DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First off, I’m a big fan – I’ve been following your website and YouTube channel for over a year now, and I’ve also read your book New Game+. I work as a psychologist, and I would say that a lot of your advice is very sound and follows the same principles I’ll use when working with clients. My question is around desiring women who you might not be compatible with.

Long story short, I think I’m a fairly desirable person; I’m fairly good looking (24 years old), I’m completing a PhD, I’ve competed in outdoor sports for over 10 years, I play an instrument, I’ve travelled and lived in several countries (on the flipside, nowadays I spend most of my days working late amongst grey-haired academics!). I KNOW how to talk to people and make a connection, and I know the importance of practising positivity in your daily outlook on life. Two years ago I broke up with my girlfriend (who was almost 10 years older than me, held a PhD) – I thought I wanted to marry her, but for several reasons I decided I wasn’t happy being with her. Since then, I found out she’s moved on, and I’ve accordingly developed a bad case of Oneitis, wishing I’d never broken up with her!

When the relationship ended I was determined to ‘play the field’ (I had a conservative upbringing and didn’t indulge in hedonic desires… until I came to my senses in my 20’s!). I’ve always had fantasies of being with a stream of fit, attractive, young women who I’m surrounded by at university everyday. However, my success in this venture has been zero – in fact, I’ve had sex once in 2 years, with someone who I was not even that attracted to as a person.

I’m stuck. I feel as though every time I make an attempt at speaking or flirting with these young, attractive women in their 20’s, they’re either A) uninterested, or B) think I’m weird as hell (I suppose I am a little bit ‘quirky’; I’m like the living incarnation of Dr Frasier Crane or Ross Geller). The flipside of this is that I often find THEM utterly boring or juvenile (but hot nonetheless!). Recently, I met a woman who is in her late 30’s who is actually very interesting and I get on with well… (an academic, moderately attractive), but I feel as though if I started dating her, I will be ‘disappointing myself’ by ‘giving up’ and not managing to sleep with the young women I ‘should be sleeping with’.

Here comes a longer stream of irrational beliefs: I feel like I haven’t had the dating life I’ve wanted my entire life. I don’t feel like any of my girlfriends or one-night stands were super attractive – I frequently lust after the gorgeous girls I see around me, but even the ‘thought’ of having sex with them seems impossible. I have never been able to ‘sow my wild oats’; I hear stories of ‘everyone’ around me who has slept with 10+ women, or people who are just ‘sleeping around’ as if it’s no big deal – and this causes me a great deal of anxiety and uncertainty in myself.

I have become obsessed with this feeling of ‘inadequacy’; like I’m somehow not good enough, or I’m missing out on all the sex that all the other good-looking people are having. I’d like to be able to look back upon my younger days and say “I slept with 10 girls, and I had the ability within me to have casual sex with beautiful women”.

I suppose I feel a bit like a failure at sex and dating, but I’m also conscious that I may be going for the ‘wrong types’ of girls? Perhaps Dr Frasier Crane shouldn’t be going for fit young 20 year olds, but should be going for the well-travelled 30 year old academics? Maybe this is a case of identity crises – a person who is caught between wanting to be a ‘young athletic man’ and a ‘grey haired academic’?

Any advice (or assistance with irrational thinking!) is greatly appreciated!

Yours, 

Be The Ball

DEAR BE THE BALL: There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s start with the fact that you’re young, dude. Most of what you’re hearing about “everyone” around you banging out like rabbits on a meth binge is exaggeration and confirmation bias. Yeah, folks sleep around… but it’s hardly a case that you’re the last American virgin being left behind as everyone has marathon orgies. The lifetime average number of sexual partners for most people is around 7 or so. The fact that you’ve had three partners thus far – that you’ve mentioned, in any case – puts you pretty firmly on course to be in the center of that particular bell curve. More importantly though is that focusing on numbers is a great way to make yourself miserable in short order.

But I’ll come back to that in a second.

Instead, let’s talk a little about how you identify, because you’ve picked two very different archetypes. Frasier Crane isn’t what most people would call “quirky”.  “Prissy”, maybe. “Snobbish” for sure. “A bit up his own ass,” wouldn’t be off either. Frasier is a virtual living stereotype of the Harvard-educated elitist with the benefit of money to back up his tastes. Ross on the other hand… look, let’s just go with “Ross is the worst” and leave it there.

