin to seriously consider dating as a fun, healthy thing to do rather than a way to fill a hole in my life.

I’ve made a lot of positive changes lately in my life in general as well as my attitude towards dating. I try to adopt an abundance mentality. I’m beginning to feel that the only chances you’re guaranteed to blow are the ones you don’t take. If I’m out and feeling anxious or sad about my prospects, I’ll turn my phone off and engage with humans rather than hide in a corner checking Twitter and cursing my genetics (which I imagine wasn’t particularly attractive behaviour). I have trouble believing that someone with my face has ever been sent signals, but I’ve actually done okay historically with people out-right telling me they like me or having friends say ‘do you remember that time I hit on you?’ years later which I was oblivious to due to my self-esteem, so it’s a reasonable assumption that perhaps at least some strangers see something attractive about me for reasons I wish I knew and believed.

I guess my concern is this: despite believing in abundance and taking chances, what if I still screw up every opportunity? Trying my best is no guarantee that I won’t die lonely and bitter and it’s crippling to think I won’t be intimate with another ever again. I do think my confidence is growing, but I’m not sure it could stand repeated rejections and therefore the confirmation of every negative thing I believe about myself, despite knowing on an intellectual level that it’s not necessarily a value judgement about me or my appearance and working on ways to improve my own self-validation. I do think I’m good at accepting rejection and have formed good genuine friendships with people things haven’t worked out romantically with.

I’ve come off of dating apps because I started to believe that quiet spells are confirmations that I’m ugly and/or boring/weird (although I swipe on very few people, I don’t find myself particularly interested on many people on them) and I become depressed. How do I build resilience when my self-esteem demons are being roused? Is it possible that some of us just don’t ‘qualify’ for dating?

– Not Quite Human Yet

DEAR NOT QUITE HUMAN YET:Here’s my answer to what-if questions NQHY: what if a meteorite fell out of the sky and the resulting impact triggered the caldera under Yellowstone Park? Now not only is most of middle-America wiped out but the ensuing nuclear winter would cause a mini ice-age even greater than the Year Without a Summer that was caused by Mount Tambora exploding.

I bring this up because, honestly, What-If’ing is a pointless exercise. You can what-if yourself into literally any scenario because you’re not being realistic. You’re being pessimistic and assuming the worst; it only feels like you’re being realistic because our brains have an inherent negativity bias. All you’re doing is playing self-destructive fantasies that sound right to you because they conform to the beliefs you already have. 

And folks who play these What-If games never really stop to ask themselves: “what if I’m wrong?”

I mean, let’s circle back around to something you said in your letter, NQHY:

“…but I’ve actually done okay historically with people out-right telling me they like me or having friends say ‘do you remember that time I hit on you?’ years later…”

You’ve got evidence right there that folks think you’re hot piece of prime beef. And I get it: it can be hard to accept that people think you’re attractive. You want to dismiss it when your friends say it because they have to, don’t they? Trust me: I’ve been there, done that and the best compliment I may have ever gotten came from someone who was pissed I was telling incels they had hope.

There’re a lot of ways to build emotional strength, NQHY, but part of what you need to do is stop looking for bulls

t excuses to undercut your self-esteem. Part of the reason you’re getting radio silence on dating apps is because that’s standard operating procedure; there’s a lot of noise and many people – women especially – get overwhelmed. As a result, you’re going to send a lot of messages out into the void. But the other reason is you aren’t doing anything either. From your own letter:

“…although I swipe on very few people, I don’t find myself particularly interested on many people on them)…”

The lack of action is coming from inside the house, man.

You’ve made a lot of progress, NQHY and you should be proud of it. So quit letting BS ideas undercut all the hard work you’ve been doing. You’ve got a lot going for you, if you’d just let yourself believe it. Start recognizing all those times that you’ve been sabotaging your own worth and build yourself up. Be the friend that you need, man. You deserve better than what you’re allowing yourself to have.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

(Doctor’s Note: This letter contains discussion of suicide)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 30 year old guy who is in his first real relationship. I had essentially given up the idea of ever having a relationship, and was honestly quite happy with my “forever alone” status. I’m a semi-professional sportsman and my only other experience with dating was with a teammate when I was 21. We were both so far in the closet we could have been on a ship with Prince Caspian, so it didn’t end well.

