DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have been a loyal reader of your column for a long time now and always think you give great advice and really get to the heart of things. My question isn’t really asking for advice so much as asking what your thoughts are on something I’ve noticed a lot in comment sections and online discussions, both on this site and lots of other places (and in offline life too)!

Backstory: Ten years ago, I cheated on my husband, which resulted in us getting a divorce. I had lots of reasons for cheating (my husband was emotionally distant, the thrill of something new, the fact that the other person was moving away and there was a heightened sense of “now or never” to it), but the bottom line is that I cheated, and it was a horrible dick move, and although I’m happier now that I’m out of that marriage, that was definitely not the right way to go about self-destructing it. I was entirely in the wrong and I feel bad about it, but at this point there’s nothing I can do to change what happened.

My question is that there’s this culture of unforgiveness when it comes to cheaters, and it bothers me. I know what I did back then was wrong, but so many people act like cheaters are irredeemable assholes who should never be trusted in a relationship again no matter what. Even outside of the dating world, infidelity is talked about like it’s something that is just a permanent moral failure that can’t ever be forgiven. I’ve had friends who pretty much dumped me when they found out why my marriage failed. I’ve had co-workers make snide remarks about me being untrustworthy. I haven’t really gone back out into the dating world (I’ve been happy to be single), but if/when I do decide to get back out there, I’m afraid I’ll be outright rejected because of it. I try not to really advertise what happened, but I live in a small community, so people tend to find out even if I don’t say anything.

Again, I take responsibility for what I did. I would never claim that it was a good thing or that it was justified, and if I could go back in time and change things, I definitely would. So I’m not asking you or your readers to say that cheating is A-OK and I didn’t do anything wrong, because it’s not and I did. It’s just kind of discouraging to think that I’m always going to be seen as untrustworthy and unforgivable for something that happened one time a decade ago that I realize was a mistake.

Is there any forgiveness in society for a cheater? Should there be? How can I address this when people find out about my past?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts. You rock.

Once a Cheater

DEAR ONCE A CHEATER: There’re a few things going on here, OaC.

The first is that we, as a culture, treat infidelity as a universal and inevitable wrong, the worst thing that you could do to somebody. Some of this stems from old cultural fears of hidden parentage and the anxiety around the idea of being “tricked” into raising somebody else’s child instead of your own. Some of it comes from a sense of possessiveness – the anger that comes from “somebody touched my stuff!” Another portion comes from the betrayal of trust, or fears of the loss of affection or the potential exposure to sexually-transmitted infections. And still more comes from the way that we equate monogamy with romantic love and the idea that if you love someone you only want them. So when somebody cheats on their partner, they’re in effect committing a crime against love itself.

The next is that many people have a fear of being cheated on. Call it insecurity, call it free-floating anxiety, call it low self-esteem, but lots of people live in near-mortal fear that their partner is going to step out on them and what does this say about them? For many people, the idea that their partner may – or has – cheated on them becomes a referendum on their worth as a person. Maybe they weren’t good enough. Maybe their partner was unsatisfied and decided to go looking for sex somewhere else. Worse: maybe they were being used, a patsy or stepping stone for their partner’s desire to move up the value ladder, as it were. In these cases, cheating isn’t so much about their partner having cheated but the existential threat it represents to their very identity.

Then there are studies that suggest — not prove, suggest — that if someone has cheated in the past, they’re more likely to cheat again in the future. Now to be sure, correlation isn’t causation, but people will take studies like this as iron-clad confirmation regardless of what the data actually says.

Of course, there’re also many people who have had experience with having been cheated on – either directly by having been the betrayed partner, or indirectly, by seeing the pain and heartache it’s caused. Folks who’ve been through this particular experience are more likely to have a lot of negative impressions on someone who’s cheated, regardless of circumstance. Why would they want to be around someone who caused pain like they experienced, either first or second-hand?

