DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I’m a female in college, and have been dating “D” for a year now; our first anniversary was actually on Sunday. He’s a pretty cool guy, and we obviously get along pretty well, but there is a definite problem in our sex life. I’m basically always horny, but three times out of four he says he’s too tired.  I’m sure you can see how frustrating that is. I’m lucky to get it once a week. He watches porn and beats off almost every day, which I always took as indicative of a high sex drive, but now I’m not so sure. Is it wrong of me to want sex more often if he doesn’t feel like giving it? It sounds petty, but I didn’t even get it on our anniversary. 

I’ve never orgasmed with him, because when we do have sex he freaks out at he idea of touching or even looking at my vagina. Any time we do have sex, it’s in the hopes of orgasming vaginally, which I know is kind of a stretch. I like giving him pleasure, but he doesn’t seem to want to reciprocate beyond playing with my boobs. 

I really don’t know what to do. The thought of breaking up with him is scary because he’s been such a huge part of my life, but I can’t seem to get through to him how frustrated I am. Your advice would be so much appreciated. 

-Unfulfilled

DEAR UNFULFILLED: You’ve got a problem here Unfulfilled, but I don’t think it’s the one you think you have.

You seem to think that it’s a case of mismatched libidos… and while that may be true, I hate to say it but that isn’t your problem.

Right off the bat, masturbating every day doesn’t necessarily indicate the relative strength of one’s sex drive. People (men and women both) jerk off for many reasons, plenty of which don’t even have much to do with sex; they may be trying to relax to go to sleep, they may be trying to vent some frustration, they may even be trying to last longer when they do have sex. Some asexuals with penises will masturbate to keep the prostate clear and healthy, instead of out of actual desire. Hell, if you’re Grant Morrison, then masturbation is a way of casting magic spells.

Jerking it to porn? That’s a different story; dude’s horny and wanting to get off.

Now someone call Sir Mix-A-Lott because there’s a big “but” coming:

BUT. That doesn’t cover the other, bigger problem that’s going on here… and that’s the fact that he doesn’t want to get off with YOU.

He doesn’t really want to have sex with you you. He may be tossing you a lay every now and then to get you off his back or because he’s gotten tired of jerking it and wants the real thing for variety’s sake, but he’s indicating through his behavior that he’s more concerned about getting it over and done with as quickly as possible so he can go back to whatever else he’s wanting to do.

And let’s be clear: this doesn’t say anything about you or your desirability. This has nothing to do with his porn consumption. It does, however, have EVERYTHING to do with what’s going on between his ears.

If your boyfriend literally freaks out over (as opposed to just has some immature “eww gross” aversion to) touching or even looking at your junk, then he’s got some serious issues going on. He may be gynophobic. He may find vaginas aesthetically displeasing to such a degree that he can’t handle it. He may well be gay and either severely closeted or deeply in denial and playing with your vagina ruins the fantasy that he’s really in bed with Ryan Gosling instead. Regardless: he’s got more issues than National Geographic and needs to be talking to somebody about them.

Side note: he may be focusing exclusively on vaginal orgasms because he’s so overexposed to porn that he doesn’t actually get that porn sex isn’t real sex. Many, if not most folks with vulvas, f’rex, can’t orgasm vaginally without some form of clitoral stimulation. The old “look-ma-no-hands” penetration-only orgasm tends to be exceedingly uncommon… except in porn where it’s seen as de rigueur. Thanks to the shoddy excuse for what passes as sexual education in this country, he may well assume that what’s true in porn is true for real life sex too. But this is the paper-cut to the sucking chest-wound that is the rest of his problems.

Frankly, you’re going to be better off dumping his ass so hard that his grandparents divorce retroactively. Even if he does resolve whatever weird anatomical freakout he’s got going on, his overall behavior is telling you that he’s a) a selfish prick and b) not into you. That’s a pretty good reason to ditch the zero and go find a hero.

You’re young, you’re in college and you can (and will) do better than somebody who treats your body like something disgusting that he can only just barely manage to tolerate touching.

