DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I am an 18 year old British female. In July I met a 21 year old Canadian male whilst travelling. He took me on a couple dates and we went to Rome together for four days and nights. We slept together a lot and visited lots things and ate out each night. We continued talking until December when he came to an island in the Indian Ocean where I was working for 5 months and we saw each other a few times each week for a month. He also was keen to meet my parents and we went out with them.

I then left my job and went traveling Madagascar with him for 3 weeks. He flew off to continue his travels when I am now home in England (February). During our travels I asked if I would be his girlfriend if I lived in Canada he said he hadn’t thought about it. When a group of people asked us about our relationship he said it was complicated and casual. When I asked what we were he said a casual relationship. We don’t say we love each other. It’s almost as if he’s not bothered by me he just likes having a temporary girlfriend every now and then when traveling. This would he great if I just wanted that too. Trouble is I would love to be in a serious relationship with him.

We get on so well like best friends who’s are also attracted to each other and sleep with each other. We’ve been through so much together, why doesn’t he want me as a serious long term girlfriend?

Single-Serving Relationship

DEAR SINGLE-SERVING RELATIONSHIP:You answered your own question there, SSR: you’re a travel buddy. You’re fun to travel with, you get along like a house on fire and the sex is excellent. The problem – at least in as much as there is a problem – is that you want two different things. You want a serious relationship with him and he doesn’t want one with you.

Now as much as this feels like he’s casting judgement on you as a person – you’re good enough to screw but not enough to date – it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you or value you or care about you. Clearly he does. I also don’t think he’s just using you. I think it’s just that he’s not looking for a serious, committed relationship right now. He’s happy with keeping things casual because that’s what he wants and likely what works with his lifestyle right now.

I also suspect that the fact that you live in different countries has a lot to do with it. Yeah, long-distance relationships – even intercontinental ones – can work, but it’s certainly not for everybody… and it’s almost certainly not for him.

So here’s the crux of your problem: you want different things and it doesn’t seem that he’s going to change his mind any time soon. So it all comes down to you. You like this guy, you like traveling with him, you enjoy his company.Are you able to be satisfied with just having that sort of relationship with him without trying to parlay it into something committed and long-term? Are you able to enjoy it for what it is, or will you always be wanting more? If so, great – enjoy what you have when you have it and let it be what it is. If you can’t, if seeing him is only going to leave you with this all-consuming ache… well, it may be kinder to yourself to stop seeing him.

It’s worth remembering: not every love story is supposed to be an epic to last the ages. Sometimes they’re just a short story. Sometimes they’re a dirty limerick. This doesn’t make them any less important or meaningful or significant in your life – it just means that this what was right for a certain point in your life. And to be perfectly honest: what you have right now is a pretty awesome story, as short as it may be. While it may not feel like it right now, in the years to come, I strongly suspect that this is going to end up being a point in your life that you look back at with fondness and nostalgia.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been single for about two years now and in all honesty -despite a great group of friends surrounding me- I can’t help but feel extremely lonely (and horny too, if I’m being totally honest).

I’m aware this isn’t helpful, how I shouldn’t validate myself based on the actions of others, rather my own validation should be enough. When it comes to just about every other facet of my life, I’ve got this down, I’m doing an MA at university and I have strong faith in my abilities to succeed there. In my looks too, I’ve lost a good amount of weight, going down from a 42 inch waist to a 34 inch- again, I’m incredibly proud of this and it does give me self-validation. The only problem is I can’t apply this self-validation when it comes to romance.

Originally, I was horrendous at talking to women, now I can talk to them, but it still feels like I have a mental timer counting down to when I have to abort and leave. I don’t know why this happens other than the fact my confidence seems shot -which may or may not be related to my ex making me feel like crap emotionally for the last act of our relationship-, so I’ve been reading around/trying to build confidence.

I’ve also been using the site OKcupid (I figured why not?), if face-to-face was an issue, why not talk to people online first? Getting to know them would obviously make face-to-face interactions easier. But nobody on there seems to hit the mark, I talk to some people (more of them ignore me but whatever) and eventually it just becomes boring chit-chat, as if both sides are just trying to drag to conversation along by it’s heels. There are girls on the site that I do think I’d have a bit more of a “spark” with -a lot more shared common interests and the such-, but they live in other cities and I don’t drive, I also don’t have much time for traveling and having already been in a long-distance relationship once prior I know that’s not what I’m wanting this time. At the same time, my female housemate who joined at the same time has had no end of messages, and is currently on her phone non-stop talking to a guy she likes online, I’m happy for her, but her constant messaging on there just acts to constantly remind me how awful my experience has been on there so far.

