DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I really appreciate your sex positive advice. That, your articles about dating apps, and your nonjudgemental approach to open or monogamish relationships and kinks makes me think you’re the right person to ask about this.

Some context: My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for going on eight years now. Our sex has always been mind blowing and a very important part of our relationship. He is older than I am, and while in the beginning he was more experienced, over time we’ve both learned new things that excite us. Most of our sex is extremely satisfying “vanilla” PiV or PiA action, but we also like to indulge in a kink or two. We’ve discovered that for each other, we’re switches–we get off on exchanging dominating and submissive roles. Without getting too graphic, on occasion he physically dominates me (always in a safe and very enthusiastically consensual way) and on occasion I verbally dominate him through taunts and cuckolding fantasy scenarios (again always in a safe and enthusiastically consensual way). Our switchery not only adds extra excitement to our sex, but also helps keep our relationship grounded, as we both recognize that our desire to be dominated in different ways is a safe means of giving in to our different anxieties about our relationship, turning those anxieties into some cathartic fucking pleasure.

If you’re still with me, I’m getting closer to my question. So far, the cuckolding has been only in the realm of fantasy, but we think we’re ready to try to make it a reality. We’ve had many discussions about how we would progress slowly, from him watching me make out with a guy, to oral sex, to penetration. We’ve talked about boundaries like not involving people we know socially and not developing side relationships should we decide (together) to involve the same person more than once. We agree that if either one of us feels uncomfortable at any point for any reason, either one of us has an absolute right to call STOP. And we know that no matter what happens, at the end for the night, we’ll be cuddling each other, loving and secure.

And now my question: how do we find guys into being bulls, on our terms? We figured Tinder is a veritable fest of sausage, but I’ve never used tinder or any other dating app. I don’t know the basic etiquette, let alone the proper way to announce “I’m open to play while my partner watches and enjoys.” I know I should announce that’s what I’m looking for in advance, but I don’t know how or when to do so. Do I signal it somehow in my profile, tell the guy when we start messaging, or wait till we do the pre-date coffee thing to see if I even want to fuck him?

You’ve given advice and recommended resources for opening up relationships, but I was wondering if you have any specific advice for our situation. We don’t want to open up, just the respective exhibitionist and voyueristic pleasures of my banging a stranger while my partner watches.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

– Three’s A Party

DEAR THREE’S A PARTY: Hey, good for the two of you for the work you’re doing in keeping your relationship hot. What you two are doing is a critical part of making a relationship work, especially over the long term. This goes double for communicating with your partner – open, clear communication is a huge part of why some couples stay together and why others fall apart.

Now the trick is finding the right person in the right venue for the right kind of relationship, and a lot is going to depend on exactly what it is that you’re looking for. If you’re looking for more of an exhibitionist thrill, you may want to find a local play party or join the swinger’s scene. You’re as likely to find folks who’ll fit the bill and give you opportunities to play in public in various ways. If you’re looking to play up the eroticized humiliation or domination with just the three of you, then you may want to look for a bull, specifically.

If you want to minimize potential drama with any candidate for the bull position, then it can help to start by finding people who already speak the lingo and understand the scene. While you can occasionally find a guy who’s new to cuckoldry and fits right in with minimal effort, those tend to be few and far between. For a first time experience, finding someone with experience can be useful. This may mean bringing in a paid professional or it may mean meeting with some of your local kinksters, making friends and seeing if there are folks that you vibe with and who vibe with you. You may want to attend a munch or two and connect with the kinky community – not to find a potential bull, specifically, but to just make connections, meet people and attend some events. Maybe you will find someone who’s looking for your flavor of yum, maybe you won’t. But you will meet new friends who also lead kinky lifestyles. More friends, even of the strictly platonic variety is always good.

