DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve only just discovered your column and I really hope you might provide some advice on this – I’m honestly not sure how to work my way through it.

I’m a white woman dating an Asian man; we’re both in our 30s. When he upgraded his laptop he gave me his old one, which was very kind of him, but he didn’t delete his browser history so I’ve ended up finding out what kind of porn he’s into – specifically, skinny girls getting pounded by men with huge dicks. A lot of it is straightforward interracial stuff like Blacked, but I’ve also found fantasy CGI websites and text stories about elf girls being dominated by wolf men and centaurs.

We’ve been together for four years. As far as I can tell, we’re very happy and our sex life is healthy and satisfying. I honestly don’t care that he watches porn, I do too after all! And people have a right to their kinks as long as no-one’s getting hurt and it’s not illegal. But this seems like such a specific kink that it makes me wonder if I’m… failing him somehow? I have no complaints about his size whatsoever, but my height and build mean I’ll also never be a little elfin slip of a girl next to him. Does him having this particular kink mean something? Am I destined to never be quite what turns him on? How do I deal with that? Or am I just overthinking things?

I know I should probably talk this through with him directly, but how do you even bring something like this up without it sounding accusatory? I’d be really grateful for your perspective.

Thanks for your help,

Confused And Probably Overthinking

CONFUSED AND PROBABLY OVERTHINKING: One of the biggest misunderstandings people tend to have about their partner’s tastes when it comes to sex partners is the idea that a person only likes one type exclusively. Person X likes willowy, androgynous blondes while Person Y likes big, burly men while Person Z prefers women who are into bodybuilding and Crossfit, etc.

Except that our junk doesn’t necessarily work that way; we may have preferences sure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like other people too. For example, a person who likes voluptuous, zaftig women may well date a petite spinner. This doesn’t mean that they’re going to feel as though they’re missing something for not being with someone with their ideal body type or that they’re not turned on by their partner.

Similarly, what we masturbate to doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of something in our lives. The fact that a person may be spanking it to porn stars who don’t look like their partner doesn’t mean that they’re dissatisfied with their partner. Not only do humans like variety and novelty when it comes to who we sleep with – which we may fulfill through porn – but also sometimes what gets us off isn’t necessarily about what’s on screen as much as what it represents.

Let’s take your boyfriend’s porn habits, for example. There could be any number of things at play between your partner’s ears while his hands are between his legs. It could be that there’s something about the racial dynamics at play in interracial porn – a lot of interracial porn plays up a lot of ugly racial issues and stereotypes – and the implied taboos might do it for him. Moving from interracial to interspecies heightens things; now it’s not just race issues, it’s even more extreme.

It might also be a power and dominance thing that’s tickling his fancy. Huge junk/tiny girl can hit a lot of buttons for people, whether there’s age-play involved, the sense of dominating and overpowering the receiving partner or the idea of being that potent and virile.

Or it could be a big mix of all of it together. Sexual desire, kink and arousal is a multi-axis phenomena; sometimes you want just one thing, other times you take a bunch of great tastes (as it were) and see if they taste great together.

The only reason to think that things are a problem is in how the two of you are together. If he’s neglecting you to masturbate instead or finding more and more excuses to not have sex with you, then you might have reason to suspect that he’s not happy with you or your sex life together. But, again, that doesn’t mean that you’re not his preferred type; that’s just as easily a case of sexual incompatibility as it is his wishing he were a big strapping centaur and you were his tiny elf-maid.

If you want to talk about his porn with him, that may not be a bad idea. After all, sharing fantasies and turn-ons can do some amazing things for your sex life, even if it’s not necessarily things that you can actually accomplish – what with centaurs being a bit rare on the ground and all. But you don’t have to make it sound accusatory at all.

Instead, you can say something along the lines of “Hey, so you forgot to clear your browser history before you gave me your old computer and I found your porn and now I’m curious. So what is it that gets you turned on by this?” If you treat it as wanting to get to know him – or possibly even finding it intriguing, if the idea of what gets him hot gets you hot – then it won’t feel like you’re accusing him. It’ll feel more like someone wanting to hear about her boyfriend’s porn habit… and you may want to share some of your own closely held fantasies and fetishes in turn.

Good luck!

