DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  So I haven’t been on a date in a long time. Like…4 years long? The point is, I’ve been out of it a while. I recently got a hit from my online profile, and we have a few things in common. I chatted with her and we’ve got some things in common, but I’m not really into her. Since it’s already set up, it’d be rude to just bail, but I have a deeper question. A theory question, if you will. 

Is it an awful thing to do to go on a date to practice dating skills if you don’t really see a romantic relationship coming from it? I’m shy and nervous about meeting new people (especially when romantic possibilities are thrown in), so I feel like it’s a good thing to push me out of my comfort zone. I just want to be sure I’m not breaking any etiquette or being a terrible person in the process.

Any insight?

Sincerely,

Dating Etiquette Impaired

DEAR DATING ETIQUETTE IMPAIRED: OK, DEI, before I get to the meat of your question, I want to point out a problem with the premise: you’re assuming a lot from a first date on a dating site. Very few people go into a first date assuming that this is the pebble that starts the avalanche that leads to marriage and/or commitment. When it comes to online dating, that first meeting is almost always to do your due-diligence before you invest a considerable amount of time and emotional energy into this person. Are they who they say they are in their profile, do you have chemistry, do they smell like socks and old cheese? First dates are the measure of a person to see whether or not a second date is even on the table.

So before you start tossing around the idea of whether it’s OK to date someone when you don’t see a relationship coming out of it, try to not put that particular cart before the horse.

Now, that having been said: it’s kind of a s

*ty thing to do.In fairness, people go on dates for a multitude of reasons: to meet new people, to get dinner, to test for chemistry, to get laid, because they’re bored and it’s Friday so why not? But let’s not forget that there are people involved in dates and treating them like objects (at least, treating them like objects when they don’t want to be objectified) is pretty insulting to them. Like someone who wants just A Girlfriend – a person to fill that hole labeled “relationship”, without much consideration for the person who goes in it – it’s insulting at best and dehumanizing at worst.

I mean, ask yourself: how would you feel if someone you thought was cool and interesting was only going out with you because she wanted to brush up on her people skills and had no real interest in you in the first place?

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m a big proponent that the way you build up your experience is by going out and using those skills. That means making approaches, striking up conversations, flirting with people and asking people out on dates. Field experience is a crucial part of improvement; theory by itself can devolve into emotional masturbation very quickly. But when you do, you need to remember that the people you’re talking and flirting with are your fellow human beings, and leading people on with the intent of letting it go nowhere is a bad idea. Flirting without intent is well and good; as I’ve said, flirting for flirting’s sake can be fun. But leading someone to believe you like them when you don’t? Pretty awful thing to do.

Of course, there’s another wrinkle involved here: many of your first dates are going to go nowhere. That’s part of the nature of the beast. A lot of the skill with dating comes from not just becoming a master seducer but also learning how to determine who’s right for you and who isn’t. All of that takes some trial and error. You get that practice by going on dates and learning through trial and error.

So, with all that in mind: do you call off your date or not? I know there’s going to be a lot of back and forth in the comments over this. But here’s my thought: can you – in full and complete honesty – stop looking at this as practice and simply as getting to know this person? Be willing to take a chance on someone who may not be perfect on paper but might be more interesting in person? Are you able to be open to serendipity and find out that maybe she has depths you have yet to see?

If so, then continue on the date. If it works out, then blessings on you both. If it doesn’t… well, you gave her an honest chance and got some practice out of it as well.

But if all she can be to you is just a mark on the character sheet of your life, another XP in the grind to the next level? Call it off and save your energy for someone you’re actually interested in.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I spent my teens and 20s assuming that I was unlovable, specifically because I was unattractive, and mostly pining after men rather than dating them. Today, I’m in my 30s, and I’ve been married to a dude in his 40s for three years, together for six. When we got together, I was a wreck: anxious and in a loneliness-panic. My husband put up with my freakouts, and in return, I cooked dinner, packed lunches, filed his taxes, went on ice-cream runs at midnight, you name it–because I didn’t see why else he’d stick around. I didn’t talk to friends about my relationship, because he told me that he worried they would try to break us up. He set up Fridays as the only night that we were allowed to do things with people outside the relationship. (When we met, he had one friend, his last ex. They drifted apart, and now he has none.) We bonded primarily over past traumas, sadness, and loneliness. He was affectionate, but with a much lower libido than mine. There wasn’t a lot of physical chemistry, but I figured that since everyone I was super attracted to either rejected me or turned out to be awful, it was more logical and sustainable to be with someone who was all about me but didn’t really stoke my fire.

