DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I grew up in a religious household, one that strongly believed in the idea of no sex before marriage. I had chosen to remain a virgin until marriage, but wound up losing it anyway. This upset me pretty badly, made worse when my family found out. I’ve since had more experience (always feeling guilty), had in toxic relationships that I stayed in only to validate the activity. It’s been a long struggle, but I’ve become comfortable with myself and who I am and want to be, especially sexually.

I am now dating someone in my own faith and assumed I would wind up returning to my original choice to wait, especially since he was a virgin. As you may guess, this did not happen, but I find that this time, I’m actually comfortable with the result and enjoying myself and him in a way I never did before. I’m still having one problem, though. He is aware of my sexual history before him and, while he’s never said or even implied anything derogatory, I still feel embarrassed and ashamed at anything that hints at my past. I feel uncomfortable with the fact that I know what I’m doing and with telling him what I like. Half the time, I find myself laughing uncontrollably while I try to spit the words out, but mostly I just want to curl in on myself. I’m almost there, but can you help me cross that final barrier to being a confident sexual being?

– No Longer Waiting

DEAR NO LONGER WAITING: Your letter nicely illustrates one of the biggest injuries that our sex-negative culture inflicts on people – women especially.

Now I’ll be the first to say that people are welcome to take sex at their own pace and wait until they’re ready, willing and able. That being said, my personal opinion is that waiting until marriage isn’t a good idea; sexual compatibility is an incredibly important part of a relationship and one’s wedding night is a very bad time to find out that the two of you have entirely different ideas about sex. I think that this attitude robs people of the opportunity to explore their own sexuality and get to know just what they want, how often they want it, how they need to get off and what they will or won’t consider when it comes to indulging a partner’s fantasies.

Just as importantly however, is that it perpetuates the commodity model of sex – that a woman’s worth is based on the amount of sex she DOESN’T have – and perpetuates the Madonna/Whore view of women. And that’s where the damage really starts to sink in. It’s bad enough when guys internalize the idea that women who’ve had lots of sex have something fundamentally wrong with them. For women, though, that attitude not only damages their psyches, but their lives.

Bad enough that you lost your virginity in a way that - from the sounds of it – was not the way that you wanted. Even more so that your family got involved – evidently blaming you, because of COURSE women have to police men’s sexuality (ugh).

But it was this line in your letter NLW really leapt out at me:  

“I’ve since had more experience (always feeling guilty), had in toxic relationships that I stayed in only to validate the activity.” 

That, unfortunately, is an incredibly common story, especially among women I’ve known who’ve come from backgrounds similar to yours. One of the side-effects of the sex-negative culture in America – the wackos who insist that women should be virgins until marriage and have no sexual autonomy – is that it promotes the idea that “if he puts his dick in you, he owns you for life.” There’s an implied sense of obligation to stay now because – as Elizabeth Smart articulated brilliantly – you’ve been taught that you’re worthless and nobody is going to want you now. I’ve got very good friends who, like you, stayed in toxic, even abusive relationships because they were taught that sex was dirty and shameful unless it gets the holy stamp of Church and State approval; leaving the relationship would only mean that they’d done something wrong in the eyes of God and man.

So, yeah. I’ve kinda got a beef with the people who teach sexual shame and trades on ignorance, fear and negativity, especially in the name of a caring and loving god. The damage they do is farther reaching than I think anyone realizes.

Case in point: you’ve had a long and difficult struggle with coming to terms with your sexuality and being willing to take ownership of your life… and frankly you should be applauded. This is an incredible testimony to your strength and perseverance and your determination to push past the bulls

t that people tried to instill in you. It’s awesome that you’ve come to a place where you can actually enjoy your sexuality like you should and be comfortable with yourself. You should be proud of yourself and your progress… and most importantly, you should NOT be embarrassed by your past.

