DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem that I think is unfortunately pretty normal, but I’m not entirely sure how to find resources to counter it that don’t simultaneously demonize it. I have a really hard time not looking at porn when I’m alone.

I know your stance on porn addiction, and I’m inclined to agree with it. I don’t mean that looking at porn, in and of itself, is the problem. I’m a healthy, red blooded dude, I’m not asexual, porn is going to happen. And this isn’t yet to the point where I think most folks would say it’s affecting my life, because it hasn’t yet started affecting my job. I’ve never looked at porn at the office or in a public place. From what I’ve read, that’s one of the main markers of addiction.

Thing is, I would argue that it is affecting my life, and has been for almost as long as I’ve had access to it- it’s just that I’m either so good at hiding it that nobody realizes, or people have noticed something is wrong but haven’t said anything out of propriety. I’m consistently late for things, my sleep schedule isn’t regular, and I haven’t been on a date in years. I’ve also never had penetrative sex, because I haven’t been able to get it up when with a woman.

It’s hard to know where to start with all of this, because it’s been a part of my life for so long I can barely imagine what things were like without it. I was touching myself I think as young as eight without really knowing what I was doing, and I was looking at porn in the days of dialup before my parents cottoned on to what the internet meant for me. I’ve had a very strong libido my whole life, and I found porn before I figured out how to talk to girls. It was just always so much easier.

I’m not saying I’ve been a complete martyr to this- I’ve assembled some accomplishments I’m proud of, in spite of it. I have a good job, and I’ve had some mild creative success nationally that I won’t go into specifics about (for obvious reasons.) I’ve led an active lifestyle and participated in a few sport events that have kept me healthy. I’m very fortunate, and I’m making an okay life for myself.

But this shadow hangs over everything, and it feels like it’s holding me back. There have been times when I haven’t had access to porn for brief periods, and I felt like I transformed into this better version of myself. For a few weeks in college my laptop stopped being able to access the internet, leaving me no access to fresh whacking material. Suddenly, when masturbation became this thing that just had to be accomplished to clear my head, instead of a pastime involving the inspection and collation of entire corners of the internet, I was twice as productive, and much more likely to go out and speak to people. I felt more engaged, and my schoolwork improved dramatically. I was still beating off, but it became something to finish, not to extend.

Fast forward to now. I’m living on my own. I don’t have roommates or family to keep me away from the internet, or to provide the social pressure to at least appear like I’m not addicted (or your word of choice) in my own home. I’m on my computer all the time- I have work I do at home that requires a screen and internet access. Porn is right there, just a click away.

Gradually, as I’ve lived on my own, it’s started to get worse. Now, for the first time, I’ve paid for porn, instead of just looking at clips or snapshots. Not that paying people for their work is a bad thing! It’s the way I’m doing it that bothers me. I’m dropping upwards of two hundred dollars in an evening without thinking about it or considering how it affects my finances. It’s only been a few times over the last year, and so far it hasn’t been anything other than a cautionary tale in the light of day, but it is a dangerous precedent and I’m worried about losing control over it.

Over the years I’ve tried a lot of the things that I’ve seen suggested- I’ve used blocking programs to make myself think twice. I’ve deleted all my bookmarks and reset my browser history. I’ve sworn off masturbation altogether. I’ve tried just rubbing one out without porn. I’ve attempted all of these more than once over decades, and none of them last more than two weeks at the outside, usually less than three days. The other standard suggestions- eating healthy, exercising, finding hobbies- are all things I already do. I live on salad, avocado, and light fish, I exercise for 45 minutes to an hour every day of the week, I have a hobby that takes up most of my free time that doesn’t go to porn. The standard stuff is not working for me.

It’s not that I lack willpower. The other stuff I’ve done shows me that I can make myself do a lot of things. It’s keeping myself from doing something that’s proving the challenge. At this point, I don’t think I can do this on my own. I need help.