Yet now I seem to be in a relationship with a nice, sweet, well adjusted guy who is a few years younger than me and… likes me. Z is attracted to me. Thinks I’m funny. Doesn’t care that I am essentially a hot mess who spends way too much time with his foam roller and is never going to make the major leagues.

And I don’t know what to do about it. I have come out in a low-key way, and although I’m not waving a rainbow flag, everyone in my team knows I’m gay and is okay with it. Particularly when I wasn’t seeing anyone.

I don’t know how to be a boyfriend. I don’t even know if I’m attracted to Z, or if I’m just attracted to the fact he wants me. (I’m not conventionally attractive, being somehow both bald and effeminate.) 

I know Z’s not my type, I know the sex hasn’t been great, but he’s inexperienced and I always seem to wind up trying to sleep with him on match days, so if it doesn’t get done quickly I get agonizing cramps in several major muscle groups because sex after hours of intense exercise is not as easy as it should be.

And there’s a complication.

I recently went on my first tour since Z and I became Facebook official. We talked beforehand and agreed that I would get a tour pass – but he didn’t want to hear about it. What goes on tour stays on tour. (It’s the sporting equivalent of what happens in Vegas, and is honestly the way about half the pro sportsmen I know manage their love lives.)

On tour I met A, and over the course of a week we hooked up. When I first hooked up with him I didn’t realise his actual age – 19. To my shame, I didn’t call a halt to it when I found out how young he was. I remembered myself at 21 and tried to be the kind of person I would have wanted.

What followed was three weeks of this teenager messaging me, trying to get me to tell him I loved him. I was friendly, I was supportive, I told him he didn’t need to be afraid of coming out, that although we lived on opposite sides of the world I would be there for him as much as I could.

Four days before I flew home A killed himself.

I found out about it because immediately prior he messaged me saying he loved me, and after a day and several missed messages, when I called him his mother answered.

I fell apart. I don’t even remember my last game, or getting to the airport. There was no one I could talk to, because the team prefer their token homo not to mention his sexuality, and because A hadn’t told anyone he liked guys.

And I’ve come back to not being able to tell Z what happened. It’s our agreement, what goes on tour stays on tour – only dead boys follow you home so much more than living ones.

I’m seeing a counselor but due to expense, I can’t keep it up. I also can’t keep something else up, which is making Z think I don’t want him anymore. Instead I’m making excuses and getting more and more hyperactive whenever I see him to hide the fact that I am completely messed up here – I’m out of my depth in this relationship, and I’m hurting so bad for a boy I cared for and, to be frank, a boy I could so easily have been.

Should I just break up with Z – who deserves better – and go back to my comfortable life of being alone? Should I tell him what happened, even if he doesn’t want to hear? Should I keep trying to pick myself up, going to the counseling I can’t afford, and hoping that as time goes by I’ll feel more human? But even if I do… I still won’t have any idea how to function in this relationship.

Dare I say it, Dr. NerdLove, you’re my only hope?

Yours,

Didn’t Come Home

DEAR DIDN’T COME HOME: Alright DCH, I’m going to start off by saying that I’m sorry that you’ve gone through this. Part of what makes suicide so tragic is that it doesn’t just affect the victim, it affects the people in their life too.

Now I also should note that this is the sort of thing that’s above my pay grade. Dr. NerdLove is NOT a real doctor, and this is the sort of thing that you should be talking about with a therapist. And honestly, that’s where you should be putting your priority. Your counselor will almost certainly be willing to work with you on a sliding scale or finding a way to make these sessions affordable to you. Failing that, there are other options out there for finding low cost – or even free – therapy. There are a number of resources out there for how to find help you can afford, and I strongly suggest you research them.

Now here’s my question: what, exactly, are you talking about with your therapist? I ask because these issues you bring up are all tangled together into one giant gordian knot; you may be picking at one particular string when you really need to cut straight through the middle. So let me start with the obvious.

What happened to A is not your fault.