Those last niggling doubts and feelings of shame are the last little tendrils of the utter crap you were taught, holding on for dear life around your brain, and it can be hard to extract them. In fact, your brain will actually fight against it at times, even though you know intellectually that it’s wrong. It is very difficult to break old patterns and habits, even when you understand that they’re bad for you. You may notice that these feelings crop up hardest when you feel like you’re about to make a breakthrough – just when you’re starting to truly feel like you’ve come into your own, suddenly there’s that little a

hole voice in the back of your head that whispers “Don’t forget, you’re slut and nobody can possibly love you. If he knew what you were REALLY like he’d be disgusted.”

This is what’s known as an “extinction burst”. Because you’re getting close to overcoming this old programming, there’s a part of your brain – the part that absorbed all of these lessons – that says “wait, if I don’t do something, this is going to go away” and suddenly it floods you with feelings of shame and remorse. It’s the emotional equivalent of someone on a diet who suddenly goes on a binge of crappy food. The difference is that while breaking the diet is based on a physical reward system – your body’s used to the high it gets from carbs and sugar and fat – the other is psychological. You’ve been brought up to believe that questioning your beliefs were wrong and that any deviation from these strict teachings means you’re a horrible person who deserves to be punished. Now that you’re starting to step away from those beliefs – you have your faith, but you no longer believe in their dictates regarding sex – that little part that’s supposed to keep you from breaking away is firing up and trying to bring you back into the fold.

It’s also complete bulls

t.

The fact that you have a sexual past is inherently neutral. You’re not a bad person because you’ve had sex; the only bad parts were the ways that you were hurt in the process. The fact that you know what you like sexually and want to to tell him? This is unquestionably a good thing. In fact, this is an unbelievably desirable asset in a sex partner, especially when the other is relatively inexperienced. Let’s look at it from another angle: your boyfriend has somebody confident, caring and patient, who wants to teach him how to please a woman instead of letting him fumble his way, learning all the wrong lessons and getting frustrated in the process. Who wouldn’t want that in a partner, especially their first? 

This is what your jerk-brain is trying to deny you. It’s trying to take a strength – your hard-won experience – and turn it into a weakness. And you shouldn’t let it.

By all accounts, it seems like your boyfriend’s a cool person who’s not judging you by your number. You care for him and trust him… so take “yes” for an answer when he’s giving you every indication that he’s not intimidated by your past. And if he – or any guy you may date in the future – has a problem with the fact that you’ve had sex before… well, that’s THEIR problem to overcome, not yours. A guy who can’t handle the fact that his girlfriend or wife has a sexual past can hand back his man-card; he’s not a man, he’s a boy and he’s got some growing up to do.

I’m not a big believer in affirmations, but whenever you have that voice from you jerk-brain piping up, remind yourself that you’re strong, that you’re desirable and that you deserve the sex you want and anyone who says otherwise is cordially invited to go f

k themselves. Your past – as painful as it was – has lead you to who you are today, and from the sounds of it, that’s a pretty amazing place. And that past includes the people you’ve slept with. It’s molded you. It’s shaped you, it’s tempered you and tested you and you’ve come out stronger and better for it.

Nobody can take that from you if you don’t let them.

Enjoy the sex you’re having with your boyfriend. Revel in it. Teach him how to pleasure you in all the ways you enjoy. Take pride in where you are and what it’s taken to get you there and reap the rewards of being a sexually confident woman. There’s nothing to be ashamed of; there are only small-minded chucklef

ks who’ve tried to convince you otherwise. And you’re stronger than they are.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I moved to a new city about six months ago to start a great new job and to be closer to my college buds. I had an awesome job right out of college but in an inconvenient location, which probably cost me my ex girlfriend due to long distance.

Anyways, starting anew in my new city, having been single for about a year, I was ready to find a new girlfriend that met all my qualifications (very smart, successful, and attractive obviously). It didn’t take me long to find someone who met all my standards and liked me(!!!). She’s very cute, has an awesome/prestigious job and went to the same elite school as me (we never met in college). We went on a few dates and it was clear that we were both into each other, so we started a relationship.

Now, a few months into the relationship, I’m realizing that she is very inexperienced with relationships and the bedroom. She was a bit of a late-bloomer and came into her own only recently. She may still be recovering from previous insecurities. We haven’t had sex yet even though I’ve made my desire to known. She has been coy about her sexual experience, but has said that she isn’t a virgin. I think this aspect is draining on my patience with our relationship and it is definitely leaking over into our otherwise, exceptional compatibility. Little things like suggestions on how to do things come off as condescending and annoying now. 