Yes, he seems like he’s been a big part of your life now, but you haven’t been dating him all that long in the grand scheme of things. A year isn’t that long, especially when you’re in college. You’ll have an easier time recovering from the break up if you end it now – the quick, clean break heals fastest – and you’ll have the best chance of being able to salvage a friendship out of this later on when you’ve both had some distance and perspective if he’s otherwise as cool of a guy as you think.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I have a big problem with the way I want my dating life to go.

You see I am a geek. I want to be a bestselling fantasy novel writer like George RR Martin. I love anime, rpgs, fantasy, scifi and anime conventions.

My dating life is empty. I have read many dating books from pick up artist like David Deangelo, Mystery Method and a bunch others online. When I was in college I did try many of the stuff they taught like the cocky funny lines. I got really good responses from girls. then I learned something about my self.

Although I am nerdy hispanic, I am only attracted to women who are Caucasian, European and Asian but not my own kind… does that sound wrong? I use to dislike my self for that but I learned to accept my self. 

You see once I tried the pick up artist stuff I stopped because I realize that I was just feeding my ego and being cocky funny does not get you the girl.

I was faking my confidence. soon the girls that I was talking saw right through me. I get really nervous. I have stage fright. I am naturally quiet.  I dislike the neighborhood I live in. I feel like I must hide my nerdiness many times or girls wont talk to me in public. The only place where I feel I can meet my kind of girls is at conventions and geeky events. still I feel as though because of my ethnicity the girls I am attracted to aren’t attracted to me. 

The there is another problem. I have a big sex drive. I masturbate a lot. I have a lot of trouble finding a girlfriend. When I do finally go to a place where my kind of girls. it is usually a few times a year because nerdy events in my area don’t happen often plus there the money issue. I feel as though I wont be happy dating regular girls outside the geek community. There is not enough chemistry and either I get bored of them no matter how hot they are or they just want to use me. 

I feel like I have to hide my nerdiness to get laid. DAMN its so frustrating. Feels like everything that makes me happy is far from me.

Help,

No Need For A Cool Acronym

DEAR NO NEED FOR A COOL ACRONYM: You just used a whole lot of words to tell me that you really don’t like yourself.

Seriously. You list a whole lot of things that aren’t actually problems that you seem to be ashamed of, give yourself artificial limitations and otherwise explain why you think you suck. Being quiet? Not actually a problem. Having a large sex drive? Not actually a problem. Masturbating a lot? Unless you’re actually rubbing yourself raw: not really a problem. Being a nerd? NOT A PROBLEM.

Here’s something you’re not going to want to hear: you’re not going to be happy with a nerd girl either because you’re not actually interested in a girl who is nerdy. Geeks aren’t restricted to only dating geeks; you want a partner who’s geek-accepting, who can accept that you love what you love even if he or she doesn’t necessarily get it. Sharing your interests is a bonus, not a prerequisite. The problem isn’t that nerds can only be happy with other nerds, the problem is that you’ve basically painted yourself into a corner with all of these things you dislike about yourself. You’ve been looking for external validation; this is what you were doing when you were using “cocky-funny” and “feeding your own ego”. You were trying to get other people to think you were “cool” and it wasn’t working, so now you’ve traded that in. You’re hoping to find yourself a Geek Girl who will justify the fact that you’re a nerd too. I also strongly suspect that part of why you’re looking for an Asian or Caucasian girlfriend is because you’ve internalized the idea that they’re “harder to get”, and thus are “cooler” than dating a Hispanic woman… and thereby invoking the transitive property of “coolness”, making you cool by association.

Needless to say, this is not a good way to find yourself a relationship – or even just to be happy. That’s the problem with external validation; you’re trying to temporarily pave over a hole with sex, with having a Girlfriend (as opposed to a girlfriend), with other people thinking you’re cool as opposed to you thinking you’re cool… but the hole never goes away. You need to fill the hole, not cover it up…. and that means learning to be happy with who you are.