We hurried up and got married and bought a house when his job was in jeopardy, because we soon wouldn’t have the money. His job ended (through no fault of his own) not long after, and he spent two years unemployed. He decided in the second year to go back to college full-time, but didn’t want to work during school due to academic anxiety from past bad experiences. I tried to make it work because I felt so bad for him. My income, however, was not enough. We burned through savings and racked up credit debt, and he’s only in the last few months picked up a part-time job after a year of my nagging. He’d only recently started pitching in with things like yardwork and grabbing the occasional grocery from the store, and agreed to take on more than half of the housework after multiple fights, but that has all but halted since he’s started working.

I finally started talking to friends only after they noticed that some things were messed up and approached me with concern, about a year and a half ago, and a year ago I started therapy. My friends and therapist have also helped me see some manipulative stuff that I somehow never noticed–like how I was upfront from date three that I don’t want kids, but he had me considering them after telling me repeatedly that I was mentally messed up to not want any, then told me I pulled a bait-and-switch when I maintained my conviction. Or like how he told me when I expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship that he didn’t think my feelings were really about him, but transference of work stress. Or how he thinks my therapist is bad for me and is encouraging me to leave him.

But the thing is, as I’ve been gaining self-esteem in therapy, I’ve been establishing boundaries and told him how much things aren’t working, and he’s actually starting to shape up a bit. He doesn’t try to stop me from seeing friends anymore, he’ll fix his own dinner if I’m not home, and he tries to actually talk and connect more. I appreciate all of these things–but I still want to leave. I am mentally and emotionally checked out, and trying to seem like I’m not has wound my anxiety levels to eleven.

I guess my problem is that I feel like since he is trying, and we’re married and not just dating, that I’m obligated to give it a shot. I’m not a passive victim here, but entered into this of my own volition, and your average Wednesday is fine and conflict-free. I did encourage him to go back to school, he has over a year left, and my leaving would leave him in a bad financial spot, especially since he has no friends or family in the area. How much responsibility do I have, ethically? Am I being unrealistic or unreasonable for wanting something more, someone I can feel deeply in love with, when he’s working on the things I said were problems? Am I bailing too soon? Am I being too unforgiving? And if I do bail, how do I do so as compassionately and harmlessly as possible?

Thank you for reading this huge, long letter.

Signed,

Wishing for a TARDIS 

DEAR WISHING FOR A TARDIS: Let me ask you something, WfaT: how long are you willing to wait until you feel like you’ve given him enough time? How long is it going to be before everything is exactly perfect and you can leave without feeling like you’re abandoning him or not giving him a chance? One month? Six months? A year? Five years?

Are you willing to swallow that feeling of climbing the walls, shoving your real feelings deep down into a hole where it can just give you nightmares, an anti-anxiety prescription and a bleeding ulcer? Faking a smile until your cheeks hurt? Are you willing to put up with him gaslighting you and trying to separate you from the people who’re making you stronger – like your therapist – until you’ve assuaged your sense of responsibility?

Look, you picked someone who was wrong for you and who was more than a little manipulative and emotionally abusive. The fact that you went with the wrong person doesn’t condemn you to be stuck with them for the rest of time. You’re allowed to make yourself a priority, especially when staying in a relationship is only going to make you miserable and leave you worse off than you were before. The fact that he’s improved doesn’t mean that things are fixed or that he’ll become Mr. Right; sometimes the incompatibilities and flaws are deep enough that there’s no fixing them, no matter how much work anyone puts in.

And don’t forget: leaving a relationship because you just want out is a legitimate reason to leave. 

Your relationship is over. You know this. The only thing left to do is start the paperwork and make it official so your new life can begin.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m a 30 year old guy who was sexually abused as a child by a woman. When I was younger, dating and even flirting with women brought about anxiety and a vague sense of dread.

A few years ago, I got myself into therapy, started being more mindful of things that trigger me and subsequently got much more confident around women. I’ve been doing the online dating thing for the last couple of years and it’s generally been a good experience. Even when the women haven’t been a good match for me, I’ve generally enjoying meeting and talking to new people.

As a result of my abuse though, I’m not really capable of physical intimacy with women until I get to know them a bit and feel comfortable around them. I usually tell them that, “I just want to take things slowly,” since I don’t feel like disclosing my abuse to people that I’ve just been on a date or two with. Unfortunately, many of the women are totally baffled by a guy who turns down sex and they often get upset.

The last girl I went on a few dates with actually called me a f

t for not wanting to sleep with her. Is there a way that I can communicate my boundaries while making it clear that I’m still interested? Thank you Dr. NerdLove you’re my only hope!

