DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I moved to a new city about six months ago to start a great new job and to be closer to my college buds. I had an awesome job right out of college but in an inconvenient location, which probably cost me my ex girlfriend due to long distance.

Anyways, starting anew in my new city, having been single for about a year, I was ready to find a new girlfriend that met all my qualifications (very smart, successful, and attractive obviously). It didn’t take me long to find someone who met all my standards and liked me(!!!). She’s very cute, has an awesome/prestigious job and went to the same elite school as me (we never met in college). We went on a few dates and it was clear that we were both into each other, so we started a relationship.

Now, a few months into the relationship, I’m realizing that she is very inexperienced with relationships and the bedroom. She was a bit of a late-bloomer and came into her own only recently. She may still be recovering from previous insecurities. We haven’t had sex yet even though I’ve made my desire to known. She has been coy about her sexual experience, but has said that she isn’t a virgin. I think this aspect is draining on my patience with our relationship and it is definitely leaking over into our otherwise, exceptional compatibility. Little things like suggestions on how to do things come off as condescending and annoying now. 

Making things even worse, my roommates are both single and enjoying a more casual dating life with great success. That isn’t necessarily what I’m looking for (I enjoy a more intimate experience than the casual bang even though that’s what I would settle for before my recent relationship), but I am not going to lie to myself and say that sex isn’t important to me and my overall quality of life.

Did I jump in too quick?

If I eventually find that it isn’t going to work out anymore, should I pull a Paul Simon and “get off the bus, Gus, drop off the key, Lee” and get myself free? How do I do that? I’ve been in many relationships before and usually it ends mutually or I’m the one that gets broken up with.

Your advice would be much appreciated.

– Easy Z

DEAR EASY Z: Speaking strictly for my preferences, I’d say yes, you leapt before you looked. Personally, I’d have recommended waiting for more than a few dates before entering into an exclusive relationship with somebody; at the very least, it would’ve provided you more time to discover and work out any sexual compatibility issues prior to deciding that you were forsaking all others for the foreseeable future.

Of course, it isn’t helping that your roommates are going out and having crazy nookie-filled adventures and leaving you feeling frustrated and deprived, watching the rest of the world (or so it feels) going out and doing all the things you wish you  were at the moment.

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Ask Dr. NerdLove: Wait For It…

DECEMBER 27, 2013 BY DR. NERDLOVE (EDIT)

Doctor’s Note: It’s an all Ask Dr. NerdLove week as I’m traveling for the holidays. Regular columns will be resuming on Monday.

Doc,

I moved to a new city about six months ago to start a great new job and to be closer to my college buds. I had an awesome job right out of college but in an inconvenient location, which probably cost me my ex girlfriend due to long distance.

Anyways, starting anew in my new city, having been single for about a year, I was ready to find a new girlfriend that met all my qualifications (very smart, successful, and attractive obviously). It didn’t take me long to find someone who met all my standards and liked me(!!!). She’s very cute, has an awesome/prestigious job and went to the same elite school as me (we never met in college). We went on a few dates and it was clear that we were both into each other, so we started a relationship.

Now, a few months into the relationship, I’m realizing that she is very inexperienced with relationships and the bedroom. She was a bit of a late-bloomer and came into her own only recently. She may still be recovering from previous insecurities. We haven’t had sex yet even though I’ve made my desire to known. She has been coy about her sexual experience, but has said that she isn’t a virgin. I think this aspect is draining on my patience with our relationship and it is definitely leaking over into our otherwise, exceptional compatibility. Little things like suggestions on how to do things come off as condescending and annoying now. 

Making things even worse, my roommates are both single and enjoying a more casual dating life with great success. That isn’t necessarily what I’m looking for (I enjoy a more intimate experience than the casual bang even though that’s what I would settle for before my recent relationship), but I am not going to lie to myself and say that sex isn’t important to me and my overall quality of life.

Did I jump in too quick?

If I eventually find that it isn’t going to work out anymore, should I pull a Paul Simon and “get off the bus, Gus, drop off the key, Lee” and get myself free? How do I do that? I’ve been in many relationships before and usually it ends mutually or I’m the one that gets broken up with.

Your advice would be much appreciated.