The other thing to remember is that The Internet Is Your Friend… it’s just that some places are good friends who will help you move your couch and others are the kind of friends that make you wonder why the hell you hang out with them in the first place. Craigslist may seem like an obvious choice, but it’s also a blasted hellscape of spam and bad intentions. It’s theoretically possible to find a potential bull there, but you’re going to be looking for a needle in a giant stack of other needles that are actively trying to stab you and also may be trying to give you tetanus in the process.

Sorry, I think the metaphor got away from me there.

Kinksters of various stripes frequently do meet up on Tinder and OKCupid, but it takes something of a deft hand. A woman advertising that she’s kinky (or just bi, for that matter) on a dating site tends to open the floodgates to dudes and pictures of dudes’ junk that you’re just not into. OKCupid is useful in that it now lets couples (and poly pods) in non-mongamous relationships connect their profiles. This can help set some expectations before you get into the profile itself. It may help to start by making it clear in your profile that you’re a couple looking for a male third. As you find potential candidates, take it slow and get to know them and roll out just what it is the two of you are looking for in your third.

The other potential site to consider is FetLife, which serves as an all-encompassing kink social network. It’s not a dating site – and shouldn’t necessarily be treated as one – but it can help put you in contact with people who have compatible interests… people you might then make arrangements to meet offline.

Regardless of how you meet your third, take it slow. Even if the chemistry’s there, you’re going to want to take some time to lay down ground rules and expectations. Is this a strictly voyueristic intention? Do you and your partner want him to be humiliated or dominated? Are there hard limits to insults if so? Is there going to be any sort of male-male contact – as sometimes happens in some sessions – or is this a strict “my boyfriend is going to sit in the corner while we do our thing”?

The other thing to do is for the three of you to meet for that pre-date date. Possibly a few times. Not only do you want to vet people carefully, but when it comes to a cuckold or voyeur fantasy, you want chemistry with the three of you. After all, it’s as much your partner’s fantasy as it is yours; if he’s not feeling it with this particular guy, then it’s not going to be as good for him… and not in the fun, submissive way.

Beyond that, take it slow. You may want to take baby steps at first while you see whether what works when you fantasize still works when you approach it in real life. Watching you make out with another guy at the bar may make your partner realize that oops, he’s not into this. Or you might not dig it, for that matter.

Or you might discover that it’s insanely hot and you’re all incredibly turned on. In which case, yahtzee! Schedule a proper session and get ready to enjoy all the taboo thrills.

Sounds like you two are on a good path, ICWWI. Go enjoy some sexy adventures.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 30 years old and I’m quite the late bloomer. I’m on the autism spectrum, I’m an extrovert who suffered from social anxiety in the past but now things are turning around. I have a promising job lead, with lifelong benefits including tuition reimbursement and an eventual six figure annual salary. I’ve never had a driver’s license but I’m now enrolling in a course for first time adult drivers, and if the job comes through, I’ll be able to afford an in apartment where in this city where rents are insane and FINALLY get out of my parents house.

I’ve gotten more social over the past few years, so I have more friends now.

But there’s the thing, I’m a cis-gendered hetero guy who wants more female platonic friends. I’m eventually going to start dating, but at the same time I want to also meet women who are just looking for friendship with sex and romance off the table.

The reason being is my current circle of guy friends literally reek of toxic masculinity. I’m constantly on my guard. I feel like with them I have to police myself around them. One of them constantly tries to establish himself as the ”alpha male” when we all hangout, and that usually means emasculating or humiliating ME.

I’m tired of having straws yanked out of my drinks before I can react and then told I look like I’m sucking something that’s not a straw.” Also my body has a low alcohol tolerance, so I’m also tired of being belittled and shamed into getting so drunk that I inevitably vomit after which he and the others humiliate me friend in front of the entire club or bar with ”hey everybody, can you believe this pussy lightweight!” Then I’m told when the subject of sex comes up that my one-and-only sexual encounter with a woman ”doesn’t count” because I didn’t penetrate her and therefore a ”failure” and ”I blew it.” When I call them on this, their answer is ”we’re just busting your balls” or ”that’s what happens when you’re the beta” or ”it ain’t our fault you’re breaking Bro Code!” It also doesn’t help that they’re all die-hard Trumpsters, so I get the ”soy boy” insults as well because I’m the only the liberal-leaning guy in the group.

