DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m finally asking you for some insight in a little problem of mine, after having delayed this quite a while, because, well, my issue isn’t directly related to dating. Because of this, I don’t know how to start, so my best guess is to simply give you as much info as I can before jumping in the heart of the matter. (And I also want to thank you for this blog, like really really thank you. I can’t describe how much your work have helped me and is still doing so.)

So, I’m a 23 years old student, and I was pretty much the stereotypical, socially very awkward, shy guy back in highschool. Some bad familial crap was messing with me since, well, forever, and my only true friend was my awesome little brother. I just wanted to get the hell out, to leave all this crap behind me and so did I when I graduated and went to college. Long story short, reality slapped me in the face, and my studies where halted for nearly two years. When I got back to college, I briefly considered suicide, spoke about it to my brother, and my mother and him basically dragged me out of this pit.

In the last three years, many things happened : I’ve stumbled upon your blog, and began to try to improve myself, to correct my views about relationships in particular and life in general, I finally returned to a theatre class, I started hitting the gym and I even had my first relationship ! It was short-lived (like, two months), I made some mistakes (I’m quite ashamed of it but one of my reason for the break-up was the lack of physical intimacy. Which I find kind of dickish, even if breaking up was the good decision) and I understood what you meant by “find someone right for you, not because you’re alone”. This was 2 years ago.

Today I’m still celibate and a virgin, but not alone anymore. I’ve a good circle of friends (awesome people), I’ve came to terms with my envy of my little brother’s achievements, and I’m not anymore obsessed with finding someone, anyone. I’m happy, truly happy, for the first time in my life

And here is the problem Doc : 99 % of my friends told me that the first time we met, before we even talked to each other, they thought I was cold and full of disdain. Many of them even told I looked constantly sad, and it became kind of a private joke. And as ridiculous as it sounds, it upsets me. I’ve always considered myself as a warm person. Introvert ? Yes ? Not so talkative when not joking ? Sure. Easily “disconnected” ? I can’t deny it. My “sad” face ? It’s my neutral expression ! Hell, I’ve been convinced for a very long time that there was something wrong with me (as a person), a “stain” in my personality that drove people away, but how can I correct my neutral expression ?

I know it’s kind of ridiculous, but I don’t want to make people feel that way in my presence, Doc. I don’t want to be the guy-who-looks-so-sad-god-if-approach-him-I’m-gonna-fall-in-depression. I don’t want to be perceived as someone who is going to shut you down and humiliate you if you approach me, because it’s the opposite. Want to make my day ? Approach me, talk to me. So here is my question Doc : what can I do ? Despite all my work, all my efforts, I’m still driving off (inadvertently) other people. Now, to be fair, I know I’m making a big deal of it, but every time I’m told this, I hear “All your efforts don’t matter, all your work doesn’t matter, you’re still a person that nobody wants to know or be with. You upset other people.”

Thanks for reading, Doc.

Stressed About Descriptions

DEAR STRESSED ABOUT DESCRIPTIONS: First of all, SAD, I want to congratulate you on all the work you’ve been doing. You’ve been in a deep pit and clawing your way out of it isn’t easy. You’ve put in a lot of effort, you’ve worked incredibly hard and you should be proud of how much you’ve accomplished. You’ve even had your first relationship! Don’t downplay that dude, that’s huge!

So here’s what’s going on right now: all that work you’ve been putting in, has been paying off and you’ve leveled up. But reaching that new level comes with new challenges – challenges that you weren’t ready for previously. But now with all that work you’ve put in, you’re stronger, more resilient and – critically – emotionally healthier than you were before. So while it can seem daunting, it’s not insurmountable.

Now to break down what is going on here: your presentation is telling a specific story about you. It’s not necessarily any one thing, so much as a combination of things. From what you’re describing, it’s a combination of behavior and presentation that’s combining to send a particular vibe to the people around who don’t know you. And in all likelihood, it’s a matter of habits and presentation rather than anything inherently “set” about you. You’re quiet, you’re solitary, you’re serious and you have what would be described as a “melancholic temperament” in gothic romance novels. Which works great if you’re out on the moors, but you’re not.

Besides, Heathcliff was an a

hat and Wuthering Heights was crap. THAT’S RIGHT. I SAID IT.

Ahem.

So what you want to do is focus on how to be more approachable and not give off that “sad boy” vibe. And to start with: consider how you’re presenting yourself outwardly. How are you dressing? Are you wearing clothes that you can hide in – hoodies, caps and sunglasses? Are you doing the Elliot Alderson and folding yourself up into your hoodie?

