DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a question that is somewhat outside of the normal range, but I respect your view point and I have no one else to ask. In brief-ish, narcissist gas lighting mother is dating the guy that molested me as a small (under 5) child. I haven’t spoken to her in three years, and my dad in almost as long as his response when I tried to talk to him about it was “get over it already.” He is 2nd adoptive step-father, so he wasn’t around at the time. I am 36 and I have three younger siblings, 31, 24, and 18. The youngest is a senior in high school, the 24 is so stunted (thanks mom!) he might as well be. The oldest has already once broken my rule about providing our mother with my contact info. That’s the history.

Here is the problem. I am getting married next spring. My initial urge is to not tell anyone. But I very much want at least one person at the wedding that has known me longer than 3 years. At my first (baaaaaaad choice) wedding, my sister closest in age was a giant a

hole about the whole thing. Admittedly she was 14, but that’s just how she is about most stuff. In her 20s she threw fit on Christmas because the baby of the family got one more present than she did. She counted 15 vs 16. She is also the only person who could arrange for the younger ones to be here, as I live 1,000 miles away and have no money. I would also like to have my dad there, but I don’t know that I can trust him not to tell my mom. He is the epitome of the religious right wing privileged white man. Been supporting Huckabee since I was a teenager. Which is gross, but he does love me and would definitely hold a massive goddamn grudge if he finds out later.

So….what do I do? Get drama llama sister involved? Sneak out the younger ones and hope they can keep a secret? Risk my mother crashing my wedding? I’ve spent the last three years undoing a ton of damage to my psyche and I desperately don’t want to invite all the bulls

t back in. But I love my siblings very much. If none of them come, it will just be me and my partner’s friends and family. I don’t have any close friends, it’s hard to meet people when you are either crying or having panic attacks and can’t trust anyone.

Something Blue

DEAR SOMETHING BLUE: I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through with your family and the damage that it’s done to you over the years. It’s a tragedy when the people who are supposed to love and support you unconditionally are the ones who’ve hurt you the worst and the deepest. It’s entirely understandable that you cut off contact with your folks and that you have to keep the remainder at arm’s length; if you can’t trust them to respect your boundaries or not to leak your information to your mother, then keeping them at a distance is a necessary form of psychic self-defense. It’s sad that this is what you have to do to be healthy and happy, but frankly you have to put you first.

Before I get to your wedding questions, I hope that you’re seeking help with a counselor or a therapist. I understand that money is tight, but many counselors will work with you in terms of payment, and Captain Awkward has an excellent guide for finding low-cost (or even free) mental health care options on her site that I highly recommend you check out.

Now with that out of the way, let’s talk about your wedding questions. Your wedding is ultimately about you and your fiancee. As such, you get to decide what it means, how it’s going to happen and who gets to be there. If you want to have a simple signing of the license and call it good, then whip out the pen and get it done. If you want to have a private ceremony for just you and your partner and a backyard barbecue later for your nearest and dearest, then go for it! If you want the full fairy-tale wedding, then knock yourself out. This right to define your terms includes who gets to know beforehand and who gets to be on the guest list. Somebody else’s hurt fee-fees don’t trump your right to celebrate things the way you want and once you get into obligation invites, things can spiral out of control before you know it.

Now from a personal experience, I have had a close friend get married who had a family member that she absolutely did not want to come; this was a person who had committed actual assault on other members of her family at a similar gathering. The catch: this person was married to her uncle, whom my friend loved to pieces and would have been heartbroken not to have at the ceremony. So when she invited her uncle, not only was his name the only one that was on the invitation, but she reached out to him privately and explained that while he was welcome, his wife was not and if that meant that he couldn’t come, then she understood. Not having her uncle come was going to be the price of not dealing with the stress, drama and potential danger of having her at the wedding.

You have the right to do this too. You can invite the siblings and family members you trust and specifically leave out the ones you don’t, with instructions not to let them know until it’s fait accompli. There will probably be grumbles, but if you can live with that then that’s the price that comes with having them there. If you want to weigh the chances, you can reach out some tentative feelers to those family members you would want to attend – have some conversations about your relationship, your relationship with your mother and how this affects your plans for the future and see how they respond. If you feel secure in trusting them with more information, then you can make with the actual invitations.

