DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really appreciate your sex positive advice. That, your articles about dating apps, and your nonjudgemental approach to open or monogamish relationships and kinks makes me think you’re the right person to ask about this.
Some context: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for going on eight years now. Our sex has always been mind blowing and a very important part of our relationship. He is older than I am, and while in the beginning he was more experienced, over time we’ve both learned new things that excite us. Most of our sex is extremely satisfying “vanilla” PiV or PiA action, but we also like to indulge in a kink or two. We’ve discovered that for each other, we’re switches–we get off on exchanging dominating and submissive roles. Without getting too graphic, on occasion he physically dominates me (always in a safe and very enthusiastically consensual way) and on occasion I verbally dominate him through taunts and cuckolding fantasy scenarios (again always in a safe and enthusiastically consensual way). Our switchery not only adds extra excitement to our sex, but also helps keep our relationship grounded, as we both recognize that our desire to be dominated in different ways is a safe means of giving in to our different anxieties about our relationship, turning those anxieties into some cathartic fucking pleasure.
If you’re still with me, I’m getting closer to my question. So far, the cuckolding has been only in the realm of fantasy, but we think we’re ready to try to make it a reality. We’ve had many discussions about how we would progress slowly, from him watching me make out with a guy, to oral sex, to penetration. We’ve talked about boundaries like not involving people we know socially and not developing side relationships should we decide (together) to involve the same person more than once. We agree that if either one of us feels uncomfortable at any point for any reason, either one of us has an absolute right to call STOP. And we know that no matter what happens, at the end for the night, we’ll be cuddling each other, loving and secure.
And now my question: how do we find guys into being bulls, on our terms? We figured Tinder is a veritable fest of sausage, but I’ve never used tinder or any other dating app. I don’t know the basic etiquette, let alone the proper way to announce “I’m open to play while my partner watches and enjoys.” I know I should announce that’s what I’m looking for in advance, but I don’t know how or when to do so. Do I signal it somehow in my profile, tell the guy when we start messaging, or wait till we do the pre-date coffee thing to see if I even want to fuck him?
You’ve given advice and recommended resources for opening up relationships, but I was wondering if you have any specific advice for our situation. We don’t want to open up, just the respective exhibitionist and voyueristic pleasures of my banging a stranger while my partner watches.
Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
– Three’s A Party
DEAR THREE’S A PARTY: Hey, good for the two of you for the work you’re doing in keeping your relationship hot. What you two are doing is a critical part of making a relationship work, especially over the long term. This goes double for communicating with your partner – open, clear communication is a huge part of why some couples stay together and why others fall apart.
Now the trick is finding the right person in the right venue for the right kind of relationship, and a lot is going to depend on exactly what it is that you’re looking for. If you’re looking for more of an exhibitionist thrill, you may want to find a local play party or join the swinger’s scene. You’re as likely to find folks who’ll fit the bill and give you opportunities to play in public in various ways. If you’re looking to play up the eroticized humiliation or domination with just the three of you, then you may want to look for a bull, specifically.
If you want to minimize potential drama with any candidate for the bull position, then it can help to start by finding people who already speak the lingo and understand the scene. While you can occasionally find a guy who’s new to cuckoldry and fits right in with minimal effort, those tend to be few and far between. For a first time experience, finding someone with experience can be useful. This may mean bringing in a paid professional or it may mean meeting with some of your local kinksters, making friends and seeing if there are folks that you vibe with and who vibe with you. You may want to attend a munch or two and connect with the kinky community – not to find a potential bull, specifically, but to just make connections, meet people and attend some events. Maybe you will find someone who’s looking for your flavor of yum, maybe you won’t. But you will meet new friends who also lead kinky lifestyles. More friends, even of the strictly platonic variety is always good.
The other thing to remember is that The Internet Is Your Friend… it’s just that some places are good friends who will help you move your couch and others are the kind of friends that make you wonder why the hell you hang out with them in the first place. Craigslist may seem like an obvious choice, but it’s also a blasted hellscape of spam and bad intentions. It’s theoretically possible to find a potential bull there, but you’re going to be looking for a needle in a giant stack of other needles that are actively trying to stab you and also may be trying to give you tetanus in the process.
Sorry, I think the metaphor got away from me there.
Kinksters of various stripes frequently do meet up on Tinder and OKCupid, but it takes something of a deft hand. A woman advertising that she’s kinky (or just bi, for that matter) on a dating site tends to open the floodgates to dudes and pictures of dudes’ junk that you’re just not into. OKCupid is useful in that it now lets couples (and poly pods) in non-mongamous relationships connect their profiles. This can help set some expectations before you get into the profile itself. It may help to start by making it clear in your profile that you’re a couple looking for a male third. As you find potential candidates, take it slow and get to know them and roll out just what it is the two of you are looking for in your third.
The other potential site to consider is FetLife, which serves as an all-encompassing kink social network. It’s not a dating site – and shouldn’t necessarily be treated as one – but it can help put you in contact with people who have compatible interests… people you might then make arrangements to meet offline.
Regardless of how you meet your third, take it slow. Even if the chemistry’s there, you’re going to want to take some time to lay down ground rules and expectations. Is this a strictly voyueristic intention? Do you and your partner want him to be humiliated or dominated? Are there hard limits to insults if so? Is there going to be any sort of male-male contact – as sometimes happens in some sessions – or is this a strict “my boyfriend is going to sit in the corner while we do our thing”?
The other thing to do is for the three of you to meet for that pre-date date. Possibly a few times. Not only do you want to vet people carefully, but when it comes to a cuckold or voyeur fantasy, you want chemistry with the three of you. After all, it’s as much your partner’s fantasy as it is yours; if he’s not feeling it with this particular guy, then it’s not going to be as good for him… and not in the fun, submissive way.