Making things even worse, my roommates are both single and enjoying a more casual dating life with great success. That isn’t necessarily what I’m looking for (I enjoy a more intimate experience than the casual bang even though that’s what I would settle for before my recent relationship), but I am not going to lie to myself and say that sex isn’t important to me and my overall quality of life.

Did I jump in too quick?

If I eventually find that it isn’t going to work out anymore, should I pull a Paul Simon and “get off the bus, Gus, drop off the key, Lee” and get myself free? How do I do that? I’ve been in many relationships before and usually it ends mutually or I’m the one that gets broken up with.

Your advice would be much appreciated.

– Easy Z

DEAR EASY Z: Speaking strictly for my preferences, I’d say yes, you leapt before you looked. Personally, I’d have recommended waiting for more than a few dates before entering into an exclusive relationship with somebody; at the very least, it would’ve provided you more time to discover and work out any sexual compatibility issues prior to deciding that you were forsaking all others for the foreseeable future.

Of course, it isn’t helping that your roommates are going out and having crazy nookie-filled adventures and leaving you feeling frustrated and deprived, watching the rest of the world (or so it feels) going out and doing all the things you wish you  were at the moment.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Wait For It…

DECEMBER 27, 2013 BY DR. NERDLOVE (EDIT)

Doctor’s Note: It’s an all Ask Dr. NerdLove week as I’m traveling for the holidays. Regular columns will be resuming on Monday.

Doc,

I moved to a new city about six months ago to start a great new job and to be closer to my college buds. I had an awesome job right out of college but in an inconvenient location, which probably cost me my ex girlfriend due to long distance.

Anyways, starting anew in my new city, having been single for about a year, I was ready to find a new girlfriend that met all my qualifications (very smart, successful, and attractive obviously). It didn’t take me long to find someone who met all my standards and liked me(!!!). She’s very cute, has an awesome/prestigious job and went to the same elite school as me (we never met in college). We went on a few dates and it was clear that we were both into each other, so we started a relationship.

Now, a few months into the relationship, I’m realizing that she is very inexperienced with relationships and the bedroom. She was a bit of a late-bloomer and came into her own only recently. She may still be recovering from previous insecurities. We haven’t had sex yet even though I’ve made my desire to known. She has been coy about her sexual experience, but has said that she isn’t a virgin. I think this aspect is draining on my patience with our relationship and it is definitely leaking over into our otherwise, exceptional compatibility. Little things like suggestions on how to do things come off as condescending and annoying now. 

Making things even worse, my roommates are both single and enjoying a more casual dating life with great success. That isn’t necessarily what I’m looking for (I enjoy a more intimate experience than the casual bang even though that’s what I would settle for before my recent relationship), but I am not going to lie to myself and say that sex isn’t important to me and my overall quality of life.

Did I jump in too quick?

If I eventually find that it isn’t going to work out anymore, should I pull a Paul Simon and “get off the bus, Gus, drop off the key, Lee” and get myself free? How do I do that? I’ve been in many relationships before and usually it ends mutually or I’m the one that gets broken up with.

Your advice would be much appreciated.

– Easy Z

As fate would have it, this letter came right after I read after I read Vulture’s oral history of Donna Martin losing her virginity on Beverly Hills 90210. The universe, it seems, has a strong sense of irony.

Speaking strictly for my preferences, I’d say yes, you leapt before you looked. Personally, I’d have recommended waiting for more than a few dates before entering into an exclusive relationship with somebody; at the very least, it would’ve provided you more time to discover and work out any sexual compatibility issues prior to deciding that you were forsaking all others for the foreseeable future.

Of course, it isn’t helping that your roommates are going out and having crazy nookie-filled adventures and leaving you feeling frustrated and deprived, watching the rest of the world (or so it feels) going out and doing all the things you wish you  were at the moment.

