DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I don’t date much … at all … but read your page regularly as it’s helped give me some perspective on many of my dating frustrations. About a year ago when I met this very attractive and very interesting woman through work, but didn’t think too much of it. For the record, we don’t work at the same company, but our respective jobs require us to be in contact regularly.

Around Christmas time, I was trying to put together an unofficial Holiday get-together and invited her, along with some other people we do work with. She couldn’t make it, but did mention she’d like to get together for drinks sometime. Not “get together with all of you” … “get together with you”.

This sort of jogged my memory about all the other times she seemed to get a little flirty that I didn’t pay too much attention and came to the conclusion that she might be into me a little. Because I have always been kind of bad at judging interest I ran the scenario past a female friend, who agreed I wasn’t being crazy. So I asked this woman out and she said yes.

What happened next was a complete clusterf—k of scheduling. The only time I had available she was busy and vice versa. We finally settled on a lunch meeting which had to be canceled for weather reasons.

Last week she indicated she had some time available this week, I e-mailed her some times that worked for me. 9 days later she writes back to apologize for not writing sooner, but her boyfriend was in town, and now she’s heading out of town for a work thing.

I don’t even know where to begin, so I’ll say this … maybe the boyfriend is real, maybe he isn’t. Maybe she understood I was asking her out on a date, maybe she didn’t. Maybe she was into me when I was oblivious and not so much when I was interested. I accept all of this. I completely accept that she has a right to change her mind and act accordingly. I still have contact with her through work, and am eager to maintain a courteous relationship as the work she does with us is great and I don’t want to jeopardize that.

But here’s the thing. She still wants to “get together” for a lunch thing or something like that, and I have no interest whatsoever it that anymore. The scheduling rigmarole, the boyfriend that seemed to come out of nowhere, I’m done.

So the problem is I don’t know how to tell her “no” without looking or feeling like a pouty, spoiled brat. Right now my plan is to simply tell her “Sorry, way too busy” if and when she brings it up. But that kind of feels like the coward’s way out.

I am very open to better ideas on how to get out and stay out of this, should you have one.

Signed,

Enough’s Enough

DEAR ENOUGH’S ENOUGH: Honestly, EE, unless she’s proposing getting together for a specific event at a specific time and place, there’s no real reason to go out of your way to say “no”.

A generic “let’s get together sometime” isn’t an invitation that needs an immediate RSVP – it’s more of a polite space-filler. It is, for all intents and purposes an affirmation of “yes, I think you’re a decent enough person that I feel the need to make this general invitation that I don’t really expect to follow through on.”

The odds that this is going to come up again if you don’t specifically go out of your way to mention it is fairly low.

I will say that I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to the confusion of whether she was interested in you or hiding the existence of a boyfriend or what-not. I suspect there may have been some misunderstandings along the way – people do meet up with folks for drinks or lunch just to hang out and talk after all.

The fact that you both were trying to find times to make your schedules line up and not giving the standard flake line of “well, maybe some time soon” is an indication that she was genuinely trying to find time to meet up rather than mouthing polite fictions because society teaches women to not say “no” directly.

Considering how much effort you were putting into trying to make this Schrödinger’s Date happen, she may have brought up her boyfriend just as a way of saying “I’m not sure if you’re reading this as a date and I don’t want to call attention to it in case I’m misreading things, but just in case…”

By the time you hit the point of it taking more than a week for her to get back to you… well, it ain’t great, but I tend to believe in Hanlon’s Razor: never attribute to malice what might otherwise be equally explained by incompetence. In other words: maybe at that point she was giving you the brush-off or maybe it was literally an out-of-sight, out of mind event, where other things got her attention and she remembered later on that she owed you a response.

(I say this as someone who needs constant reminders to reply to emails and scheduling concerns; if I don’t set up about a dozen notifications, lots of crap gets lost in the shuffle and I end up forgetting about them until it’s too late.)

TL;DR version: I think there was enough back and forth that there was genuine interest in a platonic meet-up and the stars just never aligned to make it happen. As it is: I think you can just let things slide without needing to say anything. Worst case scenario – you’ve both established you don’t have the time; “sorry, I’m insanely busy” is a polite enough way of turning her down.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:Throughout my non-existent dating life I have noticed something: the women I’m attracted to are not attracted to me and vice versa.

