DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was a very late bloomer during my teenage years. As a result, it took me a long time to develop an interest in the ladies. To add up to the problem, I’m very introverted as well. I have also had some bad luck with the people I have been interested in labeling me as “just a friend”. The result: I have never done anything with women beyond maybe some hugs. No kissing, or sex.

I got into college a little late (I was 27). Went through a few semesters without friends, just acquaintances. Finally, 2 years in, I met a few people. I developed a crush on one of the girls, but she had a boyfriend at the time. I figured things were finally looking up for me; I could maybe meet more people through these friends. Maybe meet a girl somewhere inbetween?

After a semester with them, things started to derail. One of them dropped his course, another girl started dating a guy and quit the group. The girl with the boyfriend moved. I was alone again.

I kept in touch with the girl I had a crush on. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend, and, well, I got a bad case of oneitis; I started going after her pretty hard, even offering to visit her in her new city just so I could try something and at least get the kiss part over with.

Turns out she wasn’t that fond of the idea. I had to get three soft-no’s to get a grip. It sucked, but then it dawned to me that I was back at square one.

I don’t really know how to do much about dating. I’m currently trying tinder and other dating apps, and while I do get matches, I’m bad at escalating things. Sometimes I’ll message for too long and get unmatched. Sometimes I’ll get ghosted. I went for a walk with a girl from tinder one time. While I enjoyed it, I chickened out and didn’t really try anything other than talking (I’m a great listener). It makes me feel really awkward and terrible that I don’t know how to do these basic things at my age.

I’m kind of thorn about this. Half the time I’ll understand this was mostly due to my lack of attitude, some outside factors, past history, etc, and that there are things I can do about it now… but the other half I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. I mostly worry that, if I do meet someone, they might not understand and reject me, or label me under “weird”.

I have even looked up escorts online (but didn’t message them) to maybe get it over with, but I’m not sure how to go about it, or if it will even help me in the first place.

Help me out, Doc

Misfit-But-Still-Collectible-Toy

DEAR MISFIT BUT STILL COLLECTIBLE TOY: Let me help you with something that may put your mind at ease: you’re going through the exact same thing that literally everybody goes through when it comes to dating. Everybody starts from zero. Nobody comes to dating or relationships with an instruction manual. Hell, that is literally why I write this column: to provide that instruction that people wish they’d had growing up.

Everybody starts out with no experience and has to fumble their way forward. If you’re lucky, you might have a role-model who you can look to for advice or guidance. Some people are extremely lucky to have a natural gift with human interaction. But even they have to crawl before they walk and walk before they run. And – as everyone can tell you – learning to walk and running means falling over a lot in the process.

If you want to learn to walk, you’re going to have to let yourself fall a few times. Maybe even a lot. You’re going to pick up some bruises, same as everyone else did, but those bruises are signs that you’re trying things. You’re pushing yourself. You’re taking risks. Sometimes those risks are ill-advised, like your oneitisget the best of you. But you learned and now you know better.

And let’s be real here: you’re obviously doing some things right. You’re getting matches, you’re getting dates. That’s pretty damn good. Ghosting happens, regardless of your experience. Dates to nowhere happen. That’s just part of the dating experience for everybody.

Your biggest problem, to be honest is that you need to take more risks, MBSCT. You have to be willing to court rejection and failure because failure is part of how we learn. Now, this doesn’t mean that you should dive into things head first. You don’t need to, say, go for a kiss in the first 10 minutes of a date because screw it why not. But you should stop hesitating or waiting for 100% certainty for things. You’ve had a few good back-and-forths on Tinder? Time to ask them for a date. Things are going well on a date? Ask her for a second. She’s giving the “I want to kiss you” signs? Tell her you want to kiss her and see what happens. If you get rejected… well, it sucks, but you took that risk. Each chance you take makes the next one that much easier. You learn a little more about what to look for and – critically – that you can take that chance and survive. 

And sometimes when you fall, you fly.

You may be starting a little later than average, but that’s not a bad thing. You’re not in a race or a competition with anybody, you’re on a journey. You don’t have a deadline. You don’t need to catch up to anyone. You just need to get where you’re going, in your own time and at your own pace.