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a major believer in “don’t keep bothering her if she’s not interested”, so if I send a girl a message and don’t get a response, or we’ve been talking and I stop getting a reply, I move on.

There have been one or two exceptions over the years, but generally I follow that rule.

That’s the crux of it, though. I really have been on a couple sites for years, off and on. OkCupid, especially, even wiping my questions and starting over, I usually see the same faces pretty regularly.

At this post I’ve messaged most of the women that really stood out to me, and worse, occasionally I’ll see a profile I get impressed with, open the message tab, and see I sent them one back in 2015 or earlier, and totally forgot about it.

Is there a statue of limitations on “not interested”?

I mean, it’s been years, I’ve changed a lot, I’m sure they have, we’re both still single/single again. I don’t think I’m crazy to feel like there might be a chance that we’d click if we didn’t before.

Sincerely, 

Not Wanting to be That Guy

DEAR NOT WANTING TO BE THAT GUY: The thing to keep in mind, NWtbTG is that just as you’re seeing a lot of the familiar faces when you refresh your OKCupid matches… so is she. Odds are good that she’s seen that you’re still on there too; if you have a relatively high match %, then odds are good that the site’s algorithms are throwing the two of you at each other fairly regularly.

So it’s not as though she won’t have had the opportunity to reach out to you if she’s changed her mind. If you haven’t seen her crop up in your “recently visited you” page or gotten other indicators of interest (especially, say, a like), then in all likelihood, things haven’t changed that much since your last attempt at reaching out.

If you want to try to push the issue slightly, you could see about baiting her into a response by visiting her (and letting her see that you visited, if you’re using incognito mode) or giving a like and see how she responds. If she checks you out in return, then you at least have an opening to say “hey,” again.

But honestly: no answer is an answer and no signs of interest is generally a sign of no interest.  In all likelihood, the reasons she wasn’t into you the first time around are probably still in effect.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a best friend who is a guy and he has been my best friend since grade 1. I just realized this year that I had a crush on him. He is kind, sweet, and a great friend. I want to ask him to dance at our graduation dance but I’m to worried that it would ruin the friendship and I am nervous to. What do I do?

Some Kind of Wonderful

DEAR SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL: Best thing to do when you have a crush on someone: tell them and ask them out. “Hey, I know we’ve been friends forever, but I kind of have a thing for you and I’d love to go to the dance with you as a date; is that cool?”

In a worst case scenario, he doesn’t feel the same way you do… which sucks, because getting turned down sucks, but at least now you have an answer. You’re free to move on without having to spend time wondering “…what if?”

Now here’s the thing about not ruining your friendship with your confession: don’t. Yeah, I know this sounds like stupid advice, but the key to avoiding awkwardness when you’ve been rejected is to not make things awkward.

What makes things uncomfortable after you confess a crush on your friend is that your friend is now going to wonder what this means. Are you going to act differently around them? Are you going to try to avoid them? Does this change things? And if you want to avoid awkwardness, then the answer is: no. You show them that you’re the same awesome friend you were beforehand and that ultimately nothing is different between the two of you. Yeah, it’s a little embarrassing at first, even a little weird, but you can acknowledge that and plow through it.

As I always say: calling out the awkward kills the awkward. Once you address the elephant in the room and make it clear it’s cool to talk about it and laugh about it, everyone feels much more at ease again. It may take a little time for everyone to relax, but that’s normal.

So take a deep breath, pull your boy aside and let him know how you feel. You’ve got nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain.

Good luck!

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My bf and I had a threesome with a woman and it was good for our first time. I wasn’t attracted to her, but I knew he was and I wanted to give us the experience since we’d been fantasizing and talking about it for two years.

So the threesome was great. We both had fun, but the trouble started when the third started sexting my bf. He showed me and told her that we only do things together etc. So she stepped back, but she has kept texting my bf sexy photos, and texts that have sexual inuendos. And he has been dodging most of the advances with a few exceptions when he has flirted back. I know all of this because he shows me all the communications.

I have told him that this kind of flirting makes me very uncomfortable and that it hurts, but he says that it is harmless and that he won’t break our agreements which are that we only sleep with people together not apart. But it still makes me anxious and hurt.