I just don’t know where to look. How do you ask for recommendations for sex therapists dealing with this sort of thing? I can’t go out and ask my friends or family what’s worked for them- none of them know this is something I’m dealing with. I’ve been in therapy before but it was for completely different stuff, and the organization that was providing it was faith based. There’s google, but I don’t know what resources to trust or how to judge them, and I’m worried they’re just going to give me more of the same advice I’ve already found for myself, or it’s going to be some black and white, moralistic, porn-is-evil stuff. I don’t think porn is evil, I don’t think beating off is evil, I don’t think my urges are anything unnatural or wrong. I just want to be able to exercise some self control once in a while. Have some power to determine how I use my free time. Maybe dial it back a bit so I can start actually seeing, and getting turned on by, a real woman, with real sex.

Whaddaya think, doc? Got anything for me?

Thanks a ton,

Whackadoodle

DEAR WHACKADOODLE: Here’s the thing about porn and porn-addiction, Whackadoodle: it’s almost never about the porn. Any behavior can be compulsive, from masturbation to video games to exercise. However, when a behavior becomes a compulsion, it’s usually a form of self-medicating.

So dealing with your issue really requires a two-pronged approach.

The first step is to address the symptoms – namely how often you’re watching porn and cranking one (or two or three) out. And as you’ve said: quitting porn is easy, you’ve done it a dozen times now! However, the issue isn’t one of having enough willpower – or at least not willpower alone. Willpower is like a muscle; you can only use it so much before it becomes exhausted and won’t do what you want. If you’re spending all day trying to resist watching Lexi Belle getting spanked like the naughty thing she is, you’re going to wear your willpower out before you know it and be cruising PornHub before your belt hits the floor. There’s a secret to maxing out your willpower efficiently. Fortunately, you know that secret already…

You have to make it less convenient to watch porn.

Our brains are lazy. We will almost instinctively pick whatever requires less energy to get the reward we want. The more steps we have between us and our goal, the less likely we are to choose it. Part of how we can force ourselves to eat better, for example, is to make it more inconvenient – not impossible, just annoying – to eat junk food. If it takes four steps to grab a bag of chips – go to the kitchen, go to the cabinet, dig to the back of the cabinet, open the chips – and only two to grab a banana, you’re much more likely to get the banana. Far less willpower needed and thus you’re better able to resist the urge for fried goodness.

The same principle applies to porn. The times it was easiest for you to not watch porn was because it was too damn inconvenient to do so. You had to wait for privacy, you had to rush in case someone came home, etc. Now that you have all the freedom and privacy in the world, the world is your sticky oyster. If you want to resist the siren call of RedTube, you have to reintroduce those inconveniences that add annoying steps between you and the five-finger shuffle. This may mean getting rid of the wifi in your place and leaving the router in the middle of the living room… where you’ve taken down your curtains. Now if you want to yank your crank, you’re going to have to do it in full view of the neighbors. Hell, if it’s bad enough, you may want to consider cutting off your Internet access entirely. Yeah, odds are that you, like most of the world, have a phone capable of being a wifi hotspot but if you have to use your phone’s data plan for everything? You’re going to think twice about whether you want to spend those precious gigabits on Brazzers when it may also mean not being able to run Spotify.

Similarly, adding speed-bumps to getting to your various porn sites will slow things down – having to enter your password every time your computer goes to the screensaver, another complicated password to get to certain sites via browser extensions – and make it easier to say “You know what? No.”

Similarly, you will also want to put some steps between your credit card and paying a camgirl. Removing your card’s details from your browser, keeping your wallet in separate room from your computer and having to get up and get it if you want to enter your details will also make it more inconvenient. You may even want to get a pre-paid card with a hard limit to keep you from overspending.

Remember: you don’t need to make it impossible, you just have to make it more annoying. Those extra steps aren’t to stop you, it’s to simply give you the opportunity to exercise your willpower more efficiently.

But all that by itself isn’t going to keep you from reaching for the mouse and some lube in the long run. You need to address the issue at the source. You’ve been using porn as a substitute for intimacy. Remember what I said about our brains being lazy? How we pick the path of least resistance to our goal? That’s what you’re doing with your junk. Why spend time getting to know people and form a connection and risk rejection when you can just click a button and there’s Bonnie Rotten, waiting to do whatever it is you want? Small wonder you have erectile dysfunction issues with women in the flesh. Now that you’re with an actual person, you’re risking judgement and vulnerability and that can be scary. Larkin Love never judges you or questions your ability to please her the way a woman may in person.

