DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Been reading your stuff for awhile and it’s been really helpful. I’m a 28 year old male that’s been in a dating drought for about 3 years now, but this summer has been quite a bit different. 

So I’ve gone on a couple dates with a girl from work over the course of this last month. I wish I could say it’s been smooth sailing but it hasn’t. I asked this girl if she wanted to go to a friend’s birthday party, which she agreed. As the night went on, we were flirting and ended up having a very passionate make-out session (Awesome!), after which we planned our first actual date. Before the date, we texted frequently and she talked about how excited she was, but also told me that she’s terrible at texting, hasn’t dated in awhile, and considers herself a “work in progress.” I thought these might be red flags, so I ignored them.

The first date went great, I cooked for her, we watched a movie, made out, then went on a walk and were totally into each other and planned for a second date the following week. She went home and thanked me for a great night. The day after our first date, she got some bad news that she didn’t get a promotion that she was lead to believe was in the bag for her. She was pretty devastated. I was unaware of this and she didn’t communicate much during this time which was leading me to believe she wasn’t interested. But she told me she was still interested and wanted another date. So we planned for the next week. The day of date 2, comes by and she cancels on me saying she’s sick with food poisoning. My BS detector was giving me a strong indication that this was in fact, BS. The BS detector was validated when I saw later that day that she posted on Instagram about how hard she worked out at the gym, the day of our date, “sick with food poisoning.” Nice.

But I’m a hard learner, so I stuck around. The only reason I decided to stick around was because in the text, she wanted to reschedule for the next Tuesday when we were both off. So I figured I’d see what happens. The few days before the rescheduled 2nd date she had apologized and explained the whole thing about not getting promoted and that she’s not a flaky girl, so I was cool with that. She took me to breakfast for the second date and it went well enough. The next day or so I asked her out on a 3rd date which she happily accepted. I texted her the day before our date to firm up some details about if I was picking her up, and she took FOREVER to respond, like 7 hours. I try not to double text and not come off as needy, but I had to in this case. She sent a super brief text claiming she thought she responded (I’m sure) and was cool with me picking her up. So the day arrives, I’m supposed to take her to dinner after she gets off work but I already get the feeling it’s not gonna happen. I send her a text the morning of to confirm that we’re still on for the night. 6 hours goes by, not a word. Then about an hour before shes supposed to get off work she calls me and all I could hear was her crying, trying to talk to me but I couldn’t make out a word. So she sent me a text saying she had a sore throat and wouldn’t be able to do our date but didn’t want me to think she was lying and was struggling that day.

I thought this was pretty genuine and we rescheduled again for the next week. As this week went by we texted every couple of days and I would see her at work and we’d chill in the breakroom if we were both in there. Everything was cool. I call her 2 days before our date to firm up our plans and she was excited and totally down. We talked for a little bit and everything seemed peachy. The day of the date arrives, I send her a text that morning (about 10 a.m.) saying good morning and asking her what time she wanted me to pick her up. Now based on my previous experience with her terrible texting behavior and the fact that she was all for our date and flirty at work, I didn’t stress about not getting a response for a few hours. By 3 p.m. I started to think this was looking like a repeat of last time. By 4:30 pm I finally sent another text asking if she was still wanting to go out tonight. I saw that she was active on Instagram so I knew she wasn’t dead. By 5:30 pm I called and didn’t get an answer. Then I followed up with an “Are you ok?” text that I wish I could take back because it’s lame and was sent in a moment of desperation. I finally admitted to myself what was happening so I completely deleted her from my phone and unfollowed her on Instagram so I couldn’t send anymore texts.

So yeah, I was lead on for weeks and then ghosted on the 3rd date by someone I’ll see at work pretty frequently. I’m beyond confused as to why she would do something so rude and I’m not sure how to deal with this when I see her again at work. I want to confront her about it, but that seems pointless because in the end I’ll still want nothing to do with her. So I’d like to take the high road, but I don’t know what that looks like. Thankfully I’ll be quitting in 5 weeks when school starts back up and then moving onto a new job, so I’ll never see her again. But until then, I’ll see her a lot.