Alternately, you are also perfectly welcome to give a carefully edited version of the truth (or just straight up lie): circumstances and monetary limitations mean an incredibly small wedding and limited guest-list of people who were already there; then you can have a simple post-wedding get together for select friends and family later when finances allow. I suspect this may be easier than convoluted levels of skullduggery, especially when you can’t trust certain members of your family to not leak the information to your mother.

I’m sorry I don’t have anything more concrete for you. You’re in an awful situation and there really aren’t any clean-cut or easy answers to your predicament. I just want to you make sure that you take care of yourself first and foremost; you don’t need the toxic members of your family doing any more damage to you than they already have.

But there’s other thing I want you to consider: we have two families in life. We have our family by blood and our family by choice. Sometimes the two are the same. Sometimes they are not. Part of the point of a wedding is that you’re joining your partner’s family, just as they’re joining yours. I presume (and I hope) that your partner’s family loves and respects you and that you love and respect them – this is part of what makes them your family by choice. While I totally understand not wanting your side of the metaphorical aisle to be empty, if you can’t risk the damage it does to you then it’s not worth it to have them there.

But their absence doesn’t mean that your family won’t be there… it just may be that it won’t be the ones you share blood with.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a problem (or more likely, a laundry list of them, haha): I can’t stay interested in a guy for longer than a couple of months after we start a relationship. And it’s not just losing sexual interest. In the beginning, I am completely happy to boink like bunnies at every available opportunity. But at the end, my sex drive is still high and totally functioning, I just don’t want his assistance anymore. Most of it is that all the things that seemed minor and easy to look past in the beginning while everything was sunshine and puppies starts to really drive me nuts and seem like insurmountable obstacles that, frankly, I don’t have the emotional investment to even want to try. Like the fact that a guy (like my current BF) just doesn’t have an opinion on anything or initiate anything. I’m as happy as the next girl to get to do what I want sometimes, but I hate being the one who has to make ALL of the decisions (including big things like being the one to ask him out or little things like what to have for dinner EVERY. SINGLE. TIME we go out). And I know that a solution could be reached, but I’m just not motivated enough to keep him to try.

And this happens every time I try a relationship. And it isn’t that I just don’t know them beforehand. Even with casual encounters I prefer to be friends first, much less trying a relationship. So I’ll have been friends with the guy and crushing on him for a month or two before I ever agree or try to initiate something more. And for a couple of months, it’ll go pretty well. But it takes me a long time to get truly attached to people. And in every relationship I’ve had, the man gets way more emotionally invested way quicker. And then they usually start to get upset that I don’t want to spend as much time with them as they do with me (even though I’ve told them from the outset that it takes me a while and that I’m one of those introverts who requires several human-free hours a day to unwind). And I resent their demands though I try to accommodate, and then get irritated over little things, and then run for the hills of singledom.

I’ve never even been in love. It’s starting to get me worried that I’m defective or something. Surely a 25 year old with an otherwise healthy social life and plenty of romantic opportunities should have fallen for somebody at some point by now, right?

I thought that maybe it was just that maybe I needed another introvert and the magic would happen. Current BF has the same level of social interest, is a great guy, and we even geekgasm over the same things. Plus I’d known and been friends with (and totally crushing on) him for a little less than two months before I asked him out. And the beginning was so promising! But yet again, after three months, I’ve hit that wall where I’m thinking, y’know, I’m not really that interesting. I have never, even in the beginning of any relationship when things are happy-fuzzy-funtimes, been emotionally invested enough to muster more than a vague sense of disappointment at the thought of a breakup. Am I broken?

I know that I do have some issues with emotional intimacy. My first real relationship threatened suicide if I ever left him within the first month of dating. (And really, what does it say about me that I left anyways?) The next one wanted both a mother and a girlfriend all rolled into one. (Which really bothered me since I’ve been completely self sufficient since 19 and am proud of it. I really value my own and any partner’s independence.) He repeatedly told me that I was the only reason he wasn’t getting back into drugs, and I had to very carefully extricate myself from that one, since he was also very emotionally fragile. So guys getting really emotionally attached rather quickly really freaks me out. And I’ve told everyone that I’ve tried to date this. I’m rather upfront about it. And they insist on doing it anyways. And once they start showing obvious signs, I get irritated at that, and then at everything, and then I just want to escape.