This is why the answer isn’t just giving up porn or masturbating or what-have-you. All that’s going to do is give you a temporary respite from a habit that you’ll go right back to. You’re going to have to do is start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable and pushing through that awkwardness towards vulnerability with others. That means while you’re on your enforced delayed reaction to porn, you need to be out of your apartment. You’re going to have to be out in the world, talking to women and working on those social skills. Your goal isn’t going to be to get laid – that’ll come in time – it’s to become comfortable with intimacy. You don’t need to aim for getting your peen hard with a woman, you just have to be at ease with her. Get used to being willing to open up and just be and not fear her judgement. If sex becomes a possibility… take your penis off the table as it were. Your junk may go limp, but your hands and tongue don’t so spend your time getting really good at foreplay. Trust me: women will forgive a floppy salami for a dude who’s a master of oral.

And don’t forget: going to a professional is always a good idea – a therapist, that is. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists can help you find a sex-positive professional in your area who can help you work on your compulsion issue and get to the core of why you can’t quit porn.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I would like to get the opinion of a reasonable and mature adult male on a topic that often seems to be sensationalized: female body hair. I am a heterosexual female, and have been considering letting my body hair grow. I wouldn’t really consider myself any kind of extremist. I am liberal and a feminist, but I don’t walk around wearing flower crowns and Jesus sandals without a bra on while spray painting vaginas on all the empty brick walls of the headquarters of the patriarchy. 

Honestly, I am, first and foremost, pretty goddamn busy. I’m in my last years of medical school, studying for board exams and working long hours on core rotations, so I already skip shaving pretty often just because I’m tired. But when I finally catch up on it, and spend upwards of 10-15 extra minutes in the shower, I find myself thinking about what a blatant double-standard it is (not that those are rare or this one is any more important that the others, but this one just applies to me at the moment and so it is the one I’ve chosen to allot my outrage toward).

Men shave their faces, yes. But when men decide to not shave their faces, they are not regarded as “gross” or “unclean” or “making a statement” and are not gawked at by passers by. Face shaving is not the analog to the body shaving that women do though, because men have exactly the same hair in exactly the same places as the hair that women shave off, and are allowed to keep it while still being seen as normal, hygienic, and not controversial (pubic hair is maybe a bit more of a gray area for both sexes, so for the sake of keeping this on topic, I would like to focus on legs and pits).

So, I would like to stop shaving my legs and underarms. The goal being to save time and to normalize female body hair. I am not trying to make some extreme feminist statement. I will continue to shower often and wear make up. I will not burn my bras or write a misandrist manifesto.

But I would be lying if I said I was not afraid of feeling less feminine or less sexy. Objectively, I would place myself in the category of “conventionally attractive,” and I am often complimented on my looks. But I have long been aware of the fact that I am more reliant on the approval of men to maintain my self confidence than I would like to admit. That is likely another reason for my consideration: to prove to myself that I don’t need to conform to the preferences of men to feel confident.

So Dr. NerdLove, what do you think? Is this a reasonable choice, or am I just inviting criticism and insult for not sticking with the status quo? Do you think I’ll really save time, or end up wasting time elsewhere having to explain to everyone why I made this ~oh so controversial~ choice?

Appreciatively, 

Would-be-Wooly Wilma

DEAR WOULD-BE-WOOLY-WILMA: Fun fact, WbWW: body hair is as much about fashion as it is about anything else. In Imperial Rome, women would have themselves plucked bare all over. In other cultures, hair is just something people have (or don’t) and that’s that. In the US, being less hirsute is currently the fashion across genders. It didn’t used to be, mind you; Pre-World War I, women weren’t concerned with their legs and pits until Gillette decided they needed to sell more razors. One massive marketing campaign later and voila: being hairless is a part of being coded as female or feminine and we treat it as if it’s always been thus.

