DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I recently realized (well, “accepted” would be more accurate) that I qualify as someone who is a toxic friend. A couple of months ago, my friends pointed out I would not behave in the same way depending if I was with one of them alone or if I was with a larger group. At the time, I didn’t thought about it, the very idea that I may be an asshole to them didn’t even occur to me.

However, it finally hit me. See, when I’m with a large group, I start making “jokes” (and I mean very very stupid jokes) and passive-aggressive comments, mostly at the expense of one of my friends. These get to the point that…I don’t know how she can still agree to talk to me. Almost everything turns into a weapon I use. The only reason I say “almost” is because there is still a line that I didn’t cross with those “jokes”, and that I’m very afraid of crossing one day.

(There is also one last important information regarding our friendship; I do have a crush on her, which wasn’t the case when we met and started to hang out. Honestly, as I’m typing that, I don’t even know anymore if I can call myself a friend of her.)

I’m ashamed of this. I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to hurt those who are close to me, and I don’t want to drive them away. I don’t have any excuses. I mean, I think I know why I act like that in front of a large group (lack of social skills, stupidly high level of anxiety) but I’m fully aware that it’s wrong. I need to get rid of that behavior, otherwise, sooner or later, I will lose my friends.

So, I’m asking you: can you give me some advice on where to begin? Is apologizing to her a first step? How can I work on stopping to act like an asshole? Feel free to bring the Chair Leg of Truth, Doc. I need your help, I want to be able to be a good friend and if you think the best medicine is a harsh medicine, then don’t spare me.

Heel Face Turn

DEAR HEEL FACE TURN: t’s good that you’re recognizing what you’ve done wrong, HFT. Yeah, you’re kind of the cruel, toxic friend that people complain about, and that’s a problem. But before we get into how to fix it, let’s talk a little about just what’s going on here.

Part of why toxic friends are so damaging to us is because they’re people who we’ve let in. We’ve let ourselves be vulnerable around them, lowered our defenses and given them access to our deepest and most fragile selves. We trusted them with the sides of ourselves that could hurt us the most.

And they turn right around and use them for sh*ts and giggles. Every moment of trust, every moment of openness becomes ammo. Our secrets, our anxieties and our fears are now like refined plutonium in the hands of a criminal syndicate; we know they’re out there, we know who has them but we don’t know when or if they’ll use them. So now we live with the anxiety that our supposed “friend” is going to drop a dirty bomb of our intimate details for the lulz. And worse, we’re not “allowed” to be upset about it! If we complain about that toxic friend targeting us, making our existence the butt of their jokes, we’re told to “lighten up”. To “not take it so seriously”. To grow a thicker skin because it’s just pranks and jokes, yo. We get cast in the role of the funwrecker, the killjoy, the wittle snowfwake who can’t take some teasing. Now we have two choices: grin and bear it as we get roasted, or complain and get hit even harder.

It’s a lose/lose scenario and one that acts like sandpaper on the soul. It may not seem like much at any one time, but it grinds you down bit by bit.

This is what you’re doing to your friend. You have been sanding away at her self-esteem, her self-image, even her ability to relax and enjoy herself among her friends. When she wants to see her friends, she has to stay braced for every second that she’s there, wondering what you’re going to throw at her, how much it’s going to hurt and just how much her friends are either going to laugh at her or cringe with her.

And then there’s that last little bit about “the line you haven’t crossed… yet”. She knows that line is there. She knows that you know that line is there. And you and she both know that it’s just a matter of time until you say the words. This is what she lives with every. SINGLE. TIME. she’s out with her friends.

So y’know. Congratulations on not being as big of an assh

e as you could be? I guess?