I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Third Wheel

DEAR THIRD WHEEL: Congratulations on the fun sexy adventures, TW! Trying new things with your partner, especially things you’d both been fantasizing about, is a big part of keeping the spark in a relationship alive and healthy. However, the opposite side of trying new things is, well, ya gotta stick the landing too. And right now, your boyfriend… isn’t.

So you have two issues here: your boyfriend and your special guest star. The problem is that neither of them are really respecting the number one rule of threesomes, which is that boundaries are absolutely important. Your third is being pretty disrespectful with the way she’s acting; yeah, you all had fun sexy times, but she doesn’t seem to respect the fact that you and your boyfriend are a matched set. The fact that you had a threesome doesn’t mean that you’re cool with having her fooling around with your partner without you. Being sexually adventurous doesn’t automatically mean that you’re in an open or poly relationship. And frankly, the fact that she’s not listening when your boyfriend said “Hey, we only play together” is not cool.

However, your boyfriend isn’t covering himself in glory either, ‘cuz while he may have told her that you two only play together, he’s also not telling her to stop. I’m not surprised, honestly; being flirted with and getting sexy photos from someone you’re into is fun and strokes the ol’ ego. But just as a threesome doesn’t mean that the individual players get to do their own thing too, the fact that he’s not planning on sleeping with her (more on this in a second) doesn’t make what he’s doing OK.

Problem is that he’s rationalized this in his head; since he’s technically following your agreement, it’s all cool. But this is a letter-of-the-law/spirit-of-the-law situation here. The point of your agreement isn’t “everything that doesn’t involve your wang-wang going in someone’s hoohoo is permitted”, it’s “These are the things we agree to to maximize our emotional safety and the security of our relationship”. And what he’s doing violates that spirit.

In his mind, he’s being a good boyfriend by being up front about this. And to be fair: it’s good(ish) that he’s not doing this behind your back. Getting blindsided by this would, in all likelihood, be worse. But the fact that he’s open with you about it doesn’t change the fact that this hurts you. So no, he’s wrong: it’s not harmless because he is doing you harm by ignoring your boundaries and encouraging her to do so as well.

And honestly, while there are people who just get a charge from flirting and sending sexy texts and photos and don’t ever intend to actually escalate to full-on infidelity… right now, your husband’s behavior is making me think that there’s an “oops I tripped and accidentally stuck it in her” situation coming.

So here’s what you need to do. First, you and your husband need to sit down and have a serious, come-to-Jesus talk about her actions, his behavior and the point of your agreement. Successful sexual adventures, including threesomes, require feeling safe and secure in your relationship, and his behavior is damaging that. You made your agreement with certain assumptions in place. Since it’s clearly not working out as intended, the two of you need to revisit and amend that agreement if you want this to work. And remember, you are well within your rights to say “This isn’t working for me, and I think we need to stop.”

And you need to enforce your boundaries here. You have a right to say “the things you’re doing hurt me,” and to tell him that his flirting with her is crossing a line. The fact that it’s “technically” within the realm of what you agreed to doesn’t make it ok. Your agreement wasn’t carved in stone and sealed in blood. You can modify it as needed.

If he’s a good boyfriend, if he values you and he wants to have a life of sexual adventure and fulfillment with you? He’ll listen, understand and do better.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I first want to say thank you for the work that your site has done. My resolution for this was to improve myself and my overall situation in life. With your help and the help of some other great sites and books I have made great strides. My own place, a driver’s license, a promotion at my job in the financial industry. I feel like it has been a good year overall. Hell, I would even call it a great year.

To get to the point of my message I went on a date earlier this year, and was ghosted. No big deal, as you say no one knows you an explanation. Well about a month ago I get a message from this girl on Facebook. we become friends and start chatting, and she wants to go out on another date with me. One night she asks me to come over and cuddle. Well one thing leads to another and we end of up having sex (before we go on the date mind you) Now I truly didn’t think that we would have sex, but I knew it was a possibility. Afterwards she said she was surprised because I came off as so innocent and shy, but when I came over I became more manly man and more assertive. Which she liked.

I will be honest this was the first time I have had sex in seven and a haIf years so I got to thinking. I don’t know if this is something that I have been doing without thinking. I don’t consider myself a “nice guy” but I do try take things slow and I don’t want to push things in a relationship. It’s how I have always been. Plus I feel I’m overly cautious with relationships because of being burned in the past.

