DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Thank you for your column and work. I really appreciate the niche you’ve carved out and the help you provide your readers.

I’m usually a friendly, encouraging, and empathetic guy, but sometimes, I get depressed and ruminate on the same stupid things. I’m pretty sure I’m wrong about this, but I wanted to ask you why I’m wrong on this and get some insight into something better I can tell myself when I start thinking in circles.

I’m 40 now, but I still feel pretty young and decently healthy. When I was growing up, in a conservative social circle, I was an overweight and insecure guy who put way too much worth on someone liking me (I’ll own up to that as my mistake). I would get the nerve to talk to cute girls and then watch them walk away mid-sentence for some athletic guy. I would hear them talking about how cute so-and-so classmate’s butt was. But it was always ground into us guys that we should never disrespect women by thinking or talking about them as sex objects. Ultimately, I believed that if I were good-looking and athletic, then someone would love me.

I went to college. I lost weight. I gained weight. I worked out. I became an adult. I became more progressive. I watched the world be more sex-positive for women and require more responsibility for men. I got married, and after a year, I decided to get in better shape.

So over the course of a year, my wife and I worked out and lost weight together in a group setting (she, 45 pounds; me, 90 pounds with significant strength and athleticism increase). I did all the cooking and got some good and mostly “meh” reviews on it. But I kept it up. I went to the gym and spent an hour a day on the elliptical and then 30-60 minutes on weights. Then I’d go home and cook dinner for us. Then I’d clean up, lest I get a comment about how messy I made the kitchen when I cooked. In the meantime, I would compliment her on her increased strength and athleticism, and I’d tell her I always found her attractive. I got told my butt was saggy, and I got the loose skin on my abdomen grabbed and jiggled. I never made any critical comments on her looks, athleticism, or effort.

When we went to our weight-loss meetings, I was usually the only guy there, so I got an earful of “how easy it is for men to lose weight,” and how “men don’t have to work as hard.” I thought our group (including my wife) was there to support each other and not blast each other for excuses or bogeymen, so I didn’t flip any tables or go into how 5 hours a week going full-blast on an elliptical followed by cooking varied, nutritious meals made it “so easy” for me. I sure didn’t get any backup from my female leaders, just a bunch of head-nods that it was much harder for women, and how nice it was to have a guy who understood the struggle.

When I stayed late at work, I would come home, cook first and work out later. When I did, I would get a “Well, maybe you’ll come home before bedtime” comment. When I worked out before work, I would get grouched out because I woke her up. Somehow, I was supposed to make time to work out, cook, and clean where no time existed.

In the meantime, my wife would get all googly over John Cena, David Boreanaz, or “her boyfriend” Randy Orton. A few times, I would get a compliment that I had gained more definition in my back or shoulders, but I’d never make her as starry-eyed as those big beefy guys. I’d nod or laughingly agree with her comments; I never brought up any celebrity crushes or talked about what body parts on other women I liked a lot. I think my wife is attractive, and I would regularly tell her so, partly because that’s what I always wanted in my life. Even though my wife tapered off her effort, I never stopped telling her she was hot and awesome.

God, what I wanted most was just the appreciation for how hard I worked at making our lives better and how many things I was trying to juggle. I spent that time just white-knuckling. My wife’s not real touchy-feely, and I am, so I was just hoping for a hand on my back or a hug. I got into CrossFit and obstacle racing and I loved it, and I tried to juggle that with work and home responsibilities. Ultimately, I couldn’t keep white-knuckling. After a year of maintaining my weight loss, I gained back my weight. After a rough patch at work, I fell off the wagon and gained most of my weight back.

And I travel for work, with a mostly 50/50 male-female co-worker mix, often working in a traditionally female setting. We’ve all been given the usual sexual harassment training and lip-service expectations. But when I’m doing my work, where I can’t just pick up and leave, the women I’m working with (co-workers or clients) talk about real-life or celebrity men like this verbatim exchange:

“This is what that guy from ‘Game of Thrones’ looks like in real life.” 

“Oh, he’s cuuute. I’d follow that ass around like a lost puppy.” 