If you want to get better with women, you need to get better with yourself first. I’ve written a lot about self-improvement; browse through the archives on my site, check out episodes of the podcast and start putting those ideas into practice. Spend some time working on finding your own value instead of trying to find things that will “give” you value. Finding that internal validation – learning to realize that you’re money and you know you’re money – will solve most of the problems you’re having.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I need advice on whether my girlfriend is cheating on me.

We are in a long distance relationship; she is about 2 hours away and we see each other every other weekend. We’re going on 3 months now. The reason I think she maybe cheating on me is because for awhile she didn’t think it was important to communicate with me throughout the day. She’s gotten better about it after we had a fight, but she’s still acting shady. When she is around me she never wants to drink because she gets crazy, but when she’s not around me she will get drunk with her best friend. When she does go out, she doesn’t tell me and I don’t hear from her at all. The only way I know is when she brags about it the next morning. I’ve asked her why she doesn’t talk to me when she’s out and what she says is that its rude to text in front of other people, but she text in front of me all the time.

She is always talking about her past and it finally got to a point were I told her that I don’t wanna hear it and that it makes me think she is missing something. Whenever I try to talk about my problems with her, she gets defensive and takes everything to the extreme. For instance when I was talking to her about the drinking thing she said “Fine, I won’t drink and hangout with my friends anymore”. I love her and she says she loves me but I don’t know anymore. I just don’t wanna waste time with the wrong person. Everybody I talk to tells me she is, but I don’t know what to believe. Please help!

Totally Really Lost

DEAR TOTALLY REALLY LOST: None of these are signs that she’s cheating on you, TRL. What they are is a whole mess of signs that it’s time for the two of you to break up already, because hot damn you two aren’t working out.

Let’s take this apart a little, shall we? To start with, you’re both doing the long-distance relationship thing wrong. When you’re in a long distance relationship, communication is key. It’s difficult to maintain a romantic connection over a distance; even Skype or FaceTime calls aren’t going to be the same as when you’re in person. But one of the first things you have to do is establish your communication needs; some people prefer to talk once a day, others like an end-of-the-week download with sporadic texting or IMing. Expecting constant contact throughout the day, on the other hand, is going to be pushing things, even for the most “shmoopy” of couples.

Just on a practical level, there are going to be long stretches during the day when it’s just not possible to be texting, IMing or chatting over Facebook.  Sometimes you’re just going to not get a prolonged conversation, or even an immediate response. If you’re going to freak out about periods of radio silence over the course of the day, then you’re not ready for a serious relationship. If you can’t handle being out of contact with her, then the issue is no longer about how much you care about one another, it’s about your needing constant reassurance and validation from her.  A relationship isn’t a deposition, especially one as brief as yours is. You’re not her parole officer and she’s not required to check in with you before she goes out with her friends, nor is she obligated to constantly be providing you with updates when she’s out having fun.

Now to be fair: talking with her about your needs and working to find a compromise that works for the both of you is a step in the right direction. It’s just too damn bad that everything takes about five dozen backwards after that. I’m going to be honest: neither of you are covering yourselves in glory here. You’re being clingy while she’s coming off as incredibly rude and inconsiderate.

When it comes to understanding people, there’s looking at what they say and looking at what they do. And right now, what your snugglebunny is saying and doing? Two very different things.

Let’s take the drinking issue. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that you’re welded together at the hip, nor does it mean that you aren’t allowed to go out and party down with your BFF when your significant other is around. But it’s another thing entirely when it’s a Jekyll and Hyde situation; claiming not to like drinking because it makes her get wild, but going out and closing down the clubs when you’re not around is a sign that she’s not being straight with you… especially when she’s bragging (your words) about all the crazy times she had. You know. Those crazy times she told you she doesn’t like having.

Similarly, there’s her telling you that she thinks texting in front of other people is rude and then texting other people in front of you. Even allowing for the fact that this is the excuse she’s giving you for not taking time away from being with her friends to text with you (which is pretty impolite), the fact that she’s doing something that she believes to be rude to you tells you a little about how much she respects you. The way the two of  you argue isn’t any better; the passive-aggressive “well fine, I guess I just won’t hang out with my friends any more!” response is  just a way of shutting you down without actually addressing the issues at hand. 