Here’s the thing: the WHY you’re doing this crap isn’t as important as you KNOW this hurts her and you do it anyway. Is it because you’re trying to get the approval of your friends and the easy laugh and you’ve chosen the only target you know isn’t going to hit you back? Is it because you have a crush on her and instead of trying to handle it like a goddamn adult, you revert to this kindergarten “pull-her-pigtails” crap? Ultimately, your reasons for it don’t matter. Your intent isn’t magic, nor does it excuse the choice. And this is a choice that you make. It isn’t a neurological issue that forces you to say things that you don’t actually mean. You’re not under a psychological compulsion to insult her that you’re powerless to resist. Every single time you make those comments or make those jokes you are making a choice to hurt her.

And to be perfectly blunt, you’re not winning any points for asking for me to be harsh. This is the same performative self-flagellation bulls

t that guys pull all THE GODDAMN TIME. This isn’t “mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa”, it’s “look at how much I’m suffering, I’m punishing myself, I’m hurting myself because I suck so much”. It’s a performance of penance that isn’t to demonstrate how sorry you are but shifts the burden from you to the girl that you’ve been torturing with your jokey-jokes by doing it visibly and publicly. It carries the message of “you can’t e mad at me now, look at how much I’m suffering over this” that shifts the burden of the apology from you to her. Now there’s the social pressure for her to forgive you because look at how so very very sorry you are.

You already know what you need to do. You said so in your own letter. The fact that you haven’t apologized to her already – in private, demonstrating you understand why what you did is wrong and with the full understanding that she’s under no obligation to forgive you – is damning. So too is the fact that you haven’t chosen to stop. You’re waiting for me to provide your penance in hopes that you won’t suffer worse and more meaningful consequences from her.

You don’t need explanations as to why you’re doing this. You don’t need a 10 step recovery plan. You need to apologize to her. And you need to choose to stop.

The rest is up to her.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a situation that I don’t think I’ve seen discussed here and my friends don’t seem to know what I should do either.

Here are the base stats. I’m 31. I’ve had exactly one girlfriend who broke up with me after 3 months. Since then I’ve successfully hooked up twice and that is literally the full extent of my dating history.

I’ve been trying online dating for about 8 months with little success. The thing is, I had a vasectomy and have no intention of reversing it, I don’t want to get married and I don’t want to ever move in with anyone I’m dating. I don’t want kids and I also don’t like the idea of getting screwed over financially or having to constantly account for my whereabouts. I still want to have a long term relationship but most women my age don’t appear to be looking for the kind of setup I’d like. Just by selecting for women who don’t want kids narrows my online dating pool into the single digits for my area and most of their profiles don’t appeal to me. Women who are still open to shopping around so to speak seem to be much younger than I’m comfortable with.

Maybe I’m just not cut out for relationships and what I want just isn’t out there. I’d be fine with that if I could say for sure or at least have some idea of what my odds are.

Is trying to find this a fool’s errand or is there something else I can do to better find something suitable?

Sincerely 

Forever (Living) Alone

DEAR FOREVER (LIVING) ALONE: The number of women who are opting to not have children – not “can’t”, but “won’t” – is increasing, just as the birthrate in America is declining. So the odds of finding women who aren’t interested in procreating are fairly decent and improving on a monthly basis. That’s not going to be the issue you think it is.

You’re going to have a harder time, however, finding someone who’s up for the kind of relationship you want. While there are people out there who are ok with a long-term relationship that isn’t leading toward marriage and there are people who prefer relationships where they both maintain separate residences, trying to find all three is going to be a challenge. You have two choices: you can either relax your standards and be willing to be flexible and thus widen your pool of potential partners, or you can accept that what you want is going to severely limit the number of compatible matches.

Now that having been said, you might be able to thread this particular needle by looking for a long-distance relationship. By expanding your search parameters and looking further and further afield, you might be able to finesse the kind of relationship you want by dating someone in another city or state. This has the benefit of both expanding your dating pool and increasing the odds of dating someone who doesn’t expect you to move in. Living in a different city, after all, makes it hard to cohabitate. But even then, the odds are that you’ll still have to be flexible on what you want; a long-distance relationship with no end-point isn’t likely to be a long-term one.