“Let me find some more pictures…” 

“Oh, yeah! That’s nice! Mmmm…”

And if I had stirred the pot by saying that this was disrespectful, hurtful, and uncollegial to me and made it hard for me to work with them, how hard would I be laughed at? Would I be known as the special snowflake who everyone must be Very Serious around?

So, here’s my circular thoughts that I can’t shake: Why is it okay (and “sex-positive” and “life-affirming”) and a non-issue for women to objectify men and talk about it around guys, when it’s wrong in principle for guys to talk about women that way? Why is it okay for women to have celebrity crushes, but it’s disrespectful and oppressive for men to have anything but tunnel vision? Why is it okay to remind a guy that other guys are much hotter than him and expect that he should just be attractive without understanding that it takes a sacrifice of time and effort it takes to get there? Why is it okay to lament how hard women have it and expect men to be out-of-the-box perfect and supportive at all times? Is a guy even able to say “I don’t appreciate the way you bring up (Mr. Celebrity) around me, It affects how I think about myself and I think I should be given more respect as a human being”? If that’s just silly, then why shouldn’t I opine on how fine someone’s knockers are and how I can tell she takes the time to work out regularly?

(Note: I don’t really want to blurt out how fine someone else is; everyone’s got their own struggles and goals and advantages and accomplishments. I’d rather not pontificate about an unattainable third party just to prove it’s my right to do so.)

Finally, at what level of accomplishment do I have to make so that women (really, just my wife) will like me and appreciate me? What do I have to do to ever get the fangirl treatment that I have to endure in friends and strangers around me? When does a guy do enough to be good enough and be able to cash out on his effort (if he wasn’t born with natural talent)?

Most of the time, my relationship with my wife is pretty awesome. She’s smart and creative, accomplishes things, and is attractive at any weight or fitness level. But when things get rough at work, I’m often ruminating on these thoughts. I feel like I missed something in my youth. I thought that at some level of physical/domestic/professional accomplishment, I would get that treatment from my wife I saw others get. But, as you’ve said before “It has nothing to do with you.”

In the big picture, I’ve got a lot of privilege, and I wouldn’t trade my struggles for anyone else’s. I just occasionally get my thoughts stuck in these bad grooves, and I’d appreciate some better ways to challenge/counter those recurring assumptions while I work on the bigger issues.

Best regards,

Not Great for the Gander.

DEAR NOT GREAT FOR THE GANDER: Alright NGFTG, I’m going to level with you. You have two issues here, and one of them has very little to do with why you’ve written into me. But before I get to that, I want to address your primary question

First of all: you – and men in general – are perfectly welcome to have celebrity crushes and to talk about how attractive you find women. There’s nobody stopping you. It’s not even really an issue about talking about wanting to bang someone. Objectification isn’t really the issue either – most of us WANT to be objectified on occasion, particularly from folks we’re into. Were not people, we’re also slabs of meat. The problem is that so-called “locker room talk” tends to be less of the “Oh damn, Rhianna is so hooooot” and far more about the fact that said talk tends to not stay in the locker room… and how much of it gives tacit approval for really, really awful behavior.

Here’s what’s going on with the differences between what you’re “allowed” to do or say and what women are “allowed” to say: decades of social power differential. You grew up being taught not to treat or talk about women like they’re sex objects, and that’s good. But while you may have been raised one way, the culture that we grew up in had some radically different ideas about that. You just have to do a quick browse through 70s and 80s comedies – especially the sheer number of boner-jams like Last American Virgin, Porky’s and the others – to see that. And the 80s and 90s were slightly more evolved in that respect than the 50s, 60s and 70s. For decades, casual sexual harassment was basically the norms of accepted behavior. It was just “how things were” and women who couldn’t take it were told they were frigid b

*s who didn’t have a sense of humor or “couldn’t take a joke” – and if they couldn’t get a thicker skin, then they should just GTFO.

So you know. Basically Twitter, but everywhere.

And frankly, a lot  of that behavior is still deeply embedded in our culture. Look at how much crap women get over calling out the Office Creeper, or the pushback over clapping back at street harassment. There’s still an overwhelming belief that women choosing to exist in the public space means that they’re doing so for the benefit of men.