And then there’s a psychological blindspot that hits all of us known as The Just World fallacy. The short version of The Just World fallacy is that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This manifests itself in dating in a multitude of ways, but especially around the concept of cheating. Since being cheated on is a bad thing to go through, it stands to reason that the person who experienced it deserved it to some degree. You can see this in some of the common reactions that people have to finding out that somebody’s partner cheated: he or she must’ve driven their partner to it somehow. Maybe they were frigid or let themselves go or couldn’t satisfy their partner and so the cheater had to look elsewhere.

But at the same time, we also see the cheater as irrevocably bad, because they did a bad thing. Monogamy is one of the few things that we expect people to execute perfectly on the first try; should they slip up, then that’s an indication that they’re an awful person rather than an indicator that monogamy is frequently difficult. Their entire character MUST be in question, because only bad people do bad things. There is often little room for nuance in an infidelity; a one-time moment of weakness and regret is morally equal to a serial adulterer who callously betrays their partners. But part of what infuriates us about cheaters and adulterers is how often they don’t seem to suffer for their actions. This violates the idea of order and justice in the universe – if they’re a bad person, then they should have bad things happen to them, no? Now it’s not just that they’ve transgressed, but they’ve also broken the rules and somehow escaped their punishment. When we believe that morality has a law of cause and effect – for every action, good or bad, there’s an equal consequence – then people who don’t suffer the consequences for their missteps are somehow cheating the system. This outrages us, because we want to see them get their just desserts. And, in it’s own way, this belief gives people the right to be the agent of karma; if the universe won’t punish them, then we will because God forbid that someone not meet a suitably ironic fate for their actions.

Should there be forgiveness for a cheater? I think so, at least for some. Obviously, some people are just a

s… but not everybody is. I’m a believer that not every infidelity is equal, and that there are times when cheating is the least-bad option out of a collection of awful options. I’m also a big believer in people’s ability to grow and change and be better than they were before. When we treat any and all sins as irrevocable, regardless of how someone has changed, then we take away any motivation to seek redemption and to improve. And let’s be real: NONE of us are free from sin or f

k ups or things that we really regret having done.

How do you handle this part of your past, when you dip your toe back into the dating pool? To be quite honest, I’d stuff it down the memory hole; relationships aren’t depositions and we’re not required to air all our secrets and regrets to our partners, especially if it’s no longer relevant. If and when it comes up, then take ownership of it as part of your past. It’s what you did in the past, not who you are now. “I did a stupid thing, back when I was younger and stupider. It was a bad choice that seemed like a good idea at the time and I regret having made it. I wish I could go back and do things differently, but I can’t. All I can do is move forward, now I know better and I wouldn’t make that mistake again.” And then you let it go.

How they react will tell you what you need to know about them. If they’re someone who can’t handle the fact that you’re not a pure and perfect cinnamon roll, but are a flawed and imperfect human like everybody else… well, that’s on them. You now know that the two of you would never have worked and you’re free to find someone who’s right for you.

You did a s

*ty thing, OaC. But that was a long time ago and you’re a different person now. Learn from your mistakes, but don’t let them define you. You’ve lived through your past. Now it’s time for you to create your future, on your own terms.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 25 year old male virgin, and I need advice when it comes to reading signs and how to take things to the next step.

I don’t find it particular difficult to talk to people or women but I have 0 experience with women/dating due to suffering with anxiety in my teens. My problem is I have such little experience when it comes to dating that I feel like i have no idea what I’m doing, where to start or what to do if I find myself in the situation.

For example, a few days ago I went out for a few drinks with a girl I work with who I’ve been interested in for a while. On occasion, I get the feeling she feels the same way I do, but I don’t know the signs on how she feels or if I should try to take it further then “work friends”, or how I would progress it from just drinks to maybe more. She seemed open and warm to me, but then cold at times too. I also know she has a lot of stress recently and she’s even said to me she isn’t ready to date somebody so I feel I shouldn’t push it. Even so, there are times where her body language and her outright flirting make me question what I should be doing. I feel so inept with dating or just women in general that if she or somebody else where to give or have given me signs they would go over my head.

I feel like it’s too late for me because when it comes to dating, I feel like a lost little boy. 