– Easy Z

As fate would have it, this letter came right after I read after I read Vulture’s oral history of Donna Martin losing her virginity on Beverly Hills 90210. The universe, it seems, has a strong sense of irony.

Speaking strictly for my preferences, I’d say yes, you leapt before you looked. Personally, I’d have recommended waiting for more than a few dates before entering into an exclusive relationship with somebody; at the very least, it would’ve provided you more time to discover and work out any sexual compatibility issues prior to deciding that you were forsaking all others for the foreseeable future.

Of course, it isn’t helping that your roommates are going out and having crazy nookie-filled adventures and leaving you feeling frustrated and deprived, watching the rest of the world (or so it feels) going out and doing all the things you wish you  were at the moment.

Sex and sexual compatibility is a critical part of a relationship, EZ. It’s also one that gets people the most riled up when you point out that you’re not happy with it. It’s a sad part of our deeply sex-negative culture that people – usually men, but women too – get shamed when they admit that they’re not satisfied with the sex in their relationships and are considering ending it. They’re told that they’re being selfish, that they’re being pigs, that if they actually care about their partner, they’d get over this seemingly minor problem and so forth and so on.

(Of course, as soon as said dissatisfied person mentions the possibility of looking somewhere else for sex, that minor issue is suddenly a great big one… but I digress.)

So this is a way of warning you in advance that you’re probably going to take some crap from folks for wanting to break up with a girl because you want sex and she isn’t ready to have sex yet.

The tricky part is that you’re both entirely right. She’s perfectly within her rights to want to wait to have sex until she’s comfortable – for whatever metric of “comfort” works for her. Since she hasn’t been the most forthcoming about her views on sex and sexuality – other than that she’s been a late-bloomer and is otherwise not a bloomer – it can be hard to tell just how she feels about things; she may be waiting for an arbitrary deadline (ten dates, your six-month anniversary), until she feels secure in the relationship or some other reason… and that’s entirely cool. Nobody should be having sex if they’re not feeling ready and secure for it.

It’s also entirely reasonable for you to want to have sex with someone you’re dating. As long as you aren’t pressuring or coercing your date/girlfriend (generic date/girlfriend, not just your current squeeze) into something she’s not comfortable with, being upfront with the fact that yes, you would like to have sex is just fine… as is not necessarily wanting to wait on her schedule.

The key question then is: what are you willing to do? Waiting for sex is going to be the price of admission with this particular woman. It’s up to you to decide whether the other aspects of this relationship – your shared interests, your mutual emotional intimacy, etc. – makes it worth hanging in there until she is ready to sleep with you.

If it is, then it’s time to use your words. You and she need to be able to talk about sex – not just in the abstract or what you’d like to do to one another, but about how you both feel about the sexual component of your relationship and about sex in general. She needs to be able to be up front with you about how she feels and her experiences without feeling as though you’re going to belittle her or push her into something she may not be comfortable with yet. You need to be able to explain to her how you feel and that you’d appreciate some insight into her perspective. She should also be able to give you an idea of what sort of timeline the two of you are working on.

And quite frankly, if you can’t talk openly and honestly about sex, then you’re really not going to work anyway.

You should also talk about potential compromises. You don’t mention whether there’s any sexual contact at all – mutual masturbation, oral sex, frottage, and so forth, or if everything has been strictly about some PG-level making out on the couch – so it’s hard to get a handle on just where the line is drawn and what she’s comfortable doing and not doing. Working out an agreement where you’re both willing to meet each other half-way (so to speak) could help both of you with the relationship maintenance.

But if waiting – even with the potential of the occasional orgasm assist – isn’t something you’re willing to do, then you need to end things, and soon. It’s not fair to either of you to drag it out if this is going to be an insurmountable problem or if you would be waiting longer than you feel you could stand. You have a right to a sexual relationship with somebody you’re dating, and it’s better for you to be with somebody who you’re sexually compatible with than to try to cram someone into a hole that doesn’t fit1. If the sex isn’t working, then the rest of the relationship isn’t going to work.  Meanwhile, you’re already frustrated and more than a little resentful – which is relationship poison – and she deserves someone who is cool with her attitudes about sex and is willing to be on the same timeline as she is without feeling as though she’s holding him back or depriving him.

As I always like to say, the cleanest breaks heal fastest and leave you with the best chances of salvaging a friendship – or even a potential future relationship – out of this.