So any advice, Doc? Any way that I can possibly have a relationship that lasts into the longterm? Because while I’m not one of those girls who can’t be happy single, I do at times think I’d like to have a partner in life. Which results in me trying the whole relationship thing over instead of ignoring my crushes, which inevitably ends up with me feeling like a bitch for breaking up with yet another guy after just a few months. Am I doomed to serial short-term monogamy?

—Maybe I’m a Robot?

DEAR MAYBE I’M A ROBOT: I don’t think you’re defective, MIaR, I think you’re still working on your relationship style and needs. When someone is right for you, it doesn’t mean that they’re going to be right for you forever. Not every relationship is meant to be a long-term one, and the fact that you broke up didn’t mean that the relationship is a failure. Some relationships are just short-term by their nature; that doesn’t make them lesser or not valid. You may well just be a serial monogamist who has short-term flings and gets her emotional needs met through other means besides a long-term partner, and that’s totally cool, as long as you’re cool with it.

Now with all that being said: if you’re seeing patterns in every relationship you have, then you need to look at what they all have in common. And sometimes the only common denominator is you. And if you’re having the same issue over and over again, I think a lot comes down to who you’re picking and why. It seems to me that -based on what you’ve told me here – that you hold yourself back in relationships. It’s not without reason; your first two relationships were pretty bad, and you don’t want to get hung up in a bad situation again. Totally understandable. It could also be that there’s some part of you that thinks that you don’t deserve to be happy or to let someone in. This is a different situation entirely, and something you may need to work out with a counselor.

But regardless of the root cause, I have to wonder if you’re not necessarily dating people out of a sense of obligation that you should be dating someone and you end up picking people who’ll do, rather than someone you really connect with. If that’s the case, then I’m not surprised that you’re continually finding deal-breakers; you may well be subconsciously choosing people you know on some level aren’t a good fit because it makes it easier to leave them later. 

And if I’m right – and you’ll have to tell me, since you know yourself better than I do – then it’s no real wonder that your boyfriends get more attached than you do. After all, if you’re holding yourself back from opening up and really connecting with someone, then of course they’re going to fall for you faster and get more invested than you do.

If that’s the case, then the first thing I would suggest is to change your dating style until you’re ready to let people in. Right now, your boyfriends are going into this with the assumption that you’re both on the same page and looking for something that has the potential to be long-term. If you aren’t letting yourself open up to connecting and caring for them… well, you’re kinda dating in bad faith, and that’s not fair to them. It may be easier all around to stick to more casual dating then aiming for something more committed; without the pressure and/or expectation to be “official”, you may find that your interest lasts long enough that you feel comfortable opening up and investing in them.

Or, like I said, it could just be that you’re 25 and this is how you date for now. As long as you’re cool with it – and upfront with your potential partners about how you work so they can make an informed decision – there’s no real reason why you need to change if you don’t want to. The fact that this is how you’re dating now doesn’t mean that you’re going to be dating like this for the rest of your life, and it may be a while before you’re in a place where you’re ready for a long-term partner. There’s no cut-off point where you’re no longer able to have a life-partner and finding one in your late 20s (or 30s or 40s or any age) doesn’t make it any less meaningful or special.

So unless this really bothers you – not just in a “I should have an LTR” way – then it’s really not that big of a deal. If it does bother you and you want to change things, then do some soul searching, maybe talk with someone and work on it. If not then, hey, you do you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Do you have any tips or advice for screening out toxic/abusive partners from the dating pool? I’m talking about those who are well-rehearsed in appearing sincere, understanding and respectful, so it takes a couple weeks (months, years …) to see the red flags waving. For those of us who’ve been through the psychological wringer in the past, spending even just a few weeks with another such person can be re-traumatizing. By the time you’re starting to see the real them, you’ve also started to share yourself and become emotionally invested/vulnerable. What can you suggest to limit exposure to people who will take advantage of you and dick around with your head & heart?

– Wanna Be Pre-Cog

DEAR WANNA BE PRE-COG: One of the mistakes that a lot of people make is that we think that abusers look and act like cartoon villains. Sure, we all hear about superficial charm and all, but at the end of the day, we like to think that an abuser or someone who’s toxic can’t help but compulsively give away the game by being awful to everyone. This is one of the reasons why so many people don’t believe the victims of abuse; we hear about how “well he/she was always nice to me” or about what an awesome person they were and they can’t imagine their good friend WhatsHisNuts abusing their partner. Since we didn’t see them twirling their mustaches, flying away on a broomstick or turning into a character from Fury Road, we have a harder time processing the dichotomy.