This isn’t a healthy relationship for either of you. The best thing for both of you is to break up now. Even at the most generous viewing, she’s selfish and rude and you need to do some maturing so that you can get to the point where you don’t need to be in constant contact. Let her go find someone else and spend your time working on yourself so you can find someone who is right for you… and you can be right for her.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I got dumped unexpectedly last night by a woman I’d been seeing for about two months. I liked her quite a bit; I made it clear to her that I liked her, and that I wanted her, and that I was fine with moving at whatever pace was comfortable for her. I wasn’t exactly planning the proposal, but I was definitely at a point where I was thinking there might be some potential for something serious. 

When she broke up with me last night she said that she thinks I’m very sweet, and she has a blast when she’s with me, but the romantic spark never appeared for her. I was a little surprised by this–less than a week ago we enjoyed a pretty heavy makeout session that ended only when we agreed with some difficulty that it might be a good idea to slow down. I had originally worried I wasn’t building physical chemistry with her, but once we got to the point that most dates were ending with an hour or so of kissing and cuddling I figured I was in good shape.

So, what I’m wondering is: was there something I should have done differently, or done more of? Is this just a case of two people with a fundamental incompatibility? In short, did I screw this up, or is this just a case of something better discovered sooner than later?

Feeling Confused

DEAR FEELING CONFUSED: You didn’t do anything wrong, FC. The long and short of it is that you weren’t compatible and that was never going to change.

You wanted something that she just wasn’t going to be able to give; you wanted a relationship and she just wasn’t feeling that with you. You may have had the physical chemistry –  she was digging the sloppy make-outs –  but the emotions just weren’t there and there wasn’t any sign of that changing. Don’t get me wrong: she definitely liked you. After all, she was going out of her way to give it time to see if things would develop, but (and I hate to devolve to cliche) she just didn’t like you that way. Sexual attraction is great and an important part of relationships, but it’s not enough for a long-term relationship on it’s own.

There comes a point in a relationship when you have to check and see if you’re on the same page… and frankly, you weren’t. You wanted something serious with her and she just wasn’t feeling the same way about you. And so she ended it. And it sucks, I know. God knows I’ve been there. But in the long run… she was doing you a favor.

I realize that it doesn’t feel this way right now. It’s still fresh and raw and you have no real distance or perspective on the matter. It’s actually a testament to her feelings for you that she was willing to break up with you when she did. But by cutting things off early on, she was saving you both from greater pain down the line. Sticking things out would have ultimately meant that she was leading you on and that wouldn’t be fair to either of you; all that she would be doing is postponing the inevitable and ultimately making the pain worse when you eventually realized that the entire time you thought you were building to something serious, she was only sticking around because she was afraid to hurt you. That is the sort of pain that ruins people for a long, long time.

So she was cruel to be kind, breaking things off even though she liked you, liked making out with you and had fun with you. She risked the pain now to save you from worse later on. And that means a lot. She was being a better friend to you than you realized. Take comfort in that and realize that you’ll be in a better position to find someone who is on the same page as you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am 22 years old and I have been married for a year. My husband and I used to have sex all the time. Crazy good sex. All of the sudden, it started to go downhill.

He always said he liked oral better and he “HAD to be in the mood for sex to have it”. Even if I beg for it, even if I sit on top of him, nothing will work. He just “has to be in the mood”. I am so sexually frustrated and hurt. He said it has nothing to do with me and that he still of course finds me attractive so it’s not that he lost interest or anything. I’m just so confused as to why it all of the sudden stopped and why I can’t get him to have sex with me at all? I’m frustrated, hurt, and ashamed to talk about it with friends. I have talked to him about it many times and in the beginning he always just said “I have to be in the mood”. Now he just gets annoyed because I ask all of the time, “why can’t we ever have sex?!”. Tonight is my birthday and I still could not get any. Please please give me some advice. I feel as if I have tried everything and that this is too early in the relationship to have this problem. I also feel that he is too young to have any health issues! Please please help me out here.