Are there things that I can do to not come off as so shy and nice which can be seen a turn off to women? I’m gonna be honest I really don’t wanna go another presidential term without having sex.

Thanks,

Seven Year Itch Scratched

DEAR SEVEN YEAR ITCH SCRATCHED:  Congratulations on doing so much better, SYIS! Here’s to hoping the years continue to be even better for you!

So let’s talk about your issue for a second. There’s taking things slow and being nice and then there’s being passive and indecisive. A lot of guys do this; they don’t want to risk making a mistake and getting rejected or making someone uncomfortable so they pull back so far that they end up never doing anything. And that can be ok if you’re dating someone who’s naturally the aggressor. But if you’re not giving any signals or taking any initiative… nothing is going to happen. Either people are going to assume you’re not interested, or that they simply aren’t going to be attracted to someone who isn’t ready to stand up and ask for what they want.

As you’ve discovered: being shy and not wanting to push things hasn’t worked for you. Being a little more assertive and confident did. Now I imagine it helped that you felt empowered to act on your interests, seeing as you were invited over for cuddling, which implied interest was there. But it’s the fact that you acted at all that makes the difference.

I think you see where I’m going with this.

Now don’t get me wrong: just as it’s possible to overcorrect by being nice to the point of being unable to function, it’s also possible to swing the other way and mistake “confident and assertive” for “being a galloping asshat“. Walking into every interaction crotch first ain’t gonna help any more than holding back and taking things so slow that you’re getting overtaken by geriatric snails. It’s very easy to push too far and be the guy who goes from zero to “wouldyoulikesomed

k” in 40 seconds.

So you need to find the balance between nice-but-passive and confident-but-overly-aggressive.

If you don’t want to spend another 8 years between partners, than I suggest you follow the path I call “Bang Like A Gentleman“. Own your desires – for sex, for a relationship, what have you – and accept that you have a right to want them and to pursue them. And then do so in a way that’s both assertive and respectful. Look for the people who want what you want, ask for what you would like, ask them what they would like and if the two line up… excellent. If not, then thank them for their time and move on.

You’re doing well, SYIS and you’re on the right path. You just need to keep moving forward.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So basically I met this wonderful guy over the summer. I’m a graduating senior at college and he’s in his second year of a three year grad program at the same university.

Background on me- I had 2 relationships in high school. They were long term and pretty intense. I was completely in love and I have just had experience with love and relationships. 1st two years of college I was super single, did not even have a sex drive. Junior year I started using TINDER and BUMBLE and all that good stuff and I was hooking up with a couple of guys and just exploring my sexuality. Also I’m a short Latina, as nerdy as they come.

Background on him- He has tons of childhood trauma and a complex relationship with his mom, mental health, friends, girls who hurt him, etc. Like he flat out told me he doesn’t know what love is and believes he never will know. He has a stutter so his insecurities follow him every minute. He was also a jock in high school and a frat boy in college, so he’s the tall cool athlete antithesis to me. lol.

So in summer we sort of clicked and within 2-3 weeks of talking, we started hooking up. I knew that he was different than the other guys I had hooked up with. We really met each other at an intellectual kind of level. On the surface it didn’t seem like we had much in common, but here we were, still going back to each other. He made it clear that he didn’t want a relationship or anything, so I mentally knew I wouldn’t be to him all that I might one day want.

So Fall starts, the school year starts, and we keep talking, seeing each other, going on dates, staying over his place, etc. Mid semester he brings up wanting to be exclusive, but a few days later he kinda freaks out and we agree to just keep going like we were. By the way, throughout this whole time, neither one of us was seeing other people. We talked everyday and saw each other regularly. For his birthday in late October I surprise him with a camping/cabin weekend (I rented a car and everything) and we just have an amazing time travelling with one another. After that he says he really wants to be my boyfriend and we’re both so happy to kind of admit to each other that we really like each other and want to be with another. Highs and lows happen, but the lows always bring us closer together.

In December, he came to Miami (my hometown) to visit me for New Years. He met my friends and family and even though it was all pretty scary, we kept being solid. By this point I know that I’m falling in love with him but I am just enjoying that process. While on the beach, he asks me to be his date to his brothers wedding in March, and I feel so good to start the semester with that since we both felt confident in our relationship.