Lately I’ve noticed around women and also gay men (TBH, even though I’m straight I find it REALLY flattering when gay men hit on me) I’m friends with I don’t feel this pressure and sure as hell don’t have to tolerate that crap. I genuinely feel like I can be myself around women and gay men, it’s like this feeling of freedom and ease that I can’t describe. Also, no wingman better is better than a wingWOMAN when it comes time to date. I’ve thought about joining Bumble’s dating service (for romantic and sexual relationships with women) and also Bumble BFF to find platonic friendships with women or possibly gay men, but the question is how do I approach women with that in mind, online and IRL, how do I ask for it and how do I assure them I don’t have any ulterior motives? That I’m not just ”trying to get in their pants?” and not just pretending to be their friend for hidden reasons?

Trying To Put Myself In The Friend Zone

DEAR TRYING TO PUT MYSELF IN THE FRIEND ZONE: Making approaching women (or non-binary folks or anyone else really) isn’t any different from approaching guys to be friends TPMFZ. All you need to do is just… talk to people. Strike up conversations. Get to know them and, as you all start to feel more comfortable around one another, invite them to do stuff as friends. Part of the reason why guys end up in The Friend Zone is because, well, they act like friends instead of potential lovers. If you’re acting like a friend to someone – not flirting on them, hitting on them or otherwise suggesting that you see them as a potential relationship – then they’re going to think of you asa friend.

(My obligatory reminder: There is no actual Friend Zone. There is just people who don’t want to date or sleep with you.)

Yeah, there will be people who’ve been burned before by self-proclaimed Nice Guys, but showing that you’re trustworthy and aboveboard is going to be what proves that you don’t have any ulterior motives. And trust me: that will make being your friend a relief instead of a source of stress.

All that having been said…

While I fully support finding some platonic female friends, TPMFZ, I’m kind of wondering why in pluperfect hell you’re hanging out with these asshats. These don’t sound like friends, they sound like a bunch of sociopathic parasites who’ve latched themselves onto you and are feasting on your self-esteem.

I get that it can feel like making friends post college is difficult-to-impossible – it’s not, but I understand the feeling – but the fact that it can be difficult doesn’t mean that you have to be friends with these folks. You can break up with friends you know, especially when they’re a bunch of toxic crapsacks. In fact, bouncing these dudes so hard that their grandparents feel it would probably be the best thing for you, both emotionally and socially. After all, your social circles don’t need to be one giant overlapping Venn diagram, but it’s nice to not have to apologize for the fact that your friends are a bunch of asshole Brosephs.

Right now these dudes are trading on the fact that you have weak boundaries and aren’t willing to stand up to them. All the the “we’re just busting your balls bro” bulls

t is just that: bulls

t. They’re telling you that you’re not “allowed” to be upset because hey, it’s “bro code”. F

k that and f

k them; they are the problem, not you and they can go have their junk-measuring contest without you. They’re welcome to be as toxic as they wanna be, but you can opt the hell out.

So first things first: tell them to collectively go screw and dump the lot of them. Let them hoot and holler about whether or not you’re man enough or “it’s just banter” or any of the rest of their crap. It doesn’t matter, they’re not your problem any more and they can go take a collective flying f

k at a rolling donut.

Trust me when I tell you that ditching all of them with a snap of your fingers will make you feel infinitely better. It will be the first step towards learning to enforce your boundaries, which will make you stronger overall. Plus: it will free up your emotional bandwidth and your time for people of all genders who are actually your friends and not just a collection of sentient fart noises.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How in the heck does a man actually feel like a sexual creature? How do you start feeling worthy of having sex and being comfortable expressing that I want to have sex in this world?