How you do it is simple: you tell her that you’re just not working out. It’s not anybody’s fault, it’s just a matter of the two of you not being compatible. You’re in different places and want different things and it’s not fair to her for you to be demanding something she isn’t ready to give. Let her know you respect her and her choices and this is why it’s better that the two of you break up now rather than letting things go on and making it worse.

There is the (small) chance that, when you tell her this, that she will offer to sleep with you; I can’t stress enough that this would be a horrible idea on many levels.  To start with: that’s not going to be what she actually wants, that’s going to be her doing whatever she thinks it’s going to take to salvage the relationship… and that’s going to be more damaging to both of you than to simply part ways and reconnect later on as friends. It also would put you in the same place as people who hold their partner’s anxiety over the relationship as a way of coercing them into doing things they wouldn’t be willing to do otherwise. Do not be one of those scumbags.

If you do decide to end it, then make it fast and make it final. Do not take “time apart” or “go on a break”; all that is going to do is drag things out and prompt one or both of you to do things you would regret.

TL;DR: if everything else is worth the price of waiting, talk to her, find out how she feels and see if there’s some way the two of you could work out a compromise together in the meantime. If it isn’t… break it off quick and clean and walk away.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am an 18 year old British female. In July I met a 21 year old Canadian male whilst travelling. He took me on a couple dates and we went to Rome together for four days and nights. We slept together a lot and visited lots things and ate out each night. We continued talking until December when he came to an island in the Indian Ocean where I was working for 5 months and we saw each other a few times each week for a month. He also was keen to meet my parents and we went out with them.

I then left my job and went traveling Madagascar with him for 3 weeks. He flew off to continue his travels when I am now home in England (February). During our travels I asked if I would be his girlfriend if I lived in Canada he said he hadn’t thought about it. When a group of people asked us about our relationship he said it was complicated and casual. When I asked what we were he said a casual relationship. We don’t say we love each other. It’s almost as if he’s not bothered by me he just likes having a temporary girlfriend every now and then when traveling. This would he great if I just wanted that too. Trouble is I would love to be in a serious relationship with him.

We get on so well like best friends who’s are also attracted to each other and sleep with each other. We’ve been through so much together, why doesn’t he want me as a serious long term girlfriend?

Single-Serving Relationship

DEAR SINGLE-SERVING RELATIONSHIP:You answered your own question there, SSR: you’re a travel buddy. You’re fun to travel with, you get along like a house on fire and the sex is excellent. The problem – at least in as much as there is a problem – is that you want two different things. You want a serious relationship with him and he doesn’t want one with you.

Now as much as this feels like he’s casting judgement on you as a person – you’re good enough to screw but not enough to date – it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or value you or care about you. Clearly he does. I also don’t think he’s just using you. I think it’s just that he’s not looking for a serious, committed relationship right now. He’s happy with keeping things casual because that’s what he wants and likely what works with his lifestyle right now.

I also suspect that the fact that you live in different countries has a lot to do with it. Yeah, long-distance relationships – even intercontinental ones – can work, but it’s certainly not for everybody… and it’s almost certainly not for him.

So here’s the crux of your problem: you want different things and it doesn’t seem that he’s going to change his mind any time soon. So it all comes down to you. You like this guy, you like traveling with him, you enjoy his company.Are you able to be satisfied with just having that sort of relationship with him without trying to parlay it into something committed and long-term? Are you able to enjoy it for what it is, or will you always be wanting more? If so, great – enjoy what you have when you have it and let it be what it is. If you can’t, if seeing him is only going to leave you with this all-consuming ache… well, it may be kinder to yourself to stop seeing him.

It’s worth remembering: not every love story is supposed to be an epic to last the ages. Sometimes they’re just a short story. Sometimes they’re a dirty limerick. This doesn’t make them any less important or meaningful or significant in your life – it just means that this what was right for a certain point in your life. And to be perfectly honest: what you have right now is a pretty awesome story, as short as it may be. While it may not feel like it right now, in the years to come, I strongly suspect that this is going to end up being a point in your life that you look back at with fondness and nostalgia.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been single for about two years now and in all honesty -despite a great group of friends surrounding me- I can’t help but feel extremely lonely (and horny too, if I’m being totally honest).