Thanks 

I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

DEAR I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING: Everyone’s gotta start somewhere, IHNIWID, and most of us don’t get an instruction manual when it comes to dating. Now, while I’ve written a book specifically for guys like you to help learn the ins and outs of dating, at the end of the day, what you need to do is just muscle up and take your chance. You can read and study until your eyes bleed and your fingers are worn to the bone, but you’re still going to have to get out there, take your chances and make some mistakes.

None of this is terribly difficult; all you have to say is “hey, I really enjoy the time we spend together and I’d like to see if there’s the potential for more. If you’re interested, I’d love to take you out on a date to do $COOL_THING”.  And then you wait. If she says yes, then congratulations, I hope you have an awesome first date. If she says no – or gives you an indirect or “soft no” like “I’m just not ready to date right now” or “I have no time” – then you say “OK, cool, I just wanted to ask.” And then you continue your friendship as though nothing’s changed, because, honestly? Nothing has. She’s still her, you’re still you and it’s only going to get awkward if you make it awkward. If you treat things as if it’s all good, so will she.

But you’re not going to make any progress until you start putting yourself out there, IDKWID. So do some studying to help get ready… but if you want to start getting some experience, you’re gonna have to take a deep breath and dive in.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 34 year old male. I’ve never kissed, sex, relationship, etc… I don’t mind discussing this with people I know. I feel like because I’m too open about my situation people think I’m looking for self pity. I don’t really, I just want them to know about my situation so it’s not awkward when it comes up later in time. I’m not embarrassed, but I know that some people look at as a red flag… especially women. So my question is : Is my openness about my situation really a redflag/dealbreaker? I’m not good with secrets. I also think I use it as an excuse when I get the vibe they don’t understand me.

Too Much Information?

DEAR TOO MUCH INFORMATION: The question you’re asking isn’t necessarily the question you think you’re asking, TMI.

I’ve talked a lot about the bulls

t shame that men get about virginity and sexual inexperience and how that ties into toxic definitions of masculinity and how experience or inexperience isn’t something to be ashamed of. That being said: much like people who misuse the term sex-positive means (or misunderstand what it means), there’s a difference between not being ashamed and inappropriate sharing.

See, one of the things that we look for in friends and partners is emotional and social intelligence: whether they understand social rules, know when it’s appropriate to discuss things and when it isn’t and – critically – what information people don’t necessarily need to know. People who don’t conform to the expected social rules make us uncomfortable; sometimes it’s simply a matter of informing us of things that we don’t want to know, other times it’s a question of “if they don’t get this rule, what other, more important rules do they not get?” So when you’re sharing incredibly personal things about yourself – such as being an older virgin – the question isn’t always about what you’re sharing but when.

If you’re just blurting this information out during the “getting to know you” phase of a date or interacting with your co-workers… well, that’s generally not the right time. You’re telling people far more about yourself than they want to know, never mind need to, and usually at a time when it’s not socially appropriate. If you’re talking about sex or past relationships, that’s one thing. If you’re just dropping this truth-bomb in the middle of a conversation, a “Just FYI, I’ve never had someone else touch my penis. So about those Spurs…”, well that’s just going to be weird.

There’s also the question of how much of this you’re sharing. Not everyone needs to get the full disclosure about your sexual history (or lack thereof). You’re not giving a deposition, you’re having a conversation. You can just leave it as “yeah, I haven’t dated much” or “I’ve never had a serious girlfriend/boyfriend”; most of the time that’s all anyone wants to know. If they want to know more, they’ll ask and then you can go into more detail. When and if someone should know more – such as when you’re about to get busy – then you can tell them more. But even then, a simple “just so you know, I’ve never done this before,” tends to work better than a sudden and unexpected download about the hows and whys of your sexual history.