I say this as sometimes (a lot of the time actually) it’s just not worth trying to meet people. It feels as though as everyone has a million stories about creeps trying to hit on them and as a man with no experience in asking people out, I’m going to come off as creepy a heck of a lot before I even have reasonable social skills, a 9 in charisma (out of 20).

I just don’t want to be the creep, even accidentally and I never asked anyone out in school, so I don’t have the practice to help me. I also never asked anyone out and barely socialized at all in college, meaning that I’m waaaay further behind socially than most people.

Now if I were a time traveller, I’d get my past self to socialize more but I do not have such technology, besides if I did it would be consumer-model, I. E. Terrible as slackers can’t afford nice things without taking out a loan.

Anyway, while we’re talking stats, my strength is less than 5, I’m puny, my Dexterity is 10, my best stat in that it’s the speed and reflexes of an average person, my Constitution is abysmal, 4, I get horribly horribly winded from a light 10 second jog, my Intelligence and Wisdom is 6, I’m deficient in my studies and haven’t seen enough of the world to prevent myself from getting ripped off and my charisma is a 4, I get by (barely) socially with my D&D games but I dont have a life outside of it.

My idea of a bad evening is when my computer updates and I’m stuck inside with a bunch of books I only read in the mornings over breakfast, and a ton of ideas for stories to write but not the get up and go to even write out a draft.

I got off topic, point is I now only see love as something that happens in fiction, a nice little lie to sell products on deceitful holidays like Valentines day.

I’m not angry about the love is a lie thing, I get by alright with a monk-like lifestyle right now, I just need to learn how to feel like a sexual being, as in feeling worthy of actually having sex and expressing that fact in case I meet someone that wants to spend their life with me and I want to spend my life with them, and living life like In the life insurance ads, happy in our old age.

But how would I feel like any woman would actually be interested with me? I’m the proverbial anime fan on prom night.

There needs to be something standout about me for any woman to be interested, me being a sports star, or an investor, or one of those losers you find on TED talks, trying to give others false hope. I need to be an inventor, or a scientist or a programmer who doesn’t want to take vast amounts of user information via social networking websites.

Women aren’t interested in 20-something loser man child who all they want to do is write stories, they… just want somebody better.

So anyway, how the hell does somebody even feel ready to ask somebody out? Leaving aside all the potential public shaming that could occur, my brain just doesn’t accept it as a concept. I mean the attraction’s there, but it always thinks ‘pass on by’ and I do, unwilling to ask someone out because it most likely won’t be worth the effort.

What would I gain? A nice conversation perhaps, maybe even a hug goodnight. What’s to lose? Getting beat up, publicly shamed, sneered at, or worse.

Now I was thinking about being a pillar of the community to find meaning in my sexless life, but something tells me that people will sponge off my generous nature, never learning how to do anything for themselves and just expect handout after handout. I want to help people but I don’t want to be their caretaker.

I got off track there again, apologies doc.

Thanks,

Iron Hand

DEAR IRON HAND: Alright, I’m gonna do something I don’t normally do. Iron Hand, I want you to just shut up.

This isn’t “Oh sweet Zombie Jesus shut up already you annoying idiot”, it’s “shut up and just DO it already”. You just spent over 700 words and god knows how many minutes talking about all the things you don’t like about yourself and why you can’t possibly ask anyone out. That, honestly, is time wasted. For all the time you just spent listing all the things that are supposedly wrong with you, and all the reasons why the universe is arrayed against you, and you have to suffer the slings and arrows of having leapt off the blocks at the start of whatever social skills race you seem to think you’re in, you could have spent it DOING something about it. And by something I mean literally anything. 