You’ll be fine.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am a 21 year old woman living and studying in the United Kingdom, and I wondered if you could answer a question for me.

I’m currently single and happy to be so. I enjoy the company of friends and family, but am quite introverted and enjoy being alone.

I dated a guy for a few months a couple of years ago, but I wasn’t so keen and we broke it off. I have never had any kind sexual intimacy with a partner before, but I’m very aware of my desires and drive and curious about having sex. I don’t identify as any sexuality; I just don’t know yet.

My question is; if I ever pulled at a bar or a club, would it be a good idea to sleep with them?

First of all, twenty-one may be seen as pretty old for being a virgin, and will probably put them off. And while I want to have sex in theory, I’m sure I’d be pretty scared if it ever actually happened. This person could well be a stranger, and I wouldn’t know who they were or what they could do. I have been diagnosed with GAD, and am pretty sure that I probably have a lot of social anxiety.

If going out with mates can sometimes be difficult, the idea of intimacy seems almost impossible. Friends and peers who have had sex make it sound really easy, like breathing, and I’m often surprised when they say how young they were when they had their first time (nothing illegal or shocking, btw)! I feel like i must have been off sick when they had that lesson.

I also have quite a quirky personality. I’m pretty nerdy and bookish, but enjoy wearing make-up and keeping in shape. I like to crack a lot of jokes, talk about odd things, and make people around me laugh. I doubt, however, that these things make me particularly sexy.

So this is just a question more than anything. I’m not as I’m saying this about to hit the town, so I guess it’s kind of hypothetical. And to be honest; I think I know what your answer would be; wait until I’m in a relationship with someone I’m comfortable with and then see how it goes. Thing is, I’m not even sure if I feel romantic attraction as I’ve never really had a crush on anyone I’ve known. I dated my ex because he seemed like a lovely guy and I wanted to give it a go.

I have to admit, that this question is mostly fueled by my libido, and that’s never a great start. I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship right now; I have enough to worry about in terms of study and getting a job as it is.

I guess what I’m asking is if I really, really wanted to take the plunge and take someone home, how could I go about doing it, and what could I do to keep safe?

Sorry for the weird question. The writing probably sounds a bit formal, and to be honest, I feel odd for asking. I don’t think people see me as being a very sexual person on the outside, and I probably flatter myself by making it sound like getting another’s interest would be easy in the first place.

Thank you for bearing with me,

Girl In An Oyster Shell

DEAR GIRL IN AN OYSTER SHELL: Let’s start with an obvious question, GIAOS: do you want to have sex? Is this an actual need that you’re feeling and you are starting to ache to fulfill it? Is it more of a curiosity, wanting to know what you’re missing? Is it something that’d be nice, but something you could live without if necessary?

What I would suggest hinges a little on those answers. Sexuality is less of a spectrum and more of a Japanese multi-axis graph; some people get incredibly horny but as a slow-burn for specific individuals. Others are voraciously omnisexual, still others don’t have a sex-drive at all. Some crave members of one gender but will sleep with members of a different gender if they’re sufficiently hard up.

So if you’re demisexual, for example, it’s not going to do you much good to go trawling bars and clubs for a hook-up. Just something to consider while you’re pondering your options.

Meanwhile, let’s talk about some of your fears and anxieties for a second. The first is that at 21, you’re behind the curve for sexuality and people will judge you for it. And while this may be true – assholes are everywhere after all – there are guys out there who aren’t going to see this as being bad or a deal breaker. The folks who treat your being a virgin as something shameful or unusual are self-selecting out of your dating pool and your bed.

As for strangers… yeah, that’s a risk. That’s a risk everyone takes when it comes to sex and dating. You help mitigate those risks by being aware of them, understanding your vulnerabilities and correcting for them as best you can. You keep your bulls

t detector fine-tuned, you watch for danger signs. If you don’t necessarily trust your judgement, then you have friends who can help you vet potential candidates. Sex is a full-contact sport and comes with inherent risks, same as snowboarding or skiing. You go in using best practices and safety procedures and do your best.