Frantic, Frustrated and Female

DEAR FRANTIC, FRUSTRATED AND FEMALE: This is one of those times when it’s frustrating that I’m not an actual doctor, because there are so many potential reasons for this that it’s pretty much impossible to give you an answer. The human sex drive is complex and any number of things can cause it to fall fall apart. Just because he’s young doesn’t mean that it’s impossible for him to have something physically or mentally affecting his libido.

It could be physical. It could be emotional. It could be a combination of the two. He could have prostate problems. He could suspect (or know) he has an STI and doesn’t know how to tell you. He could have realized he’s gay and doesn’t feel that he can come out of the closet. He could have or could be cheating on you. He could be asexual and just doesn’t want to have sex with ANYONE. Or he could have suddenly decided that at 22 (oh God you two married young) he’s suddenly done with sex. Or it could be something else entirely. Like I said: Dr. NerdLove is not a doctor.

The first clue that could tell us what might be wrong is just how quickly the cut-off happened; did his interest in sex taper off, or was it like turning off a light-switch? The second thing that would be relevant is how long this has been going on: a month, six months, a year? A reduced interest in sex for a week or two is unusual but not a crisis and is usually circumstantial. A lack of interest for a couple months or longer is indicative of something serious going on.

The next thing would be potential external factors. Has he had some major event in his life like losing a job or loved one? Is he experiencing unusual levels of stress – struggling to keep from being evicted levels of stress, not “Oh hell, I forgot I had a deadline at work coming up and have to pull an all-nighter” level. Has he started taking any new medications, especially any anti-depressants or mood stabilizers?

In the end though, the problem is less about the fact that his interest in sex has cratered, it’s in the fact that he doesn’t seem to give a damn just how much it’s upsetting you. It’d be one thing if he were single – it’s up to him whether losing his sex drive is important enough to try to fix it – but when you’re in a relationship, you aren’t just dealing with your crap in a vacuum; what affects you affects your partner too. And when you’re not interested in fixing something that’s actively hurting your partner… well, that’s when you have to start asking some pointed questions about the future of the relationship.

So here’s my recommendation: start with using your words. Instead of demanding “why can’t we ever have sex”, explain to him how you’re feeling – that his sudden lack of interest is hurting you and making you feel that something is wrong with your relationship. You’re bothered by the fact that he’s suddenly no longer interested in you – even when he says he’s still attracted to you – and that he doesn’t seem to be bothered by both the change in his sex drive or the fact that it’s upsetting you.

If he’s willing to at least talk out your concerns, then I would suggest that he talk to a doctor to make sure there isn’t a medical cause to this problem. If there isn’t a medical cause, then there might be a psychological one. He might want to talk to a therapist, or you might want to talk to a couple’s councilor if there are specific relationship issues that are bothering him.

If he’s not willing to talk it out… well, at that point he’s starting to give you a sign of just where he’s prioritizing your concerns and emotional well-being in the relationship and it’s time to seriously consider ending things. Not only is sexual compatibility important but so too is basic concern for your partner’s emotional health and well-being. If he’s just not concerned with the way he’s hurting you, then the relationship is already in it’s death throes and it’s better to just break things off now before they get worse. I’m sorry to put it in such blunt terms, but if he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, then you’re better off without him.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m hoping you can help set my mind at ease. About 2 1/2 years ago I married a nerd. Your typical shy, anti-social, Star Trek watching, Star Wars toy collecting, can’t watch a movie unless it has a spaceship in it, plays video games for 10 hours straight nerd. I am not a nerd at all, really. I have my quirks, but I’m not really interested in anything he is. I try to support him in his interests, watching his movies (but not pretending I like them because I’m a horrible actress), helping him sell his Star Wars collection and having no problem with him coming home at 2 AM twice a week because he’s playing WOW with his friends. For reference, he’s 43 and I’m 39. We’re raising three kids together.