But to be perfectly honest, even if you find that okapi1, I don’t think you’re going to be finding the non-connubial bliss you’re looking for. You seem to have a very odd, even Red-Pill-tinged idea about how relationships work. Most relationships aren’t like being on parole, where you have to check in with your PO regularly. In fact, the strongest relationships are the ones where both partners not only maintain their independence but also have active lives outside of each other. Someone who expects you to constantly check in with them is, as a general rule, someone you don’t want to be in a relationship with in the first place.

Nor, for that matter, are you destined to get “screwed over financially”. It makes for great MRA talking points and swear-y rants on Twitter and Reddit, but this is not only unlikely but also avoidable. Beyond not dating someone who’s looking for Mr. Goodbar – which is easier than it sounds, especially if you’re not rolling in dough yourself – you can protect yourself financially. Simple things like “not commingling assets” and even writing out a financial plan – think of it as a prenup, without the nup – help keep a clear line between between “your assets” and “their assets”. If you’re especially worried, talk to a lawyer and keep strict records of who pays for what out of which account, making sure that you don’t cross the streams.

But a better option would be to talk with someone about these beliefs and anxieties. I’m not sure what you’re basing these negative expectations on, but it sure as hell isn’t an extensive dating history. The less you’re constantly on the defensive against some Reddit boogieman and more able to engage with women on an individual level, the better able you’ll be to find someone who may check all the boxes on your particular list of must-haves. If you even decide to keep them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a college student who semi-recently ended the only relationship I have ever been in. After taking a few months to recover, I have gotten over my old relationship, which started in high school. Recently, now that I am single, I am getting a lot of attention from guys, both from ones that I am attracted to and not attracted to. I have ended up in a predicament in which I feel like I have at least three guys (but generally more) contacting me any given day. The guys can generally be categorized as:

1. Guy I had no initial attraction to, but due to not wanting to be seen as shallow, have wanted to reciprocate in case they are actually really cool dudes who are actually my soulmates who would grow on me in time (my ex boyfriend I was not initially very attracted to but after dating him for a while I fell for him) 

2. Guy I am not attracted to and have been trying to kindly reject but are generally not getting the hint 

3. Guy I am attracted to and he is attracted to me

The second category of guys is the largest for me. Most of these guys I have assumed were interested in a friendship, and only later I have realized they wanted to talk to me because they were attracted to me. The problem is, they are really nice guys and my attempts at telling them that I only see them as friends can go over their heads, no matter how explicit I think I’m being.

The first category I unfortunately lead on for the early stages of my post-breakup life. I assumed men I was attracted to would not ever feel the same way about me and that it would be shallow to not give people a chance based on first impressions. I don’t know how to reject someone after giving them a chance, so it stresses me out whenever I receive a message from or talk to a guy from this category.

The third category of guys stresses me out a lot because of two reasons:

1. I think they are only looking to hook up or they actually are only looking to hook up 

2. I think they lose interest or they actually lose interest

I am anxious to go out with guys I am attracted to because I think they are just going to try to sleep with me instead of get to know me more (because they often are). When it comes to actually hanging out with these guys, I generally procrastinate doing so because situations like that make me uncomfortable. If I do actually get up the courage to meet these men, they either lose interest or I think they lose interest and I decide to instead meet some new attractive men to date. Sometimes, however, the guy who I thought lost interest actually didn’t and later contacts me but I already have a guy who I also like too.

My phone keeps blowing up from way too many messages every day, and all I want is to have one guy who I like message me and show me interest and that he actually want to get to know me before giving me a tour of his bedroom. How do I get myself out of this mess I’ve made myself?

Too Much of A Weird Thing

DEAR TOO MUCH OF A WEIRD THING: Right let’s roll this from the top.

First things first, TMAWT: it’s good that you give guys who may not necessarily your cup of tea a shot, but you’re not obligated to date dudes who don’t do it for you, just in case. It’s one thing to be willing to take a chance on a guy; it’s another to date them out of a sense of obligation towards an ideal. You aren’t required to date anyone you don’t feel attracted to and you’re especially not obligated to do so just to prove you’re not shallow. Nor, for that matter, does somebody else’s interest in you mean that you have to at least hear them out or go on a date with them. This does you no favors and is actually worse for them when you realize that there isn’t any spark and there never will be.