I’m aware this isn’t helpful, how I shouldn’t validate myself based on the actions of others, rather my own validation should be enough. When it comes to just about every other facet of my life, I’ve got this down, I’m doing an MA at university and I have strong faith in my abilities to succeed there. In my looks too, I’ve lost a good amount of weight, going down from a 42 inch waist to a 34 inch- again, I’m incredibly proud of this and it does give me self-validation. The only problem is I can’t apply this self-validation when it comes to romance.

Originally, I was horrendous at talking to women, now I can talk to them, but it still feels like I have a mental timer counting down to when I have to abort and leave. I don’t know why this happens other than the fact my confidence seems shot -which may or may not be related to my ex making me feel like crap emotionally for the last act of our relationship-, so I’ve been reading around/trying to build confidence.

I’ve also been using the site OKcupid (I figured why not?), if face-to-face was an issue, why not talk to people online first? Getting to know them would obviously make face-to-face interactions easier. But nobody on there seems to hit the mark, I talk to some people (more of them ignore me but whatever) and eventually it just becomes boring chit-chat, as if both sides are just trying to drag to conversation along by it’s heels. There are girls on the site that I do think I’d have a bit more of a “spark” with -a lot more shared common interests and the such-, but they live in other cities and I don’t drive, I also don’t have much time for traveling and having already been in a long-distance relationship once prior I know that’s not what I’m wanting this time. At the same time, my female housemate who joined at the same time has had no end of messages, and is currently on her phone non-stop talking to a guy she likes online, I’m happy for her, but her constant messaging on there just acts to constantly remind me how awful my experience has been on there so far.

What I’m saying is, I feel like I can’t get off square one, I really want to meet the right person, but as it stands right now I don’t have a clue as to how to find them, and that sucks major balls. It hurts, it’s frustrating, I sound like a spoiled brat with all this “I want, I want!”, but I just can’t seem to switch this feeling off and any advice whatsoever from you at this point would help I think, I’m stuck.

Stuck in First Gear

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST GEAR: First things first, SiFG: comparing your results to other people’s is a recipe for misery. As I’m always fond of saying: you’re comparing their highlight reel to your raw, unedited footage. I know it’s hard when you watch other people have success with the things you struggle with, but that’s their journey, not yours. You’re living a different life and dealing with different issues. There’s any number of things that influence somebody else’s (apparent) success rate that don’t apply to you and, to be frank, most of the time you’re not seeing the things that they struggle (or struggled) with to get there.

So be happy for your housemate, but don’t use her for a basis for comparison.

Now as for what’s going on: I think your biggest issue is that you’ve improved your body but not your spirit. One of the things that I see happen a lot is that people fix the external under the assumption that this will solve all their problems. But while a better looking exterior can make you feel better, if you haven’t addressed any issues from your core, all you’ve done is given yourself a bright shiny shell to hide in. And in your case, your core is a lack of confidence – you don’t feel like you deserve happiness or that you’re worthy of someone. And while there’re many ways to build your confidence, something tells me that there’s one thing you haven’t done yet: you haven’t taken a hit yet.

Back when I was studying martial arts regularly, one of the things I struggled with was sparring. I was great at doing the kattas and perfecting my form and even things like breaking blocks… but sparring was my nemesis. I was permanently on the defensive, always backing away, passing up on openings to strike… because I was afraid of getting hit. But unless I was willing to risk taking a hit, I was never going to get any strikes in myself. Just as importantly, I’d never actually learn how to take a hit without actually getting hit. So I had to force myself to get in there, risk getting clocked and take my chances. Yeah, I got smacked around… but I learned how to handle it. I learned how to roll with the punches (literally), block the worst and get my own strikes in. That’s what helped build my confidence: facing my fears (getting hit) and surviving them.

You, I suspect, are so afraid of rejection and being hurt (which is totally understandable, especially after your ex abused you emotionally) that you try to avoid taking the hit. This is part of why conversations in online dating tend to dwindle off – nobody’s willing to make the first move and try to take things to the next level. You need to invite getting rejected by putting yourself out there and making a move, even if it doesn’t seem 100% perfect. You have to take some risks and approach people and ask them out. You’ll never find out if they’re right for you without taking those chances. Yes, you’re going to get hurt – rejection hurts! – but not only is it something that you’ll survive, but you’ll realize it’s not as bad as you think it is. You’ll learn how to handle it. And learning how to handle it means you’ll be that much more confident in approaching and asking others out… and that will be what makes it easier to find the people who’re right for you.