What about your body language? When you walk, is your spine straight and your shoulders relaxed? Or are you hunched over and folded in on yourself? Do you tend to have your arms crossed, or are you letting your chest expand? If you’re sitting, are you bent over whatever you’re doing, or do you spread out and take up more space? The more you pull in on yourself, taking up as little space as possible and hiding in your clothes, the more you give off the “Don’t talk to me” vibe.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about your expression and your head. Are you making eye-contact with people, or are you trying to avoid people’s gaze? What are you doing with your face? You say that you’ve got resting sad face, which hey, happens. I can look overly serious if I’m thinking about things and that can make people worry if I’m upset. But if you’re both avoiding looking at people and you have a sad or upset look on your face, then people are going to think that you’re upset and give you a wide berth. Even the natural caretakers and nurturers aren’t going to necessarily want to step up to someone who seems like they’re determined to be alone with their demons.

Another big issue: are you putting barriers between you and the people you’re talking to? If you have a tendency to, say, put your backpack or messenger bag on the table in front of you, between you and the rest of the world, you’ve put up a literal wall. If you’re curled up around a book, your phone or your laptop, that’s another barrier.

And for that matter: are you out in the open where people can find you, or are you back in a corner somewhere? The more you’re out of the flow of traffic, as it were, the less people are even going to seeyou, never mind necessarily want to come over.

All of these things are part of how you signal that you don’t want to talk to people or that you’d rather be alone. Don’t want that? Then you need to start focusing on how to send the right signals. You know you’re a warm person, so you need to project that warmth.

Start with your expression. You don’t need to smile all the time – some cultures actually find that off-putting – but a lot of how we signal our mood and confidence comes from how we use our face. Keeping your eyes up and your eyebrows relaxed is a start. So is being willing to make eye-contact. You don’t need to stare people down, but not avoiding people’s eyes or looking away quickly if you do make eye-contact shows that you’re confident and outwardly focused. Look around you, acknowledge that other people are there. Give people a slight smile (one that reaches your eyes) and a nod when you see them.

While you’re at it, work on that confident, open body language. As you walk or sit, imagine that there’s an invisible thread attached to the crown of your skull, pulling ever so slightly upward. Let that pull your head up and straighten your spine, while your shoulders relax and your arms swing at your sides. If you’re sitting, don’t lean forward or hunch over. Lean back, even sprawl a little.

And be more expressive and responsive. You don’t need to be a chatterbox, but at the same time, you don’t want to be a statue either. Smiling, nodding and giving encouragers like “uh-huh” all show that you’re engaged and paying attention to the people you’re with. And openly smiling, snickering, laughing, shaking your head and what-not over things all send the sign that you may be quiet, but you’re not sullen or closed off.

Just as importantly though: if you want people to approach youBut giving some signals that it’s cool to come say “hi”?, you have to give them the signal that it’s ok to do so. Most people don’t want to intrude where they’re not welcome. That’s going to up the odds that somebody will take you up on your non-verbal invitation

Oh and one more thing: it’s a bit woo-woo-mind-quackery, but start cultivating the attitude that people already like you. This will utterly change how you behave around people and put you more at ease. And your being more at ease will make other people more at ease too.

This can all sound like a lot, I know SAD. But most of it is just a matter of habit – breaking out of old patterns and building new ones. Spend time consciously adopting these behaviors, especially when you realize you’re falling back into old habits, and soon it’ll be worked into your muscle memory.

Good luck

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I know you are not a “real doctor” but I don’t know if this is a medical, mental, or relationship problem and would like some outside perspective. This is my problem- my sex drive has cratered and I don’t know why and I want it back.

When I was in high school, I wanted all the sex all the time but abstained for a variety of reasons. When I got to college, I wanted sex all the time and frequently got it. I met my then-boyfriend, now husband, and we had a near- matching sex drive (if anything, I wanted it more frequently than his).

But as we’ve gotten older, both of us seemed to have slowed down, but mine has gone to “practically nonexistent”. I don’t think it’s a relationship problem- my spouse is still supportive, loving, game to try things, compliments me all the time and never pressures me to have sex. He does a pretty solid amount of chores (we’re both pretty suck at it, but he always does the dishes). He’s still sexy as hell. I am still deeply in love with him. But I just don’t find myself interested- and not just in my spouse. No guy seems to get me going, and I don’t spend time fantasizing about celebrities or enjoying idle crushes. We’re polyamorous, but I haven’t slept with another person for years nor wanted to. If I see an attractive person, it is more like appreciating them artistically rather than having any sort of heart palpitations or pants feelings. Self-exploration isn’t really on the agenda either. Now, sex just seems like too much effort to get involved in- it’s too much time to get in the mood and it’s too hard to stay in the mood during the moment. I find myself thinking of all the stuff I haven’t done and need to do. I find myself stuck on stuff I’ve watched or a news article in my head.

I’m fairly certain it isn’t medical- my last gynecological examine didn’t turn up anything unusual and I’m not on any hormonal birth control (though oddly, I was in college but I didn’t notice a dip when I went off it). I’m in my 30s, I feel like this is way to early for my sex drive to go away completely. Other than the fact that Trump’s in office, there isn’t anything terribly wrong in my life. We’re doing okay, my job’s okay and I get along with my coworkers. I have hobbies, we travel from time to time, we have friends, we go to events around the city and my routine is more than just work, come home, veg, repeat. And I really miss my college sex drive.