Now, all that having been said, there is a fairly simple answer to your dilemma, GIAOS: don’t look to hooking up with a stranger for your first time. You may well want to look to some of the guys you alreadyknow instead. Presumably you know them well enough to know which ones are the most respectful and trustworthy. You’re already comfortable with them – you have that pre-existing friendship – which makes talking to them and being relaxed around them easier. That alone makes them better potential partners than rolling the dice on Johnny Rando from the bar.

There’s also an advantage to looking to friends you know than someone you pulled on a night out: they’re more likely to actually know what they’re doing and make an effort to please you, especially if they’re agreeing to be your first time. One of the reasons why a lot of women don’t care for casual sex is because the sex is so rarely worth it. Most guys will get off in a casual encounter; far fewer women will.Someone who knows you, respects you and is invested in your comfort and pleasure is going to be a better lover than someone who’s just looking to bust a nut and call it a night.

So consider picking a single guy friend you trust and find attractive and tell him that you want some no-strings, time-to-lose-your-virginity sex and is he down to get down?

This approach can have drawbacks; there’re folks who’re just bad at keeping things casual. Some guys have a hard time seeing sex – especially sex with a friend – as being just about sex for sex’s sake and get awkward about it. And even people you know well can have a bad case of Crouching Good Guy, Hidden Douchebag.

But overall, there’re fewer risks to looking to a friend for a casual one-off, especially if all you want is to get the virginity thing taken care of.

Or, if it’s more your speed, go on some dates, vet some dudes and see if you feel good about giving them a shot. It can take a bit longer, especially if you’re looking for something more hit-it-and-quit-it, but it’s the more common approach.

All up to you and what feels like the right approach for you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, I’m a big fan – I’ve been following your website and YouTube channel for over a year now, and I’ve also read your book New Game+. I work as a psychologist, and I would say that a lot of your advice is very sound and follows the same principles I’ll use when working with clients. My question is around desiring women who you might not be compatible with.

Long story short, I think I’m a fairly desirable person; I’m fairly good looking (24 years old), I’m completing a PhD, I’ve competed in outdoor sports for over 10 years, I play an instrument, I’ve travelled and lived in several countries (on the flipside, nowadays I spend most of my days working late amongst grey-haired academics!). I KNOW how to talk to people and make a connection, and I know the importance of practising positivity in your daily outlook on life. Two years ago I broke up with my girlfriend (who was almost 10 years older than me, held a PhD) – I thought I wanted to marry her, but for several reasons I decided I wasn’t happy being with her. Since then, I found out she’s moved on, and I’ve accordingly developed a bad case of Oneitis, wishing I’d never broken up with her!

When the relationship ended I was determined to ‘play the field’ (I had a conservative upbringing and didn’t indulge in hedonic desires… until I came to my senses in my 20’s!). I’ve always had fantasies of being with a stream of fit, attractive, young women who I’m surrounded by at university everyday. However, my success in this venture has been zero – in fact, I’ve had sex once in 2 years, with someone who I was not even that attracted to as a person.

I’m stuck. I feel as though every time I make an attempt at speaking or flirting with these young, attractive women in their 20’s, they’re either A) uninterested, or B) think I’m weird as hell (I suppose I am a little bit ‘quirky’; I’m like the living incarnation of Dr Frasier Crane or Ross Geller). The flipside of this is that I often find THEM utterly boring or juvenile (but hot nonetheless!). Recently, I met a woman who is in her late 30’s who is actually very interesting and I get on with well… (an academic, moderately attractive), but I feel as though if I started dating her, I will be ‘disappointing myself’ by ‘giving up’ and not managing to sleep with the young women I ‘should be sleeping with’.

Here comes a longer stream of irrational beliefs: I feel like I haven’t had the dating life I’ve wanted my entire life. I don’t feel like any of my girlfriends or one-night stands were super attractive – I frequently lust after the gorgeous girls I see around me, but even the ‘thought’ of having sex with them seems impossible. I have never been able to ‘sow my wild oats’; I hear stories of ‘everyone’ around me who has slept with 10+ women, or people who are just ‘sleeping around’ as if it’s no big deal – and this causes me a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty in myself.