Then there’s the fact that, for a long, long goddamn time, women were taught that they weren’t sexual, that they weren’t visually aroused like men were and that their sexuality was essentially receptive. It’s only really recently that women have been able to actually take ownership of their sexuality, and in a way that’s not a performance for men. It can feel weird to hear women talking openly about how hot a dude is, how nice his butt is or what-not because, frankly, a lot of us grew up in an era where that was a major social taboo.

It isn’t now and thank God for that.

But the fact of the matter is, there’s still a social power difference between men and women. Men are more likely to harass women, to creep on them and abuse them. Women are still treated as literal objects in media and in society; MRA and MGTOW complaints aside, that just ain’t happening to men.

This doesn’t mean that women can’t be creepers or harassers. Hell, I got creeped on by a woman. But the playing field is by no means level and likely won’t be for quite some time. Not when known predators can still expect to keep their jobs and be protected from the consequences of their actions.

Now, if their conversations really are bothering you or making you feel uncomfortable, then by all means speak up. You have a right to not go through your day listening to people’s sexual fantasies, regardless of gender. Even just a “hey, could you not bring this up around me?” is enough to let people know that this is something that gets to you and you’d appreciate it if they’d stop. If this actually got you laughed at and called a snowflake? Then that’s something to take to your company’s HR department, with the words “creating a hostile work environment”.

But I really doubt it’d come to that. Something tells me that this is more your jerkbrain telling you what you think would happen instead of the reality.

And to be quite honest: while I think it’s admirable that you try to be conscientious and (for lack of a better term) “woke”, I think you may have dialed the needle too far in the other direction. There is a point where you can go from trying to be a good guy to being so afraid of self-expression and judgement that you end up handicapping yourself. Be aware, be considerate of the people around you and be willing to enforce your boundaries as well, if you need to.

Now with all that having been said, I want to address something that leapt out at me from your letter. This, I think is your real issue:

Holy hopping sheep s

t dude, the way your wife treats you is abominable. I don’t think the problem is a dichotomy between how men and women are allowed to express themselves sexually, it’s that your wife treats you like crap. If you’d come to me just about your relationship with her, I’d start with telling you to get couples counseling and ending it with the Future Question: how long will you be willing to live like this, knowing that her behavior towards you isn’t going  to change?

Because quite frankly? The sort of behavior you’re talking about is setting off my “emotional abuse” alarms like a goddamn tornado siren.

Now maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe this is getting filtered through some of the body and acceptance issues you have. I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is get your butt to a therapist and start unpacking some of this pain and frustration you’re having.

But for real dude: if it is as bad as it sounds at the top? Then I think it’ll be a lot easier to improve if you get the hell out, ASAP.

Good luck. And write back to let us know how you’re doing.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been a loyal reader of your column for a long time now and always think you give great advice and really get to the heart of things. My question isn’t really asking for advice so much as asking what your thoughts are on something I’ve noticed a lot in comment sections and online discussions, both on this site and lots of other places (and in offline life too)!

Backstory: Ten years ago, I cheated on my husband, which resulted in us getting a divorce. I had lots of reasons for cheating (my husband was emotionally distant, the thrill of something new, the fact that the other person was moving away and there was a heightened sense of “now or never” to it), but the bottom line is that I cheated, and it was a horrible dick move, and although I’m happier now that I’m out of that marriage, that was definitely not the right way to go about self-destructing it. I was entirely in the wrong and I feel bad about it, but at this point there’s nothing I can do to change what happened.

My question is that there’s this culture of unforgiveness when it comes to cheaters, and it bothers me. I know what I did back then was wrong, but so many people act like cheaters are irredeemable assholes who should never be trusted in a relationship again no matter what. Even outside of the dating world, infidelity is talked about like it’s something that is just a permanent moral failure that can’t ever be forgiven. I’ve had friends who pretty much dumped me when they found out why my marriage failed. I’ve had co-workers make snide remarks about me being untrustworthy. I haven’t really gone back out into the dating world (I’ve been happy to be single), but if/when I do decide to get back out there, I’m afraid I’ll be outright rejected because of it. I try not to really advertise what happened, but I live in a small community, so people tend to find out even if I don’t say anything.