(Now to be fair, it’s also hard to be willing to accept that hey, we were wrong about someone we thought was a good person. The cognitive dissonance between what we always believed about someone and what we’ve learned can be hard to process and that leaves a lot of people in a state somewhere between stunned disbelief and denial.)

But the truth is, abusers and toxic people are very godamn good at keeping those disparate parts of their personality separate. Sometimes this is a conscious choice; a strategy of abuse that they’ve chosen to adopt in order to isolate their targets. Other times, they may not be constantly thinking “OK, time to put on my Nice Face!” but they understand at some level that they should act one way to get a particular result around others and a different way around their victim. And while there’re are those who will overestimate things and drop their sweet facade early on, there are plenty who’re willing to play the long game… as long as they think it will get them what they want.

There’re a couple ways of protecting yourself from abusers and toxic relationships. The first is to recognize the common patterns and behaviors. Abusers will frequently “love bomb” their targets – overwhelming them with affection and praise. They want to establish themselves as The Good Guy/Girl, making their mark feel so special and cared for that they’re willing to ignore potential warning signs. In fact, this is an incredibly common recruiting tactic You may have noticed this behavior with people online, especially folks who get brought into toxic groups like the alt-right, GamerGate or ComicsGate; it’s a way of abusing the natural instinct to prioritize relationships that make us feel good. So if someone is far more affectionate and effusive than is really appropriate for your relationship – especially if you’ve heard bad things about them before – then it’s good to put your guard up.

Abusers will also try to isolate their targets from their friends and social circles. This is rarely overt, especially at first. Instead at first they’ll start to try to cast doubt on people you’re close to, especially people who might be the ones to tell you that this new person’s bad news. It often starts as “reasonable” questions that are designed to make you question the other person’s motivation. “Well of course he’s not happy you’re with me. He’s got a crush on you; he’s just jealous that I’m with you instead of him.” “I dunno, they seem like someone who starts a lot of drama.” The more they can get you to doubt the sincerity or motivation of people you trust, the less likely you are to go to them when you want confirmation that your gut says something may be wrong.

Abusers will also try to get you to doubt your own instincts and feelings. When we think of terms like gaslighting we think of overt or obvious lies – “I never said that,” “why do you make me do this?” What we often don’t think of are the subtle ways that abusers will try to undermine your confidence in your own judgment. This tends to start off with questioning your judgement calls or asking are you sure you didn’t contribute to the problem?Are you absolutely positive that’s what they meant? Maybe you misunderstood. The less secure you feel in your own instincts, the easier it is for them to twist things up so that things are your fault.

But the tricky thing about being on the lookout for signs of a toxic relationship or abusive behavior is that non-abusive behavior can sometimes trip those alarms and set your Spidey-sense tingling. And while well-meaning folks may do something that feels like it could be abusive by accident, inveterate abusers will be quick to give you very plausible reasons why their behavior is nothing of the kind.

Which is why the best way to protect yourself from abusers and toxic relationships is to build and maintain strong boundaries. Abusers aren’t like movie villains, who long to break someone’s will and will devote themselves to trying to suborn a specific person. They’re predators, and they don’t want to have to exert themselves to get what they want. Someone who’s not afraid to draw a firm line in the sand and refuse to cross it is someone who won’t be easy to manipulate. A person who will refuse to do things that they find objectionable, uncomfortable, or that aren’t their responsibility in the first place are people who are far less likely to swallow the abuser’s bulls

t. Yeah, telling this person “no” may risk the relationship… but the fact that you’re willing to take that risk is a sign that you’re someone who isn’t vulnerable to pressure or manipulation. When you’re not willing to let someone weaponize guilt against you or bulldoze your boundaries because “they know what’s best for you”, you’re showing them that their tricks aren’t going to work on you.

Now maintaining strong boundaries is hard. There will be people – from partners to parents  – who will resent and object to the fact that you feel like you can tell them “no”. Even people who we wouldn’t normally think of as toxic will object to the fact that you’ve decided to put your foot down. They will argue with you and badger you and try to guilt or shame you. Others will appeal to your sense of “fairness” or want to be oh so very reasonable. But you don’t need to explain, justify or otherwise give a “sufficient” reason for your boundaries. Your boundaries are not a democracy; you get to set them where you choose and nobody gets to tell you otherwise. Remember: “no” is a complete sentence.