Sex and sexual compatibility is a critical part of a relationship, EZ. It’s also one that gets people the most riled up when you point out that you’re not happy with it. It’s a sad part of our deeply sex-negative culture that people – usually men, but women too – get shamed when they admit that they’re not satisfied with the sex in their relationships and are considering ending it. They’re told that they’re being selfish, that they’re being pigs, that if they actually care about their partner, they’d get over this seemingly minor problem and so forth and so on.

(Of course, as soon as said dissatisfied person mentions the possibility of looking somewhere else for sex, that minor issue is suddenly a great big one… but I digress.)

So this is a way of warning you in advance that you’re probably going to take some crap from folks for wanting to break up with a girl because you want sex and she isn’t ready to have sex yet.

The tricky part is that you’re both entirely right. She’s perfectly within her rights to want to wait to have sex until she’s comfortable – for whatever metric of “comfort” works for her. Since she hasn’t been the most forthcoming about her views on sex and sexuality – other than that she’s been a late-bloomer and is otherwise not a bloomer – it can be hard to tell just how she feels about things; she may be waiting for an arbitrary deadline (ten dates, your six-month anniversary), until she feels secure in the relationship or some other reason… and that’s entirely cool. Nobody should be having sex if they’re not feeling ready and secure for it.

It’s also entirely reasonable for you to want to have sex with someone you’re dating. As long as you aren’t pressuring or coercing your date/girlfriend (generic date/girlfriend, not just your current squeeze) into something she’s not comfortable with, being upfront with the fact that yes, you would like to have sex is just fine… as is not necessarily wanting to wait on her schedule.

The key question then is: what are you willing to do? Waiting for sex is going to be the price of admission with this particular woman. It’s up to you to decide whether the other aspects of this relationship – your shared interests, your mutual emotional intimacy, etc. – makes it worth hanging in there until she is ready to sleep with you.

If it is, then it’s time to use your words. You and she need to be able to talk about sex – not just in the abstract or what you’d like to do to one another, but about how you both feel about the sexual component of your relationship and about sex in general. She needs to be able to be up front with you about how she feels and her experiences without feeling as though you’re going to belittle her or push her into something she may not be comfortable with yet. You need to be able to explain to her how you feel and that you’d appreciate some insight into her perspective. She should also be able to give you an idea of what sort of timeline the two of you are working on.

And quite frankly, if you can’t talk openly and honestly about sex, then you’re really not going to work anyway.

You should also talk about potential compromises. You don’t mention whether there’s any sexual contact at all – mutual masturbation, oral sex, frottage, and so forth, or if everything has been strictly about some PG-level making out on the couch – so it’s hard to get a handle on just where the line is drawn and what she’s comfortable doing and not doing. Working out an agreement where you’re both willing to meet each other half-way (so to speak) could help both of you with the relationship maintenance.

But if waiting – even with the potential of the occasional orgasm assist – isn’t something you’re willing to do, then you need to end things, and soon. It’s not fair to either of you to drag it out if this is going to be an insurmountable problem or if you would be waiting longer than you feel you could stand. You have a right to a sexual relationship with somebody you’re dating, and it’s better for you to be with somebody who you’re sexually compatible with than to try to cram someone into a hole that doesn’t fit1. If the sex isn’t working, then the rest of the relationship isn’t going to work.  Meanwhile, you’re already frustrated and more than a little resentful – which is relationship poison – and she deserves someone who is cool with her attitudes about sex and is willing to be on the same timeline as she is without feeling as though she’s holding him back or depriving him.

As I always like to say, the cleanest breaks heal fastest and leave you with the best chances of salvaging a friendship – or even a potential future relationship – out of this.

How you do it is simple: you tell her that you’re just not working out. It’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just a matter of the two of you not being compatible. You’re in different places and want different things and it’s not fair to her for you to be demanding something she isn’t ready to give. Let her know you respect her and her choices and this is why it’s better that the two of you break up now rather than letting things go on and making it worse.

There is the (small) chance that, when you tell her this, that she will offer to sleep with you; I can’t stress enough that this would be a horrible idea on many levels.  To start with: that’s not going to be what she actually wants, that’s going to be her doing whatever she thinks it’s going to take to salvage the relationship… and that’s going to be more damaging to both of you than to simply part ways and reconnect later on as friends. It also would put you in the same place as people who hold their partner’s anxiety over the relationship as a way of coercing them into doing things they wouldn’t be willing to do otherwise. Do not be one of those scumbags.