Signed,

Don’t Know What to Say

DEAR DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY: First of all, DKWTS, I’m sorry for what you went through and I’m proud of you for not only having survived it but for having been strong enough to get help and work through your issues. It’s entirely understandable that you have scars from your experience – after all, you went through hell! – but those scars aren’t something to be ashamed of. They’re proof that you’ve been through the s

t and came out on the other side.

So far, you’re doing the right thing for you: taking your time and establishing a level of comfort and trust with the women you’re interested in and that’s good. You’ve got every right to want sex on terms that make you the most comfortable and feel safe. From the sounds of things, it sounds like you’re having two issues. The first is communication. It’s a social trope that all guys are horny at all times and can’t wait to bone. Sometimes when a guy wants to take things at a slower pace, this gets read by others as “not actually interested”. Now you don’t say where your limits are and depending on how you’ve set them, this may cause some confusion; if you’re uncomfortable with, say, kissing or making out, it’s understandable that – even when you say you want to take things slowly – that women may feel as though they’re getting mixed signal, especially on the first couple date. If there’s no sign of physical chemistry, even a good night kiss, then your date may think you’re just not interested in her at all or that you’re only interested in her as friends. If you’re setting the bar towards heavy fooling around (mutual masturbation, oral, etc.) or penetrative sex, then it’s a bit easier to explain.

Either way: you want to say more than just “I want to take things slowly”. Frame it as being part of who youare, not anything about them. Say “Hey just so you know: I think you’re amazingly hot and incredible and I’m attracted to you, but I really prefer to go slow when I’m with someone I really like. It’s just my thing.” And you leave it there. It’s short, simple and respectful. It won’t be a big deal because you’re not treating it like a big deal, and others will take your lead. If they push for details, just reiterate: “Its just my thing”. You don’t need to explain or justify it. The women who are right for you will understand and respect that. When you do have that level of trust and comfort, you’ll have established that attraction and you’ll seem like you’re just practicing restraint or are the sort of person who has a slow-burn rather than not being interested. When you know them better and feel comfortable with them, you can explain. But until then: “It’s just my thing. It’s just how I am. That’s all. No big deal.”

And by the by, DKWTS, thank whatever gods you believe in that you didn’t sleep with that last girl you mentioned. Between tossing “f

t” out as an insult and berating you for having boundaries, you very clearly dodged a massive bullet. Her awful attitude and behavior is on her, not on you. That woman volunteered her status as an a

hole right up front and life is too damn short for dealing with (or dating) a

holes.

But you see: that’s the great thing about having boundaries: you filter out the a

holes who don’t respect them or try to push past them.

Good luck!

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My now ex-husband and I had a threesome. It was always a fantasy of mine to be with a woman. I wanted him to just watch but he said I was being selfish so I said he can join. Not only did he penetrate but he also ejaculated inside of her and that tore me up. I did agree to the threesome but seeing him finish with her was something I could never forget it. Was it wrong of me to feel like that if I’m the one who initially wanted it?

Conflicted

DEAR CONFLICTED: Oof. Remember what I said about a

holes pushing past people’s boundaries earlier? This is what it looks like.

Conflicted, the way you feel is entirely correct. An important part of any successful threesome is establishing firm rules and guidelines BEFORE you’re in the bedroom – and preferably before you’re connecting with your third. The reason for this is because you ideally want to avoid what happened here: people get hurt. Now you haven’t given me much information to work with – you don’t say whether you established that this was supposed to be about just him watching you be with another woman or you all decided this in the moment. As a general rule of thumb, it’s a bad idea to decide on rules while you’re all naked and horny; what seems like a great idea in the heat of the moment often is the cause for regret later on. But even if communication was poor, there’s a LOT of badness involved here.

You established the rules for your encounter – you wanted your ex-husband to watch while you were with your guest star. Your husband decided in the middle of things that he wasn’t cool with this and demanded to be more active. This is a HUGE no-no: no changing the rules in the middle of things. If you want to do things differently, you do it again. But changing things up before everyone’s had a chance to think it through is a bad, bad idea.

The fact that he was pressuring you into changing the rules – calling you selfish and implying that you owed this to him – is supremely sh

*ty behavior on his part.

The other mistake made here was your husband finishing in your guest. This is a really bad idea for a couple’s first threesome, especially if they’ve been strictly monogamous up until now. The generally accepted rule for threesomes: the primary couple gets most of the attention – including his orgasm – unless explicitly and specifically negotiated otherwise. As you found out the hard way: making decisions in the moment can lead to people being hurt.