The good thing is, once you’re in the habit of maintaining strong boundaries, you’ll have less to worry about. Having that sense of assuredness and willingness to stand up for yourself has the effect of driving abusers and toxic people away. While there may still be people who try to test your defenses, the people who stick around? Those will be the ones who understand your right to draw the line wherever you choose and who’ll respect it. They’ll be the ones who will show you through their actions that they’re people you can trust.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am now finding myself in a role I didn’t want, and that is of “the bitchy girlfriend.”

This is a relationship from which I cannot easily extract myself. My long-term partner and I have been friends with this guy for about 5 years. We’re all older, and when I say that I guess I mean “should be past this drama by now.”

Long story short, my partner and I were set to help this guy move into a new apartment on Saturday, mostly consisting of helping him get the heavy stuff up the stairs into his new place. I had had a minor medical procedure which involved anesthesia done on Friday. This procedure had been scheduled and planned for 3 months, so we all knew about it way ahead of time. It was agreed that I would be basically doing light things and holding the door.

The move went well enough and was done in short time. Our friend wanted to go to a bar and drink some beer. I requested someplace that served food because I was feeling slightly nauseated and drained and wanted some soup and ginger ale.

This friend of ours likes to crack jokes. And when I say that, it’s almost as if he is incapable of having any sort of even half-way serious conversation. And I don’t mean discussions about politics or philosophy – I mean normal conversation. Every other comment is a crack or a jab. It gets old.

He also does this thing that I really don’t understand. When the 3 of us go out (the two guys and then me), it’s almost like he targets me. And he did so this right after this move and was jabbing me about “always wanting food” and “she didn’t even do anything to deserve it.” My partner gently suggested that he back off, I had just had a procedure less than 24 hours ago and was feeling under the weather, and that was the cue for our friend to say to me, “so are we all done with it being all about you then?” And with that I just wanted to cry.

It’s confusing because he only does this when the 3 of us go out. If it happens to be just him and me (we’ve gone hiking together on days when my partner didn’t feel up to it), he’s absolutely fine. He only acts this way when my partner is there. And I realize it’s a guy thing to insult each other, to make fun of each other, and I get it. But for some reason, it’s always me who ends up the butt of the jokes. In the past, I would just smile and say nothing or roll my eyes, but the joke is worn very thin.

So now I have decided to put some space between us and not attend these outings with the guys. My partner acknowledged that the jokes go too far sometimes and to try to not take it personally, “it’s a guy thing,” but as I tried to explain to my partner – I’M NOT A GUY. I don’t like to be teased, I don’t like to be jabbed, and what he did felt like an attack. And I spent my entire first part of my life being put down for whatever was convenient – my eyeglasses, my big nose, my big feet, my voice, my clothes, my weight, my whatever. So yes, I’m sensitive and no one gets to say what should or should not hurt me. I have no problems cutting people out of my life, but this one is slightly different because he’s my partner’s friend too. I don’t care if the 2 of them go out together, actually now I’d rather they did, but they always invite me along and now I don’t know how to remove myself gracefully or to even understand something as simple as what the hell is wrong with him.

Don’t Want To be The Killjoy

DEAR DON’T WANT TO BE THE KILLJOY: Your partner’s friend’s an asshole, DWTbTK. Pure and simple. He may think he’s being clever and funny, but to quote John Scalzi, the fail-state of “clever” is “asshole”.

Why is he targeting you? Well, it could be because he’s threatened by your presence and the change in the dynamic that you represent after you started dating his bro. It could be that he thinks you’re oh-so-serious and need to loosen up. Or it could be that he’s going for the person he perceives as being the weakest in the social group. But honestly? The reasons don’t matter; even if he’s doing it because this is his twisted way of trying to show friendship, it’s still not cool. It’s cruel and it’s hurtful and you don’t appreciate it and he can knock it ALL the goddamn way off.