Fast forward to now. The wedding was tons of fun and it was nice to formally meet all of his family from his dad’s side. We’re pretty steady and just incredibly happy. We both express gratitude and care to one another constantly and it’s such an incredibly solid and healthy relationship.

The thing is that I am absolutely freaking in love with him. I know myself. I have fine tuned my intuition. Even my best friends sees how in love I am. Half of me has this great hope that this is it, and we will keep being happy and grow together and half of me is terrified of how crushed I’ll be when I inevitably lose him.

The other thing is that he has expressed being so traumatized with the concept of love that I am certain that if I tell him, even if he feels strong feelings for me, he’ll freak out and go into a crisis, push me away mode. I don’t know how to explain how I know that, but I really do. Maybe he’ll need space for awhile and I’m fairly certain he’ll come back to me eventually after that, but I don’t know if I can handle someone reacting that way when I tell them I’m in love with them.

The other thing is that I am graduating, so in his mind he has always kept this in mind and made it kind of like a mental expiration date. I have told him many times that I want to stay here in Boston after I graduate (love you Florida but nah no thanks) and I am applying to jobs here, but I understand how he is still defensive about that, and wants to keep those walls up just in case I do leave.

So I do think that he is trying to keep his walls up to protect himself and that he is trying his best to not fall for me (he is also big on control and freaks out when he’s not in control, especially of his feelings). I totally get that and respect that. So I do think that if I were to accept a job here and start looking for apartments, etc, he would start to address those walls and maybe take them down. I think he’s absolutely worth the wait. I try to be patient for him because I know that his trauma and his mental health often just makes all this stuff harder for him to handle.

But my mental health is now at stake. I can’t listen to music without breaking down, I have to cry and sit with my emotions everyday at night before going to bed, because being in love with him and keeping that inside and having to suppress that all the time is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. It’s so overwhelming I can’t concentrate on my work. I know he would never want me to suffer silently when just telling him would bring me relief but I keep wanting to put him first and wait until he’s ready.

Should I wait until I find a job, apartment, etc here in Boston and reassure to him that I will be here and I want to keep being with him, or should I tell him now?

Stuck In Limbo

DEAR STUCK IN LIMBO: I pay a lot of attention to the language choices people make SIL. Call it a hold-over from having been an English major, but I find that word choice tends to provide insight into the writer’s state of mind.

Here’s what I’m seeing over and over again in your letter:

I think

I’m certain

Maybe

If

If

If

All of these are describing – not your relationship with him, not even his state of mind but your assumptions about his state of mind. You’ve built up a very elaborate scenario in your head that, quite honestly, doesn’t match up with the rest of what you’ve told me.

I think you may have done what so many people have done before: you honed in on a conditional statement your partner made back in the early days of your relationship and you’ve treated it like it’s set in stone. And y’know, it’s good to pay attention to somebody’s limits and boundaries – especially when they’ve established them early on – but the thing you have to remember is that things change. What may have been true at the start of a relationship – or even before you started dating – doesn’t necessarily remain true when you’re both deep into it.

One of the things I’m always telling people is that the Defining The Relationship talk isn’t carving commandments in stone tablets on the top of Mt. Sinai, it’s the start of a conversation. The rules you establish at the start of your relationship may work for you then, but relationships grow and change, just as people grow and change. What works for you then may not work for you now, but if you treat them as inviolate and inflexible, you make it impossible for your relationship to grow along with you.

And that’s kind of what you’re doing right now. You’ve taken things he said early on before you two were dating or as deep into it as you are now and treated them as if they were handed down from on high.

But let’s look at how he’s acting:

Starts by saying he doesn’t want a relationship – ends up in a relationship with you.

Asks to be exclusive

Acts exclusive even when you two haven’t explicitly agreed to it.

Goes on vacations with you

Invites you to meet his family

Invites you to be his wedding date

Constantly expresses care and gratitude for you

Call me crazy but that kinda sounds like love. Now maybe he’s afraid of the L-word1 itself, it’s hard to say. But it’s hard to say because you aren’t willing to talk about it with him. You’ve pre-rejected yourself based on things he’s said that don’t sound like they apply any more.