Any thoughts on how to get it back?

-Abstinence All Over Again

DEAR ABSTINENCE ALL OVER AGAIN: There’re a few things that will crater a person’s libido, AAOA, and figuring out the culprit tends to be as much a process of elimination as anything else. My usual suggestions is to start with a trip to the doctor and checking for any potential health or biochemical issues. Hormone levels could throw off your sex drive. So can a number of medications, especially if you’re taking an SSRI.

But the next question I’d ask is… how’s the sex you were having? Was it great? Or just pretty good? Was it exciting and vibrant, or just kinda routine? Did you vary it up, or was it the same thing every time? I ask because one of the things that will kill your libido deader than the dodo and faster than Barry Allen on a coffee buzz is boredom. 

This actually happens a lot, particularly with women; the sex is humdrum and the desire to keep having it… just kind of fades away. So it’s not just that the afflicted person doesn’t want to have sex with their spouse, it’s that they don’t want to have sex at all… right up until they get start banging someone new. Suddenly the novelty of it kickstarts the ol’ libido again and suddenly it’s like being 16 all over and having the house to yourself and the pay-per-view’s unscrambled.

So I would suggest changing things up in the bedroom… and since you’re poly, that might mean changing up the PERSON. Going out and pursuing a date or two, even if it’s not necessarily what you want most in the world, may fire things up again. Many women’s arousal patterns are often reciprocal and responsive – being desired arouses your own desire.

If you don’t necessarily want to explore a new partner, than explore new forms of intimacy with your hubby. Make a point of exploring a fantasy that one (or both of you) hold. Try something different – maybe a light kink, maybe something as simple as a quickie during your lunch break. Breaking out of your routine and introducing novelty back into your sex life can bring that passion roaring back.

While you’re at it? Schedule a date night or two. One of the reasons why the passion fades in long-term relationships is that everybody settles in when they settle down. They stop trying quite as hard. But treating a date with your spouse as though it’s your first date and you want to make a great first impression? That can rekindle all kinds of old feelings.

And one last thing: do stuff with your husband that gets your heart pounding and stimulates the central nervous system. Humans are bad at understanding why we feel the way we do; we feel the physical sensations and assign meaning to them after the fact. So when you’re heart is pounding and you’re slightly out of breath and you’re excited because you just got off that roller coaster or because you’ve been out dancing?

Well… that excitement transfers to other areas too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I present to you one of those eternal relationship conundrums: which is better, to be more or less into your partner than they are into you?

Years ago I developed a massive, “never spoken to them” crush on a guy in my large social club. I figured there was no way a guy like him was single, and so enjoyed my little infatuation while dating and falling in love with others. About six months ago, I broke up with my long term boyfriend, and by circumstance I and my crush ended up on a small “team” together, and ended up chatting a lot more. Eventually the chatting turned into hanging out outside of the club with other groups of friends, then alone, though always very platonic. My crush on him only grew more intense as I discovered that not only was he cute, but smart, passionate, incredibly kind and thoughtful, goofy, and frankly just one of the best people I have ever met… and yep, single. (How?!)

I finally admitted my crush, but made it clear that I completely understood if he wasn’t interested. He responded that he’d just been waiting until I moved out (stuck in lease with ex) to ask me out.

So awesome, right? I have somehow ended up with this amazing guy I’d had a crush on for years! Fairy tale ending! Here comes the but.

But… I’m pretty sure I am way more into him than he is into me. In the process of hanging out as friends, I learned his physical type, which is pretty much the opposite of me in every way: I’ve got a decent rack but he’s a butt guy, he likes em lithe and light and I’m round and dark, he loves tans and I’m McPastey of the Blinding White clan, and so on. The biggest shock though was that he’s actually incredibly shy around girls he likes (he’s never been shy around me), which is why he’s been single for… pretty much his entire life. He also joked about how he wished he was more of a player, and admitted that he’d never even really noticed me as a dating option until he got to know me.

My friends joke that I have this uncanny ability to ask out guys who are desperate and without options. I have a long history of being in relationships with guys who never really wanted me, but thought “Can’t tell a starving man not to eat at McDonalds.” (Direct quote, and I was unaware of their feelings until too late.) To avoid this, I promised myself I’d never again ask a guy out, and I’d only date guys who had lots of options so I knew he wasn’t picking me out of desperation or convenience. Yet here I am, accidentally breaking both my rules.

I’ve tried talking to him about it, but each time he just insists he DOES think I’m cute, is sure he isn’t settling, and the only thing he dislikes about me is my insecurity. I don’t think I can bring it up any more without the conversation becoming repetitive, and yet he’ll make the occasional comment (“Lean women are so hot!”) that’ll send me right down the rabbit hole of angst and concern.