And as always: how you talk about it is important. People will follow your lead when you talk about yourself. If you’re revealing that you’re inexperienced like it’s a giant flaw, then people will respond like it’s a giant personal flaw. If you roll it out like it’s no big deal, it’s just part of who you are, then they’ll treat it like it’s no big deal. And if they do get weird about it… well that tells you a lot about them, doesn’t it? If someone sees your experience or lack thereof as a deal-breaker, then that’s their problem and they’ve just self-selected as someone you wouldn’t want to date anyway.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’d love it if you could shed some light on my situation, you always make sense and I appreciate how much you take lots of angles and even a meta-perspective into account usually. I’m a young woman in my mid twenties. I have a fulfilling life: lots of hobbies and interests, a good career, I’m always on the lookout to travel, I have moved to different cities because of studies/jobs a lot while maintaining close relationships with my family and friends, I love to learn and think about new stuff all the time. I’m a bit of a free spirit and I identify as polyamourous. (I can cite some passages from “the ethical slut” and other literature on the subject by heart and have internalized and lived by its values). I’ve had an open relationship in the past, where I had one “boyfriend” and 1-2 “mini-relationships”. My boyfriend had the occasional “extra-curricular activity”. It worked for us that way, things ended a year ago for reasons that had nothing to do with being open/poly.

Now “the problem”: a few months ago I met a guy who is a few years younger and we hit it off right away: we love talking about the same topics, we both love to travel, we have heaps of fun together, we just vibe very well. One drunk night we landed it bed together and, you can guess it, had sex. A week later, I discovered that I took his virginity that night, without knowing it at the time of the act. We talked about how I felt bad because it wouldn’t have happened like that if I had known that beforehand. He said he had no regrets and didn’t want to say anything because he thought it wouldn’t have happened otherwise. (He has a point there, but I still feel taken advantage of and like I took advantage of him at the same time as well). We then had the “what are we talk”. It was clear to him from the get-go that I am poly and that we could build a loving friendship but without being exclusive. He understood, asked the right questions, we talked about “the rules”. Everything is still going fantastic in the 2 months we’ve been together now. We still vibe well, enjoy our time together (even though we live 100 miles apart), talk about feelings/issues, he buys me gifts, we do fun trips, he introduced me to his friends and family (I didn’t introduce him to family because that’s not something I do). Even though I am his first girlfriend, he just gets everything right about communication etc., which just proves again what a great human being he is.

And that is my “problem”: it is going so well, that I am confused. He makes me want all those mundane, typical societal things I’ve looked down on for so long: suddenly I’d like to settle in something typical and exclusive and couple-y – even though that is in direct conflict with everything I have believed in and stood for in the past and have defended with reason and fire against nay-sayers about open relationships.

Please help:

– Should I go against my nature and try being exclusive? How do I even bring that up, after it took a lot of conversation to explain polygamy to him in the first place? Is he even going to want monogamy, perhaps he likes me that much because of my poly-nature?

– Will it affect our relationship for the worse? maybe it goes so well because we only see each other sporadically (because of the distance)?

– Sometimes I feel like I am using him because I am older and more experienced in the sexual and relationship department – any thoughts on that? Is being poly with someone like that even fair? Can he really make a good estimation on the topic if he never had a girlfriend before?

Please help – suddenly everything I was so sure of isn’t that sure anymore. My thoughts need some structure.

Thanks in advance!

Cheerfully Confused

DEAR CHEERFULLY CONFUSED: I think you’re making things more complicated than they need to be, CC.

Here’s the wonderful thing about people: they’re complicated and complex. We lay down these rules and labels, many of which are absolutely arbitrary, and then freak out when we realize that they’re not perfectly universal. We grow and change and find people who push us out of our comfort zones and into worlds that we never thought would apply to us and then we get scared because suddenly everything is different. The problem is when we tense up and try to force things into ill-fitting labels and rules instead of just going with the flow and seeing where things take us.