I have become obsessed with this feeling of ‘inadequacy’; like I’m somehow not good enough, or I’m missing out on all the sex that all the other good-looking people are having. I’d like to be able to look back upon my younger days and say “I slept with 10 girls, and I had the ability within me to have casual sex with beautiful women”.

I suppose I feel a bit like a failure at sex and dating, but I’m also conscious that I may be going for the ‘wrong types’ of girls? Perhaps Dr Frasier Crane shouldn’t be going for fit young 20 year olds, but should be going for the well-travelled 30 year old academics? Maybe this is a case of identity crises – a person who is caught between wanting to be a ‘young athletic man’ and a ‘grey haired academic’?

Any advice (or assistance with irrational thinking!) is greatly appreciated!

Yours, 

Be The Ball

DEAR BE THE BALL: There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s start with the fact that you’re young, dude. Most of what you’re hearing about “everyone” around you banging out like rabbits on a meth binge is exaggeration and confirmation bias. Yeah, folks sleep around… but it’s hardly a case that you’re the last American virgin being left behind as everyone has marathon orgies. The lifetime average number of sexual partners for most people is around 7 or so. The fact that you’ve had three partners thus far – that you’ve mentioned, in any case – puts you pretty firmly on course to be in the center of that particular bell curve. More importantly though is that focusing on numbers is a great way to make yourself miserable in short order.

But I’ll come back to that in a second.

Instead, let’s talk a little about how you identify, because you’ve picked two very different archetypes. Frasier Crane isn’t what most people would call “quirky”.  “Prissy”, maybe. “Snobbish” for sure. “A bit up his own ass,” wouldn’t be off either. Frasier is a virtual living stereotype of the Harvard-educated elitist with the benefit of money to back up his tastes. Ross on the other hand… look, let’s just go with “Ross is the worst” and leave it there.

I think what you mean is that you’re something of what other people might call “an old soul”. It sounds like you have more life experience than the average bear in their early 20s – which is actually a plus in the attraction department. However, it also means that you’re going to be in a different stage of life than a lot of people your age. The average age of PhD candidates is 33; most people in their early to mid 20s have just gotten their undergraduate degree and are trying to decide what to do next.

Your early and mid 20s tend to be the years of discovery; you’re dealing with adult responsibilities (for the first time, for many) yet often still have the drive and interests of the young.

That stage of life issue is going to be pretty crucial. One of the reasons I’m a believer in the old rule of thumb that the youngest one can date is “half your age plus 7” is because this keeps you relatively within the rage of someone who’s had similar life experiences. As someone who just crested over 40, I personally find the idea of trying to seriously date someone under the age of 27 to be mind-bogging at best; ignoring the lack of shared cultural touchstones, we’d be in such different places in life it might be hard to make plans in the first place.

Now the reason I bring this up is because similarities are an important part of attraction. The more you have in common with someone, the more you’re going to be attracted to them. This includes things like shared interests, educational levels and social outlook. This is something that a lot of folks overlook: no matter how hot somebody is, if you can’t have a decent conversation with them, it’s really hard to have satisfying sex with ’em.

Believe me. I’ve tried.

A lot.

So therein is going to be part of your dilemma; if you can’t really relate to the young hardbodies you see wandering around, you’re going to have a hard time trying to bed them.

But this isn’t the issue so much as your attitude about it. You, like a lot of guys, have bought into the idea that you’re “supposed” to be having certain kinds of sex – that wild, no-strings sex that everyone else SEEMS to be having at the drop of a hat. And while that’s not a bad thing if that’s what you want, it sounds to me less like you actually want this and more that you feel like you should be capable of it. It seems to me less that this is an actual need so much as a desire to be someone who could have that kind of sex – a bragging point to shore up your masculine bona fides rather than just being someone who likes to screw.