So here’s what I’d suggest. First: refuse the invites to hang out with both of them. Full stop. Don’t worry about bowing out gracefully; just stop agreeing to go, even if you have to be blunt about it. If your partner wants to know why, then you can tell him that it’s because his friend’s an asshole who won’t stop insulting you and you’re not in the mood for being his punching bag for the evening. It doesn’t matter if it’s a “guy thing”, you don’t appreciate it and you don’t want to go through it. If your partner tells you that you shouldn’t take it personally, then you can point out that it’s hard not to when it’s only directed at you and it’s relentless and, regardless, you won’t put up with it. Until he drops his schtick – not “does it to everyone”, not spreads it around more equitably but cut it out completely – you have no interest in ever hanging out with him.

And frankly, your partner should be willing to stand up to their bro and tell him to lay the hell off. The dude’s being rude and disrespectful and nobody likes it or finds it funny. If your partner wants you to be out with the both of them, then they can step the hell up and help end the reason why you don’t want to spend time with this choad.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year-old dude who’s had an existent but inconsistent and not very spectacular track record with women over my life. I’ve read your blog in the past, but have only recently begun looking at it extensively as part of a massive self-improvement kick. Even though I’ve only been reading it for a few weeks now, and it hasn’t yet lead to me picking up women, I’ve been working on incorporating a lot of your advice into my general social interactions and I’m already finding myself growing in confidence exponentially the more I apply it. So thanks!

With that said, I need some advice for a situation that has popped up a surprising number of times in my life. I call it the ‘c

kblock curse’; I find I might be chatting to an attractive girl who I’d like to have a shot with – usually in a small social event like a party or an outing with friends – then, as if God has sent an adversary purely to spite me, another guy neither I or the girl have met before comes up and starts chatting to her too, and next thing you know, there’s that awkward ‘I know you’re trying to gun for her but we’re not going to say anything and just act passive aggressive to each other’ vibe between me and the other dude. It feels like it happens almost every time I try to engage with a girl I find attractive, to the point where I’m almost genuinely starting to believe I’m cursed or have a big target painted on my back saying ‘easy competition.’

My problem is once that ‘competition’ – I hate using that word, but it’s the best one I can think of, I’m sure you could think of a much more respectful way to phrase it – is established, I don’t know where to go from there. I used to be super indignant when this happened, as it was my understanding due to BS concepts such as the ‘bro code’ that you never block another man while he’s hitting on a woman. Once I actually brought the woman’s agency into account (i.e. the idea that just because I spoke to her first gives me exclusive rights to hitting on her), my attitude changed radically, but now I’ve gone the complete opposite way to the point where when competition arises, I don’t know what to do, so I back down completely and let the situation go; and as I said, since it feels like it happens every single time I try to talk to a woman, it feels like a lot of missed opportunity.

Part of this is definitely self-confidence; I just automatically assume I’ll be ‘second best’ in such a situation, so I resign myself to failure before I even begin. However, a lot of it is also just not knowing what the best way to handle the situation is.

Obviously the woman’s agency is important and the ultimate decision comes down to her, including the decision to tell us both to piss off, should she find both of us grating; in fact, part of my hesitancy in such situations is because I’ve been on the receiving end of that outcome in the past, and being told both me and the other guy look like jerks is almost as embarrassing, if not even more so, than being rejected in favor of the other guy.

Another big part of it is how to treat the third party; should I engage positively with him? Should I be dismissive? Should I simply continuing engaging with the girl (assuming I’m doing everything else right) and just ignore the other guy? When such situations occur I often find the third party being passive aggressive towards me or overly showy about themselves, and I usually subconsciously respond in kind. Of course, that kind of showoff-man-ship never seems to work, but I still don’t know if that’s even ‘fair game’ or not.

Essentially I need an etiquette guide for such a situation; one that allows me to continue to respectfully engage with a woman or even the other ‘competing’ man without making myself look like a jerk, while not backing down at the slightest hint of competition. Any advice?

Regards,

Second-Best

DEAR SECOND-BEST:

First of all, let’s define some terms. There’re two types of events that guys tend to call c

kblocking. The first is when a woman’s friend or friends insert themselves into the conversation and pull the woman you were talking to away.

The second is when another guy attempts to hit on the same woman you’re flirting with.

In the former, this isn’t a case of people jumping in to ruin your night because “they’re not getting enough attention and they’re jealous” or “F

CK YOU, THAT’S WHY.” This is almost always a case of that woman’s friends having gotten the “come save me” signal and are providing her with a tactful way out of the conversation. The only thing to do here is try to figure out just where you may have made a mistake and not repeat it the next time.