Any sage advice?

Sincerely, 

Ghost Buster

DEAR GHOST BUSTER: That is some odd behavior, GB. Generally when someone’s going to ghost on you, they go radio silent, or say something like “check in with me on the day of”. What they usually don’t do is constantly kick things down the road and keep giving every indication that they’re excited for the next date. So what gives?

The first possible option is that things are exactly as they appear: she’s horrible at texting, is a little flakey and there’s just been a long string of bad luck. Despite as improbable as it may sound, s

t does happen and life just keeps kneecapping your plans every time you turn around. I’ve had times where it took over two months to finally make date happen with someone I’d met on OKCupid because something went wrong every single time one of us proposed another time. We eventually managed to get together and had a laugh at how much of a struggle it was.

The second possible option is that she’s the sort of person who can make plans but freaks out on the day of. Maybe she had every intention of going out on that date with you but ran out of spell points (or spoons or whatever metaphor you prefer) and couldn’t quite bring herself to say “I can’t make it.” Maybe she has anxiety when it comes to social engagements and makes excuses because she’s embarrassed.

The third option is that after the first date, she just wasn’t feeling it but couldn’t quite bring herself to tell you. The fact that the two of you work together makes just flaking on you trickier, especially if you’re going to see each other on the regular. Inventing a plausible excuse and begging forgiveness gives a socially acceptable way of saying “thanks, but I’m not feeling it” without inadvertently insulting you or making things awkward at work. (Whether this actually works is another question entirely but, it’s something many people do.)

Meeting up for breakfast is a low-investment, low-intimacy sort of date that limits potential shenanigans afterwards and fulfills her obligation of having agreed to the date in the first place.

But what about the flirting and the makeouts? Well, sometimes that’s just all somebody wants; the makeouts were nice, but they don’t want to take it any further. They may have been into it in the moment but on further reflection – or dates – decided that they just weren’t feeling it. Or you may have said or done something that ultimately made them decide not to go out with you again, but not so egregious that they couldn’t talk to you in person.

Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter. At the end of the day, either she’s not interested or she is interested but just doesn’t have her life together enough to date. Regardless of what the truth is, the only thing to do is just accept it with a shrug and move on. As much as it may sting your ego to have been rejected like this, this is honestly fairly minor as far as dating mishaps go. The best option is to drop the subject and just be polite and cordial at work. Don’t feel like you have to talk about what happened – or rather, what didn’t happen – and just stick to pleasantries about work. Five weeks isn’t long in the scheme of things, and afterwards, you won’t have to deal with her again.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I salute you from an lost island on the Mediterranean Sea. Apologies in advance, English isn’t my first language.

I’m a 25 year old man and I’ve been studying and practicing about all this dating world for a while. I’ve finally gone from zero to “Hey, it’s a date”. But I’ve never been in a relationship

Now I’ll explain the dynamic. The date begins, all is going great, I add up a little of humour but, like a loose saltcellar, it spills everywhere. The next day I wake up on the dreaded Friend Zone (nothing bad in making new friends).

Every of my friends knows how to use the humour to flirt, they tell me to be more smooth, maybe give me some advice or two. Others don’t say a word because their techniques are “top secret”. 

I’m not a handsome boy, but at least I fullfill the basics (on taking care, getting fit, etc). Despite that, I don’t have many opportunities to get a date or a “match”.

The problems comes when my brain tells me: “Ok, It’s time to flirt” and then I go blank. I understand the dynamics of push-pulls, but in practice, nothing comes out. I don’t know how I’ve to flirt, or be playful. If I compliment her looks, ends with me being “so polite”, If I try to being a little dirty, it ends on an awkward moment. 

And, I do not why, sometimes I start the “automatic comedy routine” so I end up in Friend Zone. On Tinder is a little bit more difficult, a bad move leads to ghosting (anecdotally, where I live, is full of people from around the world on vacations, so you need to be chill in various languages and having translated bios)

Help me Doc, I want to be smooth, I want to have fun making little dirty jokes with a girl and she responding on the same way. My objective is not to write this to complain, is to know how can I practice this and not staying blank. I’ve been putting a lot of effort in my dating life, and I know I can do more! But I want to be sure that these efforts are on the right track.