And that… isn’t so healthy. Trying to screw around to prove a point – whether it’s your virility, your desirability or just old-fashioned validation is a great way to not just frustrate yourself but to frustrate yourself and tie your self-worth to things outside of your control. When you fail to get laid, your self-esteem drops into the crapper and when you do succeed… well the sex is rarely actually worth it. In fact a lot of it kind of sucks. You end up sleeping with people who may be traditionally attractive but don’t actually do anything for you. That’s a recipe for the walk of shame afterwards, asking yourself “why did I even bother?” To add insult to injury is that it doesn’t even make you feel better. You won’t feel more satisfied or more manly. In fact, the fact that it hasn’t made you more confident will just make you even more upset and anxious.

To make matters worse, you let this belief that you’re “supposed” to be having this kind of sex get in the way of relationships you do want. To quote the sage: there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Someone you click with, who love for their mind and want for their ass is almost always far better for you than “hot but enh”. Those are the ones that you kick yourself over later. It’s only in hindsight that you realize what you gave up… especially when you realize just how rare it is.

Now this doesn’t mean that relationships are the answer either. I have been on both sides of the equation, my dude. I’ve given up potentially great relationships because I wanted to screw around and they weren’t down with that. I’ve also been in relationships for longer than I should have been and missed out on opportunities because of that. But what I can tell you is that, all things being equal, the quality of the connection will always make you happier than quantity of bodies. The better the connection you have with someone, the better the sex tends to be because you’re able to actually connect and communicate. You’re able to really share with each other and find the things that turn you both on.

And besides: the second time around, they let you do the weird stuff.

But for real, BtB: I think your problem is that you think you’re supposed to be one way, when you really aren’t. Again: been there, done that, started the blog. I thought I wanted to be the club guy. Fast forward far too many late nights and way too much wasted money and that’s a big-assed nope. I was trying to swim against the current of my life’s particular river and believe me: that was a lot of time and energy I could’ve been spending elsewhere. I don’t regret it – it’s what brought me to where I am right now, after all – but man it’d have been nice to have learned those lessons a little faster.

Trust the voice of wisdom when I tell you that you’re better off pursuing the women you’re actually attracted to instead of the ones that society tells you that you should want. If you click with slightly older, more accomplished women… well, that’s going to be way less effort than trying to maintain your erection and pretend you give a damn what that 20-something coed has to say.

Now, if you are someone who needs sexual novelty or who has a high sex drive and wants to bang out, then hey, I approve. Rock out with your c

k out dude. But even then, you’d be better off pursuing women you share commonalities with – even if they’re (gasp) in their 30s, instead of nubile 20-somethings. At least then they’d be people you’re genuinely interested in and can have some sex you might actually enjoy. Plus: you’d be surprised at how many women in their 30s and 40s would be down for some no-strings sex with a hot 20-something dude.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, a little backstory, but I promise I’ll get to the point eventually. I’ve read a lot of your articles these last months. This, combined with reading Brene Brown’s ‘Daring Greatly,’ has been a big help in pushing myself to get out there and make connections – I’m 22, almost 23, and was starting to despair (genuinely lose all hope) of ever meeting someone who I liked that would (miraculously) like me in return. But these two resources gave me the push to try and actively put myself out there – still barely worked, I never would have managed to message her if she hadn’t sent me a like, and it still took me nearly 3 days to screw up my courage – but it changed my life. The last seven months have been some of the happiest in my life. She’s just as nerdy and socially awkward as I am, we share about 90% of the same interests, and it’s great; it is even worth going long distance. She’s a couple years younger than me, and we’re both virgins, and it isn’t technical, either. Hell, she was even my first kiss.

Now, even though I know it’s irrational, I’m having huge anxiety again. Why? She’s hinting that she wants to become physically intimate, which I definitely don’t have anything against. Problem is, I still have almost non-existent self-esteem, much less self-efficacy, where romantic and social issues are concerned. Despite everything I know (and probably also because of it) I’m terrified of being… disappointing.