Now my friends say that I should stop setting my standards so high and go out with one of the girls who like me and that I could learn to like them. I feel as though this is disingenuous to the girl and also that if I can learn to like someone then someone else can learn to like me. It also seems to me that most dating advice is about being to get anyone and not someone.

What I mean is that I feel as though the message is “if you find ways to improve your life and make yourself more attractive you will eventually find someone who is willing to date you but it may not be the person you want.”

I guess in the end my question is, if who or what you want is unattainable then why bother trying? Perhaps that is a very pessimistic view and I am a pessimist but I just don’t see the point in settling for something I don’t even really want.

Don’t Want To Settle

DEAR DON’T WANT TO SETTLE: The first rule of dating, DWS, is that you have the right to set your standards wherever you want to. If you decide that the only women you’re interested in are 6-foot tall opera singers who resemble Lupita Nyong’o but with Mass Effect tattoos, well, hey, you do you.

But you have to go into that understanding that just because you want something doesn’t mean that you’ll be able to get it. One of the things that drives me crazy in pop-culture is the way that we’re taught that expecting near-perfection means that the universe is obligated to provide you with someone who meets that level and that “settling” is some sort of moral failing.

Similarly, we tend to believe that only the very best, the créme-de-la-créme could make us happy… which frankly, is a very good way to make yourself miserable.

If you’ve set your standards to the point that only people in the top 1% of their class – whether that is in terms of physical beauty or accomplishments or money or talent or what-have you – then you’re explicitly acknowledging that you’re trying to play on the hardest difficulty setting.

It’s like deciding that if you’re going to do track and field, you’ll only be satisfied if you can do so at an Olympic level… that’s great if you want to do this, but you have to be willing to acknowledge that you’re trying to be the best of the best of the best – something that’s achievable by less than a percentage of those who attempt it. If that’s going to be your definition of success, then you have to be willing to acknowledge that you might not get there. I’m all in favor of “chasing your dreams”, but there comes a point where you have to recognize that you’re not going to get there.

To paraphrase Chuck Wendig: not everyone can be an Olympian, but that doesn’t make running a marathon any less of an achievement. You may not be dating the hottest woman alive, but that doesn’t mean that the woman you are dating is any less special or incredible.

Here’s the thing about standards: they’re great to have, but they mean that you need to be able to give equal value in exchange. This doesn’t mean looks or money or status, but it does mean that you have to have something that is equally important to what the people who meet your standards, otherwise you start getting into the realm of entitlement. If the only people you want to date are supermodels, to choose a random example, that’s your choice… but not only are supermodels rare on the ground, but they are going to have their own standards. You’re going to have to bring a lot to the table to make that happen.

(I’m not suggesting that you’re only interested in dating supermodels, DWS; it’s hyperbole to make a point.)

The other thing you have to realize is that nobody – no celebrity, no model, no international playboy – gets 100% of what they want in a relationship. You get 60, 70, 80% of what you want and decide that you’re willing to forgo the rest because, hey, what you do get is just that awesome and makes up for what isn’t there. I’m reminded of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 130 – a list of all the ways his mistress doesn’t measure up to fabled beauties but his love for her makes her far more precious to him than any goddess could ever be.

Do I think you should go out with someone just because they like you and see if you can learn to like them? Well that all depends: are there things about them that you do like? Are there indications that they may have qualities that would make you happy? Are you willing to give them a chance to show you what they have to offer – just as women are constantly pressured to give guys a chance to make their case?

Regardless: I do think you should examine your standards. I think everyone should. But you need to do so with the understanding that having standards doesn’t guarantee that you’ll find someone who meets them, or that you’ll meet the standards of the people who meet yours.

And then you have to decide which is more important: maintaining those incredibly high standards and being alone, or relaxing them and finding somebody who’s amazing but not “perfect”.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: After 13 years of marriage, I find myself divorced and single again at 40. After making sure I was okay with myself after a year I started opening up to the idea of dating again. I joined some dating sites and started going out again.

When I was out at the Apple store getting my iPhone fixed, I was sitting up at the counter next to this young, attractive redhead. She seemed a little young for me so I didn’t strike up a conversation, although I did make eye contact and smile. To my surprise she started a conversation with me. After about 10 minutes of enjoyable small talk she got her phone back and she left, but not before saying good bye to me. There was definitely interest there, but I kept myself from closing the deal because I thought the age gap might be too big; my guess is that she was 25 at most.