What I’m saying is, I feel like I can’t get off square one, I really want to meet the right person, but as it stands right now I don’t have a clue as to how to find them, and that sucks major balls. It hurts, it’s frustrating, I sound like a spoiled brat with all this “I want, I want!”, but I just can’t seem to switch this feeling off and any advice whatsoever from you at this point would help I think, I’m stuck.

Stuck in First Gear

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST GEAR: First things first, SiFG: comparing your results to other people’s is a recipe for misery. As I’m always fond of saying: you’re comparing their highlight reel to your raw, unedited footage. I know it’s hard when you watch other people have success with the things you struggle with, but that’s their journey, not yours. You’re living a different life and dealing with different issues. There’s any number of things that influence somebody else’s (apparent) success rate that don’t apply to you and, to be frank, most of the time you’re not seeing the things that they struggle (or struggled) with to get there.

So be happy for your housemate, but don’t use her for a basis for comparison.

Now as for what’s going on: I think your biggest issue is that you’ve improved your body but not your spirit. One of the things that I see happen a lot is that people fix the external under the assumption that this will solve all their problems. But while a better looking exterior can make you feel better, if you haven’t addressed any issues from your core, all you’ve done is given yourself a bright shiny shell to hide in. And in your case, your core is a lack of confidence – you don’t feel like you deserve happiness or that you’re worthy of someone. And while there’re many ways to build your confidence, something tells me that there’s one thing you haven’t done yet: you haven’t taken a hit yet.

Back when I was studying martial arts regularly, one of the things I struggled with was sparring. I was great at doing the kattas and perfecting my form and even things like breaking blocks… but sparring was my nemesis. I was permanently on the defensive, always backing away, passing up on openings to strike… because I was afraid of getting hit. But unless I was willing to risk taking a hit, I was never going to get any strikes in myself. Just as importantly, I’d never actually learn how to take a hit without actually getting hit. So I had to force myself to get in there, risk getting clocked and take my chances. Yeah, I got smacked around… but I learned how to handle it. I learned how to roll with the punches (literally), block the worst and get my own strikes in. That’s what helped build my confidence: facing my fears (getting hit) and surviving them.

You, I suspect, are so afraid of rejection and being hurt (which is totally understandable, especially after your ex abused you emotionally) that you try to avoid taking the hit. This is part of why conversations in online dating tend to dwindle off – nobody’s willing to make the first move and try to take things to the next level. You need to invite getting rejected by putting yourself out there and making a move, even if it doesn’t seem 100% perfect. You have to take some risks and approach people and ask them out. You’ll never find out if they’re right for you without taking those chances. Yes, you’re going to get hurt – rejection hurts! – but not only is it something that you’ll survive, but you’ll realize it’s not as bad as you think it is. You’ll learn how to handle it. And learning how to handle it means you’ll be that much more confident in approaching and asking others out… and that will be what makes it easier to find the people who’re right for you.

You’re most of the way there man. Just push past that initial fear of taking the hit and you’ll start having more success.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So I haven’t been on a date in a long time. Like…4 years long? The point is, I’ve been out of it a while. I recently got a hit from my online profile, and we have a few things in common. I chatted with her and we’ve got some things in common, but I’m not really into her. Since it’s already set up, it’d be rude to just bail, but I have a deeper question. A theory question, if you will. 

Is it an awful thing to do to go on a date to practice dating skills if you don’t really see a romantic relationship coming from it? I’m shy and nervous about meeting new people (especially when romantic possibilities are thrown in), so I feel like it’s a good thing to push me out of my comfort zone. I just want to be sure I’m not breaking any etiquette or being a terrible person in the process.

Any insight?

Sincerely,

Dating Etiquette Impaired

DEAR DATING ETIQUETTE IMPAIRED: OK, DEI, before I get to the meat of your question, I want to point out a problem with the premise: you’re assuming a lot from a first date on a dating site. Very few people go into a first date assuming that this is the pebble that starts the avalanche that leads to marriage and/or commitment. When it comes to online dating, that first meeting is almost always to do your due-diligence before you invest a considerable amount of time and emotional energy into this person. Are they who they say they are in their profile, do you have chemistry, do they smell like socks and old cheese? First dates are the measure of a person to see whether or not a second date is even on the table.