You’re most of the way there man. Just push past that initial fear of taking the hit and you’ll start having more success.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So I haven’t been on a date in a long time. Like…4 years long? The point is, I’ve been out of it a while. I recently got a hit from my online profile, and we have a few things in common. I chatted with her and we’ve got some things in common, but I’m not really into her. Since it’s already set up, it’d be rude to just bail, but I have a deeper question. A theory question, if you will. 

Is it an awful thing to do to go on a date to practice dating skills if you don’t really see a romantic relationship coming from it? I’m shy and nervous about meeting new people (especially when romantic possibilities are thrown in), so I feel like it’s a good thing to push me out of my comfort zone. I just want to be sure I’m not breaking any etiquette or being a terrible person in the process.

Any insight?

Sincerely,

Dating Etiquette Impaired

DEAR DATING ETIQUETTE IMPAIRED: OK, DEI, before I get to the meat of your question, I want to point out a problem with the premise: you’re assuming a lot from a first date on a dating site. Very few people go into a first date assuming that this is the pebble that starts the avalanche that leads to marriage and/or commitment. When it comes to online dating, that first meeting is almost always to do your due-diligence before you invest a considerable amount of time and emotional energy into this person. Are they who they say they are in their profile, do you have chemistry, do they smell like socks and old cheese? First dates are the measure of a person to see whether or not a second date is even on the table.

So before you start tossing around the idea of whether it’s OK to date someone when you don’t see a relationship coming out of it, try to not put that particular cart before the horse.

Now, that having been said: it’s kind of a s

*ty thing to do.In fairness, people go on dates for a multitude of reasons: to meet new people, to get dinner, to test for chemistry, to get laid, because they’re bored and it’s Friday so why not? But let’s not forget that there are people involved in dates and treating them like objects (at least, treating them like objects when they don’t want to be objectified) is pretty insulting to them. Like someone who wants just A Girlfriend – a person to fill that hole labeled “relationship”, without much consideration for the person who goes in it – it’s insulting at best and dehumanizing at worst.

I mean, ask yourself: how would you feel if someone you thought was cool and interesting was only going out with you because she wanted to brush up on her people skills and had no real interest in you in the first place?

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m a big proponent that the way you build up your experience is by going out and using those skills. That means making approaches, striking up conversations, flirting with people and asking people out on dates. Field experience is a crucial part of improvement; theory by itself can devolve into emotional masturbation very quickly. But when you do, you need to remember that the people you’re talking and flirting with are your fellow human beings, and leading people on with the intent of letting it go nowhere is a bad idea. Flirting without intent is well and good; as I’ve said, flirting for flirting’s sake can be fun. But leading someone to believe you like them when you don’t? Pretty awful thing to do.

Of course, there’s another wrinkle involved here: many of your first dates are going to go nowhere. That’s part of the nature of the beast. A lot of the skill with dating comes from not just becoming a master seducer but also learning how to determine who’s right for you and who isn’t. All of that takes some trial and error. You get that practice by going on dates and learning through trial and error.

So, with all that in mind: do you call off your date or not? I know there’s going to be a lot of back and forth in the comments over this. But here’s my thought: can you – in full and complete honesty – stop looking at this as practice and simply as getting to know this person? Be willing to take a chance on someone who may not be perfect on paper but might be more interesting in person? Are you able to be open to serendipity and find out that maybe she has depths you have yet to see?

If so, then continue on the date. If it works out, then blessings on you both. If it doesn’t… well, you gave her an honest chance and got some practice out of it as well.