I don’t know what to do. This guy is literally perfect; he’s attentive (wants to hang out way more than I do, actually), plans dates and always responds to texts, initiated “the talk” with no pushing or prodding (and in fact some reluctance) on my part, introduced me to friends and family without hesitation, and has pretty much done everything on a “Top 10 Signs He’s Into You” list (he endeared a ton of the most boring Dr. Who episodes JUST because I like them.) And yet… I’m not at all what he’s into physically, “pursued” him into liking me, and don’t seem to inspire any of the palm-sweating, heart-racing, gotta-have-her feelings that guys feel for women they’re really into.

Help me, Doc, you’re my only hope!

–Senpai Noticed Me

DEAR SENPAI NOTICED ME: Let’s start with the surface question here, SNM. It doesn’t matter what relationship you’re in, how egalitarian the both of you are or how schmoopy you may be – in every relationship, there’s going to be imbalances. One of those imbalances is going to be who’s more into who. It’s just the nature of the beast; you’re always going to have one partner or the other who’s feeling it more.

What people don’t usually talk about is how that ratio changes over the course of a relationship. There’ll always be times when you’re more into them and when they’re more into you. Life ebbs and flows; so do emotions. There will be times when they walk on the ground you worship and there’ll be times when they can do no wrong. There’ll be times when you love everything about them and then there’ll be times – possibly even long periods – where you find yourself gritting your teeth at the mere thought of them. But then things will change again and you’ll find that the things that were driving you crazy have passed or that you’ll have realized something new about them.

Now, there’ll always be people who’ll advocate being the one who cares less, because caring less means you have the power. And there are also people who romanticize loving someone who doesn’t love you back because it shows how devoted you are and the purity of your affections and why it should sway their cold hearts. Both of these are mistakes that only make everybody miserable. If things are roughly in balance – you’re both happy and excited to be dating each other – then not being at a perfect equilibrium isn’t really a problem.

But let’s focus on you for a second, SNM because the problem you’re writing to me about isn’t the problem you have. Your problem is that you’re not taking yes for a goddamn answer. 

One of the things you have to realize is that while people may have their “types”, having a type isn’t exclusionary. Someone may like busty redheads but also like petite blondes. Somebody can like skinny women and still be attracted to fat women. And – let’s be real here – sometimes a person’s “type” isn’t what they actually want, it’s what they think they should want; our culture isn’t exactly shy about telling men and women that they’re only supposed to find certain looks attractive. As many folks have experienced, there’re plenty of people out there who’ll date folks on the down-low but refuse to be seen with them publicly because of what others might think.

So while your beau may find lean women hot, that doesn’t mean he can’t also find you hot. And there comes a point where you just have to accept that maybe, just maybe, he’s not lying to you.

There’re few things that’ll poison an otherwise happy relationship like someone insisting that their partner is lying when they say that yes, they think you’re awesome and want to bang like a screen door in a hurricane. It’s one thing to say “Hey, I’ve had some awful experiences so occasionally I can be an insecure bag of slop and I’d appreciate some reassurance on occasion.” It’s another to ask for reassurance and then not believe them when they give it to you. It sets the relationship up for failure because it’s a no-win scenario; when there’s nothing they can say that you’ll accept as God’s on TRVTH, then it becomes an exercise in frustration.

So as I’m often saying: deeds, not words. Everything about this guy’s behavior suggests that he’s crazy about you. So you’re going to just have to accept that the dude digs you and let yourself be happy. You have a right to be happy, SNM. You have a right to tell your jerkbrain to shut the hell up.

So start doing that. Change that inner voice to, say, the rantings of a racist yam with a bad comb-over if that helps. But stop talking yourself out of happiness and just appreciate that you’ve got a cool guy and he’s into you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So, here is the deal,

I am gay and recently out, I met a guy on a gay hookup site. We hit it off straight away. We constantly message each other all day, the whole day. after chatting for about a week we decided to meet and got together for a movie, we had drinks before the time and conversation was flowing, the sexual tension was there and one thing led to another, we shared a passionate kiss and all was well.

About two weeks after our initial meeting, we decided to hookup and have sex, it was passionate and amazing, we had still been chatting everyday. When the subject about relationships came up he said he wasn’t looking for a boyfriend at the moment, and I accepted it but told him that he had the qualities I was looking for in a partner and that I was attracted to him.

(At this point I was starting to fall for him).

Conversation went on as usual talking every day, until it stopped from his side, I tried to initiate conversation, but he wouldn’t respond, so I left it and didn’t try to make contact again, about three weeks after not having any contact, I received a text at around midnight, I received a “Hey” I was sort of excited yet confused, left it till later that morning to respond, and conversation started flowing as it had before.

A couple of meetings later, some more sex and conversation followed. (We have been chatting for about 6 months). He started hinting subtly that he was open to a relationship, in small ways like if I would comment about the rain he would say he would like to cuddle with a boyfriend, I would respond that I would love to cuddle and he would change the topic, so I gathered he wasn’t interested. So I didn’t do anything about my feelings.