If you do decide to end it, then make it fast and make it final. Do not take “time apart” or “go on a break”; all that is going to do is drag things out and prompt one or both of you to do things you would regret.

TL;DR: if everything else is worth the price of waiting, talk to her, find out how she feels and see if there’s some way the two of you could work out a compromise together in the meantime. If it isn’t… break it off quick and clean and walk away.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am an 18 year old British female. In July I met a 21 year old Canadian male whilst travelling. He took me on a couple dates and we went to Rome together for four days and nights. We slept together a lot and visited lots things and ate out each night. We continued talking until December when he came to an island in the Indian Ocean where I was working for 5 months and we saw each other a few times each week for a month. He also was keen to meet my parents and we went out with them.

I then left my job and went traveling Madagascar with him for 3 weeks. He flew off to continue his travels when I am now home in England (February). During our travels I asked if I would be his girlfriend if I lived in Canada he said he hadn’t thought about it. When a group of people asked us about our relationship he said it was complicated and casual. When I asked what we were he said a casual relationship. We don’t say we love each other. It’s almost as if he’s not bothered by me he just likes having a temporary girlfriend every now and then when traveling. This would he great if I just wanted that too. Trouble is I would love to be in a serious relationship with him.

We get on so well like best friends who’s are also attracted to each other and sleep with each other. We’ve been through so much together, why doesn’t he want me as a serious long term girlfriend?

Single-Serving Relationship

DEAR SINGLE-SERVING RELATIONSHIP:You answered your own question there, SSR: you’re a travel buddy. You’re fun to travel with, you get along like a house on fire and the sex is excellent. The problem – at least in as much as there is a problem – is that you want two different things. You want a serious relationship with him and he doesn’t want one with you.

Now as much as this feels like he’s casting judgement on you as a person – you’re good enough to screw but not enough to date – it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or value you or care about you. Clearly he does. I also don’t think he’s just using you. I think it’s just that he’s not looking for a serious, committed relationship right now. He’s happy with keeping things casual because that’s what he wants and likely what works with his lifestyle right now.

I also suspect that the fact that you live in different countries has a lot to do with it. Yeah, long-distance relationships – even intercontinental ones – can work, but it’s certainly not for everybody… and it’s almost certainly not for him.

So here’s the crux of your problem: you want different things and it doesn’t seem that he’s going to change his mind any time soon. So it all comes down to you. You like this guy, you like traveling with him, you enjoy his company.Are you able to be satisfied with just having that sort of relationship with him without trying to parlay it into something committed and long-term? Are you able to enjoy it for what it is, or will you always be wanting more? If so, great – enjoy what you have when you have it and let it be what it is. If you can’t, if seeing him is only going to leave you with this all-consuming ache… well, it may be kinder to yourself to stop seeing him.

It’s worth remembering: not every love story is supposed to be an epic to last the ages. Sometimes they’re just a short story. Sometimes they’re a dirty limerick. This doesn’t make them any less important or meaningful or significant in your life – it just means that this what was right for a certain point in your life. And to be perfectly honest: what you have right now is a pretty awesome story, as short as it may be. While it may not feel like it right now, in the years to come, I strongly suspect that this is going to end up being a point in your life that you look back at with fondness and nostalgia.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been single for about two years now and in all honesty -despite a great group of friends surrounding me- I can’t help but feel extremely lonely (and horny too, if I’m being totally honest).

I’m aware this isn’t helpful, how I shouldn’t validate myself based on the actions of others, rather my own validation should be enough. When it comes to just about every other facet of my life, I’ve got this down, I’m doing an MA at university and I have strong faith in my abilities to succeed there. In my looks too, I’ve lost a good amount of weight, going down from a 42 inch waist to a 34 inch- again, I’m incredibly proud of this and it does give me self-validation. The only problem is I can’t apply this self-validation when it comes to romance.