But you haven’t. All those things you’ve told me about? They’re excuses. And they’re not even GOOD excuses. 99.999% of them are things that you have just straight made up out of whole cloth. I don’t know if you’ve spent too much time on Incel or Red Pill forums or if this all came straight out of your own head, but you’ve painted a Heironimous Bosch painting of a world that, frankly doesn’t exist. The idea, for example, that you need to be the top 1% of anything to date, for example, is rank bulls

t and so easily disprovable that I wonder if YOU even believe it. All you need to do is go to a Wal-Mart or Mark and Spencers on a Sunday afternoon to see people who are emphatically not Elon Musk or LeBron James who have girlfriends, boyfriends, husband and wives. If we had to be the tip top of society to date, the human race would’ve gone extinct hundreds of thousands of years ago.

But like I said: these aren’t reasons. These are excuses. Because literally everything you list about why you can’t do something is a) BS and  b) eminently fixable… if you get up off your ass and do something about it. Because right now? It sounds like you’re waiting for all of these changes to just magically happen, since they didn’t just happen for you as a kid. But that’s not going to happen. I mean, if you want to talk about anime fans on prom night, let me give you a relevant quote:

“Those who only complain about their helplessness will not change a thing.”

 Nothing is going to happen unless you MAKE it happen.

We have a saying around NerdLove Industries, IH: “Deeds, not words.” You’re giving me a lot of words. If you want things to get better, then you have to quit with the words and start doing the deeds. You want to build your stats? OK, cool… then get out there. You want to work on your strength and constitution? Then hit the gym. Download a copy of “Zombies, Run” and start practicing for the zombie apocalypse. Throw some TV shows onto your smartphone and hop on a treadmill. Want to develop your social skills? Then go and practice them. They’re called social SKILLS for a reason; they’re something that you can improve if, IF you use them.

Tired of those bad, lonely evenings in? Then get up and get out of your house. Join a Meetup for something you’re into. Find the subreddit for your city and see what’s going on around you. Check out the week’s events in your local alt-weekly. There are hundreds of things that you can do and places to go on a daily basis to get out, meet people and generally be a social animal.

Will you be perfectly, socially fluent right off the jump? No, probably not. But that’s not the point, because nobody is. People don’t get off the couch and suddenly run marathons either. Everybody starts from zero and works up from there. If you want to get better, then you’re going to have to go out and grind some experience points, because you sure as hell aren’t earning them sitting around at home complaining about being lonely.

Did you get a later start than other folks? Sure… but that doesn’t mean a damn thing. You can still start now. Nobody’s going to give a damn about your being a late bloomer unless you make it an issue.

And if you actually go out and talk with people instead of creating these elaborate and oddly specific fantasies about what will happen to you if you actually interact with folks. Nobody’s going to beat you up, nobody’s going to publicly shame you and the only folks who’re going to try to sponge off of you are grifters who want you to stay exactly as you are. Don’t want to get scammed? Then go out there and take some levels in bad-ass.

The only person who can help you meet your goals and achieve your dreams is you and that’s never going to happen unless you actually commit to it. So get off your butt, make a list of the things you want to fix, make plans about how you’re going to fix them and then do it. If you need to know where to start, then grab some of my books and work from there. But if you want to become someone who’s worth dating, then you have to decide that you are going to be the one to make it happen.

It’s up to you and only you IH.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I go basically everywhere alone. Concerts, conventions. . . everywhere. Sometimes, not always, it’s nice to have a random casual conversation with another human being. But almost 100% of the time the men I speak to seem to think that I’m hitting on them or something. (And I do not just speak to men. I’ll drop a casual, “did you hit that traffic too?” to ANYONE.) And then the conversation gets shut down quickly.

Example:

Me: Nice weather for the show.

Guy: My wife is off getting our beers.

I’m not exaggerating. Within 2-3 sentences the wife or girlfriend is dropped into the conversation. This is from men young and old, attractive and not. (It happened tonight at a show with an extremely unattractive older overweight guy.)

And I need to mention that I am not dressed suggestively. I am not remotely attractive either. And I don’t give off flirty signals like some desperate stray dog out to hump some leg. So, why does this happen? I feel like they’re putting me in my place. It makes me feel like I got dropped into a scene from Dietland when all I want to do is exchange a casual sentence or three.