Thanks for your time.

Tongue Tied and Twisted

DEAR TONGUE TIED AND TWISTED: A couple thoughts, TTT. The first is that you need to separate the process from the outcome. Part of why you’re going blank is because you’re so caught up in the outcome. You see flirting as being the key to success, so you have put monumental importance on it. That, in turn, puts immense pressure on you to Not Mess It Up. So now you’re thinking about what to say, how to say it, what your date is going to say and now you’re all “daaaah how do words go?” It’s the Centipede’s Dilemma: you were doing great until someone asked you how you kept all those feet in synch and now you’re tripping all over yourself.

Think of how you talk with your friends, male, female and otherwise. You’re not so invested in the outcome, so it’s easy to just relax and let the banter flow. You’re in the moment, not constantly analyzing every single word and phrase coming out of your mouth for maximum impact. So it is with dating and flirting; the more that you can be in the moment and not thinking about how to maximize your flirting potential, the better you’ll do overall.

The next is that you need to find your flirting style. There’s more than one way to flirt. Some people do well using humor to flirt; they’re great at banter and wordplay. Others do well with more sexual flirting, able to make ribald or even overtly lascivious comments that women love. Still others are straightforward and complimentary. It’s all about finding what works for you and with your personality. Forcing a flirting style that isn’t in line with who you are is like trying to jam your feet into shoes that just don’t fit. You might be able to make it work, but it’s going to pinch and rub blisters and generally make you miserable in the long run. The more the way you flirt meshes with your personality, the more natural and authentic it feels and the easier it will come to you.

The third option is that you need more practice flirting. Flirting is a skill after all, and like all skills, it’s one that eventually becomes part of your muscle memory. Finding opportunities to flirt for fun and practice – as opposed to when it “counts” – gives you a chance to work on your flirting without feeling like you need to perform perfectly. If things go well, then hey, bonus! If they don’t and you trip over your tongue? Well, it doesn’t matter, because it’s just practice.

Just remember: regardless of your flirting style, flirting is supposed to be fun for everyone involved. Lean into the fun side of things, and you’ll do much better… and not freeze up as often.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going to start with a quick rundown of my dating history for context. I never bothered dating in high school, thinking that those sorts of relationships wouldn’t last and weren’t worth it. Once I got to college though, I…didn’t get much further. I saw relationships everywhere that looked miserable and seemed to end over very petty things. It was all very dramatic. I saw demanding women and inattentive selfish guys getting together constantly and I envied them. I kept thinking that if I had the chance, I would definitely be a better boyfriend and also would probably be wiser at choosing a girlfriend than some of these guys. Instead, regrettably, I became a Nice Guy; a strategy that as you can imagine, didn’t work at all.

When I eventually started dating during my first year of grad school, I decided that the best way to avoid getting trapped in the kind of miserable relationships I’d seen was to design a sort of committed friends with benefits model that in practice ended up with me getting sex and armchair psychotherapy and with her getting… to be quite honest, bad sex and not much else. I got my heart smashed 4 months into this bad experiment and yeah, I royally screwed this up because I didn’t even know what a relationship was much less how to hack them to avoid the problems I saw.

Still I was optimistic that I could do better. I’m 28 now and over the past years I’ve dated a bit in short bursts which never ended up developing into anything you could call a relationship. It just became really clear early on that these arrangements wouldn’t work out which I honestly didn’t take too hard.

The thing that has put new terror into me around the prospect of a serious long term relationship is something that happened to my best friend. He’s a trans guy which obviously comes with its own snags, but he is one of the strongest, most resilient, most emotionally intelligent people I know. He spent 3 years in what ended up being a very verbally abusive relationship with his girlfriend and spent the following 3 years depressed and trying to mend himself from the aftermath. He’s doing great now, but if I were unlucky enough to end up in that kind of situation, I think I would be a lot worse at handling it. I don’t think I would have the insight to see it for what it is or the boundaries to stand up for myself/leave the way he did. He did everything right and still had to piece himself together after. This terrifies me.