If you’re going to turn someone down, then the best thing to do is make it as quick and clean as possible. It’s like pulling off a bandage; it’s going to hurt either way, but doing it slowly is going to just prolong things. A quick, sharp pull may hurt, but it’s hurt that’s over quickly. The kindest thing you can do is say “Thank you, but I’m just not interested,” instead of going on a date with them. And if you do go on a date with them, then a simple, “thank you for a lovely time, but this just isn’t going to work for me. Best of luck to you.” is more than sufficient.

Now for your second category of men: unfortunately, you can’t control how other behave… no matter how much you may want to. If someone’s especially determined to be a Nice Guy, there’s not really anything you can do to dissuade them from that. What you can do, however, is maintain some strong boundaries and not give them access to your life. The fact that they have a crush on you doesn’t obligate you to let them be part of your social circle or even give them the time of day. You can cut them out of your life entirely or let them know that you aren’t going to entertain any relationship-y behavior from them; you aren’t interested in their presents, their offers of “help” with convenient strings or even to spend time with them alone. You have the absolute right to decide who you do and don’t spend your time with. If they won’t accept “I’m not interested in you and I never will be,” then you are free to tell them that you’re not interested in seeing them, ever. 

Again, this is the sort of thing that’s best done quickly; the longer you hesitate, the more they will try to insinuate themselves into your life like an especially pernicious virus.

Now your third category is slightly trickier. You have two issues here: your willingness to believe that people you’re into are into you and filtering out the guys who’re just interested in banging. Now, one would think that sheer bloody experience would help with the former. That having been said, I can tell you from experience that it can be difficult to accept that other people are attracted to you. Some self-images are incredibly difficult to shake, regardless of the evidence at hand. At the end of the day, sometimes you have to make the conscious choice to take “yes” for an answer, even if there are parts of your jerk-brain whispering that this can’t possibly be real.

Trying to filter out the ones who are just there for some “wham, bam, thank-you ma’am” is harder. On the one hand, if you’re up for some casual action and it seems like he’d actually be good in bed… well, hey, rock the righteous hell on. But if you’re looking for something more committed… well, that’s where things get slightly trickier. I know some people swear by the proverbial three-date rule, but there’re plenty of cads out there who see three dates as a sufficient investment to hook up with someone.

However, this is an area where boundaries help ward off asshats and opportunists, as much as it chases away Nice Guys. You can let someone know up front that you’re looking for something more committed and you take things slowly as you build trust and intimacy; that’s often enough to wave off  the majority of the casual-sex seekers. Someone who’s only looking for a quick lay isn’t going to want to invest a lot of time and effort; they want something fast and easy. And the nice thing about this is that you aren’t committed to a specific timeframe. If a guy has demonstrated to your satisfaction that he’s a genuinely good guy who’s looking for an actual relationship by the second date… well, there’s no reason why you can’t give him a guided tour of your room.

But to get that far, you have to be willing to give them a chance in the first place. And while it’s understandable that the ambiguity and jerkbrain whispers make you uncomfortable, there really is no reward in dating without risk. If you’re into somebody and you think he maybe into you, then you don’t do yourself any favors by putting things off until it’s too late. You don’t have to jump in head first – whether into bed or into a relationship – but you don’t lose anything except a Friday night by testing the waters.

As for what to do about all those messages blowing up your phone? You have a few options. The first is to set up filters, mutes and blocks; they can keep texting you to their heart’s content but that doesn’t mean you have to see ’em, nevermind respond to them.  Or you could start using a secondary phone number, such as a Google Voice account, for guys who you don’t feel safe giving your primary number to.

But your best option by far is to work on those boundaries I mentioned. Not only will this help keep dudes from getting your number in the first place, but it’ll make it easier for you to tell them “Thank you but I’m not interested, please quit texting me.”