Originally, I was horrendous at talking to women, now I can talk to them, but it still feels like I have a mental timer counting down to when I have to abort and leave. I don’t know why this happens other than the fact my confidence seems shot -which may or may not be related to my ex making me feel like crap emotionally for the last act of our relationship-, so I’ve been reading around/trying to build confidence.

I’ve also been using the site OKcupid (I figured why not?), if face-to-face was an issue, why not talk to people online first? Getting to know them would obviously make face-to-face interactions easier. But nobody on there seems to hit the mark, I talk to some people (more of them ignore me but whatever) and eventually it just becomes boring chit-chat, as if both sides are just trying to drag to conversation along by it’s heels. There are girls on the site that I do think I’d have a bit more of a “spark” with -a lot more shared common interests and the such-, but they live in other cities and I don’t drive, I also don’t have much time for traveling and having already been in a long-distance relationship once prior I know that’s not what I’m wanting this time. At the same time, my female housemate who joined at the same time has had no end of messages, and is currently on her phone non-stop talking to a guy she likes online, I’m happy for her, but her constant messaging on there just acts to constantly remind me how awful my experience has been on there so far.

What I’m saying is, I feel like I can’t get off square one, I really want to meet the right person, but as it stands right now I don’t have a clue as to how to find them, and that sucks major balls. It hurts, it’s frustrating, I sound like a spoiled brat with all this “I want, I want!”, but I just can’t seem to switch this feeling off and any advice whatsoever from you at this point would help I think, I’m stuck.

Stuck in First Gear

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST GEAR: First things first, SiFG: comparing your results to other people’s is a recipe for misery. As I’m always fond of saying: you’re comparing their highlight reel to your raw, unedited footage. I know it’s hard when you watch other people have success with the things you struggle with, but that’s their journey, not yours. You’re living a different life and dealing with different issues. There’s any number of things that influence somebody else’s (apparent) success rate that don’t apply to you and, to be frank, most of the time you’re not seeing the things that they struggle (or struggled) with to get there.

So be happy for your housemate, but don’t use her for a basis for comparison.

Now as for what’s going on: I think your biggest issue is that you’ve improved your body but not your spirit. One of the things that I see happen a lot is that people fix the external under the assumption that this will solve all their problems. But while a better looking exterior can make you feel better, if you haven’t addressed any issues from your core, all you’ve done is given yourself a bright shiny shell to hide in. And in your case, your core is a lack of confidence – you don’t feel like you deserve happiness or that you’re worthy of someone. And while there’re many ways to build your confidence, something tells me that there’s one thing you haven’t done yet: you haven’t taken a hit yet.

Back when I was studying martial arts regularly, one of the things I struggled with was sparring. I was great at doing the kattas and perfecting my form and even things like breaking blocks… but sparring was my nemesis. I was permanently on the defensive, always backing away, passing up on openings to strike… because I was afraid of getting hit. But unless I was willing to risk taking a hit, I was never going to get any strikes in myself. Just as importantly, I’d never actually learn how to take a hit without actually getting hit. So I had to force myself to get in there, risk getting clocked and take my chances. Yeah, I got smacked around… but I learned how to handle it. I learned how to roll with the punches (literally), block the worst and get my own strikes in. That’s what helped build my confidence: facing my fears (getting hit) and surviving them.

You, I suspect, are so afraid of rejection and being hurt (which is totally understandable, especially after your ex abused you emotionally) that you try to avoid taking the hit. This is part of why conversations in online dating tend to dwindle off – nobody’s willing to make the first move and try to take things to the next level. You need to invite getting rejected by putting yourself out there and making a move, even if it doesn’t seem 100% perfect. You have to take some risks and approach people and ask them out. You’ll never find out if they’re right for you without taking those chances. Yes, you’re going to get hurt – rejection hurts! – but not only is it something that you’ll survive, but you’ll realize it’s not as bad as you think it is. You’ll learn how to handle it. And learning how to handle it means you’ll be that much more confident in approaching and asking others out… and that will be what makes it easier to find the people who’re right for you.

You’re most of the way there man. Just push past that initial fear of taking the hit and you’ll start having more success.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)