DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m a female in college, and have been dating “D” for a year now; our first anniversary was actually on Sunday. He’s a pretty cool guy, and we obviously get along pretty well, but there is a definite problem in our sex life. I’m basically always horny, but three times out of four he says he’s too tired. I’m sure you can see how frustrating that is. I’m lucky to get it once a week. He watches porn and beats off almost every day, which I always took as indicative of a high sex drive, but now I’m not so sure. Is it wrong of me to want sex more often if he doesn’t feel like giving it? It sounds petty, but I didn’t even get it on our anniversary.
I’ve never orgasmed with him, because when we do have sex he freaks out at he idea of touching or even looking at my vagina. Any time we do have sex, it’s in the hopes of orgasming vaginally, which I know is kind of a stretch. I like giving him pleasure, but he doesn’t seem to want to reciprocate beyond playing with my boobs.
I really don’t know what to do. The thought of breaking up with him is scary because he’s been such a huge part of my life, but I can’t seem to get through to him how frustrated I am. Your advice would be so much appreciated.
DEAR UNFULFILLED: You’ve got a problem here Unfulfilled, but I don’t think it’s the one you think you have.
You seem to think that it’s a case of mismatched libidos… and while that may be true, I hate to say it but that isn’t your problem.
Right off the bat, masturbating every day doesn’t necessarily indicate the relative strength of one’s sex drive. People (men and women both) jerk off for many reasons, plenty of which don’t even have much to do with sex; they may be trying to relax to go to sleep, they may be trying to vent some frustration, they may even be trying to last longer when they do have sex. Some asexuals with penises will masturbate to keep the prostate clear and healthy, instead of out of actual desire. Hell, if you’re Grant Morrison, then masturbation is a way of casting magic spells.
Jerking it to porn? That’s a different story; dude’s horny and wanting to get off.
Now someone call Sir Mix-A-Lott because there’s a big “but” coming:
BUT. That doesn’t cover the other, bigger problem that’s going on here… and that’s the fact that he doesn’t want to get off with YOU.
He doesn’t really want to have sex with you you. He may be tossing you a lay every now and then to get you off his back or because he’s gotten tired of jerking it and wants the real thing for variety’s sake, but he’s indicating through his behavior that he’s more concerned about getting it over and done with as quickly as possible so he can go back to whatever else he’s wanting to do.
And let’s be clear: this doesn’t say anything about you or your desirability. This has nothing to do with his porn consumption. It does, however, have EVERYTHING to do with what’s going on between his ears.
If your boyfriend literally freaks out over (as opposed to just has some immature “eww gross” aversion to) touching or even looking at your junk, then he’s got some serious issues going on. He may be gynophobic. He may find vaginas aesthetically displeasing to such a degree that he can’t handle it. He may well be gay and either severely closeted or deeply in denial and playing with your vagina ruins the fantasy that he’s really in bed with Ryan Gosling instead. Regardless: he’s got more issues than National Geographic and needs to be talking to somebody about them.
Side note: he may be focusing exclusively on vaginal orgasms because he’s so overexposed to porn that he doesn’t actually get that porn sex isn’t real sex. Many, if not most folks with vulvas, f’rex, can’t orgasm vaginally without some form of clitoral stimulation. The old “look-ma-no-hands” penetration-only orgasm tends to be exceedingly uncommon… except in porn where it’s seen as de rigueur. Thanks to the shoddy excuse for what passes as sexual education in this country, he may well assume that what’s true in porn is true for real life sex too. But this is the paper-cut to the sucking chest-wound that is the rest of his problems.
Frankly, you’re going to be better off dumping his ass so hard that his grandparents divorce retroactively. Even if he does resolve whatever weird anatomical freakout he’s got going on, his overall behavior is telling you that he’s a) a selfish prick and b) not into you. That’s a pretty good reason to ditch the zero and go find a hero.
You’re young, you’re in college and you can (and will) do better than somebody who treats your body like something disgusting that he can only just barely manage to tolerate touching.