I think what you mean is that you’re something of what other people might call “an old soul”. It sounds like you have more life experience than the average bear in their early 20s – which is actually a plus in the attraction department. However, it also means that you’re going to be in a different stage of life than a lot of people your age. The average age of PhD candidates is 33; most people in their early to mid 20s have just gotten their undergraduate degree and are trying to decide what to do next.

Your early and mid 20s tend to be the years of discovery; you’re dealing with adult responsibilities (for the first time, for many) yet often still have the drive and interests of the young.

That stage of life issue is going to be pretty crucial. One of the reasons I’m a believer in the old rule of thumb that the youngest one can date is “half your age plus 7” is because this keeps you relatively within the rage of someone who’s had similar life experiences. As someone who just crested over 40, I personally find the idea of trying to seriously date someone under the age of 27 to be mind-bogging at best; ignoring the lack of shared cultural touchstones, we’d be in such different places in life it might be hard to make plans in the first place.

Now the reason I bring this up is because similarities are an important part of attraction. The more you have in common with someone, the more you’re going to be attracted to them. This includes things like shared interests, educational levels and social outlook. This is something that a lot of folks overlook: no matter how hot somebody is, if you can’t have a decent conversation with them, it’s really hard to have satisfying sex with ’em.

Believe me. I’ve tried.

A lot.

So therein is going to be part of your dilemma; if you can’t really relate to the young hardbodies you see wandering around, you’re going to have a hard time trying to bed them.

But this isn’t the issue so much as your attitude about it. You, like a lot of guys, have bought into the idea that you’re “supposed” to be having certain kinds of sex – that wild, no-strings sex that everyone else SEEMS to be having at the drop of a hat. And while that’s not a bad thing if that’s what you want, it sounds to me less like you actually want this and more that you feel like you should be capable of it. It seems to me less that this is an actual need so much as a desire to be someone who could have that kind of sex – a bragging point to shore up your masculine bona fides rather than just being someone who likes to screw.

And that… isn’t so healthy. Trying to screw around to prove a point – whether it’s your virility, your desirability or just old-fashioned validation is a great way to not just frustrate yourself but to frustrate yourself and tie your self-worth to things outside of your control. When you fail to get laid, your self-esteem drops into the crapper and when you do succeed… well the sex is rarely actually worth it. In fact a lot of it kind of sucks. You end up sleeping with people who may be traditionally attractive but don’t actually do anything for you. That’s a recipe for the walk of shame afterwards, asking yourself “why did I even bother?” To add insult to injury is that it doesn’t even make you feel better. You won’t feel more satisfied or more manly. In fact, the fact that it hasn’t made you more confident will just make you even more upset and anxious.

To make matters worse, you let this belief that you’re “supposed” to be having this kind of sex get in the way of relationships you do want. To quote the sage: there’s a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don’t all bring you lasagna at work. Someone you click with, who love for their mind and want for their ass is almost always far better for you than “hot but enh”. Those are the ones that you kick yourself over later. It’s only in hindsight that you realize what you gave up… especially when you realize just how rare it is.

Now this doesn’t mean that relationships are the answer either. I have been on both sides of the equation, my dude. I’ve given up potentially great relationships because I wanted to screw around and they weren’t down with that. I’ve also been in relationships for longer than I should have been and missed out on opportunities because of that. But what I can tell you is that, all things being equal, the quality of the connection will always make you happier than quantity of bodies. The better the connection you have with someone, the better the sex tends to be because you’re able to actually connect and communicate. You’re able to really share with each other and find the things that turn you both on.

And besides: the second time around, they let you do the weird stuff.

But for real, BtB: I think your problem is that you think you’re supposed to be one way, when you really aren’t. Again: been there, done that, started the blog. I thought I wanted to be the club guy. Fast forward far too many late nights and way too much wasted money and that’s a big-assed nope. I was trying to swim against the current of my life’s particular river and believe me: that was a lot of time and energy I could’ve been spending elsewhere. I don’t regret it – it’s what brought me to where I am right now, after all – but man it’d have been nice to have learned those lessons a little faster.

Trust the voice of wisdom when I tell you that you’re better off pursuing the women you’re actually attracted to instead of the ones that society tells you that you should want. If you click with slightly older, more accomplished women… well, that’s going to be way less effort than trying to maintain your erection and pretend you give a damn what that 20-something coed has to say.