And while you may not be meaning to, not shaving is making a statement about gender roles and femininity. This doesn’t make it good or bad, it’s just something that’s going to be true. People are going to have opinions, possibly very strong ones about it. Some people will think it’s no big deal. Others will be repulsed because we’ve been acculturated to see body hair on women as disgusting. Still others will behave as though you’re not shaving at them because men have been taught to see women’s aesthetics as something done for them. Assholes are going to ass and that’s going to a factor if you decide to stop shaving.

But there are also going to be people who’ll be fine with it or think it’s awesome. They may be in different communities than you currently hang out in, but they are out there and it could well be worth your time to seek them out.

(Of course, most people won’t even notice unless you tell them. If you don’t want your body hair to be a matter of public knowledge, it’s easy enough to keep it on the down-low to folks who don’t get to have an opinion on the matter.)

What you don’t need to think about is what I think. My opinion on this means sweet-f

k-all. You do you, WbWW. If you feel like taking some time off your grooming routine, go for it and see how you feel. If you love it, great! If not, that’s cool too.

Worst case scenario? It’s hair; you can shave it off again if you don’t like it.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a geeky girl in college, a gamer, very socially active, and generally a direct person.  I’ve been asked out a few times at parties and I’d like to switch things up by asking (other geeky) guys out myself, but… there’s always a but.

What’s holding me back is, well, sex.  Or more like expectations about sex.  The impression I’ve generally gotten is that the older my peers are, the less time they wait before having sex.  I’d like to date and get to know some guys, but I’m not interested in hooking up or doing anything sexual with a relative acquaintance or someone I’m not in at least a semi-serious relationship with.  The other thing is that if a woman is forward and initiates contact, the expectation seems to be that she’s experienced and well aware of how to flirt, and I don’t really have any experience with guys romantically or sexually.  

So basically, how do I flirt with guys and ask them out while making it clear we’re not about to tumble into bed at the end of the first date… or the second… and so on without scaring them off?  And while minimizing potential awkward and misunderstandings.  I’m not looking to ~wait til marriage~ or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to.

Takes Her Time

DEAR TAKES HER TIME: There’s a pretty simple answer to this, THT; you just tell ’em.

Now, it’s true that there are a lot of guys who expect some sort of accelerated time-table when it comes to sex; some will expect it as soon as humanly possible, others have their own version of the three date rule, where if the girl doesn’t put out within three dates, he moves on to the next one in line.

Thing is: this isn’t all men by any stretch of the imagination. I mean, yeah, just lots of guys out there will want sex as quickly as he can get it. After all, sex is pretty damn awesome when you do it right. But just because men are willing to bang out as soon as it’s offered doesn’t mean that there aren’t plenty of guys who will quite happily take the time that is required for the two of you to reach the level comfort and intimacy you feel you need before you’re ready to sleep with him.

Don’t let random bulls

t ideas about gender roles hold you back from being willing to make the first move. Just because you were willing to approach a guy doesn’t automatically mean that you’re obligated to move faster than you feel comfortable with.

Now, as for how you tell them? Well, you said it pretty well in your letter. “I’m not looking to wait til marriage or set a strict time for when I’m down to do what, but I know I wouldn’t feel comfortable being intimate with someone I’m not already close to,” is concise, to the point and sets up exactly what to expect.

When you tell them can be tricky; you don’t really want to blurt it out between the endive salad and the coq au vin, when it would be a bit of a non-sequitur but you also don’t want to wait until his pants are around his ankles and he’s giving you then “Eh? Eh?” head-gestures. I would recommend relatively soon once you’re having your first significant make-out session. Find a moment to pause — before things have progressed significantly — and let him know where you stand.