My brother in law was with me, and he confirmed that she was indeed flirting with me. I told him that I didn’t ask for her number or invite her to coffee because of our age difference. But is the age difference that important? I read everywhere that age is just a number, but is there a threshold? Ironically, later that night the subject of Patrick Stewart came up and my sister mentioned that he is married to someone 40 years his junior. My counter-argument of course was that he’s freaking Captain Picard and he can marry anyone he wants to.

So tell me doctor, should I just go after any opening I’m given, torpedoes be damned? This young lady was intelligent, well spoken and seemed mature. I’m sure I would have been attracted even if we were the same age. Is age really just a number?

– Arizona Four-Oh

DEAR ARIZONA FOUR-OH: As a wise man once said: it ain’t the years, it’s the mileage.

Age gaps tend to tricky in that it is both important AND unimportant and it carries some significant baggage. One of the unpleasant truths is that our society fetishizes the young, especially young women. We’re all taught that a woman’s sexual capital (ugh) is at it’s highest when she’s young and older women are seen as less desirable. When you look at online dating, you’ll notice a lot of older men who’re unwilling to consider a woman around the same age they are, opting instead to pursue someone considerably younger… and society tends to approve of this. While there is the fear of the stigma of being “the old dude in the club” or “dirty old man”, there are far more examples of May-December romances with an older male partner than a female one.

I bring this up because this is part of the dynamic that affects dating as an older man and it’s worth keeping that in mind.

Now, with all of that having been said…

If we assume everybody is ethical and on the up and up – both parties are on the same page, the older partner is careful about any potential difference in power in the relationship, etc. – then the biggest issue when there’s a significant age gap is simply the ability to relate. Someone who’s in their early to mid-20s tends to be in a very different place than someone who’s in their 40s; the younger person is frequently just starting out while the older is more established. There will be a number of differences in terms of cultural touchstones and lived experiences that can make it hard to relate. At the same time however, emotional maturity makes a difference as well – I’ve known a lot of incredibly mature and centered 20-somethings and 50 year olds who acted like they were still 19 year old frat boys. It all depends on the individuals involved and where they are in their lives.

In your specific situation, this woman initiated a conversation with you. If she was indeed flirting – and I’m willing to believe she was – then there’s nothing wrong with simply saying “hey, I had a great time talking to you and I’d love to continue this later,” and either asking her to coffee or to connect over Facebook or what-have-you.

(Ask if you can add her on Facebook instead of just tracking her down, by the way. The former is polite and considerate, the latter is creepy)

You seem like a down-to-earth, cool and considerate guy, AFO. I’d advise being careful not to ignore the amazing women who’re closer to your age, but if someone younger than you is expressing interest, then there’s really no harm in at least going on a date or two and seeing if you’re compatible. It’s all going to depend on the individual in question.

And just for the record: the key to telling whether she’s just friendly or flirting is to look for clusters of signs of interest – several signs of interest occurring in close proximity if not simultaneously.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I dated a guy for two and half years (I’m 24, he’s 23). It took me a long time to realize that he was a very emotionally immature person and as a result, selfish and unable to prioritize me. He was always pushing my physical boundaries and could never respect that I hate PDA. He never had any drive. I got a new job and moved away and the relationship went south from there (it had been on the rocks for awhile). However, there were many aspects that were positive: he knew some dark secrets of mine and didn’t judge, we were really comfortable around each other, I felt I could tell him anything, and some of our life goals aligned like kids and traveling.

Most of the things I was dissatisfied with or that were detrimental to the relationship I think stemmed from his emotional immaturity. He’d never follow through on what he’d say he would do (like going back to school). He never seemed able to stand up for himself or actually lay out what he was feeling honestly. The relationship began to feel very one-sided: I would make sacrifices but he’s never follow through. He’s never do something unpleasant in the short-term in order for a better long-term future. It was always words and no actions.

My question is this: am I wasting my time thinking that he can gain emotional maturity and that if he does, the relationship is worth trying again? Or should I accept that he never prioritized me and so he’s never going to?

(We’re not together now and he seems to have gotten that he needs to get his s

t together but I won’t buy it unless I see real progress, but I don’t want to keep him in my life however tiny an amount and keep waiting and hoping if it’s just not going to happen.)