So, no Conflicted, it’s not wrong for you to feel hurt. Your husband’s actions were selfish and inconsiderate at best, actively s

*ty at worst and ended up causing you pain. Sounds like you’re well rid of him. If you decide to have another threesome again in the future – and honestly, I can hardly blame you if this experience turned you off them entirely – make sure it’s with people you trust and establish the ground rules long before your clothes come off.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m going to start by saying I think you writing is just great, you bring knowledge PUA yet at same time temper it with real sensitivity and respect for women. Your article ‘Creep Week – How to reform creeper’ resonated with me deeply and I’ll think you’ll see why once I share the story of a recent screw up I made. And, boy did I screw up. Over the past decade I have been, nearly all the time in long term relationships. At the very start of each these relationships I did something for the girl in question, which had always been appreciated and enjoyed by them. I would write a short story – erotic fiction – that would feature both of us and be explicit but nothing too kinky. This would invariable take the relationship to a sexual place very quickly nearly every time.

My last girlfriend (of ~3 years) was a sexually liberated woman who put me in touch with my dominant side. She would often encourage me to be more extreme in bed especially in the things I would say to her. She ended the relationship about 2 months ago.

I joined tinder and started dating again about 3 weeks ago.

I met a very attractive girl, who gave me her no, we texted each other for a while and she asked me to connect on facebook with her. When I asked her on a date seemed genuinely excited at my proposition. The first date went about as well as you could expect, we had a meal, talked for hours and kissed at the ended, arranging to met a few days later for lunch.

Lunch date went well and she invited me over to her place Tuesday the following week, and I said I would cook for her. And this is where I made the 1st big mistake. Yes, you guessed it, I went her wrote an erotic fiction short story. I asked for her email address saying that I had written something for her that would be unsuitable for work. I sent it.

She texted back saying that it was weird and she didn’t want to see me again and unfriended me on facebook.

My 2nd mistake:

I tried to apologize by email but guess I had not fully realized the distress I had caused this girl, or was apologizing for the wrong reasons. She replied to the email saying i was a creep and a pervert. She told me what I had written was an ’emotional invasion of privacy of such a personal nature’. She said if I came near her or tried to contact her again she would have up on a sexual harassment charge.

It was only once I read that I completely understood what I had done.

I had completely and utterly, rode rough-shod over this girl’s boundaries and committed a criminal act in the process.

Lessons I learned from this:

Never, ever again will I send a girl erotic fiction unless I have their expressed permission to send them explicit written material.

Slow the hell down and learn to chill.

My questions to you Doc are:

1. I am broken? Is my inability to recognize and respect this girl’s very basic and obvious boundaries a sign that I should seek professional help? Bear I mind that I not been called or acted like (I think) a creep in over a decade.

2. I know I should not use excuses for my behavior but do you think I could have been carrying around behavior I had learned from my last long term relationship, which was deeply sexual in nature?

3. Should I not date for a while, get myself off tinder and just spend some time by myself? I still feel a desire for intimacy in my life and I miss the emotional and physical connection of being with someone. I am currently dating, in contact with a few women, nothing serious yet though.

4. How can I be more aware of a woman’s boundaries so I don’t push past them again and balance that with the dominant sexual side of my personality that has been awoken by my last relationship? Or is that dominant side the source of my new creepiness and something I should be seeking to rid myself of?

Regards

Creeps Anonymous

DEAR CREEPS ANONYMOUS: It’s good that you’re recognizing that you did something wrong and are trying to take responsibility for it CA… but you want to fix things then you should focus on what actually went wrong instead of spiraling into the self-flagellation-fest you’re engaging in. Unless you recognize WHY she was creeped out, it’s hard to take measurable steps to not do so next time.

Here’s what happened: you jumped the gun. HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S

T you jumped the gun with your little gift. You had gone on a couple of dates with a bit of kissing at the end. All well and good but then you jumped about a dozen steps ahead – not just trying to start sexting with her but personalized erotica. I want to emphasize this: this is before you’d even gotten to the “sloppy make-outs” stage, never mind “random sexy gifts” or even “seen each other naked” stages. This actually leapfrogs well past “unsolicited pics of your junk” and straight into “it puts the lotion on it’s skin or else it gets the hose again”. It’s no wonder that not only was she seriously wigged out by this – damn near anyone is going to be freaked out when somebody they’ve only seen twice casually is sending them detailed sex fantasies.

So it’s not just that you pushed past her boundaries, it’s that you were massively inappropriate and apparently unaware of the message you were sending to her. Even if we try to view things in the best possible light, it makes you out to have low social intelligence, which is a very unattractive trait.