The latter… well, that’s unfortunately part of trying to do cold approaches in venues like bars and clubs. Learning how to handle them is part of the necessary skillset.

You’re definitely right about the confidence part, SB. If you’re seeing yourself as a second-rate option who’s always going to get shut out if someone – anyone – else comes into the conversation, then yeah, you’re going to keep getting squeezed out of the conversation. So one of the first things I’d recommend is working on building up your confidence. I’ve got a few resources on how to boost your self-esteem quickly and over the long term on my site, which should help. The next thing I suggest is working on being more engaging; we prioritize engaging with people who make us feel good, after all. If you’re the one who’s making her laugh or telling amazing stories, she’s going to find you far more compelling than the other guy trying to muscle in.

Now you’re right: the last thing you want to do when someone’s trying to push you out of a conversation is to react directly to it and call him out. It makes you look petty and possessive –very unattractive traits in a person – and gives him the opportunity to flip it against you: “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about. We’re just chatting. Oh wait, am I stealing your girl? Oh, shit, I’m sorry! No, miss, you should totally date him; he’ll be like your BFF only a dude, you know?” Suddenly you’re on the defensive as he’s framed you as trying to pick her up while subtly mocking you. This is a bad place to be and unless you’re really good at verbal jiu-jitsu, it’s hard to come back from.

All that being said: you can squeeze somebody out when they’re trying to hit on someone you’re flirting with. You just have to know how to do it.

Now, don’t necessarily assume that he’s there to “steal” (for lack of a better term) the woman you’re talking to. You don’t necessarily want to start a competition where there isn’t one. He may very well just want to chat and your bristling any time any guy comes near is going to make you look insecure. One of the best things you can do in this case is simply befriend the guy. Include him in the conversation and build rapport with him and find some commonalities. You’re going to have to split your attention a little so that you don’t end up ignoring the woman you were flirting with, but when handled well, you can actually turn a potential c

kblock into a new friend – in fact, if you’re dealing with a large group of people, you can even end up recruiting your new friend into being an impromptu wingman, helping keep the others occupied while you focus on the woman you’ve been working towards hooking up with. Plus: hey, you’ve just made a new friend! How awesome is that?

But let’s assume that he’s rolling in with the intent on swooping in and blocking you. The easiest way to squeeze a guy out is through social dynamics. When he comes in and starts talking – especially if he ignores you and moves straight to the woman you’re talking to – make him turn to you instead. Say “Hey man, don’t be rude. Introduce yourself!” When he does, shake his hand, clap him on the shoulder and say “Cool, nice meeting you,” then turn your back on him, positioning yourself between him and the woman you’re speaking to. By doing so, you’ve effectively wedged him out of the conversation, putting him on the outside of your circle. Now his trying to get back in looks like a social violation – someone intruding on a private conversation.

Just don’t let him do the same thing to you; if he physically gets between you and the woman you’re talking to, he’ll have squeezed you out.

Another way of keeping from being frozen out is to be sneaky and simply own the conversation. Guys who are going to try to squeeze you out will be counting on your being passive and quiet while they become the new center of attention. Much like just befriending him, you want to engage him and – critically – get him talking to you instead of her and then be the one directing the conversation. The easiest way to do that is to be willing to cut conversational threads and bring up new topics: “OK cool. Oh hey, that reminds me, have you ever been at a bar when X happened? Awesome, check this out…” Using little check-ins with the woman you’re talking to – “you’ve seen this before, right? You know what I mean?” helps keep her attention on you.

Occasionally you’ll get the more aggressive guys who will bust your balls – verbally speaking. The trick there is almost always “agree and magnify”. For example: if he implies you’re just trying to pick her up, then take that thread and run with it. You’re not just trying to pick her up, you’re looking for a fourth girlfriend, but she has to be available on Thursdays because Saturdays are date night with number 3 and so they’re right out, but you MIGHT be able to pencil her in on Sunday afternoon. Other times it’s worth it simply to just move, especially if he’s being pushy. “Hey, let’s get another drink” or “I can barely hear what you’re saying, let’s move somewhere a little quieter” and escort your new friend away. But unless you’re in a particularly raucous bar or party, few people are going to be that much of a jerk and you can squeeze them out either through controlling the conversation and body positioning.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)