Right now you’ve got a boyfriend who’s making you think all kinds of thoughts that are contrary to how you’ve defined yourself. You’ve always been poly and now you’re thinking about being exclusive… ok, and? You’re allowed to try different relationship formats as long as your partner or partners are down with it. Maybe you’re in a more monogamous period of your life. Maybe this particular relationship with this particular guy is just an exception to your general rules. Or maybe this is just a temporary thing and it will pass as your relationship grows and matures. The key is to not freak out about it. This doesn’t mean that you were wrong to be poly or that there’s something more “correct” about monogamy… it just means this is where you are right now. If you’re down with giving exclusivity a shot, then hell, go for it. You and your partner or partners have the right to set the rules of your relationship as you see fit.

(That being said, experimenting with exclusivity for the first time in a long-distance relationship makes an already difficult relationship even more difficult, so be prepared.)

It’s admirable that you’re concerned about using him or leveraging his inexperience against him, and that’s a sign that you’re a good, ethical and caring lover. Users and abusers don’t concern themselves with such questions. You should keep in mind that no relationship is going to be perfectly balanced and egalitarian. There’s always going to be one partner who has more experience than the other. Nobody is going to have the exact same history or experiences as their lovers; that’s just how the world is. The key is not using that differential as a weapon, and believe me, the less-experienced partner is just as capable of wielding that whip as the more experienced one. Don’t assume that just because he hasn’t seen or done as much as you have that he’s incapable of making decisions for himself. He’s a big boy and he’s perfectly qualified to decide what sort of relationship he wants to try.

The way that you make things work – as is true in every relationship – is communication, communication, communication. As I’m always telling people, the answers to most relationship difficulties is to use your words. Every relationship is an ongoing conversation, after all.

Case in point: the poly vs. monogamy question You’ve talked about being poly before and what it means, so now talk about monogamy. Explain how you’re feeling and ask how he feels about it. If you’re both into the idea, then have a discussion about how you both see it working and what the rules should be. Perhaps you would want to treat this as a timed trial – see how monogamy works for a couple months and then revisit the question. Perhaps you’d want to try a semi-monogamous commitment; some activities such as penetrative sex are off the table but other things are permitted.

Just don’t spend the emotional and mental bandwidth looking for reasons why things are about to go wrong. The worst thing you can do in a happy relationship is waste it waiting for the other shoe to drop. When you’re borrowing trouble from the future, you make it impossible to enjoy the now.

Keep those lines of communication open with your guy and don’t sweat the labels. Your relationship can be whatever you two decide it is.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was a very late bloomer during my teenage years. As a result, it took me a long time to develop an interest in the ladies. To add up to the problem, I’m very introverted as well. I have also had some bad luck with the people I have been interested in labeling me as “just a friend”. The result: I have never done anything with women beyond maybe some hugs. No kissing, or sex.

I got into college a little late (I was 27). Went through a few semesters without friends, just acquaintances. Finally, 2 years in, I met a few people. I developed a crush on one of the girls, but she had a boyfriend at the time. I figured things were finally looking up for me; I could maybe meet more people through these friends. Maybe meet a girl somewhere inbetween?

After a semester with them, things started to derail. One of them dropped his course, another girl started dating a guy and quit the group. The girl with the boyfriend moved. I was alone again.

I kept in touch with the girl I had a crush on. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend, and, well, I got a bad case of oneitis; I started going after her pretty hard, even offering to visit her in her new city just so I could try something and at least get the kiss part over with.

Turns out she wasn’t that fond of the idea. I had to get three soft-no’s to get a grip. It sucked, but then it dawned to me that I was back at square one.

I don’t really know how to do much about dating. I’m currently trying tinder and other dating apps, and while I do get matches, I’m bad at escalating things. Sometimes I’ll message for too long and get unmatched. Sometimes I’ll get ghosted. I went for a walk with a girl from tinder one time. While I enjoyed it, I chickened out and didn’t really try anything other than talking (I’m a great listener). It makes me feel really awkward and terrible that I don’t know how to do these basic things at my age.

I’m kind of thorn about this. Half the time I’ll understand this was mostly due to my lack of attitude, some outside factors, past history, etc, and that there are things I can do about it now… but the other half I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I mostly worry that, if I do meet someone, they might not understand and reject me, or label me under “weird”.