It’s irrational, I like her and she likes me and so on, but I know in my gut I’ll never forgive myself if I let her down. And in spite of everything I’ve learned (I research basically everything) about different precautions, I’m also terrified at the remotest thought that I might cause her the slightest pain. I want to, but all this conflict in my head is tearing me apart!

If you have any advice for me, please! I need all the help I can get, because I’m exceeding my capacity to work through my issues on my own (again). Anything you say can only help – I reckon I’ve already done about as much damage to my psyche as possible, lol! 

Please help. She’s coming to visit this weekend, and I can only stall so much! 

Thanks,

Stuck In First

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST: I’m going to do you the favor that you need and tell you exactly what to do: DON’T have sex with her.

For real. Take sex off the table. Just accept that it isn’t going to happen this time. Because right now, you’re freaking yourself out over something that’s entirely theoretical and that’s going to make it impossible to actually enjoy her visit. So sex? Not happening. Can’t disappoint her sexually if you don’t actually have sex, yo.

So instead, you’re just going to relax around her. Savor the feeling of being with her. Pay attention to the little things: the warmth radiating from her skin, the scent of her shampoo in her hair, the way she fits up against your side. Be in the moment with no agenda other than just the two of you being present. Don’t worry about performance, being an amazing lover or the risk of disappointing her. Just take each moment and be incredibly present. Let each touch, kiss or caress be it’s own goal and just appreciate how it makes you both feel.

And you know? You’ll probably both be a bit curious. So talk. What does she like, anyway? What turns her on? Cool, here’s what you like and what gets your motor running. And maybe there’s this thing you’ve been interested in but have never done, what about her? Oh, that’s something she wants to try? OK so like this? How does this feel? How does it feel when she does that to you? Ok, lines might start to blur and that resolution that you’re not going to have sex may start to feel a little strained. That’s ok. You’re doing the right thing. Keep that dialogue going – asking, sharing, checking in and just being present. But without expectation – after all, you’ve already let go of the idea that you need to perform for her. So now you’re free for the two of you to talk and share and experiment and see what works for both of you.

Trust me: things will take care of themselves.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a mid-20s male and to be honest, I’m completely lost when it comes to dating these days and I always feel like I’m one step behind everyone else (it probably doesn’t help that I lost my virginity late to my friend, who basically took pity on me). I was brought up in a world where if you like someone, you ask them out, and they go out on a date with you. You keep going on dates and if you like the person, you mutually agree to get into a relationship. If not, you go your own separate ways.

Now it seems like asking someone out on a date (as in a ‘date date’ like a coffee date as opposed to drinks in a bar, which seems decidedly skeezy) is a bad idea, because it feels like you’re asking them to commit to the idea of a relationship early on. So you have to play all these head games about how you’re not looking for a relationship so you can disqualify yourself as relationship material and not scare the other person off. To make matters worse, I’ve asked my female friends for advice and they’ve told me that I’m too much of a ‘good guy’, as in the sort of guy who girls settle down with (I’m an economics grad student and a stereotypically nerdy guy) and not the sort of guy that girls would want for a one night stand or something more casual. Which is fine, but I want some of the more casual stuff (sex being part of the pyramid of needs) and it seems it’s easier to go from hooking up to a relationship rather than meeting to a relationship. So it basically feels like prima facie I’m excluded from the more casual stuff because girls make a judgment call about me rather than getting to know me.

Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places (online dating is tough, but I’m kind of busy and it’s the easiest way to filter through potential partners). I know I sound very bitter, but it seems like that finding a relationship the conventional way these days is virtually impossible and that you need to play hookup culture and all of these stupid games to get anywhere with anyone rather than just being honest. What can I change? Thanks.

Ground Down Grad Student

DEAR GROUND DOWN GRAD STUDENT: You have two problems going at the same time, GDGS.

The first is that you are way too in your own head here. Your idea of how dating works is based on… well, I’m not entirely sure what it’s based on because it doesn’t really resemble anything I’m familiar with. What you’ve described sounds more like somebody’s idea of how “bad boys” operate as reported by someone who’s only heard of the idea before and hasn’t seen it play out.