Beyond that, take it slow. You may want to take baby steps at first while you see whether what works when you fantasize still works when you approach it in real life. Watching you make out with another guy at the bar may make your partner realize that oops, he’s not into this. Or you might not dig it, for that matter.
Or you might discover that it’s insanely hot and you’re all incredibly turned on. In which case, yahtzee! Schedule a proper session and get ready to enjoy all the taboo thrills.
Sounds like you two are on a good path, ICWWI. Go enjoy some sexy adventures.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 30 years old and I’m quite the late bloomer. I’m on the autism spectrum, I’m an extrovert who suffered from social anxiety in the past but now things are turning around. I have a promising job lead, with lifelong benefits including tuition reimbursement and an eventual six figure annual salary. I’ve never had a driver’s license but I’m now enrolling in a course for first time adult drivers, and if the job comes through, I’ll be able to afford an in apartment where in this city where rents are insane and FINALLY get out of my parents house.
I’ve gotten more social over the past few years, so I have more friends now.
But there’s the thing, I’m a cis-gendered hetero guy who wants more female platonic friends. I’m eventually going to start dating, but at the same time I want to also meet women who are just looking for friendship with sex and romance off the table.
The reason being is my current circle of guy friends literally reek of toxic masculinity. I’m constantly on my guard. I feel like with them I have to police myself around them. One of them constantly tries to establish himself as the ”alpha male” when we all hangout, and that usually means emasculating or humiliating ME.
I’m tired of having straws yanked out of my drinks before I can react and then told I look like I’m sucking something that’s not a straw.” Also my body has a low alcohol tolerance, so I’m also tired of being belittled and shamed into getting so drunk that I inevitably vomit after which he and the others humiliate me friend in front of the entire club or bar with ”hey everybody, can you believe this pussy lightweight!” Then I’m told when the subject of sex comes up that my one-and-only sexual encounter with a woman ”doesn’t count” because I didn’t penetrate her and therefore a ”failure” and ”I blew it.” When I call them on this, their answer is ”we’re just busting your balls” or ”that’s what happens when you’re the beta” or ”it ain’t our fault you’re breaking Bro Code!” It also doesn’t help that they’re all die-hard Trumpsters, so I get the ”soy boy” insults as well because I’m the only the liberal-leaning guy in the group.
Lately I’ve noticed around women and also gay men (TBH, even though I’m straight I find it REALLY flattering when gay men hit on me) I’m friends with I don’t feel this pressure and sure as hell don’t have to tolerate that crap. I genuinely feel like I can be myself around women and gay men, it’s like this feeling of freedom and ease that I can’t describe. Also, no wingman better is better than a wingWOMAN when it comes time to date. I’ve thought about joining Bumble’s dating service (for romantic and sexual relationships with women) and also Bumble BFF to find platonic friendships with women or possibly gay men, but the question is how do I approach women with that in mind, online and IRL, how do I ask for it and how do I assure them I don’t have any ulterior motives? That I’m not just ”trying to get in their pants?” and not just pretending to be their friend for hidden reasons?
Trying To Put Myself In The Friend Zone
DEAR TRYING TO PUT MYSELF IN THE FRIEND ZONE: Making approaching women (or non-binary folks or anyone else really) isn’t any different from approaching guys to be friends TPMFZ. All you need to do is just… talk to people. Strike up conversations. Get to know them and, as you all start to feel more comfortable around one another, invite them to do stuff as friends. Part of the reason why guys end up in The Friend Zone is because, well, they act like friends instead of potential lovers. If you’re acting like a friend to someone – not flirting on them, hitting on them or otherwise suggesting that you see them as a potential relationship – then they’re going to think of you asa friend.
(My obligatory reminder: There is no actual Friend Zone. There is just people who don’t want to date or sleep with you.)
Yeah, there will be people who’ve been burned before by self-proclaimed Nice Guys, but showing that you’re trustworthy and aboveboard is going to be what proves that you don’t have any ulterior motives. And trust me: that will make being your friend a relief instead of a source of stress.
All that having been said…
While I fully support finding some platonic female friends, TPMFZ, I’m kind of wondering why in pluperfect hell you’re hanging out with these asshats. These don’t sound like friends, they sound like a bunch of sociopathic parasites who’ve latched themselves onto you and are feasting on your self-esteem.
I get that it can feel like making friends post college is difficult-to-impossible – it’s not, but I understand the feeling – but the fact that it can be difficult doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with these folks. You can break up with friends you know, especially when they’re a bunch of toxic crapsacks. In fact, bouncing these dudes so hard that their grandparents feel it would probably be the best thing for you, both emotionally and socially. After all, your social circles don’t need to be one giant overlapping Venn diagram, but it’s nice to not have to apologize for the fact that your friends are a bunch of asshole Brosephs.
Right now these dudes are trading on the fact that you have weak boundaries and aren’t willing to stand up to them. All the the “we’re just busting your balls bro” bulls
t. They’re telling you that you’re not “allowed” to be upset because hey, it’s “bro code”. F
t is just that: bulls
k that and f
k them; they are the problem, not you and they can go have their junk-measuring contest without you. They’re welcome to be as toxic as they wanna be, but you can opt the hell out.
So first things first: tell them to collectively go screw and dump the lot of them. Let them hoot and holler about whether or not you’re man enough or “it’s just banter” or any of the rest of their crap. It doesn’t matter, they’re not your problem any more and they can go take a collective flying f
k at a rolling donut.
Trust me when I tell you that ditching all of them with a snap of your fingers will make you feel infinitely better. It will be the first step towards learning to enforce your boundaries, which will make you stronger overall. Plus: it will free up your emotional bandwidth and your time for people of all genders who are actually your friends and not just a collection of sentient fart noises.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)