I have even looked up escorts online (but didn’t message them) to maybe get it over with, but I’m not sure how to go about it, or if it will even help me in the first place.

Help me out, Doc

Misfit-But-Still-Collectible-Toy

DEAR MISFIT BUT STILL COLLECTIBLE TOY: Let me help you with something that may put your mind at ease: you’re going through the exact same thing that literally everybody goes through when it comes to dating. Everybody starts from zero. Nobody comes to dating or relationships with an instruction manual. Hell, that is literally why I write this column: to provide that instruction that people wish they’d had growing up.

Everybody starts out with no experience and has to fumble their way forward. If you’re lucky, you might have a role-model who you can look to for advice or guidance. Some people are extremely lucky to have a natural gift with human interaction. But even they have to crawl before they walk and walk before they run. And – as everyone can tell you – learning to walk and running means falling over a lot in the process.

If you want to learn to walk, you’re going to have to let yourself fall a few times. Maybe even a lot. You’re going to pick up some bruises, same as everyone else did, but those bruises are signs that you’re trying things. You’re pushing yourself. You’re taking risks. Sometimes those risks are ill-advised, like your oneitisget the best of you. But you learned and now you know better.

And let’s be real here: you’re obviously doing some things right. You’re getting matches, you’re getting dates. That’s pretty damn good. Ghosting happens, regardless of your experience. Dates to nowhere happen. That’s just part of the dating experience for everybody.

Your biggest problem, to be honest is that you need to take more risks, MBSCT. You have to be willing to court rejection and failure because failure is part of how we learn. Now, this doesn’t mean that you should dive into things head first. You don’t need to, say, go for a kiss in the first 10 minutes of a date because screw it why not. But you should stop hesitating or waiting for 100% certainty for things. You’ve had a few good back-and-forths on Tinder? Time to ask them for a date. Things are going well on a date? Ask her for a second. She’s giving the “I want to kiss you” signs? Tell her you want to kiss her and see what happens. If you get rejected… well, it sucks, but you took that risk. Each chance you take makes the next one that much easier. You learn a little more about what to look for and – critically – that you can take that chance and survive. 

And sometimes when you fall, you fly.

You may be starting a little later than average, but that’s not a bad thing. You’re not in a race or a competition with anybody, you’re on a journey. You don’t have a deadline. You don’t need to catch up to anyone. You just need to get where you’re going, in your own time and at your own pace.

You’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 21 year old woman living and studying in the United Kingdom, and I wondered if you could answer a question for me.

I’m currently single and happy to be so. I enjoy the company of friends and family, but am quite introverted and enjoy being alone.

I dated a guy for a few months a couple of years ago, but I wasn’t so keen and we broke it off. I have never had any kind sexual intimacy with a partner before, but I’m very aware of my desires and drive and curious about having sex. I don’t identify as any sexuality; I just don’t know yet.

My question is; if I ever pulled at a bar or a club, would it be a good idea to sleep with them?

First of all, twenty-one may be seen as pretty old for being a virgin, and will probably put them off. And while I want to have sex in theory, I’m sure I’d be pretty scared if it ever actually happened. This person could well be a stranger, and I wouldn’t know who they were or what they could do. I have been diagnosed with GAD, and am pretty sure that I probably have a lot of social anxiety.

If going out with mates can sometimes be difficult, the idea of intimacy seems almost impossible. Friends and peers who have had sex make it sound really easy, like breathing, and I’m often surprised when they say how young they were when they had their first time (nothing illegal or shocking, btw)! I feel like i must have been off sick when they had that lesson.

I also have quite a quirky personality. I’m pretty nerdy and bookish, but enjoy wearing make-up and keeping in shape. I like to crack a lot of jokes, talk about odd things, and make people around me laugh. I doubt, however, that these things make me particularly sexy.

So this is just a question more than anything. I’m not as I’m saying this about to hit the town, so I guess it’s kind of hypothetical. And to be honest; I think I know what your answer would be; wait until I’m in a relationship with someone I’m comfortable with and then see how it goes. Thing is, I’m not even sure if I feel romantic attraction as I’ve never really had a crush on anyone I’ve known. I dated my ex because he seemed like a lovely guy and I wanted to give it a go.