Which brings me to my question… last week we were texting and after more hinting and light flirting, I plucked up the courage to pop the question, I asked how he would feel if we were to date? My heart was pounding fearing rejection and the prospect of gaining a relationship with this man who I find irresistible and I would do anything to hook haha. The response I got was “I have thought about us dating, but think it would ruin our friendship, you are an amazing guy, you are sexy clever funny and make good money, so you are independent. And there just isn’t that spark… I hope you are okay with that” my heart sank, I immediately felt my heart sink, I was upset. responded that I was okay with that.

Until today we still text basically the whole day. We have made plans for a day outing after Christmas.

Am I stupid to pursue him hoping to stir up some emotion from him?

Will he change his mind about dating me?

Am I so far in the friend zone that I will never get out?

What the hell have I gotten myself into?

In Too Deep

DEAR IN TOO DEEP: Hoo boy.

OK, ITD, in order:

Yes

No

You’re not in the Friend Zone, you’re in the Booty Call Zone

I want you to look up to the top of this column, to Sempai Noticed Me’s letter. See what I said about relationship imbalances? That’s what you’re dealing with.

Here’s what’s going on. Dude likes having sex on tap. He knows you want to date him, and as long as he dangles the bait of “well… maybe I might consider it,” you’re going to stay on the hook and keep sleeping with him. As far as he’s concerned, there’s no reason for things to change. You’re not going anywhere, after all.

You have to decide what you want. If you’re ok with just being a casual hook-up for this guy, with the full understanding that he is NOT going to date you, then hey, more power to you. You do you. But it’s pretty clear you want more. And this dude is not going to give you want you want (commitment, a relationship).

If you want my advice? Ditch the dude. To quote another the excellent Alana Massey: dick is screwing and of low value. You can get laid, but this guy is just screwinging you over. If you want a relationship, then you need to ditch this guy and find someone who’s on the same page and – critically – not going to play games with your heart to keep your junk around.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m concerned about pornography, specifically with regards to enhancing my sex life.

Let me start by saying I know there are ethical issues to porn. I know it’s an unhealthy and unrealistic portrayal of what real sex is like, and that it could possibly desensitize you to real sexual experiences. I know all that stuff. I’m not uninformed about it, but I’ve never actually seen porn and I need help weighing the risks and benefits of seeing it.

Considering my life circumstances, I’m looking to see whether porn would do good as one of two things:

A) A way to get greater arousal and satisfaction than masturbation. Let’s get real here: while I am legally an adult (I turned 18 this year), I still live at home with my parents and two little sisters. “My” car is really dad’s that he lets me use sometimes, and I have no job, living the life of a full-time college student who is also single. In other words, this means I can’t really hook-up with others, I can’t buy sex toys or subscribe to a porno magazine (both for monetary considerations and because my sisters are 10 and 16 and could find that stuff at home), and I don’t have a go-to sexual partner. While I have fun with the daily threesomes between me, myself, and I (the latter of which are known as Left and Right Hand), the bottom line is that my sex life is basically unchanged from the moment I discovered masturbation in junior high, which now that I type it is more than a little sad.

I don’t mean to imply that watching porn is some sign of sexual maturity or some inevitable milestone in growing up (it’s not), I just mean to say that I’ve reached a sexual plateau and porn could be a way to go beyond that. Masturbation is great, but it’s certainly lost it’s magic over the years. When I first discovered and did it, it felt like discovering a cheat code in a video game: “Instant happiness just touch genitals”. Now it’s just become part of my daily routine and part of my regular rotation of recreational activities, no more amazing than watching TV or reading comedy articles.

B) Porn could be a stopgap measure to fill to bridge the gap between just masturbation and having a girlfriend, and a replacement to having a girlfriend if absolutely necessary.

I know that it’s okay to be a virgin, but at the start of the night I want to be next to a naked woman raring to go with me. In other words, let me cut to the point: I’m an 18-year-old male who wants to have sex. In fact, I even have the secret college motto of “Get good grades. Get laid.”, the idea being that while personal responsibility is the #1 priority, my very next priority is taking my V-card and shredding it to pieces.

Everything being said, I’m not looking for just any sex, but sex with a person I love and care about. The thing is, I’ve gotten used to masturbatory orgasms, and when I talked to my parents about how orgasms were supposedly this mind-shattering explosion of pleasure unmatched by anything (there’s a reason why people say “X is better than sex.” as a compliment, I hope) in the known universe when they were just merely great to me, they told me that there was a huge difference between just stimulating your penis until ejaculation and actually having sex with somebody you love.