Let me say that again for emphasis: what happened to A is NOT YOUR FAULT. Tattoo this backwards on your forehead so you can see it in the mirror when you wake up.

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

You aren’t responsible for what he did and it wasn’t – nor should it be – your job to monitor him 24/7 just in case he was having suicidal thoughts. “A” had problems, problems that are, unfortunately, common to young LGBTQ folks without a support structure. It’s a tragedy that he died so young, but that’s NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s a cruel detail of his death that he had latched onto you so tightly – far beyond what’s reasonable for a no-strings, on-the-road hook-up. But neither the fact that you slept with him, nor his feelings for you, make you responsible for him or his life. Yeah he was young – so very young – but he was also 19. He may not have been the most mature person, but he also wasn’t a child placed into your care.

But let’s talk about you, DCH. More specifically, let’s talk about who you’re NOT. You aren’t God. You aren’t Superman, either. You’re not Professor X, Stephen Strange, Reed Richards, The Beyonder, the Doctor, or a member of the Green Lantern Corps. You’re a man, the same as the rest of us.

Right now the guilt you’re inflicting on yourself is guilt for not being superhuman. You’re blaming yourself for, what, not being able to read his mind? For not being able to fly around the world in time to slap the pills out of his hand and some sense into his head? For not being a trained therapist with years of experience who can both recognize potentially suicidal behavior, and talk someone down from the metaphorical ledge? Because that’s not just unrealistic, that’s UNREASONABLE. You are not only shouldering the responsibility for someone else’s choices, but for not being able to somehow bend the laws of space and time, and for not having years of training and education. You are taking on guilt for things that literally no person on Earth could do.

I’m gonna be blunt, man. This isn’t on you, it’s on A. You did everything right. You were supportive, you were kind and you were giving. You did your best to follow what Dan Savage calls “the campsite rule”: leaving the other person better than you found them. The fact that A had issues – issues that were both not your responsibility nor something that you could do anything about – doesn’t change that.

But more to the point: I think you’re punishing yourself for reasons besides A’s suicide. I think you’re punishing yourself for daring to be happy. I think you’re punishing yourself for thinking that someone – several someones, in fact – could want you or find you desirable. I strongly suspect that you view yourself like Daedalus; in your arrogance you flew too high to the sun and that you deserve this guilt for your hubris.

Because here’s what I’m seeing: I’m seeing someone who doesn’t believe he has a right to love or affection. Someone who seems to believe that there’s only one way to be attractive and who is hurting himself because he doesn’t measure up to an arbitrary standard that he’s inflicting on himself for no goddamn reason.

I’m going to be even more blunt: I’m wondering how many of your problems with Z are because you don’t feel like you’re allowed to have a relationship and be happy, and you insist on doing things in the least healthy ways possible. Is your relationship with Z doomed? I have no clue because frankly this is coming through the filter of “I don’t deserve to be happy” and that’s affecting literally everything you’re doing. The sex isn’t great? I’m not surprised. Great sex is the sort of thing that requires active communication, not just hoping that things work out. It sounds like you’re not communicating. Like, at all

I mean, look at the way you’ve refused to tell Z what’s going on. “What happens on tour, stays on tour”? Yeah, that applies to things like “I got some action from a fan of the team after the away game”, not “someone I slept with killed himself and it’s tearing me up inside”. You’re taking this promise to an unreasonable extreme and you’re hurting Z because he has no goddamned clue that you’re going through this. Which do you think is better, violating the supposed sanctity of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy of on-the-road hook-ups or letting your partner think there’s something wrong with the two of you because you won’t open up and let him in?

Look man, you have gone through hell. You are a reasonable person who’s gone through an incredibly unreasonable series of events. But what you’re doing now is only making things worse. You’re beating yourself up for sins you haven’t committed and denying yourself the healing you need because… well I don’t know. Because you seem to feel like you haven’t suffered enough for existing, apparently.