I am so confused and conflicted because there were so many things that made is seem like the right guy and the right relationship. I’m terrified of trying again and it STILL not working out and putting myself through all that again. I’m really worried what my family would think if I were to try again only to have it fail again. How do I know if he’s going to suck forever, or if he has a chance to be better? How do I get over this conflict and move on if it’s not worth it? At first I felt used and thrown away by him but then we talked and he says he still wants me and never meant to throw me away. He wants to fix it. Since we talked now I just am so confused and conflicted. I don’t know what to do. Should I try again or find a way to move past this and hold out for someone better?

Thank you,

Second Verse, Same As The First

DEAR SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST: There’re a few questions you should answer to before you try getting back with your ex, SVSAF.  And the first question is why you want to get back together with your ex in the first place?

I’m not being snarky or asking a rhetorical question, SVSAF. It’s one thing if you’ve had a significant time apart – time to grow and change as a person and to gain some much-needed perspective on life and your relationship – and you’re ready to give him a second chance. It’s another entirely if what you’re really looking for is the comfort of the familiar. Part of what make our exes so alluring (at least, assuming you parted on semi-decent terms) is that they’re a known quantity. When you date someone for long enough, your life’s rhythms get intertwined with theirs. This is part of why break-ups suck: you’re trying to re-establish your personal equilibrium and it can be challenging.

It also doesn’t hurt that we all have emotional filters that affect our memories. It’s very easy to let the warm glow of nostalgia gloss over the rough patches of a relationship or make them seem smaller and less important than they were while you were actually together.

The next is to ask how much the circumstances of both of your lives have changed. How aware is he of his past behavior? Does he realize that he was treating you badly (and hoo boy, pushing your boundaries is really bad behavior)? Has he shown any evidence that he’s not as selfish and self-involved? It’s all well and good to say he didn’t mean to throw you away, but words are nothing but hot air and empty promises without actual deeds behind them. Promises to fix things mean sweet f

k-all if he hasn’t actually taken concrete steps already. If he’s not already working to improve his life without the intention of winning you back, then the odds are that no, he hasn’t grown and matured and going back would be just an invitation to Break Up 2 – Electric Boogaloo.

Are you willing to put up with his behavior again if he hasn’t changed?  One thing I see very often in messed up relationships is that somebody will promise to fix things and be on their best behavior for weeks or months… and then slowly start to slip back into their old patterns. Before you know it, you’re the metaphorical frog in the boiling pot. Do you have the wherewithal to call him on his BS – and make it stick – if he does?

But I’m gonna be honest here: I’m thinking the answer to all of this is “no”. It feels like you haven’t had enough distance and perspective on things and the wounds are still fresh and raw. This is one of the reasons why I always advocate the nuclear option of (at least temporarily) cutting contact when it comes to break-ups – it’s impossible to heal when you (or your ex) keeps picking at the wounds. I think this conflict you’re feeling is the lure of nostalgia versus what your gut is telling you: that this is a bad idea and nothing has actually changed.

I suggest listening to your gut.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am currently in the process of ending a 4-year relationship that has been a marriage for the past year. I am confident in my decision to end the marriage; we have been drifting apart, the sex is rare and uninteresting, we have fundamentally different interests and values, we have different attitudes towards our careers, and I feel she’s holding me back in terms of my attempts to eat healthier, exercise more and improve myself (I ask her to help me eat better, she buys two tubs of ice cream; etc.). 

Perhaps most importantly, where I used to care for her in the past I only feel cold emptiness and an urgent desire to get away. I don’t love her anymore, she’s been feeling unfulfilled and alone, and we should both be looking for people we work better with.

That said, in my country, there are legal issues with divorce – namely, I need to wait 12 months after our separation before the divorce can be finalized and I can be officially not-married again (there are no kids, cars, houses, etc – we are both still mostly-jobless students). That seems like a long time. Once she has moved out and I am a de facto bachelor again, I am worried about how to interact with women I may be interest in in the next 12 months. What is the proper etiquette? A one-night-stand doesn’t need to know, I assume, but what about dates I meet online? What about women I meet more than once? When should I tell someone I’m into that I’m still legally married and waiting for the divorce to be granted next year? 

Or should I just sit down and prepare myself for 12 months of celibacy? Is that the right thing to do? I’m really confused and unsure of what I should be doing with my life.

Thanks for your time, and any advice you can give me.