Thus in college a girlfriend I seek, and the idea that I should get good grades and get laid is not some joke: I’m not going to consider myself a loser if I don’t get laid by college graduation (I have read your articles on age and virginity, and they REALLY spoke to me), but if we are to sit down and think objectively about the consensual convergence of human genitalia, we can only conclude that college is my best chance to get laid, considering that one could unironically call it a place where everyone is A. at or over the age of consent B. away from parental supervision C. living together in close quarters D. young (while being in the 18-26 age range doesn’t mean you’re attractive, you certainly don’t get more attractive as you get older.) E. In a world with condoms, birth control, and rigorous STD testing and treatment, creating the potential for (if only theoretically) consequence-free sex, and F. Is basically jacked up on sex hormones.

In short, college is a place where people live in close quarters while they are literally as sexy and horny as they will ever be in their entire lives, and any possible sex is thrice consequence-free (if you take all the precautions, of course), completely legal and away from any disapproving authority. If there is a time and place where one should expect a golden age of sexuality in one’s life, it’s college.

Yes, I know that I’m not doomed if I don’t get laid by the time I graduate college, but I want to have sex with a sexy young adult as a sexy young adult, and college is the best place to do that. I know I could meet someone I like in my future career, but I don’t want to go after thirty year olds as a thirty year old, and certainly not after twenty year olds as a thirty year old. And let’s not forget I’m in my sexual prime; my sexual fitness and attractiveness can only decline with age. While I know 80 year olds can have active sex lives, all things being equal now is the chance.

I’m in the right age at the right place, so college should be the golden age of sexuality for me, but it’s passing me by the day. Believe me in that I have tried to exploit this golden opportunity, but I basically have no friends in college (no one seems interested in socializing, let alone sexualizing) and the much-fearmongered “hookup culture” basically does not exist. In short, I have seriously considered that I may not be guaranteed to get someone to date me, let alone let me have sex with them. This is more than a little disheartening, considering that I’ve never even been in a date or kissed someone. I never got people to dance with me in high school and I didn’t have a date to prom, or even homecoming.

Although, let me surprise you by saying I’m actually looking sex in the context of a relationship, and I don’t mean that in the “I have to buy her chocolates and make a girl think I love her so she’ll put out” douchebag way, but in the sense that I literally want to have a genuine and real romantic relationship that also includes sexual activity. While this does fulfill the requirement of “do it with a person you love” that will apparently make my orgasms better, let me say that I do wonder what simply being in love is like as well.

However, with slim girlfriend prospects, I look to the possibility of pornography offering me an upgrade to my sex life in the case that I don’t find a girlfriend, as well as a stopgap solution to tie me over until I get one, if I do.

Yet, what holds me back from porn is safety issues, both in terms of legality and computer security. There’s this shadiness regarding porn that just really turns me off to it (pun not intended). What this means in practice is that if I see a Google result that reads “big t

*y MILFs XXX sshot” (intentional misspelling on my part), I’m not exactly thinking that it’s a totally trustworthy and safe site for me to use. I’m actually afraid of going to porn sites to be honest, because with porn there seems to be unnecessary risks you don’t get with any other so-called vices.

In other words, I’ve never drank alcohol except for Holy Communion, but I know that you don’t walk into a bar and wonder if what the bartender gave you was brewed up in a bathtub, nor do you wonder if the cigarettes you buy at 7-11 (not that I’m a smoker) have been laced with narcotics. Nobody goes into a casino only to find out that it was all an illegal mob operation just as SWAT teams pour through the front doors to arrest all the patrons.

But I do worry about something being safe and legal with regards to porn. How do I know that the actor is actually 18? How do I know if the porn site will infect my computer with viruses?

Things like cigarettes, gambling, and alcohol are regulated by the government, so while these vices may have their inherent destructive nature (getting liver disease or cancer, loss of money, etc.), you can be rest assured that what you’re doing isn’t illegal or more dangerous than it has to be. On the other hand, there doesn’t seem to be an equivalent of that for pornography, no sense of consumer trust and guarantee that the product is legal and safe. The USDA grades eggs, but it’s not like you go to some government agency and see ratings and certifications for all the porn sites and see something like “FreakyMILFs has been certified A++ by the Federal Association of Pornography, with a 99.9999% No Virus Guarantee and a perfect track record of adhering to US laws and statues with regards to content and production”

I have wrestled with the question of porn for a long time, in turn using a stopgap solution that TV Tropes might call “Poor Man’s Porn”. In other words, I don’t masturbate to “real porn”, but to stuff like online catalogues of lingerie and sexy Halloween costumes (think Yandy and Victoria’s Secret), sexy fictional characters, or sexualized advertisements and online Cosmo articles (yes, really). I have a Hooters calendar and my dad gets the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated each year. On a side note, having fetishes has really been a boon to me throughout my life. since this means essentially innocuous (and therefore safe and legal) stuff is de-facto porn to me (for example, I have a cosmetics fetish and masturbate to YouTube makeup tutorials), but there’s always been the idea that there’s greater untapped potential in the viewing of actual porn.

So all in all, is Internet pornography really going to be the upgrade I’m looking for? What should I do if it’s not what I need, and how could I get safe and legal porn if it was the best option? Are my ideas and concerns about college wrong or misguided?