You need to stop holding all of this in, man, and the first step to all of this is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for feeling unsure. Forgive yourself for not knowing what to do. Forgive yourself for being human. Forgive yourself for not being God. Forgive yourself for the fact that you hooked up with someone you probably shouldn’t have, for reasons you couldn’t possibly have known. And forgive yourself for not being whatever bulls

t vision of perfection you seem to think you are supposed to be. You need to practice some radical self-compassion, man because you’ve been hurting for too long when you didn’t need to be. It’s time to put down the burdens that aren’t yours and learn to live again.

Then get the hell on the phone with your therapist, book your next session immediately if not sooner, and then TALK TO YOUR BOYFRIEND. It’s time to stop flagellating yourself, accept the heart break and let the healing begin. That compassion you had for A, the “boy you could have been”? You need to start having that compassion for the man YOU are NOW.

You’re stronger than you know, NCH. You can get through this. You just need to reach in and find that strength to open up and let go.

You’re going to be ok. I promise. Write back and let us know how you’re doing.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really appreciate your sex positive advice. That, your articles about dating apps, and your nonjudgemental approach to open or monogamish relationships and kinks makes me think you’re the right person to ask about this.

Some context: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for going on eight years now. Our sex has always been mind blowing and a very important part of our relationship. He is older than I am, and while in the beginning he was more experienced, over time we’ve both learned new things that excite us. Most of our sex is extremely satisfying “vanilla” PiV or PiA action, but we also like to indulge in a kink or two. We’ve discovered that for each other, we’re switches–we get off on exchanging dominating and submissive roles. Without getting too graphic, on occasion he physically dominates me (always in a safe and very enthusiastically consensual way) and on occasion I verbally dominate him through taunts and cuckolding fantasy scenarios (again always in a safe and enthusiastically consensual way). Our switchery not only adds extra excitement to our sex, but also helps keep our relationship grounded, as we both recognize that our desire to be dominated in different ways is a safe means of giving in to our different anxieties about our relationship, turning those anxieties into some cathartic fucking pleasure.

If you’re still with me, I’m getting closer to my question. So far, the cuckolding has been only in the realm of fantasy, but we think we’re ready to try to make it a reality. We’ve had many discussions about how we would progress slowly, from him watching me make out with a guy, to oral sex, to penetration. We’ve talked about boundaries like not involving people we know socially and not developing side relationships should we decide (together) to involve the same person more than once. We agree that if either one of us feels uncomfortable at any point for any reason, either one of us has an absolute right to call STOP. And we know that no matter what happens, at the end for the night, we’ll be cuddling each other, loving and secure.

And now my question: how do we find guys into being bulls, on our terms? We figured Tinder is a veritable fest of sausage, but I’ve never used tinder or any other dating app. I don’t know the basic etiquette, let alone the proper way to announce “I’m open to play while my partner watches and enjoys.” I know I should announce that’s what I’m looking for in advance, but I don’t know how or when to do so. Do I signal it somehow in my profile, tell the guy when we start messaging, or wait till we do the pre-date coffee thing to see if I even want to fuck him?

You’ve given advice and recommended resources for opening up relationships, but I was wondering if you have any specific advice for our situation. We don’t want to open up, just the respective exhibitionist and voyueristic pleasures of my banging a stranger while my partner watches.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

– Three’s A Party

DEAR THREE’S A PARTY: Hey, good for the two of you for the work you’re doing in keeping your relationship hot. What you two are doing is a critical part of making a relationship work, especially over the long term. This goes double for communicating with your partner – open, clear communication is a huge part of why some couples stay together and why others fall apart.

Now the trick is finding the right person in the right venue for the right kind of relationship, and a lot is going to depend on exactly what it is that you’re looking for. If you’re looking for more of an exhibitionist thrill, you may want to find a local play party or join the swinger’s scene. You’re as likely to find folks who’ll fit the bill and give you opportunities to play in public in various ways. If you’re looking to play up the eroticized humiliation or domination with just the three of you, then you may want to look for a bull, specifically.