I worry, though, a lot. That he’ll meet another nerd, someone who he will think is the coolest, sexiest thing ever, someone who enjoys and affirms everything that he loves and who actually understands his nerd references. There’s one particular girl he follows on Twitter that I’m concerned about who is a pretty, male version of him. He has been nothing but faithful and I have voiced my concerns to him. He has reassured me that it doesn’t matter if we don’t have these things in common.

What do you think? Can nerds and non-nerds really last in love?

Mundane Undergoing Distress

DEAR MUNDANE UNDERGOING DISTRESS: First, a technical note, because I know someone will jump on this if I don’t: if he’s going elsewhere to game with his friends, he’s probably playing Dungeons and Dragons or another table-top RPG, rather than WOW, which is an online computer game.

So that out of the way: the critical part of a relationship isn’t having everything in common, it’s about being compatible over all. Having wildly different interests and taking time to enjoy them separately can be good for a relationship; after all, trying to force one’s significant other into taking part in something he or she hates is just a recipe for resentment and anger. As long as he’s not gaming or nerding out at the expense of your relationship – you’re not feeling neglected, he’s not neglecting his share of the household/child-rearing responsibilities or putting gaming before actual relationship or parenting time – then hey, everything’s cool. You’ve got stuff you like doing, he’s got stuff he likes doing and as long you can both respect the other’s interests, even if you don’t share it, then all is well.

And from the sounds of it, that’s exactly what you’re doing; you’re giving him space for his stuff that you don’t share and letting him know that even though you don’t get it, you get that he does. Hopefully this is a two-way street and he’s equally as supportive of the things you like, even if he just doesn’t get them. One person doesn’t get a “get out of respecting her stuff free” card just because they’re a nerd after all.

Now, with all that being said, I’m going to be honest here: you sound like you’re feeling a little insecure about more than just that he’s a nerd and you’re not. I mean, following someone on Twitter isn’t a sign of impending infidelity, even if she’s his opposite-sex clone; this goes doubly so if she’s not somebody in his every day life. Yes, online crushes can happen, but honestly, sometimes the clues we think we’re seeing are the voices in our jerkbrain saying “this is too good to be true, something must be wrong,” even when it isn’t. Is it possible that somewhere deep in his soul, he’s craving a Felicia Day-type who’s into all the same things he is and gets all the same references and thinks that a few rounds of Titanfall multiplayer makes the best foreplay? Yes, it’s theoretically possible. It’s also theoretically possible he’s a deep-cover KGB agent who’s been left out in the cold after the fall of the Soviet Union. If you’re not careful, you can what-if and maybe yourself into any number of dire scenarios.

But let’s weigh your nagging doubts versus what he’s saying and what he’s doing.

He’s invested two and a half years into your marriage, plus however long the two of you were dating beforehand. He’s raising three children with you. He’s never said a word about feeling resentful or that he’s missing out – in fact he’s been reassuring you that no, he’s actually really happy with you and he’s totally cool with the fact that you’re into his nerd passions. He’s never given you any reason to doubt his fidelity, and presumably he’s been a full and equal partner in the relationship.

Honestly, unless there’s something you left out, it sounds to me like everything is exactly as he says: he’s happy with his relationship with you. He’s got the love and companionship and the shared lives with you and he’s got his buddies for when he wants to geek out. Sometimes you have to just take “yes” for an answer, and in this case, it sounds like yes, he’s incredibly happy with you.

Can nerds and non-nerds be happy together? Hell yes. There’s more to a relationship than just shared hobbies. There’s having similar values, sexual compatibility, emotional and intellectual engagement, goals and lifestyles that synch up together, a willingness to work together towards mutual satisfaction and understanding and whether or not you to make each other happy. All of this is far more indicative of whether a relationship will last than just whether one partner likes to spend their time painting Warhamster miniatures and the other likes to take long walks through the city and shoot artsy photos of graffiti.

If looking around and recognizing that he’s given you no reason to believe that anything’s wrong, then it may be worth taking the time to unpack some of your anxieties with a counselor or a therapist. I think you’ve got something good here. Don’t let your jerkbrain convince you that something’s wrong, even when everything’s ok.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com)