Again, I take responsibility for what I did. I would never claim that it was a good thing or that it was justified, and if I could go back in time and change things, I definitely would. So I’m not asking you or your readers to say that cheating is A-OK and I didn’t do anything wrong, because it’s not and I did. It’s just kind of discouraging to think that I’m always going to be seen as untrustworthy and unforgivable for something that happened one time a decade ago that I realize was a mistake.

Is there any forgiveness in society for a cheater? Should there be? How can I address this when people find out about my past?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts. You rock.

Once a Cheater

DEAR ONCE A CHEATER: There’re a few things going on here, OaC.

The first is that we, as a culture, treat infidelity as a universal and inevitable wrong, the worst thing that you could do to somebody. Some of this stems from old cultural fears of hidden parentage and the anxiety around the idea of being “tricked” into raising somebody else’s child instead of your own. Some of it comes from a sense of possessiveness – the anger that comes from “somebody touched my stuff!” Another portion comes from the betrayal of trust, or fears of the loss of affection or the potential exposure to sexually-transmitted infections. And still more comes from the way that we equate monogamy with romantic love and the idea that if you love someone you only want them. So when somebody cheats on their partner, they’re in effect committing a crime against love itself.

The next is that many people have a fear of being cheated on. Call it insecurity, call it free-floating anxiety, call it low self-esteem, but lots of people live in near-mortal fear that their partner is going to step out on them and what does this say about them? For many people, the idea that their partner may – or has – cheated on them becomes a referendum on their worth as a person. Maybe they weren’t good enough. Maybe their partner was unsatisfied and decided to go looking for sex somewhere else. Worse: maybe they were being used, a patsy or stepping stone for their partner’s desire to move up the value ladder, as it were. In these cases, cheating isn’t so much about their partner having cheated but the existential threat it represents to their very identity.

Then there are studies that suggest — not prove, suggest — that if someone has cheated in the past, they’re more likely to cheat again in the future. Now to be sure, correlation isn’t causation, but people will take studies like this as iron-clad confirmation regardless of what the data actually says.

Of course, there’re also many people who have had experience with having been cheated on – either directly by having been the betrayed partner, or indirectly, by seeing the pain and heartache it’s caused. Folks who’ve been through this particular experience are more likely to have a lot of negative impressions on someone who’s cheated, regardless of circumstance. Why would they want to be around someone who caused pain like they experienced, either first or second-hand?

And then there’s a psychological blindspot that hits all of us known as The Just World fallacy. The short version of The Just World fallacy is that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This manifests itself in dating in a multitude of ways, but especially around the concept of cheating. Since being cheated on is a bad thing to go through, it stands to reason that the person who experienced it deserved it to some degree. You can see this in some of the common reactions that people have to finding out that somebody’s partner cheated: he or she must’ve driven their partner to it somehow. Maybe they were frigid or let themselves go or couldn’t satisfy their partner and so the cheater had to look elsewhere.

But at the same time, we also see the cheater as irrevocably bad, because they did a bad thing. Monogamy is one of the few things that we expect people to execute perfectly on the first try; should they slip up, then that’s an indication that they’re an awful person rather than an indicator that monogamy is frequently difficult. Their entire character MUST be in question, because only bad people do bad things. There is often little room for nuance in an infidelity; a one-time moment of weakness and regret is morally equal to a serial adulterer who callously betrays their partners. But part of what infuriates us about cheaters and adulterers is how often they don’t seem to suffer for their actions. This violates the idea of order and justice in the universe – if they’re a bad person, then they should have bad things happen to them, no? Now it’s not just that they’ve transgressed, but they’ve also broken the rules and somehow escaped their punishment. When we believe that morality has a law of cause and effect – for every action, good or bad, there’s an equal consequence – then people who don’t suffer the consequences for their missteps are somehow cheating the system. This outrages us, because we want to see them get their just desserts. And, in it’s own way, this belief gives people the right to be the agent of karma; if the universe won’t punish them, then we will because God forbid that someone not meet a suitably ironic fate for their actions.