So before you start tossing around the idea of whether it’s OK to date someone when you don’t see a relationship coming out of it, try to not put that particular cart before the horse.

Now, that having been said: it’s kind of a s

*ty thing to do.In fairness, people go on dates for a multitude of reasons: to meet new people, to get dinner, to test for chemistry, to get laid, because they’re bored and it’s Friday so why not? But let’s not forget that there are people involved in dates and treating them like objects (at least, treating them like objects when they don’t want to be objectified) is pretty insulting to them. Like someone who wants just A Girlfriend – a person to fill that hole labeled “relationship”, without much consideration for the person who goes in it – it’s insulting at best and dehumanizing at worst.

I mean, ask yourself: how would you feel if someone you thought was cool and interesting was only going out with you because she wanted to brush up on her people skills and had no real interest in you in the first place?

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m a big proponent that the way you build up your experience is by going out and using those skills. That means making approaches, striking up conversations, flirting with people and asking people out on dates. Field experience is a crucial part of improvement; theory by itself can devolve into emotional masturbation very quickly. But when you do, you need to remember that the people you’re talking and flirting with are your fellow human beings, and leading people on with the intent of letting it go nowhere is a bad idea. Flirting without intent is well and good; as I’ve said, flirting for flirting’s sake can be fun. But leading someone to believe you like them when you don’t? Pretty awful thing to do.

Of course, there’s another wrinkle involved here: many of your first dates are going to go nowhere. That’s part of the nature of the beast. A lot of the skill with dating comes from not just becoming a master seducer but also learning how to determine who’s right for you and who isn’t. All of that takes some trial and error. You get that practice by going on dates and learning through trial and error.

So, with all that in mind: do you call off your date or not? I know there’s going to be a lot of back and forth in the comments over this. But here’s my thought: can you – in full and complete honesty – stop looking at this as practice and simply as getting to know this person? Be willing to take a chance on someone who may not be perfect on paper but might be more interesting in person? Are you able to be open to serendipity and find out that maybe she has depths you have yet to see?

If so, then continue on the date. If it works out, then blessings on you both. If it doesn’t… well, you gave her an honest chance and got some practice out of it as well.

But if all she can be to you is just a mark on the character sheet of your life, another XP in the grind to the next level? Call it off and save your energy for someone you’re actually interested in.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I spent my teens and 20s assuming that I was unlovable, specifically because I was unattractive, and mostly pining after men rather than dating them. Today, I’m in my 30s, and I’ve been married to a dude in his 40s for three years, together for six. When we got together, I was a wreck: anxious and in a loneliness-panic. My husband put up with my freakouts, and in return, I cooked dinner, packed lunches, filed his taxes, went on ice-cream runs at midnight, you name it–because I didn’t see why else he’d stick around. I didn’t talk to friends about my relationship, because he told me that he worried they would try to break us up. He set up Fridays as the only night that we were allowed to do things with people outside the relationship. (When we met, he had one friend, his last ex. They drifted apart, and now he has none.) We bonded primarily over past traumas, sadness, and loneliness. He was affectionate, but with a much lower libido than mine. There wasn’t a lot of physical chemistry, but I figured that since everyone I was super attracted to either rejected me or turned out to be awful, it was more logical and sustainable to be with someone who was all about me but didn’t really stoke my fire.

We hurried up and got married and bought a house when his job was in jeopardy, because we soon wouldn’t have the money. His job ended (through no fault of his own) not long after, and he spent two years unemployed. He decided in the second year to go back to college full-time, but didn’t want to work during school due to academic anxiety from past bad experiences. I tried to make it work because I felt so bad for him. My income, however, was not enough. We burned through savings and racked up credit debt, and he’s only in the last few months picked up a part-time job after a year of my nagging. He’d only recently started pitching in with things like yardwork and grabbing the occasional grocery from the store, and agreed to take on more than half of the housework after multiple fights, but that has all but halted since he’s started working.