Relationships on the whole seem dangerous for me to get into at my skill level even though I’m kinda old. I really would like to be in a healthy committed relationship but I don’t have enough faith in myself or humanity to risk getting hurt or hurting someone else because I don’t know what I’m doing.

How do I gain the skills I need when the world is this scary?

Signed 

Courage the Cowardly Man

DEAR COURAGE THE COWARDLY MAN: I understand your fears, CCM. It’s understandable to be a little gun-shy after what you’ve gone through and what you’ve seen. But what you’re actually asking me for is a way to date without taking any risks whatsoever. And unfortunately, there’s no such beast. Dating is a full-contact sport. You take the precautions you can to make it safer (emotionally and physically), but at the end of the day, you’re making yourself vulnerable. That means you’re going to run the risk of getting hurt. Sometimes you’ll get hurt because of the mistakes you make, other times you’ll get hurt because there’re assholes out there and assholes are gonna ass. Still other times, you’re going to get hurt and it’s not going to be anybody’s fault; sometimes things just don’t work out and while it’s a damn shame, it’s just the way things are.

So if you want to date, you have to do so with the knowledge that you’re at risk. But, risk doesn’t mean guarantee of injury. Skiing, for example, is potentially dangerous, but I’ve been skiing for years and I’ve never injured more than my pride. My friends, on the other hand, have broken bones and twisted ligaments. And you take precautions to minimize the chance of injury or trauma. Developing and maintaining strong boundaries, for example help keep toxic partners away and help keep your relationships healthy. Being sure to avoid emotionally over-investing in people early on in the relationship helps keep you from getting hurt needlessly and getting comfortable the potential of rejection makes sure that you don’t get stuck in The Friend Zone or start becoming a Nice Guy.

But none of this helps if you don’t actually, y’know. Put yourself out there. You can read all the books, watch all the videos and listen to all the podcasts you want, but none of them are going to do the work for you. The only way to build up the skills you need is to actually put those skills to use. You’re gonna have to grind out some experience if you want to level up, CCM.

You have to confront your fears dude. Otherwise, they’ll only grow and take even more control of your life. Avoiding the things you’re afraid of just makes you more afraid of them until you are avoiding even the potential of feeling fear. The longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to face them and overcome them.

If you want to date, if you want to find a relationship, then you have to embrace that risk. You have to be comfortable with the possibility that things aren’t going to work out and you might get hurt. After all, every relationship ends eventually, until one doesn’t. But while pain may be somewhat inevitable, suffering is optional. Things may suck, but they won’t suck as bad as you think and not forever. You can get back up again..

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all, I would just like to say you are doing a tremendous service here. I’m in my early 40’s and frankly I really wish you would’ve been around when I was in high school. I get the basic premise of what your telling everyone – suck it up & be a ‘man’ while showing people of the opposite sex respect.

To keep this simple, I’m going to bullet point my story for you.

– Shy, awkward nerdy kid in high school that didn’t take any chances but was actually in the ‘cool group’ of people.

– When I was 19, my best friend whose friendship prevented me from committing suicide my junior year of high school died suddenly. Because of this I was messed up for a good 3 or 4 years and never really let anyone in.

– In my early 20’s I started dating – for the 1st time. After dates with only 5 women, I met a great girl, we hit it off, and within 6 months she moved in and a few months later she was wearing my ring. She was, and still is the only woman I was ever intimate with – heck, my only kiss.

– About 9 years after we were engaged – she said that she liked the relationship the way it was – the reason she didn’t want to be married was her dad was a jerk to her mom, and she never wanted to be “tied down that way”. I’ll admit, from a financial perspective I was a bit more conservative then she wanted to be – but I tried to work on that and give her the space she deserved. At that point, I decided that I loved her more than anything and if that’s what would make her happy then I would deal with it. I really wanted to be married to her though.