If you want to minimize potential drama with any candidate for the bull position, then it can help to start by finding people who already speak the lingo and understand the scene. While you can occasionally find a guy who’s new to cuckoldry and fits right in with minimal effort, those tend to be few and far between. For a first time experience, finding someone with experience can be useful. This may mean bringing in a paid professional or it may mean meeting with some of your local kinksters, making friends and seeing if there are folks that you vibe with and who vibe with you. You may want to attend a munch or two and connect with the kinky community – not to find a potential bull, specifically, but to just make connections, meet people and attend some events. Maybe you will find someone who’s looking for your flavor of yum, maybe you won’t. But you will meet new friends who also lead kinky lifestyles. More friends, even of the strictly platonic variety is always good.

The other thing to remember is that The Internet Is Your Friend… it’s just that some places are good friends who will help you move your couch and others are the kind of friends that make you wonder why the hell you hang out with them in the first place. Craigslist may seem like an obvious choice, but it’s also a blasted hellscape of spam and bad intentions. It’s theoretically possible to find a potential bull there, but you’re going to be looking for a needle in a giant stack of other needles that are actively trying to stab you and also may be trying to give you tetanus in the process.

Sorry, I think the metaphor got away from me there.

Kinksters of various stripes frequently do meet up on Tinder and OKCupid, but it takes something of a deft hand. A woman advertising that she’s kinky (or just bi, for that matter) on a dating site tends to open the floodgates to dudes and pictures of dudes’ junk that you’re just not into. OKCupid is useful in that it now lets couples (and poly pods) in non-mongamous relationships connect their profiles. This can help set some expectations before you get into the profile itself. It may help to start by making it clear in your profile that you’re a couple looking for a male third. As you find potential candidates, take it slow and get to know them and roll out just what it is the two of you are looking for in your third.

The other potential site to consider is FetLife, which serves as an all-encompassing kink social network. It’s not a dating site – and shouldn’t necessarily be treated as one – but it can help put you in contact with people who have compatible interests… people you might then make arrangements to meet offline.

Regardless of how you meet your third, take it slow. Even if the chemistry’s there, you’re going to want to take some time to lay down ground rules and expectations. Is this a strictly voyueristic intention? Do you and your partner want him to be humiliated or dominated? Are there hard limits to insults if so? Is there going to be any sort of male-male contact – as sometimes happens in some sessions – or is this a strict “my boyfriend is going to sit in the corner while we do our thing”?

The other thing to do is for the three of you to meet for that pre-date date. Possibly a few times. Not only do you want to vet people carefully, but when it comes to a cuckold or voyeur fantasy, you want chemistry with the three of you. After all, it’s as much your partner’s fantasy as it is yours; if he’s not feeling it with this particular guy, then it’s not going to be as good for him… and not in the fun, submissive way.

Beyond that, take it slow. You may want to take baby steps at first while you see whether what works when you fantasize still works when you approach it in real life. Watching you make out with another guy at the bar may make your partner realize that oops, he’s not into this. Or you might not dig it, for that matter.

Or you might discover that it’s insanely hot and you’re all incredibly turned on. In which case, yahtzee! Schedule a proper session and get ready to enjoy all the taboo thrills.

Sounds like you two are on a good path, ICWWI. Go enjoy some sexy adventures.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 30 years old and I’m quite the late bloomer. I’m on the autism spectrum, I’m an extrovert who suffered from social anxiety in the past but now things are turning around. I have a promising job lead, with lifelong benefits including tuition reimbursement and an eventual six figure annual salary. I’ve never had a driver’s license but I’m now enrolling in a course for first time adult drivers, and if the job comes through, I’ll be able to afford an in apartment where in this city where rents are insane and FINALLY get out of my parents house.

I’ve gotten more social over the past few years, so I have more friends now.

But there’s the thing, I’m a cis-gendered hetero guy who wants more female platonic friends. I’m eventually going to start dating, but at the same time I want to also meet women who are just looking for friendship with sex and romance off the table.

The reason being is my current circle of guy friends literally reek of toxic masculinity. I’m constantly on my guard. I feel like with them I have to police myself around them. One of them constantly tries to establish himself as the ”alpha male” when we all hangout, and that usually means emasculating or humiliating ME.