Should there be forgiveness for a cheater? I think so, at least for some. Obviously, some people are just a

s… but not everybody is. I’m a believer that not every infidelity is equal, and that there are times when cheating is the least-bad option out of a collection of awful options. I’m also a big believer in people’s ability to grow and change and be better than they were before. When we treat any and all sins as irrevocable, regardless of how someone has changed, then we take away any motivation to seek redemption and to improve. And let’s be real: NONE of us are free from sin or f

k ups or things that we really regret having done.

How do you handle this part of your past, when you dip your toe back into the dating pool? To be quite honest, I’d stuff it down the memory hole; relationships aren’t depositions and we’re not required to air all our secrets and regrets to our partners, especially if it’s no longer relevant. If and when it comes up, then take ownership of it as part of your past. It’s what you did in the past, not who you are now. “I did a stupid thing, back when I was younger and stupider. It was a bad choice that seemed like a good idea at the time and I regret having made it. I wish I could go back and do things differently, but I can’t. All I can do is move forward, now I know better and I wouldn’t make that mistake again.” And then you let it go.

How they react will tell you what you need to know about them. If they’re someone who can’t handle the fact that you’re not a pure and perfect cinnamon roll, but are a flawed and imperfect human like everybody else… well, that’s on them. You now know that the two of you would never have worked and you’re free to find someone who’s right for you.

You did a s

*ty thing, OaC. But that was a long time ago and you’re a different person now. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t let them define you. You’ve lived through your past. Now it’s time for you to create your future, on your own terms.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year old male virgin, and I need advice when it comes to reading signs and how to take things to the next step.

I don’t find it particular difficult to talk to people or women but I have 0 experience with women/dating due to suffering with anxiety in my teens. My problem is I have such little experience when it comes to dating that I feel like i have no idea what I’m doing, where to start or what to do if I find myself in the situation.

For example, a few days ago I went out for a few drinks with a girl I work with who I’ve been interested in for a while. On occasion, I get the feeling she feels the same way I do, but I don’t know the signs on how she feels or if I should try to take it further then “work friends”, or how I would progress it from just drinks to maybe more. She seemed open and warm to me, but then cold at times too. I also know she has a lot of stress recently and she’s even said to me she isn’t ready to date somebody so I feel I shouldn’t push it. Even so, there are times where her body language and her outright flirting make me question what I should be doing. I feel so inept with dating or just women in general that if she or somebody else where to give or have given me signs they would go over my head.

I feel like it’s too late for me because when it comes to dating, I feel like a lost little boy. 

Thanks 

I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

DEAR I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING: Everyone’s gotta start somewhere, IHNIWID, and most of us don’t get an instruction manual when it comes to dating. Now, while I’ve written a book specifically for guys like you to help learn the ins and outs of dating, at the end of the day, what you need to do is just muscle up and take your chance. You can read and study until your eyes bleed and your fingers are worn to the bone, but you’re still going to have to get out there, take your chances and make some mistakes.

None of this is terribly difficult; all you have to say is “hey, I really enjoy the time we spend together and I’d like to see if there’s the potential for more. If you’re interested, I’d love to take you out on a date to do $COOL_THING”.  And then you wait. If she says yes, then congratulations, I hope you have an awesome first date. If she says no – or gives you an indirect or “soft no” like “I’m just not ready to date right now” or “I have no time” – then you say “OK, cool, I just wanted to ask.” And then you continue your friendship as though nothing’s changed, because, honestly? Nothing has. She’s still her, you’re still you and it’s only going to get awkward if you make it awkward. If you treat things as if it’s all good, so will she.

But you’re not going to make any progress until you start putting yourself out there, IDKWID. So do some studying to help get ready… but if you want to start getting some experience, you’re gonna have to take a deep breath and dive in.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 34 year old male. I’ve never kissed, sex, relationship, etc… I don’t mind discussing this with people I know. I feel like because I’m too open about my situation people think I’m looking for self pity. I don’t really, I just want them to know about my situation so it’s not awkward when it comes up later in time. I’m not embarrassed, but I know that some people look at as a red flag… especially women. So my question is : Is my openness about my situation really a redflag/dealbreaker? I’m not good with secrets. I also think I use it as an excuse when I get the vibe they don’t understand me.

Too Much Information?

DEAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION: The question you’re asking isn’t necessarily the question you think you’re asking, TMI.