I finally started talking to friends only after they noticed that some things were messed up and approached me with concern, about a year and a half ago, and a year ago I started therapy. My friends and therapist have also helped me see some manipulative stuff that I somehow never noticed–like how I was upfront from date three that I don’t want kids, but he had me considering them after telling me repeatedly that I was mentally messed up to not want any, then told me I pulled a bait-and-switch when I maintained my conviction. Or like how he told me when I expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship that he didn’t think my feelings were really about him, but transference of work stress. Or how he thinks my therapist is bad for me and is encouraging me to leave him.

But the thing is, as I’ve been gaining self-esteem in therapy, I’ve been establishing boundaries and told him how much things aren’t working, and he’s actually starting to shape up a bit. He doesn’t try to stop me from seeing friends anymore, he’ll fix his own dinner if I’m not home, and he tries to actually talk and connect more. I appreciate all of these things–but I still want to leave. I am mentally and emotionally checked out, and trying to seem like I’m not has wound my anxiety levels to eleven.

I guess my problem is that I feel like since he is trying, and we’re married and not just dating, that I’m obligated to give it a shot. I’m not a passive victim here, but entered into this of my own volition, and your average Wednesday is fine and conflict-free. I did encourage him to go back to school, he has over a year left, and my leaving would leave him in a bad financial spot, especially since he has no friends or family in the area. How much responsibility do I have, ethically? Am I being unrealistic or unreasonable for wanting something more, someone I can feel deeply in love with, when he’s working on the things I said were problems? Am I bailing too soon? Am I being too unforgiving? And if I do bail, how do I do so as compassionately and harmlessly as possible?

Thank you for reading this huge, long letter.

Signed,

Wishing for a TARDIS 

DEAR WISHING FOR A TARDIS: Let me ask you something, WfaT: how long are you willing to wait until you feel like you’ve given him enough time? How long is it going to be before everything is exactly perfect and you can leave without feeling like you’re abandoning him or not giving him a chance? One month? Six months? A year? Five years?

Are you willing to swallow that feeling of climbing the walls, shoving your real feelings deep down into a hole where it can just give you nightmares, an anti-anxiety prescription and a bleeding ulcer? Faking a smile until your cheeks hurt? Are you willing to put up with him gaslighting you and trying to separate you from the people who’re making you stronger – like your therapist – until you’ve assuaged your sense of responsibility?

Look, you picked someone who was wrong for you and who was more than a little manipulative and emotionally abusive. The fact that you went with the wrong person doesn’t condemn you to be stuck with them for the rest of time. You’re allowed to make yourself a priority, especially when staying in a relationship is only going to make you miserable and leave you worse off than you were before. The fact that he’s improved doesn’t mean that things are fixed or that he’ll become Mr. Right; sometimes the incompatibilities and flaws are deep enough that there’s no fixing them, no matter how much work anyone puts in.

And don’t forget: leaving a relationship because you just want out is a legitimate reason to leave. 

Your relationship is over. You know this. The only thing left to do is start the paperwork and make it official so your new life can begin.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a 30 year old guy who was sexually abused as a child by a woman. When I was younger, dating and even flirting with women brought about anxiety and a vague sense of dread.

A few years ago, I got myself into therapy, started being more mindful of things that trigger me and subsequently got much more confident around women. I’ve been doing the online dating thing for the last couple of years and it’s generally been a good experience. Even when the women haven’t been a good match for me, I’ve generally enjoying meeting and talking to new people.

As a result of my abuse though, I’m not really capable of physical intimacy with women until I get to know them a bit and feel comfortable around them. I usually tell them that, “I just want to take things slowly,” since I don’t feel like disclosing my abuse to people that I’ve just been on a date or two with. Unfortunately, many of the women are totally baffled by a guy who turns down sex and they often get upset.

The last girl I went on a few dates with actually called me a f

t for not wanting to sleep with her. Is there a way that I can communicate my boundaries while making it clear that I’m still interested? Thank you Dr. NerdLove you’re my only hope!

Signed,

Don’t Know What to Say

DEAR DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY: First of all, DKWTS, I’m sorry for what you went through and I’m proud of you for not only having survived it but for having been strong enough to get help and work through your issues. It’s entirely understandable that you have scars from your experience – after all, you went through hell! – but those scars aren’t something to be ashamed of. They’re proof that you’ve been through the s

t and came out on the other side.