Now, if you are someone who needs sexual novelty or who has a high sex drive and wants to bang out, then hey, I approve. Rock out with your c

k out dude. But even then, you’d be better off pursuing women you share commonalities with – even if they’re (gasp) in their 30s, instead of nubile 20-somethings. At least then they’d be people you’re genuinely interested in and can have some sex you might actually enjoy. Plus: you’d be surprised at how many women in their 30s and 40s would be down for some no-strings sex with a hot 20-something dude.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: First, a little backstory, but I promise I’ll get to the point eventually. I’ve read a lot of your articles these last months. This, combined with reading Brene Brown’s ‘Daring Greatly,’ has been a big help in pushing myself to get out there and make connections – I’m 22, almost 23, and was starting to despair (genuinely lose all hope) of ever meeting someone who I liked that would (miraculously) like me in return. But these two resources gave me the push to try and actively put myself out there – still barely worked, I never would have managed to message her if she hadn’t sent me a like, and it still took me nearly 3 days to screw up my courage – but it changed my life. The last seven months have been some of the happiest in my life. She’s just as nerdy and socially awkward as I am, we share about 90% of the same interests, and it’s great; it is even worth going long distance. She’s a couple years younger than me, and we’re both virgins, and it isn’t technical, either. Hell, she was even my first kiss.

Now, even though I know it’s irrational, I’m having huge anxiety again. Why? She’s hinting that she wants to become physically intimate, which I definitely don’t have anything against. Problem is, I still have almost non-existent self-esteem, much less self-efficacy, where romantic and social issues are concerned. Despite everything I know (and probably also because of it) I’m terrified of being… disappointing.

It’s irrational, I like her and she likes me and so on, but I know in my gut I’ll never forgive myself if I let her down. And in spite of everything I’ve learned (I research basically everything) about different precautions, I’m also terrified at the remotest thought that I might cause her the slightest pain. I want to, but all this conflict in my head is tearing me apart!

If you have any advice for me, please! I need all the help I can get, because I’m exceeding my capacity to work through my issues on my own (again). Anything you say can only help – I reckon I’ve already done about as much damage to my psyche as possible, lol! 

Please help. She’s coming to visit this weekend, and I can only stall so much! 

Thanks,

Stuck In First

DEAR STUCK IN FIRST: I’m going to do you the favor that you need and tell you exactly what to do: DON’T have sex with her.

For real. Take sex off the table. Just accept that it isn’t going to happen this time. Because right now, you’re freaking yourself out over something that’s entirely theoretical and that’s going to make it impossible to actually enjoy her visit. So sex? Not happening. Can’t disappoint her sexually if you don’t actually have sex, yo.

So instead, you’re just going to relax around her. Savor the feeling of being with her. Pay attention to the little things: the warmth radiating from her skin, the scent of her shampoo in her hair, the way she fits up against your side. Be in the moment with no agenda other than just the two of you being present. Don’t worry about performance, being an amazing lover or the risk of disappointing her. Just take each moment and be incredibly present. Let each touch, kiss or caress be it’s own goal and just appreciate how it makes you both feel.

And you know? You’ll probably both be a bit curious. So talk. What does she like, anyway? What turns her on? Cool, here’s what you like and what gets your motor running. And maybe there’s this thing you’ve been interested in but have never done, what about her? Oh, that’s something she wants to try? OK so like this? How does this feel? How does it feel when she does that to you? Ok, lines might start to blur and that resolution that you’re not going to have sex may start to feel a little strained. That’s ok. You’re doing the right thing. Keep that dialogue going – asking, sharing, checking in and just being present. But without expectation – after all, you’ve already let go of the idea that you need to perform for her. So now you’re free for the two of you to talk and share and experiment and see what works for both of you.

Trust me: things will take care of themselves.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a mid-20s male and to be honest, I’m completely lost when it comes to dating these days and I always feel like I’m one step behind everyone else (it probably doesn’t help that I lost my virginity late to my friend, who basically took pity on me). I was brought up in a world where if you like someone, you ask them out, and they go out on a date with you. You keep going on dates and if you like the person, you mutually agree to get into a relationship. If not, you go your own separate ways.