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a bit of an ethical dilemma:

A few months ago I met someone online and we clicked. After a few dates she said she wasn’t looking for anything beyond that point as she’d been through some pretty choppy relationship seas before then and I really appreciated her honesty and directness in a world where the slow-fade and ghosting is a thing, my anxious brain appreciates that kind of candor. We both agreed that hanging out was fun and agreed to remain friends and have hung out for coffee and a chat a few times, and it’s been good. I appreciate her friendship.

I now suspect that a few months on she might be considering me differently. I don’t really have any hard evidence of that, just a feeling (my flirting radar doesn’t really work). I’m not one for circling back historically, but I probably would have been open to giving it another go had I been asked and had I not very recently met someone and started seeing them. It’s very, very new and who knows if it will even be a consideration by the time you read this, although I’d like it to be.

I’m not sure if or when I need to tell the first person that I’m seeing someone now. I think we’ve all been in that situation where we were too slow with a crush and see them holding hands with someone and feel our stomachs drop to the floor, so I don’t want to inflict that on anyone, but neither do I want to awkwardly and arrogantly assume she’s feeling something for me that simply isn’t there. This could also be a non-problem – she could be seeing someone for all I know, and I’d be really happy for her, but relationships have never really been in our topics of conversation.

Is there a conversation to be had here?

Cheers

Paragon or Renegade?

DEAR PARAGON OR RENEGADE: You’re making this more complicated than you need to, PoR. You aren’t dating, you don’t have any commitment to one another or the expectation of anything approaching exclusivity. More to the point, you also don’t actually know that she’s got feelings for you. This is all pure speculation on your part. And then on top of that, you admit that your social radar isn’t the greatest.

So I suspect a lot of this is your reading into things that aren’t strictly there. Which hey, we’ve all been there and done that. It’s a sort of wishful thinking; even if we’re not actively hoping to start a relationship with a person, there’s something validating about knowing they’re into us. Just because you’re not going to the party doesn’t mean that it’s not nice to be invited, after all.

As it is though, not only do you not have an obligation to tell her that you’re dating, but you’re so early in the process that it’s a bit presumptive to say anything at all.

My advice? Leave things well enough alone. If you and your new squeeze last long enough that you reach a point that you’re introducing her to your friends, then you can let your buddy know.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question regarding the manners (and safety) of when to end a date when you met the person online. I’m a woman in my late 20s, and I’ve had enough experience with online dating to be relatively savvy with it. I typically find it a fun way to meet new people and go on some fun dates. I feel comfortable navigating most situations, except for this: when I want to end the date before it’s over.

I’ve experienced this scenario in two categories: one, when I’m simply not attracted to the person and don’t want to waste anyone’s time, and two, when I feel uncomfortable. It’s this second version I need the most help with. I have not figured out how to end the date early without relying on a transparent lie (I have other plans, a family member or friend needs help, I have to go study, etc.) or just sticking it out and then driving home shuddering. The issue with lying is that sometimes they try to convince me to put off whatever I say I need to do, or they push really hard for an answer about when we will be hanging out again.

My biggest concern comes from my knowledge of what certain men do to women when those women reject them. From news stories about women getting stalked and killed to my own and my friends’ experiences, it’s genuinely threatening and alarming. I’ve had guys eavesdrop on my conversations and then follow me and my friends to bars, had them demand an explanation into why my boundaries are what they are, had them stick their hands (and mine) into places they had no business being, had strangers insist on buying me drinks I don’t want and then get aggressive when I refuse the drink, and on and on. Men have also yelled at me and my friends via online dating apps when we wouldn’t share our phone numbers or meet up after a few lines of chatting.