Sincerely,

Pretty Indecisive Porn Ponderer

DEAR PRETTY INDECISIVE PORN PONDERER: Hoo boy. There’s a lot to unpack in this PIPP because you’ve crammed a lifetime of expectations and misconceptions into one long-as-hell letter.

So in the words of the KLF and the Justified Ancients of Mumu, let’s roll it from the top.

We’ll start with the orgasms you’re having from masturbating.

First and foremost: I think you may be seriously overestimating what you’re supposed to get from your orgasms – especially by yourself. The wonderful thing about orgasms is that orgasms are wonderful things but I think you were expecting skyrockets in flight instead of a case of wham-bam-thank-you-glans, especially if you’ve been jerking it every day since junior high. Humans are very, very good at adapting to circumstances and anything – no matter how amazing or horrifying – can become just another part of your every day existence. This is doubly true of masturbation. First: if you’re masturbating exactly the same way every day, you’re going to get the same results. This can actually cause problems later on if you are using what social scientists call “an idiosyncratic masturbatory technique” and those of us in the sex-biz call “the Death Grip”. Some people come to solo sex in a number of shall we say, unique ways that can range from an incredibly tight grip to using a washcloth to sticking their penis between the mattress and the box spring. The problem is: when you habituate yourself to a specific speed, pressure and level of friction that can’t be matched by a mouth, anus or vagina, you make it that much harder to actually get off during partnered sex. Your partner, no matter how much they may try, simply can’t produce the same feeling that you’ve trained yourself to need to orgasm.

So. Regardless of whether you’re rolling solo or have a partner or two or three, you want to put some best practices into effect and start varying your techniques. Use a little lube, use lots of lube (actual lube – soap dries out your skin and Vaseline is hard to clean up), masturbate with a condom on, switch hands, go slower, go faster, stop in the middle and start again, keep yourself right at the edge for as long as you can. Keeping things fresh and varied for your penis helps make sure that you don’t get stuck in a routine that means that partnered sex is going to be nothing but a frustrating core workout for you and means that you’re going to have different and more interesting orgasms.

Next: your college experience. Just as Death Grip (or Idiosyncratic Technique – which, incidentally, is my new experimental dub-metal band) can give you unrealistic expectations and needs for orgasm, you have some very difficult problems ahead for you if you think that college is going to be the end-all, be-all of your sex life. Let us start by dispensing with the idea of one’s “sexual prime”. It doesn’t actually exist in any meaningful way. 99% of what you’ve built up in your head is cultural baggage with a thin layer of outdated science on top. The idea that people reach a “sexual prime” is based on a number of mistaken ideas that have little basis in actual biology and a whole lot to do with people’s ideas about male and female sexuality.

The split between a man’s “sexual prime” being 18 and a woman’s being in her 30s, for example, isn’t about reproductive fitness. It’s about that by the time a woman reaches her 30s, she tends to have shed a lot of the sex-negative bulls

t that cripples many, many women and has taken full ownership of her sexuality. She’s not suddenly reaching a hormonal peak, she’s finally hit a point where she feels confident in her body and her sexuality and what it takes to get off.  Men – who don’t have the same repressive mind-hackery telling them that they’re not sexual beings – at 18 are dealing with being told that they’re uncontrollable satyrs who’ve finally been let off the leash and have never been given anything that even vaguely resembles instructions on how to deal with the responsibilities of sex and sexuality. Throw alcohol in on top of hormonal changes – which, I stress, are affecting women just as much – and you’re going to deal with a bunch of horny owlbears who want to stick it into almost anything.

The biggest advantages of being 18 is that you can eat more without as many consequences, bounce back from hang-overs faster and the refractory rate can be measured in minutes. That last part is important because frankly, a lot of the sex people are having can be measured in seconds. It’s often the case that people in college aren’t having the sex of their lives, so much as having it at ALL.

Similarly, while youth has it’s appeal, being in your late teens to early 20s doesn’t mean that you’re going to be at your most attractive, your fittest or your most desirable. Attractiveness isn’t about how tight or supple your skin is; it’s about presentation, confidence and a whole lot of intangibles that may well not develop until later.  Some people – myself included – didn’t hit their stride until later in life. I can tell you for a fact, with photographic evidence to back it up: I’m better looking now that I’m nearly 40 than I was when I was 18. The sex I was having in my late 20s and through my 30s was almost infinitely better – in quantity and in quality. Why? Because, unlike when we were 18, my partners and I knew what the hell we’re doing. Treating college as a window of opportunity that, if missed, will leave you in the cold is a mistake. It is simply a singular stage in life. One that you should endeavor to take advantage of while you can, yes, but if it’s all down hill from there, it’s not because you squandered your 20s.

To quote a wise sage: 30’s the new 20, I’m on fire still. Done right, your 30s have the potential to be better than your 20s because you have the same drive but more experience and better credit. So let’s not get hung up on age here, especially since you’re having enough issues making friends, never mind finding lovers. You’ve still got some growing and maturing to do.