– It was around this point our sex life started to drop off dramatically. I made excuses to myself like ‘this is what happens to married couples’ and crap like that. Frankly I had put on some weight, was having some performance issue but I could tell she wasn’t enjoying it which frankly made me want it less. Since I didn’t yet know of your blog I didn’t know better to just open my mouth and talk to her about it like a man.

– So, fast forward to a few months ago when she suddenly dies of an unknown health issue. As I was getting into her e-mail and phone to get photos for her funeral service, just hours after she died I found out that she had been cheating on me for the past 5 years. Ironically starting exactly at the time she didn’t want to get married anymore. Her entire “second life” on Craigslist, work associates, random guys in hotels when she was traveling, etc. was documented. Six different e-mail accounts with well over 10,000 inbound and outbound messages. Thousands of text messages, naked photos of her, naked photos of other men. Graphic stuff about what they did to each other that I’m not sure I could ever do to a woman… but she never remotely asked for me to do anything like this with her. She never deleted her browsing history on Google – her porn habits were so appalling that I get sick just thinking about watching porn anymore. I stopped reading the messages when it got to over two dozen different guys she hooked up with.

My therapist considers it a textbook sex & porn addiction. It was about the secret for her – that’s what got her off. Pretty sure that I could have been endowed like a porn star and I couldn’t compete with that adrenaline rush she had from those encounters.

So it takes me to now. It’s been a few months, I’ve lost over 60 pounds (I have a goal of another 150) and I’m totally lost without her. Until I lose ½ that remaining weight I’m going to have a hard time finding anyone that will give me a shot. I get it – it may be shallow but I don’t want to date a slob that sits on the couch eating junk food either. I’m trying to find new hobbies and define ‘me’ but it’s really tough to meet new people in your 40’s. Literally everyone I know is married with kids, so it’s not nearly as easy to ‘get out’ on your own if you don’t want to sit at the end of a bar every night.

Yup you don’t need to tell me, all these things are excuses. I’m trying though, honest.

I know I’m not ready yet – but do I feel the desire to get back out there, just like any guy that broke up with his girlfriend or got divorced. I know I need to stop being the drinking buddy of Grimes and get my life together. How in the hell do I move on from this? Do I list my relationship status as ‘single’, ‘divorced’ or ‘widowed’ on my Match profile? Everyone has baggage, but how do you even bring this up – I know ‘handle thy own s

t’ – but some disclosure of this is probably necessary pretty early in a relationship – but when? My partner lived more in the last five years of her life and did more exciting things

– I will never cheat on someone (I had plenty of opportunities myself but never thought about it seriously) but how do I even “live” like she did? Should I try to pretend that I’m in my 20’s again before moving on? I’ve learned that life can be pretty damn short.

Sincerely, 

The Longest Story Writer Ever

DEAR LONGEST STORY WRITER EVER: I’m so sorry you went through all of this LSWE. Your relationship was hard enough without suddenly losing your wife (fiancee? your letter isn’t terribly clear about whether you actually got married)… and then discovering her secret life is like losing her a second time. Suddenly, you’re forced to reconsider literally everything about your marriage and what you knew about her. It’s like discovering that the person you thought you were with never even existed in the first place, and what does this say about you and your relationship. Was any of it real? Were there any signs? Were you just so blind?

The first thing to recognize is that this was never about you. This was all her damage, and would likely have happened whether she was with you, Brad Pitt or Studly Goodnight. You didn’t see the signs because you had no reason to; you had every reason to believe that she was being honest with you and acting in good faith when she said that she loved you or that she was happy. Could you have done things differently? Of course you could have; hindsight is 20/20 after all. But you were working with the information and the beliefs you had then; there’s no point in trying to relitigate the past with what you know now. The only thing you can do is try to heal and move forward.

But here’s the thing: there’s moving forward and then there’s forcing yourself out there when you’re not ready yet. My dude, you were with her for nearly a decade or longer. That’s not something you’re going to get over in a few months. Not after a sudden death and definitely not after everything you’ve just learned. The end of a long-term relationship always has a period of adjustment; you’ve built your life around being with that person and now they’re no longer there. In a very real way, it’s like you’ve lost a limb. Now you have to have to re-learn how to do everything again without them and that’s going to take time. You have to break the habits of years and get into a new and different groove. Trying to get back out there now isn’t just a mistake, it’s trying to run when you’re still working on crawling again. You’ll get there but right now you need to focus on you and your healing.