My strategy for meeting with someone new is to go for a chat over coffee in the afternoon at a busy coffee shop, so I’m doing my best to minimize any possibility that I’m in an uncomfortable situation. I’m also trying to prevent us wasting our time if we aren’t attracted to each other. The fact remains, some people just make me uncomfortable for various reasons, like the men who can’t stop talking about sex or the guys who repeatedly push physical boundaries. Unfortunately, it’s not easy figuring out what someone will be like in real life when you meet them online. Honestly, I’m often afraid to bring attention to the problem because the outcome feels like a game of Russian Roulette. Will they respectfully back off? Will they keep pushing harder? Will I start getting yelled at, insulted, or gaslighted? Will something worse happen?

I’m happy to say this scenario doesn’t happen to me often. Usually, even if I’m not romantically interested in someone I meet online, I have a fun time hanging out with someone who has mutual interests. The majority of guys I meet are not creepy boundary pushers who make me want to run away home. But I want to be able to get out of a date without being afraid of the consequences. Even when I simply don’t see a friendship or a relationship coming out of a meeting, I’m still a little wary to cut it short and leave because of the reasons I already stated. If continuing to lie is the best option, that’s fine. I’m a Slytherin, I can handle that. If there’s another more effective way, though, I would love to hear it.

Thanks for listening.

-Afraid of the End

DEAR AFRAID OF THE END: Let’s start with the obvious: your worries are legitimate and real. Women who date men do face risks when it comes to dating that men don’t. A casual Google search will bring up literally dozens of stories of women who’ve been harassed, assaulted or even murdered for rejecting men. And while yes, not all men are like that, just about every woman has either experienced this first-hand or has someone in their immediate lives who has.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about how to handle situations where either you aren’t feeling it or where you feel that you need to leave. Because these are two different situations that require different strategies.

The first thing I would say is that you’re already doing something I would advise: you’re going on a pre-date date. That is, you’re going on a short date in a public place to do your due diligence and see if it’s worth both of your time to go on a proper date. If you’ve got chemistry and they seem like someone worth seeing again then hey, you have something to look forward to. If not… well, the worst that’s happened is that you’re out fifteen to thirty minutes and the price of a cup of coffee.

Another possible option, especially if your schedules don’t allow for an afternoon meet-up is to borrow a page from the PUA manual and establish what’s known as a “false time constraint”.  That is: you meet up for a drink (singular) but you can’t stay because you have an engagement later that evening that you’re already committed to – a friend’s birthday, dinner with the family, something where it wouldn’t be appropriate to bring along a relative stranger. This way, if things aren’t going well, then you have your socially acceptable out: you have another commitment, such a shame, etc. Once again, you’re only out a small amount of time and the cost of a drink without the expectation (or pressure) of staying for longer than you would actually want to. And if things are going well, then you have the option of sticking around – wouldn’t you know it, your friends cancelled, Dad’s got the ick, whatever.

(Now, whether it’s better to stick to that false time constraint or not is an argument for another time. On the one hand: if you trust your instincts, then you don’t need to end the date right then. On the other, one of the measures of a man is how he handles disappointment.)

But let’s say that you’re dealing with a situation where you feel profoundly uncomfortable. That’s one where one’s choices will depend on just what’s making you uncomfortable. Is it someone being boorish – the guy who won’t stop turning every conversation to sex, for example – or someone who’s indicating that they don’t like being told “no” or that boundaries are something that happen to other people?

If it’s the former and you don’t feel comfortable calling him on his crap, then this is a time when that false time constraint comes in handy: oh hey, would you look at that, gotta go and don’t think it hasn’t been a little slice of heaven.

‘cuz it hasn’t.

The latter requires a little more nuance and depends a lot on how safe you feel. Do you feel that you can make it to the end of the date and leave, never to talk to him again? Or do you feel that it would be safer for you to leave now? If you feel that you need to go right the hell now – and that is totally within your rights – then do so. Make up an excuse, even if it’s just that you need to use the bathroom, then go. Disappear so fast that you leave a human-shaped cloud in your wake. If you’re feeling especially guilty, Venmo him the cost of your drinks/meal/ticket and call it the Escape The Asshat tax.

(Side note: despite the virality of the story, there really isn’t any evidence that things like “ordering an Angel Shot” is a reliable way to leave a bad or dangerous date. Better to drive yourself to the venue or have a taxi or ride-share app ready to go if you need to make a swift exit.)

