DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve only just discovered your column and I really hope you might provide some advice on this – I’m honestly not sure how to work my way through it.
I’m a white woman dating an Asian man; we’re both in our 30s. When he upgraded his laptop he gave me his old one, which was very kind of him, but he didn’t delete his browser history so I’ve ended up finding out what kind of porn he’s into – specifically, skinny girls getting pounded by men with huge dicks. A lot of it is straightforward interracial stuff like Blacked, but I’ve also found fantasy CGI websites and text stories about elf girls being dominated by wolf men and centaurs.
We’ve been together for four years. As far as I can tell, we’re very happy and our sex life is healthy and satisfying. I honestly don’t care that he watches porn, I do too after all! And people have a right to their kinks as long as no-one’s getting hurt and it’s not illegal. But this seems like such a specific kink that it makes me wonder if I’m… failing him somehow? I have no complaints about his size whatsoever, but my height and build mean I’ll also never be a little elfin slip of a girl next to him. Does him having this particular kink mean something? Am I destined to never be quite what turns him on? How do I deal with that? Or am I just overthinking things?
I know I should probably talk this through with him directly, but how do you even bring something like this up without it sounding accusatory? I’d be really grateful for your perspective.
Thanks for your help,
Confused And Probably Overthinking
CONFUSED AND PROBABLY OVERTHINKING: One of the biggest misunderstandings people tend to have about their partner’s tastes when it comes to sex partners is the idea that a person only likes one type exclusively. Person X likes willowy, androgynous blondes while Person Y likes big, burly men while Person Z prefers women who are into bodybuilding and Crossfit, etc.
Except that our junk doesn’t necessarily work that way; we may have preferences sure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t like other people too. For example, a person who likes voluptuous, zaftig women may well date a petite spinner. This doesn’t mean that they’re going to feel as though they’re missing something for not being with someone with their ideal body type or that they’re not turned on by their partner.
Similarly, what we masturbate to doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of something in our lives. The fact that a person may be spanking it to porn stars who don’t look like their partner doesn’t mean that they’re dissatisfied with their partner. Not only do humans like variety and novelty when it comes to who we sleep with – which we may fulfill through porn – but also sometimes what gets us off isn’t necessarily about what’s on screen as much as what it represents.
Let’s take your boyfriend’s porn habits, for example. There could be any number of things at play between your partner’s ears while his hands are between his legs. It could be that there’s something about the racial dynamics at play in interracial porn – a lot of interracial porn plays up a lot of ugly racial issues and stereotypes – and the implied taboos might do it for him. Moving from interracial to interspecies heightens things; now it’s not just race issues, it’s even more extreme.
It might also be a power and dominance thing that’s tickling his fancy. Huge junk/tiny girl can hit a lot of buttons for people, whether there’s age-play involved, the sense of dominating and overpowering the receiving partner or the idea of being that potent and virile.
Or it could be a big mix of all of it together. Sexual desire, kink and arousal is a multi-axis phenomena; sometimes you want just one thing, other times you take a bunch of great tastes (as it were) and see if they taste great together.
The only reason to think that things are a problem is in how the two of you are together. If he’s neglecting you to masturbate instead or finding more and more excuses to not have sex with you, then you might have reason to suspect that he’s not happy with you or your sex life together. But, again, that doesn’t mean that you’re not his preferred type; that’s just as easily a case of sexual incompatibility as it is his wishing he were a big strapping centaur and you were his tiny elf-maid.
If you want to talk about his porn with him, that may not be a bad idea. After all, sharing fantasies and turn-ons can do some amazing things for your sex life, even if it’s not necessarily things that you can actually accomplish – what with centaurs being a bit rare on the ground and all. But you don’t have to make it sound accusatory at all.
Instead, you can say something along the lines of “Hey, so you forgot to clear your browser history before you gave me your old computer and I found your porn and now I’m curious. So what is it that gets you turned on by this?” If you treat it as wanting to get to know him – or possibly even finding it intriguing, if the idea of what gets him hot gets you hot – then it won’t feel like you’re accusing him. It’ll feel more like someone wanting to hear about her boyfriend’s porn habit… and you may want to share some of your own closely held fantasies and fetishes in turn.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a major believer in “don’t keep bothering her if she’s not interested”, so if I send a girl a message and don’t get a response, or we’ve been talking and I stop getting a reply, I move on.
There have been one or two exceptions over the years, but generally I follow that rule.
That’s the crux of it, though. I really have been on a couple sites for years, off and on. OkCupid, especially, even wiping my questions and starting over, I usually see the same faces pretty regularly.
At this post I’ve messaged most of the women that really stood out to me, and worse, occasionally I’ll see a profile I get impressed with, open the message tab, and see I sent them one back in 2015 or earlier, and totally forgot about it.
Is there a statue of limitations on “not interested”?
I mean, it’s been years, I’ve changed a lot, I’m sure they have, we’re both still single/single again. I don’t think I’m crazy to feel like there might be a chance that we’d click if we didn’t before.
Not Wanting to be That Guy
DEAR NOT WANTING TO BE THAT GUY: The thing to keep in mind, NWtbTG is that just as you’re seeing a lot of the familiar faces when you refresh your OKCupid matches… so is she. Odds are good that she’s seen that you’re still on there too; if you have a relatively high match %, then odds are good that the site’s algorithms are throwing the two of you at each other fairly regularly.
So it’s not as though she won’t have had the opportunity to reach out to you if she’s changed her mind. If you haven’t seen her crop up in your “recently visited you” page or gotten other indicators of interest (especially, say, a like), then in all likelihood, things haven’t changed that much since your last attempt at reaching out.
If you want to try to push the issue slightly, you could see about baiting her into a response by visiting her (and letting her see that you visited, if you’re using incognito mode) or giving a like and see how she responds. If she checks you out in return, then you at least have an opening to say “hey,” again.
But honestly: no answer is an answer and no signs of interest is generally a sign of no interest. In all likelihood, the reasons she wasn’t into you the first time around are probably still in effect.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a best friend who is a guy and he has been my best friend since grade 1. I just realized this year that I had a crush on him. He is kind, sweet, and a great friend. I want to ask him to dance at our graduation dance but I’m to worried that it would ruin the friendship and I am nervous to. What do I do?
Some Kind of Wonderful
DEAR SOME KIND OF WONDERFUL: Best thing to do when you have a crush on someone: tell them and ask them out. “Hey, I know we’ve been friends forever, but I kind of have a thing for you and I’d love to go to the dance with you as a date; is that cool?”
In a worst case scenario, he doesn’t feel the same way you do… which sucks, because getting turned down sucks, but at least now you have an answer. You’re free to move on without having to spend time wondering “…what if?”
Now here’s the thing about not ruining your friendship with your confession: don’t. Yeah, I know this sounds like stupid advice, but the key to avoiding awkwardness when you’ve been rejected is to not make things awkward.
What makes things uncomfortable after you confess a crush on your friend is that your friend is now going to wonder what this means. Are you going to act differently around them? Are you going to try to avoid them? Does this change things? And if you want to avoid awkwardness, then the answer is: no. You show them that you’re the same awesome friend you were beforehand and that ultimately nothing is different between the two of you. Yeah, it’s a little embarrassing at first, even a little weird, but you can acknowledge that and plow through it.
As I always say: calling out the awkward kills the awkward. Once you address the elephant in the room and make it clear it’s cool to talk about it and laugh about it, everyone feels much more at ease again. It may take a little time for everyone to relax, but that’s normal.
So take a deep breath, pull your boy aside and let him know how you feel. You’ve got nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)