I’m tired of having straws yanked out of my drinks before I can react and then told I look like I’m sucking something that’s not a straw.” Also my body has a low alcohol tolerance, so I’m also tired of being belittled and shamed into getting so drunk that I inevitably vomit after which he and the others humiliate me friend in front of the entire club or bar with ”hey everybody, can you believe this pussy lightweight!” Then I’m told when the subject of sex comes up that my one-and-only sexual encounter with a woman ”doesn’t count” because I didn’t penetrate her and therefore a ”failure” and ”I blew it.” When I call them on this, their answer is ”we’re just busting your balls” or ”that’s what happens when you’re the beta” or ”it ain’t our fault you’re breaking Bro Code!” It also doesn’t help that they’re all die-hard Trumpsters, so I get the ”soy boy” insults as well because I’m the only the liberal-leaning guy in the group.

Lately I’ve noticed around women and also gay men (TBH, even though I’m straight I find it REALLY flattering when gay men hit on me) I’m friends with I don’t feel this pressure and sure as hell don’t have to tolerate that crap. I genuinely feel like I can be myself around women and gay men, it’s like this feeling of freedom and ease that I can’t describe. Also, no wingman better is better than a wingWOMAN when it comes time to date. I’ve thought about joining Bumble’s dating service (for romantic and sexual relationships with women) and also Bumble BFF to find platonic friendships with women or possibly gay men, but the question is how do I approach women with that in mind, online and IRL, how do I ask for it and how do I assure them I don’t have any ulterior motives? That I’m not just ”trying to get in their pants?” and not just pretending to be their friend for hidden reasons?

Trying To Put Myself In The Friend Zone

DEAR TRYING TO PUT MYSELF IN THE FRIEND ZONE: Making approaching women (or non-binary folks or anyone else really) isn’t any different from approaching guys to be friends TPMFZ. All you need to do is just… talk to people. Strike up conversations. Get to know them and, as you all start to feel more comfortable around one another, invite them to do stuff as friends. Part of the reason why guys end up in The Friend Zone is because, well, they act like friends instead of potential lovers. If you’re acting like a friend to someone – not flirting on them, hitting on them or otherwise suggesting that you see them as a potential relationship – then they’re going to think of you asa friend.

(My obligatory reminder: There is no actual Friend Zone. There is just people who don’t want to date or sleep with you.)

Yeah, there will be people who’ve been burned before by self-proclaimed Nice Guys, but showing that you’re trustworthy and aboveboard is going to be what proves that you don’t have any ulterior motives. And trust me: that will make being your friend a relief instead of a source of stress.

All that having been said…

While I fully support finding some platonic female friends, TPMFZ, I’m kind of wondering why in pluperfect hell you’re hanging out with these asshats. These don’t sound like friends, they sound like a bunch of sociopathic parasites who’ve latched themselves onto you and are feasting on your self-esteem.

I get that it can feel like making friends post college is difficult-to-impossible – it’s not, but I understand the feeling – but the fact that it can be difficult doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with these folks. You can break up with friends you know, especially when they’re a bunch of toxic crapsacks. In fact, bouncing these dudes so hard that their grandparents feel it would probably be the best thing for you, both emotionally and socially. After all, your social circles don’t need to be one giant overlapping Venn diagram, but it’s nice to not have to apologize for the fact that your friends are a bunch of asshole Brosephs.

Right now these dudes are trading on the fact that you have weak boundaries and aren’t willing to stand up to them. All the the “we’re just busting your balls bro” bulls

t is just that: bulls

t. They’re telling you that you’re not “allowed” to be upset because hey, it’s “bro code”. F

k that and f

k them; they are the problem, not you and they can go have their junk-measuring contest without you. They’re welcome to be as toxic as they wanna be, but you can opt the hell out.

So first things first: tell them to collectively go screw and dump the lot of them. Let them hoot and holler about whether or not you’re man enough or “it’s just banter” or any of the rest of their crap. It doesn’t matter, they’re not your problem any more and they can go take a collective flying f

k at a rolling donut.

Trust me when I tell you that ditching all of them with a snap of your fingers will make you feel infinitely better. It will be the first step towards learning to enforce your boundaries, which will make you stronger overall. Plus: it will free up your emotional bandwidth and your time for people of all genders who are actually your friends and not just a collection of sentient fart noises.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)