And that’s before we take your discovery into the equation. Even though this had nothing to do with you – again, this was all about her – it’s still going to take time to process this and recover from it. You’ve been hit with a serious one-two punch from a heavyweight, my dude. You don’t need to worry about what to do with your baggage in future relationships because you’re still trying to figure out what your baggage actually is. This isn’t baggage yet, this is still clothes and detritus spread all over what’s left of your life.

So stop worrying about how you’re going to disclose this to future partners; that’s for much later. Right now it’s just a distraction. Quit worrying about how you’re going to “live” like she did. You’re not in any competition. You don’t need to “match” her, nor is the way she conducted her sex life even right for you. You need to live in the way that’s right for you; if that means being a serial monogamist or being able to count the number of sexual partners you’ve had on the fingers of one hand then that’s what’s right for you.

You are still neck deep in the healing process. You are not anywhere near ready to date yet or to even think about it. What you need to do is focus on you right now. You’re in recovery and emotional rehab. You need to put all of your attention on your physical and emotional health and rebuilding your life.

The good news is that you’re doing everything right. You’re working out, you’re talking with a therapist and you’re processing the hell out of your feels. That’s good. You need to do that for a while. Once you’ve started to get back in good working order – not perfect shape but functional – then you’ll be in a much better place to know how to proceed. You’ll have a better grasp on what happened and what your story was and will be going forward. You’ll feel more comfortable in how to label yourself, in how much to share, when and with whom. That time is not now. But you’ll get there.

You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have long struggled to connect with others in a meaningful way. I do have plenty of friends and people who like me, but I’ve always longed for something else, and I never knew why. I am married, good job, etc, and I still have felt alone. I do indeed have issues with depression, but it’s more than that.

After a year of therapy, I finally realized, with the help of my doctor, that I’m on the very high functioning end of the autism spectrum, and everything makes sense now. I’ve always longed not to feel differently from everyone, I’ve become very anxious when emotionally overwhelmed, and I do a lot of the things that people say spectrum folks do, even down to the obsession with trains stereotype.

Anyway, not asking for help with depression really. And unlike many who write in, my life externally is fine.

The problem is that suddenly so much of my behavior makes sense and makes me upset when I think about it. (I should note, in 2018, I am not at all talking about abuse or anything of the sort, before speculation occurs.)

I spent so much time aping the people around me out of a desperate desire to be accepted. Everyone always told me not to care what others thought, but I always felt so alone that just not caring didn’t feel like an option. I know now that I did much of this because the utter inscrutability of subtle human emotions was just a genetic (or whatever) quirk rather than a character flaw like I always thought.

Because I always went to class, did my homework, did well on tests, no one ever really noticed I struggled internally, so no one, not even my family, picked up on it (or maybe my family has the same stuff going on so I seemed the same).I did a lot of little things that looking back made people uncomfortable (women, sure, but men too), like standing too close, talking a little too loud, not really being very good at the right level of eye contact. Whenever I was told I was annoying someone (which happened a lot), I was ashamed and apologized immediately. Eventually, I learned I can fake it. I do well in job interviews, and I’m actually a teacher (to adults), and a good one. I’m getting a terminal degree. I am loved

Yet I can’t stop thinking about how I spent decades thinking I was an annoying boy that a lot of people didn’t like because there was something wrong with me when I was just wired a little different and that that was okay.

I will continue to work this out in my sessions and my sessions will help me figure this out for the future. But how do I reframe my past, really my entire past since about second grade? With this new news, I think of it as a time when I could have known I was just a little different and come to terms with it but instead was teased and shunned by many, spent far too much time with people who didn’t treat me well because I wanted their acceptance, and have only just recently come to a point where I like myself.

I just sort of feel like I was robbed of the chance to grow up feeling happy. I’m not dead yet, I’ve got some decades left, but that’s a lot of time I wish I could get back. Any thoughts as to how I can reframe my past?