And don’t stress out about chasing guys off or standing firm. A guy who isn’t willing to accept your limits is not a guy you want to date. If knowing he’s not getting laid by the second date is going to make him look for other pastures, you really aren’t suffering any great loss. He’s just putting you one more step closer to finding a guy who is right for you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that has to do with “Friends with Benefits” relationships. An old friend and I have slipped into one of these after drunkenly hooking up one night. I have no interest in dating her at all and she says that she is ok with that, and she just wants to hook up. However I’m really nervous now because this relationship is secret and we basically have the same circle of friends. And I’ve heard from people that these types of relationships always end in disaster. While I’m enjoying the “benefits” of this relationship, is it really destined to end terribly? And when I meet a girl that I want to start a real relationship with, do you think we will be able to end it with her without hurt feelings?

Trying To Stay Casual

DEAR TRYING TO STAY CASUAL: Here’s a line I’ve borrowed from Dan Savage, TTSC: every relationship ends until one doesn’t. Friends with benefits end one of two ways: either you quit having sex, or you quit being friends. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed either way. You may decide to stop having sex because one of you has fallen for someone else, or because you decide you’re better off as friends rather than lovers. You may stop being friends because you fell in love and now you’re “officially” dating or you may drift apart naturally.

The way you keep a FWB relationship from ending badly is the same way you keep any other relationship from ending badly: open communication and honesty. Be straight forward with how you feel, be open and receptive to how she feels. Want to know how to poison a FWB relationship from the get-go? Treat it as something shameful or something that’s doomed. I can appreciate wanting to be discreet, but you need to keep in mind: this isn’t about how your friends may feel, this is about the two of you. It’s up to you two to decide what the rules are for your relationship; nobody else gets a say.

It’s impossible to say whether you would be able to end the sexual aspect of your relationship without pain or tears – there’re so many variables that you’d get better results rolling a d20 and hoping to make your Save Vs. Drama. But then again: there are no guarantees that you can end any type of relationship, sexual or platonic, without hurt feelings. All I can say is that being a stand-up, honest and compassionate guy will make things easier regardless of how it ends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have something that I need to get off of my chest: I dislike one of my girlfriend’s guy friends. Let’s call him Q to protect the names of the innocent and not so innocent, as you say. 

Whenever someone mentions Q my girlfriend lights up and says how much she loves the guy, I usually have a brief moment where I think about fighting him. That kind of reaction is not healthy and I should stop, but given the history between Q and I stopping is difficult at times. 

A while ago Q and I were acquaintances and we were messing around with each other play-fighting and then he got pissed off and punched me in the face. Since we were at university, I didn’t fight back because I knew we would both be expelled with no questions asked. After that I decided I’d rather not hang out with him. In a separate incident, Q took out his switchblade and publicly threatened to kill one of my friends because my friend had a bad break up with a girl Q liked. That threat really exacerbated my friend’s anxiety and he ended up leaving school and it worked out great for Q because he ended up sleeping with that girl. No one at the university took action over that threat (dozens of people saw it) and I feel guilty for not reporting it myself. My girlfriend doesn’t know about any of this as far as I know.

I really don’t like Q and I feel like I have good reasons not to, and yet my girlfriend likes him. Now don’t get me wrong; I think my girlfriend can choose whomever she wants to be her friend. Maybe she knows things about Q that would make me change my mind despite the way I know him. But I don’t know how to tell her I dislike Q without hurting the relationship I have with my girlfriend. I also don’t know how to act if I am in a room with Q and my girlfriend at the same time. That scenario hasn’t happened yet, but I have a feeling it could and I want to be ready. I’d also like some general advice about how to deal with people my girlfriend likes but I can’t stand.

Thanks for your reality slap,

-Off My Chest

DEAR OFF MY CHEST: You have a completely legitimate reason not to like Q, OMC. Dude punched you in the face and committed assault with a deadly weapon on a friend of yours! THESE ARE VERY GOOD REASONS NOT TO WANT TO HANG AROUND HIM.

Everybody is well within their rights to not want to hang out with their significant other’s friends. It’s good to try to at least be civil to them – after all, they’re important to someone you theoretically care about – but you don’t have to like them, just be polite and willing to spend time in their company on occasion.

There is an unfortunate Geek Social Fallacy that friendship is transitive. It’s not. Just because you both have something in common (your girlfriend, in this case) doesn’t automatically mean that you’re going to be BFFs. In fact, you may very well seriously dislike them. But unless they present a serious problem – and I mean beyond “I think they’re a goddamn idiot” – then the best thing you can do is grit your teeth and deal with them every once in a while.