So what you need to do is stop talking to a loudmouth with a blog and talk with your boyfriend. It’s time for the Awkward Conversation, where you sit down with him and talk about your relationship, where it’s going and where you want it to go. And it may be easier to frame it as talking about your relationship than just saying “Bee tee dubs, I’m in love with you”, because hey, this way you’re talking about things at a step removed. Once you feel more secure about where things are going and what the future holds for the two of you, maybe then you’ll feel empowered to actually say the words instead of thinking them at him as loudly as you can.

And to be perfectly frank, it’s better to start having that conversation now instead of waiting until things are juuuuuuuust right. Because, SPOILER ALERT, they will never be just right. Until you confront the Days of Future Past vision you’ve got going on in your head, you’re always going to find reasons to put things off. It’s easier to keep kicking a scary conversation down the road than to have it, but that just makes it impossible to move past it.

So, it’s band-aid ripping time, SIL. It’s scary, it may sting at first, but it’s better done quickly and getting it over than it is to drag it out and make things more agonizing.

But honestly? I think you don’t have anything to worry about. I suspect that if you actually muscle up and have this conversation with him? His response will be “OH THANK GOD SOMEONE SAID IT.” Because I suspect he may have the same worries that you do.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My best friend is driving me crazy.

He is obsessed with women. He constantly talks about women’s bodies. Last week he even showed me his preferred type of eyebrow shape. WTF?! I have been a wing-person for him in the past, and when he sees a pretty girl, he doesn’t say anything. So when he goes on dates, he takes drugs so he can be “confident and outgoing”. Basically, I think he’s read so many dating articles on how to flirt with girls, that he can no longer be authentic.

Technically this is not my problem, but I don’t think I can continue being his friend because of his super unhealthy relationship to women. I will tell him “your hair looks nice” or “I like your outfit” and then he’ll turn around and say that women don’t find him attractive and don’t want to have sex with him. He’s gotten laid before and after a couple times, the women stop being interested. I believe this is because he treats them as objects in bed and can’t contain his excitement.

I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I confront him about the way he treats women that it will make his self esteem worse because he is sensitive to criticism. But at the same time, he keeps blaming women for his lack of sex and relationships, when it’s really his fault because of the way he treats, acts and behaves around women.

And if goes without saying, but his negative feelings about women, are just projects of his own negative feelings towards himself. What would you do in this situation? When I friend is getting in their own way and is blind to the cause?

Friend In Need

DEAR FRIEND IN NEED:  Being a friend isn’t always about support and just being there for someone. Sometimes being a friend means being the person who’s going to dopeslap someone upside their head when they’re being stupid. And while yes, it sucks that he’s sensitive to criticism and has low self-esteem, sometimes sweet words aren’t going to work to change somebody’s mind. It’s easier to brush off compliments – especially when one feels like the person giving them is biased – than it is to ignore the application of the Mallet of Loving Correction.

So here’s what I think you need to tell him: “OK, I will give you the blunt truth about what you’re doing wrong. Are you ok with this?” When he says yes, then you follow this up with “I want you to understand that I’m saying this with love and caring for you and I want you to understand I don’t think you’re a bad person but HOLY GOD YOU’RE BEING AN IDIOT. The reason you’re having these problems is because you’re being an inauthentic asshole and it’s pushing away the people who’d otherwise love to connect with you. If you’d let go of all the BS that you seem to think you need and just try being authentic and giving with someone, you might get people to stick around.”

And then you can slap a copy of my book New Game + into his hands and tell him to study it like gospel.

Honestly though, FiN, there’s not really much you can do to force someone to change their ways. I tend to side-eye the hell out of Alcoholics Anonymous for a multitude of reasons, but the one thing they get right is that people won’t change until they’re ready to. Sometimes that means they have to hit the proverbial wall. Other times it means that well-meaning friends need to smack the stupid off them instead of giving the more pleasant-if-not-as-helpful bromides that we tend to give instead, less we offend them.

If you do confront him over this, remind him that the issue isn’t that he’s a bad person or that these are things that are intrinsic to him. The problems he’s having are the choices he’s making, and he can make different choices.

But to quote the sages: even when choosing not to choose, you still have made a choice.  And he may choose that path because he’s not ready to change, yet.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)