Yes, he seems like he’s been a big part of your life now, but you haven’t been dating him all that long in the grand scheme of things. A year isn’t that long, especially when you’re in college. You’ll have an easier time recovering from the break up if you end it now – the quick, clean break heals fastest – and you’ll have the best chance of being able to salvage a friendship out of this later on when you’ve both had some distance and perspective if he’s otherwise as cool of a guy as you think.
DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a big problem with the way I want my dating life to go.
You see I am a geek. I want to be a bestselling fantasy novel writer like George RR Martin. I love anime, rpgs, fantasy, scifi and anime conventions.
My dating life is empty. I have read many dating books from pick up artist like David Deangelo, Mystery Method and a bunch others online. When I was in college I did try many of the stuff they taught like the cocky funny lines. I got really good responses from girls. then I learned something about my self.
Although I am nerdy hispanic, I am only attracted to women who are Caucasian, European and Asian but not my own kind… does that sound wrong? I use to dislike my self for that but I learned to accept my self.
You see once I tried the pick up artist stuff I stopped because I realize that I was just feeding my ego and being cocky funny does not get you the girl.
I was faking my confidence. soon the girls that I was talking saw right through me. I get really nervous. I have stage fright. I am naturally quiet. I dislike the neighborhood I live in. I feel like I must hide my nerdiness many times or girls wont talk to me in public. The only place where I feel I can meet my kind of girls is at conventions and geeky events. still I feel as though because of my ethnicity the girls I am attracted to aren’t attracted to me.
The there is another problem. I have a big sex drive. I masturbate a lot. I have a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend. When I do finally go to a place where my kind of girls. it is usually a few times a year because nerdy events in my area don’t happen often plus there the money issue. I feel as though I wont be happy dating regular girls outside the geek community. There is not enough chemistry and either I get bored of them no matter how hot they are or they just want to use me.
I feel like I have to hide my nerdiness to get laid. DAMN its so frustrating. Feels like everything that makes me happy is far from me.
No Need For A Cool Acronym
DEAR NO NEED FOR A COOL ACRONYM: You just used a whole lot of words to tell me that you really don’t like yourself.
Seriously. You list a whole lot of things that aren’t actually problems that you seem to be ashamed of, give yourself artificial limitations and otherwise explain why you think you suck. Being quiet? Not actually a problem. Having a large sex drive? Not actually a problem. Masturbating a lot? Unless you’re actually rubbing yourself raw: not really a problem. Being a nerd? NOT A PROBLEM.
Here’s something you’re not going to want to hear: you’re not going to be happy with a nerd girl either because you’re not actually interested in a girl who is nerdy. Geeks aren’t restricted to only dating geeks; you want a partner who’s geek-accepting, who can accept that you love what you love even if he or she doesn’t necessarily get it. Sharing your interests is a bonus, not a prerequisite. The problem isn’t that nerds can only be happy with other nerds, the problem is that you’ve basically painted yourself into a corner with all of these things you dislike about yourself. You’ve been looking for external validation; this is what you were doing when you were using “cocky-funny” and “feeding your own ego”. You were trying to get other people to think you were “cool” and it wasn’t working, so now you’ve traded that in. You’re hoping to find yourself a Geek Girl who will justify the fact that you’re a nerd too. I also strongly suspect that part of why you’re looking for an Asian or Caucasian girlfriend is because you’ve internalized the idea that they’re “harder to get”, and thus are “cooler” than dating a Hispanic woman… and thereby invoking the transitive property of “coolness”, making you cool by association.
Needless to say, this is not a good way to find yourself a relationship – or even just to be happy. That’s the problem with external validation; you’re trying to temporarily pave over a hole with sex, with having a Girlfriend (as opposed to a girlfriend), with other people thinking you’re cool as opposed to you thinking you’re cool… but the hole never goes away. You need to fill the hole, not cover it up…. and that means learning to be happy with who you are.
If you want to get better with women, you need to get better with yourself first. I’ve written a lot about self-improvement; browse through the archives on my site, check out episodes of the podcast and start putting those ideas into practice. Spend some time working on finding your own value instead of trying to find things that will “give” you value. Finding that internal validation – learning to realize that you’re money and you know you’re money – will solve most of the problems you’re having.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, firstname.lastname@example.org)