There’s nothing wrong with being sexual, sexually expressive, kinky or dominant, but part of making any of that work is understanding when it’s appropriate and when oh HELL no it isn’t. And telling somebody what you want to do to her when she’s not given you any indication that she wants to know? That’s an “oh HELL no” situation.

It’s great that your previous relationship was that sexual CA, but you need to remember that it was your previous relationship. Each relationship is going to be different, and those early stages are for finding out whether the two of you are on the same page in what you’re looking for. Just as you don’t send pictures of your junk without clear signs that they’d be welcome, you don’t send personalized erotica to someone who hasn’t asked for it.

I can’t give you any specific rules – no custom smut before X dates – but I will say that if you two haven’t actually had sex or done things that make it clear sex is in the cards, then keep those stories to yourself. Once you two are at a point where you know that she’d find it hot to get those stories… then you send them. And if you’re ever unsure whether that’s something they’d be interested in? Ask.

In fact those are good rules when it comes to consent: when in doubt, just ask. And if you need a creative outlet for that erotica… well that’s what anonymous Tumblrs are for.

Just, for the love of God, don’t write and share porn about people you’re dating without their permission.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I made a terrible mistake and accidentally got myself into a relationship with a friend. I need to apply the brakes with her to (at least) slow things down before getting into a serious relationship.

Yesterday I was having Easter dinner with my family, and an old friend from high school. We are both nineteen years old. Everything was going well and eventually the family ranks thinned out as they went to bed or drove home, leaving myself and my friend in the living room. We were talking for a few hours and she eventually got tired and lay her head on me and we continued to chat for a bit. Eventually she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. She was very nervous, and I have never been kissed before and it was so exciting that we kissed each other on the mouth a couple of times and basically agreed to have a relationship right there and then. About thirty minutes later my uncle and I drove her home agreeing to see each other again soon, I have not told anyone else about this.

The next morning I realized I had made a mistake. The first thing is that this is the first time I have been with this woman since the summer of 2015. I knew her throughout the last year of high school and were good friends then. I had considered asking her about half way through the year, but she went out with another man (she ended that relationship a year ago, and I am not aware if she has been in a serious relationship since then) which ended any thoughts of me doing so. As what often happens when a friend gets into a relationship, she began to distance herself from me. We had texted one another for long periods off and on since then (she is going to the same college as I in a few months), but overall we have not been in serious contact. When she came through the door of my house last night, she was a friend, when she left, she was my girlfriend. The second problem is that I was not at all preparing for a relationship mentally or emotionally. I had not thought of being in a relationship with anyone for months, and now in an instant, I am in one, and I am not sure what to do.

We are due to meet in early May at my place (I live with my parents), and I need to find a way to slow things right now, quickly. I love being around her, and I did enjoy kissing her, but I am not sure if I want to be in a romantic relationship with her, and I for sure know that I do not want one at this very moment (at least, without any kind of preparation). I know I made a terrible mistake, and I should never have led her on nor kissed her, but I need some advice on how to say to her that we need some time to figure things out, without pushing away a friend.

Sincerely –

Rock and A Hard Place

DEAR ROCK AND A HARD PLACE: Did you ever see that Seinfeld episode where George accidentally promises his secretary a raise in the middle of sex and then spends the rest of the time trying to find out how to take it back? It’s one of my favorites because it illustrates a universal fact: people tend to say things they don’t actually mean when they get carried away in the heat of the moment.

In your case, you and she were caught up in the awesomeness of your make-out session and while your hormones were surging and blood was starting to flow away from your brains and to your junk, you made some decisions that you wouldn’t have made if you’d been thinking clearly. This doesn’t mean that kissing her was a mistake, mind you… just a reminder that it’s a good idea to not make any decisions when you’re horny. Or as my father once told me: “Son, a good lawyer is worth twice what they’re charging you.”

No wait, wrong fatherly aphorism. It was “Never make promises to a woman while you’re naked.”

So now you know: next time, enjoy the make-out but don’t make plans.

But that’s for the future and you need to deal with the here and now. And what you need to do is use your words. Hell, all you need to do is tell her what you just told me: You love being around her, you enjoyed making out with her and you want her in your life but you don’t know if you want to date her or anyone right now. I would leave off the “it was a terrible mistake” part because a) no, it wasn’t and b) that is going to make her feel like crap.

And here’s something you may not have considered: she may feel the same way you do. She may well feel the same awkwardness and doesn’t know how to bring it up to you.

So take a deep breath, preface things with “OK, this is going to be a bit awkward, but I need to put this out there” and just lay it out like you told me. Yes, it’ll sting. She may want some time apart to process how she feels. Or she may say “Oh thank God you said it first.”

But it needs to be said. Before she visits.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)