The other thing to remember is that there is no universal narrative of what sex is going to be like for you in college. Some people have lots of it. Some people don’t have any. Some people only have one partner, some have several. All of that’s ok. Focusing like a laser on getting laid mostly just means that you’re going to miss out on a lot of amazing opportunities because you won’t see them. Trust me: that’s exactly what I did and damned if I don’t wish I could go back and re-do things.

Beyond getting good grades, the best thing you can do for yourself right now is collecting experiences and taking chances – the things that make you a more interesting and compelling person. Sex may well be a part of it. But pursuing sex – or a relationship – with single-minded focus is going to be missing the forest for the trees. Relationships will come. I promise.

Now, all that out of the way, let’s get to the meat of your questions:

Should you use porn? Well, that depends on how you mean “use”. The way you talk about using it makes me think that – like your solo orgasms – you have some unrealizable expectations. Porn isn’t a substitute for sex or a relationship. It’s simply a way of getting aroused. The fact that you’re watching Layla London or Lexi Belle go down on someone isn’t going to make you feel any more or less lonely, any more than Rogue One or Moana will. It’s a performance. Just one you’re watching with your pants off. To be sure: people use porn as a way to supplement a relationship – imagining Gianna Michaels while they’re masturbating is a way of getting some variety in an otherwise monogamous relationship – but it’s not a replacement by any stretch. Treating it as one is how you end up having a hard time forging an intimate connection with people in your life or finding yourself deep in debt to cam-girls.

Porn is fine to jerk off to, or to use to spice things up with a partner. It’s not a replacement for intimacy.

Similarly: porn sex is nothing like real sex. Let me repeat that for emphasis: porn sex is nothing like real sex. Porn stars themselves will tell you: the sex they have on camera doesn’t even vaguely resemble the sex they have on their own time. The sex you will have in real life will be nothing like what you see on the screen, any more than your commute is like Fury Road. Porn is blocked, lit and performed in such a way to look good for the camera. When you’re having sex in the real world, there is no camera, no crew, no audience. There’s you and your partner.

So: should you watch porn? If you want. You’ll have some amazing orgasms at first, because it’ll be like nothing you’ve experienced before. You’ll be aroused more than you realize. But – as with your daily masturbatory routine – you’ll get used to it pretty damn fast. So don’t treat it like the end-all, be-all of your life.

How do you use it safely and ethically? Well that’s a different question. One presumes, for example, that you know the basics of computer security and hygiene. Don’t download strange files, keep your antivirus and firewall software up to date, etc. That’s your first step.

Think of getting your porn the way you get weed. When you go to a dispensary, you are buying carefully curated strains in a well-lit and safe environment. You know how much you’re going to pay, how much you’re going to get and what you’re going to leave with. Getting it from the dude behind the gas station, on the other hand, means you have no control over the final product, what’s in it, what you’ll pay or whether you’ll even get weed at all.

In practice, this means getting your porn from known, reputable sites rather than googling titles and hoping for the best. Sticking to the mainstream sites will help make sure that everything you get is on the up and up, legally and ethically speaking. Brazzers, Naughty America, BangBros, Vivid, Kink.com, Burning Angel and others are producers and have subscription-based sites; you know exactly what you’re getting and where your money is going. Because of the laws involved in filming porn (thanks in no small part to Traci Lords…), the actors involved are carefully vetted to be of legal age and consenting to be there. Similarly, Pornhub and XTube are mainstream streaming sites that pay attention to their content and maintain standards. Keeping their customers happy and coming back is in their business model; this means that they have a vested interest in not letting malware infect your computer.

(That having been said, the ‘tube sites regularly rip off the publishers so maybe pay for your porn instead.)

You might also consider going straight to the porn stars themselves. Many run their own sites, which not only ensures that everything is exactly how they want it to go – avoiding issues like James Deen or abuse on set – but gives your money directly to them. Thus you get off AND support someone’s hard work directly.

Another option is to choose a user-submitted site like Make Love, Not Porn; this is a site that focuses on real couples having real sex, not porn sex. This helps make sure that yes, everyone involved wants to be there and is having a good time. Plus, a lot of people find it far hotter than the very artificial performances of mainstream porn sex.

Other advice: use your browser’s incognito mode if you don’t want people knowing what you’ve gotten up to. Don’t install any plug-ins or download any files that you can’t source yourself. Clear your cache on the regular. And remember that strip clubs and interactive sites – cam-girls and the like – are designed to take your money and no, the cam girl does not actually want to date you no matter how intensely you may feel.

But the best advice I can give you right now: slow your roll. Don’t treat life and college as something you must master RIGHT THE HELL NOW. You have your entire life ahead of you and – contrary to your current beliefs – it can and will get better, not worse. And hey: if you want a little help in finding that first relationship, I’ve got some books for you that’ll give you the guidance you need.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)