Just Trying To Be Friendly

DEAR JUST TRYING TO BE FRIENDLY: So one of the questions I get a lot is about why women don’t make the first move and why guys are expected to be the initiators and aggressors. The reactions you’re getting, JTTBF? That’s one of the reasons why. Because we’ve been living with the cultural expectation that men are supposed to make the first move for so long, we tend to think that women who take the initiative are far more invested than they actually are. Guys assume that if a woman is approaching them then either a) it’s a trick or b) she must really want him; after all, she’s flouting society’s accepted rules to talk to him.

This, in all likelihood, is what’s happening to you. You’re being friendly and making casual conversation, but to these guys either you’re leading up to asking them for a date or trying to sell something. So they’re trying to wave you off by bringing up a potential partner.

Unfortunately, there’s not much that can be done about this because hey, that’s in their heads. Now, if you still feel like being chatty, then you could just say “…ok?” in a puzzled voice to give a sign that you’re not sure how that’s relevant before moving to a different topic. If they’re otherwise cool folks who just misread the situation, they’ll apologize or follow you into the new conversational thread. But if they’re absolutely convinced that you’re there to hit on them, there’s not really anything you can do, nor is it your responsibility. They’re just being stupid and you can go talk with someone who actually does appreciate casual conversation.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Been reading your stuff for awhile and it’s been really helpful. I’m a 28 year old male that’s been in a dating drought for about 3 years now, but this summer has been quite a bit different. 

So I’ve gone on a couple dates with a girl from work over the course of this last month. I wish I could say it’s been smooth sailing but it hasn’t. I asked this girl if she wanted to go to a friend’s birthday party, which she agreed. As the night went on, we were flirting and ended up having a very passionate make-out session (Awesome!), after which we planned our first actual date. Before the date, we texted frequently and she talked about how excited she was, but also told me that she’s terrible at texting, hasn’t dated in awhile, and considers herself a “work in progress.” I thought these might be red flags, so I ignored them.

The first date went great, I cooked for her, we watched a movie, made out, then went on a walk and were totally into each other and planned for a second date the following week. She went home and thanked me for a great night. The day after our first date, she got some bad news that she didn’t get a promotion that she was lead to believe was in the bag for her. She was pretty devastated. I was unaware of this and she didn’t communicate much during this time which was leading me to believe she wasn’t interested. But she told me she was still interested and wanted another date. So we planned for the next week. The day of date 2, comes by and she cancels on me saying she’s sick with food poisoning. My BS detector was giving me a strong indication that this was in fact, BS. The BS detector was validated when I saw later that day that she posted on Instagram about how hard she worked out at the gym, the day of our date, “sick with food poisoning.” Nice.

But I’m a hard learner, so I stuck around. The only reason I decided to stick around was because in the text, she wanted to reschedule for the next Tuesday when we were both off. So I figured I’d see what happens. The few days before the rescheduled 2nd date she had apologized and explained the whole thing about not getting promoted and that she’s not a flaky girl, so I was cool with that. She took me to breakfast for the second date and it went well enough. The next day or so I asked her out on a 3rd date which she happily accepted. I texted her the day before our date to firm up some details about if I was picking her up, and she took FOREVER to respond, like 7 hours. I try not to double text and not come off as needy, but I had to in this case. She sent a super brief text claiming she thought she responded (I’m sure) and was cool with me picking her up. So the day arrives, I’m supposed to take her to dinner after she gets off work but I already get the feeling it’s not gonna happen. I send her a text the morning of to confirm that we’re still on for the night. 6 hours goes by, not a word. Then about an hour before shes supposed to get off work she calls me and all I could hear was her crying, trying to talk to me but I couldn’t make out a word. So she sent me a text saying she had a sore throat and wouldn’t be able to do our date but didn’t want me to think she was lying and was struggling that day.