I have to admit, that this question is mostly fueled by my libido, and that’s never a great start. I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship right now; I have enough to worry about in terms of study and getting a job as it is.

I guess what I’m asking is if I really, really wanted to take the plunge and take someone home, how could I go about doing it, and what could I do to keep safe?

Sorry for the weird question. The writing probably sounds a bit formal, and to be honest, I feel odd for asking. I don’t think people see me as being a very sexual person on the outside, and I probably flatter myself by making it sound like getting another’s interest would be easy in the first place.

Thank you for bearing with me,

Girl In An Oyster Shell

DEAR GIRL IN AN OYSTER SHELL: Let’s start with an obvious question, GIAOS: do you want to have sex? Is this an actual need that you’re feeling and you are starting to ache to fulfill it? Is it more of a curiosity, wanting to know what you’re missing? Is it something that’d be nice, but something you could live without if necessary?

What I would suggest hinges a little on those answers. Sexuality is less of a spectrum and more of a Japanese multi-axis graph; some people get incredibly horny but as a slow-burn for specific individuals. Others are voraciously omnisexual, still others don’t have a sex-drive at all. Some crave members of one gender but will sleep with members of a different gender if they’re sufficiently hard up.

So if you’re demisexual, for example, it’s not going to do you much good to go trawling bars and clubs for a hook-up. Just something to consider while you’re pondering your options.

Meanwhile, let’s talk about some of your fears and anxieties for a second. The first is that at 21, you’re behind the curve for sexuality and people will judge you for it. And while this may be true – assholes are everywhere after all – there are guys out there who aren’t going to see this as being bad or a deal breaker. The folks who treat your being a virgin as something shameful or unusual are self-selecting out of your dating pool and your bed.

As for strangers… yeah, that’s a risk. That’s a risk everyone takes when it comes to sex and dating. You help mitigate those risks by being aware of them, understanding your vulnerabilities and correcting for them as best you can. You keep your bulls

t detector fine-tuned, you watch for danger signs. If you don’t necessarily trust your judgement, then you have friends who can help you vet potential candidates. Sex is a full-contact sport and comes with inherent risks, same as snowboarding or skiing. You go in using best practices and safety procedures and do your best.

Now, all that having been said, there is a fairly simple answer to your dilemma, GIAOS: don’t look to hooking up with a stranger for your first time. You may well want to look to some of the guys you alreadyknow instead. Presumably you know them well enough to know which ones are the most respectful and trustworthy. You’re already comfortable with them – you have that pre-existing friendship – which makes talking to them and being relaxed around them easier. That alone makes them better potential partners than rolling the dice on Johnny Rando from the bar.

There’s also an advantage to looking to friends you know than someone you pulled on a night out: they’re more likely to actually know what they’re doing and make an effort to please you, especially if they’re agreeing to be your first time. One of the reasons why a lot of women don’t care for casual sex is because the sex is so rarely worth it. Most guys will get off in a casual encounter; far fewer women will.Someone who knows you, respects you and is invested in your comfort and pleasure is going to be a better lover than someone who’s just looking to bust a nut and call it a night.

So consider picking a single guy friend you trust and find attractive and tell him that you want some no-strings, time-to-lose-your-virginity sex and is he down to get down?

This approach can have drawbacks; there’re folks who’re just bad at keeping things casual. Some guys have a hard time seeing sex – especially sex with a friend – as being just about sex for sex’s sake and get awkward about it. And even people you know well can have a bad case of Crouching Good Guy, Hidden Douchebag.

But overall, there’re fewer risks to looking to a friend for a casual one-off, especially if all you want is to get the virginity thing taken care of.

Or, if it’s more your speed, go on some dates, vet some dudes and see if you feel good about giving them a shot. It can take a bit longer, especially if you’re looking for something more hit-it-and-quit-it, but it’s the more common approach.

All up to you and what feels like the right approach for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)