I’ve talked a lot about the bulls

t shame that men get about virginity and sexual inexperience and how that ties into toxic definitions of masculinity and how experience or inexperience isn’t something to be ashamed of. That being said: much like people who misuse the term sex-positive means (or misunderstand what it means), there’s a difference between not being ashamed and inappropriate sharing.

See, one of the things that we look for in friends and partners is emotional and social intelligence: whether they understand social rules, know when it’s appropriate to discuss things and when it isn’t and – critically – what information people don’t necessarily need to know. People who don’t conform to the expected social rules make us uncomfortable; sometimes it’s simply a matter of informing us of things that we don’t want to know, other times it’s a question of “if they don’t get this rule, what other, more important rules do they not get?” So when you’re sharing incredibly personal things about yourself – such as being an older virgin – the question isn’t always about what you’re sharing but when.

If you’re just blurting this information out during the “getting to know you” phase of a date or interacting with your co-workers… well, that’s generally not the right time. You’re telling people far more about yourself than they want to know, never mind need to, and usually at a time when it’s not socially appropriate. If you’re talking about sex or past relationships, that’s one thing. If you’re just dropping this truth-bomb in the middle of a conversation, a “Just FYI, I’ve never had someone else touch my penis. So about those Spurs…”, well that’s just going to be weird.

There’s also the question of how much of this you’re sharing. Not everyone needs to get the full disclosure about your sexual history (or lack thereof). You’re not giving a deposition, you’re having a conversation. You can just leave it as “yeah, I haven’t dated much” or “I’ve never had a serious girlfriend/boyfriend”; most of the time that’s all anyone wants to know. If they want to know more, they’ll ask and then you can go into more detail. When and if someone should know more – such as when you’re about to get busy – then you can tell them more. But even then, a simple “just so you know, I’ve never done this before,” tends to work better than a sudden and unexpected download about the hows and whys of your sexual history.

And as always: how you talk about it is important. People will follow your lead when you talk about yourself. If you’re revealing that you’re inexperienced like it’s a giant flaw, then people will respond like it’s a giant personal flaw. If you roll it out like it’s no big deal, it’s just part of who you are, then they’ll treat it like it’s no big deal. And if they do get weird about it… well that tells you a lot about them, doesn’t it? If someone sees your experience or lack thereof as a deal-breaker, then that’s their problem and they’ve just self-selected as someone you wouldn’t want to date anyway.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’d love it if you could shed some light on my situation, you always make sense and I appreciate how much you take lots of angles and even a meta-perspective into account usually. I’m a young woman in my mid twenties. I have a fulfilling life: lots of hobbies and interests, a good career, I’m always on the lookout to travel, I have moved to different cities because of studies/jobs a lot while maintaining close relationships with my family and friends, I love to learn and think about new stuff all the time. I’m a bit of a free spirit and I identify as polyamourous. (I can cite some passages from “the ethical slut” and other literature on the subject by heart and have internalized and lived by its values). I’ve had an open relationship in the past, where I had one “boyfriend” and 1-2 “mini-relationships”. My boyfriend had the occasional “extra-curricular activity”. It worked for us that way, things ended a year ago for reasons that had nothing to do with being open/poly.

Now “the problem”: a few months ago I met a guy who is a few years younger and we hit it off right away: we love talking about the same topics, we both love to travel, we have heaps of fun together, we just vibe very well. One drunk night we landed it bed together and, you can guess it, had sex. A week later, I discovered that I took his virginity that night, without knowing it at the time of the act. We talked about how I felt bad because it wouldn’t have happened like that if I had known that beforehand. He said he had no regrets and didn’t want to say anything because he thought it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. (He has a point there, but I still feel taken advantage of and like I took advantage of him at the same time as well). We then had the “what are we talk”. It was clear to him from the get-go that I am poly and that we could build a loving friendship but without being exclusive. He understood, asked the right questions, we talked about “the rules”. Everything is still going fantastic in the 2 months we’ve been together now. We still vibe well, enjoy our time together (even though we live 100 miles apart), talk about feelings/issues, he buys me gifts, we do fun trips, he introduced me to his friends and family (I didn’t introduce him to family because that’s not something I do). Even though I am his first girlfriend, he just gets everything right about communication etc., which just proves again what a great human being he is.