Now it seems like asking someone out on a date (as in a ‘date date’ like a coffee date as opposed to drinks in a bar, which seems decidedly skeezy) is a bad idea, because it feels like you’re asking them to commit to the idea of a relationship early on. So you have to play all these head games about how you’re not looking for a relationship so you can disqualify yourself as relationship material and not scare the other person off. To make matters worse, I’ve asked my female friends for advice and they’ve told me that I’m too much of a ‘good guy’, as in the sort of guy who girls settle down with (I’m an economics grad student and a stereotypically nerdy guy) and not the sort of guy that girls would want for a one night stand or something more casual. Which is fine, but I want some of the more casual stuff (sex being part of the pyramid of needs) and it seems it’s easier to go from hooking up to a relationship rather than meeting to a relationship. So it basically feels like prima facie I’m excluded from the more casual stuff because girls make a judgment call about me rather than getting to know me.

Maybe I’m looking in the wrong places (online dating is tough, but I’m kind of busy and it’s the easiest way to filter through potential partners). I know I sound very bitter, but it seems like that finding a relationship the conventional way these days is virtually impossible and that you need to play hookup culture and all of these stupid games to get anywhere with anyone rather than just being honest. What can I change? Thanks.

Ground Down Grad Student

DEAR GROUND DOWN GRAD STUDENT: You have two problems going at the same time, GDGS.

The first is that you are way too in your own head here. Your idea of how dating works is based on… well, I’m not entirely sure what it’s based on because it doesn’t really resemble anything I’m familiar with. What you’ve described sounds more like somebody’s idea of how “bad boys” operate as reported by someone who’s only heard of the idea before and hasn’t seen it play out.

I’m not quite sure where you got the idea that asking someone out for coffee (or that asking someone out for alcoholic drinks is inherently skeezy) is asking them to commit to anything other than a couple bucks for the price of a latte but… well, that’s not how this works. That’s literally not how ANY of this works.

Unless you are talking to someone who lives their life like an Overly Attached Girlfriend meme, literally nobody sees meeting someone for coffee as being asked to commit to a relationship. Asking someone out for coffee is, quite possibly, the lowest investment date possible. In fact, I advocate that people invite people they’ve met off OKCupid or Tinder to coffee as a pre-date date – literally, to see if they want to go on a date in the first place.

All playing head games does is make things even more confused and annoying for everyone. Whether you present yourself as a potential boyfriend or “not relationship material”, most people are going to take you at your word. Nobody really has the time or the emotional investment to try to tease things out from a first date. So what you end up doing is sending the absolute wrong message for the person you’re trying to attract. Being open and honest about what you want and what you have to offer is like a super power. It filters out the people who don’t want the same things you do and the ones who you simply aren’t compatible with.

So your second problem is whether you’re too “nice” for people who want casual sex. Generally when women tell you that you’re “too nice”, what they mean is that you’re passive and unassuming. Part of the reason why the men who are looking for casual partners (that is, the ones who aren’t complete games-playing s

theads) get casual sex is that they’re proactive about it. They actively look for people who are also looking for casual sex. They show that they are sexual beings by flirting, by building sexual tensionand looking for an opportunity to make their move.

(And before you ask: no, asking for a kiss doesn’t mean that you’re suddenly in the “don’t sleep with” pile.)

And it ain’t like nerds aren’t getting laid, my dude. Nerds get freaky too; in fact, there’s a pretty high crossover between science fiction fandom and BDSM participation.

It sounds to me like you’ve leaned a bit into the “I’m The One Women Don’t Like” identity you’ve got going over, which is going to handicap you more than anything else in your life. If you want to have those casual hook-ups, then I strongly suggest you do is start looking at what it is about the guys who do get casual sex are doing that you aren’t.

And, for real: you need to let go of these ideas that asking someone out on a proper date is automatically asking them for a relationship. It’s a date. You’re seeing if you guys dig one another and if you enjoy spending time together. Everything else comes from that. Stop trying to play head games or thinking you have to trick people to get what you want. I don’t know where the hell you picked that up, but it’s BS and you need to let it go. Be up front about what you want and look for the people who want the same things from you. You’ll be much happier and actually find people who you want to date and who want to date you.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been following your page for a while now and it’s been incredibly helpful.

I’m 28 years old, and have taken about 10 years to go from “the one who was not good with girls”, to being comfortable in my own skin.

I’m still a nerd at heart, but I’ve worked on myself a lot, and have taken many of the advice pieces you write to heart.

My question to you is something I’ve been struggling with for a while now. For some reason, I’ll find a girl who I think is “the one”, and who I genuinely think could be the one for me, but it always seems to fall through.