Except in cases like this.

When someone presents a threat to you (mental or physical), you aren’t obligated to tolerate their presence just because your girlfriend or boyfriend thinks they’re the the bee’s knees and the badger’s nadgers.

But I’m not the one you need to talk to. You need to talk to your girlfriend about how you feel. Communication is important and if you can’t have a serious conversation about how you feel about something with your girlfriend without it potentially destroying the relationship then, frankly, that’s a relationship that needs to be destroyed.

Besides: I don’t know about your girlfriend, but if MY significant other knew that one of my friends was a violent hothead who was prone to threatening people’s lives, I’d want to f

king know about it.

I’d wait until you’re likely to be actually having to share space with Q; bringing it up too early and you may seem as though you’re threatened (metaphorically) by him and you’re trying to get your girlfriend to cut him out of her life.

Here’s what you say when the time comes: “Listen $GIRLFRIEND_NAME, I know that Q’s your friend, but I really don’t like him. I don’t think he’s a good guy. I don’t know if you know this, but I’ve actually seen him threaten to kill somebody. Do you remember $FRIEND_NAME? Remember when he broke up with his girlfriend? And how he dropped out of college afterwards? Q had a crush on $FRIEND_NAME’s girlfriend. When they broke up, I watched Q literally pull a knife on him and threaten his life. That’s why he dropped out.

Maybe he’s an awesome guy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be friends with him. But I don’t want to be in the same room with him and I thought you should know the reason why.”

(I’d leave the “punching you in the face” part out unless it becomes relevant as part of a pattern of his behavior; if she’s the type to assume her friend can do nothing wrong, you could be accused that you’re only doing this because you’re upset that he sucker-punched you.)

If she asks, direct her to some of the other people – including your friend – who witnessed the event.

You want to keep as calm and neutral as possible. You don’t want to get angry or emotional. You don’t want to fling around accusations or make demands. You just want to state your feelings on the matter calmly and succinctly.

Your girlfriend should understand. Most people will be mature enough to. Some people aren’t. Some people will get angry when folks bad-mouth their friends.  Your girlfriend may well be one of them. If she is, she may accuse you of being underhanded or even jealous. Don’t get defensive if she does; these are your feelings on the matter and they’re based on your history with Q.

You have every right to feel the way you do about him. Getting defensive and trying to justify yourself just tells her that she’s correct and you do have underhanded motives. You’re not telling her to not see him any more, you’re just saying that you want to have nothing to do with him. How she feels about the matter is up to her.

Like I said: she should be able to understand and respect that. If she can’t… well, better to cut things off now and find someone who you can communicate with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Our story begins with two nerdy people who find each other on a dating site, meet, bond over nerdy references, and through about 20 months of dating (the date is approximate because neither bothered to remember when they became “official”), became the centers of each other’s worlds. Eventually, organically, the conversations turned to marriage, and both parties agreed that life with each other would be infinitely better than life without. Being slightly traditional, they kept this decision more or less to themselves and continues to label their relationship boyfriend/girlfriend, until very recently, when a ring was procured and a very geeky proposal happened. The large families of each are thrilled, and the many people who have been important throughout their lives are already asking for the date.

I’m telling you our story, so that you won’t immediately jump to “cold feet” as the answer to my question. Which is: as the female half of this story, the idea of “weddings” (especially mine) breaks me out in hives. My male half is your typical not-comfortable-in-large-groups-or-with-being-in-the-spotlight person and he already looks resigned. There have been not-quite-joking discussions of elopement.

The rub is that neither of us really want to do that. Our families would be devastated and our friends would be disappointed. I honestly do want to celebrate with the people I care about. I just don’t know if I can handle what that is going to entail. Elopement is really out of the question, quite frankly. One of my cousins did that, and everyone is still mad. And the idea of saying “Oh, we’ll get married early and just have the party with everyone else” misses the point. The ceremony itself is not really the cause of our anxiety. The real points of contention are the process leading up to the wedding, where I’m referred to as “Bride” and it feels like the world is trying very hard to revolve around me (at the same time telling me to not let it go to my head) and the party itself, where I’m afraid I’m going to have to get my fiancé a paper bag to make it through.