And that is my “problem”: it is going so well, that I am confused. He makes me want all those mundane, typical societal things I’ve looked down on for so long: suddenly I’d like to settle in something typical and exclusive and couple-y – even though that is in direct conflict with everything I have believed in and stood for in the past and have defended with reason and fire against nay-sayers about open relationships.

Please help:

– Should I go against my nature and try being exclusive? How do I even bring that up, after it took a lot of conversation to explain polygamy to him in the first place? Is he even going to want monogamy, perhaps he likes me that much because of my poly-nature?

– Will it affect our relationship for the worse? maybe it goes so well because we only see each other sporadically (because of the distance)?

– Sometimes I feel like I am using him because I am older and more experienced in the sexual and relationship department – any thoughts on that? Is being poly with someone like that even fair? Can he really make a good estimation on the topic if he never had a girlfriend before?

Please help – suddenly everything I was so sure of isn’t that sure anymore. My thoughts need some structure.

Thanks in advance!

Cheerfully Confused

DEAR CHEERFULLY CONFUSED: I think you’re making things more complicated than they need to be, CC.

Here’s the wonderful thing about people: they’re complicated and complex. We lay down these rules and labels, many of which are absolutely arbitrary, and then freak out when we realize that they’re not perfectly universal. We grow and change and find people who push us out of our comfort zones and into worlds that we never thought would apply to us and then we get scared because suddenly everything is different. The problem is when we tense up and try to force things into ill-fitting labels and rules instead of just going with the flow and seeing where things take us.

Right now you’ve got a boyfriend who’s making you think all kinds of thoughts that are contrary to how you’ve defined yourself. You’ve always been poly and now you’re thinking about being exclusive… ok, and? You’re allowed to try different relationship formats as long as your partner or partners are down with it. Maybe you’re in a more monogamous period of your life. Maybe this particular relationship with this particular guy is just an exception to your general rules. Or maybe this is just a temporary thing and it will pass as your relationship grows and matures. The key is to not freak out about it. This doesn’t mean that you were wrong to be poly or that there’s something more “correct” about monogamy… it just means this is where you are right now. If you’re down with giving exclusivity a shot, then hell, go for it. You and your partner or partners have the right to set the rules of your relationship as you see fit.

(That being said, experimenting with exclusivity for the first time in a long-distance relationship makes an already difficult relationship even more difficult, so be prepared.)

It’s admirable that you’re concerned about using him or leveraging his inexperience against him, and that’s a sign that you’re a good, ethical and caring lover. Users and abusers don’t concern themselves with such questions. You should keep in mind that no relationship is going to be perfectly balanced and egalitarian. There’s always going to be one partner who has more experience than the other. Nobody is going to have the exact same history or experiences as their lovers; that’s just how the world is. The key is not using that differential as a weapon, and believe me, the less-experienced partner is just as capable of wielding that whip as the more experienced one. Don’t assume that just because he hasn’t seen or done as much as you have that he’s incapable of making decisions for himself. He’s a big boy and he’s perfectly qualified to decide what sort of relationship he wants to try.

The way that you make things work – as is true in every relationship – is communication, communication, communication. As I’m always telling people, the answers to most relationship difficulties is to use your words. Every relationship is an ongoing conversation, after all.

Case in point: the poly vs. monogamy question You’ve talked about being poly before and what it means, so now talk about monogamy. Explain how you’re feeling and ask how he feels about it. If you’re both into the idea, then have a discussion about how you both see it working and what the rules should be. Perhaps you would want to treat this as a timed trial – see how monogamy works for a couple months and then revisit the question. Perhaps you’d want to try a semi-monogamous commitment; some activities such as penetrative sex are off the table but other things are permitted.

Just don’t spend the emotional and mental bandwidth looking for reasons why things are about to go wrong. The worst thing you can do in a happy relationship is waste it waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you’re borrowing trouble from the future, you make it impossible to enjoy the now.

Keep those lines of communication open with your guy and don’t sweat the labels. Your relationship can be whatever you two decide it is.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)