I’m not quite sure where you got the idea that asking someone out for coffee (or that asking someone out for alcoholic drinks is inherently skeezy) is asking them to commit to anything other than a couple bucks for the price of a latte but… well, that’s not how this works. That’s literally not how ANY of this works.

Unless you are talking to someone who lives their life like an Overly Attached Girlfriend meme, literally nobody sees meeting someone for coffee as being asked to commit to a relationship. Asking someone out for coffee is, quite possibly, the lowest investment date possible. In fact, I advocate that people invite people they’ve met off OKCupid or Tinder to coffee as a pre-date date – literally, to see if they want to go on a date in the first place.

All playing head games does is make things even more confused and annoying for everyone. Whether you present yourself as a potential boyfriend or “not relationship material”, most people are going to take you at your word. Nobody really has the time or the emotional investment to try to tease things out from a first date. So what you end up doing is sending the absolute wrong message for the person you’re trying to attract. Being open and honest about what you want and what you have to offer is like a super power. It filters out the people who don’t want the same things you do and the ones who you simply aren’t compatible with.

So your second problem is whether you’re too “nice” for people who want casual sex. Generally when women tell you that you’re “too nice”, what they mean is that you’re passive and unassuming. Part of the reason why the men who are looking for casual partners (that is, the ones who aren’t complete games-playing s

theads) get casual sex is that they’re proactive about it. They actively look for people who are also looking for casual sex. They show that they are sexual beings by flirting, by building sexual tensionand looking for an opportunity to make their move.

(And before you ask: no, asking for a kiss doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly in the “don’t sleep with” pile.)

And it ain’t like nerds aren’t getting laid, my dude. Nerds get freaky too; in fact, there’s a pretty high crossover between science fiction fandom and BDSM participation.

It sounds to me like you’ve leaned a bit into the “I’m The One Women Don’t Like” identity you’ve got going over, which is going to handicap you more than anything else in your life. If you want to have those casual hook-ups, then I strongly suggest you do is start looking at what it is about the guys who do get casual sex are doing that you aren’t.

And, for real: you need to let go of these ideas that asking someone out on a proper date is automatically asking them for a relationship. It’s a date. You’re seeing if you guys dig one another and if you enjoy spending time together. Everything else comes from that. Stop trying to play head games or thinking you have to trick people to get what you want. I don’t know where the hell you picked that up, but it’s BS and you need to let it go. Be up front about what you want and look for the people who want the same things from you. You’ll be much happier and actually find people who you want to date and who want to date you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been following your page for a while now and it’s been incredibly helpful.

I’m 28 years old, and have taken about 10 years to go from “the one who was not good with girls”, to being comfortable in my own skin.

I’m still a nerd at heart, but I’ve worked on myself a lot, and have taken many of the advice pieces you write to heart.

My question to you is something I’ve been struggling with for a while now. For some reason, I’ll find a girl who I think is “the one”, and who I genuinely think could be the one for me, but it always seems to fall through.

I went to a party the other week, and met a girl who in my opinion was one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. She was an actress, and was currently working on a play to be released this year. We spoke for a long time, and seemed to click. We kissed at the end of the night and exchanged numbers. I overheard one of her friends saying that she may be seeing a guy who is a bigger name actor.

Eventually, upon further communications it became apparent after a single date that the big name actor was the guy she was interested in, and not me.

Some time after that I went on date with a girl who was a cheerleader, and posed heavily on Instagram for photos. We didn’t click as much, but we still got along. We even slept together, so there must have been chemistry there. Eventually she mentioned that she was interested in a guy who (upon casually stalking), turned out to be really good looking. To be frank, I don’t blame her for being interested in him, but it kinda sucked when I felt we had chemistry.

Another time I went on a date with a girl who ended up at my house, but ended up dating a biker a few weeks later. Or there’s the girl who chose a guy who worked for Facebook.

The point is these incidences are not isolated. It seems that since being single I’ve been on countless dates with people I find attractive, but they’ve ended up being interested in other guys, who frankly seem to have something just that little bit “extra”.