Wasted Years

DEAR WASTED YEARS: This is a topic that comes up a lot for folks, WY: you’ve had X many years where there was this important piece of the puzzle missing from your life. Now that you’ve found that missing piece, you’re looking back at your life and thinking “My God, look at all these missed opportunities! Look at these things I never got to do because I was missing this piece! Look at all these mysteries that now make sense! What I could’ve done if I’d just known this sooner!”

That missing piece is going to vary for everyone. For some people it’s a critical diagnosis of a chronic condition – they’re just now learning that they had a health issue that nobody recognized at first. For some, it’s a revelation: this relationship was toxic or abusive and it’s affected how they see themselves or interact with others. For still more people it’s learning how to socialize or meet people more effectively; now they’ve improved themselves, they’re finally able to date the way they always wanted to.

For me, one of my missing pieces was finally being diagnosed with depression. When I accepted that diagnosis – which took some time, because people still don’t always take mental health issues seriously – I was able to look back on so much my life with new eyes. Suddenly so much of how I lived, behaved and felt made sense. I’d pushed people away, isolated myself and limited myself because of a condition that I’d had. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t trying hard enough or that I didn’t have the mental fortitude to push through, it was that there was a neurological problem that needed medical intervention before I started getting things under control.

At first, it was liberating: Oh my God, for the first time in my life, I actually have self-worth! I don’t feel completely hopeless! The world isn’t just one giant gray haze that apparently only affects me. I can actually do things instead of wondering what the point of it was! But hard on the heels of that revelation was OH MY GOD, look at everything I missed out on because of this! Look at how many chances I had to do things, to meet people, to have friends, to have a life. I could have been happy. I could have enjoyed being alive.

And y’know, at first, I really resented it. I resented the fact that it took this long for me to get an answer as to why I was so different and why life sucked for me in ways that it didn’t seem to for other people. I resented the frustration of knowing that I was living a life of privilege and yet still felt like ten pounds of ass in a five pound bag. I was bitter about how long it took to get an answer, longer to get a treatment and even longer to get through it all.

So many wasted years. So many missed opportunities. So much wasted potential.

But here’s the thing: I can’t do anything about any of that. I don’t have a flux capacitor, I don’t have a TARDIS, a Time Turner or anything else. I can’t go back in time and change things, and even if I could… well, that would change who I am now, and I like who I am now. But what I can change is how I interpret my past. Yeah, it would have been great if I could’ve gotten this sorted out earlier, but you know what? I still got there. I got my missing piece. I got my answer. I got that x-factor that made so much of my life finally make sense to me. And in reframing it from “look at what I missed out on” to “hey, I finally got my answer”, I was able to find acceptance. Because I may not be able to change my past, but I can take that answer, that missing piece and change my present. I can change my future. 

That’s where you are now, WY. Yeah, there was a long, long time where you felt like an alien or an outsider. You had so much in your life that didn’t make sense and you didn’t know why. You felt like you were always doing something wrong, like you were just screwing up something that came so naturally to everyone else. But now you know: it was just this quirk of who you are. Nobody realized it, nobody knew about it but it was always there. And now that you know: it all makes sense. You know more about yourself than you did before. You understand yourself in ways you never could before. Like wizards of old, you have discovered it’s True Name and now you have power over it.

And it sucks that you can’t go and give yourself that knowledge when you were younger. But you have that answer now. That knowledge and understanding can scratch that itch of “why was I so different, why was everything so difficult.” It’s like getting the last bit of music that finally gets that song out of your head. And you’re able to take that knowledge and reshape your life now and in the future. You have the power to take control of things more fully and more completely and direct your life in the ways you want it to go. You may have missed chances to be happy when you were younger, but you can have it now.