Keep in mind: you don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you aren’t interested in another date. You aren’t obligated to give them a reason or even a response, especially if they’ve set off your Spidey-sense. It’s nice to say “thanks but this isn’t working for me, good luck in your search”, but it’s not required. Whether they actively creeped you out or you just weren’t into them, all that they need to know is that you don’t want to see them again.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: One of my goals right now is to work on my physical fitness; I’m not super unfit, but I’m on the skinny side with a bit of belly fat developed from sitting at a work desk so much, and I’d like to get to a point where I’m maintaining good physical health and decent looks (some muscle tone, etc). My goal isn’t to become a bodybuilder or get ripped or anything that extreme.

The issue is… whenever I engage in weightlifting or running or any other really strenuous physical activity, I end up feeling tired and nauseous for a while (a couple of hours) right after, and often sore for days. This isn’t necessarily an issue on its own, but I’m a college student with a more-than-full course load and part-time work, and I can’t afford the hit to my productivity from these side-effects. I’m already struggling just to get a decent night’s sleep as-is.

I would really appreciate it if you could direct me to some resources on how I can maintain a good fitness level without giving my body such a beating that it seriously hampers my productivity. As I said, I don’t want to get ripped, just be healthy and look decent.

98 Pound Weakling

DEAR 98 POUND WEAKLING: Something tells me you’re biting off more than you can chew, NPW. Some soreness the next day is to be expected; you’re using muscles in ways that they’re unused to, which means that you’re going to be feeling the effects later. As you work out and improve your fitness, you’ll find the soreness eases until you start pushing yourself again. But if you’re working out to the point where you want to puke… well, that’s a reliable indicator you’re doing it wrong. Despite all the maxims like “no pain, no gain”, you aren’t supposed to work out to to the point of incapacitating yourself. Pain isn’t weakness leaving the body, pain is your body’s way of telling you something’s wrong.

I suspect what’s going on is that you’re trying to go from zero to balls-to-the-wall, which is a mistake. Even if you aren’t leaving yourself exhausted and ready to puke, trying to give 110% right off the bat is a recipe for burnout and ditching your newfound exercise regimen in a couple of weeks… and that’s not taking the potential for injury into account. You need to build your your basic fitness and endurance, not just leap off your couch and try to run a marathon or bench 250 pounds.

Now depending on what you’re trying to do, you have options. If you just want to up your cardio, you might try a program like Couch to 5k or get an app like Zombies, Run, which has a training mode to help get you in shape as Runner 5. Sites like NerdFitness can also help you develop a program that’ll let you get fit without killing yourself in the process. You can even find a plethora of free workouts on YouTube that you can do in your apartment, ranging from body-weight exercises to jump rope routines.

If you’re looking to lift weights, put on some muscle and get toned… well, I strongly suggest you get at least a couple of sessions with a personal trainer first. A lot of folks who just dive into weight lifting often have lousy form, which can lead to muscle sprains, tears and worse. These’ll put you out of commission faster (and longer) than some soreness that you can treat with Gatorade and a couple Advil. A trainer can teach you the basics on how to lift properly, as well as help you craft a workout plan that will let you reach your goals quickly and efficiently.

And don’t underestimate the benefits of simply going for walks. Just going out and walking for a while is a viable form of exercise, and one that’s a lot easier to fit into your schedule than multiple hours in the gym every day. No it’s not going to turn you into a sculpted Adonis, but it’ll  improve your cardiovascular fitness and overall health.

One thing to keep in mind: fitness is going to look different to different people. Being fit and in shape doesn’t mean that you’re going to be built like a Greek statue. Your physical shape is going to be affected by things like your overall build and genetics; some folks aren’t going to have Thor-perfect superhero abs, no matter how much they work out and diet. Focus on overall health and wellbeing over “looks like a Men’s Health cover model” and you’ll do better than trying to force yourself into a next-to-impossible lifestyle.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)