It feels like dating is like the film Gattaca. In the film, society has been reduced to valuing people based on their genetics. Ethan Hawke’s character works incredibly hard to maintain his position as a space cadet, masking his genes with Jude Law’s characters’, who attempts suicide when he wins a silver medal in the Olympics, sentencing him to a life in a wheelchair. Though an extreme example, dating seems to feel like you’re always up against a “bigger fish”, and people value others on genetics. It seems that there will always be the one who will be just that little bit better than me. Sometimes they’re actors. Sometimes they’re artists. Sometimes they’re musicians. Sometimes they’re bikers. The point is, I always seem to meet my match and lose.

I know for a fact that I must be close to “the one”, or at least the girl that I tell myself I want. It just seems like I’m so far away from finding that one girl. I must be attractive enough and good enough with girls to get these dates. But how do I solve this?

What’s the next step doc?

Do I accept my fate as second best for now? Do I dig down further to become this actor/musician/biker/artist? Any ideas?

Second Place, First Loser

DEAR SECOND PLACE, FIRST LOSER: Alright, I’m not quite sure where to start here.

Oh wait, yes I do: there is no “One”. I mean, dude, in your letter you talk having found “the one” four times. So clearly there isn’t a One or you keep dating clones. Looking for The One is an invitation to overinvestment and heartbreak, especially when you’ve only been on a date or two. These women aren’t The One, they are women you’re interested in and who are very nice… but if things don’t work out, there are other women out there who are just as amazing if not more so.

As evidence: I’ll point back to the fact that you just listed four of them.

Next is the fact that you’re not doing badly dude. You got one woman’s number and a kiss, and slept with two others. You may not have gotten a relationship out of any of it, but that’s a pretty respectable result. You really need to stop talking yourself down because things didn’t end with cartoon hearts and cherubs flying all over the place.

But most importantly is you’re doing what my lawyer friends call “facts not in evidence”. You’re making up a lot of reasons for why these women are dating people who aren’t you when you have no idea what’s going on in their heads. I mean, did the cheerleader tell you that she picked that guy over you because he’s better looking? Did the woman who date the biker tell you that she picked him over you because he had a Harley and you didn’t? Did the other woman tell you that she only dated men who had Facebook stock in their portfolios?

No?

Then stop listing those as reasons why they weren’t into you.

Straight talk: women don’t keep spreadsheets of dudes and tally up their pros and cons. There’s no woman out there who’s listing all the attributes of her potential suitors and picking the one who rates highest on the graph. All you know is that, for whatever reason, these women didn’t want what you had to offer as a romantic partner – though clearly at least two of them were down to clown, so clearly you’re not exactly chopped liver.

There will always be dudes who have things that you don’t. There will be guys who are handsomer, richer, more adventurous, whatever. But the fact that they’re more X than you doesn’t mean that you aren’t in the running or that women don’t value what you have. They may have those advantages, but there are women who wouldn’t bang them them with a borrowed vagina with Ryan Gosling doing the pushing. Women don’t date attributes, they date the holistic person. And like I said: you aren’t doing so bad, my dude. You’re describing a quality problem to have.

You’re not second best, because you’re not in competition. It’s not ranked, it’s just pass/fail. They want what you have or they don’t. End of.

Now, if you want to find and develop things that may attract women to you, then by all means do so. But do it because it speaks to your soul, not because you think it’ll get you laid. If you have a love and passion for music, then go and learn how to play an instrument. But if you’re picking up guitar because you think it’s going to get you laid… well, you’re going to end up looking less like Kvothe from The Kingkiller Chronicles and more like the dude playing guitar in the staircase because he thinks women’ll think he’s deep and sexy and not realizing how kinda sad it all is.

But like I said: you’re doing well. Dating is a numbers game, and there’re going to be false starts, people who you like but don’t like you the same way and vice versa. You’re going to have first dates to nowhere and second dates that seem great to one party but the other decided they weren’t feeling it. But then, you do find the ones that work… and those are the ones that make you glad you held on there.

If you’ve been reading my column, then you know: I never said it would be easy.

I said it would be worth it.

Hang in there dude. You’re doing far better than you realize.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)