But if all she can be to you is just a mark on the character sheet of your life, another XP in the grind to the next level? Call it off and save your energy for someone you’re actually interested in.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I spent my teens and 20s assuming that I was unlovable, specifically because I was unattractive, and mostly pining after men rather than dating them. Today, I’m in my 30s, and I’ve been married to a dude in his 40s for three years, together for six. When we got together, I was a wreck: anxious and in a loneliness-panic. My husband put up with my freakouts, and in return, I cooked dinner, packed lunches, filed his taxes, went on ice-cream runs at midnight, you name it–because I didn’t see why else he’d stick around. I didn’t talk to friends about my relationship, because he told me that he worried they would try to break us up. He set up Fridays as the only night that we were allowed to do things with people outside the relationship. (When we met, he had one friend, his last ex. They drifted apart, and now he has none.) We bonded primarily over past traumas, sadness, and loneliness. He was affectionate, but with a much lower libido than mine. There wasn’t a lot of physical chemistry, but I figured that since everyone I was super attracted to either rejected me or turned out to be awful, it was more logical and sustainable to be with someone who was all about me but didn’t really stoke my fire.

We hurried up and got married and bought a house when his job was in jeopardy, because we soon wouldn’t have the money. His job ended (through no fault of his own) not long after, and he spent two years unemployed. He decided in the second year to go back to college full-time, but didn’t want to work during school due to academic anxiety from past bad experiences. I tried to make it work because I felt so bad for him. My income, however, was not enough. We burned through savings and racked up credit debt, and he’s only in the last few months picked up a part-time job after a year of my nagging. He’d only recently started pitching in with things like yardwork and grabbing the occasional grocery from the store, and agreed to take on more than half of the housework after multiple fights, but that has all but halted since he’s started working.

I finally started talking to friends only after they noticed that some things were messed up and approached me with concern, about a year and a half ago, and a year ago I started therapy. My friends and therapist have also helped me see some manipulative stuff that I somehow never noticed–like how I was upfront from date three that I don’t want kids, but he had me considering them after telling me repeatedly that I was mentally messed up to not want any, then told me I pulled a bait-and-switch when I maintained my conviction. Or like how he told me when I expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship that he didn’t think my feelings were really about him, but transference of work stress. Or how he thinks my therapist is bad for me and is encouraging me to leave him.

But the thing is, as I’ve been gaining self-esteem in therapy, I’ve been establishing boundaries and told him how much things aren’t working, and he’s actually starting to shape up a bit. He doesn’t try to stop me from seeing friends anymore, he’ll fix his own dinner if I’m not home, and he tries to actually talk and connect more. I appreciate all of these things–but I still want to leave. I am mentally and emotionally checked out, and trying to seem like I’m not has wound my anxiety levels to eleven.

I guess my problem is that I feel like since he is trying, and we’re married and not just dating, that I’m obligated to give it a shot. I’m not a passive victim here, but entered into this of my own volition, and your average Wednesday is fine and conflict-free. I did encourage him to go back to school, he has over a year left, and my leaving would leave him in a bad financial spot, especially since he has no friends or family in the area. How much responsibility do I have, ethically? Am I being unrealistic or unreasonable for wanting something more, someone I can feel deeply in love with, when he’s working on the things I said were problems? Am I bailing too soon? Am I being too unforgiving? And if I do bail, how do I do so as compassionately and harmlessly as possible?

Thank you for reading this huge, long letter.

Signed,

Wishing for a TARDIS 

DEAR WISHING FOR A TARDIS: Let me ask you something, WfaT: how long are you willing to wait until you feel like you’ve given him enough time? How long is it going to be before everything is exactly perfect and you can leave without feeling like you’re abandoning him or not giving him a chance? One month? Six months? A year? Five years?

Are you willing to swallow that feeling of climbing the walls, shoving your real feelings deep down into a hole where it can just give you nightmares, an anti-anxiety prescription and a bleeding ulcer? Faking a smile until your cheeks hurt? Are you willing to put up with him gaslighting you and trying to separate you from the people who’re making you stronger – like your therapist – until you’ve assuaged your sense of responsibility?

Look, you picked someone who was wrong for you and who was more than a little manipulative and emotionally abusive. The fact that you went with the wrong person doesn’t condemn you to be stuck with them for the rest of time. You’re allowed to make yourself a priority, especially when staying in a relationship is only going to make you miserable and leave you worse off than you were before. The fact that he’s improved doesn’t mean that things are fixed or that he’ll become Mr. Right; sometimes the incompatibilities and flaws are deep enough that there’s no fixing them, no matter how much work anyone puts in.

And don’t forget: leaving a relationship because you just want out is a legitimate reason to leave. 

Your relationship is over. You know this. The only thing left to do is start the paperwork and make it official so your new life can begin.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)