I went to a party the other week, and met a girl who in my opinion was one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met. She was an actress, and was currently working on a play to be released this year. We spoke for a long time, and seemed to click. We kissed at the end of the night and exchanged numbers. I overheard one of her friends saying that she may be seeing a guy who is a bigger name actor.

Eventually, upon further communications it became apparent after a single date that the big name actor was the guy she was interested in, and not me.

Some time after that I went on date with a girl who was a cheerleader, and posed heavily on Instagram for photos. We didn’t click as much, but we still got along. We even slept together, so there must have been chemistry there. Eventually she mentioned that she was interested in a guy who (upon casually stalking), turned out to be really good looking. To be frank, I don’t blame her for being interested in him, but it kinda sucked when I felt we had chemistry.

Another time I went on a date with a girl who ended up at my house, but ended up dating a biker a few weeks later. Or there’s the girl who chose a guy who worked for Facebook.

The point is these incidences are not isolated. It seems that since being single I’ve been on countless dates with people I find attractive, but they’ve ended up being interested in other guys, who frankly seem to have something just that little bit “extra”.

It feels like dating is like the film Gattaca. In the film, society has been reduced to valuing people based on their genetics. Ethan Hawke’s character works incredibly hard to maintain his position as a space cadet, masking his genes with Jude Law’s characters’, who attempts suicide when he wins a silver medal in the Olympics, sentencing him to a life in a wheelchair. Though an extreme example, dating seems to feel like you’re always up against a “bigger fish”, and people value others on genetics. It seems that there will always be the one who will be just that little bit better than me. Sometimes they’re actors. Sometimes they’re artists. Sometimes they’re musicians. Sometimes they’re bikers. The point is, I always seem to meet my match and lose.

I know for a fact that I must be close to “the one”, or at least the girl that I tell myself I want. It just seems like I’m so far away from finding that one girl. I must be attractive enough and good enough with girls to get these dates. But how do I solve this?

What’s the next step doc?

Do I accept my fate as second best for now? Do I dig down further to become this actor/musician/biker/artist? Any ideas?

Second Place, First Loser

DEAR SECOND PLACE, FIRST LOSER: Alright, I’m not quite sure where to start here.

Oh wait, yes I do: there is no “One”. I mean, dude, in your letter you talk having found “the one” four times. So clearly there isn’t a One or you keep dating clones. Looking for The One is an invitation to overinvestment and heartbreak, especially when you’ve only been on a date or two. These women aren’t The One, they are women you’re interested in and who are very nice… but if things don’t work out, there are other women out there who are just as amazing if not more so.

As evidence: I’ll point back to the fact that you just listed four of them.

Next is the fact that you’re not doing badly dude. You got one woman’s number and a kiss, and slept with two others. You may not have gotten a relationship out of any of it, but that’s a pretty respectable result. You really need to stop talking yourself down because things didn’t end with cartoon hearts and cherubs flying all over the place.

But most importantly is you’re doing what my lawyer friends call “facts not in evidence”. You’re making up a lot of reasons for why these women are dating people who aren’t you when you have no idea what’s going on in their heads. I mean, did the cheerleader tell you that she picked that guy over you because he’s better looking? Did the woman who date the biker tell you that she picked him over you because he had a Harley and you didn’t? Did the other woman tell you that she only dated men who had Facebook stock in their portfolios?

No?

Then stop listing those as reasons why they weren’t into you.

Straight talk: women don’t keep spreadsheets of dudes and tally up their pros and cons. There’s no woman out there who’s listing all the attributes of her potential suitors and picking the one who rates highest on the graph. All you know is that, for whatever reason, these women didn’t want what you had to offer as a romantic partner – though clearly at least two of them were down to clown, so clearly you’re not exactly chopped liver.

There will always be dudes who have things that you don’t. There will be guys who are handsomer, richer, more adventurous, whatever. But the fact that they’re more X than you doesn’t mean that you aren’t in the running or that women don’t value what you have. They may have those advantages, but there are women who wouldn’t bang them them with a borrowed vagina with Ryan Gosling doing the pushing. Women don’t date attributes, they date the holistic person. And like I said: you aren’t doing so bad, my dude. You’re describing a quality problem to have.

You’re not second best, because you’re not in competition. It’s not ranked, it’s just pass/fail. They want what you have or they don’t. End of.