So far, you’re doing the right thing for you: taking your time and establishing a level of comfort and trust with the women you’re interested in and that’s good. You’ve got every right to want sex on terms that make you the most comfortable and feel safe. From the sounds of things, it sounds like you’re having two issues. The first is communication. It’s a social trope that all guys are horny at all times and can’t wait to bone. Sometimes when a guy wants to take things at a slower pace, this gets read by others as “not actually interested”. Now you don’t say where your limits are and depending on how you’ve set them, this may cause some confusion; if you’re uncomfortable with, say, kissing or making out, it’s understandable that – even when you say you want to take things slowly – that women may feel as though they’re getting mixed signal, especially on the first couple date. If there’s no sign of physical chemistry, even a good night kiss, then your date may think you’re just not interested in her at all or that you’re only interested in her as friends. If you’re setting the bar towards heavy fooling around (mutual masturbation, oral, etc.) or penetrative sex, then it’s a bit easier to explain.

Either way: you want to say more than just “I want to take things slowly”. Frame it as being part of who youare, not anything about them. Say “Hey just so you know: I think you’re amazingly hot and incredible and I’m attracted to you, but I really prefer to go slow when I’m with someone I really like. It’s just my thing.” And you leave it there. It’s short, simple and respectful. It won’t be a big deal because you’re not treating it like a big deal, and others will take your lead. If they push for details, just reiterate: “Its just my thing”. You don’t need to explain or justify it. The women who are right for you will understand and respect that. When you do have that level of trust and comfort, you’ll have established that attraction and you’ll seem like you’re just practicing restraint or are the sort of person who has a slow-burn rather than not being interested. When you know them better and feel comfortable with them, you can explain. But until then: “It’s just my thing. It’s just how I am. That’s all. No big deal.”

And by the by, DKWTS, thank whatever gods you believe in that you didn’t sleep with that last girl you mentioned. Between tossing “f

t” out as an insult and berating you for having boundaries, you very clearly dodged a massive bullet. Her awful attitude and behavior is on her, not on you. That woman volunteered her status as an a

hole right up front and life is too damn short for dealing with (or dating) a

holes.

But you see: that’s the great thing about having boundaries: you filter out the a

holes who don’t respect them or try to push past them.

Good luck!

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My now ex-husband and I had a threesome. It was always a fantasy of mine to be with a woman. I wanted him to just watch but he said I was being selfish so I said he can join. Not only did he penetrate but he also ejaculated inside of her and that tore me up. I did agree to the threesome but seeing him finish with her was something I could never forget it. Was it wrong of me to feel like that if I’m the one who initially wanted it?

Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED: Oof. Remember what I said about a

holes pushing past people’s boundaries earlier? This is what it looks like.

Conflicted, the way you feel is entirely correct. An important part of any successful threesome is establishing firm rules and guidelines BEFORE you’re in the bedroom – and preferably before you’re connecting with your third. The reason for this is because you ideally want to avoid what happened here: people get hurt. Now you haven’t given me much information to work with – you don’t say whether you established that this was supposed to be about just him watching you be with another woman or you all decided this in the moment. As a general rule of thumb, it’s a bad idea to decide on rules while you’re all naked and horny; what seems like a great idea in the heat of the moment often is the cause for regret later on. But even if communication was poor, there’s a LOT of badness involved here.

You established the rules for your encounter – you wanted your ex-husband to watch while you were with your guest star. Your husband decided in the middle of things that he wasn’t cool with this and demanded to be more active. This is a HUGE no-no: no changing the rules in the middle of things. If you want to do things differently, you do it again. But changing things up before everyone’s had a chance to think it through is a bad, bad idea.

The fact that he was pressuring you into changing the rules – calling you selfish and implying that you owed this to him – is supremely sh

*ty behavior on his part.

The other mistake made here was your husband finishing in your guest. This is a really bad idea for a couple’s first threesome, especially if they’ve been strictly monogamous up until now. The generally accepted rule for threesomes: the primary couple gets most of the attention – including his orgasm – unless explicitly and specifically negotiated otherwise. As you found out the hard way: making decisions in the moment can lead to people being hurt.

So, no Conflicted, it’s not wrong for you to feel hurt. Your husband’s actions were selfish and inconsiderate at best, actively s

*ty at worst and ended up causing you pain. Sounds like you’re well rid of him. If you decide to have another threesome again in the future – and honestly, I can hardly blame you if this experience turned you off them entirely – make sure it’s with people you trust and establish the ground rules long before your clothes come off.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)