Sincerely,

Recently Separated

DEAR RECENTLY SEPARATED: From the sounds of things, it’s good that you’re getting out of this relationship. While I’m a believer in trying to fix a relationship rather than just cutting the thread, many times there’s just nothing there to fix and even less interest on both sides to make the attempt (or re-attempt). Far better to call it quits and break things off before whatever warm feelings you may still have for one another curdle into bitterness and hate, especially when there is relatively little to make the process more complicated. So here’s to hoping that this can be as painless and amicable a process as it can be under the circumstances.

Now, when it comes to handling dating during a separation, there are a couple issues that you will want to consider.

First and most importantly is whether or not dating someone while legally separated may cause issues with your divorce. In the U.S., individual states tend to have laws that can turn dating during divorce proceedings into a minefield, especially if you’re in one of the states that doesn’t offer a no-fault divorce. If one of you is filing for alienation of affection, for example, your love life may suddenly get dragged into the court case. It can also anger your spouse and turn what used to be an amicable proceeding into a long and expensive ordeal as he or she intentionally causes problems, drags their feet or refuses to settle as a way of getting revenge. I’ve seen this more happen more than a few times amongst my friends, unfortunately; even a simple divorce that didn’t involve children or division of property suddenly turned into a massive quagmire when one spouse suddenly decided that they’d been wronged.

However, I have to make the obvious disclaimer: not only is Dr. NerdLove not a doctor, he is also most certainly not a lawyer (especially when it comes to international divorce law). It might not be a bad idea to make sure that you have a long talk with your lawyer to make sure that you wouldn’t be stepping on any potential land mines if and when you start dating during the mandatory year.

Now that we’ve gotten the potential (and unlikely) nightmare scenarios out of the way, let’s talk about how to handle dating while you’re waiting on your divorce to be finalized.

You don’t necessarily want to include “Bee tee dubs, still technically married” in your online dating profile or drop on somebody on your first date, but it should be something you bring up sooner rather than later. If you’re going to be seeing this person more than once or if you’re not just getting together for some hot sex before going your separate ways, then it’s information they’re definitely going to want, especially if there’s the potential of a serious or committed relationship in the future.

The way you roll it out is important, though. You don’t want to make it sound like it’s something shameful that you would hide otherwise; that’s just going to make your dates wonder what other secrets you’re hiding. Just present it like it’s no big deal: she’s moved out, you’ve gone through the proceedings and all that’s left is to wait out the mandatory X months remaining before it’s finalized. It’s important that you bring it up in the context of “getting divorced”, not “we’re separated”; separated implies that it’s a temporary situation and there’s still a chance that the two of you may get back together.  In addition, many guys have used “we’re separated” as a way of covering up that they’re cheating on their spouses; a common example is when it turned out that the wife was out of town for work rather than, y’know, moved out. Getting divorced means that papers have been filed and there is a firm deadline when the legal side of the relationship is over. It says that you’ve actively ended the relationship, rather than dragging your heels because reasons.

The other issue is when you’re discussing what happened to keep it simple: there was nothing salacious or dramatic, you just grew apart. That’s all your date really needs to know; dating isn’t a deposition and unless your ex is likely to be prominently involved in your life, the details are ultimately unimportant. Don’t bash your ex either; even if she’s most horrible person north, west, south and east of the Pecos, all that complaining about her will do is make you sound as though you’re not over her. It’s hard to go wrong by being classy about an otherwise ugly situation.

My only other advice is not to leap too deep into the dating pool. While everyone gets over a divorce at different speeds – some people are well and truly over it long before they even file the papers – you are going through a break-up and it can take some time before you’re actually ready to date rather than rebounding. By all means, go on dates, go hook-up. But I would advise you not to get into a serious relationship until you’ve had time to process everything following the divorce. You’ll know better than I would when that will be, so just pay attention to how you’re actually feeling rather than how you think you should feel.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need your opinion. The thing is I led quite a sheltered life for a long time. I knew theoretically that people my age were supposed to go on dates, build relationships and have sex. And that it was supposed to be fun. I also knew that there were some rules about first date being this romantic thing while after the third date people might get to the sex part. At the time it seemed logical as why would anyone want to have sex with complete stranger? So when I was asked out by an interesting guy from my college (he was the same age as me) to go to a museum on Sunday morning it never occurred to me that plans for the day might involve something else. During the date the guy annoyed me a lot (he was late, he couldn’t keep an interesting conversation and was very condescending to my opinions) and when I finally came up with a good reason to end the boring day (after the museum we walked aimlessly through the city for a while barely talking) he suddenly got very touchy-feely and invited me to his place.