Your past isn’t what you wish it could be. But your present and future can be. Reframe your past: you were working from incomplete information. Now you’ve got that information. You got that missing piece of the puzzle. And now you can move forward the way you always wish you could have.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First of all I’d like to thank you for the amazing job you do, it’s certainly helped me a great deal in the past. I used to struggle to make any meaningful friends (sorta kinda got through high-school and most of uni with a lot of acquaintances and one very good friend). Now though, thanks in no small part to you, people keep telling me they feel like they’ve known me for years when in fact it’s been weeks or months. I guess that’s a good thing – or it means I’m so catastrophically boring that time spent with me seem reeeeeeeeaaally long. I’ve convinced myself of the former, and I’m pretty happy with where I’m at, and constantly working to improve.

On to the question – I moved to a new city recently (from one side of the world to the other), and was facing the scariest thing anyone with nerd(ish) tendencies can face: rebuild a social life from scratch, without knowing a soul in the place you’re going to. I got lucky and am working with an astonishing group of people. It really feels like I am going to see friends every day I go to work. Even after almost a year, I can’t believe my luck. However, work is still work and I really wanted to build up something not connected to work. So I did the second most scariest thing that someone with my disposition can do: signed up for dance classes, and then forced myself to go.

The dance I chose was Swing, and I’m ever so glad that I did because it’s been amazing. The thing is, I signed up to meet people and make friends. I most certainly didn’t want to be the dude who hits on everyone at dance class. However, as it turns out there are quite a few amazing women in class and at workshops and at socials. And once you’ve gotten to the point of being able to ask them for a dance, talking to them really isn’t a big deal so dancing has been a huge help in that regard.

On one hand maybe one day I’d like to date someone I meet at a social, workshop, class etc. On the other, I still don’t want to be that guy… Rejection doesn’t bother me much beyond a slight twinge of disappointment, but I go dancing three or four times a week and I’d really rather not have every potential dance partner in the room go “oh great, wonder who he’s gonna hit on this time?” whenever I show up to the social. When I ask someone to dance, it’s because I’d like to dance and not because I have some ulterior motive. I worry a bit that if I get a reputation like that, it’ll make everyone who dances with me uncomfortable, and that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

So… advice? Is it socially acceptable to ask someone whom you’ve met dancing a few times and clicked with on a date? Or ist it a big no no?

Thanks for your help, and keep up the amazing work! 

To Date or Not to Date

DEAR TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE: First of all TDoNtD: congratulations on the work you’ve put in and the life you’ve built for yourself. That takes a lot of courage and dedication, and you should be proud of what you’ve achieved.

So let’s talk about how to meet women within your social circle without being a creep. Now the good news is that you’ve already taken the correct first step: you’re going to swing class to learn how to dance, not just to get laid. You’re meeting people, learning some interesting new skills and becoming a cooler, more social person in the process. That’s great… and that’s also what makes you different from someone who’s just there to try to bang his way through the attendance record.

See, the thing that people dread at events like these isn’t someone who joins the group and maybe asks somebody out if there happens to be some chemistry. They’re worried about the guy who treats swing class like a “target rich environment” and who’s going to hit on people relentlessly. The guy who’s been around and integrated himself into the scene, gotten to know the social “rules” of that particular group and generally merged in seamlessly is going to be seen differently than the guy who cruises around like a horny shark that tries to take a bite out of anyone who looks vaguely tasty.

Let’s say that you’re dancing with someone. They make you laugh, you think they’re pretty alright themselves and you two get along like a house on fire. You’re interested in seeing if maybe there’s a bit more there, so you ask them out on a date. Maybe they say yes and hey, awesome. Maybe they say no and you say “OK, no problem” and continue treating them like you had before. That’s not going to get you a reputation for hitting on people relentlessly.

But let’s say you’re there on your first day and you hit on someone you’re dancing with. They turn you down and now you’re trying your luck again with another person that same night. Or even the next night. Every time you show up, you’re asking somebody out for drinks, for dinner, for ten minutes of squishy noises in the back seat of your car. That is going to get you a reputation as someone who’s just there to get laid and you’ll run out of dance partners very quickly.

So relax, TDoNtD. You’re going about this the right way. If you’ve got chemistry with someone then feel free to ask them out and take any potential rejection with grace. Otherwise, just enjoy dancing and meeting people. Don’t treat it like a sex ATM and you’ll be fine.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)