Now, if you want to find and develop things that may attract women to you, then by all means do so. But do it because it speaks to your soul, not because you think it’ll get you laid. If you have a love and passion for music, then go and learn how to play an instrument. But if you’re picking up guitar because you think it’s going to get you laid… well, you’re going to end up looking less like Kvothe from The Kingkiller Chronicles and more like the dude playing guitar in the staircase because he thinks women’ll think he’s deep and sexy and not realizing how kinda sad it all is.

But like I said: you’re doing well. Dating is a numbers game, and there’re going to be false starts, people who you like but don’t like you the same way and vice versa. You’re going to have first dates to nowhere and second dates that seem great to one party but the other decided they weren’t feeling it. But then, you do find the ones that work… and those are the ones that make you glad you held on there.

If you’ve been reading my column, then you know: I never said it would be easy.

I said it would be worth it.

Hang in there dude. You’re doing far better than you realize.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I keep encountering this same issue with girls that I take on dates or girls who have expressed a certain degree of interest in me. The issue is they run off with other men in front of me.

Examples:

I took a girl swing dancing a few weeks ago as a first date. We had a really fun first hour or two dancing, then this guy (who was a much more experienced dancer than me, swing has a steep learning curve) danced with her 4ish times in the span of 20 minutes, walking up to us when we were talking and whisking her away into a world of dips and spins. When I came back from a cigarette he was taking her into the side room (which is where I take girls when I want a more intimate environment). I told her that I wasn’t ok with what was going on and she insisted that it was alright because we weren’t in a relationship. She stopped dancing with him and spent the rest of the night with me, but she was cold and standoffish and the date ended not long after.

Last night I went out dancing at an EDM show and spent most of the night grinding up on a friend of a friend who was in town for the night. She pulled me away from dancing with other girls to dance with her and started being more physical with me after I told her she was attractive. I went for a kiss and she didn’t pull away but didn’t kiss back. There was a linebacker looking guy who occasionally stood on the periphery. After the show they started talking and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I took her to leave and at the exit linebacker found us. He made a joke about if he was allowed to shake her hand then the two of them started making out. I had no idea what to do and what I tried failed so I just went home.

Another girl a few months ago I met a campout expressed interest in a relationship and told me she lived in my home town. There was a time when I told her to pick between me and another dude and she picked me. Two days later into the campout she told me she’d want to spend the evening with me, within 10 minutes she had run off with another dude and told me she was actually traveling out east with him and didn’t live in my town. When the other guy came up he had a way of putting his arm around her and drawing her into a circle of people that made it difficult for me to talk to her.

I realize these girls aren’t right for me. I do have some insecurity about girls who are attracted to me choosing another man, that’s how my only relationship ended. I used to not be jealous, thinking if I let girls do what they wanted they would come back to me eventually. Now I am jealous and I believe too domineering when threatened, this solution doesn’t seem to be effective. I know the trick is just to be confident what what specifically can I do in these types of situations? I do have a lot of faith in myself and am not upset up about any of these rejections, I’d just like to stop them in the future.

– Bravest Warrior

DEAR BRAVEST WARRIOR:You have a problem BW, but it’s not the problem you think you have.

You think you have a problem with women ditching you. What you have is a problem with insecurity and reading certain social situations correctly.

Let’s start with the most obvious example: the etiquette of dancing, since they seem to be tripping you up fairly often.

Social dancing (swing, salsa, merengue, ballroom, etc) and club dancing both have their own rules and if you’re not familiar with them, it can result in some confusion. The dance floor at the club especially can trip people up who aren’t used to club culture.

In your first instance, you took your date swing-dancing. That’s cool – swing dancing can make for an awesome first date! But here’s the thing about swing dancing: it’s generally understood that when you’re at a swing event, you’re going to dance with many people. In many swing dancing communities, the general rule is one dance at a time; in some groups, it’s two consecutive songs. In general, you’re not to dance with the same person the whole night through. You’re expected to go up to strangers, dance with them, talk while you’re dancing and generally have a good time. You’re going to be interacting with people with a wide range of skill and experience, which means that occasionally you and your date are both going to be dancing with people who are way better than you. Trust me: this is a feature, not a bug. This is part of the fun of going swing dancing.