That made me very uncomfortable as I did no longer find the guy attractive and, as I knew nothing about “it’s ok to want sex” then and was a virgin I was greatly insulted by insinuation that I would sleep with the guy I barely knew. So I made my escape (though politely). 

The next day I got a text from him with some verses along the lines that it’s spring and so high time to “give it” to him. I was infuriated and the next time I saw him I said that I disliked him and so we should stop seeing each other. As I felt violated I tried avoiding him ever since. I feel deep hostility towards him even now.

Saying all that, now I am somewhat less ignorant about sex and relationships and I’m starting to question my previous behaviour. I mean at the time it seemed that the guy thought I was easy, that he was “tolerating” me to get laid and so on. I felt accosted but then again after I told him in no uncertain tone that I disliked him he left me alone without troubles. And though I’m pretty sure I gave him plenty non-verbal hints that his advances were not welcomed during the date I can’t say that I made it clear. So now I am wondering whether I judged the guy unnecessary harshly. 

What I’m interested in is whether there is some dating etiquette or not. Whether I should have been insulted by being propositioned on the first date even if there were zero chemistry or was I just overreacting and should have explained that I am only open for slow approach from the start? And whether agreeing to go on a date equals agreeing to get grabbed at or not? I know it must all sound very childish but I’m really confused.

Lost Girl

DEAR LOST GIRL: Wanting to get laid in and of itself isn’t a bad thing. Hoping that you’re with someone who might be open to hooking up on a first date is, likewise, not inherently a bad thing. Neither is preferring to proceed at a pace you feel comfortable with.

Acting like a a

le, on the other hand, totally is, and that’s where your would-be suitor went wrong.

While there is dating etiquette (which mostly boils down to “don’t be a jerk”),  the big issue here is about respecting boundaries, being able to read social cues and respond to them appropriately… and your date failed at all of these.  He evidently didn’t pick up on (or decided to ignore) the fact that you weren’t into him at all and decided to go for broke at the end when you decided to cut things off early. It’s bad behavior and a sign of low social intelligence to proposition someone, even someone you’re on a date with, when there’s been absolutely no indication that she’s into you at all – no hand holding, no make-outs, nothing. The vast majority of people aren’t going to be cool by going from zero to “bang me” with nothing in between.

There are ways to go about making a move or gauging whether a person is or isn’t up for hooking up on a first date. This guy apparently did none of them. Homeboy should learn how to actually tell if a woman is interested in him before making a move, to not just suddenly start getting touchy-feely (I’m assuming you didn’t mean that he actually tried to grope you, which is a s

thead of a different color) out of nowhere, especially if there hasn’t been any indication that physical contact would be welcomed. He also needs to learn that less (going for a good night kiss, working outward from there if she responds with vigor) is decidedly a better goal than more (trying to get you to go home with him), especially if there’s any question about how you’re feeling. If I were more charitably inclined, I might be willing to say that he’s ignorant, not malicious; he’s has some serious growing up to do and shouldn’t really be dating until he figures it out.

However, it’s the passive aggressive “give it up to me already” text that pushes him from “ignorant” to “a

*e”.

Now that being said: I think being deeply hostile to him may be giving him too much importance. If he’s not actively in your life or social circle – and judging by the way you haven’t heard from him after you told him to go the hell away, I’m guessing he isn’t – then I’m of the opinion that you shouldn’t waste the mental bandwidth thinking about him at all. You have a limited number of f

*s to give and he deserves none of them.

You didn’t do anything wrong on your date. Going on a date isn’t a binding contract;  you’re not obligated to put up with a guy doing anything that you aren’t comfortable with and you’re well within your rights to tell him to f

*k right off if he acts like a jackass about it. You have your boundaries and it’s your right to set them where you see fit.

People wanting sex is all fine and dandy. It’s good to want things. But people also want to have their boundaries respected and it’s where these two desires intersect that you separate the assholes from the gentlemen. It’s entirely possible to make overtures while still being respectful, even if they’re not sure whether there’s chemistry or not. Someone who understands this is also going to recognize and respect that person’s answer, whether that’s a “yes”, a “no” or “I want to take things slowly” and not respond by pouting, pressuring or acting like they’re entitled to it.

It can take a little experience to find the good guys (as opposed to the Nice GuysTM) , but they’re well worth the effort.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)