I thought this was pretty genuine and we rescheduled again for the next week. As this week went by we texted every couple of days and I would see her at work and we’d chill in the breakroom if we were both in there. Everything was cool. I call her 2 days before our date to firm up our plans and she was excited and totally down. We talked for a little bit and everything seemed peachy. The day of the date arrives, I send her a text that morning (about 10 a.m.) saying good morning and asking her what time she wanted me to pick her up. Now based on my previous experience with her terrible texting behavior and the fact that she was all for our date and flirty at work, I didn’t stress about not getting a response for a few hours. By 3 p.m. I started to think this was looking like a repeat of last time. By 4:30 pm I finally sent another text asking if she was still wanting to go out tonight. I saw that she was active on Instagram so I knew she wasn’t dead. By 5:30 pm I called and didn’t get an answer. Then I followed up with an “Are you ok?” text that I wish I could take back because it’s lame and was sent in a moment of desperation. I finally admitted to myself what was happening so I completely deleted her from my phone and unfollowed her on Instagram so I couldn’t send anymore texts.

So yeah, I was lead on for weeks and then ghosted on the 3rd date by someone I’ll see at work pretty frequently. I’m beyond confused as to why she would do something so rude and I’m not sure how to deal with this when I see her again at work. I want to confront her about it, but that seems pointless because in the end I’ll still want nothing to do with her. So I’d like to take the high road, but I don’t know what that looks like. Thankfully I’ll be quitting in 5 weeks when school starts back up and then moving onto a new job, so I’ll never see her again. But until then, I’ll see her a lot.

Any sage advice?

Sincerely, 

Ghost Buster

DEAR GHOST BUSTER: That is some odd behavior, GB. Generally when someone’s going to ghost on you, they go radio silent, or say something like “check in with me on the day of”. What they usually don’t do is constantly kick things down the road and keep giving every indication that they’re excited for the next date. So what gives?

The first possible option is that things are exactly as they appear: she’s horrible at texting, is a little flakey and there’s just been a long string of bad luck. Despite as improbable as it may sound, s

t does happen and life just keeps kneecapping your plans every time you turn around. I’ve had times where it took over two months to finally make date happen with someone I’d met on OKCupid because something went wrong every single time one of us proposed another time. We eventually managed to get together and had a laugh at how much of a struggle it was.

The second possible option is that she’s the sort of person who can make plans but freaks out on the day of. Maybe she had every intention of going out on that date with you but ran out of spell points (or spoons or whatever metaphor you prefer) and couldn’t quite bring herself to say “I can’t make it.” Maybe she has anxiety when it comes to social engagements and makes excuses because she’s embarrassed.

The third option is that after the first date, she just wasn’t feeling it but couldn’t quite bring herself to tell you. The fact that the two of you work together makes just flaking on you trickier, especially if you’re going to see each other on the regular. Inventing a plausible excuse and begging forgiveness gives a socially acceptable way of saying “thanks, but I’m not feeling it” without inadvertently insulting you or making things awkward at work. (Whether this actually works is another question entirely but, it’s something many people do.)

Meeting up for breakfast is a low-investment, low-intimacy sort of date that limits potential shenanigans afterwards and fulfills her obligation of having agreed to the date in the first place.

But what about the flirting and the makeouts? Well, sometimes that’s just all somebody wants; the makeouts were nice, but they don’t want to take it any further. They may have been into it in the moment but on further reflection – or dates – decided that they just weren’t feeling it. Or you may have said or done something that ultimately made them decide not to go out with you again, but not so egregious that they couldn’t talk to you in person.

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day, either she’s not interested or she is interested but just doesn’t have her life together enough to date. Regardless of what the truth is, the only thing to do is just accept it with a shrug and move on. As much as it may sting your ego to have been rejected like this, this is honestly fairly minor as far as dating mishaps go. The best option is to drop the subject and just be polite and cordial at work. Don’t feel like you have to talk about what happened – or rather, what didn’t happen – and just stick to pleasantries about work. Five weeks isn’t long in the scheme of things, and afterwards, you won’t have to deal with her again.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I salute you from an lost island on the Mediterranean Sea. Apologies in advance, English isn’t my first language.