I’m possibly the least romantic person ever, and mushy crying makes me gag slightly. And I hate having to make lots of decisions, and your typical wedding planning process involves an inordinate amount of those (and about things that I realize are needed but are really none of my concern, like table linens). When people ask me about my dream wedding, the honest answer is one that someone else planned and prepped for me and I just showed up to. This is usually met with disbelief, but I was serious about the not being romantic. As if the fact that we had to make up an anniversary just to have one didn’t tip everyone I know off. With friends and acquaintances, I try to gently direct the conversation away from me, but eventually I’ll have to do things like dress-shopping or talking to vendors.

I’m not excited about the means or the end. Last night I looked at wedding dresses online and almost cried, not in a good way. I know that the “industry” has a serious vested interest in emotional manipulation, but reading about people enthusiastically jumping into this process and making their dreams come true kinda makes me want to crawl back into bed and pretend to be a blanket-burrito. I would much rather skip the whole thing and just be married to my wonderful fiancé. The only bright spot in all of this is that the most important element (him) provides nothing but a safe harbor of not-panic. 

How do socially-adverse people deal with the largest social event of their lives? How do people who normally avoid the spotlight at all costs put up with being gushed over? I know this is later in the process than most of your readership might be, but I guess the fear of being in the spotlight is a pretty common one?

Wedding Jitters

DEAR WEDDING JITTERS: Here’s the phrase you need to remember: “It’s our wedding.” This is what you need to say over and over again. Why? So you remember who you’re doing this for.

Yeah, your family and friends are thrilled. But it’s you and your groom-to-be who’re the ones getting married. Which means that, ultimately, the two of you can put your feet down together about what you do and do not want.

Which includes keeping it simple and small.

Not every wedding needs to be Disney-esque extravaganzas of opulence and pageantry. You don’t need to have 300 guests, two bands, a catered sit-down meal of squab under glass with the flowers just so and the linens the perfect shade of cerulean while you release dozens of doves as some chanteuse sings “I Will Always Love You”.

Strictly speaking, all you really need is you, your fiancee, an officiant and a couple of witnesses. Hell, you don’t even need a ceremony, just someone to sign the license.

Over the years, I’ve attended (and officiated) more weddings than I can reasonably count. Some of them have been grand galas, destination weddings in exotic locales with so much extravagance that they wouldn’t be out of place on the New York Times’ society pages… and were kind of meh. Some of them took place in the couple’s back yard with a dude’s iPod hooked up to a PA system, a keg of Shiner Bock, a rented chocolate fountain and lots of Hooter’s buffalo wings, and were amazing.

Size and spectacle doesn’t automatically make for a perfect wedding. The love of the people involved do, whether they’re being married in a cathedral with the Archbishop of New York officiating or in a public park dressed as pirates.

(Incidentally, I officiated that last one. I was the Dread Priest Roberts.)

Neither of you want to be gushed over? Keep it all to a level you’re comfortable with. Let the ceremony itself be small; immediate family and closest of close friends only. You’re not any less married if you have a backyard barbecue for the reception instead of trying to recreate the end of Sleeping Beauty.

If you don’t want to handle even that much, delegate some responsibility – put your mom in charge of decor, a sibling or cousin in charge of the food and drinks and a friend with the best musical taste to put a playlist together. Give them the general outlines of what you want, what sort of budget they’re each working with and then turn ‘em loose.

Just remember the key phrase: “It’s our wedding.” Not your aunts’, your uncles’, your cousins three times removed. It’s yours and your fiancee’s. You get to decide how you want to spend it, and everybody else gets to abide by your decisions.

Don’t let folks bully you into a wedding you don’t want. Put your foot down if you need to and tell them “It’s our wedding.”

They can do whatever they like with their party. This one’s yours and yours alone.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)