Now on the other hand, we have clubs, DJs and EDM. At clubs and DJ shows the generally accepted rules is that the dance floor is an entirely different world from the rest of the club. People will grind with folks, get freaky and generally come across as though they’re two seconds away from just straight bangin’ right then and there… but that doesn’t mean that they actually want to screw you. This is especially true if it’s not someone you’ve already had a lot of chemistry and flirting with earlier. People will practically dry-hump you on the dance floor but not want to so much as hold your hand off of it. This is just part of the club atmosphere. If you want to hook up with someone at the club, you don’t treat their behavior on the dance floor as an indicator of interest; you look to see how they respond to you when you’re at a table or flirting in a corner or by the bar. When you went for the kiss and she didn’t kiss you back you were being given the message: she’s not into you. She didn’t dislike you, but someone who’s interested in going home with you isn’t going to just passively stand there while you try to plant one on her. She may have appreciated your being into her. She may have liked dancing with you. But at the end of the night… well, you just weren’t her type.

(I’m also willing to bet that she already knew the linebacker. But that’s another issue entirely.)

In your third example… oy. This part is so unclear that it’s almost impossible to tell just what the hell happened. Near as I can tell… you were flirting with someone, she was flirting back but she was kind of hanging out with another dude? And you told her “Yo babe, it’s him or me”, and she kinda said you but then told you that she was actually traveling with him so… yeah? So we’re going to disregard a lot of this.

Now let’s break down what else is going on here.

In your first example, this guy is dancing with your date then he was walking off with her into a side room. Now, you don’t mention whether anything did happen or that you were assuming something was going to but either way… this is bad behavior on her part. You (general you) don’t ditch your date to hang around other people, whether there’s going to be sloppy make-outs with said others in the near future or not.

HOWEVER.

The idea that she was about to slip off to tongue-wrestle with a guy while she’s on a date with someone else is so cartoonishly over the top that I’m wondering whether there’s some serious failure to communicate involved in this. I’m willing to bet that either you misunderstood what was going on between them or she didn’t see this as a date date.

Is it possible she was a big enough asshole to ditch her date to go share mouth-bees with a rando? Well, it’s not impossible – I… may have stolen a guy’s date before… – but it’s vanishingly unlikely. And if this IS the case… well, she’s an asshole and you’re well rid of her. However, if I’m right and there’s some miscommunication going on? Then you need to be much more clear about the fact that you’re taking her out on a romantic date, not a platonic friend hang-out in order to avoid possible confusion.

If there’s one ongoing thread in these situations it’s that you get threatened when women you’re interested in talk to other dudes and you’ve been unable to shut them down when they seem to be squeezing in on your territory. And I suspect this comes down to the fact that you once got dumped for another guy. That sucks. That sucks a lot and it can totally shred your ego. But I think you’ve let this go to your head; you sound like you get incredibly defensive when other people talk to women you believe are “yours” on some level. Let me tell you: this isn’t attractive in anyone. I don’t care if you’re Quasimodo or Ryan Gosling – if you’re going to start to bristle like Big Moose whenever some dude talks to Midge, you’re going to lose a lot of value and respect with everyone around you. You end up coming off like you’re having a temper tantrum, which is going to turn anyone off… doubly so if you’ve only just met them.

So. What do you do about all of this?

Well, in the short term: you calm the hell down. You learn to assess the situation more accurately – especially with an eye towards understanding the social contract. Don’t assume that a dance is more than just a dance – especially at a nightclub. Be much more clear about your intentions with people you want to date. Don’t get so overly invested in someone you just met that you let it destroy you if they don’t go home with you at the end of the night. Don’t throw a fit because someone you like doesn’t like you back. If she’s decided she wants to make out with someone else there really isn’t much else to do besides wash your hands of her and move on.

In the medium term: the way you avoid having women ditch you for other guys is that you learn how to connect with the women you meet. The worst thing you can do is to try to constantly chase off other guys – this inevitably comes across as though you believe the only way she’d choose you is because you’ve removed her all her other options. A woman who’s into you, who you have chemistry with, who’s digging what you’ve got to offer? She’s not going to leave because Studly GoodNight wandered up and told her to ditch the zero and get with the hero. Avoid the women who are like that because they aren’t the women you want in the first place.

In the long term: you need to work on these self-esteem issues, man. It sucks that your last relationship ended with your girlfriend leaving you for another guy, but there comes a point where you have to be willing to let go and move on. If it’s still hurting you – and it sounds like it is – then the best thing you can do is talk to a therapist or counselor. And in the meantime: start cultivating an abundance mentality. You seem to be treating every woman as your last chance to get into a relationship, and that’s only going to hurt you in the long run.

You can do better than this. You can BE better than this.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)