I’m a 25 year old man and I’ve been studying and practicing about all this dating world for a while. I’ve finally gone from zero to “Hey, it’s a date”. But I’ve never been in a relationship

Now I’ll explain the dynamic. The date begins, all is going great, I add up a little of humour but, like a loose saltcellar, it spills everywhere. The next day I wake up on the dreaded Friend Zone (nothing bad in making new friends).

Every of my friends knows how to use the humour to flirt, they tell me to be more smooth, maybe give me some advice or two. Others don’t say a word because their techniques are “top secret”. 

I’m not a handsome boy, but at least I fullfill the basics (on taking care, getting fit, etc). Despite that, I don’t have many opportunities to get a date or a “match”.

The problems comes when my brain tells me: “Ok, It’s time to flirt” and then I go blank. I understand the dynamics of push-pulls, but in practice, nothing comes out. I don’t know how I’ve to flirt, or be playful. If I compliment her looks, ends with me being “so polite”, If I try to being a little dirty, it ends on an awkward moment. 

And, I do not why, sometimes I start the “automatic comedy routine” so I end up in Friend Zone. On Tinder is a little bit more difficult, a bad move leads to ghosting (anecdotally, where I live, is full of people from around the world on vacations, so you need to be chill in various languages and having translated bios)

Help me Doc, I want to be smooth, I want to have fun making little dirty jokes with a girl and she responding on the same way. My objective is not to write this to complain, is to know how can I practice this and not staying blank. I’ve been putting a lot of effort in my dating life, and I know I can do more! But I want to be sure that these efforts are on the right track.

Thanks for your time.

Tongue Tied and Twisted

DEAR TONGUE TIED AND TWISTED: A couple thoughts, TTT. The first is that you need to separate the process from the outcome. Part of why you’re going blank is because you’re so caught up in the outcome. You see flirting as being the key to success, so you have put monumental importance on it. That, in turn, puts immense pressure on you to Not Mess It Up. So now you’re thinking about what to say, how to say it, what your date is going to say and now you’re all “daaaah how do words go?” It’s the Centipede’s Dilemma: you were doing great until someone asked you how you kept all those feet in synch and now you’re tripping all over yourself.

Think of how you talk with your friends, male, female and otherwise. You’re not so invested in the outcome, so it’s easy to just relax and let the banter flow. You’re in the moment, not constantly analyzing every single word and phrase coming out of your mouth for maximum impact. So it is with dating and flirting; the more that you can be in the moment and not thinking about how to maximize your flirting potential, the better you’ll do overall.

The next is that you need to find your flirting style. There’s more than one way to flirt. Some people do well using humor to flirt; they’re great at banter and wordplay. Others do well with more sexual flirting, able to make ribald or even overtly lascivious comments that women love. Still others are straightforward and complimentary. It’s all about finding what works for you and with your personality. Forcing a flirting style that isn’t in line with who you are is like trying to jam your feet into shoes that just don’t fit. You might be able to make it work, but it’s going to pinch and rub blisters and generally make you miserable in the long run. The more the way you flirt meshes with your personality, the more natural and authentic it feels and the easier it will come to you.

The third option is that you need more practice flirting. Flirting is a skill after all, and like all skills, it’s one that eventually becomes part of your muscle memory. Finding opportunities to flirt for fun and practice – as opposed to when it “counts” – gives you a chance to work on your flirting without feeling like you need to perform perfectly. If things go well, then hey, bonus! If they don’t and you trip over your tongue? Well, it doesn’t matter, because it’s just practice.

Just remember: regardless of your flirting style, flirting is supposed to be fun for everyone involved. Lean into the fun side of things, and you’ll do much better… and not freeze up as often.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)